I’m a big believer in helping your children learn to do chores! It’s important for character development, for training for independence, and for your own sanity!
Unfortunately, if you haven’t inculcated these chores when kids are young, it’s harder when they’re older. I recently received an email from a woman wondering what to do with a 23-year-old son who is living in their basement. He doesn’t clean his bathroom, doesn’t change his sheets, and doesn’t do much of anything. The husband also expects this woman to clean up after the adult son. What is she to do?
Here’s the email I sent her:
That is a tough problem! It sounds like you have several issues:
1. Your children believe it’s your job to clean up after them.
2. Your husband believes it’s your job to clean up after them.
3. You’re worried about your children’s ability to be independent.
I would say that there’s also a fourth issue—your children need to learn to care for others, and not take others for granted, and the best way to do that is to do chores!
It’s hard to get kids to do chores when they’re in their 20s if they haven’t been doing them all along. It’s especially hard if your husband isn’t really on board. But I would suggest that you start presenting this as “Everybody in this house helps out because we all have a lot to do. We all need to learn to clean up after ourselves and look after ourselves.”
Don’t do it because “I’m sick of cleaning up after you all”, but do it because it’s good for THEM. It’s good for them for several reasons: first, they do learn independence and how to care for themselves. Second, their relationships later in life will be stronger, because it’s rare to enter into any long-term marriage relationship today and have the other person willing to bear the entire burden of housework alone. Most people expect it to be shared, and if they marry someone who doesn’t know how to clean, or who assumes that someone else will do everything, that relationship is going to be very strained.
Finally, it’s good for them because it teaches them to be responsible for their own actions, something that is key if anyone is going to develop a strong moral core. If people assume that someone else will always clean up their messes, then after a while they stop noticing their messes. They don’t even see how they are inconveniencing others. They assume someone else will be there to fix the things they don’t like. And that’s not healthy.
Since your son is already well into his twenties, it’s going to be hard to stop this pattern. But you have to try. I would start with having a talk with him and setting new ground rules for what it means to live in your house. He is, after all, an adult, and you are doing him a favour by letting him live there. It’s time for him to start acting like one. Why not set up a chore chart for everyone in the house that they have to follow? I have some free ones you can download here that are helpful. Talk through the expectations you have of him, and explain that you want these chores done every week. I don’t know if you’re charging him rent or not to live in the house, but if you are, I would also tell him that doing chores is part of that deal. And if he can’t live up to the deal, then he needs to find somewhere else to live. It’s not pretty, and you’ll need your husband’s support, but it really does need to be done.
If your husband is undermining you in front of your son, then I would recommend talking with your husband and explaining your reasons for wanting him to pick up after himself and clean up after himself. It isn’t because you’re being selfish; it’s actually because you’re thinking of your son’s future relationships and future independence. Hopefully he will understand. I know it’s hard, because sometimes husbands don’t understand, and then they think that your sole job in life is doing everything for your kids, but I don’t think that’s what God intended. God put us on this earth to raise responsible, independent, godly people, not to pamper our kids. I hope that your husband can understand that, but if not, I would suggest that you just keep talking about it, little by little, because it is important to you.
Ask your husband what he wants for your son. What does he want your son’s relationships to look like? What does he hope for your son in terms of jobs, or independence, or morality? What is he looking for there? And then ask your husband if you think that you’re on the road to leading your son in that direction. If your son is going to lead a family one day, and raise kids of his own, then he needs to start learning to take responsibility now.
I hope that helps! The key is to keep talking with your husband so that you can present a united front. So pray about it, be gentle, and be clear why you want to make the change—for your son’s good, not yours!
Now, for the rest of you, what would you say to this woman? Do you have any thoughts on how to get adult children to start doing chores? I’d love to hear them!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Shiela,
I have to tell you… I hear about situations like that and I get angry!
Angry with the son for being so lazy, disrespectful, and selfish. Angry with the dad for encouraging that kind of foolishness. And angry with the mom that it ever got to that point.
You're so calm and encouraging!
I think I'm more of a drill sergeant. (BTW, I'm assuming that the son is not disabled, or recovering from some horrible illness, or otherwise unable to work or help…)
Frankly, I don't think she's going to make much headway with the boy if the husband isn't on board, and your ideas for ways to approach him are sound. The boy, (because he's clearly not a man, even if he's 23), needs to develop some basic life skills and soon. And – if the dad will allow it – the mom needs to very quickly clear up any misunderstanding about the way things work around the house.
As far as I'm concerned, if you live under someone else's roof, you are obligated to abide by their terms no matter your age. It's their house. It's their rules. And if he doesn't like it, he's perfectly free to go elsewhere.
In my family, we could live at home rent-free as long as we were going to school. And I did. That was my parents' much-appreciated contribution to my education. It was assumed that I would do the things you mentioned – my own laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuum, "tidy", and help around the house. (We could also live at home and work, but then we would pay rent. Cheaper than an apartment, but helped with the bills.) Either way, it was assumed that if we lived in our parents' house, we conformed to their standards – whether that meant house-hold chores, general behavior, guests, or just plain common courtesy. It's their house.
If it were me…
#1 The son pays rent. Immediately and every month.
#2 If he wishes to live under Mom's roof, he will perform certain chores/jobs around the house at a frequency (and a standard) that is satisfactory to Mom.
The real questions are – will the husband get on board? and do they have the strength of will to enforce it?
Life is too short to try and train an adult. I will tell the husband that he has to move elsewhere.
Lol. Love it! If only it was enforceable.
Well put stay strong together,or it will not work.
>Aack! And I'm sorry I spelled your name wrong!
I have a good friend that is "Shiela".
>Herding Grasshoppers–
You made me laugh!
I probably would be a lot tougher with a kid like this if we were in person, and I certainly would be a drill sergeant with my own family!
But from this woman's story, it was clear that her husband wasn't on board. And in that case, the real question is not "what should be done" but really "what is possible to accomplish to get everybody as close to what "should be" as we can". In other words, it's how it's possible to move in the other direction, not just what "should be done".
You obviously get that, but that's why perhaps I don't sound as harsh as I actually am! I think in most situations like this, getting the husband on board is the #1 priority. And, as in most relationship issues, it's also the hardest!
>You're so right 😀
Thanks for your graciousness to my rather… ahem… lengthy response.
Question… in a case like that, would you prefer that people leave a long response, or blog about it on their own space and leave you a link?
Not sure of "blog etiquette",
Julie
>Julie–
I LOVE long comments! I think it makes it more interesting! Not sure if that's the "proper" blog etiquette, but I like getting discussions going!
You can always write your own blog post and link up, too, but I sure don't mind people chiming in!
I was thinking about what you said, too, and I think I may write a post soon on "what I wish I could say to the men". Hmmmm……
>Loved Herding Grasshoppers comments. Cutting off our anger in its tracks and considering the issue from God's point of view is so much more helpful in the end. My reaction would have been cuff 'em all upside the head. But anger never really helps. It only makes me feel entitled and them defensive. Strong work, Sheila!
>Hi Sheila,
I have one of those husbands who expect women to do "woman's work." He's willing to to "man chores," like throwing out the garbage, cutting the lawn, shoveling snow, changing lightbulbs, and such. But do dishes? sweep? cook? shop? No way!
Interestingly, we shared chores up until our eldest was born. Then he went into "man" mode.
For five years I tried to talk with him about it and got almost nowhere, and it didn't matter much to him that I worked parttime earning money or that I cared for our child all day long. He wanted me to do what his mom did. This was his template.
So I had a decision to make: resent him or accept things.
I chose to accept things.
I am curious… what ever happened to that 23 year old son and his parents?
I’m a single mom – didn’t start that way but I am now… .to a 21 yr old girl and a 20 yr old boy – both in school, both live with me. BOTH are giving me a hard time – they don’t do much at all and when they do it’s all complaints and things just sit half done for days on end… as an example like the laundry sitting in different stages of being done… some in the machine… some dried, some half dried and some on the floor in the laundry room. Same thing happens in the kitchen, bathrooms etc. I try to talk to them about it… over and over again… but after some time I get so frustrated that I end up yelling and upsetting myself more than anyone. I’m tried of living like this… and I try to NOT pick up after them… but after a while… of trying to let it go… I get so sick of it that I just clean up. Is there an end to this? Some people tell me that – some day very soon… I’m going to miss all this and would gladly have it all back if only they’d still be with me. UGH!!!
I don’t know what happened to them. Perhaps the mom will write in again!
I think that line–“you’ll miss all this one day”–is overused. Will you miss your companionship with the kids? Probably. But that doesn’t mean that you should excuse laziness or disrespect today. That’s not the kind of people you want them to be.
Honestly, what I’d do with the laundry is if they don’t fold it or dry it or wash it is to dump it all inside of their rooms and close the door. Just get it out of your laundry room. And never, ever do their laundry. And if they put a load in the washer, and don’t move it to the dryer, and you now need to use the washer, out come the wet clothes, dumped on their floor.
Just make things into their problem. Right now those things are your problem–your laundry room is a mess. Make it their problem again.
If they leave dishes all over the house, put those dishes on their beds. If they don’t wash the evening dishes, make yourself dinner the next night but don’t make them any. Just let them own the problems in a way that doesn’t require more work or aggravation for you!
I am in this boat; stressed to the point of depression (I have military PTSD). My eldest daughter has always been a ‘handful’, difficult to follow house rules, chores and respect seems like a foreign concept to her. My two other children, complete opposites.
I’d agree with the live by my rules or move out. However, she has recently went into remission from stage 4 cancer, while I do not expect her to clean extensively, I do expect help, like picking up your things, dishes and the like. Simple right… No. She refuses and will even say she didn’t do it, she didn’t make the mess and expects her 18yr old sister to be her maid (she actually said yet).
I love the comment about putting the clothes back in their room, dishes ect. However I know that she doesn’t mind the mess, and the smell becomes over whelming. Sadly she has a 3yo she doesn’t want to take responsibility for either.
I have contemplated CPS
My husband recently passed away, and i have my 21 yr old granddaughter living with me.
she works pays no rent and stays at her boyfriends 4 or 5 days of the week, seems like just enough time spent away that she does nothing to be helpful. i wouldn’t mind not getting extra help, but have insisted she take care of the upstairs her living space, by vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom once a week which she doesn’t do. I have newer carpet and am having the bathroom remodeled. and resent thinking my long awaited nice upstairs guest area is not being respected or taken care of, I have had many conversations about what i expect and even told her i do not want to play the nagging parent role.
Now I’m thinking I need more leverage than nagging or conversations. Most of the time i talk to her i get excuses or polite acknowledgement but nothing changes.
Shelley, I’m so sorry about your husband’s passing. That’s a lot of stress to bear, especially if you feel that your grand-daughter is taking you for granted.
The only leverage you really have, though, is to say, “you can’t stay here anymore.” Until you’re prepared to do that, she likely will keep taking advantage of you.
So just saying, “My life has really changed since your grandfather passed away, and I can’t handle a lot of stress in my home right now. I’ve asked you repeatedly to do two tasks: vacuum and clean the bathroom. You haven’t done this. If I don’t see some improvement by (select a date), then I am going to have to start packing up your things and asking you to move out.” I know it sounds harsh, but it really does need to be done!
Best wishes to you!
Thank you Sheila for your 10/5/15 post. I followed your advice to the letter.
Shelly, this was the exact same thing I was going through. I say “was” because I followed Sheila’s 10/5/15 advice and my daughter is moving out 12/1/15. She simply refused to do the one thing we asked (no rent) which was to keep clothes off the floors. We were picking up her clothes and washing them because we needed to keep our sanity. The disrespect level rose to an amount we could not tolerate.
Wow! That’s great that your daughter is going to be independent. I know this must be a really hard time for you, but in the end, it’s good that your daughter learns to grow up and that you feel more peace.
my adult child used a messy bedroom as a power struggle all her life. now she is a college grad and due to student loan debt needed to live at home. after doing her laundry scattered all over the house and buying storage solutions that everyone would envy her sleeping area and our basement is piled horder high with mess. I told her she had to get out. she leaves next week. I am counting the minutes. If I were to raise her all over again, I should have thrown out every piece of clothing and given her one outfit that would always be clean. instead, she had too much stuff. I hate adhd.
36 yr old son his wife 35 and son 6 have lived with us for 7 years. Paid very little rent or bills, son has struggled with addictions has been clean 14 myths has a full time job at a hospital where his wife also works. I’m disabled an deal with pain issues but push myself to do to much around the house help out with grandson pick up from school watch him 4 hrs everyday that’s hard on me. Whenever I bring up the subject of my son helping me around the house to my wife it ends up in a fight,I asked to have him play with my dog because I was having a bad night and she came unglued said he’s worked all day and you expect him to play with your dog ? Really ! I worked same job 30 years coached baseball for him after work for 10 years took him fishing camping ect ect ect. Now I’m disabled and can’t get help. I guess I expect him to offer I shouldn’t have to ask. When I bring up the rent share bills thing my wife always says they are saving to move out and struggling. Really for 7 years. I’ve told her many times this is going to ruin us it’s gonna be me or him. We’ve been married for 33 years and do well financially and are involved in our church we serve as marriage indictment leaders. This issue has to go away or they need to help financial and physically around the house. But I can’t get my wife on my side about this, she loves that little grandson I think she’s afraid to let him move. What should I do ?
seriously, If your son is this old, still doesn’t act and your husband isn’t supporting you, maybe the husband is the culprit. Your son only stands a chance if you set him free, out and on his own two feet ASAP.
Sorry but you’re not helping anyone, especially your adult son, by pretending this isn’t a serious problem.
* I believe some men use a mothers frustration and need for support against her and intend to sabotage her relationships with her own children out of his own inability to face his fear failure as a parent. Many times the husband is insecure, weak and not emotionally available to be a fair and loving partner. Further, he is incapable of instilling the proper strengths and values in his children so the obvious target is the mother. It is narcissistic, sick and quite sad.
You have all been helpful to me today. In sheer desperation, I put the following in my google search bar: What to do when your adult kids constantly leave a mess in the kitchen.
Its not really the mess that bothers me. I’ve cleaned up 1000’s of times over their lifetime. Its the lack of respect for our home and …. for me. They are adults now – working, healthy adults. I was working, married and a mother by their age and putting myself through grad school. I was the 80’s “super mom”. But clearly, I went wrong somewhere.
My husband is a well educated, hard working, high earning professional. I left a lucrative job in mortgage banking to be a stay at home mom who still brought in sporadic part time income. I learned to be a stock trader while my kids were at soccer practice or karate class or with their math tutor. It was a difficult adjustment not to have a outside employment at first, but I thought I did a great job not only raising my kids, but also helping out with many other facets of our lives including making successful income generating investments. My husband is a terrible investor, but thankfully, I’m a very good one and more than make up for his losses which I am always sure to praise him for, because after all, we cant do any of this without his consistent work and income. He is very good at being reliable and getting things done. Our combination of talent and education has undoubtedly made us successful, for the most part. Most people would say we have ‘made it’ and would envy the life we have, but that is because they judge our success by our material possessions, marital longevity, our persistence and determination to succeed and our philanthropic generosity. But what is success? We put ourselves through undergrad and grad school and when it came time for our kids to go to college, they went to top 20 schools and we paid for them all. My ‘kids’ ages range from 28-32 and they are working and making money commensurate with their education. We live in an expensive area so they are living at home with us to save money and its now going on 10 yrs for one of our “kids”. We have had our wonderful moments when we have loved living together because we have gotten to know each other better, and because I felt like I was really helping them while most of our peers were kicking their adult kids out (with mixed results ranging from dropping out of college, suicide, drug & alcohol addiction, early marriage & divorce). By now you’re thinking “what is she complaining about?” The truth is that though our adult children live with us, it no longer feels right anymore. It doesn’t feel good, I feel like an enabler. Coming back home to live and save money until they could get independent turned into almost 10 yrs. And this is their home now. They dont bring dates home to meet us because I think its embarrassing for them and they are not dating anyone that they would like us to meet. Yet, living here with us has become comfortable and easy, we provide food, shelter, entertainment, family vacations in an attempt to keep our family together. This doesnt bring words of praise or gratitude however. If I say this is my home and my rules, they shout back this is their home. My attempts to bring up moving on with their lives as they originally intended, is now met with disdain and resistance. I have become persona non grata. And worse, I feel estranged from them. They rarely speak to me and one doesnt even look at me when we do speak. Living together, they have frustrations of their own and they have come to blame me for a great deal of their shortcomings. Until just a few years ago, I was always proud of the mother I became. No longer out in the workforce and in love with my children, being a mother was my identity. Every thing I did, every decision I made, was intended and connected to making their lives better. I loved being a mother. But now, I cant believe I’m saying this, but I hate it. My adult children have shown me little respect and even less kindness. I have read books to try to improve myself in their eyes. I have accepted their hateful comments. These days, I am barely more than the woman of this house. I am a burden to them. They rarely answer my texts or emails and usually with one or two words. When I fell ill or had a terrible accident, they never so much as inquired to how I was or even my progress. They live on one side of the house and I live on the other, so it would not be far to walk over and visit me. Where ever they have been in this big house – they usually leave a mess behind and resent me if I asked them to pick up after themselves. My husband never corrects them and will spare no words in admonishing me in front of them if I reproach them for the messes they leave behind or to participate in helping out. Sometimes they all feel like a party together, they get in the spa, watch movies outside, play video games incessantly and get drunk together at least once a month. I try to stay away from them then because they get verbally abusive. I blame myself for how they’ve turned out. And they have told me that their deficits are my fault. I accept that. And have been living in misery for the past 5-10 years and have no idea when things will be better or if my children will ever truly grow up, become independent and leave. I have talked to my husband and pleaded with him to help our children find joy and self esteem in their own independence. But he believes that as long as they wish to stay with us, they can. I am filled with deep shame for living like this. Our family and friends think we are so successful – financially perhaps, but not spiritually (we dont attend church anymore) and not inter personally – we barely greet each other in the morning. The truth is that I feel like a failure and my once high hopes of having a great family has diminished considerably. I am paralyzed with fear to say anything to my family as my past attempts have been belittled and they blame for our current state. As proof – they get along splendidly with my husband and spend as little time talking to or looking at me as possible. I am so ashamed that my own children dislike and avoid me, I know deep down it isn’t all me, but I blame myself none the less. I am caught between a rock and a hard place with no way other way to keep the peace except to say nothing. At times, I’ve been paralyzed with fear to go out into the world. Some days seem so hopeless. I cant help but wonder if there are others like me out there. People who loved their children, tried to teach them good values by example, provided a good life and promising future and be at the place that i am today.
I have come to the conclusion that great families take a long time to become that way, the best ones usually have passed their loving traits down to their children. One must teach their children while they are very young and help form their character. And one must have a partner that that is united with you in this. If you do not have a united partner – raising children to become truly successful adults is very very difficult and you will have less than stellar results and you will have to accept the outcome. If this depresses you to the point of not wanting to live, you must go out into the world and find a way to contribute good to others who need it. Giving to others who are less fortunate, helping them can be a lifesaver. Friends and even acquaintances can be a lifesaver. Praying helps me get through the days. and gives me hope. Nothing can take away the deep loneliness or shame, but these other things can help.
All this from discovering my adult children left a mess (for the 500th time) in my kitchen this morning.
Michelle, I am so sorry to hear that your children’s selfish disregard has hurt you so deeply. I understand how you must feel, but you should not continue blaming yourself. They are grown adults. And they have to learn to take responsibility for their own flaws–not blame it on their mother. If they were living with ANYONE else, they would probably blame them instead.
I stumbled onto this page in a similar fashion…only I google searched “Adult Children as Roommates”. Honestly, your kids sound a lot like my current roommates. One of them is an old friend from college and the other one is his younger brother who is on the cusp of graduating with his Bachelor’s. Our ages range from (22-25) and we’ve been living together for over a year now. Overall, we get along fairly well. My main problem with them is how inconsiderate, irresponsible, and lazy they both are…
For a time, I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning for the household before and after school/work. This went on for about 10 months before I realized that I was enabling their bad behavior. When it was their turn to take care of things, you know what they did? Nothing. All they would do is just sit around smoking weed, playing video games on their expensive PC’s, and waited until I would eventually cave and do what I always did. I felt like their mom whenever I had to remind them to clean up after themselves.
Long story short, cut the umbilical cord with your children. It doesn’t matter how much money you’re saving them because it comes at a much steeper cost. The trade-off is not worth their loss of character. They clearly do not respect you, your home, nor any of the sacrifices you may have made for them as a mother. Be strong. You have done your part. It’s time for them to spread their wings.
Great advice, Anthony! You sound like you’d be a great roommate, by the way. 🙂
Michelle! I am in a similar situation as you are only my daughters are 19 and 18,I am divorce and broke. My daughters don’t care about me at all, all they want is what I can give them. The 19 is pregnant living with the in laws , and doesn’t appreciate all the sacrifices I done for her to keep her up float going to school and life. My youngest doesn’t want to move a finger in the house and when I am out of money expects me to but her things without earning them, and didn’t care that I can afford them. I feel hurt and betrayed by my own daughters, for their selfish ways and how they treat me. Both of them have disrespect me before, the oldest keeps saying to me you are dull, stupid and I mature! It hurts so much. You are not alone, but this new generations think th t we parents have to provide them with everything and feel and show little respect for the most important pilar of the family that is us -mothers. you are not alone, but you have to be syringe and stand to your husband and kids, otherwise this will continue. If it was me I would talk to the husband and put all my cards on the table. If you all are as suc essful as you are is thanks to you! Give yourself some credit, and give some time for yourself. Love your self and do things like go on little vacation, take some classes, what ever you can do for you to feel good ! Don’t cater to them at all, if the want a nice clean house they can pay for a maid. There are many things you can do if you step out of your safe zone ! I am to begin my self some of that as I have to deal with my daughters. Me deserve respect, love , and appreciation. Anything less than that is not acceptable, and we shouldn’t put up with it at all. God bless and be stronge!
This interesting. My situation is opposite. My adult brother and I live with our mother for financial reasons. Mind you we pay rent, bills, contribute to buying/cooking food etc. We have always cleaned up around the house as we had chores and as adults because who wants to live in a dirty house. Some of us had those chores longer than the other due to birth order. However, I am currently baffled at the messes our mother leaves around the house that she expects us to clean up. For example, she will leave/make a sink full of dishes and expect one of us to wash them or she will leave items on the floor (sometimes small scraps of paper) all just to see if anyone will pick it up. My thought is that she is trying to assert that she still has “power/control” over us. This really shows when she requests/demands something be done before one of us leaves for somewhere as we are getting ready to walk out the door. My brother is constantly reminding her that she should not make plans for someone else because she may not receive the reaction she thought she would, but she continues to make plans for other people.
So what say you? How do adult “children” get their adult parents to cleanup after themselves? Or help the parents to understand they have to let go of the desire to control their kids?