I have a variety of family members and friends who just went through the “Grade 8 Graduation” rite of passage. It seems like that grad is getting almost as big as high school grad, at least if you take the thought that goes into the dresses into account.
I agree that it’s fun to celebrate kids’ milestones, but what they do at grade 8 grad doesn’t celebrate these kids’ talents and potential and gifts, but instead forces them into grown-up situations for which they are probably not prepared.
I loved going to middle school dances when I was in grades 7 & 8. I had crushes on different boys, and the thought that I may actually get to dance with them was so exciting! But just because I enjoyed it as a kid doesn’t mean it was right. I would have done far better not going and not getting so caught up in them. It was after one of those dances that I had my first “boyfriend”, and that was a big disaster. Why bother when you’re 13?
I don’t blame the kids for wanting to go to a middle school dance. In a way I don’t even blame the parents, although more should be smarter and just say no. I blame the schools. As a parent, it is hard to tell your child they can’t go to a dance when it is the social event of the year and everyone is going to it. Of course, just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, but I do sympathize with parents in that situation.
What I can’t figure out is why schools insist on perpetuating this charade–that 12-14-year-olds are old enough to “couple off”. Because that’s what dances are for–they encourage coupling off. I know some of my 13-year-old’s friends who went to school dances last week for grad who have now announced on Facebook that they are “going out”. And they’re going to movies, and they’re hanging out together, and they’re thinking of themselves as a couple. And 13 is too young for that.
Why force kids to think romantic when they would be more than happy being friends at that age? Why don’t schools encourage kids to do fun things in groups, rather than allowing them to pretend they’re grown up when they’re not? Dating when you’re a young teenager does few people any good, and does lots serious harm. The earlier you begin dating the earlier sexual activity is likely to start, even if it doesn’t start with that relationship. You think of yourself as needing another half, and the longer you date, the more likely that you are going to take that relationship a step farther, because what else is there to do? It’s not like you can get married or move in together at 15.
I’m not saying that everyone who dates at 13 is going to become pregnant at 15. Of course not. But it certainly makes it more likely, and given our school board is desperate to decrease teenage pregnancy, you’d think they’d figure out that encouraging young kids to date is stupid.
But that’s not the only harm. There’s also harm because kids are just not allowed to be kids anymore. They start wanting to grow up and wanting to do adult things, even though they are not emotionally adults yet. But they think of themselves that way, and they lose out on the fun that can come from being simply 13.
Am I being a fuddy duddy? I don’t mean to be. I know a lot of the pressure for middle school dances comes from the kids themselves, who would rebel if the dances were called off. But I don’t see why you couldn’t do something really fun instead–a field trip to an amusement park, or a camping trip, or something other than a dance. And just because kids would complain doesn’t mean that we’re not right. We, after all, are the adults. They are not. And we should stop encouraging them to think that they are.
Here’s my 16-year-old explaining why she’s not dating in high school. I’m glad she’s made this decision. I just wish the schools would wake up, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>I have nothing to add to this except the biggest, loudest AMEN you've ever heard!
>Preach it and Amen! 🙂
>I agree, My sons school middle school includes 6th – 8th dance. The pressure on the 6th grade boys was awful. They didn't want to go would have preferred a middle school Game Night/Carnival type event than a "real" dance. It end up being the typical boys on one side and girls on the other. Some school administrators do not seem to get it.
>Agree completely! Well written!!!
>I agree completely
As a sophomore in college who went to a small, private school (K-12) where dancing was a "sin," we didn't even have the opportunity to go to a formal event until junior year (unless asked by an upper classman freshman or sophomore year). My school never encouraged coupling off–they encouraged groups and having friends of both sexes. The farther I get away in my years from that school, the more I come to appreciate the "annoying" things and rules that we had to put up with.
>Completely unnecessary.
I agree. i mean why not?
the public school I transferred to after my hopeless Catholic school (the principle didn’t know how to deal with bullying) was great. It was where the majority of my friends where from Minor Hockey where and others that transferred from my catholic school earlier that year. In Gr 6 I had my first girlfriend and my second girlfriend. Although it may seem young this is where I learned some life skills and this was from of course the dances. I meet my first girlfriend at my first dance (Students from all 3 schools where invited) in October we lasted until January. I transferred to public school that February. It taught me that not everything lasts, that we can move on from that and not everything is like it seems (even those people you trust). It also taught me how to branch out more and be less introverted although I could talk to people I know personally for hr’s I was shy to those I didn’t know. I ended up doing more presentations including Reading of the Fallen in front of the town during Remembrance Day and introducing lectures including Holocaust survivor Eva Ollson and those dancing helped me to not be shy. I ended up being Student Body president graduating year of high school, If i wasn’t able to communicate well with others at the start of high school I might now have had that position.
In Elementary school I became communications rep for Student Council and I assisted in organizing the dances. We the students organized them under Teacher supervision and they were the work of the students. This also gave me more communication skills and planning and organizing skills that I still use to this day.
I agree with not dating until looking to wed however, I don’t think dances automatically encourage coupling. We had a concert at our church with both boys and girls and they all danced in big groups. Some girls danced together, guys had pop locking showdowns, the “old folks” did their thing and there was even a Soul Train line.
Everything’s not about sex or dating but also learning how to be friends with the opposite sex and have fun without necessarily looking for a relationship or sex. When the atmosphere is properly set and supervised by adults who understand how to stimulate healthy interactions, a dance is a great way to practice social skills in a relaxed and fun environment.
I think this is a great article! I like this blog, keep up the good writing Sister!
You are right on sister! I met my husband when I was 13 and NOTHING good happens in a dating relationship at 13! By the grace of God I didn’t get pregnant until we decided to start trying after we got married at 20, but WHO KNOWS what could have happened!
I really want you to watch this sermon!
http://www.calvarycch.org/media_center.php?video=1&p=GSX&s=482
There is a hidden agenda in our schools, and this lady tells about it. Scary stuff! Its reasons like this that I homeschool my 4 children, I figure, why fight and swim against the current everyday of what the schools and more importantly, the other kids, are trying to brainwash my kids with and just teach them the right way from the start? It works for our family and our kids are getting to experience childhood for much longer than I got to!
Anyhow, you are dead on!!!
I agree 100%. What’s worse, our small town starts these dances in 4th grade!!! That means 9/10 years olds, which is reckless. (Schools here are broken up into smaller secs, kindergarten & 1st in one building, 2nd & 3rd in another, 4th & 5th & 6th in another, etc) I hate to make our children stay home and be excluded from social activities because even that can cause rebellion later on. If it weren’t an option, there would be less headache. They do it to raise money but there are so many other alternatives and this just encourages KIDS to start planning relationship too early. So sad and frustrating.
I used to teach 5th and 6th grade students in a residential setting. I will never forget the day one of the boys at the lunch table shared with us that his older sister had gotten kicked out of a middle school dance for “making purple.”
Making purple? I instinctively asked, slightly afraid of the answer. “You know. Boys are blue and girls are pink and if they dance to close it makes purple. The teacher said they were making purple.”
I remember laughing as I shared the story with my co-workers mostly because they all had the same reaction as me and many were more facially expressive than I was able to be at the table. Its a look of shock and “I can’t believe…wait…what?” But the idea that at that age, kids were already getting kicked out of school dances for “making purple” has always struck me as sad really. The laughter was more a result of disbelief of the lack of innocence so early on, and creative wording given to the kids than anything.
Who says going to a dance means people have to “couple off”? THAT is a huge assumption on your part that is precisely what puts pressure into a situation that doesn’t need to be there. Why can’t it simply be a chance to be social? Sounds like the problem with expectation is you.
I am a middle schooler myself and i feel like it’s hard not to want o date because were “at that age” and then when one couple gets together the next people feels pressured to then get together and then after u know it the whole school has someone and i feel like my teacher’s has always said that we shouldn’t date at this age and they also say but its not up to them in which its not up to anyone except for u and ur parents.