What is the difference between entertaining and hospitality?
I received a book to review on this blog a few months ago that I was actually pretty excited about. It was talking about entertaining for people who didn’t really like to entertain or didn’t feel like they knew how. And I thought, that’s for me! I’m not a detail person. I find it hard to put on a party, because when people come I get so caught up in talking to them I forget about little things like oven timers and when food has to be turned on.
So I thought: this can help organize me!
Instead it just depressed me. It was all about how to make your home beautiful, and how to do gorgeous place settings, and how to make canapes. I’m never going to make canapes.
Now maybe you have the gift of entertaining, and you find this sort of thing fun. But what I find fun is having a pile of people over, serving something easy like chicken fajitas with lots of fixings, and then eating wherever you can find a chair while you talk nonstop, and then playing board games afterwards while the kids scatter.
In fact, after reading this book, I began to think that maybe I’d never actually thrown a dinner party in my life! I’ve had tons of people over for dinner, but I’ve never thrown a dinner party. I’ve only ever “had people over”. I had thought I had thrown dinner parties, but my table never looked anything like the tables in that book.
Please understand; I am not saying there’s anything wrong with that kind of entertaining. But I just don’t know if I have the time to put in that kind of work in order to have people over. The author of this book gets her kids involved, and it’s a family affair, and that’s wonderful. But I’m not that kind of person. I’m a lot more laid back. I like a lot of laughter, not quiet music playing in the background. I like big debates, not tame conversation. So I’m not a dinner party gal.
I worry that if we expect that anytime we have people over for dinner it has to be a big production, that we will stop inviting people over.
One of the best things you can do to encourage friendships for your children (and yourself) is to have people over. Invite other families over. Talk. Instead of watching TV tonight, talk to friends! Share food. Have people bring something and contribute. Let’s function more like a community.
But will we do that if we think that we must have elaborate place settings for people? Or we must plan a menu to reflect the seasons, or the fall colours, or the summer bounty? What if I just want to clear out my freezer?
I’m not saying I don’t put any effort in; I guess it’s just that I see a difference between hospitality and entertaining. Hospitality says, “come and share my life”. Entertaining says, “I will do something out of the ordinary and extraordinary for you”. Hospitality says, “I’m not really making extra effort; I just value you and so I want to include you in what we’re doing because you make it better by being here.” Entertaining says, “I went out of my way for you.”
One isn’t wrong and one right, it’s just a different philosophy. I would rather just share my life, and so I don’t do the whole “posh” thing. But some people are very good at posh, and it comes naturally. So by all means, go ahead!
But let’s not think that in order to have people over we have to be posh.
No, you don’t. Do you know how rare a home cooked meal is today, even if it’s just spaghetti? Anything you do is probably impressive. So don’t be afraid to share, even the little you do have. Remember the five small barley loaves and two small fish? They weren’t much, but they fed a ton of people and everyone had a big party. You can take the little you have and give people a memory.
What people remember is the feeling of community and the interaction.
Others who focus more on entertaining may feel they remember the beauty, and the grace, and the effort. Both are fine. But that beauty and grace and effort, while lovely, is not necessary. Don’t let fears that you can’t entertain stop you from having people in. Just share who you are, and laugh, and talk, and play, and have fun, and people will remember, even if it’s not a traditional dinner party. And if we all got back to inviting people in once a week, rather than hibernating in our own homes watching TV, we’d be a much healthier society.
My Go-To Meal for Hospitality: Tacos
Honestly, whenever I have a pile of people over, I make tacos. I’ve even made them for 200 people for a youth event. They’re cheap, they’re easy, you can make a lot of the stuff ahead of time, and people put their own together, so you don’t have to worry about picky eaters.
Here’s the trick to doing tacos well: Make a LOT of stuff to go in them. I use:
- Taco meat (ground beef mixed with taco spices; I make my own, but you can buy ready-made, or find recipes on the internet)
- Mexican rice (just make your favourite rice recipe, but substitute the water with 1/2 V8 or tomato juice and 1/2 chicken stock. Then add 2 tsp chili powder, 2 tsp oregano, some garlic salt, and some salt)
- Refried Beans (just a can of romano or pinto beans, quickly heated up with some garlic, and then add cumin, oregano, chili powder, and salt and pepper. I do about a tsp of each of the spices, and then a pinch of salt and pepper. You can also make these with dried beans. Just soak overnight, then boil for 1 1/2 hours earlier in the day. SUPER cheap!)
- Lettuce
- Cheese
- Sour Cream
- Peppers
- Salsa
- Guacamole
Because I use the rice and refried beans, the meat goes a lot further. I find that 1 lb. can feed 6-7 people, whereas normally it only does 4.
And that’s it. It’s really easy. And everybody always loves it!
Do you have people over? What’s your favourite thing to make? How do you make it fun? Let me know!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Since we were the first ones out of all our friends to have kids, and since we had three so close in age, I've almost completely stopped having parties here because it's just too daunting! We are blessed to have my cousin and his wife over once a week after the kids are in bed, but I miss all the gatherings we used to have. I'm trying to overcome not having things because the house isn't perfect. Great post!
>Thanks Sheila. I needed to hear this. Even hospitality is challenging for me. I certainly don't entertain as you describe it here. I LOVED your line about cleaning out the freezer!!
I have been thinking about having people over for cards or dinner or whatever, but always think of myself as a "Martha", and insecure about my plain house and so I thought I couldn't. You have encouraged me today!
>Oh Sheila…we are on the same page here. I feel really good if I have paper napkins that might be in season to place beside the crockpot on the counter!!! I bought a set of 12 place settings on sale for this reason. Paper plates are hard to handle on your lap with hot things! Our last gathering with friends we played "Things" it was so…much fun. Way better than watching a "leafs" game on a Saturday night. I agree great post!!!
>We moved into our house 2 years ago, and it still is not finished. (Subfloors, primer on most of the walls, etc.) At first I didn't want anyone over until my house is finished, but then decided that if I waited until then, I would never have anyone over. I figure I have people over to have fellowship and an enjoyable time. Surely we can do that in an unfinished home. I sometimes take the time to have nice place settings, etc, but not always. A lot of my friends are more comfortable in a more relaxed setting without having to decide which fork to use first.
>I have two different friends, who both love having dinner parties, but they are completely different. One hosts parties that are extremely elegant, but they are not that comfortable, in that I'm always afraid I'll forget some etiquette rule and make a mistake that will embarrass her. The other makes meal time very elegant and beautiful, but somehow at the same time makes everyone feel very relaxed. She laughs at her own mistakes and never makes anyone feel like they are less than her. I don't think the first tries to make people feel that way, but she is so about "formalities" it isn't much fun when you feel on edge the whole night.
I do try to make things a little more special when we have company, as a way of showing love, and I hope to goodness I never make anyone feel uncomfortable. We try to be ourselves and want our guests to be that comfortable as well.
Most of our dinner guests these days are our daughters friends. And that has been a neat transition for us, having their older friends with us at the dinner table. I'm liking this season of our lives.
It really is about investing in the lives of those you share a meal with, and not about impressing people, that should be at the heart of it all.
>I grew up seeing my mom stress excessively cleaning the house, etc before guests arrived.
So early in my marriage, I wanted to avoid the stress of entertaining. BUT…my husband loved having others over so I had to re-learn or re-think entertaining vs. hospitality.
Simply put, I believe that Entertaining is about ME and MY HOUSE. Where as Hospitality is about my GUEST!
I try to keep things simple (as far as food goes) and have the house clean vs. perfect. I remind myself that the most important things is for me to make our guest feel welcome and valued.
I really enjoy having people over now!
>You know, I think we feel so much pressure to "entertain" (which often reads "impress") that we get too intimidated to do it. And then we feel guilty because God commands us to show hospitality! And so many of us don't get that the two aren't the same thing. Once in a long while I'll host something moderately fancy, but more often than not it's a BBQ or a pot-luck.
I think we have to remind ourselves that the goal is not to impress each other, but to bless each other.
I'm so thankful to my mom, who has always been a stellar example of this to me. She has a way of making people feel welcome and loved, no matter if they're eating hot dogs on paper plates or a fancy dinner.
Great book on this topic, VERY encouraging – Open Heart, Open Home by Karen Mains. I think it was out of print for awhile, but has been reprinted. I know it can be found on Amazon quite cheaply. Love it.
Julie
>Hey Sheila, great post! 🙂 I read a magnificent book by Elizabeth R. Skoglund called Gifts from the Hearth, Your Guide to the Art of Hospitality. She makes the point that we should not be hindered from showing hospitality by expectations of perfection, and then she goes on to give examples of how we can go the extra mile in some small things to make people feel like they are very special to us. What I took from this book was that it's not about being a Martha (Stewart or otherwise), it's about being a Mary… who washed Jesus' feet with perfume and dried them with her hair: A humble offering in some ways, but it was her best. We too can show extravagant hospitality / love to people, without any hangups about perfection.
(Sorry to post such a long comment!)
>The formality of our entertaining really varies but it's never super fancy. One thing I do that prevents me from stressing is avoid the idea that I must only serve tried and true dishes. I'm not a recipe follower and I don't see the point in making a recipe first before serving it to someone else. Things don't truly fail very often. Sure maybe they aren't pretty but it's not a world-ending situation if everything isn't perfect. One time we were invited over for dinner and the food was pretty umm, non-tasty. I was still able to find a compliment for it and we just enjoyed the casual chit-chatting and company.
>We have friends over for dinner on a fairly frequent basis. It is never really fancy, but can range from a regular meal (or a little more special because of the recipe involving unique ingredients or trying a new recipe) to something entirely casual like pizza. But the point is to hang out with friends and laugh.
We aren't well-off, we don't have matching furniture or even a dining room (or dining table) to seat everyone. But if that really bothers our guests it is going to be mighty hard to laugh with them anyway. (And we have 3 small children so we & the guests have to be pretty chilled about formalities!)
>Good post! I have gotten out of having people over, but want to go back to it.
>Me again. Just wanted to agree with "Herding Grasshoppers" re. the book :Open Heart, Open Home by Karen Mains. It is EXCELLENT and was the turning point for me to be able to have others over and enjoy it! 🙂
Sheila, you have a way with words! I love the idea of being able to have lavish “dinner parties” but that is dream land. Being the wife of a pastor I’m often expected to entertain company on short notice. We have been at churches that expect the dinner party type of entertainment, but I am all hospitiality (especially with 3 children under the age of 6). Being from the South, I was raised with the idea that when you invite someone into your home you should go out of your way to make them feel comfortable. I don’t want my guests to feel uneasy because my home is stuffy and museum-like. I want them to feel like they can relax and enjoy conversation (and the occasional lively debate). When we moved to our new church I decided to go all out and have 1 family over every Sunday for dinner. I cannot begin to explain what a blessing it has been to truly relax with my brothers and sisters in Christ. We have been able to make connections that wouldn’t be possible if the goal was to entertain them. By showing hospitality and making them feel a part of the family we have been able to bond with our church members and establish relationships that have lead to a tighter bond with our church. So, while I would love to have the perfect dinner party I just stick with my Southern Hospitality method and enjoy the friendships I make in the process.
I do appreciate beautiful things that are planned and prepared in advance of my visit…. But have we all experienced the extremes of both ends? 1)the harried hostess who is so busy making sure everything is beautiful and perfect she has no time for the guest it was all prepared for; and 2) the hostess who didn’t prepare at all and whose bathroom was a bit stressful to use! 🙂 I love the concept of the hospitality being about the guest–not the house (so much). I do think a neat and tidy and even pretty home can make a guest feel special. A good hostess does just enough to show her guests she values their presence and wants to spend time fellowshipping with them…and neglects just enough to involve her guest in some of the work so they get to hang out together and they both feel needed. This is a gift. Making canapés is a skill. A skill I do not intend to develop….:D
It’s been more difficult to have people over since having a baby, since I can’t focus that much on cooking anymore. But I’m slowly learning it’s not about fancy meals and matching table sets and having everything just so — it’s about DOING it. Enjoying your company. Loving the after-dinner conversations. If I wait for everything to be perfect, it will either not happen, or I will be stressed through the roof and grouchy with my family, which is SO not worth it!
Thanks so much for pulling this one out today. We don’t entertain much, kind of introverts, but are hosting a party tonight, gathering old friends who haven’t seen each other in 15+ years. I’ve been stressed all week about cleaning and what to serve and what if my kids are awful to kids they’ve never met… But you are right, once they get here and we all start talking it will be great!
I can understand both sides of this coin. I am very blessed to be the one who LOVES to cook, to make new and ‘impressive’ dishes. My favourite all time hobby is eating, so I really had no choice. (grin) I am the one who goes to a fancy restaurant and spends 30 minutes on an appetizer tasting, rolling it in my mouth, examining flavours and figuring out how I could recreate it at home. I also have a background as a sommelier (someone who teaches the art of food and wine and how flavours compliment and enhance each other). So I adore the crisp white linens, the gleaming home and all that goes with it. In my opinion, when I “entertain” is it a gift I am giving to my guests, and if I were to be brutally honest with myself, I’d admit that it is my chance to show off a little bit too. It is tremendous amount of work and it exhausts and exhilarates me equally.
BUT – that has its place.
I also just love to throw some burgers on the grill and put the cello pack lettuce in a bowl and have ice cream for dessert. This is the true meaning of hospitality in my book. I wipe the table, and I try not to have dishes in the sink – but sometimes I am not successful in that goal. I love spontaneous hospitality on Sundays. During the sermon or after the service, God taps me on the shoulder and says – invite her for lunch today.. I may or may not have food in the fridge, and chances are the breakfast dishes are still in the sink, but I have learned to listen when He calls, so I suck it up and say, give me a 5 minute head start, I just need to stop at the store – and I grab some bread and lunch meat. Those impromptu lunches are always the most rewarding because they are all about the relationship. The food is secondary.
So, a very long winded post to say – both have their place, and as long as you are doing as you are directed, you can’t go wrong. I know that I seldom ‘notice’ or care if someone else’s food is not fancy or their furniture is dusty. I’m too busy talking and enjoying their company.
I love that! You go to church and wait to see who God “taps” you with. I’m going to pray about adopting that new habit and being opening to His promptings more! Thanks for your comment.
Love this! I also think that with all the decorating magazines out there, we can sometimes feel like we need to have a Martha Stewart house before we can open the door. News flash: Nobody’s house really looks like that!
I really LOVE to have people over anytime……I always have felt hospitality to be easy for me, it comes very naturally, but I was a “do it all” person….then I had kids! 🙂 Having 3 under 3yo has definitely changed my idea or expectation of what entertaining should be like. Now I realize that my house doesn’t have to be perfect, and while I still enjoy setting out my pretty glasses, or using my linen napkins, I know it doesn’t always have to be like that…..sometimes paper plates and cups are just fine! And, instead of trying to do it all myself….I ask guests to help with the meal by bringing something along……It still allows me to have the joy of hospitality, but allows me to relax a bit and adjust to our needs as a family!
I loved this article because I get so tired of hearing entertaining. I don’t mind people being around me but I like when people are having fun, and playing games, and enjoying the company of others.
This is a great post. Remember one of the of the greatest Hosts ever served only fish and bread! Friends are more interested in spending time together then what is served———-it is good to be reminded of that.
Love this! If you’ve not yet read Rosaria Butterfield’s new book “The Gospel Comes with a House Key,” please do! It’s hospitality, not entertaining, that the world needs more of, and it’s something which the Church in particular needs to model and live out.
This was a good read! There is a definite distinction. It is so nice to have a laid back menu so you can enjoy others.
Thanks for sharing! Tacos are perfect because almost everybody likes them and they can be made to it so many different dietary needs.