Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. I’ve been writing these columns every week for 8 years now. I’ve written almost 500 of them. That’s a lot. And sometimes I wonder why I keep doing it. But it’s columns like these that make it matter to me. It’s not that I think it’s particularly great; it’s just the opportunity to speak what I know is truth into people’s lives, in the hopes that they may make even a small change. I like the columns that simply challenge people’s thinking (like last week’s), but it’s the ones that challenge behaviour that I really pray have an impact. And this is one of those!
Here’s this week’s!
Messages in bottles have been the stuff of folklore for centuries. Dying, desperate sailors have hurled them. Curious children have launched them. Nicholas Sparks wrote a novel based on them, but don’t read it—or watch the movie—unless you already have a prescription for antidepressants.
The story I find most interesting about such bottles, though, comes from an experiment when two bottles were dropped off the Brazilian coast simultaneously. One drifted east, washing up one hundred and thirty days later off the coast of Africa. The other drifted northwest, landing in Nicaragua one hundred and ninety days later. They started in exactly the same place. They ended up half a world away from each other.
Something similar is at play with human relationships. We can never drift together; we can only ever drift apart. When you’re not paying attention to your relationship, you won’t end up closer. You’ll only end up separate. If you want to go through life in tandem with someone, you have to be intentional about it.
Have you ever been misty-eyed at a wedding, knowing that this couple was perfectly compatible and would last forever, only to be blown away fifteen years later by the divorce announcement? How did that happen? How can two people who were so close end up so far apart?
It happens little by little, wave by wave, as different currents catch you. One night he staggers home from work, exhausted, and instead of eating at the table with her, he grabs dinner, puts his feet up, and watches TV. She’s tired, too, so after the kids go to bed she retreats into the study to surf internet blogs. A few more times that week they recreate the scene, and soon it’s become the evening routine. Once couples stop communicating, laughing, and sharing, then the only thing that binds them together is the children. And eventually children aren’t enough.
Too many of us drift through life. We figure our spouses are always going to be there, our kids are always going to love us, and our jobs are always going to be secure. So we don’t put in the hard work of keeping lines of communication open, or building up goodwill, because we’d rather concentrate on ourselves, and what we want. We are, after all, selfish beings, and most of us, if we can get by with laziness, will try. We’re naturally drawn to drifting.
Young adults are today’s quintessential drifters. About 30% of twenty-somethings still live at home, hanging out in their parents’ basement, not pursuing career plans because they’re enjoying the carefree life of computers and video games. Eventually real life will sort itself out, right? Wrong. In those drifting years, they’re missing out on valuable time when they could be saving for a downpayment, increasing their marketable skills, or building meaningful relationships. Drifting is preventing real life—adult life—from arriving.
Drifting is destructive, and I don’t think it’s even that fun. We’ve become so accustomed in our society to think that the absence of work is the pinnacle of happiness that we’ve forgotten that it’s sometimes in that work—whether it’s work on relationships, work on stretching ourselves to achieve a goal, or working at our jobs—that we derive the deepest satisfaction.
Summer is a time to relax, and most of us desperately need it. But in your relaxation, don’t drift. Instead, take the time to plan. Go for walks in the beautiful sunshine and figure out what’s important to you. What is your purpose here? What are you aiming for? How are you going to get there? Since we can’t drift towards happiness, we had better start being more deliberate about it.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Definitely have experienced that "continental drifting" apart — by the time the divorce came, I was so emotionally removed that I was more angry than hurt…
So different to sit on the back step in the mornings while my new husband drinks his coffee and we chat or my 4 year old cuddles with "Daddy" — it gives a "connected feeling" throughout the day… and then when Daddy goes to work, he calls home periodically on the mike phone … just hearing a voice or knowing you can pick up the phone if you need to ask a question … it's a good thing!
Thanks for your this entry… Enjoyed reading it… I fear I have drifted for many years and need to begin living more intentionally!
Denise in Saskatchewan
>So true!
Hello,
I respectfully disagree with your assessment of 20-somethings who drift through life. The job market is terrible for young talent. Many companies don’t want to invest in young adults and train entry-level workers; they would rather steal employees with experience than do the work themselves—and that’s if they are hiring at all. My boyfriend and I are 20-somethings from the Washington, D.C. area, and while nether one of us wants to move back, we are feeling the gravitational pull because it’s one of the best regions for job training and entry-level work. In fact, the job market is so terrible, that among 20-somethings, it has become something of taboo to ask what people are doing after they graduate or inquire about their employment status, unless you know for a fact they are employed. The proper way to ask a graduating college student is, “What do you want to do when you graduate?” That way if they have a job they will tell you, and if they don’t they can talk about their goals and dreams instead of embarrassingly saying they are moving home. After a few months you need to pay back your student loans, and at that point you are probably taking what you can get, which for many people I know means waiting tables where they worked in high school. And after you have been on your feet all day, it’s hard to summon the energy it takes to really do what must be done to get a job. It’s draining looking for work; it can be a full-time job in and of itself. But most people don’t have that luxury. The US has a major affordable housing problem, and the average college graduate owes at least $30,000 in student loans (myself included). How could so many people not live at home? It would be almost reckless. I think about my situation (thankfully I am employed and have affordable housing), but paying off my debt is my #1 priority, and saving up for a down payment is so far down the list that it is almost laughable. Actually I know couples that have so much combined debt that it’s almost like they already have a mortgage.
My generation has been dealt a really crappy hand. In high school, we were told that if we didn’t go to college our life would go nowhere. So we went to college. The recession happened. Now we get the wagging finger saying how could we be so irresponsible to go to college and amass so much debt. I guess that’s just the way it is. We all make the best with what we have. I know plenty of people who live at home unemployed or underemployed, but if there is one thing I can guarantee, it’s that 99% of them are doing just the right for themselves at this point in time and trying as hard as they can.
Just my middle class/suburban perspective. Support would be more appreciated than shame.
Sincerely,
Michelle S.
Michelle, I am not a 20-something but am 35 and I agree with alot of what you said. This horrible economy has changed SO many lives and torn alot of couple and marriages apart. This country has become so backwards over the years. Seems many of us are forced to think about “survival” instead of improving marriages :(. May God bless.
Wondering if the “drift” hhas become so bad – u know there is no other solotion but togo seperate ways, but even though there is no longer communication, he hasmade it very clear that if i do try to leave….. my life will,only become his goal to have child taken away, as well as no home….. and certainly no help financially…..what would the correct steps be then?
Thank you so much for this. It is what I needed. I know my husband loves me but I feel the drift at times. Don’t want to overreact but do feel the need for improvement.