I’m a big believer in helping your children learn to do chores!
It’s important for character development, for training for independence, and for your own sanity!
Unfortunately, if you haven’t inculcated these chores when kids are young, it’s harder when they’re older. I recently received an email from a woman wondering what to do with a 23-year-old son who is living in their basement. He doesn’t clean his bathroom, doesn’t change his sheets, and doesn’t do much of anything. The husband also expects this woman to clean up after the adult son. What is she to do?
Here’s the email I sent her:
That is a tough problem! It sounds like you have several issues:
1. Your children believe it’s your job to clean up after them.
2. Your husband believes it’s your job to clean up after them.
3. You’re worried about your children’s ability to be independent.
I would say that there’s also a fourth issue—your children need to learn to care for others, and not take others for granted, and the best way to do that is to do chores!
It’s hard to get kids to do chores when they’re in their 20s if they haven’t been doing them all along.
It’s especially hard if your husband isn’t really on board. But I would suggest that you start presenting this as “Everybody in this house helps out because we all have a lot to do. We all need to learn to clean up after ourselves and look after ourselves.”
Don’t do it because “I’m sick of cleaning up after you all”, but do it because it’s good for THEM. It’s good for them for several reasons: first, they do learn independence and how to care for themselves. Second, their relationships later in life will be stronger, because it’s rare to enter into any long-term marriage relationship today and have the other person willing to bear the entire burden of housework alone. Most people expect it to be shared, and if they marry someone who doesn’t know how to clean, or who assumes that someone else will do everything, that relationship is going to be very strained.
Finally, it’s good for them because it teaches them to be responsible for their own actions, something that is key if anyone is going to develop a strong moral core. If people assume that someone else will always clean up their messes, then after a while they stop noticing their messes. They don’t even see how they are inconveniencing others. They assume someone else will be there to fix the things they don’t like. And that’s not healthy.
Since your son is already well into his twenties, it’s going to be hard to stop this pattern. But you have to try. I would start with having a talk with him and setting new ground rules for what it means to live in your house. He is, after all, an adult, and you are doing him a favour by letting him live there. It’s time for him to start acting like one. Why not set up a chore chart for everyone in the house that they have to follow? Talk through the expectations you have of him, and explain that you want these chores done every week. I don’t know if you’re charging him rent or not to live in the house, but if you are, I would also tell him that doing chores is part of that deal. And if he can’t live up to the deal, then he needs to find somewhere else to live. It’s not pretty, and you’ll need your husband’s support, but it really does need to be done.
If your husband is undermining you in front of your son, then I would recommend talking with your husband and explaining your reasons for wanting him to pick up after himself and clean up after himself. It isn’t because you’re being selfish; it’s actually because you’re thinking of your son’s future relationships and future independence. Hopefully he will understand. I know it’s hard, because sometimes husbands don’t understand, and then they think that your sole job in life is doing everything for your kids, but I don’t think that’s what God intended. God put us on this earth to raise responsible, independent, godly people, not to pamper our kids. I hope that your husband can understand that, but if not, I would suggest that you just keep talking about it, little by little, because it is important to you.
Ask your husband what he wants for your son.
What does he want your son’s relationships to look like? What does he hope for your son in terms of jobs, or independence, or morality? What is he looking for there? And then ask your husband if you think that you’re on the road to leading your son in that direction. If your son is going to lead a family one day, and raise kids of his own, then he needs to start learning to take responsibility now.
I hope that helps! The key is to keep talking with your husband so that you can present a united front. So pray about it, be gentle, and be clear why you want to make the change—for your son’s good, not yours!
Now, for the rest of you, what would you say to this woman? Do you have any thoughts on how to get adult children to start doing chores? I’d love to hear them!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Shiela,
I have to tell you… I hear about situations like that and I get angry!
Angry with the son for being so lazy, disrespectful, and selfish. Angry with the dad for encouraging that kind of foolishness. And angry with the mom that it ever got to that point.
You're so calm and encouraging!
I think I'm more of a drill sergeant. (BTW, I'm assuming that the son is not disabled, or recovering from some horrible illness, or otherwise unable to work or help…)
Frankly, I don't think she's going to make much headway with the boy if the husband isn't on board, and your ideas for ways to approach him are sound. The boy, (because he's clearly not a man, even if he's 23), needs to develop some basic life skills and soon. And – if the dad will allow it – the mom needs to very quickly clear up any misunderstanding about the way things work around the house.
As far as I'm concerned, if you live under someone else's roof, you are obligated to abide by their terms no matter your age. It's their house. It's their rules. And if he doesn't like it, he's perfectly free to go elsewhere.
In my family, we could live at home rent-free as long as we were going to school. And I did. That was my parents' much-appreciated contribution to my education. It was assumed that I would do the things you mentioned – my own laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuum, "tidy", and help around the house. (We could also live at home and work, but then we would pay rent. Cheaper than an apartment, but helped with the bills.) Either way, it was assumed that if we lived in our parents' house, we conformed to their standards – whether that meant house-hold chores, general behavior, guests, or just plain common courtesy. It's their house.
If it were me…
#1 The son pays rent. Immediately and every month.
#2 If he wishes to live under Mom's roof, he will perform certain chores/jobs around the house at a frequency (and a standard) that is satisfactory to Mom.
The real questions are – will the husband get on board? and do they have the strength of will to enforce it?
Life is too short to try and train an adult. I will tell the husband that he has to move elsewhere.
Lol. Love it! If only it was enforceable.
Well put stay strong together,or it will not work.
My boyfriend is on the road all the time. He’s a truck driver and he is home one or two days a week. He has two adult children living at home. A daughter 22 and a son 26. He comes home to a dirty house. Clothes all over the house. Dirty dishes in the sink. Food all over the counter where they will not wipe up. I have tried to get him to get his adult children to clean up after themselves but it never works. He’s on the road so it’s hard for him to encourage them to do so. The daughter has a so called job but the son stays up all night and sleeps all day. I don’t know what else to say or do to get him to budge his adult children in the right direction.
I have a 20 yr old that lives at home and mom says she is depressed and pulls the card every time I ask for help. MOm is not on board and she is a slob. Our relationship is very drained now, and I don’t know what to do!
Funny thing. My wife thought it was crazy of me to ask her son .. My stepson and his baby momma living with us to pick up after themselves. Every time I asked her to talk to them about it she will make up some story on how I’m being hard on them and I’m pushing people away. That including her grandson and saying how I don’t want them with us and I’m hurting her chance at being a supportive grandmother. And so she said I will do their dishes and clean up after them ..its not fair I have to not see my grandson because you constantly ask them to wash their dishes. Took me for a loop and then made me out a monster. Said I never wanted her kids with us and how I didn’t want a family. Even mentioned that if I didn’t stop this because her son and girlfriend would go stay at her mom’s after id ask them to clean their mess up that I would have to find somewhere else to go. We’re two women who have been living together for 7 years. And she bought the house and so I have no rights to it regardless. We’re not married and so my opinions don’t count and what she says goes. She has spoiled her 20 yr old son since I can remember. We have had a lot of ups and downs with him growing up and being a meth addict. Now hes recovered but he and his girlfriend drink about every day and so that leaves them not being able to get up when baby needs to feed or is crying. She had a full on argument over them not tending to the baby’s needs. And so they left and took the baby to stay with her mom cause they don’t like being told anything. So now theyve returned and in the bad guy for asking them to clean up after themselves. I usually take the trash out and recycling because she will not burden him to take it out. Neither lift a finger nor contribute anything other than not taking the baby from her. So we had it out and she said if I can’t compromise and stop asking them to do anything I need to go. Because god forbid she ask them to lift a finger. Then on our days off shell suggest her and I clean and without them picking up any thing. So frustrating and now I am asked to move out because I’m of fending his girlfriend. 😣
This is a rather black and white situation, it seems to me: these two young people are not capable of raising a child. They are not safe. They are not going to get safe by being enabled. So you need to decide on some firm boundaries for the sake of the child, who needs people caring for him that are safe. Personally, I would refuse to give them a place to live, but say that I will take the child while they get themselves sorted out. and then call child’s services and get that put into writing that you’re the guardian. But that child’s welfare comes before any of the other considerations here.
I’d highly suggest reading the book Boundaries. It’s really good, and definitely applies to your situation!
Boundaries is a great book! Reading it changed my life!
Save, yourself. If she really loves you its just not that hard for any able body to clean up behind themselves. Maybe if you took her up on her offer and leave; you will be a happier you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have 2 more months for my older son to graduate from college. I can’t hardly wait for him to get a real job and his own place. I’m going to keep praying for him and me for this to happen.
>Aack! And I'm sorry I spelled your name wrong!
I have a good friend that is "Shiela".
>Herding Grasshoppers–
You made me laugh!
I probably would be a lot tougher with a kid like this if we were in person, and I certainly would be a drill sergeant with my own family!
But from this woman's story, it was clear that her husband wasn't on board. And in that case, the real question is not "what should be done" but really "what is possible to accomplish to get everybody as close to what "should be" as we can". In other words, it's how it's possible to move in the other direction, not just what "should be done".
You obviously get that, but that's why perhaps I don't sound as harsh as I actually am! I think in most situations like this, getting the husband on board is the #1 priority. And, as in most relationship issues, it's also the hardest!
I did not have such a huge problem until my grandson started working full time. A few hours after he cleans up once a week his room and bathroom are trashed and totally unacceptable. I do need help with a strategy.
>You're so right 😀
Thanks for your graciousness to my rather… ahem… lengthy response.
Question… in a case like that, would you prefer that people leave a long response, or blog about it on their own space and leave you a link?
Not sure of "blog etiquette",
Julie
>Julie–
I LOVE long comments! I think it makes it more interesting! Not sure if that's the "proper" blog etiquette, but I like getting discussions going!
You can always write your own blog post and link up, too, but I sure don't mind people chiming in!
I was thinking about what you said, too, and I think I may write a post soon on "what I wish I could say to the men". Hmmmm……
>Loved Herding Grasshoppers comments. Cutting off our anger in its tracks and considering the issue from God's point of view is so much more helpful in the end. My reaction would have been cuff 'em all upside the head. But anger never really helps. It only makes me feel entitled and them defensive. Strong work, Sheila!
>Hi Sheila,
I have one of those husbands who expect women to do "woman's work." He's willing to to "man chores," like throwing out the garbage, cutting the lawn, shoveling snow, changing lightbulbs, and such. But do dishes? sweep? cook? shop? No way!
Interestingly, we shared chores up until our eldest was born. Then he went into "man" mode.
For five years I tried to talk with him about it and got almost nowhere, and it didn't matter much to him that I worked parttime earning money or that I cared for our child all day long. He wanted me to do what his mom did. This was his template.
So I had a decision to make: resent him or accept things.
I chose to accept things.
I am curious… what ever happened to that 23 year old son and his parents?
I’m a single mom – didn’t start that way but I am now… .to a 21 yr old girl and a 20 yr old boy – both in school, both live with me. BOTH are giving me a hard time – they don’t do much at all and when they do it’s all complaints and things just sit half done for days on end… as an example like the laundry sitting in different stages of being done… some in the machine… some dried, some half dried and some on the floor in the laundry room. Same thing happens in the kitchen, bathrooms etc. I try to talk to them about it… over and over again… but after some time I get so frustrated that I end up yelling and upsetting myself more than anyone. I’m tried of living like this… and I try to NOT pick up after them… but after a while… of trying to let it go… I get so sick of it that I just clean up. Is there an end to this? Some people tell me that – some day very soon… I’m going to miss all this and would gladly have it all back if only they’d still be with me. UGH!!!
I don’t know what happened to them. Perhaps the mom will write in again!
I think that line–“you’ll miss all this one day”–is overused. Will you miss your companionship with the kids? Probably. But that doesn’t mean that you should excuse laziness or disrespect today. That’s not the kind of people you want them to be.
Honestly, what I’d do with the laundry is if they don’t fold it or dry it or wash it is to dump it all inside of their rooms and close the door. Just get it out of your laundry room. And never, ever do their laundry. And if they put a load in the washer, and don’t move it to the dryer, and you now need to use the washer, out come the wet clothes, dumped on their floor.
Just make things into their problem. Right now those things are your problem–your laundry room is a mess. Make it their problem again.
If they leave dishes all over the house, put those dishes on their beds. If they don’t wash the evening dishes, make yourself dinner the next night but don’t make them any. Just let them own the problems in a way that doesn’t require more work or aggravation for you!
Funny, but my now 19 year old grandson who lives with me, does this same exact thing. I now put his dirty plate he didn’t pick up from the dinner table, into his room. Clothes on bathroom floor, into his room. Anything that he expects me to clean up or pick up, into his room! He eventually takes care of it. 😁
That’s awesome!
I wish we could talk over coffee or something. As I commented before I encountered this problem after grandson started working and after he turned 18. I’m frustrated all the time. Not that difficult to keep bedroom and bathroom picked up and organized. Sick of it. Otherwise he’s really a great young man and doing an excellent job for company where he works. Someone please help me!
Shannon,
I just realized these comments are from 2012. Maybe we should have coffee! haha 🙂 We are a bit late to the game.
Dion,
Stay strong! Do NOT give in. Separate your laundry from theirs. Get a hamper for YOUR room /bathroom. Only do your laundry. They will run out of clean clothes/towels. If there is stuff in the washer or dryer and you need it, just set it aside then put it back in when you are done. If you need dishes, wash only enough for your needs. If they leave stuff around the house, throw it in their rooms in the floor (unless it’s breakable of course).
Living like this is very difficult and causes so much stress in the house, but not to everyone. 🙁
I am in this boat; stressed to the point of depression (I have military PTSD). My eldest daughter has always been a ‘handful’, difficult to follow house rules, chores and respect seems like a foreign concept to her. My two other children, complete opposites.
I’d agree with the live by my rules or move out. However, she has recently went into remission from stage 4 cancer, while I do not expect her to clean extensively, I do expect help, like picking up your things, dishes and the like. Simple right… No. She refuses and will even say she didn’t do it, she didn’t make the mess and expects her 18yr old sister to be her maid (she actually said yet).
I love the comment about putting the clothes back in their room, dishes ect. However I know that she doesn’t mind the mess, and the smell becomes over whelming. Sadly she has a 3yo she doesn’t want to take responsibility for either.
I have contemplated CPS
My husband recently passed away, and i have my 21 yr old granddaughter living with me.
she works pays no rent and stays at her boyfriends 4 or 5 days of the week, seems like just enough time spent away that she does nothing to be helpful. i wouldn’t mind not getting extra help, but have insisted she take care of the upstairs her living space, by vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom once a week which she doesn’t do. I have newer carpet and am having the bathroom remodeled. and resent thinking my long awaited nice upstairs guest area is not being respected or taken care of, I have had many conversations about what i expect and even told her i do not want to play the nagging parent role.
Now I’m thinking I need more leverage than nagging or conversations. Most of the time i talk to her i get excuses or polite acknowledgement but nothing changes.
Shelley, I’m so sorry about your husband’s passing. That’s a lot of stress to bear, especially if you feel that your grand-daughter is taking you for granted.
The only leverage you really have, though, is to say, “you can’t stay here anymore.” Until you’re prepared to do that, she likely will keep taking advantage of you.
So just saying, “My life has really changed since your grandfather passed away, and I can’t handle a lot of stress in my home right now. I’ve asked you repeatedly to do two tasks: vacuum and clean the bathroom. You haven’t done this. If I don’t see some improvement by (select a date), then I am going to have to start packing up your things and asking you to move out.” I know it sounds harsh, but it really does need to be done!
Best wishes to you!
Thank you Sheila for your 10/5/15 post. I followed your advice to the letter.
Shelly, this was the exact same thing I was going through. I say “was” because I followed Sheila’s 10/5/15 advice and my daughter is moving out 12/1/15. She simply refused to do the one thing we asked (no rent) which was to keep clothes off the floors. We were picking up her clothes and washing them because we needed to keep our sanity. The disrespect level rose to an amount we could not tolerate.
Wow! That’s great that your daughter is going to be independent. I know this must be a really hard time for you, but in the end, it’s good that your daughter learns to grow up and that you feel more peace.
my adult child used a messy bedroom as a power struggle all her life. now she is a college grad and due to student loan debt needed to live at home. after doing her laundry scattered all over the house and buying storage solutions that everyone would envy her sleeping area and our basement is piled horder high with mess. I told her she had to get out. she leaves next week. I am counting the minutes. If I were to raise her all over again, I should have thrown out every piece of clothing and given her one outfit that would always be clean. instead, she had too much stuff. I hate adhd.
36 yr old son his wife 35 and son 6 have lived with us for 7 years. Paid very little rent or bills, son has struggled with addictions has been clean 14 myths has a full time job at a hospital where his wife also works. I’m disabled an deal with pain issues but push myself to do to much around the house help out with grandson pick up from school watch him 4 hrs everyday that’s hard on me. Whenever I bring up the subject of my son helping me around the house to my wife it ends up in a fight,I asked to have him play with my dog because I was having a bad night and she came unglued said he’s worked all day and you expect him to play with your dog ? Really ! I worked same job 30 years coached baseball for him after work for 10 years took him fishing camping ect ect ect. Now I’m disabled and can’t get help. I guess I expect him to offer I shouldn’t have to ask. When I bring up the rent share bills thing my wife always says they are saving to move out and struggling. Really for 7 years. I’ve told her many times this is going to ruin us it’s gonna be me or him. We’ve been married for 33 years and do well financially and are involved in our church we serve as marriage indictment leaders. This issue has to go away or they need to help financial and physically around the house. But I can’t get my wife on my side about this, she loves that little grandson I think she’s afraid to let him move. What should I do ?
Brent,
I’m sorry for your situation! I hope things got better. I hope you see this and are able to update us.
seriously, If your son is this old, still doesn’t act and your husband isn’t supporting you, maybe the husband is the culprit. Your son only stands a chance if you set him free, out and on his own two feet ASAP.
Sorry but you’re not helping anyone, especially your adult son, by pretending this isn’t a serious problem.
* I believe some men use a mothers frustration and need for support against her and intend to sabotage her relationships with her own children out of his own inability to face his fear failure as a parent. Many times the husband is insecure, weak and not emotionally available to be a fair and loving partner. Further, he is incapable of instilling the proper strengths and values in his children so the obvious target is the mother. It is narcissistic, sick and quite sad.
You have all been helpful to me today. In sheer desperation, I put the following in my google search bar: What to do when your adult kids constantly leave a mess in the kitchen.
Its not really the mess that bothers me. I’ve cleaned up 1000’s of times over their lifetime. Its the lack of respect for our home and …. for me. They are adults now – working, healthy adults. I was working, married and a mother by their age and putting myself through grad school. I was the 80’s “super mom”. But clearly, I went wrong somewhere.
My husband is a well educated, hard working, high earning professional. I left a lucrative job in mortgage banking to be a stay at home mom who still brought in sporadic part time income. I learned to be a stock trader while my kids were at soccer practice or karate class or with their math tutor. It was a difficult adjustment not to have a outside employment at first, but I thought I did a great job not only raising my kids, but also helping out with many other facets of our lives including making successful income generating investments. My husband is a terrible investor, but thankfully, I’m a very good one and more than make up for his losses which I am always sure to praise him for, because after all, we cant do any of this without his consistent work and income. He is very good at being reliable and getting things done. Our combination of talent and education has undoubtedly made us successful, for the most part. Most people would say we have ‘made it’ and would envy the life we have, but that is because they judge our success by our material possessions, marital longevity, our persistence and determination to succeed and our philanthropic generosity. But what is success? We put ourselves through undergrad and grad school and when it came time for our kids to go to college, they went to top 20 schools and we paid for them all. My ‘kids’ ages range from 28-32 and they are working and making money commensurate with their education. We live in an expensive area so they are living at home with us to save money and its now going on 10 yrs for one of our “kids”. We have had our wonderful moments when we have loved living together because we have gotten to know each other better, and because I felt like I was really helping them while most of our peers were kicking their adult kids out (with mixed results ranging from dropping out of college, suicide, drug & alcohol addiction, early marriage & divorce). By now you’re thinking “what is she complaining about?” The truth is that though our adult children live with us, it no longer feels right anymore. It doesn’t feel good, I feel like an enabler. Coming back home to live and save money until they could get independent turned into almost 10 yrs. And this is their home now. They dont bring dates home to meet us because I think its embarrassing for them and they are not dating anyone that they would like us to meet. Yet, living here with us has become comfortable and easy, we provide food, shelter, entertainment, family vacations in an attempt to keep our family together. This doesnt bring words of praise or gratitude however. If I say this is my home and my rules, they shout back this is their home. My attempts to bring up moving on with their lives as they originally intended, is now met with disdain and resistance. I have become persona non grata. And worse, I feel estranged from them. They rarely speak to me and one doesnt even look at me when we do speak. Living together, they have frustrations of their own and they have come to blame me for a great deal of their shortcomings. Until just a few years ago, I was always proud of the mother I became. No longer out in the workforce and in love with my children, being a mother was my identity. Every thing I did, every decision I made, was intended and connected to making their lives better. I loved being a mother. But now, I cant believe I’m saying this, but I hate it. My adult children have shown me little respect and even less kindness. I have read books to try to improve myself in their eyes. I have accepted their hateful comments. These days, I am barely more than the woman of this house. I am a burden to them. They rarely answer my texts or emails and usually with one or two words. When I fell ill or had a terrible accident, they never so much as inquired to how I was or even my progress. They live on one side of the house and I live on the other, so it would not be far to walk over and visit me. Where ever they have been in this big house – they usually leave a mess behind and resent me if I asked them to pick up after themselves. My husband never corrects them and will spare no words in admonishing me in front of them if I reproach them for the messes they leave behind or to participate in helping out. Sometimes they all feel like a party together, they get in the spa, watch movies outside, play video games incessantly and get drunk together at least once a month. I try to stay away from them then because they get verbally abusive. I blame myself for how they’ve turned out. And they have told me that their deficits are my fault. I accept that. And have been living in misery for the past 5-10 years and have no idea when things will be better or if my children will ever truly grow up, become independent and leave. I have talked to my husband and pleaded with him to help our children find joy and self esteem in their own independence. But he believes that as long as they wish to stay with us, they can. I am filled with deep shame for living like this. Our family and friends think we are so successful – financially perhaps, but not spiritually (we dont attend church anymore) and not inter personally – we barely greet each other in the morning. The truth is that I feel like a failure and my once high hopes of having a great family has diminished considerably. I am paralyzed with fear to say anything to my family as my past attempts have been belittled and they blame for our current state. As proof – they get along splendidly with my husband and spend as little time talking to or looking at me as possible. I am so ashamed that my own children dislike and avoid me, I know deep down it isn’t all me, but I blame myself none the less. I am caught between a rock and a hard place with no way other way to keep the peace except to say nothing. At times, I’ve been paralyzed with fear to go out into the world. Some days seem so hopeless. I cant help but wonder if there are others like me out there. People who loved their children, tried to teach them good values by example, provided a good life and promising future and be at the place that i am today.
I have come to the conclusion that great families take a long time to become that way, the best ones usually have passed their loving traits down to their children. One must teach their children while they are very young and help form their character. And one must have a partner that that is united with you in this. If you do not have a united partner – raising children to become truly successful adults is very very difficult and you will have less than stellar results and you will have to accept the outcome. If this depresses you to the point of not wanting to live, you must go out into the world and find a way to contribute good to others who need it. Giving to others who are less fortunate, helping them can be a lifesaver. Friends and even acquaintances can be a lifesaver. Praying helps me get through the days. and gives me hope. Nothing can take away the deep loneliness or shame, but these other things can help.
All this from discovering my adult children left a mess (for the 500th time) in my kitchen this morning.
Michelle, I am so sorry to hear that your children’s selfish disregard has hurt you so deeply. I understand how you must feel, but you should not continue blaming yourself. They are grown adults. And they have to learn to take responsibility for their own flaws–not blame it on their mother. If they were living with ANYONE else, they would probably blame them instead.
I stumbled onto this page in a similar fashion…only I google searched “Adult Children as Roommates”. Honestly, your kids sound a lot like my current roommates. One of them is an old friend from college and the other one is his younger brother who is on the cusp of graduating with his Bachelor’s. Our ages range from (22-25) and we’ve been living together for over a year now. Overall, we get along fairly well. My main problem with them is how inconsiderate, irresponsible, and lazy they both are…
For a time, I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning for the household before and after school/work. This went on for about 10 months before I realized that I was enabling their bad behavior. When it was their turn to take care of things, you know what they did? Nothing. All they would do is just sit around smoking weed, playing video games on their expensive PC’s, and waited until I would eventually cave and do what I always did. I felt like their mom whenever I had to remind them to clean up after themselves.
Long story short, cut the umbilical cord with your children. It doesn’t matter how much money you’re saving them because it comes at a much steeper cost. The trade-off is not worth their loss of character. They clearly do not respect you, your home, nor any of the sacrifices you may have made for them as a mother. Be strong. You have done your part. It’s time for them to spread their wings.
Great advice, Anthony! You sound like you’d be a great roommate, by the way. 🙂
Michelle! I am in a similar situation as you are only my daughters are 19 and 18,I am divorce and broke. My daughters don’t care about me at all, all they want is what I can give them. The 19 is pregnant living with the in laws , and doesn’t appreciate all the sacrifices I done for her to keep her up float going to school and life. My youngest doesn’t want to move a finger in the house and when I am out of money expects me to but her things without earning them, and didn’t care that I can afford them. I feel hurt and betrayed by my own daughters, for their selfish ways and how they treat me. Both of them have disrespect me before, the oldest keeps saying to me you are dull, stupid and I mature! It hurts so much. You are not alone, but this new generations think th t we parents have to provide them with everything and feel and show little respect for the most important pilar of the family that is us -mothers. you are not alone, but you have to be syringe and stand to your husband and kids, otherwise this will continue. If it was me I would talk to the husband and put all my cards on the table. If you all are as suc essful as you are is thanks to you! Give yourself some credit, and give some time for yourself. Love your self and do things like go on little vacation, take some classes, what ever you can do for you to feel good ! Don’t cater to them at all, if the want a nice clean house they can pay for a maid. There are many things you can do if you step out of your safe zone ! I am to begin my self some of that as I have to deal with my daughters. Me deserve respect, love , and appreciation. Anything less than that is not acceptable, and we shouldn’t put up with it at all. God bless and be stronge!
Nan,
I hope things are better for you! This makes me so angry! 🙁
I hope you will update us.
Wow there are a lot of us frustrated moms out here. I am a mom to my own 3 (divorced and sharing custody with an extreme narcissist) and a step mom to 3 in their early 20’s. I hear your plight. I would have a lot of questions for you, first and foremost as has been said a few times by the author, can you get our husband on board? If not why? Without that it is hard to get any respect. In my case my husband is on board, but isn’t sure how to get the kids to listen. I know how to get them to listen but it requires tenacity and follow up on the accountability and it’s not fun. Another piece of advice that Sheila gave is to have them move out. I am not a fan of that, but sometimes you might have no other choice. I came here looking to see if I was crazy to put dirty dishes in my kids beds, but low and behold, nope! some of you guys have done it. I really feel for you. The stuff that you are describing is alienation from your husband, and he is teaching the kids that it is acceptable, which beyond hurting you, … hurts them and anyone they have a relationship with. If he won’t go, I think it would be helpful for you to find a good family therapist to help you sort this out. Maybe eventually your husband will join you. Best of luck to you.
This interesting. My situation is opposite. My adult brother and I live with our mother for financial reasons. Mind you we pay rent, bills, contribute to buying/cooking food etc. We have always cleaned up around the house as we had chores and as adults because who wants to live in a dirty house. Some of us had those chores longer than the other due to birth order. However, I am currently baffled at the messes our mother leaves around the house that she expects us to clean up. For example, she will leave/make a sink full of dishes and expect one of us to wash them or she will leave items on the floor (sometimes small scraps of paper) all just to see if anyone will pick it up. My thought is that she is trying to assert that she still has “power/control” over us. This really shows when she requests/demands something be done before one of us leaves for somewhere as we are getting ready to walk out the door. My brother is constantly reminding her that she should not make plans for someone else because she may not receive the reaction she thought she would, but she continues to make plans for other people.
So what say you? How do adult “children” get their adult parents to cleanup after themselves? Or help the parents to understand they have to let go of the desire to control their kids?
Brad, I happened along this page when I typed in “how to get adult children to clean up after themselves” First, it’s nice to hear that you and your brother clean up after yourselves. Without knowing much about your Mom, ie does she work? is she divorced, dealing with trying to be two parents at once, a widow etc, or just a messy person? Either way as much as dealing with a mess drives me a little batty, I tend to go with the old school way of, who owns the house and whoever that is, rent or not, they are the person that sets the tone. That being said, communication in a non confrontational way might work for you guys as well. Also as a Mom to three kids almost all teens and three step kids in their twentys, all living with us. Try to think of your mom’s “control” as just maybe holding on and not wanting to loose you. You do sound like a good kid 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
Not sure you’ll see this as it’s been a couple of years. Thank you for your thoughts/comment!
Our mother has been divorced for 15 years and does work. She does not have to play the role of both mother and father as we are all over the age of 25 in the household and our father is involved with and very much apart of our lives.
Unfortunately, she seems to prefer confrontation and doesn’t like when you aren’t. Due to this we would just keep to ourselves when she was home, because home should be your sanctuary and who wants to deal with constant negativity.
I can understand the old school thinking. But this is more like a roommate situation with how contributions happened. She had expressed numerous times that without us living there and paying our contributions she would have fallen behind on the mortgage and other bills. So we were doing each other a favor, even if she felt like she was doing us a favor.
Unfortunately, after the last post nothing really changed even after speaking calmly. Some of us have moved on and some of us haven’t. She continues to push us away and try to pull us back in. I just wonder if she realizes that one day she’ll end up pushing one if us away for good.
Brad
This is where I’m at today.
I’m the mother to 3 daughters , 23,21,19.
I’m single, attend physio every week and at the point I want o move out & leave remember to it.
I was a carer for my mum from aged 9, I’ve looked after people all my life.
I’m now returning to college, have a career plan however the mess and sheers untidiness my daughters create is overwhelming. It’s getting me down.
They were great when they were younger it’s since they become teenagers and now working adults it’s like because they work & pay rent they don’t need to clean.
I work & study and look after a house , I feel like I’m turning into a constant moaning person and it’s not me.
I want a nice house, I have a nice house but it’s disheartening when you’ve cleaned the house and come in and shoes, coats, bags are lying about the floor. Dishes piled in the sink or
Missing cutlery found in their rooms.
The hard part is they know how much physical pain I can feel if I overwork my back..
It doesn’t make 1 iota of a difference and I think that’s what hurts.
I’m now in here thinking what’s the point…..I’ve ignored them, I’ve not cleaned after them or cooked. …
What did they do?
Bought takeaway food.
Bought new clothes
Walked over their mess…😫😔
Glad I’m not alone
Wow, Melissa–that sounds really overwhelming.
If talking to them isn’t getting anywhere, I wonder if another way to allow them to feel the consequences of not thinking of others concerning housework would be to raise their rent to be able to hire a cleaning lady? Say, “These are the tasks that need to get done every week. If by next month this is still an issue, your rent will go up by $(amount) so that we can afford to hire someone to do it for us. Would you rather pay more, or clean?”
I wonder if that might work, since that is giving them an opportunity to make an adult decision where your needs are met either way.
Hi Rebecca,
I have thought of that and it’s maybe something I really need to consider seriously.
Ironically my work is around motivation, stress however my daughters think that because I teach it I can deal with anything. ..we are only human.
I’m one person and I’ve told them that if they really cared about my health they would help.
They are really pleasant girls and not rude but it’s just this laziness attitude that has me bewildered.
I’m having a family meeting tonight as it’s went on long enough.
Thank you
I live with my in laws and they have a 23yr old son that is basically a drop kick to put it nicely. Doesn’t work, doesn’t study, has no friends, has a skin condition because his skin doesn’t see sunlight as he’s on the computer 24/7 (im not even exaggerating lol) . My partner and I have to constantly cook and clean for him. We’ve tried raising it with the parents but they’re so scared of losing him (they baby him) that they will put us down, example – if we dont cook for him, we’re called selfish, if we complain about cleaning up after him – we’re jealous of him. They baby him so much that they cook for him at 2am because he just refuses to get off his online games. They have to tell him when to eat, shower etc because he is just SO FIXATED IN THOSE pATHETIC GAMES. It’s actually disgusting -i’ve never witnessed anything like it before. I work two jobs, my partner works, studies and has sport commitments. LIke we’re busy as it is, and then we have to come home and support a 23yr old. Is there ANY option we can take besides moving out? It’s really looking like the only way to go but mortgages and renting are so expensive these days 🙁
I do think moving out is your only option. I’m so sorry for you–but I’m really sorry for your brother-in-law! Your in-laws are doing him no favours, and they’re letting him ruin his life. That’s absolutely awful.
I have three adult child brothers. They treat my mom and I like maids and no matter what we try to say or do they just laugh or get angry at us. The youngest of my brothers is the worst however. He is obsessed with things being clean, yet refuses to clean up after himself at all and tells me to do it. Not only that, but he has money yet begs my mom to pay his bills and lies to her saying he has no money. I can’t stand it anymore, but my dad doesn’t do anything about it and my mom gave up trying.
Oh, Anne, that is so tough! But unfortunately you can’t set boundaries for your parents. All you can do is set boundaries for yourself. You can refuse to clean up after him, or you could move out so that it’s not an issue anymore. Unfortunately you can’t save your parents; only they can do that. I do wish you all the best!
I am so pleased to learn that I am not alone. My sons (16 and 19, both full time students) and partner fit the model you all describe to a T.
My partner and I are both well educated and have well paying jobs but I earn about 1.5 times what my partner does and I work longer hours.
Nonetheless, I do most of the grocery shopping (70 per cent), all of the meal planning, all of the bill paying and organizing, all of the cooking, all of the tidying and most of the washing (my elder son does one load a week, he never seems to wash mine and while hangs the washing out, he never brings it in).
My partner does do the washing up (we don’t have a dishwasher) and makes me coffee in the morning. Which is actually really nice. He also feeds and walks the dog (which was meant to be the kids’ job).
The kids will occasionally make themselves food but they never make anything as a meal for the family.
An we are very lucky that we do have a cleaner.
The kids rooms are filthy, they eat in there and never bring out their dishes, they never change or wash their sheets and towels, never tidy their rooms. And they have no regard for power bills or the environment, constantly leaving lights, heaters, air conditioners and televisions on.
At times I do feel like I have failed them. It was always easier to do it myself than wait for them to do it but now I am paying the price.
When I complain they tell me I am mad which is designed to hurt me because I do have a history of anxiety and depression.
Anyway, three nights ago I came home yet again to a sink full of dirty water, dirty kitchen benches and dirty dishes. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back … this is the email I sent them all.
As a feminist I am appalled at how I have managed to surround myself with three helpless and blind males. None of you even see what is done (invisibly) for you and you would probably all claim to be doing your share. You are not.
It is the first defence of the patriarchy to claim a woman is ‘mad’ when she rebels. Yes, I have a history of mental illness. I know none of you understands my mental illness. I do, I’ve lived with it my whole life. This is not that.
This is weariness and frustration turned to white hot fury.
The stuff all over the sink on Monday was once too often. For years I have been asking nicely, explaining, requesting, reminding, nagging, yelling. And, then finally, just silently doing it myself.
You name it, I’ve tried it almost every night . Nothing works.
I have constantly asked that you leave the kitchen the way I leave it when I go to work every morning. It isn’t fun for me to make sure its tidy before I go … while you are still in bed.
And it isn’t asking much that, between you, you make sure it its tidy when I get home hours after you do.
It isn’t fair that I have to start my evening chores by cleaning up your mess. Every night.
You are all so selfish and ignorant that you cannot make even the smallest effort to clean up after yourselves.
I have had enough. I will not do it anymore.
When I find things where they don’t belong, I won’t just put them away for you. They will be thrown on the floor or in the backyard.
When you leave the door open when you go outside, I will lock it.
When you leave a light on, I will take away the globe.
When you leave a heater on, I will take it away.
When you leave the television on, I will take away the cable.
When you leave your towels on the floor, I will put them in your bed.
I won’t remind, ask, whinge, complain or ignore.
I will act.
#overit ~ I LOVE your email! I’ve thought of doing the same thing. I will have to choose my words wisely because my partner will not want me to do it.
I commend you. Since you sent your email a few months ago, how have things been?
Interesting reading everyone’s advise. I recently purchased a home with my partner who has 3 grown children, ages 25, 23, and 20. The youngest is a male doing his own thing, while the other 2 are living with us in our home. The 25 year old works and the only contribution made is one bill. Although courteous, he doesnt help clean up after himself. Leaving laundry in the washer/dryer, leaving a mess in the bathroom (worse than leaving dirty clothes on the floor) and no regard to closing up our home when stepping out. The 23 year old only comes by once in a full moon, mainly when I am not home. Has own room, which is not livable because of the mess. The few times when I am around during visits it’s like I’m invisible; this young adult is just plain rude. As much as I ask my partner to talk to them since they are his kids, he doesnt seem to care. I get the impression that he avoids addressing issues with them because they never do what he asks, but then again he doesnt put his foot down with them. So now he avoids any confrontation with them, but in turn shows anger and frustration with me for asking him to talk to his kids.
How do I get through to any of them?
#gettingtomybreakingpoint ~
Your story is almost a mirror image of mine. A lot of the stories here sound familiar and I completely understand. It’s an awful feeling when you can’t be comfortable in your own home or around your family (whether biological or step).
The kicker for me is that my partner’s kids damage my property. They don’t like to be told “no” and also don’t like being asked to be responsible. I have dents in my fridge, holes in doors and walls, the glass kitchen tabletop shattered, the oven door shattered, and a couple of broken chairs. They do nothing and contribute nothing to the household. One is 18 and one is 21. The daughter moved out a couple of years ago after a huge argument.
When I invited them to move in with me 7 years ago, I tried to be nice. I was lenient because their dad was going through a tough time and because their mother is in a group home with MS. She can barely move let alone be the mother she wishes she could be to them. Dad had lost his job as a pharmacist and was on unemployment. At the time I didn’t realize he’d never work as a pharmacist again. I also didn’t realize he wouldn’t find another job for 6 years. It wasn’t until much later that I found out his temper had gotten him fired. It was my fault for not asking. Never ever assume!! When trouble began, I asked him to leave and he refused. He said I would have to evict them all and what an awful person I would be to evict a single parent with 3 kids.
I tried to instill rules and boundaries after they settled in but got nowhere. So, I started closing doors so as not to see the messes they had created. I tried to give them the material things that their dad was once able to. Credit cards became my “go to”. I had to file bankruptcy a couple of years into the relationship and my credit is still only just creeping up past “fair”. I was a fool.
To top it off, my boys do not like them and as they’re growing older, they’re choosing to stay with their dad more and more Now that my partner’s children are older, they come and go as they please. They won’t lift a finger to do so much as put a dish on the counter. They get upset if no one does their laundry. I’ve tried to leave everything dirty so they’d be forced to figure out how to wash a dish but then my boys suffer. I also cannot take the chaos of a dirty kitchen/home.
Their dad sometimes convinces them to be more responsible. It lasts only days. The kids don’t talk to me unless they “want” something – only then can they be nice, and that is only if I say, “Yes”. When I try to discuss “the future” of his kids with my partner, we often end up in an argument. It’s a lonely existence, to be honest. We’ve also had our issues which his kids have been privy to (they’re there nearly 24/7). They learned to treat me poorly. He has told them his behavior is wrong and he apologizes. It doesn’t change anything.
The 21-year-old recently broke up with his live-in girlfriend and showed up on my doorstep without a word. He just brought his stuff back and resumed his old ways as though he never left. He doesn’t make enough money to support himself and refuses to get a better job (he wouldn’t be able to pass a drug test).
I could evict them both but the guilt would consume me. Dad got me good there! So, I’ve reverted to blocking calls/texts and not speaking to them. It’s better for me. I can’t deal with what I don’t know.
I want to get back to doing the things I love… gardening, reading, antiquing, and taking care of my home. I haven’t had the energy for it because I expend it all on them.
Sorry for the long diatribe… it sure feels good to share.
Good luck to everyone here. I hope to have news of changes (positive changes) soon into the future.
“So Done”
I am grateful to everyone here telling their day to day truth about the caos, filth and the loneliness of being disrespected while used as an ATM machine and beast of burden including 100 percent of the financial burden. The emotional pain that’s pushed aside when we are ill and still left to do all of the work while working 60 hour weeks…and the physical pain caused by the relentless physical labor .. knees, arms, elbows.. the cartilage completely gone from overwork. We tell ourselves its for love and keep a smile on our faces, praying constantly for strength…a mother’s love knows no bounds… my concern that kept coming to mind as I read is that our health will eventually give out ….. literally institutionalized her body no longer able to pull the train full of rocks uphill anymore.. what is the solution? For me, I cannot love them if I am dead… I have to spend the money and pay an army to replace me because my life and health are important.. for them and for me… my value, life educating them in word and deed is a valid life spent.. their free will as adults to contribute or not contribute is a decision they make and not a reflection of my mothering skills or life of hard work living as an example of what it means to be a fine person… in the end since they are adults now I am responsible only to stay alive and well. .. I am very grateful for everyone who took the time to share here… it helped me to see immediately how dangerous it is to be made to overwork without rest .. my fears for them of course showing me that I need to take my own advice and care for myself.. its easier to feel for others than ourselves.
G.I. Joey
Thank you for a place to vent my frustrations. My situation is very much the same as the original posting, except for two points. First I am the father of a daughter that is 23 years old and secondly my wife is the one that will not allow any type of rules to be applied to my daughter. Helping with the household chores or any type of rules do not apply to her because I can’t get any “backup” from my wife. I have calmly suggested that certain rules should be implemented for my daughter such as no food carried to her room, pick up the garbage on her bedroom floor and tidy up. Clean up the spills that she causes before it gets tracked throughout the house. Offer to help with things that need done around the house and most importantly, to me, stop disrespecting me. My wife constantly makes excuses for her such as She is just stressed out or to busy to do these things. I am 62 years old and still have a full time job. I was looking forward to a peaceful retirement but the way things are going I don’t have that dream anymore. I find myself wishing that my daughter would move out and start her own life and stop making mine miserable.
I wanted to post this to let everyone know that it’s not always the husband that won’t “Get onboard” and give support when it’s needed.
Thank You
I’m in the same boat. My step daughter is lazy and feels we should all clean up after her. She’s 19 and has a child. Her father believes she’s depressed and we should just clean up after her. I’m tired. I have depression too. But I get up everyday to do my part. I’m not asking for anything to be done extra. Just for her to clean up after her own messes especially in the kitchen. Or the shared bathroom. But apparently he and she believe she’s too depressed to do her part and it is a constant fight for he and I because of it. Our other daughter is ocd so it triggers her. So I end up just doing everything in order to help them both. But I don’t believe it is helping her future. I believe she is taking advantage and just looking the other way know if I’ll clean up to save an argument or trigger my other daughter. I’m tired I just want things picked up. I’ll do the rest. I’ll vacuum dist etc. But what should their part be?
I have a bad situation going on i have a 23 year old so that lives with me and also a 20 year old grandson that also lives with me. they donor help me with any housework ,they don’t even clean their rooms. I say it’s bad because they are the reason that my house looks like hoarding buried alive.My husband does not help either. My son tells me that i don’t clean up myself all i do is sit on my bed,but that is not true i do some work butg it’s hard for me because i have arthritis real bad.Due to their uncleanliness we have rats & gnats so i am afraid to pull certain pieces out because of the rodent problem. Please help! I shouldn’t have to psy someone to clean my house when i have them,
Oh, Bernadette, I’m so sorry! But you know, you do have a choice. It is your house. You don’t have to have your son and grandson living with you. You can set rules, and if they don’t abide by the rules, you can ask them to leave. You can also call the health department if you have rats and explain that the problem is that the other adults you are living with won’t clean, and you aren’t able to because of health issues. But you do not have to tolerate this.
In my opinion, if adult children are living in their parents’ home, they need to be regularly helping with all of the housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. They should also be paying a portion of the bills. There is simply no excuse for a grown adult to live with his parents and not take on daily adult responsibilities. I had a boyfriend who was in his 30’s who lived with his mother and though she worked full time and he was unemployed for 8 years, she was the only one who did ALL of the housework, paid all of the bills, etc. He was perfectly able bodied, just lazy and selfish. Parents need to be willing to say no to deadbeat kids who want to move back home permanently. Tell them to get a job and support themselves. If the parents weren’t around, what would they do? They would take any job!