It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post! Today I want to talk about something that can cause many women an incredible amount of loneliness.
Fibromyalgia. MS. Migraines. Chronic fatigue. Chronic pain. Back problems. Even pregnancy. All these things can cause us to feel horribly, and definitely lower our libidos!
So what do we do if we’re honestly feeling horribly, and yet our husbands still want to make love? He wants to get pleasure from something that seems to be causing you pain. That just seems wrong, and slightly disgusting. You want to be honoured and loved; and he wants to feel loved in a sexual way. But how can sex be good if it results in you feeling pain?
Unfortunately, you’re essentially at loggerheads: he wants something that you feel that you can’t give him, and so you don’t feel loved; and you don’t want to give him what he feels he needs, and so he doesn’t feel loved. Both of you have legitimate problems, and neither is going to win by getting into an argument as to whose needs are paramount. Both of you require the other to give something that seems too large to give.
What needs to happen is not that someone gives in and just gets rid of their needs; what needs to happen in order for true oneness to occur is that a big mindset change happens.
First, let me give a little background on women’s sex drives. We are largely in our heads. In order for us to become aroused, our heads have to be engaged. Men aren’t like that. Men are very body-focused, so for them to be ready to go, they don’t have to think much at all. But because we are mostly in our heads, we’re also extremely distractible. If a stray thought comes into our heads, we can lose any amount of arousal we feel. Thus, the “not tonight, honey, because I have a headache” is very real for most women. When we are feeling pain, it’s supremely hard to get in the mood because something else is intruding.
Nevertheless, that’s often the best treatment. Researchers have found that one of the best cures for migraines is sex. The sudden release and euphoria often stops the pain, and frequent sex seems to prevent them. So even though it’s counterintuitive, sex often helps with headaches.
The same is true with other kinds of muscle pain. Sex allows muscles to relax, and is a tremendous physical boost. And it helps you sleep better!
I know it’s hard to see it like that when you’re in pain, but pray that God will show you that sex can be something that helps with pain and exhaustion, not something that can contribute to it. When sex becomes all about something you do for him, it’s a chore, and it’s only going to contribute to your pain and your exhaustion. When sex, on the other hand, becomes something you can share which can help you relax and help you feel less pain, then you’ve got a stake in it, too.
The key is to get to the point where you can actually physically enjoy sex when your body itself is in great discomfort and very tense. Instead of looking on it as a chore, though, why not look on it as a challenge as a couple? It may be that you need to spend a lot of time relaxing first, in a hot bath together, or with a massage. You may need to work at finding a position that feels the most comfortable for you. You may even need to work at achieving orgasm for you some other way than intercourse (even if he achieves orgasm through intercourse), since it’s orgasm that’s most likely to help you relax.
Explain to your hubby that you want to see if you can start connecting physically and sexually so that you feel better together, but also so that your body finds new ways to relax and get some sleep. That means that sex has to be something, for you, that is gentle, drawn out, and low-pressure. But it also means that, for him, it is something that should be rather frequent. It means that he’s going to have to learn a lot of foreplay, and learn to do a lot of massage. But the good part is that you get to connect a lot more and feel a lot more intimate.
Maybe with this being a new year you can try to turn over a new leaf and pray that God will help you see sex differently, as a potential to make you feel more physically safe and comfortable, and more intimate with your husband.
And perhaps, instead of sex being something you fight over, sex can become something which helps both of you feel better!
Have you ever struggled with pain? How did you resolve it as a couple? Let’s talk!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>This is a great post and so encouraging. I would like to say more but do not feel comfortable in this forum however; I appreciate your post and am truly considering buying a few of your books. I need to be re-educated on this subject as a whole.
A great idea if it really worked. However my husband does not care how I feel. He wants what he wants when he wants it, His mother is sickly and does not meet his father’s needs. He does not want to deal with the same thing happening to him; he feels that it is my duty to perform for him, cook for him, clean for him, no matter how much pain I am in, or I am not a good wife. I fear he will look for another woman to meet his needs if I do not.
At this point, I have so much pain and fatigue, that I am starting to not care if he leaves me. The only thing that keeps me pushing forward and “faking it” is the need for financial security.
Wow, this sounds almost like my own situation. God help us, sister…
>You had a fantastic ringing line in this post. You were talking about how "he wants something that you feel that you can't give him, and so you don't feel loved; and you don't want to give him what he feels he needs, and so he doesn't feel loved," then here was the line: "Both of you require the other to give something that seems too large to give."
I don't think I've ever thought about it in these terms before. But certainly I can see how being in pain, or being tired and worn out, can really leave someone feeling like they "just can't" tonight, even though their heart may really want to (of course the sad part is when this happens so often that the heart stops "wanting to" after a while, but that's another topic).
And as a man, knowing how important sex is to me (something I never comprehended as an unmarried dude) I certainly see how sacrificing making love feels like it equals sacrificing love itself (the two are that connected) And because I am so enamoured with love for my wife, I am not going to sit idly by and let the love go out from my marriage. Not on my watch, Jack! Not if I have anything to say about it. It's too important, too big of a thing, too large to give. Pain or not, it's not worth sacrificing the love itself for.
>You make a strong point about the diametrically different ways that men and women view sex. Brent's comment backs you up, as does my own experience. Most men equate making love with love. As a female, I can not understand that in any way. I have read a lot about the male point of view and of course, observed my own husband but I don't believe I will ever understand it.
The question that arises in my mind is: why would God make the sexes this different? I mean, we are at such opposite ends of the spectrum, that it actually makes love and connection very, very difficult. I wonder why God would not have created in us more similar reactions to sex (or at least stronger empathy for the other view) that would in turn make it easier to truly love and bond with one another.
Anonymous Two
An awesomely good question! Seems to me the question has been around forever and so few have asked it. It is implied in comments like Henry Higgens’ in “My Fair Lady” — ‘why can’t a woman be more like a man?” And the corollary question that feminism seems often to ask “why can’t boys learn to be more like girls’? Some can, and that makes those ideologues believe that all can. As you rightly point out though, the sexes are really really different and the closer you get to the outer edges of the continuum the more different they get. Poles apart might be a good way to say it. The more testosterone a man has, the more in every way he is different from a normal feminine woman and, perversely and often to our immense pain, the more attractive he is! It just seems like a set up doesn’t it? It seems like a situation doomed from the outset. And it often is! That needs to be said, I think, straight off. So the important question is, why would God set us up? Why would ‘he’ (and i use the male gender pronoun because I’m not comfortable with a female one and — interestingly — we don’t have an androgynous one) set us up? Indeed, put into the very crux of life, the very center of existence — the thing that generates new life — the attraction of — opposites! I, of course, don’t know the answer, but knowing, or coming to know, the gospel, I can speculate.
Perhaps this life, on this earth, in time and space, is about learning to love and love the way God loves, uncondtionally. Loving those like us who we automatically, effortlessly, understand would not accomplish that end. Why? Because of the adverb ‘uncondtionally’. Without limits. Without conditions. Without end. Love in a way that is divine love — but do it here, where we are caught in a life that is all about limits and conditions and time and space. Make heaven on earth — “your will be done on earth as it is in heaven’. That kind of love. And we simply can’t or won’t ‘do’ that when we are not challenged with what we don’t understand, can’t relate to, which feels dramatically ‘unlike’ us. We judge that– we criticise that — we even condemn that which is profoundly different from us. Jesus called us not just to love our neighbour, but to love our enemy as well. Wow — that is *hard*. What if men and women are both natural neighbours, that is, the one living close to you, and also in a way,natural enemies? Thus we are forced to love someone we simply will never fully understand. It is hard because it isn’t just a one time act of forgiveness say, or a laying down of arms against some foe, politically or whatever. What if the ‘enemy’ is more than at the gates? What if you sleep with him? What if so much about him is ‘foreign’ to you? What if you must live with him every day of your life? I don’t mean an enemy in the sense of someone who wants to hurt you — but then, we actually have very few of those if we take ‘want’ to mean someone who intentionally, fully consciously, wants, desires to hurt you personally. Most of our enemies are people who think, act, feel differently than us on — well — the things we think are the most important things in the world. They differ on their priorities. Many Republicans would see Democrats as ‘the enemy’. As an outsider, what is obvious is that they need each other. That one is incomplete without the other. In fact, one defines the other. They feel like ‘natural’ enemies. Men and women come from such different places and Life/God demands that they find ‘common ground’ for the task of giving life, providing for life, maintaining life. To do that you need to get to know the enemy real well — hate his values and priorities and then, reluctantly, over time, get to realise, you need him to be that way. You couldn’t do what you want to do without his ‘difference’. You are incomplete by yourself. That is not an idea that is popular in our current society which admires autonomy, independence and self-sufficiency. But God has a different agenda. There is actually no such thing as independence. We’re dependent on air — on water — well you know the list — and if we want life to continue past ourselves, on men. Women do want life to continue. It is written into their mandate as women. And God made us dependent on each other for that purpose so we could learn the humility of knowing we can’t do it by ourselves (neither of us) and that to do it, the project of life — we need someone who in most important respects is so very different from us — and moreover — we must not just lust after him or want him, or even need him, but love him. Make a permanent home with him. Have compassion for his differences. Admire that which is not ourselves. See the very things which we don’t have as important. Necessary. The androgyny project that is rampant in our feminist culture has deprived us of seeing and valuing difference, and the children, who know that two opposites came together to create them, suffer the most. Won’t go there now — but I think the answer to the question is that in first Genesis, or in other words, in the beginning, as foundational to life, God ‘made them male and female, in his image made he them’. And only together, a woman and a man, are we completely in God’s image. We become more human and ironically, thus, more like God, together, not just because we each have qualities that the other lacks (and needs) and therefore are more complete or whole, but because by loving someone so fundamentally different from ourselves, someone who in a way, is our enemy or opposite, we become more like God, able to love uncondtionally, without limits — eternally. We are transformed (and this transformation process takes time and is often, like all transformations, really painful) by accepting, celebrating and valuing qualities we don’t (and can’t) share, we are transformed into beings in the image of God. Most women need men to fulfill that Genesis-genetic promise of becoming like God, both as a being who creates life and a being who loves all life uncondtionally.
>I have had pain during sex for the last 6 years of my marriage and it was only in the last 6 months I found out through a sex therapist that is was a condition called Vaginismus. This physical pain has lead to emotional pain as well. A love for my husband but never for sex. A feeling of being raped by my own husband because of the intense pain but wanting sex so bad. Through the vaginismus.com website I have started a program that is working and I finally after 6 years have hope that the end is in sight. But, along the road of hurt there have been many times I have felt hopeless and given up on making love. When I complete the program. I am praying that after 6 years without sex it will be amazing and pain free and then the emotional healing will begin.
>Great thoughts. A lot of the time we end up saying that we were glad that we came together even though we weren't particularly amorous to begin with. Anything for us preggos though? I know my husband misses me and I feel badly about that but I literally throw up every time he touches me during this part of pregnancy. Fortunately, things will flip over during the second half of the pregnancy so we are both looking forward to that!
>Last year I was having a problem where I would get a bunch of little external tears during intercourse. Nothing wild, just very gentle intercourse with lubrication. I think it might have been a hormonal issue. This was making things very difficult at our house. Either way, I discovered after extensive online searching, that emu oil makes skin heal faster and thickens it to prevent more damage. I moisturized with it multiple times a day and I think within a couple weeks I was having serious improvement. Now things are wonderful. I still moisturize with pure emu oil after taking a bath just as a preventative. This made such a difference in my quality of life I wanted to share on the off chance it could help someone.
>anonymous 3, I just wanted to encourage you. My SIL went into her marriage with vaginisimus, and they assumed they would never be able to have intercourse (or children). After some therapy (I don't know all the details) they were able to consummate their marriage and have 4 children to show for it. All this to say, you can find a cure/relief from this condition.
>I can really relate to this post. I have a chronic pain disease which means that sometimes when my husband wants sex its become really hard for me to please him because I can't move my legs at all.
He has been amazing through this and has NEVER pressured me to do anything that I can't do but the hard part for me has been ME.
I constantly feel bad after attempting to please him and finding out that I can't do so. I feel bad and sometimes I get really mad at my body and at this disease.
I've found what has helped the most is just being honest with him and talking with him about what is going on.
Other than that I just try not to beat myself up too much about this and take the rest of my feelings and journal them or spend some time in prayer.
>This was a great post! I am very new to the world of chronic pain. Not mine, but my husband's. He has a ruptured disc that has been giving him tremendous amounts of pain and sometimes he can't even walk.
It is so incredibly hard to just watch him go through this, and yes, it effects our sex life at times; although he is determined to not let it.
Really, it has effected everything. I'm still kind of processing the whole thing. So, this was thought provoking and comforting to know we are not alone.
Oh Lord, I cry out to you on behalf of all the people who read this who are in pain. Please bring your healing hand upon each one. Amen.
>Thank you for tackling this important topic. As a wife living with chronic illness I was thrilled to see you address this and wrote my Wifey Wednesday post here: http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2011/02/hurts/
>beautifully said…it's a wonderful thought that, yes, we CAN take our time with things and that will benefit both husband and wife. i love the encouragement that you give in that it's not purely about "giving the other person what they need", but also about getting needs of ours met through the giving of ourselves to our spouse. Isn't God wonderful the way He created us; when we give of ourselves when we least feel like it, it still benefits us in the long run 🙂 He is always looking out for us 🙂
>I've also experienced the emotional pain of being a wife with chronic pain. Intercourse used to be very painful for me. I know from experience that it's difficult to experience pleasure and oneness when you're sorting laundry in your mind to distract you from the pain. My healing journey lasted longer than would fit easily in a blog comment. I wrote my story here:
http://www.sensuouswife.com/blog/?p=61
I wanted to comment and say THANK YOU and ATTAGIRL for posting on such a sensitive and important topic.
You have inspired me to be creative and think of some ways that couples who struggle with chronic pain can connect and orgasm together. Loving each other in that special sweet way is so important.
>Girl, you inspired me!
My new post is here:
Giving Each Other Connection and Relief When She Has Chronic Pain
http://www.sensuouswife.com/blog/?p=565
>Thanks for all of your comments! Sorry I didn't respond right away, but I was away from my computer on vacation last week and I'm just getting back now. I know this is such a sensitive topic, and I wish we could talk about it a bit more! Then maybe people wouldn't feel so alone. I'm glad you all liked it!
Sheila.
>To anonymous who posted about having Vaginismus. It's been a few weeks since this was written, so I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I went into marriage with this problem too.
It was so bad that having intercourse was physically impossible for us for the first several months of our marriage. God, in His mercy brought us to a book by a Christian author who gave the issue a few paragraphs in his book. I remember thinking, "That's it! That's our problem!" and crying tears of joy that it had a name. We too found Vaginismus.com and thus answers.
My husband and I went through the program, and now have 2 precious little boys to show for it. I won't say that all the problems in our sexual relationship are solved, but we have a good start, considering 3 1/2 years ago, we couldn't have intercourse at all.
Keep working on it. There certainly is light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂
This is not the complete answer but it may help some couples who are having intimacy problems due to pain.
My wife also has pain during intercourse and since we are both approaching our seventies, having penetrative sex isn’t quite so important as we won’t be having any more kids.
However we do both have an active sex life due to the fact that we can both stimulate each others’ sexual organs manually, I her clitoris, and she my testicles and penis.
For those who have no hang-ups about oral sex, that is also an option.
My wife is turned off by that so we don’t go there, but it may be the answer for some.
Being willing to fulfil each other sexually in ways that they haven’t previously considered whilst the medical problems are sorted out may well be part of the way forward for those suffering from pain during intercourse.
That could be any kind of pain, Vaginismus, spinal pain, muscular pain, MS, etc.etc.
Hope that is helpful.
I know I’m coming to this post years later but I just found this blog. I got married in 09 and we couldn’t consummate the marriage for a while and when we did it was just too painful. I went to a dr. who said everything was normal but I read about vaginisimus and realized that’s what I have but the treatment hasn’t worked for me yet. We have a baby but his conception was painful and we haven’t had sex in about a year. We tried for our anniversary but miserably failed. Honestly, while I looked forward to our marital relations before marriage, now I feel like an asexual. I have no desire for it, and frankly I’m repulsed by it. I don’t want to have sex and I don’t even want to enjoy it. I “know” it’s holy and all the good stuff about how God designed it but I want nothing to do with it. I’m only looking for help because I love my husband and I feel bad about this. Any suggestions?
There is a group on Facebook that I’m on. Its a natural feeling. Whom would not have the fears that we have if they didn’t experience it. Don’t feel bad there are many options: Physical Therapy, botox, dilators, and more.. I’m primary.. It took me 4 years to do anything. I had a baby and regressed..
Unfortunately vaginismis isn’t the only condition that makes sex painful :(. I have a condition called Vulvar Vestibulitis and I actually had to have surgery to get the pain in my girly parts to stop. I was in pain ALL OF THE TIME no matter what I did. Even if I stayed home from work and laid in bed and rested all day I was in pain. Not even Vicodin took the edge off of my pain. Having sex with my husband was not an option. I finally got a diagnosis and tried some prescription medicines before my dr said that surgery was my best option. Thankfully the surgery took away about 90% of my pain and we are now able to be intimate about 3 times per week but that is my max. Otherwise I am in too much pain. I also still am unable to sit even for five minute without a lot of pain.
You mentioned in this article that sometimes sex is good for releasing endorphins to help you recover from pain and to help you sleep but in my situation it only aggravated my condition and made my pain worse.
If sex hurts – whether it be muscle related like in Vaginismis or whether it be nerve related like my situation is – please see a doctor!
thank you for this website and for this article. However, I would be interested what you would say to someone with my condition in my PRE surgery state when it was literally impossible for me to be intimate with my husband? It wasn’t a matter of just not wanting to because of the pain but physically not being able to…
I have that and Vaginismus.. Yes I agree. For those of us with these conditions.. Sex and anything in those areas would be the last thing with relaxing. But there are treatment options.
I have the same condition!!! And I complete understand! I so want to be intimate with my husband! We had an amazing sex life before I had this condition. We still “want” each other, but as soon as things start to heat up, my nerve pain is uncontrollable! I haven’t gone towards surgery yet. There is a new technology out called the Mona Lisa that was created for pain in menopausal women but it is being trialed on women with our condition as well. Just waiting in line to get the opportunity to try it! I’ve had this for 3 1/2 years now. And we have three young kids. It’s been a rough road but we are still strong together and try to find ways to connect until there is a medical change. Thank you for sharing! It gives me hope.
Thank you, for writing this article and including a demographic of women, who often feel invisible. I have been having this conflict with my husband and after 7yrs, 2 small children, he still becomes hostile about it. This wears me down and makes me feel more isolated and hopeless. Im 35 yrs old but feel like I’m 100!! I pray it gets better
Good post….Pain is an unpleasant conscious experience that emerges from the brain when the sum of all the available information suggests that you need to protect a particular part of your body. When a health illness or condition is chronic it means it is long-lasting. Chronic pain is pain that persists or progresses over a long period of time. Chronic pain typically has persisted for at least 3 months. visit our site for good tertments for Back Pain, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Thyroid. http://www.drbastomski.com/
This is a great topic to address and one that I am certain needs to be addressed for many women. However, your perspective is perplexing for several reasons. First of all, you seem to be putting all forms of pain in the same category. I don’t believe that addressing this topic in this manner is appropriate unless you have medical training in the field of chronic pain as well. Pain is not a one size fits all. There are many different reasons for pain and management of it is not going to be the same for every person. Although I am the one who struggles with chronic pain in our marriage, if it was my husband, I cannot imagine expecting him to have sex if it caused him pain; likewise his concern is (not) causing me pain. And he will not proceed if it is painful for me. Sex, while an integral part of marriage, should never come before the well-being of ones’ spouse. Love is putting the other person before you, it is not self seeking, it is patient, is kind, and many other things (I Corinthians 13. It is putting another above your self. To put the needs of others before our own. There is no other relationship that this applies to more than the marriage relationship. Women have often been socialized to believe that they must endure any amount or pain or discomfort when it is present in sex. . It is unfortunate that it is often the church that teaches submission to the point of enduring pain is required, but how is that Biblical? Love should never hurt. A husband who insists on sex despite pain his wife is experiencing if it is present is not loving his wife. Take a wife who is pregnant and not able to have sex in certain situations, should she be pressured to do it anyway? Whose well-being is that for? Scripture clearly teaches us that the greatest is love.. Sex is too often given a higher place in a marriage than it should.. No where are we taught that it is the most important thing. Important yes, but not the number one thing.
From a medical standpoint, how can you determine that sex is beneficial in the face of pain for all who experience it? You do not know the cause of pain, you do not know what problems may come from pain, and you do not know what the pain can be like. You mention MS, (and this is only an example) and it doesn’t sound like you have a clear understanding of it. Even if you have it yourself, it is a disease that affects every person differently. You cannot say what is best for everyone who has it. To encourage women to endure the pain and present it as a necessary evil is not Biblical. Yes, it may be hard to abstain but in light of the vast amount of Scripture that addresses self-control, it is easy to see that we are not to expect that we will all always get our desires met in the way in which we prefer. In certain medical conditions, sex may be harmful. In cases where pain is severe it will do more harm than good to the marriage relationship. Anyone who says otherwise has been undoubtedly influenced by others; Sex is the coming together of a husband and wife to become one flesh; it is mutually giving and receiving; it is not possible to be receiving or fully giving when pain is a factor. We live in a fallen world, not only did sin enter the world with the fall, disease did as well. There have been many cases where sex is never shared between a husband and wife due to a serious illness or separation. God gives grace to those who need it when they seek His grace rather than insisting that their fleshly desires me met at whatever toll it takes on ones’ spouse. It is God that is to be glorified in the marriage bed and He is not when one spouse is focused on the flesh above all else. He is not glorified when one spouse is pressured or made to feel guilty and the focus is performance based.
I have Vulvar vestibula, and Vaginismus. I also have PTSD. I can safely say that for someone with this kind of condition to say sex is relaxing. That is what would initate the pain. Most women whom have it would call it a burning pain. Mine was to the point where my husband said it was like hitting a block wall and even when I tried to push through the pain. It wouldn’t happen. It became a source of stress. But will say that my husband was there for me. He supported me.. He knew because an Obgyn warned this would be an issue with our marriage. He still married me.. He stayed married to me and is equal partnership. I agree that you try.. but I think to remember that there is a bunch of reasons why medically speaking sex may not be possible. while the two things I have are similar they are different. But there is treatment. Its important that if you hear someone saying something about painful sex that you let them know not to push it and to get treatment by an OBgyn. Medical people are getting better about knowing about it..
I am sorry for your struggle with pain, but it is wonderful that you have a husband who supports your challenge in this area. that is what love is all about; seeking the good of the other. I hope you find some relief and it sounds like you both are making some positive efforts to achieve this goal. Keep handling this often difficult problem together and it is likely to bring you two closer together. We know that God promises to bring good out of every situation (Romans 8:28) and it is highly possible that the good that might come from a struggle such as this is a deeper love and commitment to one another as you tackle this challenge together. Also remember too that if doubts about yourself or anything related to this are not from God, they are from the enemy who is God’s enemy and therefore our enemy. He attacks us where we are the weakest. But God is truly our strength. God bless you and thank you for sharing about your problem in this area.
Hi. I know this was written a long while ago. So far, I’ve seen no one with my issues. I had a very rare type of vaginal cancer, I was diagnosed as Stage III. The Drs. didn’t believe I would live even with 30 doses of high Radiation and hig doses of Chemo. The surgeries I had were numerous. They had to remove a lot of my vagina. I have only enough to barely get a few inches inside me. I No longer feel like a woman at all. Is there any site anyone could post for someone like me? I am so brokenhearted over this. Anyone? Suggestions? I am welling up with tears. I cannot give my beautiful husband what I simply do not have. How does God feel about this, I often wonder. God Bless all of us.
Oh, I’m so, so sorry. I’m so glad you made it through the treatments, but how awful! I guess I’d say that one can be sexual without intercourse. There is still a lot that you can do together. Concentrate a lot on being naked, on massages, and then use other forms of stimulation for each other. It may not be what you had before, but it can still be very intimate, and it can still be very beautiful. Concentrate on what you can do, not on what you can’t. I’ve got two posts for people more in your situation here and here. I hope that helps!
I love this post. I too am seeing this late. I have two chronic conditions. The first one is endometriosis. I had that for years. Between second and third child I got the diagnosis. After the third, I started treatments. One of my symptoms was painful intercourse. I had a feeling about something before marriage but got vertification later after my symptoms got worse. My husband didn’t have a clue and even after the surgery he thought everything would be perfect. It got so bad that he called me names, had anger outbursts and finally stopped talking to me. Even after a partial hyster. It wasn’t until he had to have open bypass surgery that his attitude changed. That was short lived due to more surgeries and constant allergic reactions.
I too can’t have intercourse or it brings on pain. I wonder if he is exhibiting that unconditional love that is talked about.
I have been married for almost three years and have experienced pleasant intercourse once. I cried the first three times we had sex (on our honeymoon) and for the first year of marriage counted ceiling tiles to take my mind off the pain during intercourse. It caused a significant strain on our marriage, obviously, as we are young people with high hopes of intimacy. We felt lied to by everyone (particularly the Christian purity movement) and so alone. I felt like a terrible wife and would cry from the guilt of not providing what a good wife is supposed to give.
I saw a therapist who suggested I had vaginismus, so it is SO comforting to see all these other commenters with the same problems as me (even though this is a very old post). Things are a little better now–nowhere near pleasant, but no bleeding or crying now. My poor husband has been wonderfully supportive most of the time and done his best to be there for me, even though he feels like he is raping me sometimes. We practice other intimacy that was suggested above, and it’s made life bearable. We just don’t want to feel so alone.
But I am grateful for the idea of vaginismus.com. I will have to look into that!
I am experiencing extreme pain with penetration after having had a hysterectomy two years ago. Never had any problems before this. Doctors telling me its hormonal and I need to lubricate more – Did this, and no amount of lubrication helps even a little. Its so painful, I feel faint each time and count the seconds praying for him to finish. It leaves me in “silent” tears and I feel so awful not being able to do this properly- also feeling God has punished our sexual relationship as we are both divorcees.
Are there any posts on vaginismus by chance?
There are! Try here.
My story:
When I got married sex was extremely painful. Not only on the outside but also on the inside. I thought that it was because I was a virgin, and needed to take it slowly, but it didn’t get better. It felt like I was being stabbed deep inside with every thrust. At first he went slow but then he needed his “needs” met and I being quite aware that my body was not my own yielded to him. Intercourse became a sacrifice that I would lay down my life and my body for my husband. Even though it did not feel like making love, through tears, I never denied him. In fact I even pursued him so that he would not be tempted. My problem was he felt he couldn’t satisfy me yet expected me to masturbate. Therefore he used my pain as an excuse not to render affection which hurt worse.
I am so happy I found your blog ! I have been reading around your site all day and so happy i came across oldie but goodie ! I suffer from everyday chronic pain from an ongoing unresolved illness. My hubby and i are unable to have intercorse due to the fact & we have tried every position in every angle talked to OB & pelvic floor therapist, tried all of their recommendations for intercourse. I don’t want my hunny to become unsatisfied and looking for more. We’re both very much wanting, but do you have any advice ?
So the pelvic floor therapist wasn’t able to help? Did they at least diagnose the source of the pain–like whether it as muscular, or a reaction to something like condoms, or something like that? There are different types of pain, and if you can narrow in on what kind sometimes that can help. With time it often does get better, but that’s not a lot of help in the here and now. If you found that that physiotherapist wasn’t helpful, I’d keep trying and keep pushing through and find another one!
Hi,
I totally agree with this post but can we look at one step further? What about when you are recovering from a medical procedure or childbirth and the doctor says no? what should you do then?
If a doctor says you shouldn’t have sex until you are recovered, listen to the doctor! They know what they are talking about and they’ve seen cases where people have sex too soon and it makes recovery more painful and longer!
If you two are really wanting to be intimate, you can also be sexual in ways that don’t require you to break doctor’s orders. But doctor’s orders always should be followed!