My heart is heavy today, because I have just learned of another couple that I love very much who have separated. I don’t believe the separation is necessarily permanent, but I still mourn for the pain that is involved, and for the children, and for the chance that it may not work.
When we see a friend’s marriage go down the drain, the first question that pops into our minds is often: “what can our church do”? And we tend to think in terms of pastors, or elders, or small group leaders. We don’t tend to think of us as Christians. So let’s rephrase the question, and ask today, “what can Christians do to prevent divorce”?
Now, I think there are two main strategies we need to employ: prevention and crisis management. I’m going to focus more on crisis management in this blog post, but let me deal with prevention first.
Preventing Divorce
How can Christians help prevent divorce–like what should we do before the crisis hits? These would be my key points:
1. Emphasize that the purpose of marriage is not happiness; it’s holiness.
Often people split because “they’re not happy”, or they’re not in love anymore. But the reason they’re not happy is often because they are expecting the other person to meet all their needs, rather than focusing on what they can do to meet their mate’s needs. We’re missing the boat.
We think that life should be about fulfillment, and that’s not the point of life. And ironically, we tend to feel more fulfilled when we submit to God, live out our commitments, and find His peace and joy. When our focus of life becomes finding our own happiness, we drift horribly.
2. Encourage family time.
Couples don’t wake up one day and decide to split. It comes usually after years of drifting. The natural course of family life is to drift apart. It is the drifting that causes bad feelings, affairs, workaholism, etc. So we need to create a community where families are encouraged to do things together; not to have tons of meetings away from each other, or tons of small groups where the women are away from the men and everyone is away from the kids.
I’m not saying there’s not a space for that, but often in our Christian lives we put people in the position of spending time not as a family but as individuals within the wider community. It’s time to get back to family. Encourage family game nights instead of all kinds of small groups. Encourage family hikes or outings instead of church picnics. Have the youth baby-sit the kids so that parents can take a date night. Let’s make the church a place where families are together, and as Christians, let’s talk to our friends if they’re spending too much time in extracurricular activities and not enough time as a family.
3. Offer marriage support groups.
Make sure that all couples who are in their first two years of marriage have a mentor. Marriage counselling is almost more important after the wedding than before, because before everyone thinks, “that will never happen to us! We really love each other!” It’s only after the wedding that you find out you’re human. Make marriage support a regular part of what you do as a church.
4. Have messages (sermons) that clearly tell why marriage is important—
–not just because God ordained it, but because society and children rely on it.
Now, those are my prevention points. But what happens when a couple comes to you and says, “I moved out yesterday, and I’m staying on my brother’s couch while we figure out what to do next.” All too often, that’s the scenario we find ourselves in. We don’t tend to know that couples are having problems until they’ve already made the split.
Crisis Management Strategies when a Friend Wants a Divorce
But what do we do? We tend to react in panic, and then we tend to use the tools that we’re used to–namely our prevention techniques. We start talking to them about the importance of commitment. We talk about how it’s not about your happiness, it’s about holiness. And this does absolutely nothing to help.
Let me try to diagnose the problem for us, and then maybe see it in a different light.
In my experience teaching at marriage conferences, if one person wants to work on a marriage, but the other doesn’t, the chance of the marriage working is probably just under 50%, no matter how small the issues are.
If one person really doesn’t want to work, there’s not a lot you can do.
On the other hand, if both people want to make it work, I would put the chance closer to 90% that the couple can work it out–no matter how big the problem.
Even if it’s multiple affairs, or workaholism, or jail, or whatever, if both are committed, it can work. And in fact, often these relationships that are terrible are the best demonstration of God’s grace and power.
The key, then, is to get both people wanting to work it out. It is not to get both people to agree on what the problem is; it is not to get both people to agree on who is to blame; it is not to actually even solve the problem. The key is simply to get both to agree that what they want is to work it out.
In other words, the problem that caused the break is not the issue; the commitment to the marriage is the issue.
Too often, when couples arrive in a pastor’s office or in a sibling’s home or on the friend’s phone and announce that they have split, our first instinct is to talk about the problem. Why?, we ask. And when we get the details, we then try to analyze and solve the problem. Are your grounds for divorce biblical? If there is an affair involved, it very well may be biblical. Then we start arguing that even if it is biblical, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to divorce. And we go back and forth and we don’t really get anywhere.
The reason we don’t get anywhere is that we’re misunderstanding where the person is coming from. We don’t want to see the marriage end, and we’re desperately trying to get them to see what is so obvious to us. But that’s being very condescending. Most people, when they split, didn’t begin the process wanting to get out. They wanted to make the marriage work. They have cried rivers of tears. Their heart has been broken–even if they’re the one who had the affair. They have been torn apart by this. By arguing whether or not they’re in the right we seem to be dismissing all their feelings and their turmoil. We’re treating it logically, rather than emotionally. And we’re trying to insert ourselves into the problems that this couple has had–problems that we can never fully understand because we weren’t there.
Let me suggest another road.
At this point, once a couple has separated or are preparing to separate, they already believe that the issue is big enough that a breach is imperative. To argue about the cause of that breach, the legitimacy of that breach, or the solution to that breach is counterproductive. They are in pain. Instead, we need to appeal to the two solid things in their lives–the two things where love is still present. Let’s not focus on hurt; let’s focus on love. There is so much negativity when it comes to the marriage right now that you don’t want to feed into that by focusing on the cause of the negativity. Instead, you want to focus on the two things that, hopefully, still give them strength and joy.
Now I am talking primarily about Christian couples here, so if you’re dealing with couples who are not Christian, you’ll have to modify this approach a bit. But for a couple who is a Christian, I would focus on two truths:
1. Your children will be hurt by this divorce, even if the divorce is biblical.
On the whole, children do not fare well when their parents split. What is it that you want for your children? Presumably, they want their children to grow up with the best possible start in life, feeling loved and safe and secure. The best route to that is to be raised in a home by biological parents who love each other.
Even if you don’t love each other now, and even if you don’t see a way to love each other, do you agree that parents being married is best for your children? Can you give us two or three months to fight for this marriage for the sake of the children–not to stay so that you’re fighting all the time, but to stay to rebuild a marriage so that the children will be safe and secure. We aren’t talking about staying married but hating each other, because that isn’t necessarily good for the children (though studies have shown that even that situation is often better for kids than living through a divorce). But let’s agree that what’s best for the kids is two parents together.
Don’t discuss the issue that is tearing apart the marriage. Don’t discuss how you get to the point that you love each other. Don’t discuss who is right or who is wrong. Simply talk about what is best for the kids. Arm yourselves with the statistics (and if people want I can publish another post about all these stats; just let me know in the comments if you’d like that). Tell people what happens to the children after a divorce. Right now a split looks like a relief for the parent who has lived through something horrible. Let them know that it is the exact opposite for the children.
Most people, even if they are exhausted themselves, can agree to fight for their kids. Focus on that, not on the spouse.
2. God is big enough to see you through.
Now here’s the next point: Can you trust God to see you through? Can you trust God to restore your joy in life? Can you trust God to transform you and your marriage? You don’t have to know HOW God will do this, and likely the person will start talking about the issue and how it’s impossible.
Here’s the key talking point: you do not have to understand how God will do anything. You do not have to understand what it is that God will do. The only relevant question is: can you trust God to get you through this? Because if you can’t trust God to transform you and give you joy inside your marriage, how can you trust Him to outside?
God wants marriages to thrive. He doesn’t yearn for marriages where people just stick it out and are miserable. He wants people to have abundant marriages. He will still be there for people if they split; absolutely. But that is not what He wants. He hates divorce. He permits it in some cases, but that does not mean that He likes it, even then. And if He hates it, wouldn’t He prefer to transform your marriage? Wouldn’t He like it better if your marriage worked, rather than seeing you divorce and having to deal with all of that?
Again, the question is not believing whether or not the spouse will change or whether or not the issue will be resolved, and if people start trying to talk about this, stop them. Change the subject. Come back to the main point: It’s not about the issue, it’s about God. It’s not about how bad the issue is; it’s about how big God is.
I believe every marriage counselling session should focus on these two points: Can you fight for your kids, and do you believe that God is big enough to restore joy and fight for you? These are the heart issues, and neither of them has anything to do with the issue that has caused the marital split.
It’s dangerous to start marriage counseling by trying to talk about the issue, because you’re trying to apply logic to a subject that is inherently fraught with emotion. And by starting to analyze whether or not the grounds for divorce are biblical, or whether the issue is enough to cause a split, you are, in effect, insulting the person who has struggled with this for months if not years. Instead, get to the real point: you have a responsibility to your kids, and God has a responsibility to you. Do you trust God to live out His responsibility? Because if you don’t, your life is not going to be any better if you split.
Christians, when they are considering leaving a marriage, are often quite close to God, because it’s in those times of great pain that we cry out to Him the most. We often assume that they are far from God, because they are choosing a path we disagree with. But that’s often not the case. Many have been praying. Many have been pleading with Him. They often do love Him very much. Talk about this love. If you love God, can you trust Him? What they are often looking for from God is approval to break up the marriage. Change the direction into not one of approval, but one of trust. Can you trust God?
And then, in that first counselling session, ask the two people to pray for their kids and pray that they will trust God. Maybe it’s only a sentence prayer (and it probably should be only a sentence prayer), but pray it with each other present. There is something very powerful about praying together when you are in such turmoil. Even if the prayer is simply, “God, please help us to do what is best for our children, and help us to trust you,” with both of them saying it, God can do an amazing thing.
Remember this: no amount of arguing or logic can save a marriage when people want to leave. What you need is God. You need them to turn back to God, and you need them to turn back to their kids. That is hard when they are so burdened personally, but that is the road to recovery: get your eyes off of yourself, and get them on to the Lord.
Once they are both committed to working for the kids and to trusting God, you can then start to talk about the issue–perhaps after three or four more counselling sessions when the main focus is trusting in God to deal with their emotional turmoil and to deal with the kids. Don’t jump into the issues right away. No issues can really be solved until the person decides to yield to Jesus anyway. Yield to God, and God has power to work miracles. Appeal to logic, and you’ll hit your head against a wall.
Friends, I can’t tell you enough how important I think this is. I believe that we do marriage wrong in the church for all kinds of reasons–busy-ness, a refusal to admit our problems, overscheduling, an emphasis on happiness rather than holiness. And I believe that when people have problems, we start the blame game, or we try to talk them out of it. All of it will fail, and you can tell that we’re not doing a good job just from the stats of divorce among Christians–30% in Canada and 50% in the United States. Something has to change.
I believe it comes to this. Let’s stop relying on our own power to solve marriage problems. You can’t use logic to fix things. All you can do is help encourage people to move to a deeper level of submission to God. Do this, and things have a chance. Fail to do this, and you’ll likely do little good.
More people need to hear this, so please comment, tell me what you think, and share this on Facebook below! Or perhaps forward it to your pastor. We need to get a real discussion going on how to rescue couples who are in crisis.
>These statistics are so frightening. We live on a Scottish island, and do not have divorce statistics anywhere close to these figures even in our communities as a whole.
I don't think we realise how blessed we are. I personally don't have one family member who has gone through a divorce…even right out to first cousins.
But I know that what happens with you folks on that side of the Atlantic arrives over with us – maybe a generation or so later. We must be prayerful, watching for the evil one, who would have all believing households broken if he could.
Let us all be watchful – even those who think their marriage is unbreakable. There's no such thing as an unbreakable marriage. And so let us 'watch and pray'.
Really good post.
Love, Anne x
>Great and timely post, Sheila! One better construction in the first paragraph (from the grammar police) would be to insert "that I love very much" after "friends" so as not to confuse the loving with them divorcing. Just saying … C:C:
>Well said. It is very hard to watch friends separate, and even harder to know what to say. But these two truths provide all that is needed.
>Having gone through a very nasty split, I wish someone had of taken this approach with my ex and I. We would probably still be together if someone had drummed it into our heads about what was best for the kids and did we trust God enough. Instead, my kids are by-products of much pain and scarring. Now years later and into their teen years, I see the pains still there and hear it in their voices. One parent is still very selfish and the wounds open fresh once again for the innocent victims–the children.
>I am sharing this on facebook and twitter. It is so true and it needs to be battled.
>Anonymous, thanks for your comment. I'm so glad you think this approach has merit, because someone who has walked through it knows. I'm sorry things didn't work out better for you and your children, but I pray that God will still wrap His arms around your kids and protect them!
Thanks everyone for hitting the share button!
>I agree that this approach to separation has merit and just might work! I felt that our Pastor failed miserably in his brief attempts to try to help my former husband and I. Basically they said our problems were too big for them to deal with — that we should go see a professional counsellor but they couldn't say where we should go or when (or how this counselling would be paid for financially) — I felt like the Pastor and the Deacon just opened a "can of worms" and then left us drowning in the ocean without so much as a life preserver thrown our way. When a marriage is sinking the parties often do not have the emotional resources to do their own research to find solutions… My children are still hurting (my daughter not so much as she was only 18 months at the time of the split and at 5 now, she thinks all children have two daddies) but my son who was 7 at the time (and is now 11) struggles with the fact that his Dad does not spend quality time with him, attend his school events, etc.
I have also felt frustrated that not one person from the church (that we'd attended for 7 years up to the time of the split) called me to ask how they could help, what they could do, or just even to say they were "there for us" — and it would have been nice to even get a little card in the mail that said "Praying for you" or a casserole dropped off at the door. It doesn't have to be words (if you aren't sure what to say to your friend)… I found that the whole situation really made one aware of "who was on your team" and supportive and who wasn't…
I didn't want to divorce. But I couldn't stand the stress of a bipolar spouse who was violent towards the children and I, and all the negative stuff going on had extinguished any love we had for one another. Very sad, indeed. Maybe if your approach had been taken, Sheila, we could have found the counsel we needed and worked on things but, as it was my former husband decided "there were patches on our patches" and that we were "flogging a dead horse" so he left. It was almost a relief for me – when it all came to a head…
Just my own personal experience…
Denise in Saskatchewan
>I think it was a Focus on the Family study that showed that couples who read the Bible together, pray together and attend church together regularily have about a 90% chance of success in their marriage. Not sure of the exact details but remember the pastor talked about it in church one sunday.
The pastor also mentioned that when statistics say "Christian couples" they are often referring to couples that got married in a church. We all know that just because you got married in a church it does not make you a Christian couple. Not to mention the fact that many Christian couples get married outside of the church as well.
All that being said, I'm 25, been married 6 years (earlier than most of my friends) and have already seen marriages fall apart. Isn't that sad? I have a friend who is also my age and her husband just went to a high school reunion to discover that he is one of the only (if not the only) one still married.
I'm so blessed to be surrounded by strong marriages and have seen it in my parents and their friends.It helps to have good examples 🙂
Here’s an article that talks to some of it. http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/religion/2011-03-14-divorce-christians_N.htm. I also found in my research that divorce rates among “Christians” doesn’t really mean Christian couples who go to church weekly and actually walk the walk. It means people who think they are christian because they are not Jewish (generalizing here but some see “christian” as almost a nationality).
>Hi Sheila,
Thanks so much for tackling this issue as well as for the link to my blog. There is a great deal to consider in your post, so I'll probably have to read it a few more times before I have more comments.
From my initial reading though you appear to start with the assumption that most divorces are entered into with great hesitation and due to very strong emotional reasons. I think we have all seen this kind of divorce, and I think you are right to address this.
But I also see far too many cases where there is no real reason whatsoever. The husband or wife simply declared they are bored or "not happy" and pull the ejection cord. In my post Her husband was her best friend I link to a blogger who acknowledges in retrospect that her own divorce was frivolous, and also recount an example of a woman who shared with my wife her intent to divorce frivolously. I also share the comments of a woman who talked her mother from getting divorce fever when she learned that Al Gore's wife was divorcing him.
The data seems to back this up since they have found that divorce spreads like a disease. I know it would be hard to find people admitting they would do such a thing, but I'm convinced a high percentage of divorce has neither biblical or any other solid reason. My personal take is this is where the church should start. Right now the law and popular culture are deliberately egging women on to divorce. Movies and books which glorify frivolous divorce are considered acceptable forms of entertainment by millions of Christian women. When I pointed this out on my blog, no women would acknowledge that this was a problem. They felt I was making a big deal out of nothing. And while churches are willing to discuss the biblical commandments on divorce in theory they almost never call couples out on this in practice. Do you have any thoughts on this aspect of divorce?
As a 26 year old wife, I cannot believe how many couples my age are already divorced – friends I used to know in college….and I think I agree – the reason often just seems to be that they no longer feel like being married. So sad! I believe we need more teaching on the value of marriage like you said, Sheila. And also how it is based on commitment not feeling. Thanks for the advice and the encouragement to speak up to our friends. We had one friend we tried to help save his marriage but we had trouble knowing what to say and how far to go. If it happens again (and I pray it doesn’t) I think we’ll be better prepared to help.
Very good comments. I have been married for 33 years and now in the middle of divorce proceedings. We have 4 grown children, there has been no abuse, no long term debt, married Catholic, serious about our faith, simply put there is no biblical nor canonical reason to divorce. We have received no support from our clergy not parishioners. My wife I feel suffers depression but getting her help now would be very difficult. My heart aches for my children but I just don’t know what to do.
>You made some excellent points in your post – things that few people are saying these days. First of all, the foundation that marriage is not for our happiness but for our holiness, but this goes against the very fiber of our culture today where everything is about our happiness. No wonder so many marriages are in trouble.
You gave some excellent talking points and ways to help a couple in trouble. The challenge to trust God to be big enough to handle the situation is so critical. Without that faith there is no way to fight. Supernatural forces of evil are out to destroy every marriage so putting the fight back on a spiritual level is really our only hope to turn the staggering divorce statistics around.
Thanks for a great article. I'm sharing this one.
>Hi Sheila,
Thanks so much for tackling this issue as well as for the link to my blog. There is a great deal to consider in your post, so I'll probably have to read it a few more times before I have more comments.
From my initial reading though you appear to start with the assumption that most divorces are entered into with great hesitation and due to very strong emotional reasons. I think we have all seen this kind of divorce, and I think you are right to address this.
But I also see far too many cases where there is no real reason whatsoever. The husband or wife simply declared they are bored or "not happy" and pull the ejection cord. In my post Her husband was her best friend I link to a blogger who acknowledges in retrospect that her own divorce was frivolous, and also recount an example of a woman who shared with my wife her intent to divorce frivolously. I also share the comments of a woman who talked her mother from getting divorce fever when she learned that Al Gore's wife was divorcing him.
The data seems to back this up since they have found that divorce spreads like a disease. I know it would be hard to find people admitting they would do such a thing, but I'm convinced a high percentage of divorce has neither biblical or any other solid reason. My personal take is this is where the church should start. Right now the law and popular culture are deliberately egging women on to divorce. Movies and books which glorify frivolous divorce are considered acceptable forms of entertainment by millions of Christian women. When I pointed this out on my blog, no women would acknowledge that this was a problem. They felt I was making a big deal out of nothing. And while churches are willing to discuss the biblical commandments on divorce in theory they almost never call couples out on this in practice. Do you have any thoughts on this aspect of divorce?
>Dalrock,
So glad to see you here! Thanks for commenting (and for getting the ball rolling).
Here's what I would say: I completely agree that many, many splits are caused because people are simply selfish and unbiblical. Sort of the "we fell out of love" mentality that is completely rampant and completely wrong.
You're right: there are the ones that have big causes and are fraught with emotion (and often years of turmoil), and then there are the ones which are far more frivolous. Should we treat them differently?
I'm not so sure. I think when someone is divorcing frivolously, to call them on it and tell them that God thinks they're wrong will have absolutely no effect. They're already running away from God. And even if it is frivolous, in their mind the relationship is the problem and they are justified in doing what they are doing.
To start debating with them whether or not they are justified, then, would be, in my mind, counterproductive. I have been in such arguments with people (such as a sister-in-law), and I realized afterwards that my approach was wrong. I couldn't argue the merits of the marriage or the importance of commitment, because she had already decided that these things didn't matter, and nothing I was going to say would change her mind.
What you need to do, then, is to return to things that still do matter–namely the children, and your trust in God. Even people who leave marriages believing God says it's okay are often open to the thought of exploring what it means to really trust God. Of course, if you're dealing with a couple where one or both are not Christian, this is a tougher sell, but I think it is still possible. In that case, I'd focus mostly on the children, and also throw in, for good measure, the statistics that after divorce most people are more depressed and more miserable than those that stick it out.
Again, the point is to stop arguing the issue, because you won't win. They are already closed off to thinking about it. The point is to talk about something that they do still feel an allegiance to–and if they don't feel an allegiance to God anymore, talking about how the divorce is frivolous is certainly not going to work anyway.
So I was not saying in my post that I believe that most divorces are not frivolous. I don't. I think many, many are. But here's the truth: whether or not they are, you are not going to win an argument about the issue because to the person divorcing, it has become very, very serious. And they have thought about it a lot, and justified it in their mind. Better to get into a discussion about something more solid where you may find some common ground, and then move forward from there.
>Great article Shelia! This is the approach our church counselor took with us also and it worked. Our marriage was doomed and bibically we could divorce. It was the hardest thing in the world to physically pray outloud for and with my spouse while he was standing in the room with me. You create intimacy with whom and for whom you pray. It was the start of our reconciliation. While we worked on our own relationship with God individually, God did the healing work in each of us Himself. Where there was no way, God made a way! We have been married for 22 years! All praise be to God! We have continued the work our church started and have counseled many couples on the brink.
>Sheila,
That is SO REFRESHING. Start by focusing on what is true and good rather than on what is broken.
Amen.
>Sheila, this is excellent! I'm going to put this up on my FB wall tomorrow, maybe even my blog. Being the marriage editor over at Internet Cafe, I'm always looking for great articles to help strengthen marriages.
Blessings.
>We were a Christian couple who divorced. We went through some marital counseling and one-on-one counseling. I prayed for a year that God would change my heart and help me love and respect my husband. I should also have prayed that my husband would love and respect me. He simply wasn't willing. No matter how much we talked about us, he just yes'd me to death and go on as usual. Finally God made it clear to me that He was permitting me to divorce. My stepchildren were wounded by my leaving, especially since their own mother had left them when they were younger. Except for the pain I caused them, I have never regretted the divorce. The truth is that my husband didn't love the real me. I would rather be alone all my life than ever face that sense of failure and rejection ever again. And the worst of it was that it really was all my fault. I would never have married him if it hadn't been for the fact that we had pre-marital sex. I'd suffered sexual abuse as a child and when I became born-again, I'd felt clean for the first time. Then one day we were alone (first mistake) and I wanted to test him (major, major mistake). I wanted so badly for him to be that romantic hero of the Harlequin novels who loved and respected his woman so much he would never have sex with her before marriage. I wanted him to stop himself, but of course, he didn't. So I did the only thing I could think of to clean up my own mess and that was to marry him. Even as I prepared for marriage, I knew I didn't really love him, but I ignored it and made myself go through with it. What a fool. The response of our church was horrible. Within 2 weeks I had become a sermon illustration and my pastor had instructed the staff to stay away from me. So much of what happened was my fault, but I was so embarrassed that I couldn't admit it. I developed horrible anxiety and panic attacks as well as depression with thoughts of suicide. I had become such a disappointment to everyone – my husband, my stepchildren, my pastor, my church, even those I'd thought were my friends. It took me 9 years and a move across country to forgive everyone involved. And although God has done a grand work of healing in me, yet tonight I'm crying again as I write these words. Another layer of the onion, I guess.
>We were a Christian couple who divorced. We went through marital and individual counseling. I prayed for a year. Finally God made it clear that He was permitting me to divorce because of my husband's hardness of heart. Except for the pain I caused my stepchildren by leaving, I have never regretted the divorce. The truth is that it was all my fault. I would never have married him if it hadn't been for the fact that we had had sex. I'd suffered sexual abuse as a child and when I became born-again, I'd felt clean for the first time. Then one day we were alone and tested him. I wanted so badly for him to be that romantic hero of the Harlequin novels who respected his girl so much he would never have sex with her before marriage. I wanted him to stop himself, but of course, he didn't. So I tried to clean up my own mess by marrying him. I knew I didn't love him, but I ignored this and went ahead anyway. What a fool. The response of our church to the divorce was horrible. Within 2 weeks I had become a sermon illustration and my pastor had instructed the staff to stay away from me. So much of what happened was my fault, but the rejection and embarrassment was so overwhelming that I couldn't admit it. I developed horrible anxiety and panic attacks as well as depression with thoughts of suicide. I had become such a disappointment to everyone – my husband & stepchildren, my pastor, the church, even those I'd thought were my friends. It took 9 years to come to the place of forgiveness and healing. God has done a mighty work in me, but I'm crying even now as I write. I don't think I'll ever be willing to become that vulnerable to anyone ever again.
>Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain that you're in! My mother went through something similar, and I know what it is to be a single mom when you never intended to be. And the pain is always there, to some extent, though God's comfort is there, too.
I know what you mean about having sex first and then feeling like you have to marry him. I'm writing a book right now that has a lot of that issue in it, so if you want to email me and further share your story, I'd love to hear it! Just find me through the "Keep in Touch" link here.
Thanks!
>Great post Sheila. I'm walking with a friend through this right now, and unfortunately, though she is willing to do absolutely anything to save her marriage, her husband is not. He's lived a lie for so long, and told so many lies that it's like he believes them himself now. His thinking is so twisted. Appealing to trust in God is absolutely useless with him. Barring a miracle, there is 0% chance of their marriage working out. That is likely the only thing about your article I disagreed with. If one partner does not want the marriage to work, I think the odds are much less than 50%. 🙁
I think, as Christians, we really need to work at the preventative part of this. Catching things before they get so out of hand is definitely easier.
>Hi Sheila,
Sorry for being AWOL on this discussion after my initial post. This is the most difficult topic I have written about, and at times I find it mentally and emotionally exhausting.
I think you are right on the approach to take when a couple is going to divorce. This is very different than what I was thinking, but you make a very strong case. If the people divorcing frivolously admitted to themselves that this was the case, they wouldn't be doing it. So you have to start somewhere else. I'm sold on that.
What still concerns me though is that there is a larger culture war that the church as an institution and Christians in general have shown very little interest in. Divorce is being sold as empowering and fun (mostly to women) by our media, and the silence from Christians is deafening. There are at least two cable channels dedicated to glorifying divorce, and perhaps even worse fantasies of widowhood. When I call this out on my blog, the response from women is almost unanimous that this is some divine right of being a woman. The irony being that as you mention divorce tends to be awful for all parties, including the women who initiate them.
The AARP did a study a while back on late life divorce. the vast majority of the divorces they looked at happened when the people they surveyed were in their 40s. What they found was that while most of the divorces were initiated by women, the women were the most harmed by it. The media took this and spun it as "empowering" and "an exciting new trend". Who knows how many women decided to dynamite their families based on this nonsense.
>One of my closest friends is going through a painful divorce.
One of the important things to remember, I think, is that the average person isn't necessarily "counseling" the couple. As a friend, just showing up and listening, rather than giving advice, is so important.
One of the things I'm seeing through my friends experience is how quick people are to chime in with advice, and they've got NO IDEA what she's been living with for the last three years and beyond. (3 years ago is when they separated for the first time.)
Affairs, alcoholism…people have NO IDEA. And my friend, being the amazing Christian woman that she is, has no desire to throw her husband under the bus. She tells people that she is deeply saddened by the ending of her marriage, and to please pray for their boys…but it's absolutely over.
And they go on and on with their "advice."
Frankly, the details aren't everyone's business. We live in a fallen world where people make selfish, sinful choices that impact others. The last thing someone going through a divorce needs is more guilt or blame.
Just my two cents.
>Such a great and helpful article. I would be interested in a post in regard to a couple who are not Christian. Thank you for your blog and all your wonderful advice.
Oh my heavens!! I can’t even TELL you how timely this post is in my life. I am so glad you left a comment on my blog so I could find you. You are an incredibly insightful and eloquent writer and I can’t tell you how important your work is in the world. We need you!! Thank you so much for who you are, what you stand for, and for sharing your thoughts with all of us. You are my new hero!!
Jessi from Hopes and Dreams
That’s so sweet, Jessi! I’m glad you found this post helpful.
A very timely post, I found the link on pinterest…full of good advice and eye opening. Thank you for putting it out there where ppl like me can read it!
I appreciated this post, Sheila! Thank you for linking to it from today’s post.
We’re in a situation now where we’re praying for a friend’s marriage. It’s so incredibly sad. The husband has been my husband’s good friend for years. When he first started dating, and later proposed to, his wife, my husband and all of his other friends urged caution, practically begging him not to marry her. Everyone but my husband’s friend himself saw what a bad fit they are. The woman is not an evil person, but she’s very childish, self-centered, and entitled. She hurts people constantly, and seems to feel badly about it when it’s pointed out to her, but she just doesn’t see it unless it’s pointed out, and even then, she thinks others misinterpret her rather than that she behaved badly, so she keeps right on doing the same things, assuming that it was only that one person who would misinterpret her. Right up until the wedding day, the groom’s friends tried to get him to back out. Once the vows were said, though, everyone stopped the criticism and started trying to support the marriage as best they could. It hasn’t been enough. The husband recently acknowledged to himself and to my husband that he’d deceived himself when he was dating his wife–she never lied to him, but he lied to himself about her personality, their expectations for marriage, and what he could and could not live with. Now he’s miserable. My husband was able to help him soften his stance from “immediate, unilateral divorce; I just want out” to “six month separation to see if we can work things out,” but it’s going to take an act of God to keep them together. There are no children, so it’s good that no innocents are being hurt here, but there’s also not that joint concern to pull them together.
Any suggestions here? I’m not close to the wife, and we live half a world away, so my role seems to be prayer. My husband, however, is very close to his friend and communicates with him most days–he’s working to influence him toward saving the marriage, but he also says that his friend feels that he’s already given up so much and allowed so much to go on for so long, that he can’t meet her halfway; he’s already gone farther than halfway toward her and needs her to meet all the demands he recently gave her. (Both parties acknowledge that there are no biblical grounds for divorce, but I think they’re past caring about that.)
Deborah, I really don’t have any good suggestions I’m afraid, apart from prayer. I do find that what usually works best when couples are facing a lot of negativity is to try to focus on the positive: find one thing they can do together that’s low stress and fun, and just do it. And keep doing it periodically. You can never tackle all the huge problems in a marriage unless there is also a positive foundation to get things done.
At least in this case there are no children, but divorce is devastating nonetheless. I pray that they’ll both be able to turn to each other and to God.
You make great points about how to start counseling for a struggling marriage!
I have previously wondered, would it make more sense to start counseling (or based on your advice above…to make step #2 be…) working on behaviors that will strengthen the relationship–like spending time together, or offering encouraging words…whatever that couple needs…and THEN, after some “strengthening” has been done…try to tackle the “issues?”
I am currently separated from my husband- our 2nd separation in the five years of marriage. We have 4 children together, for a total of 5 including my oldest from a previous relationship. I’m separated due to some of those “big issues” you mention- years of abuse and violence. Unfortunately, the approach you mention would make me feel incredibly guilty and make me doubt what was already a difficult decision. And it was the approach of our church. If it weren’t for the fact that I was already plugged into counseling for abused wives, I may have brought my children back into a very dangerous situation because of this.
I look back now and see all the red flags, all the danger signs while we dated. Except for my children, I very much regret my marriage. I wonder if the reason I pushed through my doubts and the warnings of others was the fact that I was pregnant (again) outside of marriage.
I think establishing a cause of separation is the important first step before deciding on the approach. Ensure the safety of all, physically and emotionally, before an attempt to help put things together again. Sometimes things shouldn’t be put back together.
My children are healthier and happier now that we are away from my ex. They are freer to be children, they are more confident and affectionate. They even eat and sleep better. The lack of tension in our home is so much easier. My oldest, when I broke the news to her, was relieved and thanked me… In our case, divorce is much better than the alternative for my kids.
What if the children have been all that has been holding the marriage together and now they are in college.
I know this is long ago. And I certainly don’t want to guilt you. But my grandparents divorced for no biblical reason when my dad was in his 40’s (all the children were grown and had families of their own). I can tell you, it still really hurt him.
Thank you for writing this post. I have had three friends that split up this year. I tried to convince them that God will lead them to believe that marriage is forever. However, I am their friend and I am here for them.
I found out almost three years ago that my husband was having an affair with a younger woman who chased and manipulated her way into his heart for seven months prior to him giving in. This is the second marriage she’s done this to.
Immediately God gave me more love in my heart for my husband than the immense amount i already had for him in all our 24 years together. For almost three years now I am loving my husband as best i can while he continues to live with the home wrecking ….. waiting on God to renew our marriage because I am 100% sure that is what He wants me to do.
Our children are 26 & 23 and both are devastated and want me to kick my husband to the curb. I tell them that as soon as God tells me I’m done then I’m done.
Today my shattered heart shatters some more, which I thought couldn’t happen. i found out our 26 year old daughter doesn’t want to be married to her God given husband anymore. She isn’t happy. She has felt the pain of her dad cheating on me, seen me absolutely crushed and now she’s giving that same pain to the man who she couldn’t live without just a few short years ago.
Thank you for this article. WE NEED THIS ARTICLE. I’m so angry at her but I know I can’t show that. I text her today and told her I am praying for her and that I love her tremendously. I know I can’t fix her marriage just like I can’t fix mine. Only God can.
Please pray with me as I do my best to get her to admit she can trust God. She’s very angry at her father for what she calls stringing me along and at God because in her eyes he’s not turning things around. Please pray for my husband as we are still married and for our daughter that God will work in their lives. Please pray for my son as his heart is broken due to his wives decisions. And please pray for our other son as well. Sin definitely destroys entire families. All I can do is trust God because only He can restore our family.
Thank you
What do you say to a chritian friend whose 2 daughters are all grown and now she is having problems after 26 years of marriage and is finally tired of his character.
Do you still have stats you can share on impacts of divorce on kids?