It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! Today we’re going to talk specifically about how to forgive your husband.
Last week I wrote a rather strongly worded post about how the reason that some men may not meet our needs is because we’re not really considering theirs, either. And I encouraged you to take a six week trial period where you honestly did these things:
1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time)
2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whatever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get.
3. Do not nag.
4. Do not give the silent treatment.
5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).
I hope some of you took me up on it!
Today I want to address one of the roadblocks to meeting his needs: lack of forgiveness. It’s hard to act out in love and to be nice to someone you’re ultimately angry at. So what do you do when he’s hurt you?
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How do you forgive your husband and work through that anger?
I received this letter recently:
There have been things that have happened in the marriage that have caused me to not trust my husband. He has apologized and admitted he was wrong but I can’t let go and forgive. I want to. And I know that once I can release this anger and fully forgive we can be happy. How do I do this?
Do you ever feel that way? In marriage we have a lot to forgive on a daily basis. A while ago I cut my finger quite badly. I paged Keith, who was on his way home, and he said he’d look at it (he’s a doctor). But when he got home he checked on our sump pump connection at the side of the house before coming indoors to check on me! I was livid.
I did need stitches. And it was hard letting him off the hook! It’s such a little thing, but still. He delayed twenty minutes, and that was twenty more minutes I had to wait to go to the hospital.
But what if it’s something bigger than that? What if you discover your husband is having an affair, or gambling, or using pornography? Then how do you forgive your husband?
Here’s what I told this woman:
1. Be Sure the Offence is in the Past
First, you have to be sure in your mind that the offence is truly in the past. For instance, if he had an affair, are you sure that this is not going on now? Has he demonstrated that he is committed to not doing it again? If not, then this is the issue that needs to be dealt with first if his infraction was something that could damage the marriage (like affairs, pornography use, or other addictions). These things shouldn’t be treated lightly, and you likely need some help to work through this and make sure it is put to rest. I have a post on how to deal with big things in marriage here.
And if your husband has been using pornography, you need assurance that he won’t again. I highly recommend Covenant Eyes in this situation; install it on all your computers, phones, and devices, and then if he is tempted to look at porn again, he’ll think twice because an accountability partner will be emailed if he tries to access those sites! It’s just that layer of assurance for you that he’s committed to change. Check it out here.
If, however, he has shown that he is sorry and has tried to show you that he won’t do it again, the ball is now in your court. So let me say a few things about forgiveness.
2. Remember that He Can’t Change the Past
No matter what he did, he can’t make up for it now. There is no way for him to erase what happened. If you continue to hold it against him, it is like you are asking him to make up for it. You’re asking for the impossible. At some point you have to realize that what is past is past, and you can’t change it. You can’t ask him to change it. It just is.
If you keep your anger towards him, you end up punishing both of you. It is impossible to function as a unit and to have an intimate relationship if you are harbouring resentment for him.
So what do you want from your marriage? Do you want someone you can love and cherish who cherishes you back? Do you long to feel loved and unconditionally accepted? Then you need to work on achieving that in your marriage, and that means letting this go. You will never get what you want and yearn for if you stay angry.
3. Work Towards Forgiveness By Remembering Who Paid the Price
It may not be fair that you forgive. Forgiveness never is fair. That’s not the point. It is not that forgiveness is fair; it is that it is freeing. It frees both of you. He doesn’t have to make up for the past, and you don’t have to stay angry. You can both concentrate on the here and now and learn to love one another again.
Finally, if you’re finding it hard to forgive, remember that someone has already paid the price. God already paid the price for all the rotten stuff that people do when Jesus died on the cross. If God’s already paid for it, then someone has been punished. It wasn’t your husband, but someone has paid. So your husband doesn’t have to. Jesus also paid for all the stuff you’ve done. He did it so that you could have a relationship with God without being hindered by all the sin and ugly stuff in our lives.
So if you ask God to help you understand how He has forgiven you, maybe you will also be able to extend that forgiveness to your husband.
4. Give It Time
I know that takes time. When an affair has taken place, for instance, you can’t just rush in and pretend like it didn’t happen. You have to rebuild trust, and that can take a while. I have a friend whose husband had an affair, and she moved out for a year. They went to counseling, they went on a retreat, and only then did she feel like she could trust him again. But they did rebuild, and today they’re rock solid.
The problem is that just “moving back in” doesn’t mean that you’ve forgiven. It has to be a heart thing. And that means that you have to promise yourself that when you get angry again, you won’t think about it. If you’ve chosen to forgive, and then you get angry, it isn’t his problem anymore. It’s yours. He’s not the one who has done something wrong; it’s now you.
So when you’re struggling to rebuild, and you feel yourself getting angry, pray instead. Sing instead. Do anything to stop thinking about it! Don’t let yourself plot revenge, or brood, or even talk a ton to your friends about how you’re feeling. Take it to God and don’t entertain it. The more you let yourself think about it, the more you’ll stay angry.
5. Give up Your Right to be Angry
Once he has shown he’s repentant and he isn’t doing it anymore, and once you’ve decided that you want to rebuild the relationship and move forward, you have to then give up your right to be angry and pull out that infraction everytime he does something wrong in the future. It needs to stay behind you. I’d even recommend you each writing letters to each other: he promises not to do it again, and you promise that you won’t bring it up again or harbour resentment about it. Then, if you do start yelling at him about it, he can pull out that letter and confront you. And if he slips back into a negative pattern, you can pull out yours.
Instead of thinking about all the bad things he’s done, spend that emotional energy rebuilding your friendship. Do stuff together. Exercise together. Play a game together. Cook together. It’s hard to stay angry with someone with whom you’re building memories with.
Need to forgive? Take those steps. And then keep working through our six week challenge! You’ll find at the end you have a whole different marriage.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Two of the best things I read on forgiveness are to realize that forgivenss requires the forgiver to give up something and that we must sometimes let our actions lead our feelings. The latter I think I read in a CS Lewis book (maybe both; it's been a while). He talked about knowing he had to forgive someone and acting as if (one might even say pretending) he had forgiven and then one day waking up and realizing that he had let go of the anger and pain. Too often I think we think we need to feel the right way before we can forgive, but often if we act the way we should, the feelings will follow.
The other point was that one must pay a cost when one forgives. If I forgive you a monetary debt, I am out that amount of money. But if someone wrongs me in some other way, I still have to give up something to forgive them, perhaps it is my desire for justice or my pride or something else. I think just realizing this can help make forgiveness easier.
>Thank you for this post. I have had to travel the journey of forgiveness a number of times in the last two years of my marriage. It has been the most difficult two years ever for us, but I am so glad that we have decided to stick together and make things work. To allow God to heal our hearts and our marriage and make it better than ever. And this has only happened because of forgiveness and God. Thanks for the reminder.
>I think sometimes, as you mentioned, the key to true forgiveness is to force yourself NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE OFFENSE, after you've forgiven. You can say the words, but if you continue to dwell on the offense, then it tends to take on a life of it's own again. You can't keep chewing on it like a bitter cud. I find I have to force myself NOT to go back and think about it, or I get angry and hurt all over again.
>What great comments!
Nebby, that's so true. We do need to acknowledge that when we forgive, we are losing something. We are paying a cost. I don't mean to "pooh pooh" it or diminish it at all. I know it's hard. So thanks for those illustrations!
A Mom: I'm so glad you're experiencing God's healing. It doesn't mean the road is easy, but at least you're not alone!
And VA: thanks for that. I'm glad you saw the same thing I did in the post. For most things in life, the struggle is really in our heads. We have to change the way we think. That's an awfully hard road, but God can help us–if we take the initiative and decide we don't want to entertain this anymore.
>I linked up with a previous post called, Repairing the Cracks.
Learning to forgive is one of the most important things we can do for our marriages.
I am so glad to have found your site. I look forward to more Wifey Wednesdays. 🙂
Thank you for your post. I am having a hard time forgiving my husband. My head and spirit knows but my emotions wouldn’t. I know I need to move on but it’s really hard. I know I’m being very selfish and as you said, forgiveness frees you.
In one of the articles about foregiveness it was said about the spouse asking for foregiveness, saying/admitting that he did something. then foregiving him. What if he says the reason he was interested in someone else, and saw her frequently to the point he seriously considered moving in with her, was because it’s my fault. My attitude at home, etc. So I foregive cuz God tells me to and God will be the “judge” etc. But I still don’t have a promise that that issue and possible future issues will not occur, how do I trust.???
I’ve forgiven my husband, but I cannot forget (I wish I could). Last Sept, just after our 7th wedding anniversary I discovered he’s been having multiple affairs with women AND hook-ups with men. Yes, you read that right. I am beside myself and don’t know what to do. He lost his very well paying job in October (after carrying on an affair with one of his employees). I am a stay-at-home mom. The situation is something I never in a million years pictured myself in. Some days I want to figure out a way to stay together, many times I want to run far away… far far away. I’m afraid to move forward either way…
Jane, that’s so, so difficult. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! I think something like this is big enough that you really need to get some other people involved and get your husband in some counseling. It won’t just get better by ignoring it. The best book I’ve read on the subject is James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough. But I think you need to put some very definite boundaries around your marriage and let him understand that there are consequences if he does this. And remember: God will always provide for you, no matter what happens. He will always care for you. And He does want to save your marriage. But sometimes saving a marriage takes real confrontation and real limits, not just “easy forgiveness” before the hard work of healing is properly done. I hope that helps!
Hi,
I understand the pain you are going thru as I am myslf going thru a similar patch. Its difficult to pray when you dont even know what to pray for. Somebody told me that during such difficult times when you don not know what you want or which way to go, we should pray that God reveals to us the path He has chosen for us. I really hope that He will emphatically reveal and show you the path that He has chosen for you.
Good Luck!!!
Honestly, I think a lot of the people preaching forgiveness here dont understand some things,
1. Whether in your head or not you have forgiven the person, they relationship cannot heal if the other party does not think he/she is wrong and has not asked for forgiveness. Then, they also need to do their part by changing the patterns of their behavior that would lead you to distrust them. For instance, my husband hides his phone whenever he goes to bed. Have I forgiven him in my head for his numerous affairs…yes, but our relationship is not better because he has not changed his mind (repented) about his behavior. Even if I forgive him and look at his silly behavior with love and pity, how will he benefit. He has neither asked for, not needs my forgiveness. So there is still a wall between us. Just like God and people, when we sin we build the wall. God is alwawys there, but we like to think He is gone. But He is not gone. He still loves us. But we can never reconcile with Him and benefit from His love unless we ask him to forgive us. For if we Dont ask, we Dont KNOW we are forgiven. So we continue to live in misery and yes, BLAME GOD.
Husbands are like that. Women must be GOD as far as all these Christian posts go, but men can be mere Humans. No wonder the Devil identified the real powerbroker in Eden as Eve! I forgive already because I now know how superiorly God must look down on us and all our little stupid sins, which we make so important, so I pity my husband and his lovers past and present for believing that they were actually acting out some superior life drams….and I forgive because as a child of God, I can afford to be pitying toward them.
However, they will never enjoy the fullness of a relationship with me again = NOT because I have not forgiven, but they have not required it nor repented. As far as they know, I am angry and stewing….they, whether for guilt or plain uncaring haven’t bothered to find out.
Ladies, forgive for your own sake. Don’t be afraid to be angry if cheated on. You have done your part according to God;s law and GOD has to fix it. It is as simple as that. The entire Bible is a series of contracts (or covenants) and if you fulfill YOUR part of the contract GOD is OBLIGATED to fulfill HIS. That includes allowing you to superiorily look down on your cheating contract breaking husband from a lofty height (in your mind). Be kind and not cruel. These silly men that we have all raised to be weak and prone to affairs are never going to conquer strong GOD women who are big enough to forgive. Pity them for they know not what they do…and they cannot harm you because NO WEAPON THAT IS FORMED AGAINST YOU WILL PROSPER.
They are reducing their chances of success, long life, good health, by sinning in this way – pity them.
If after you begin to pity them, you can still romantically love them … good for you. For myself, pitying a man does not do well for wanting him in my life for eternity. Then you can plead the ONE reason for divorce: Adultery!
Finally, everyone is big on wives forgiving cheating husbands. To what end? To be his caregiver when he is old and pissing the bed? Shouldn’t that be the job of the woman he was having fun with. Lets look at adultery another way: God is saying to you – stop investing your life in this guy, invest it in ME. If you can’t forgive in a God like way, by looking down in Love and PITY then, MOVE ON. You can still forgive but you don’t have to stay.
It is sad that you have convinced yourself into thinking you are a saint to forgive & continue to live w/a wicked cheating husband.
It is time to move on to a life of purity away from a dishonest cheating husband.
Jane
Your husband has been given over by God to a ‘reprobate mind’. You are under NO obligation to try to save your marriage, Not even GOD would want you to suffer beside a man who has committed abomination after abomination. Sometimes the finding out is the clue for m God to GET OUT! Your husband needs prayer to break down the strongholds of the Devil in his head, He does not need you to be living with him. As you are both ‘one flesh’ he has actually prostituted YOU to those men, That is a severe psychic blow to you. You need to flee that relationship and forgive him for his unhappy life FROM A DISTANCE.
My heart goes out to you. I have no words to describe how this situation of betrayal is upsetting, degradi g, humiliating…however, you are required as a child of God to forgive him as your heavenly father forgives you. But you are not required to accept this situation or to continue a relationship that violates your moral & religious values ….you can continue to pray for your husband for God to convict and change him. But you need to protect yourself emotionnaly and physically ( diseases) and your children if you have them . Pls RUN AWAY until he is in a better place, until he is restored and your marriage covenant is restored.
I’m a Christian, single-dad of two great kids. My ex-wfe and I got married young (22 and 21) while we were students at a Bible College. I can still remember the day she discovered I had been viewing pornography. I lied my way out of the first discovery, but couldn’t lie my way out of the others. She was a marriage and family therapist and suggested counseling due to my inability to stop and her inability to trust me. The counseling session was successful…at least I thought it was. She was able to have sex with me again, but said she was uncomfortable holding my hand. I didn’t understand, but figured this was her way of dealing with her hurt. In 2008, I lost was laid off and we decided to move up north to her parents house. The plan was live with her parents until we found jobs and could afford to live on our own. We both found jobs pretty quickly and I thought we were on our way to living on our own. Well, weeks turned into months and months turned into a year. I had asked her several times during that year when we were going to look for a place of our own. She finally told me that she realized how bad the marriage was and that she was not going to tie herself to me financially again. She shortly aftrward told me I needed to move out. She said I needed to talk with a counselor about my “selfishness”. She said after I completed my counseling, she would be willing to go to couples therapy. I went to individual counseling every week for nearly 6 months. I went ahead and made an appointment for us to being our couples therapy. The soonest I could get in was 30 days. I sent her an email letting her know that I made the appointment and that I would take care of the cost. For all of those 30 days, I never heard from as to whether or not she was coming. I remember calling my mom from the lobby, devestated that it didn’t look like she was going to show up. Two minutes before the session was to start, she showed up! My hear jumped out of my chest!! This was the beginning of a miracle reconciliation. We sat down with the counselor. I couldn’t wait to get started on our new life together. Before we got going, she stated that she was filing for divorce! I was absolutely and completely devestated. She never looked back. In May of the following year, our divorce was final. Here I was, in a new state with no family (she had her entire family with her) and realizing that my marriage, that I was sure God was going to restore was over. It’s been two years since the divorce and depite the constant criticism, the put downs, the contant fighting and silent treatments, I want to reconcile with her! I know I’m crazy and everyone asks me why I want to be with someone who made me feel so bad about myself? We have two children together. I still love her. I know God wants marriages to stay together. He hates divorce. She said at one point she forgave me for the pornography. She has since gone back and taken away her forgiveness. She said she tried and can’t do it. She still has trust issues. It’s been nearly impossible for me to function knowing that my marriage is over. I can’t accept that my past sins are the reason for her wanting out. I went to counseling and repented. It was good enough for her. I’m devestated and paralyzed by sadness and guilt. She is now seeing someone and it’s making how I feel about myself even worse. What if this relationship works out for her? It would prove that the reason the divorce failed was all my fault.
Jeremy, I’m so sorry. You’ve been hurt horribly, and you’re dealing with guilt, too.
It is important to see where things that you’ve done may have contributed to the situation, but it sounds like you’ve done that, and you have repented. If you have turned away from those things, and Jesus has already paid for them, please don’t feel you have to keep beating yourself up over them.
It takes two people for a marriage to end. You may have done something wrong, but you also worked at reconciliation. She decided to end it. You do not bear all the responsibility for the marriage ending.
All you can do now is move forward–move forward and be the best dad you can be for your two children, because they need you, and that is the most important role you have. Get healthy. Get whole. Throw yourself at God, and immerse yourself in service at your church, and find a place to belong where it’s healthy. And in that place, let your children play a big part. Fight for your kids; your kids need to know that their dad cares.
As for your ex-wife, you need to leave it in God’s hands. It’s great to leave room for reconciliation, but there is nothing else that you can do. Leave it to God, but move forward in faith with your own life, trying to live as big a life as possible. Your marriage has fallen apart, but God still has amazing things for you to do. He has places you can serve, and minister, and people you can help. You can do so many things with your life; don’t allow your pain to make you live a small life.
Throw yourself on God; he can take it. And He wants to do amazing things with you. I am sorry that your wife doesn’t want to be a part of that, but God can still use you, and He can still use your kids. Moving forward doesn’t mean that you’re turning your back on reconciliation; it just means that you are moving forward and getting whole in God, so that you are ready for whatever else–including reconciliation–He may bring. But you’re moving forward in faith first.
I hope that makes sense.
Thanks, Shelia! I’ve heard for almost two years that I need to move on. I just haven’t figured out how to do it. In the two years since the divorce I’ve been on two dates with one girl and the whole time I’m with her, I’m thinking about my ex-wife…wondering what she’s doing. I know that she doesn’t think about me when she’s out with her new boyfriend and I get these mental images of them together…of her sharing herself with him the way she shared herself with me. It’s TORTURE!! I picture him someday moving in with her and with MY kids. He family taking him in the way they took me in…I CAN”T STAND IT! The things you’ve suggested make great sense. The hard part to grasp is the fact that the divorce COULD and SHOULD have been fixed. She’s a marriage and family therapist and she thought it was in the best interest of the kids to get a divorce?
Hi Jeremy,
I am so sorry for your divorce. I can comment from her side and I hope this helps. My response is not intended to tell you to fix or not, just to give you some u derstanding of her side.
I came from a family of all women. They were all abused by my grandfather …I didn’t know him. They carried that abuse into their adulthood, where I was never physically abused, but emotionally, I was tormented. I never had a father so I had nodes what a real Godly man was to look like. Fast forward to my late teens years where I fell in love for the first time. He was a huge liar, pathological… Every little thing was a lie, even if he liked butter on toast, for example. I learned from him that if you lie in one area, you must lie in all. Fast forward a few more years where I was ohysical with a guy for him to stay with me. He told me he would never date me but I hung around anyway.. on every little word he said. Next guy? He got me pregnant. I had an abortion. All the while, knowing Jesus, yet never committing. And then I did, and I met my husband. Before we got married, he told me that he had a disorder called trasvistic disorder, which is wearing women’s clothing for gratification. Sometimes he’d imagine himself as the girl. I got on my knees and prayed over him in despair and got a complete calm over me that he would be healed. We got married in 2014 and got pregnant the following July. I was sick as a dog during my pregnancy. And that’s when my husband slipped and went back to his old ways. My daughter will be a year old… It’s been almost a year and a half he hid this from me. Through my grandmother’s death, the birth of our daughter, every Christmas, every holiday…. When he told me… Jesus was present. I was the last thing my heart could ever do, but I forgave him with this deep Mercy. I wasn’t even mad, to be honest about what he was doing. In fact my heart aches. He’s so trapped, he cried nearly Everytime we talk about it. He’s deeply deeply destroyed by this, he has had it since puberty. I don’t fault him for it. But Jesus was present. And spmehwere in my heart I knew letting him go wasn’t the answer. But I listened to that, when my flesh was screaming to run. Your ex, she may be too afraid she can never look the love of her life in the eyes again and believe him. And that’s just the thing. Idk I ever will either, but I’ll never stop trying. Pray your wife finds peace in this time. And I pray your continue to seek God and stay on the right path.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jessica. That was very brave. I’m so glad that Jesus has become so real to you and has healed you in so many ways! I pray that He’ll send you some wise people to surround you and your husband and to be with you as you struggle to work this through. Many, many blessings.
I m sorry jeremy but maybe you should have thought twice about porn and hurting your wife. She didn’t deserve that.
Jeremy, I am sorry. I have a husband who loves porn, cocaine and lying. I am still with him fighting for it to work. I won’t lie, I am on this site investigating how to forgive him as he registered on an internet dating site, and I can’t get over this one, but there are worse things out there then porn… trust me. I don’t think she wants it to work, you have put in so much effort, I could only wish for a husband like you. Go on a date or two, you may just be surprised.
I have been married for 17 years to a man that has never put the needs of his family before his own wants. I have stayed inthis marriage out of obligation to God and my children. I found out two years ago that my husband has a very strange relationship with one of his co workers. They are constantly texting each other and going to lunch together several times a week. This woman he calls his best friend is also married and has 3 children. I asked him to stop this relationship and I also asked her to stop as well. Needless to say, that didn’t happen and my husband announced a year ago that he was moving out. He told me that he chose her friendship over his marriage.This woman has been at his house many times and they go places together and he sometimes babysits for her. He says she is his best friend, but it is only friendship. Skip forward one year, my husband says he loves me and is sorry he has hurt me and wants to try to work this marriage out. That is fantastic, but how do I trust him? He still works with this woman everyday. I want my family back together, but I can’t stop thinking of his relationship with her. It is hurt me so deeply. I feel more betrayed by this emotional relationship he has with her than if it were a physical relationship. I can’t sleep at night because I dream about it. I want to forgive my husband but it is so hard when I know that he is with her everyday. My husband knows how hurt I am, but I would really like for this woman to understand what she has done to me and my family. Would it be wrong to ask to talk to her? Not in an argumentative way or threatening way, but in a way to clear my mind, say what I need to say and try to move forward.
Hi Lorie,
My husband has en emotional affair since the very beginning of our marriage and therefore we never really connected. I feel like a punching bag he turns to only when the other woman or his family is unavailable although i have been with him through his most difficult times. He refuses to acknowledge the emotional affair as the relationship is purely platonic although that woman has always interfered in our private life. Now as my marriage is crumbling and falling apart I do not know if i should work on saving my marriage as my H simply does not realise the extent of damage this relationship is causing me. I cannot blame him as he is simply ignorant but my world is shattered.
I have never had the chance to confront the other woman in my H’s life but if u do have the chance I think you should confront her and ask her to put herself in your shoes and feel the pain that their “purely platonic” relationship is causing.
Regards,
Rose.
Well your words are right on target with what we should do in our mind and our heart when we experience hurt in our married relationship. However how do you really do that? I’ve felt such a lack of cooperation and downright ignoring the issues regarding what I face, that I admit it just makes me angrier. I’ve had no good solution. I’ve tried your methods yet it still comes back. And now I just don’t trust him deep down.
Should we forgive the adulterers? Does God want me to forgive and stay and work on our marriage?
Lee Ann, That’s such a hard question. I’d say yes in some cases and no in others. I’d really recommend finding someone wise to talk to that you can walk through this with. Prayers for you!
Im also finding it very hard to let go of the anger i have . My husband has disrespected me in front of our nanny. he shouted me like i was brainless. communication has not been well at all. i just feel i’ve had enougj and i cannot do this anymore. but what about my son or the promise i made to God. im really confused and very angry.
Every time one of my husband friends come over and sit for awhile. Then one of them said man you want to ride with me this and there he will hurry up and do that, but if i ask him to do something for me i have to frequently ask him over and over again. When he do it for me or take me somewhere he always get a attitude or either say you should call one of your family members to do it for you i’m busy, you in the way im working and he will constantly go on and on with the same thing. It’s really annoying. It’s like he don’t love me no more like he don’t spend no more quality time with me or the kids. He’s always with his friends but on the other hand he disrespect me call me all sorts of names in front of them. I wish he felt the way he makes me feel but i guess not. Can you tell me what do i need to do before it gets any worse or i tell him its over i’m done with it.
Hi. I’m struggling to forgive my husband once and for all. He is a very critical person, negative and angry. After 15 years I am so tired of put downs and reminders that I’m doing things wrong. I’ve recently had a baby and am breastfeeding so sex has been non existent. I just can’t bring myself to do it when inside I feel used and walked over all the time. He always apologized for getting mad, but this is a several times a week thing. He does pay me some complements from time to time, and says he cares for me, but my heart hurts and I don’t believe him anymore. Now I am angry, and have told him that he better get his anger under control if he wants me to stick around. He’s turned it on me that we never have sex, I don’t initiate or get creative in bed. We’re stuck. I desperately want to feel like he cares about me, he wants sex.
Any tips on how to help me get past this. Do I really just have to initiate sex even though it makes me feel even more used? I’m really struggling to forgive him.
Back story: he grew up with a father who was verbally and emotionally abusive. Right now my husband is still struggling to make sense of his past, struggling to understand who God is. He’s had a lot of past hurts. i feel like I do my best to help him over the years, but he doesn’t seem to listen to my advice. And now I’m just tired.
Hello, I am stuck in a situation in which I need help. My husband and I have both done wrong in our marriage. Concerning what I did to him I have prayed, repented, and I apologized and asked my husband to forgive me also. What he did to me I have forgiven him and I haven’t spoken of the situations anymore. There are still some wrongdoings being committed in the marriage by my husband and he refuses to stop because of the wrongdoing that I did because he doesn’t have a name. I feel that if I have asked for God’s forgiveness and apologized to my husband then he should not hold my faults over my head. Especially when I still don’t have answers or the truth about thing(s) he has done to me, but I have forgiven him and moved on. What should I do?????
Pamela, that’s a really hard problem, but no intimacy will ever be attained again if you are still lying to each other. I think you do need to sit down and talk this through and commit to being true to each other, and if you can’t do that with him, perhaps you need a third party to listen as well? But you really can’t move forward if one or both of you are still doing harmful things to the marriage.
What if my husband cheated emotionally by sexting with multiple women and even though he has been ‘good’ since last October, he still exhibits similar behavior as before? Is it unrealistic to ask him to remove the female friends in his life that don’t respect our marriage by inviting only him out for “drinks and catching up” and making no attempt to befriend me? He says I’m crazy to expect that, but then, we have a double standard.
Whats the six week challenge?
Should you forgive your husband when he is truly not sorry? He enjoys saying sorry so he can use you again and again for his own lustful pleasures. Hmm. Why dont we talk about that awhile? maybe then others would take us seriously. Maybe Someone Prays for the Orphans and the Widows in distress? I Hope so. But do we pretend to know who they are ? or that they don’t exist. Many so called Christians say we should continue to forgive that one who the Holy Spirit knows is NOT [email protected]! check it! amen
Righteous anger friends.
My husband was texting a younger, former coworker everyday. It seems started out just once in awile, but then it was mondane stuff throughout the day cause he was “bored.” I finally confronted him and asked him to stop. He has not contacted her at all but seems mad cause I asked him to stop. There was nothing sexual so he seems to think there was nothing wrong, but did stop cause it upset me so much. I just cant seem to let it go and keep dwelling on why he felt the need to do that…we have married and together 35 years. I am just so hurt but really want to move forward but my trust has been wounded…
Married for 6yrs but my husband has the habit of lying to my face. He’s had a thing going with his coworker, emotionally…i think so…physically not that i know of… Ive asked him but he denies it…phone records show and red flag on putting security locks on his phone. Lying to my face started then… Now… He’s in training… He knows how i feel about strip clubs… Lied about goin there… Stated he ddnt do anything but hung out with his friends… Then lied about it again… I know hes lying because of google tracking (im pretty tech savvy). I asked him and he denied it. Wth?! Im hurt more due to the fact that he lied to my face. Am i not worth the truth? How do i interact daily with this man i cant trust? its painful & awkward to live our days like im not affected. How do I deal?
Hello,
I am gonna try this for the next couple of weeks. I cannot lie my heart aches so much behind his lies and it has been hard but after reading this I will try
I’ve lied and cheated. I gave up my first marriage because of it. I say gave up because she had forgiven me and was trying to move on with our relationship, but I was too selfish to recognize the gift that truly was. I don’t believe I could have ever comprehended what I really did until it happened to me.
I remarried and just five short months later my new wife cheated on me. I was allowed to experience the pain I had caused. I got to hear all the lies I told. I learned what it felt like to be constantly suspicious and obsessive. Tracking her phone, reading her email and text messages, checking the phone bill every day, sometimes several times a day. I also learned what I’m sure I taught my ex-wife. Monitoring a cheating spouse doesn’t make them want to stop. It just teaches them to be more devious.
I’d like to tell you all the horrible lies my wife has told me and the insane justifications for the deplorable behavior, but the fact of the matter is even though it still hurts almost a full year after the first time I found out about her infidelity, I wouldn’t trade the experience. I was incapable of understanding what I had done until I experienced it from the other side.
I’m still working on actual forgiveness. I think about it daily. I have multiple well known triggers and am still learning of new ones. I’ve finally grown enough that I can usually stop that thought and redirect. I monitor her much less frequently. I recognize that it makes me feel crazy, and I’ve caught, confronted and she admitted to another affair. She lied and tried to cover it up again, just like I did.
I’m getting to the point I just don’t see the point of it all. Either I commit to love this woman with all of her flaws and accept what that means including her occasional infidelity, or I move on. Maybe if I was morally superior the decision would be easy. I was told by my therapist when I first found out that it would take at least two years to be able to really forgive. It’s been almost a year.
I think about divorcing her at least once a day, but she has been a great step mother to my teen daughter and they seem to have a great relationship. I’m exhausted by my selfishness. I am to the point that I don’t want to cause my daughter any more pain because she is really the only one that is innocent in all of this.
So, I’m doing my best to forgive and forget or at least redirect my thoughts. I try not to be suspicious, but sometimes I fail at that too. I’m living life a day at a time and trying to learn the lessons I need to learn.
I wish everyone blessings in their journey and hope my experience gives someone a little comfort.
Allen, thank you for sharing that! It’s very real, and I’m sure it will help many.
Shiela thank you for the article. My husband cheated on me with a relative whom we used to stay with. l was broken to say the least. Its been two years now but he does not apologise and he blames me for it. l forgive but my heart is sore. how do we move on in such a situation? We are both Christians.
Honestly, Miranda, if he hasn’t apologized, then I don’t think you can move on until you’ve really dealt with the reality of the situation. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Is there someone you can talk to who can sit down with both of you and pray through this and give wise counsel?
Hello Sheila,
My husband of 12yrs has been cheating on me since December of 2010 and out of his infidelity there has been 2 children with 2 different women who live abroad. When I first heard of it, he denied and then apologized and later blamed it on me. I had a hysterectomy in 2010 and he always wanted many children. We have 2 amazing boys. When I met my husband he was a Christian and life was very nice. He travels every year to go see these other children and he insists that I should accept them in our lives because it is my fault that he committed adultery in search for more children. Last year we were separated for 8 months after I realized of the second child he got. He asked for forgiveness and I have been forgiving each time but he keeps doing the same things again. He lies to me in order to escape and go be with the other women and he spends a lot of money to travel. When I ask for anything for our 2 boys, he says he has no money. Early this year I proposed that we go on vacation together with the kids which he turned down saying he was broke. When me and the boys left for vacation he left to go see his mistresses and children and lied to me that he was going to attend a wedding in Canada. I feel like I am in a bondage in this relationship. He is not remorseful even after I confront him about it he plays the victim and accuses me of being selfish. He is very arrogant and he never spend any time with us. He never communicate with the children when we have a difference. He has never been there for any of their activities because he has to work 7days a week and when he gets a vacation he leaves the country. I know the word of God requires me to forgive but how do I keep on forgiving someone who keeps scratching the healing wound to bleed again? I feel like it is time for me to let go but am worried for my children because they do not know anything though he has told them about their siblings. I want to forgive him and move on but i do not know how. Please advice.
Hi Sheila,
The husband and j have been struggling through this for a while now. But recently after a six month (that I know of) porn free streak, he got deployed again. And he went straight back to it that very night he got overseas. He lied about it RELIGIOUSLY for 4 weeks until I had an itch to check his Google history. Where I found ALLLL the really gross stuff he looked at. And for those 4 weeks he was SO emotionally abusive to me. He made up a story as to why his covenant eyes shut off his phone (even though he reset it I found out later). And he said “I had a dream about porn and woke up turned on but I didn’t do anything. I just went back to sleep. But I woke up when I heard my phone make a popping noise….” And on goes the bull crap lie. But I believed him because I’ve been working on trying to trust him through all this.
When I started getting that gut feeling something was wrong, he didn’t want to get off with me sexually over Skype at ALL! I asked him what really happened. And what was going on.
To which I was YELLED at saying “Michelle there’s something wrong with you if you can’t even go a week without getting off!” “Stop pressuring me!” “Get control of yourself” “I don’t want to be with a wife like you who doesn’t trust me!!”
(saying ALL these things while 7 months pregnant with our first child; a little girl)
And he kept saying things about my OCD and how it was unbearable to be with me etc.
when ALL I WANTED was the truth! So I kept asking and asking and asking. He gives himself away every time with his erratic, distant, non sexual behavior towards me.
Until that day I looked up his history and it all made sense.
The difference is I’ve always told him I’ll be angry if he relapses but it’s far better to tell me the truth than lie to me! Because along with those lies he’s also emotionally abusive after a relapse. (And I’m not kind with what I have to say after taking all of his Awful talk towards me. I’ll fight fire with fire).
He been able in the past to tell me when images and videos flash into his mind, while we are having sex (I HATE THAT), or during the day when he has strong urges to get off to porn, and I’m calm and collected when we discuss this. Because he is coming to me about it. But I can’t take the relapses. And I can’t take the lies
ESPECIALLY being pregnant!
To me….it shows a lack of truly wanting to change when you lie for so long and make your wife feel like crap in the process. Misplacing all your anger into her.
He’s was a drug addict in his teen years and still struggles with alcoholism. So I know I married an addict. But he was VERY good at pretending porn wasn’t s problem.
He watched it and got off to it a day before our wedding and he SWORE (up until a week ago) that the last time he had watched it was a month before our wedding.
Why come 50% clean about something when you’re trying to tell the truth. Be 100% honest. This is something he can’t do until I ask VERY SPECIFIC questions which then I get yelled at for and he blames it on my OCD!
Sure it’s partly that. But I want the dang truth about everything!
I’m so irritated and hurt. And he is seeing the chaplain once every three weeks and we got an iPhone instead of android for covenant eyes, because it’s harder to get around it on a iPhone.
Prayers please.
Michelle, that’s so hard, especially with him being deployed and you being pregnant.
I think focusing on the secrecy rather than the porn is the main thing here. Saying something like, “We can battle the porn together. We can battle ANYTHING together. But we can’t battle it if I don’t know about it. We need to be honest with each other.”
I’m glad he’s going to see the chaplain. If there’s any way he could go more frequently than once every three weeks that would likely be a good idea.
And I hope that you get some support on your end, especially with you being so close to delivery. Reach out to your church or to some friends and just ask for prayer and for help, and keep seeing people in real life.
Blessings to you, and prayers to keep your husband safe and for a safe delivery,
Sheila
Hello,
My husband and I have been married for 17 years. I recently found out that he not only cheated but has a child from his infedelity. How can u forgive him and stop being angry?
That’s so, so hard! It’s hard because that child will always be a part of his life (and SHOULD be a part of his life. Your husband needs to do right by that child). I read a great novel by Karen Kingsbury called Oceans Apart about this once. Sometimes there really is enough love in the heart, even for the child. If your husband is truly sorry and truly committed, then it’s a choice you have to make: can you move forward or not? There isn’t an easy answer, except to realize that our God is the God of forgiveness, and when we choose to forgive, He really does help us.
Hello, Sheila!
i am a doctor and my wife is a midwife. we are missionaries in the Philippines. i love my wife so much and i want to be better in leading her and leading our family together. i am always thankful for God’s strength that we can do what we do and even did as i look back. but i cannot help but be sad as i seem to not be doing much in growing our intimacy as husband and wife. i believe God has brought us together. When people see us and read about us they are encouraged. what they do not know is i am struggling with the fact that my wife says we need to grow in intimacy. she is a very forgiving person and she would tell me how she has forgiven me for how i have failed honoring her many times, sometimes even when i was blind to the sin i was committing. then my eyes would be opened to my faults and i would repent. lately i was made aware of committing something that I think was similar to your experience with your husband. on top of managing clinics i was on call 24 hours and lead fellowships through out the week, in 2014 my wife gave birth to our youngest of three. I was doing all I can to attend to every need. I remember being thankful for God’s Grace as I could not do everything I was doing without His Power. A friend was attending to my wife when my wife suddenly felt difficulty breathing and fear of imminent death. We were having our team fellowship at that time. I went to see her and I remember going back to leading our fellowship worship. I was trusting God that everything will be alright. I was unaware of my wife’s serious condition. I agreed to have my wife brought to the hospital after another doctor present at the time considered having her seen at the hospital. I knew we are always under spiritual attacks. This time there was also a medical problem I knew I was not trained enough to help treat. I have sutured a serious cut on my wife, help deliver our babies, etc but I know when to defer to specialists. My wife almost unconscious I drove her to the nearest hospital where she was diagnosed possible clots in her lungs and brain. She had Anti-phospholipid Antibody Syndrome. My wife remembers that incident as a time when she felt I did not care for her. At first I did not see my fault. But I know now. I have repented and asked for forgiveness. She said she forgave me. My concern is until now she says she has not healed from that time. i was just wondering how you were able to heal from your husband prioritizing the sump pump over you?
Hi there! It sounds like you just have such a high stress life with everything that you do. And your wife is likely under a lot of stress as well.
I actually understand what she means about having forgiven you but having not healed. They can be two very different things. She may have chosen to forgive, but at the same time, that abandonment that she felt at that deeply scary time may have really triggered something in her. It sounds like you both could really benefit from sitting down with a counselor and talking through these issues and trying to figure out how to prioritize your marriage in the middle of a really high stress, high demand ministry. You don’t want to pour out your life for the mission and then find you have nothing of your marriage left. So I’d take some time and give the marriage what it needs right now, even if that seems impossible. I don’t know what that will look like, but I know some missions have marriage counselling times where everybody can meet in Frankfurt for a retreat or something and several counsellors are there. Maybe find out if there is some way that you can work on yourselves before you try to give to everyone else, because she does likely need some emotional healing, and you guys need to learn how to communicate and how to feed your relationship first.
Many blessings and prayers to you. I know you’re doing kingdom work and it seems you’re stretched so thin. I hope you find a solution!
I have always felt, that the only way of knowing you have truly let go of something is if you can look back at your past and say I don’t feel any emotion toward it anymore as it is the past and I got somewhere and learned something because of it. If you still find unhappy thoughts looking back into the past, you know you’re still harbouring onto those old emotions.
I don’t know if I agree about not letting yourself think about it anymore. There’s definitely a point at which it becomes resentment and unhelpful–but there’s also a place for giving yourself time to heal that requires acknowledging that things get hurt, and the hurt doesn’t vanish just because you decided to forgive.
Even though my husband won’t let me take blame on myself for the problems that happened in our marriage, there was a factor in which I was working so hard to suppress anything negative to be the “good Christian wife” that I wasn’t ever really honest with him about how I was feeling–until it came out in an explosion, which only built higher walls between us. For us, part of healing is being really, really honest about negative feelings.
I try to be honest but not blaming, because he can’t change the past now, but we can make new patterns.
“Hey, I saw something today that reminded me of ____________. I felt bad.”
Him: “I know you feel bad about it. I’m really sorry. You have every right to be angry.”
Me: “I know. But I’m glad we’re not there anymore. Thank you for caring.”
I am presently going through a hard time with my husband. I got pregnant while we were dating and got married a week after our daughter was born. Our daughter just turned one but I can say this one year with him had been the worst I’ve had to deal with emotional hurt and disappointment in my entire life. I sometimes feel as though I shouldn’t have married him. He has cheated over 5 times and each of those times, i got so heartbroken but he wouldn’t see it as a big deal. He’s also addicted to porn (which I’m so scared with the fact that there’s a baby in the house). I tried to let go of the past and forget but each time he cheats again, it opens up the previous wounds and hurts more than anything. Also, he compares me to his mother and ask that i do things just like her but i made him understand I am not the same as his mom. He complains about everything I do. I speak so highly of him to his family and friends at all times so nobody gets an idea of what is going on but his sister knows. I reported him to his mom about two cheating cases but she told me patience and perseverance is the only way to stay in a marriage. I think nobody understand how i feel or how hard I’m trying. He doesn’t care what i feel and never feel remorseful for any of his acts. I hate that he sees no big deal when I find out he has cheated again but rather he becomes defensive and tries to rub it in my face. This is affecting everything that I do. I thought about divorce but I’m scared my family will be heartbroken because no one has ever been through a divorce and my background frowns at it. My parents have no idea what is going on but they ask me if I’m okay because I’ve been loosing so much weight and concentration lately. I just pretend i am and claim it’s just stress from working two jobs and going to school full time. I want to be free from all these hurt but it’s just too hard. I feel lost around him and don’t feel connected even when we make love (I just want it to be over because i picture him on making love to some other woman and scared to catch an infection from him). We’re more like just housemates who share the same bed. He also tells people via chat that he is not happy in this marriage and that he was forced. I’ve asked him and he just says he didn’t mean it. All of his actions indicates that he’s not into this marriage. I’m confused… Should I ignore what people will say and get a divorce which I think might be best at this point? Thanks.
oh, I’m so sorry! This is truly terrible. It sounds like you’ve got a really tough situation, and you really need some help to get through it. You simply can’t tolerate cheating and porn. It will destroy you and it will destroy your marriage. I’d recommend reading Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It’s all about how to set up appropriate boundaries in marriage and start saying, “no more of this.” And then it’s about getting strong yourself so that you can accept whatever happens, and be okay through it. It’s a great book.
Hi Sheila, I have been struggling with forgiving my husband. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. How do you forgive someone who 1. Isn’t truly sorry and 2. Continues to do the things he says he’s sorry for? My husband lies to me and hides things from me on a nearly daily basis and he has a pornography addiction. He tells me to quit nagging him and quit bringing up the past but it’s not in the past if it is an ongoing present issue. This is destroying me and our marriage. We have been going to counseling but it’s not helping as I really don’t feel my husband wants to change. He just wants me and the counselor to believe that he wants to change. Things have gotten so bad. This is affecting our daily lives. I don’t know how to make it through a day without being angry and resentful at my husband knowing that he is lying to me and looking at porn, all the while promising me that he isn’t.
I’m Abigail ,I have been married for two years. I’m doing a top up program , anytime I come home for some holidays my husband quarrels with me and at times insults me. I don’t know wat to do anymore, pls tell me what I should do.
I also am having an extremely hard time forgiving and forgetting. My husband and I separated he says it was my fault I was so busy working he was a stay at home dad. he went back to school and I found out the months we were separated he was living with a 22 year old class mate that was in his study group. my husband is 40 he could be her dad, he came back after 6 months. he has shown regret and apologizes everyday he said he loves me and he should have never done this he has prayed asking for forgiveness and wants a better and stronger relationship as husband and wife and with God. I see him changing but I see him with her & cant trust and get sick just thinking of it. Please help I feel so angry I cant seem to let go! please any advise. I feel I might end it because I cant get it out of my head but I love my husband. I feel so confused. we have been together 12 years married for 7years.
I first want to say that I truly appreciate this website. Much of the advise if derived properly from scripture, good reason/understanding and in general agreement with professional counseling advice. However, as a wife who understands what it is to forgive in areas that require great time, trust and rebuilding, I want to say that Forgiving does NOT equal instantly forgetting. Yes, God forgives our sins and forgets them. We are not God, though we should strive to follow His example. Christian counselors will be very clear that forgiveness and forgetting are two separate things. They do not go instantaneously hand-in-and. Often, forgiveness precedes the later. It is a process. It is a choice and we must choose to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ while at the same time realizing that it is not sinful to need time to work through feelings of difficulty when reminders come up; when feelings resurface in relation to connected offenses, etc. It is healthy to express your feelings and bring these things up in discussion to work through them. The husband/wife needs to be compassionate, empathetic and open to this process. He/she needs to be confronted with the feelings of the husband/wife and he needs to rebuild is relationship by being there emotionally to regain stability in the relationship. In situations with years of lies, manipulation and even lying while in therapy it will take a great deal of time, much listening and understanding. While a person is wounded and feeling insecure in trusting someone who has violated that foundational structure of a relationship, they will struggle to discern while they navigate how to live with someone they no longer trust. Reminders will appear and resurrect those feelings of doubt. A husband/wife SHOULD be talking about this with the husband/wife so that he/she can minister to his/her needs. That does not mean that by bringing it up that they have not forgiven. It may indicate they are still hurting and trying to recover. Truthfully, do you ever completely forget the sufferings of life? I think that if the advise given was to suggest that by forgiving a person of the offense/hurt/sin they committed meant that the offense was completely forgotten or capable of being completely forgotten and therefore never to be brought up again would not be reasonable, biblical or therapeutic.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I love your articles. I just got married 6 months ago and although I can’t be a perfect wife, it’s my desire to be as close to perfect as possible. Reading your articles will definitely help me get there. Thank you Sheila and be blessed.
I’m feeling really desperate right now. Before I met my husband, I was in a dating relationship with a guy for a year and a half. I broke up with him because he was having affairs with several other women at the same time. This was very hurtful and only added to me already low self esteem. Fast forward 5 years I met and married my now husband and we’ve been married a little over 11 years. I remember saying at a small group Bible study about marriage that if my husband ever cheated on me–physically or emotionally–I would never recover due to things from my past and my horribly low self esteem. Another guy at that meeting said ,”yes you would” and my husband was saying that he agreed with me and he knew how damaging an affair of any kind would be to me because of how fragile my esteem was at that time.
A year or two into our marriage, I discovered he was looking at porn. He knew how damaging this would be to me. I confronted him and he said he was sorry and I believed him. He even cried and asked my forgiveness. I forgave him and it took all i had to move past his, but i did and i know i genuinely forgave him. Since then, I have discovered that he was looking at porn at least two other times…( i know that these are only the times I’ve “caught” him, the times he forgot to clear the history). In the past few years I’ve noticed that we now have a “private window” on our computer where nothing is stored in the History or no cookies are saved.
When I confronted him any of the other times I discovered he was viewing porn his reaction was so different from the first time. He didn’t seem very remorseful, he basically put it all on me to forgive him because that is what living the Christian life is all about. I know that living the Christian life is about forgiving, but it is also about being a faithful husband too.
I don’t trust him and I don’t know how to forgive him. I love him with all my being, but I hate him at the same time. This has caused my self esteem to plummet. I can barely stand to look at my face in the mirror. Some days I just want to die…
I want to forgive him, I want to not have this bitterness in my heart, but I don’t know how.
I know that porn is not the worst thing he could have done, but it is what it is…i’m crushed and horribly depressed and I don’t know what to do.
Any advice or encouragement is greatly appreciated.
This post was a last ditch effort for me…
Moderator, you may take it down now, I’m done.
How do you know their apology is sincere or not when you keep finding lies and holes in all their stories? This is my second go round with the same problems with him. This time it went on for years instead of months. I want to forgive him but I’m afraid. I feel broken this time. We set boundaries last time and he broke all of them. He only apologized after I caught him. He never comes clean on his own.
Angela, that’s a very difficult situation, and I’d really suggest walking through it with a counsellor or a third party that can help you.
The key to whether an apology is sincere or not is this one: Are they changing just so that they can get the relationship back, or are they changing because they truly believe it is wrong, they regret it, and they want to live differently? In other words, are they changing just to make you be quiet and put it all behind you, or are they changing because they are committed to doing life differently (that’s called repentance)? If they really recognize the severity of what they did, they will be willing to rebuild slowly. If they’re pushing you to forgive and to forget, then I would question if they really understand the severity of what they did.
But hopefully a counsellor could help you navigate this, because it is difficult. I’m so sorry!
What do you do when you feel like that’s all you do is keep forgiving? Do you just keep forgiving and go on or is it does it make you a bad person to decide enough is enough?
I’ve caught my husband talking to and flirting with a few women. Recently i found out he initiated conversation with one of them again. I didn’t even confront him about it this time. Im finding it harder and harder to even like him as a person. He lies to me a lot and apparantly has no conscience because he always tells me i have nothing to worry about.
I guess a part of me thinks this is the best I can do. This has taken a toll on my already low self esteem. I’m more disappointed in myself because the more i think back, the more i realize our relationship has always been about him.
I look at blogs like this and i try to think of ways I can be a better person but somehow, no matter what i try things just don’t work out for me.
Hi there–I’m glad you asked. And let me just say, this is NOT a question of you becoming a nicer person. This is a question of you deciding to be GOOD. And that’s not necessarily the same thing as being nice. A good person will not tolerate a husband who is consistently flirting with breaking his marriage vows, because she knows that not only will this wreck the marriage, this will also wreck his soul. A good person decides what she can or can’t tolerate. Your problem is NOT that you’re not nice enough. Sometimes instead it’s that we have to learn to set clear boundaries that work. I know that’s really difficult, but I’d really advise that you read my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which takes a different look at how to handle these things than perhaps we’ve usually heard. You can do this!