I often get people asking me for tips for a successful marriage.
And so today, I thought I’d oblige with 25 of my favorite ones–some are funny, some are serious, but all are practical. Do them–and you’ll have a much more successful relationship. Here goes:
1. Talk to your spouse more kindly than you talk to anyone else in the world. Too often we speak the most harshly to those closest to us.
2. Remember that marriage is less about marrying the right person and more about becoming the right person.
3. Don’t forget to laugh. Most couples spend the majority of their time talking logistics: who’s doing the grocery shopping, who’s calling the repairman, who’s picking up the kids. A relationship can’t survive on logistics. Have a water fight instead.
4. She needs you to be her best friend. Everyday, talk to her and tell her what you’re thinking. Even if you don’t think you’re thinking about anything. She needs to hear your heart.
5. He needs you to be his cheerleader. Let him know you believe he can take on the world.
6. Find ways to say “I love you” that don’t involve sex.
7. When you dress up, make sure the main person you’re dressing up for is him. And put on lipstick.
8. Leave the toilet seat down.
9. Forgiving means not bringing that old infraction up every time you have a new fight. Let it go.
10. If it’s not solved at 2:30 a.m., it’s not going to be solved at 3:00 a.m. either. Go to sleep. You can deal with it tomorrow, assuming you even remember what the fight was about.
11. When you’re having an argument, listen to understand, don’t listen to find loopholes so you can win. Marriage is either a win/win or a lose/lose. You can’t win by beating someone else down.
12. Your kids come second, not first. Your marriage needs to be number one. Your spouse was there before the kids and will be there after the kids move out. Work on that relationship first.
13. If you haven’t fully committed to your marriage, it won’t succeed. If you’re always testing your spouse, your spouse will always come up short. No one is perfect.
14. You will never drift together. People only ever drift apart. If you want to grow closer, you have to be intentional about it.
15. Let her cry. She needs to every now and then.
16. Don’t bug him if he doesn’t cry. Some men just don’t show their feelings. That’s why they’re men.
17. Don’t say everything that’s on your mind. More marriages would survive if more things went unsaid.
18. Let her be your every fantasy. Keep your eyeballs off everyone else.
19. Let him be your every fantasy. Keep your eyeballs off romance novels.
20. Don’t think he’s gross if he farts. Don’t think she’s pathetic if she obsesses over paint colours. You married someone of the opposite gender. That’s what life is about.
21. Don’t run to your mom if your spouse does something you don’t like. You’re a unit now. Act like it.
22. Make one of your favourite topics of conversation how much you admire your spouse. Tell your kids. Tell your friends. And let your spouse hear.
23. Men would be ecstatic if women showed up naked and brought food. Most women need more than that. Men, make it your goal in life to figure her out. Woo her. She’s worth it.
24. Say yes far more frequently than you say no.
And finally, for you women:
25. Jump him. Not just for him, but for yourself too.
If you have trouble “jumping him” (#25), Sheila’s new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, goes into how to create a truly intimate relationship on three levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. And my 31 Days to Great Sex ebook gives you 31 days of challenges to work through as a couple.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Oh I love love LOVE this list!!!
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!!!
Much Love,
Courtney
http://www.womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com
>"2. Remember that marriage is less about marrying the right person and more about becoming the right person."
Just starting to write my own post today about why my husband does not make me happy. 😀 And it all comes back around to my heart and being all that I am called to be. Thanks for the reassurance.
>Oh, yes, there is some good stuff here!
>"7. When you dress up, make sure the main person you’re dressing up for is him. And put on lipstick."
If he likes lipstick. 🙂
I thought the same thing. 🙂
My husband can’t stand lipstick. That’s okay, I’ve never worn it before anyway.
AGREED! I despise lipstick.
The darker the lipstick the more I think it reminds me of a clown.
Am I attracted to clowns?!
I apologize if you find it “sexy and attractive”k.
One of the things I noticed about my future wife, and was thrilled by it, was that she did not wear make-up. I thought, “I know what I am getting with her”.
Now that we are both seniors the benefits are becoming obvious. She looks younger than other women of similar age who have used make-up all their lives. (I am not trying to upset women who do use make-up, I am just speaking from experience with my own wife.)
None use of make-up has great financial benefits too.
I was taught that too, that non-use of make up has it’s benefits!
Just a follow up. After 40 years I am more madly in love with her than ever! I still think she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
That’s awesome, so sweet <3 @P happy 42nd year 🙂 !
>Love these. Going to try a few myself today. wink wink!
>Thank you!
http://www.chatswithanoldlady.com
>Love these! Thanks!
I'm totally going ot get my husband to read them 🙂
>Yes, yes, yes!
True and funny!
Julie
>This is a fantastic list!!!
>These are great! Too hard to pick a favorite – they're all so important and I wish I had known them 10 years ago. However, it's never too late to start.
I have two family members getting married this summer, I was wondering if I could have your permission to print these up and present the list to them (with proper credit, of course!)? Thanks ~ Heather
>Somebody had this article posted on fb and I linked over. Very good! Worth reading and passing around!
>I love this, and will be sending it out to everyone I know who is getting married and to those who are struggling to stay married. You really hit the nail on the head!
>Great tips! Thanks! I'll probably link to these tomorrow.
>I love this list. My favorite is number 12. I think a lot of times we get wrapped up in our children and forget about our spouse. I have worked very hard not to do that.
>Definitely #14! "14. You will never drift together. People only ever drift apart. If you want to grow closer, you have to be intentional about it."
And it has to be a constant thing. If you wait too long the chasm becomes increasingly difficult to reach across.
Love love love this list! Although, I have to disagree a *little* with #19. As a writer of romance for the Christian market, I think wholesome, realistic romance novels are acceptable. Stay away from the smut.
Best marriage advice I have ever read!!!
Faaaa-bulous list! Happy loving, everyone! 🙂
I like post #17: Don’t say everything that is on your mind. I think this is especially true if you are experiencing moodiness due to the time of the month or perimenopause.
#12 is my favorite. I’ve always said this. Pin’d ya! Thank you!
I love the part of speaking highly of your spouse and telling everyone how great they are so they can see that you really do care enough to tell the world they are still your every thing. I love hearing older couples tell people how much that their spouse does for them and how much they love them. To me it shows me that even after so long they can still be turned on by that person just in the little things they do.
My favorites from this list are 14 (drifting) and 17 (not saying everything you think). Many valuable viewpoints here. Thank you for sharing!
#12 i never though of it like that!
#12 “Kids are second” & #21 “Don’t run to mom.” Great tips!
I to add the lipstick a little more often. We need to work on spoiling each other and not our children. Great post. I’m pinning!!
Blessings~
Alethea
I’ve been reading your blogs. What about when he won’t have sex. He is supposedly attracted to me (hard to believe though since we have sex so little)
Communication sucks. (Sorry for being blunt) He talks/yells; won’t listen. I’m so frustrated; emotionally and sexually.
I have mentors & wise counsels (& ppl like you that God works through) but I really am at my breaking point.
Hi there,
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this! It’s actually far more common than people realize, and I’ve written a few blog series on it. You can find one here. I hope that helps! It gives suggestions on how to talk to him about it, what to do, and when you just seriously need an intervention.
I think you have to sit by him and do everything possible to make him feel your presence
I feel for you, Anonymous, I have been there and am still finding my way through thanks to Family Life Today Podcasts on the subject of marriage where I discovered Sheila’s helpful blog and other authors of insightful writings on the topic. A book I am currently reading and am completely blown away by is titled, “What did you Expect? Redeeming the realities of Marriage” by Paul Tripp. I’m really thankful for this blog. Sheila has many helpful articles and books that have really made a difference in my marriage. The more you dig and learn on the subject the better you become equipped to make real change. The best advice I have found is to begin with taking responsibility for self and recognize how you may be negatively impacting your relationship first- keep working towards being the person you know you should be to help get the ship turning in the right direction. “The Controlling Husband” by Dr. Ron Welch and “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick are also really helpful if anger and intimidation is a normal reaction you have to face regularly from your spouse. My two cents.
Hi Sheila!
I got married 6 months ago, and I believe your blog has helped me so much already!
My husband has seemed somewhat discouraged recently because we are renting a house without AC (in Texas), he doesn’t get paid as much as he would like, and he wants to get a better job, etc. He has such a burden to carry. I am happy where we are and I know things will get better.
I want to COMMUNICATE CONFIDENCE IN MY MAN and what he is about and “be his cheerleader” like you said in #5, but my husband is not the type that really responds to spoken words of affirmation. I need to find another way to let him know he’s doing an awesome job.
Are there other ways I can communicate this to him so that he’ll understand?
Great question, Lissa! I should write a post on that.
Quick thoughts:
1. Express gratitude not TO him all the time, but just in general. “I’m so glad that we have a place to live.” “I’m so glad that we’re building our lives together.” “I’m so glad God has blessed us with this amazing country to live in.” Express your feeling of contentment in your circumstances. Pray these things out loud, too.
2. Tell others the same thing, especially when he will hear!
3. Have sex lots. 🙂
4. Ask what things you can do to support him. Would he like you to budget better? Are there areas that you can help him? Ask him how you can support him in his plans. Don’t take over, or say “I think we need to do this”, but say, “you’re doing such a great job. I want to help, but I don’t know where to start. What things can I do to support you?”
I hope that helps!
This is great. Good to read everyday with your spouse.
There were some great tips that I will try right now – hope they work 🙂 Well, if they don’t work right away I think they will in time because my partner may get suspicious when I do something differently all of a sudden. Also, I think that the recipe for a happy marriage is to fulfill your own needs. Also, to look at your partner as you did when you once met – when you saw him/her as the most beautiful and amazing person in the world – then you bring out the best in your spouse. It may take some practice though. It’s important to feel good about yourself if you want to see that this wonderful person still exists 🙂
#26. Don’t be afraid to apologize!
I know this list is meant to encourage and help relationships, but it can be frustrating for someone who tries to do them and feels stuck. Everyone ALWAYS says to be HIS cheerleader. I’ve tried to support him and be his cheerleader for 20 years. I guess I could use some of that support and cheerleading from him. Maybe everyone assumes wives get it from their girlfriends, mom, sisters, etc. but we have moved so much it’s hard to have close girlfriends and even though I’m close with one sister, she’s far away and HE is supposed to be my best friend who is always geographically near. No one can be what he can be for me. (Lest you assume I cling to my sister and push him away–I am careful to make sure he never thinks she is all my support and such–I rarely mention her and limit our phone calls to be during his work time only; she’s always lived too far away to visit—I’ve seen her about 5 or 6 times since we’ve been married).
Trying to hang in there, but it seems I’m trying to do all the things I read about and he does none of them. I’ve read a lot of your blog, a million other blogs and a zillion books. I try so many of these things, I feel like I spend more time thinking, praying and doing for him/our marriage and our 7 kids and it’s just not humanly possible to do it with just me trying. I don’t really expect you to have answers for me with so many issues involved. Just venting frustration—that cheerleading thing really hit a nerve, as no one EVER says HE should be his wife’s cheerleader also.
Wow, so I know your post is almost a year old but I’m sitting here this morning feeling the same kind of way. Where is MY cheerleader? Seems only my kids and my family members are my cheerleaders.
I love these and will certainly share with my husband. I also like the idea of making a printed list (with credit) to include in my cards for friends and family that are getting married.
On the part about keeping your eyes off romance novels:
I don’t read them too often, but historical romance is my choice of reading material more often times than not. I read the 50 Shades of Grey series twice on my own. My husband,being curious as to what all the hoopla was about, agreed to read the series with me (on my 3rd time). Each night we read a chapter aloud, taking turns being the reader. It was fun and had many benefits (wink, wink). We discussed the character’s relationship which brought up our own. We became much closer over that time period and enjoyed the activity so much and how close it brought us that we are planning to start another book together soon…this time one of his choosing.
Thanks for posting these.
Love most of these but not sure about 17. I think sometimes we let the little things pass until they become the big things. More about how you say it. How does he know it drives you crazy that he doesn’t use coasters unless you tell him? You are part of each other now share with each lovingly and without malice and it should bring you together not apart. At least that’s been our experiance.
Spot on with this write-up, I really believe this web site needs far more attention. I’ll probably be returning
to read through more, thanks for the advice!