See if you can relate to this all-too-frequent scenario in our house:
It’s been a long, hard day. You’ve been running after kids, cleaning snotty noses, throwing food on the table before chauffeuring to karate, and visiting the bank and the dentist. The principal called today and wanted to talk about a bullying incident to do with your 7-year-old. The karate club says that your 10-year-old has great potential and should take an extra lesson a week. And your sister called; she and her husband are having problems.
The kids are now in bed and you want nothing more than just to relax and let all of those concerns fade away. You head into the bedroom, and there’s your hubby, whom you adore, getting ready for bed. But you know from the glint in his eye that sleep is not what he’s planning.
You smile and scatter your clothes in all directions, following him to the bed, praying that the kids stay asleep and don’t bug you. He reaches for you and starts kissing you. And then–
From somewhere deep within, you’re not even sure where–
You find yourself pushing him aside and saying, “Do you think Jeffy should take two karate lessons a week? He is really gifted, but I don’t know if the teacher is just trying to get more money from us. And can we even swing it? When will we eat dinner as a family? But I know he really wants to do it. And then maybe he could teach his little brother to stick up for himself more when bullies pick on him. What do you think?”
Your husband sighs and rolls over as he starts to grunt monosyllabic answers to your big monologue about karate, bullies, money, dentists, and schedules.
Then, when you’re finished, you start kissing him again, but he doesn’t seem interested. You’re mildly ticked at him for being ticked at you, but you can’t quite put your finger on the problem. So you give him a peck on the cheek and roll over and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow night…
Can you see yourself in that scenario? Let’s diagnose what’s going on for a minute.
Did that woman want to make love to her husband? Or was she pushing him away when she started talking?
Here’s what I think, from personal experience: she did want to make love! But she knew that she wasn’t emotionally or mentally ready yet because she had to get all this stuff that was inside her head out.
Here’s the reason: for women, sex is largely in our brains. If our heads aren’t engaged, our bodies won’t follow. That’s why women find sex difficult when we have a headache; if we’re in pain, we can’t concentrate! And if we can’t concentrate, arousal ain’t gonna happen.
Men, on the other hand, aren’t like this at all. I remember a time shortly after we were married when my husband had a fever of 103 and a rash all over. I crept into the bedroom to see how he was doing, and whispered, “is there anything I can do for you?” His fevered face turned into a smirk as he said, “well, since you asked…”
I thought he was sick, in more ways than one. But I have since learned that men and women are very different when it comes to sex.
Men are mostly body oriented. Women are relationship oriented, which means that we are largely in our heads.
And if something intrudes in our heads, we lose focus on sex.
Have you ever been into some heavy petting with your husband when the thought suddenly occurs to you, “Is there milk in the fridge for breakfast?” You didn’t mean to think it, but now that it’s there, you start ticking off all the other things you need to buy at the grocery store, and you’re gone! He’s still touching you, but he knows he’s not getting through. He’s lost out to milk.
We women know that about ourselves, even if we can’t articulate it. And that’s why, when there’s a lot going on in our heads, making love can be difficult. We know we just have to get all our thoughts out and dealt with (even if they’re not solved), so that we can concentrate on the here and now.
It took me a while to figure that out about myself. I thought when I started talking instead of engaging in foreplay that I was somehow pushing my husband away. But I wasn’t. My brain was just trying to relieve itself of all the pressure so that I could be present with him! In other words, talking was the foreplay. I wasn’t looking for my husband to solve my problems; I just needed to get the concerns out, so that they weren’t crowding in there.
Now that we understand that, our evenings look much different. We’ll often take walks after dinner to talk about the pressures I’m feeling, or the frustrations I have, so that they don’t have to spill out right before bed. And Keith knows that for me, that’s part of warming up!
Maybe you’re like that, too! Explain to your husband that it’s not that you don’t want to make love; it’s only that you want to be able to fully enjoy it. And to be able to do that, you may need fifteen minutes of talking first to get out all the pressures of the day. Plan tomorrow, and know what’s on your agenda. Talk it over with him, and it will be easier to let it go.
Talking is an key part of how to get in the mood for women!
When he sees what’s in it for him, he may not become so prickly. And when you understand why you need it, you may not fear that you’re running away from sex quite so much! You may understand that all you’re really doing is creating a deeper intimacy between you.
Understand the different sex drives, and it’s a win win. Misunderstand our motivations, and you’re both bound to feel hurt. So talk about the importance of talking! And then you’ll find yourself far more likely to get in the mood–and get around to something even more fun!
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>Good post! Talk is most definitely a big part of "foreplay"…
>YES! I can relate to all of it, including the milk in the fridge. Ha! You're bang on with this post.
>I agree that talk is important- and love your post. One thing I'd highlight that you said: for us women, it is in our minds- and I'll add that in our mind we are able to make a choice of the will. So, even when we don't 'feel' like it- we can choose to focus our mind on intimacy and still be fully present. And when our mind goes to the milk – lol! for me it is usually wondering if I have paid all the bills!- we have the ability to take that thought captive and choose to focus on the present.
Another thing… sometimes, my husband and I will get our talking out first, as you described, but sometimes, I put that aside, knowing it will happen later. I remember when we were younger esp, that if my husband had things on his mind, he was more able to talk about it when he already felt connected to me through intimacy… if that makes sense.
Just my 2 cents. 🙂
Thanks for your honesty and encouragement. I just found your blog, but I can tell you are being used by the Lord to bless many!
And what happens when women have a husband who talks more and want sex less? Sometimes I feel like I’ve been thinking about it all day, so I’m ready to be intimate and connect that way to relieve the bazilion things on my mind… then we can talk it out later, once we’ve made peace or connected physically. I really liked the tie to another article you had which said, “Basson’s model supports an old saying about the difference between men and women: Men become intimate to have sex. Women have sex to become intimate.”
Do you have any specific articles about a women’s drive causing her to want sex more often than a man’s drive? I know that some of our own marriage issues are derived from fatigue, amount of energy expended emotionally with others and not saving it for each other, illness, etc.
Thanks!
Great question, and let me say, if you haven’t been told this before, that you are not strange at all. In about 25-30% of marriages, she has the higher sex drive than he does, and this can put you in a very difficult position. I did write a blog post on this which you can find here: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/posts-3/. I’d say, too, that your husband does need to understand your perspective, but the problem is you can’t force him into this. Just try to work on your friendship and keep the lines of communication open, so that he sees your point of view. And keep going to a Bible believing church which teaches that husbands and wives do have obligations to one another.
It is a difficult place to be, because it seems like the whole world is the other way around: where he wants to and you don’t. But there’s nothing wrong with you!
I totally relate to alikat! I feel like I’m more like the man in my marriage and my husband, the woman. The thought of having sex doesn’t always occur to him. For me, it’s always on my mind. If I have a headache, sex makes me feel better. If I’ve had a bad day or have a lot on my mind, I can easily let it all fade to the background with some great sex. Unfortunately, my husband (testosterone being perfect) has a low libido. He’s 40 now and just doesn’t have the same level of desire he once had. Me, perhaps because I am pregnant, am feeling more amorous than ever. And I’m pregnant with #5 so I am a very busy, exhausted Mommy! Doesn’t matter…I still want and need that sexual release, the connection, etc….don’t need foreplay, don’t need snuggles afterward. And YES…there are a lot of women like me out there! I used to think I was alone in this but I’ve learned I’m not. It’s normal, it’s common…it sucks! Luckily, I can get my husband going whenever I want….but it would be nice to be pursued and feel desired. So many friends complain about their husbands wanting to get on them all the time and I just think to myself…LUCKY YOU. My husband adores me, is faithful, is attentive, a great listener, helpful in every way….we just have totally different drives. Booooo!!
This is so me! We start to get “into it”, and I start talking and asking him questions, etc. I want to keep on with the sex and just talk a little while we are relaxing, etc. He gets frustrated and pulls away! He has NO DESIRE to talk about anything. He wants me to be quiet. That frustrates me.
I have learned to just let it go, clam up and focus, all the time hoping I remember to ask him those questions later. *sigh*
I love talking with my wife. It’s one of the joys I find in my day IF she talks to me.
I understand her need to make some sense of chaos from her day.
However, understand that this isn’t a difference between males and females necessarily. I have a strong need to have dialogue with her and receive feedback (when she is not a Dictator).
The difference is I put it on a shelf and interact with my current moment. I tuck it away until it is an appropriate time to further discuss.
Talking during sex tells me you don’t really care one or the other if you’re here!