Raising Christian children–that’s not the hard part. It’s raising Christian children that will grow into Christian adults that’s the challenge.
It’s probably the prayer Christian parents pray the most: “Please, God, help my child to grow up to love you.” Sure, we want our kids to get a good job, a good spouse, a good home. But mostly we just want them to follow God. We want to raise Christian children.
And yet all too many of my friends and acquaintances with kids who are now young adults spend their evenings checking out their children on Facebook, looking at pictures of drinking binges or statuses that they wouldn’t even recognize as their own kids, now that those kids have left for college.
These kids who used to go to youth group, and who used to seem so innocent, aren’t seeking out a church. They’re not finding Christian friends. Instead, they’re letting other kids pull them down.
That’s not unusual. In fact, that’s par for the course today.
Most teens raised in a Christian home will not go on to live as Christians themselves when they’re adults.
That’s the awful truth. I’ve seen statistics that say only about 18% of churched kids who went to public schools will still love God as an adult.
So what goes into raising Christian children?
I’ve spent the weekend talking to a couple of moms who are going through just this with their kids (isn’t it amazing how Facebook lets us keep track of our kids like that?), and I don’t have any real wisdom for them. I don’t know what to do when a teen goes off the rails and starts to make poor choices. The only thing I can think of to share is how to lay a good foundation. So whether your kids are 5 or 15, these are good things to start looking at now:
1. Think hard before you let your child go to public high school
I know many of you don’t have a choice about schooling because you don’t have the money for a Christian/private school, and homeschooling is not an option. But before you absolutely decide this, really pray about it. The rates of kids who stay in the church are much higher for homeschoolers and Christian schooled kids, and it’s not just because kids get into trouble in public high school. Most of them don’t. It’s something far more fundamental: they start choosing their closest peers from outside of the church. And once they do that, church starts to seem irrelevant.
If your child has to go to public high school, that’s okay. For some kids, public high school is a great experience, and Christian schools do not cure everything. It’s just that statistically, public high schooled kids do far worse when it comes to staying in the faith than do other kids. So please, think about these next points even more then:
2. If you want to raise Christian children, then make church a huge priority
Never skip church as a family. Ever. I know that sounds radical, but if you want your child to take God seriously as an adult, you have to model it. If you skip church, you give the impression that it is optional, and if it’s optional, your child likely won’t go.
I see so many parents of teens that I know only coming to church sporadically, but then they wonder why their kids date non-Christians, or don’t seem to want to be involved in the youth group or help in Sunday School. It’s because you haven’t modeled it as a family! So find a church where your kids can both help out and be ministered to themselves, and then keep going. Don’t slack off. Make it a major part of your family’s life. Serve there yourself! And then your kids will be more likely to stay plugged in.
If your child is involved in sports, do not go to games on Sundays. Take them out of sports if you have to. If you go to sports events on Sundays, even if you’re totally and firmly committed to God yourself, you tell your child, “church is secondary.” Is that what you want them to think?
Now, I also know many families who don’t go to church often but who are Christian. They do church “at home”. I respect their faith, I really do, and I certainly believe that they are still saved and even still have a great relationship with God.
But nevertheless, I think this is a mistake. The implication that you’re teaching your kids is, “you can be a Christian all on your own in your home”. What’s to stop them, then, as adults, from saying, “I don’t need to go to church to be a Christian. I can sleep in on Sundays and still be fine.”
You certainly don’t need to go to church to be a Christian, but the repercussions for not going to church are much greater on a young person than they are on someone in their forties who already has his or her devotions established and who has a whole history of walking with God. When you’re an adult, and you’ve already met your spouse, and you’re already on course, it’s one thing. When you’re young, and you’re still trying to figure out who you are, you really need that accountability and reminder of who God is. Make sure your children think of church as an integral part of their lives.
3. Encourage your children’s deepest friendships to be Christian
Part of raising Christian children is teaching them to identify, first and foremost, as Christians, and a large part of that is raising them to seek out other Christians as friends. In fact, this is probably the most important point, and the reason that so many Christian teens end up leaving the faith when they get to college. If kids’ deepest friendships aren’t with Christians, then God will diminish in importance in their lives. Make sure your children are always surrounded by Christian peers first. When our deepest friendships are Christian, then we’re far more likely to stay in the faith.
That means that you have to be involved in a good youth group, and if that’s not an option where you live, start one yourself. If your child doesn’t know a lot of Christian teens, invite families in for dinner. Cultivate those friendships. But raise your child so that it’s natural that they should look to other Christians for support and friendship first.
That’s not to say that they shouldn’t have non-Christian friends; we all need to be involved in the world. But too many people use this as an excuse to not have Christian friends. “I’m just witnessing!”, they say, but then pretty soon they’re hardly hanging out with Christians at all. One of the primary reasons we need church is for fellowship. If they don’t think they need that fellowship, they won’t go. It’s that simple.
So don’t let your child date anyone who isn’t a Christian. If their best friends aren’t Christians, switch youth groups and try to find another source of Christian friends for them. And you yourself should model the importance of Christian friends by having them yourself.
Keep in mind that the danger is not just that your child will become involved with non-Christians and thus start drinking or doing things you’d rather they not. I’ve seen Christian teens become immersed with very upstanding citizens who aren’t Christian, and that was part of the problem. They knew so many kids who were “good” who didn’t go to church that they started to suspect that you didn’t need to go to church to be good (which of course you don’t). And then church became superfluous.
The reason we need Christian friends is not because only Christians are good; the reason we need Christian friends is to help hold us accountable and help us grow in our faith. If our kids don’t see the need for that, then it will be harder for them to choose to belong to a solid Christian community when they’re older.
4. Make Faith Natural
All of this hinges, of course, on making faith natural in your home so that your kids know it’s not that you’re worried that they won’t be “good”, it’s that you want them to actually believe. Pray over problems. Talk about God. Don’t keep God just for Sundays. Many of us aren’t comfortable praying out loud, or praying spontaneously, but whenever something comes up in the family, stop and pray. Ask what God would think. Read your Bible together. Memorize verses together! Share with the kids the things that you’re struggling with and praying about. Tell them what God is teaching you. Just make God real. Raising Christian kids means raising kids who see God in the everyday things you do; it does not mean simply making sure they don’t drink or do drugs or have sex. Sometimes I think we emphasize the outward actions far more than the inward character.
I actually don’t think rules are all that important–and in fact they can backfire. If you try to control your teenagers, they won’t establish their faith for themselves. It’s far more important to simply TALK about different things, and listen to their opinions, and come to an agreement together, rather than telling them what to think. When faith is natural and when you can talk, it’s very likely they’ll come to the right heart decision anyway.
So serve together. Volunteer at a food bank. Go on family missions trips. Teach Sunday School together. Just do things together so that your child realizes serving is a natural extension of the Christian life. When you serve, they will experience God in a new way. And those experiences with God are so important.
If faith is a natural part of your family life, your kids will see it’s more than church. And then they’re more likely to stick with it.
5. Be Proactive in Finding Christians on Campus
Finally, if your child is going off to a secular college, or moving to another city, help that child find a church or a Christian group on campus. Don’t leave it for your child to do. Get on the internet and investigate before they go so that they know how to get plugged in.
A teen who finds the Christian group on campus in the first week is far more likely to make their first friends from that group than a teen who waits a few months. It’s important, far more important than what courses they’re taking or what college they choose. So don’t let this one go.
Last year one of my young friends, Kaia, went off to university in a town about 3 hours from where we lived. I went on Facebook and found the meeting times and locations for all three Christian groups on campus and sent them to her. She came up to me at Christmas (a year and a half later) to thank me. She wasn’t sure she was going to go, but when she got my Facebook message she looked up the groups and went to one. Today she’s living with two other Christian girls from that group and she’s a leader. Woo hoo! She found great peers who are Christian, and she’s very plugged in to the Christian community now.
Those are my thoughts on raising Christian kids who will stay in the faith. Right now I’m living with a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old who each do have deep faith, and I’m so grateful. But I still plan on doing all of these things to make sure that faith carries them through. It’s my primarily responsibility.
(Update: I wrote this post a while ago, and my 15-year-old is now 19. Here’s a blog post she wrote that sums up her own thoughts on God and kids’ purpose. And here’s one she wrote on why she didn’t rebel as a teen!).
Maybe your children aren’t that old yet, but many of these things you can put into place now. Pray as a family. Put a priority on church. Make sure they have Christian friends. Do those things, and your kids are more likely to seek out those friends when they’re on their own. Of course there are no guarantees; everyone is responsible for themselves, and everyone will ultimately make their own choice. Should your child choose to walk away from God, it should not reflect on you, as I wrote in this post on prodigals and tragedies. Yet nevertheless, as parents, we should still do what we can to make it more likely our kids will know God, even if we can never be 100% sure. That’s a parent’s job.
UPDATE: As was mentioned in the comments, I left out PRAY! Duh! Of course we need to pray for our kids. I guess the reason that I left it out (if I can offer any kind of an excuse for that) is that for many parents that seems to be the ONLY thing they do. They pray, but then they leave it up to God. They’re not proactive in these other areas. So perhaps I should say this: Pray first, but then make sure you DO something within your family, too. Take the responsibility that God has given you!
What do you think? Any advice? Have you gone through this? Do you have a child who can’t make Christian friends? Let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Great post Sheila!!! You are right on the mark here.What a great start for a Monday morning. 🙂
I have a 19 yr. old son and 3 daughters- 17, 15, and 12. My only addition would be PRAY, and pray, and then pray some more. We must be on our knees for our kids. I have seen the the Lord do amazing things in my children's lives- esp. when all I could do is pray.
God is so faithful! If our kids have given their hearts to the Lord when they were young, God is faithful to never let them go and to draw them back.
Your suggestions are about a lifestyle – living out what we believe in a way that surrounds our kids with godly protection.
Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂
I was born and raised Catholic and left the faith when I turned 18. Now I’m 41 with a 13 year old daughter who did her homework on being christian and also decided not to follow the faith and I’m fine with that. We don’t need jesus to lead us down the right path just common sense.
>I'd like to hear the statistics on "homeschool" versus "public school" kids and church attendance? I hadn't hear that it's different at all.
In “Home Educated and Now Adults”, Brian Ray shares the statistics and if I remember correctly, over 90% (and I think I am low-balling that) of adult homeschool graduates were still in the faith and still attending church.
This is a sharp contrast to the stats in “Already Gone” which states that there is no difference. If you look over those stats, he was only polling from a very small pool of homeschoolers (and I think his conclusions were wrong anyway. Looking at the actual poll results, it seemed like the biggest reasons for children leaving church was parent or church hypocrisy.)
>I don't think #5 is very realistic. If a child is going away to school, there's only so much a parent can do (that said, I know several people, including my sister, my best friend, and my husband who became active in campus groups with no prompting from parents).
Nurse Bee
I believe a Christian is someone who tries to follow the teachings of Jesus .Jesus taught about love and love for everyone .He was inclusive and taught that people should be brave with love (remember the good samaritan or the unpopular tax collector, Zaccheaus). I don’t believe for one second he would advocate only Christian friends . He loved everyone without boundary . I found myself frowning and puzzled reading the original post . Study Jesus’ teachings , strip away the centuries of cultural dogma and look at Jesus himself . ‘The greatest of these is love’ …for everyone. God bless us one and all and may we all understand one day and find peace xxxx
I totally agree that we should have some non-Christian friends. But our closest friends should always be Christian, just like our spouse should be. And doesn’t that make sense? If Jesus is the most important thing in your life, then shouldn’t you naturally gravitate to other people who share that? Not exclusively, but your confidantes, your best buddies, should be Christian. That’s what the Bible counsels, too. And Jesus even modelled this! He ate with “tax collectors and sinners”, but surrounded himself with friends who were honestly trying to follow God. He had both, but his closest friends were always believers.
Wow, I would say it is laughable, but it’s truly not funny, but rather sad, how many people are so misinformed about Homeschooling on this blog. All of the negative responses seem to be coming from the stereo typical generalizations about Homeschooler’s.
My wife and I are both public school teachers for many years, my wife taught high school English for 15 years before becoming a homeschool mom, and I still teach now also about 15 years, currently as a K – 12 public school resource teacher.
When both of us, as public school teachers, were contemplating how to raise and educate our own children, we explored all the options. At first I felt it was a no brainer, I was teaching elementary school, and my wife was teaching high school, so we figured we would just follow them through their education in the schools where we worked ( I.e. choose their teachers, have a significant influence on their experience at school, etc.).
However, the longer we were involved in public education, the more we have seen the corruption and agenda behind current public education policies, curriculum, administrative decisions, etc. So we started exploring alternative options, considered private school, and eventually began exploring the homeschool movement.
What I discovered among homeschoolers, was the most amazing opportunity for my children to experience a hands-on and open approach to learning, where the sky is the limit to the potential they can reach and achieve, and where like minded parents are the primary influence in our children’s lives.
Far from being sheltered, my children are now excelling, far ahead of their chronological age, academically and socially. They are precocious and gregarious, and nothing like what the skeptics on this blog are describing.
I currently work in a public school that has received federal grants and all the latest and greatest technology from apple corporation (iPad pros for every student, iPads and MacBooks for teachers, Z-space technology, animation lab, robotics, Etc), and I wouldn’t even consider sending my children to the school where I work.
Two reasons: I’m intimately aware of the progressive bias that’s being scaffolded to children from kinder through 12th grade, the social agenda that is prevalent, the limitations of traditional classroom approach to learning, the discrimination against children from conservative and Christian backgrounds, and more. I also know too many families who’ve sent their children to be educated by secularists only to be surprised at the end result.
It’s also naive not to realize that public schools and teachers are dominated by liberal progressive humanism, with a well defined agenda for your children. Further, teachers unions are an extremely powerful influence in politics, and are in the business of turning red states blue. As California teachers, we were required to pay union dues, and they all but forced us to vote for the most extreme leftist politicians.
If you want your children to maintain your culture and faith background, it is your responsibility to cultivate and pass the baton on to them. Expecting your children to be the light in an environment that is biased against their faith and culture, is an entirely unreasonable expectation, especially when they do not have any foundation yet.
There’s not enough room to describe in detail in such a short blog, but suffice it to say that my children, now middle school and elementary age, are absolutely thriving in our vibrant homeschool communities, and I couldn’t be prouder of them and their development. The socialization among our homeschoolers is FAR superior to what I see happened in the public schools where I currently work, even with all the latest and greatest technological advancements. My kids are FAR FROM sheltered, but I don’t expect people that clearly are set in their stereotyped bias and ignorance regarding homeschooling to realize that.
With that being said, I think that most of the defensive reactions comes from a place of knowing deep down, that no one loves any child like that child’s parents, no one is going to have the best interests of a child at heart every day like that child’s parent, and no one can provide the quality of personalized academic support, nurturing, and excellence (especially not in a classroom full of students where conformity is inherent in behavior management) that a parent can provide with daily one to one and small group intervention at home.
At risk of sounding condescending (ike some of the other bloggers on this sight), people really need to get out of their government funded public school bubbles and see what’s happening in the homeschool communities.
My kids are part of Classical Conversations and another more traditional community in our area, and our homeschool experience has been nothing short of mind blowing to me. We have weekly science experiments, weekly fine arts and art projects, performing arts, STEAM projects, Cotillion, dance, etc. Socratic dialog, public speaking, etc. My daughter at 10 years old performed in a full length Shakespearean play, with kids of all ages up to high school, in our homeschool community at no cost to us, because it was let by highly educated moms (many homeschool moms have masters degrees, I find the comments from these yo-yo’s calling homeschoolers sheltered, laughable).
What we are experiencing, my children’s level of confidence and self esteem is so strong, and they are SO socially gregarious, out going, comprehensively educated in all cross curricular subject areas—and most importantly, they are SO Happy!! I see the difference in the way the public school kids are influenced by peer pressures that breaks down their self esteem.
There is no way I would ever put my kids into a public or traditional school, ever!!!!
Yes to all the above comments on home schooling versus public schooling. Former public school teacher here too! And I’m in “Bible belt” Georgia, not California, and yet we’re seeing the same things here too. I have compassion for families who feel that homeschooling is not an option, but I agree with the author and urge you to sincerely pray about it before coming to that conclusion. There are more resources than you think. Certainly God can open doors you couldn’t have expected. The lifetime (even generational!) benefits of homeschooling are tremendous and worth a second look.
>I don't know, Nurse Bee. I think it's unrealistic to assume that just because you identify the groups they will go, but I don't think it's unrealistic to sit down with them in front of a computer a few weeks before they leave for college and research Christian groups on campus and where they meet, or churches with good college & career groups that offer shuttle service. That's not hard to do, and if you send your child with a list of possible churches and directions for where and when the groups on campus meet, it's far more likely they'll go.
You can't guarantee they will, of course, but you can make it more likely. And I think to assume that your children will seek them out, even with all the peer pressure in that first week of university, is unrealistic. Talk about it with them first, and research it first, and it's more likely they'll go.
>I agree, Sheila. I have one away at college- and it is a Bible College at that! And yet, I still ask him where is he going to church, is he getting involved, who are his friends? – I'm not interrogating him or anything, just interested in his life and asking in a hopefully encouraging way because he and I both know these things- church and friends- will bring encouragement into his life and are really important.
Of course, lots of kids go to christian groups on their own too… but I think the point is that we as parents need to stay involved- even when they have left home. Email and facebook are great for this…and of course, texting.
We can't make these decisions for them anymore, but we can still offer the wisdom. College kids don't always ask for your wisdom, but they do call home when they are lonely, depressed, or just worn out and overwhelmed. All the perfect times to point them back to the Lord and how He is waiting to meet their every need. 🙂
>I found the following on the Barna website:
"Just as surprising is the revelation that home school parents are only slightly more likely than other adults to engage in religious activities during the course of a typical week. Home school adults had levels of church attendance, church volunteerism, prayer, Sunday school attendance, and personal devotional times that were statistically indistinguishable from national norms."
http://www.barna.org/barna-update/article/5-barna-update/57-home-school-families-have-different-backgrounds-than-commonly-assumed
>Llama Mama, I think that's a case of comparing apples to oranges. They were looking at all homeschool adults, and didn't focus on Christian ones per se.
If you look at the widest scale studies of Christian homeschoolers in both Canada and the United States, the statistics are upwards of 90% of children who were homeschooled in a Christian environment share their parents' faith. The Fraser Institute in Canada (which is not a religious organization) did a huge study back in 2006 I believe it was which had that statistic, and then Brian Ray did a study in the United States which found virtually the same rates.
It really depends what you're measuring.
>I had been thinking about just this sort of thing this weekend. Here is a post I did on it:
http://lettersfromnebby.wordpress.com/2010/11/30/parenting-lessons-learned-from-diabetes/
The upshot is that we can do our best but the result is in the Lord's hands. And that we need to resit the urge to analyze what went wrong in other families.
>As someone who came to church in college and has watched college Christians ever since, I have a different perspective, perhaps. Don't let your children enter a permanent Christian bubble, homeschool then Christian college then working for a church. We are called to minister to the world, how can we do that if we don't ever come in contact with that world? Teach your children the answers to the hard questions and where to find those answers because they will be asked in college. Help them make their faith their own in high school, so they aren't trying to find it in college. Don't rely on Christian colleges, they have problems of their own.
Thank you, LM! All I could think while reading this post was, “If we follow these five steps, the only thing we’ll be able to guarantee is that our kids won’t be able to share God’s love with anyone that doesn’t already know Him.” Yikes.
Lindsay, I’m really not sure where you got that impression. My girls don’t go to public high school, but they have a ton of non-Christian friends that they interact with at work and at volunteer opporutunities and at extracurricular activities. A public school is NOT the only place where people can witness–and indeed, we should be witnessing naturally in every area of our lives. My one daughter, for instance, who is a lifeguard, actually spends a lot of time talking with some of her elderly clients about end of life issues, even those who don’t believe. And she’s only 17! She’s been trained to do this at home by us, and she’s a natural evangelist. She also talks at length to her co-workers, who spend a lot of time “partying” and are really intrigued by her choices. And they often text her with problems. So to say that our kids will never talk to others about Christ is a little, well, insulting to those of us who do raise kids to be evangelists.
What I’m saying is that we need to make sure that our teens’ main sources of FRIENDS are still Christian. That, indeed, is the model of the New Testament. It’s called “fellowship”. And if our Christian teens don’t have Christian friends, they are more than likely going to be pulled away from the faith. That doesn’t mean they WILL; it just means that it’s more likely.
Our kids need to reach out, but they also need to be grounded. They need BOTH. To say that we should not strive to give our kids a strong Christian environment where they can grow seems to me to be antithetical to the whole idea of church and fellowship which is found in the New Testament.
One more thing–I think most adults would agree that we yearn for Christian friends, because we need that encouragement. Why, then, do so many adults react negatively when it is pointed out that perhaps Christian teens desperately need Christian friends, too? Unfortunately, many Christian teens may not realize this need because they may not be that mature in their faith, or they’re simply less mature in general. A parent’s job is to help our children get what they need. And a strong Christian peer group is a big need for a teen, just as it is for an adult. If we feel that we need it, then why would we not also put an emphasis on helping our kids develop a strong Christian network?
Non of my friends are Christian and it has not stopped my faith or pulled me away ….let’s have some faith in our children.
I do think it’s important to have some non-Christian friends. But the Bible is also adamant that we surround ourselves with Christians. We need that. We’re to be in community. “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33). And Rehoboam was the perfect example of this in the Bible.
>I think it would depend on the young adult and the parents. My sister (who is a wonderful girl) would have been very turned off if my parents had sat her down and researched Christian fellowships and had her find a church. Teenagers can be like that sometimes!
Nurse Bee
>I had a different perspective. While I grew up in a Christian household, I was never really friends with any Christians in high school or even at my church. But when I went off to college (which was a Christian college) I felt for the first time what it felt like to be in a community of believers. It was really powerful, and I think it made me a more confident Christian and affirmed my beliefs. I know that it can be extremely expensive to go to a private college like this, but it was an amazing experience that I would recommend.
What about the challenges faced by separated Families? My ex-husband has moved away from his faith and from myself and my two children as well. The children attend a Christian school, (which is a struggle financially but I believe worth every cent) and I take them to church with me, but they spend every second weekend with their Dad and his new family and therefore are attending church only every alternate weekend. My 6 year old son is VERY difficult to get to come to church. He doesn’t have to go at Dad’s .. so why should he have to go with me? I don’t make it optional, but still we battle. I am terrified that my children will start to decide in favour of the more “fun” Sundays they have sleeping in and going on Sunday outings with their Dad rather than choosing to come to church with me and what that means. Already they are noticing the differences in our lifestyles, and our choices. But as my situation offers little alternative, I can only pray that God will keep them close and that they will choose wisely. And at some point they will become responsible for their choices, as we are for ours.
Linda, that’s really a tough situation. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can, and this is one of those cases when you’ll have to pray hard, and your faith will be very tested. It sure isn’t easy being a parent. But if I can offer some encouragement, I was raised by a single mom. I was the one that the rest of my extended family felt sorry for and worried about, because my family was messed up. But today, I’m the one who believes, while other family members, raised in much more “Christian” homes, do not. So much of how we turn out is just simply the grace of God, not what we do as parents. We still need to provide the best environment we can, but ultimately it’s God who does the work!
I have to disagree with you. If you truly have faith, then also have faith in proverbs 22:6. Also, incorporate God’s love into everything, from small to great. If your kids know how much God loves them, they will know He is the key to their success. Condemnation and guilt kill a person. If you show them God loves them unconditionally, His grace will always Bless them and keep them coming back to Him.
Heather, I know what you’re saying, but I have also known a lot of wonderful Christian parents whose children have not grown up to follow the Lord. I do not think that Proverbs 22:6 is a guarantee; the Proverbs are more “life lessons” about how things generally happen, not a scientific book saying If X Then Y, or else all the proverbs about lazy men coming to ruin would also have to be taken as promises, and we all know many lazy people who have a great deal of money or worldly wealth. I think these are principles, not guarantees.
And thus I also believe that we must do our best to guide our kids and to give them an environment where they are most likely to stay close to Jesus.
I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “condemnation and guilt kill a person”. I agree, but I didn’t talk about condemnation and guilt in this article, so I’m just not sure what you mean.
Also, it’s the goodness of God that brings a person to repentance. The Holy Spirit draws people to God. So, it’s our job as parents to give the training and pray for our children, God is the one who brings them to walk the path He has planned for them.
Yes, God does, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t also supposed to be participants in raising kids to love Him. As it says in Deuteronomy, it’s our job to teach them God’s truths throughout the day; and part of that training, I think, is creating an environment where they also learn more about Him. Again, it is only God who can bring a child to repentance; we can’t. But it is our job to provide a good environment for God to work, and that is what I was talking about here.
Sheila,
As a 26 year old adult raised in a home just like you described above I can’t help but thinking that your 5 steps completely miss the mark. Those 5 steps are about controlling and proscribing your child’s experience of faith, not helping them to develop a faith that is meaningful to them and their experience of life. As a high schooler I went to youth group and church multiple times a week, I had a wonderful group of close Christian friends, I dated a good Christian guy (who I’m now married to), my family had nightly dinners together, prayed together, and had frequent conversations about God and faith. My parents closest friends, were and are, from their church. I went on missions trips, and I truly and genuinely loved being part of the Christian community, my faith, and my friends.
But the reasons that I ultimately left the church had do to with Christianity’s inability to address and answer hard questions. Real questions, real difficulties that come up in real life; not sheltered Christian life. Christianity tried to make everything simple, and tried to fit everything into a black or white, yes or no box. But my experiences in the world did not fit into those categories. In my experience Christianity gave broad sweeping rules about what should and shouldn’t be done in life, but life is nuanced and complicated. When I questioned a Christian idea, because the real life situation didn’t fit neatly into a box, I was given shallow platitudes for answers such as: We don’t always understand how God works, God works in mysterious ways, God will never give you more than you can handle, everything works for the good of those who believe in God. These types of answers were unsatisfying and insufficient. And it was multiple situations like this that slowly convinced me that the church was irrelevant, because it was incapable of answering the questions and addressing the issues that I cared deeply about.
I am a person of action. While going to church multiple times a week, and spending all my free time with other Christians gave me a great social life, it didn’t give me a fulfilling life feeling that I was making a meaningful difference for others. Looking back on my experience I would offer 3 different suggestions if you really want your child to continue in their faith.
1. Get involved in community service on an issue that your child cares about (food pantry, teaching ESL, reading to children, habitat for humanity). This gives them a way to put faith into action. It also gives them a way to positively define what their faith does (I believe God cares about children, so I volunteer at the hospital reading to children to help make their day a little happier), rather than only being defined by what their faith prohibits them from doing (I can’t do “X” because the church/Bible/God says that’s so).
2. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “That’s horrible, I don’t know why that happened.” Life has uncertainty, life is messy. Quit trying to convince your kids it isn’t.
3. Engage your children’s questions about faith and religious practice. Answers like “because the Bible says so” are not actually answers. It is a rule without reason, and without logical reasoning rules will be easily forgotten.
Sarah
Sarah, I hear what you’re saying. My kids really aren’t sheltered; on the contrary, I think they’re really exposed to more debates than other kids are, simply because we love debating, and that’s what we’ve fostered. They’ve always been encouraged to think for themselves. So I certainly do not advocate stifling debate or not letting kids think for themselves. My kids are also very involved in extracurricular activities and jobs outside the church, so they have a lot of opportunities for witness.
I guess what I’d say is this: the statistics are really quite startling. 18% of Christian teens who attend public schools are still following Christ ten years later, vs. 94% of homeschooled kids and 80% of Christian schooled kids. So I do think we have to be aware of that.
However, you’ve touched on something really important, which I should have mentioned. All of us should be involved in service with an outward-focus and purpose-driven focus. That’s something we’ve always done with our kids. We’ve been to the same Kenyan orphanage four times, the kids have made relationships, and they’ve been involved in massive fundraising here. So we have done that, and that flows out of our lives. I think that’s so important.
Perhaps a lot of the discrepancy in the stats can be accounted for in things like that: the people who tend to be the most purpose-focused and mission-focused are also those who tend to homeschool and Christian school. Those who take their faith more seriously are more likely to homeschool or put their kids in Christian school, so there’s a selection bias. Very possibly.
So I’d absolutely agree: you must be involved in service. The kids have to see that Christ really matters. But at the same time, please don’t ignore the stats. I think many parents do so at their own peril.
I agree with Sarah on this one. These 5 steps come across as an attempt to shelter children rather than letting them experience the fulness of human thought. I would hope that parents all have enough faith in God to trust that His word would be more convincing than the words of men. Sheila, you mention some statistics, I’m curious to know where they come from. Who conducted the survey? Who funded it? I can imagine Christian universities (like every other university) being very eager to boost their enrollment numbers. But mostly I have to ask you what you think is happening to these people who decide to leave church after being exposed to a university environment. Why would our children let friends take them away from something as cherished as their religion? And what about Sarah’s experience? She was sincere and yet she found in her sincerity the Christianity failed to satisfy the questions of life. In what ways might Christianity be failing to meet the needs of our children?
Sasha, the survey was done by a research group doing a longitudinal study of homeschoolers. I’m not at home right now so I can’t give you the full study. I have it in my filing cabinet. But it looked at high school students from different backgrounds ten years after graduation, and looked at civic engagement, volunteer hours, whether or not they voted, whether they had a job, whether they had been on welfare, and whether they had kept their parents’ religion. Sure enough, the Christian schooled and homeschooled kids did far better.
Like I said to Sarah, anyone can beat a statistic. If you look at me, for instance, I was far more likely to marry badly because I was raised by a single mom and had no relationship with my dad. But I didn’t. I married well. Any one person can beat a statistic, but that doesn’t stop the trend. I’d just say this: look around at the families in your church, and look at which kids in their twenties are still highly engaged with church. How many have fallen away? And I think you’d find that most that have become disengaged went to public high school.
I’m not saying that no kid who goes to a public high school will stay a Christian. Not at all. But parents need to be aware of this and work really hard, if they do send their kids to public high school, to counteract the trend. And one of the most important ways is to make sure that they have a good peer group.
That doesn’t strike me as sheltering. That strikes me as just being wise.
Our children are given to us to raise and protect; they are not adults yet. To expect that we can put them in a difficult environment, full of things that are very negative to the gospel, and have them do perfectly fine is a little much.
Do some Christian parents stifle their kids? Of course. That’s why some kids reared in Christian homes who go to Christian schools rebel in university. There is never a guarantee, and one can err too far on either side. But I still think the fact remains that a public high school is, IN GENERAL, not ideal if you look at the trends for kids keeping their faith. And parents need to be aware of this and thus decide accordingly.
My daughter was very involved in church and community in her teen years and went to Christian college to study to go into ministry, but for some reason during her junior year she decided to become a universalist. I blamed myself. I thought I had missed something in her childhood. I had neglected some important magic step. But I realize that every human being on earth has to work out their own faith. I saw a quote on pintrest that said ” if I were the perfect parent my child would have no need for God.” I can only hope and pray that she is going through this as part of her journey that will help her in her future ministry for Jesus. I have to believe scripture: Proverbs 22:6. I just treat her as an unbeliever. I love her and don’t pry. I take every opportunity to love her unconditionally.
Sheila,
I dont know if I agree with your base premiss of why pubic schools lead kids away from church. You stated that:
The rates of kids who stay in the church are much higher for homeschoolers and Christian schooled kids, and it’s not just because kids get into trouble in public high school. Most of them don’t. It’s something far more fundamental: they start choosing their closest peers from outside of the church. And once they do that, church starts to seem irrelevant.
I dont think that is the case. I think that it has more to do with what is being taught and what is being reinforced. You have been talking about studies and statistics here. Studies and statistics show that the more education a person has the less likely they are to believe in a god. With home schooling or Christian schooling, topics that challenge and question Christian dogma can either be presented as a faulty and laughable argument or skipped all together. So of course the rates of home schooled and Christian schooled kids staying in the faith will be higher than that of public school because the former have been placed in a situation that reaffirms their thinking at every turn whereas the latter have been questioned more often. This is why I’m not a fan of your 5 points here. It seems as though all 5 points are about making sure that your child is surrounded by people who are living in the same bubble as them. What good is that when the big questions come? Public schools and higher education are going to lead to challenging questions. If your child is not equipped with the tools and skills to grapple with big questions, one big question can be their Christian undoing.
I would agree, Joshua, but if you’re right, let me ask you this: why do homeschooled kids or Christian schooled kids who go on to secular universities keep their faith more than public schooled kids do? By your reasoning, it should be the other way around. Kids who are in “the bubble” can have their faith shattered if that bubble is broken. But IN GENERAL that isn’t what happens.
Of course there are always exceptions. I, for instance, went to a public high school and a secular university, as did my husband. We emerged fine. I had very close family members, though, who came from much more Christian families than I did, who did not emerge from those experiences fine, largely because their peers were not Christian.
Hebrews 11:25 says, “do not forsake meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encourage one another, and so much the more, as you see the day approaching.” We are to have fellowship with other Christians. We are to get together with other believers. This doesn’t mean we don’t evangelize; but it does mean that our main peer group should be with other Christians (which is, of course, Jesus’ example and the apostles’ example as well).
I also want it pointed out that homeschooled kids are not necessarily raised in a bubble. On the contrary, we spend most of our homeschooling days looking at all sides of different arguments–history, politics, and religion–and encouraging the kids to come to their own opinions. We teach logic, something that schools no longer do. And the homeschooling communities that I’ve seen are all taking tons of worldview courses. Please don’t assume that we never study the other side!
I love this article! I wish, however, that people reading it wouldn’t jump on the defensive. This is an article about what a parent can do to help their children be Christians adults. It’s not about all the ways Satan uses the world to break young Christians’ fellowship with the Lord (e.g., secular education). Also, I imagine Sheila would not claim this to be an exhaustive list. And as far as this list appearing to be a picture of the parents demonstrating some control on the kids’ lives…GOOD! Somewhere along the way, our culture has accepted the idea that teens are adults and parents need to let them make their own decisions. Sorry, but that is rarely going to have good results. Sometimes a teen can make decisions with no help from a parent. Sometimes they will need parental guidance. Other times a parent has to put his/her foot down for the good of the child. I encourage anyone who read this article and reacted negatively to pray about why they reacted that way and to search the scriptures for support for their disagreement rather than look to exceptions they have seen in their lives. However, do so in light of the fact that this is a short article that could be a whole book. Sheila wasn’t giving an equation to getting Christian kids. She was sharing a few ways to train up your children. Thanks for the article, Sheila!
You’re welcome, Julie, and thanks for the encouragement! You’re right; I didn’t intend for this to be an exhaustive list. But I do think that we need to be proactive in getting our kids in a positive setting. We can’t just let them flounder.
Hallelujah Sheila! Great post.
I am a homeschooling mom/pastor’s wife in full time ministry. I see stuff… 😉 I know stuff… 😉
My honest belief as to why Christian kids leave the church is because they don’t see the power of God in the lives around them including their parents. I believe that if kids saw miracles happening in the lives around them, if kids saw the blessing and favor of God on a regular basis, they would “choose life.” Deut. 30:19
How many hours a week are most Christian kids in church? Maybe 2? That’s the “faithfuls” who go once a week. How many hours are most kids in school? About 35. So what does that equal for the year? What is the average TV usage by kids per week? 28 hours. (LA Times Newspaper)
Church (if they don’t miss even one): 104 hours / year
School (if they are only there for the typical school day): about 1200 hours / year.
TV: 1456 hours / year.
So, why are Christian kids leaving “the faith?” It’s really not a mystery after you look at simple stats.
Kingdom Blessings,
Janet
Interesting thoughts. But I have to disagree on one point – I think it is so much more about what we’re teaching in our home than where our kids go to school. I have two daughters who went to public school and at 19 and 22 years old are still very sold out to the Lord – spending breaks and summer are mission trips, discipling other college students, etc. I have a stepson who attended a Christian high school through much of his teenage years but after leaving for college, also left the church. He was influenced in his other home regarding his priorities and lack of concern for Christian values, church, etc. Christian schools have a lot of kids who have simply learned how to “schmooze” others on the Christian principles being taught and drag their friends into doing the same, but there isn’t a true relationship with the Lord that they continue to seek after high school ends. I think as parents we have to be careful that we’re convinced one certain thing will keep our kids in church. It’s the relationship they develop with the Lord during their teen years that will determine if they stay in church or not.
Hi Sheila,
I’d like to share my thoughts on this post because after reading through the thread it didn’t seem that anyone touched on this point of view.
Sheila said:
“Now, I also know many families who don’t go to church often but who are Christian. They do church “at home”. I respect their faith, I really do. But I think this is a mistake. The implication that you’re teaching your kids is, “you can be a Christian all on your own in your home”. – and – “Make sure your children think of church as an integral part of their lives.”
I’ll begin by saying that we are a Christian homeschooling family. We have three teenagers. God is the center of everything in our lives. I agree with most of what you said. Call us bad example setters, but we do not go to “church”. Gasp!
Church to us is not a Sunday morning activity. It’s not a Wednesday evening activity. It’s not a place we “go to” It is our identity in Christ. Christians ARE the church!
Somebody please show me in the Bible where “church” became a building? Or where building attendance was required for a relationship with the Lord.
I’m certainly NOT trying to discourage anyone away from going to church, please don’t get me wrong. I’m simply sharing my thoughts and experience, having ministered to many people who have fallen away from the faith (which is different than choosing not to attend a building on Sundays).
We read the Word of God daily. We pray daily. We pray before every sporting event even in the midst of non-Christians. We do devotionals together. We watch our favorite pastors on TV. Yes, we even tithe. God is a huge part of our daily lives, our daily thoughts, daily decisions. Not because we feel obligated or because we’re afraid we will be setting a bad example if we don’t.
Jesus said, “Where two or more are gathered, I am in the midst”. He is where His called out ones are. That means, my home, my car, the park, the lake (which, btw are all His) is where He is. I need not travel to go meet Him at a certain time and place. He is always right here with me, just like He said He would be.
When Jesus preached, where did He preach? On the mountain, in a boat, by the well, in the garden, by the fire, in a house, walking down a dusty road. Was that church? I think so.
I believe those who turn away from Christianity do so for lack of a real relationship. Let’s be honest. There are many people who attend buildings to get their “church” who have no true relationship with the Lord to speak of. Sure, those parents are going to “church” every Sunday, but do they all exhibit fruits? You might be able to fool a child, but teenagers recognize a fruitless tree when they see one. Even if that tree manages to dress up and put on a pretty face every Sunday, as many, (not saying all) Christians do.
It might be different for you, but I have never built a close relationship with anyone in a large group setting. It’s those quiet one-on-on chats where deep questions are shared where true intimacy and strong relationships are built. Does God prefer my time with Him be shared with 2000 other people for it to count as “church”? Or does He like it better when our family gathers in the living room or around the kitchen table to spend time with Him? Maybe He prefers our one-on-one quiet times when it’s just me and Him? I don’t think He necessarily has a preference as to where we are physically. I think He cares more about where our hearts are. After all, we can be sitting there in the building, but our hearts can still be far, far away from Him.
To assume teenagers won’t take God seriously because they don’t attend a building once or twice a week or because they aren’t involved in youth ministry seems a bit judgmental, don’t ya think? I’d say that most teenagers (and adults for that matter) are more turned off by and turn away from Christianity by legalism, hypocrisy, and judgemental attitudes, than they are by lack of “church” attendance.
If you enjoy the Sunday morning building experience, by all means go for it. But to put yourself up on a pedestal and to point a you’re-not-a-good-Christian-finger at those who don’t is just not what Jesus would do.
God forbid our rights to free-religion ever be taken away and all the buildings be shut down. Then what? I guess without the building you won’t be able to be a Christian anymore.
Just a little something to consider.
Priscilla
Priscilla, thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I certainly didn’t mean to imply that church was a building; I simply meant that we have to be plugged in to a body. I don’t care if that’s a house church or a beach church, but it’s the body of believers that are important.
And I’d point out Hebrews 11:25
To me this means that we MUST be meeting together regularly with other Christians who are not in our immediate family. We are to belong to a body. I completely agree that we should live out our Christian lives in our homes, every moment of everyday, but regularly–and once a week has been the tradition throughout church history–we should also meet as part of a larger body. This helps keep us grounded, it helps make sure that we’re not wandering doctrinally, it helps keep our faith sharp and firm.
I am not saying that those who don’t go to church aren’t Christians. But I think there is a reason that verse is in Scripture. There is so much in Scripture about the body of Christ, and the body is more than just one’s immediate family. If we aren’t part of a body, then we don’t regularly interact with other Christians. We don’t have friendships with other Christians in the same way. And we lose out on something important. We’re also far more likely to lose the faith and to drift.
So I will stand by what I said. I believe that it is incumbent on every Christian to be part of a larger body. I do think this is Scriptural, and I do think it’s especially important for our kids who will one day be launching into the world and who will need to find a strong body that can keep them accountable and encourage them when they have left the family home. That’s my interpretation of the meaning of the body of Christ. As I said, I don’t care what building it’s in–or if it’s in a building. But you must be interacting regularly with the body of Christ that is more than one’s immediate family.
Please take a moment to read this: http://thecripplegate.com/i-have-decided-to-follow-jesus-maybe/
Great article!
This strikes me as excellent advice. I don’t know why people get so defensive about this. It’s commom sense really. Don’t be a hypocrite, live out your faith, be involved in your kid’s life. If peers are important in a kid’s life, go out of your way to ensure your kid has Christian peers. Rivers of ink is spilled on the importance of peer pressure, so use it to your advantage. I had excellent Christian friends as a teen. We had strong peer pressure to go to mission trips, do homework, not drink/ party/ date Christians/ remain pure ect.
I do have a question though: If God promises repeatedly that nothing can separate us from his love and nothing can snatch us from his hand, how can a person walk away from the faith? If once you are a child of God, do you not belong to him forever? Did these kids who supposedly “lose” their faith ever really have it?
It’s simple to walk away since the church is rotten to the core.
Great post! Thank you so much. We have a 7-year-old son and are doing everything we can to give him the foundation he needs to succeed in his faith in this world. I found a great new resource by Dr. Tony Evans I’d like to recommend for your review. It’s an amazing book and resource and I’d like other parents to benefit from it as we have. It’s called “Raising Kingdom Kids.” He says, “It’s far easier to SHAPE A CHILD than to REPAIR AN ADULT. Raising kids who recognize and retain their identity as children of the King launches healthy adults who have the capacity to stand strong in their faith.” There are free downloadable samples on his website. I highly recommend it!
The thing that struck me about this post is the message of isolation from non-Christians. You suggest sending kids to Christian schools, encouraging Christian friendships, clubs, partners. I see two problems with this. First, this strategy is based on removing the question rather than strengthening the argument. That is, it doesn’t provide the children with any reason to stay Christian, it just makes it more convenient. You seem to view this as building a strong foundation and support network, but I would argue that it’s more like a tree growing shallow roots. Sure, when a question of faith is raised, it’s good to have like-minded people to discuss it with. But if a peer group is too like-minded, they run the risk of not raising as many questions in the first place. And then later in life it may take a smaller doubt to shake a previously untested faith.
Second, this approach ignores the importance of diversity. Our world-view is necessarily limited by our experiences, but we need not limit it further by only connecting with people whose experiences are similar to our own. One of the reasons college can be so enlightening is because it brings together people from diverse backgrounds – geographical, cultural… culinary 🙂 This diversity allows us to step out from our narrow corner of the world and broaden our perspective of it. We learn so much by talking to people who are different from us. Is this not valuable for Christians, too? Why would we want to deprive our children of this enrichment?
You seem to be focussed on the idea that when teenagers/young adults spend time with non-Christians, God loses importance in their lives. But I would argue that it is this changed perspective that calls into question the teachings of the church. How can an American Christian be so sure of her religion when she meets an Iranian Muslim whose family and community are just as dedicated to the Koran as her family and community are to the Bible. If you really want to equip your children to face this circumstance, you need to embrace and address diversity rather than shun it in favor of isolation.
Finally, I would like to commend you for encouraging parents not to be hypocrites and instead be the people they want to see their children become.
What’s so wrong with letting kids make mistakes and learn from them? Yes we want to avoid that but inevitably kids are gonna make bad choices its from those bad choices they learn that’s when Christian teachings and values come into play. It’s not when they mess up but what they decide to do after they mess up. And while I understand it’s easier to live a Christian lifestyle when you have Christian friends and boyfriends/girlfriends I don’t see why it’s so important. As Christians we should be accepting of others and those who differ in our beliefs, I have friends who live a different lifestyle than I do but that doesn’t mean I have to be like them, I make my own choices and kids should learn to do so as well.
I Disagree. To pull your children out of public school and make Christian living so different isn’t going to make them stay a Christian. It sounds like the 5 ways to force Jesus on your kids. Why take them out of reality? How will they learn real life? How will they learn to pour into others? How will they learn to see broken people and help them through Jesus. This is a recipe for sheltering your children. Love them, and let them see what real life is. You’re job as a parent is to guide not force. Let God do the convicting and moving of your kids in the right places. Love & trust them but most importantly just love Jesus. Let that be what speaks to them. Don’t force Jesus. Let him do his job and you do yours
I disagree with this post completely. The more a child is sheltered and kept away from other points of view and walks of life the more of a shock to the system it will be once they do go to college or meet other people through work or hobby’s. Going from a very restricted life to relative freedom (college, first job) will be the moment kids or young adults go wild because they never learned balance. It’s not for no reason the most internet porn is watched in the Bible belt. All those restrictions means people have to find an outlet for their feelings somewhere and the tighter the restrictions the stronger they will act out. I think the healthiest way is sending kids to a regular college and let them go to sports on sunday just as their friends and classmates. Making them hold back where others get chances will be a great way to make them step as far away from the church as they can when they get older as they will see church as something that hold them behind compared to their peers.
Hi Sheila! Found this post by following links from your last parenting email…. I’d have to agree with pretty much all of these points – just a few things to add…
1) I’m an Aussie. Homeschooling here is quite…. unusual. We have Christian schools which are a nice option, but can be really expensive too. Sometimes public high school is the only sensible option. I believe it can be managed OK, but as a parent you do have to be careful. Treat school as only PART of your child’s life – build connections, friendships and take on activities which will foster Christian friendships and values and dilute school!
2) Church life is soooo important! Amen to that! I think it’s pretty clear from all the teaching on it in the NT that God never intended us to be little islands – other Christians are a gift and blessing from Him to help us along the way. Yes, they keep us a little accountable, but more importantly, they are the people with whom we have the most in common in this world!
3) And this is the MOST important… Our children need to know the Saviour themselves. Christian values can be inherited, but personal saving faith cannot. God has no grandchildren! If they come to know Jesus personally, as Lord of their lives and Saviour of their souls, He will keep them when even the most diligent of parents can’t!
Absolutely! Everything must be AUTHENTIC, or there’s no point. And if a parent’s faith isn’t authentic, it’s very difficult for a child’s faith to be authentic. We can’t expect our kids to do things that we ourselves aren’t doing, or to dedicate themselves to Jesus if we ourselves aren’t. But when the family unit has an authentic faith, then the kids will tend to fluorish. And the more authentic the family is, the less the school actually matters. 🙂
I think this post really misses the mark– in fact I don’t think Jesus or Christ was ever even mentioned. Just the idea that there are “5 Steps” to our children becoming Christians is crazy. As parents, we can guide and pray and mold and set boundaries and talk and pray some more, however only Jesus can draw our children to him and change their hearts– HE does the work, not us. This post has the potential to heap loads of guilt on moms who may think, if only I had…
I am raising 4 small little people who I pray God will draw to him– the goal is to continually point them to Jesus and loving others. As we love others as Christ loves us, and as we model grace and forgiveness in our homes, our children will be drawn to HIM.
Nice. Parents are not the only ones who can learn from this post. Even individuals with nieces and nephews.
When our oldest went to tour the university she wanted to go to we actually went to the Christian organization on campus we identified with so our daughter could meet them & see the facilities so she’d be more comfortable going by herself when school started. We also asked them what she could be involved in & how they would help her stay in church & nurture her relationship with God. She ended up being very involved with the group, even being on the leadership team plus met her future husband through her involvement there, & had the opportunity to mentor others.
YES! That’s awesome. That’s exactly what I mean. Being proactive about identifying those groups beforehand and getting the kids plugged in makes the biggest difference.
I think one of the most important things on this list is to make faith natural. It’s imperative to show it is more than church, like you state. Thanks for sharing!
Absolutely, McKenzie!
Thought it might be appreciated to hear from someone who did leave the Christian faith so you could see why. 🙂
I was home schooled until college and then got my BS from a Wesleyan College. Growing up, I was always involved in ministry groups, parachurch organizations, and church groups. I was EXTREMELY devoted to Christ and routinely led people to the Lord.
As an adult, I continued to be highly involved nd active in our church and my kids were involved every step of the way.
It was actually my love for God and the study of Scripture that led me out of Christianity. As I went deeper in my walk with God, I took the time to study some key things necessary for Jesus to be the Messiah, and I realized through my Bible studying that those key things are not there.
I have not left God, or the Bible, but do now reject Jesus as God/savior, and we attend synagogue and fellowship with an observant Jewish community.
Thankfully, my parents responded to my change in faith with the reaction of “I guess we had better research this as well, since we know if Rachel says she found something, she found something,” and still understood my deep love and comittment to God. But I have been treated very cruely by most of my Christian friends who I have told of my change.
It’s very important, if your child does leave Christianity, to find out why. Barely anyone asked me why—they just said horrible things to me about my decision. So ask why. Take the time to understand. And then RESPECTFULLY and with love, share what you feel you need to say. Don’t risk losing your relationship, as many of my Christian friends willingly did with me.
From an adult whose parents did most of the above and who has not stepped foot in a church in over a year, please, hear me out. There is so much I wish I could tell my parents, so I hope this reaches someone. Most of the advice above is meant to protect children but fails to realize that children are meant to become adults. If you do not instill in them the ability to make their own decisions, you have failed them. I went to college having been sheltered my whole life, only having church friends, knowing how to quote scripture to the umpteenth degree yet something happened when I started college: I got incredibly, deeply depressed. It was more than an attack on my faith. It was a feeling of emptiness and not knowing who I was. And, like any conscientious Christian woman, I blamed my lack of faith. The truth is, I was never instilled with any sort of coping mechanisms to deal with the world around me or to think for myself and it finally took its toll. I realized I never got a chance to participate in normal parts of growing up like having a boyfriend, learning to interact with people without feeling the need to witness to them constantly, or discovering my interests outside the realm of going to church. Not to mention 10 years later, I still have no idea what anyone is talking about regarding pop culture! My sister is also not a Christian and is even transgender. My parents who are highly involved in church still, are incredibly broken and finally realize what they tried to do didn’t work. Friends of mine are also in their late 20s and are still Christians. Why? Because their parents were more moderate, less controlling, and trusted them to find their own path. If God can speak through a donkey, he can speak through a former believer: please consider whether what you are doing is hurting or helping your teenager in the long run. I would have loved to have had a childhood free of the restrictions you encourage people to place on their children, just as much as I would love to have had a less complicated relationship with spirituality. As of now, I can only relate it to a feeling of oppression.
Well of course homeschooled kids are more likely to be Christian, because you’re hiding them away from all opposing opinions and isolating them. As a former homeschooled Christian kid and now proud Atheist, it is wrong of you to try to manipulate your kids into choosing your religion. Step back and let them choose for themselves. If your religion is that great, you have nothing to worry about. But, I think deep down you don’t really believe in your god at all.