Lastweek we were talking about the harm pornography can do to a marriage–but we were looking at it primarily from a “man uses pornography” standpoint.
Then I started receiving emails, and a comment was left that focused more on what happens when it’s the female that begins to get addicted to pornography, and finds that she can’t stop.
I know not all of my readers have these sorts of problems, and if you’re not bothered by porn at all, feel free to skip this post. But based on the emails that I received, and the hurt that was there, there’s a lot of anguish about this topic. And worst of all, there’s nowhere they can turn, and women wonder if they’re the only ones. So let me summarize what I read, use pseudonyms and change some details a bit, but tell you some stories of how women can become embroiled in this as well.
It tends to start in childhood. Either a little girl is being sexually abused, or she sees pornography when she’s in those crucial years of 10-14, when puberty is happening and she’s starting to develop sexual feelings. When you’re just starting to get those feelings, and then you see porn, something happens in your brain where the two become linked; you equate arousal with picturing something external from yourself.
So let me tell a story of a girl whom we’ll call Jennifer.
As a child, she was in a dentist’s office playing in the toybox one day, waiting for her appointment, when she found a Playboy. That’s right; some sicko had left a Playboy in a toybox at a dentist office. She began to leaf through it, and many of those pictures made her feel very funny.
A few years later, she was at a sleepover with a friend when her friend decided to show her a stack of her father’s Penthouse magazines. She began leafing through these, too, and those funny feelings returned.
As a teen, though, she experienced some pretty awful things with sex. She was date raped, and she never told anybody. Nothing “bad” happened from it; she wasn’t pregnant, she had no STD. So she decided just to put it behind her. She was a Christian, and she wanted to forgive the boy, so she did. Forgive and forget, as they say.
In her mid-twenties she married a wonderful Christian man who was involved in the ministry. They had great fun making out before they were married, and she often found herself quite breathless, but they never did any heavy petting or anything else. Then, on her wedding night, she froze. She wanted him to love her without needing sex. She was afraid that it was too much like the date rape, where he needed something from her and he just took it.
She didn’t want to. Her whole body froze up, and it was as if she wasn’t even part of her body anymore. And it really hurt!
(This seemed to be a common theme in the emails; sex hurt or was rather uncomfortable. There’s a condition for this called vaginismus, when the muscles at the beginning of the vagina tense during sex and won’t relax, so that sex becomes very painful, if it can be completed at all).
Over time, wanting to please her husband, she did have sex with him. Quite a bit. But she didn’t enjoy it, and she found herself trying to think of anything BUT sex in order to get through it. It was almost as if she left her body and was trying not to think of what was going on.
After a few years she felt like a freak. Everybody else was enjoying sex, but she saw it as a chore, as just something to get through. She didn’t like it. It didn’t hurt as much as it used to, but it was still uncomfortable. Surely she was capable of enjoying sex, wasn’t she?
And that’s when the pictures started to come back. She remembered all those magazines she had seen, and remembered that they had made her feel aroused. She did some research on the internet about this, and found some inappropriate sites. And soon she had a whole bunch more pictures in her head to go along with the ones from her childhood.
Now, the next time she had sex, she started thinking of those pictures. She found herself getting aroused. And she finally felt like she wasn’t a freak! Her husband was happy because she was enjoying it. But the problem was she was still separate from her body. She still wasn’t actually present during sex. She still was “running away” in her mind from what was going on. Yes, her body was responding, but it was because of something she was doing, not something he was doing. And over the years she got better at it. And he didn’t know. He thought he was a good lover. But how could she stop now, because then he would know that everything, up until now, had been a lie?
Does that sound familiar to you? If it doesn’t, please don’t judge Jennifer, because there are a lot of women hurting like this. It seems that these women fall into several different categories:
1. Those for whom sex was painful, and they need an “out of body” experience
2. Those for whom sex just wasn’t fun, either because he didn’t know how to properly stimulate her, or they just had never bothered to figure out how to get it to work together (this seems like one of the most common scenarios). But she didn’t want to be labelled frigid, and she was afraid there was something wrong with her. So she tried to reawaken her sex drive.
3. Those who were abused as children or teens and were used to this idea of separating one’s mind from one’s body just to get through it.
4. Those who had been heavily involved with porn as children, usually because someone else showed it to them, and now they can’t get the images out of their heads.
Can you see how painful this is? In many ways, a woman’s sexual drive is more complicated than a man’s. Her brain is much more engaged in the sexual act than his is. If a woman does not want to become aroused, for instance, it is very hard to arouse her. Her head has to be in the game. For men that’s not the case.
Therefore, if a woman for whatever reason CAN’T get her head in the game, her body won’t respond. And now she’s stuck.
These women don’t want to disappoint their husbands. They don’t want to feel like there’s something wrong with them because everyone else in the world seems to like sex. So they look desperately for some shortcut to arousal, and find it in pornography.
Women who have issues with porn usually aren’t compulsive users the way men are. They don’t need the constant high, or the new fix. They usually just use a few pictures in their head, that they can keep there for years, to help them get aroused. The problem is: how do you get rid of them? And how do you end your reliance on them?
That is a big problem. Myfathersdaughter told her story so beautifully (and I used a lot of hers in this composite!), and she ended up telling her husband. Now together they’re going to work on helping her be present.
I’m a little torn about this, and I don’t want to advise either way, because I think you just have to rely on where God is nudging you. I can picture marriages that are very healthy, where the man thinks that he is a wonderful lover, being devastated by the news. But on the other hand, I don’t know how she can achieve real healing without telling him. Leave a comment and tell me what you think, but I really feel like I’m not supposed to lay down a rule on this one. I think you need to go to God.
But what isn’t negotiable is this: you need to train your body to “be present”. The only way you’re ever going to experience true intimacy with your husband is to be there, body, mind and soul. And it is a beautiful thing to experience real spiritual connection when you make love. We’re going to talk on Wifey Wednesday about how to train your body to be there, and how to start experiencing some real pleasure in your sex life. This will have relevance not only for women who are stuck in this rut, but also for women whose sex lives have just been so-so, and they haven’t been able to fly. So tune back in on Wednesday for some more advice.
In the meantime, please comment if you can relate to any of this. Make it anonymous if you have to (I’ll delete any posts that are too racy or inappropriate or don’t really edify). But if you’ve been there, just leave a note saying “I understand exactly what you’re saying”, because so many of the women who emailed me said they feel completely alone. Let them know they’re not!
And if you had the experience of being shown a Penthouse or a Playboy as a kid, what did that to you? And how do we protect our own children?
Let me know in the comments, and let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>That could have been me. I was molested when I was very young, then exposed to pornography when I found it in my parents' bedroom. I ran into porn again later looking through magazines at a house where I was babysitting. All together it goofed me up badly and led to an on and off again problem. (I was left with the idea that sex and love were equivalent and so I was inclined to turn to porn when I was feeling most alone.) I worked on it (therapy, prayer, personal efforts) and by the time I got married (31) it wasn't much of an issue anymore. My husband and I had a very happy sex life and I didn't "need" that fix for loneliness.
A few years ago, though, my husband started experiencing health issues that forced some changes in our intimate life. Since, for me, the emotional connection of sex has always been the most important aspect of it, this became a problem. The changes we had to make left me feeling less emotionally connected to my husband during sex. It felt more impersonal, more like a simple physical release than an expression of love and intimacy. I started having problems responding and feeling pressured to keep my response to him at the same level it was before we made the changes.
The stuff I was exposed to when I was young came back to me and I started thinking about that during sex. And yes, just like in the story about Jennifer, it helped me become aroused and respond, but I felt horrible, like I was being unfaithful to my husband by thinking about other men in such a way and at such a time.
So, I've been working on that. I haven't discussed my fantasies with my husband, but I have been trying to talk with him about things we can do to help me feel closer to him during sex. I've been working on concentrating on my physical reactions to his touch and staying in the moment instead of disassociating. It's helped. I have enjoyed our last few times together much more and have felt more of the emotional connection that I used to feel at those times.
I do believe that God wants me to have a happy marriage just as much as I want one, and that He has been helping me as I've tried to figure out a solution to this.
>Anonymous–
Thanks for writing!
I love what you said about concentrating on not dissociating and instead just concentrating on his touch! That's exactly what we're going to talk about on Wednesday: how to be present again by learning how to pay attention to your body, and not just the thoughts in your head.
Thank you, too, for pointing to how God can help heal you from this and can help you move through this problem. He does want our marriages to be great, and He is there!
>Thank you, Sheila, for tackling this tough subject. I don't really have the heart to go into our story. But just know that I appreciate what you are doing. I have been reading the posts and the comments. I am looking forward to your post on Wednesday. Thank you.
>I posted last week a bit about my story and how I finally told my husband and he confessed to me of his issues too.
Vaginismus is a big problem that just doesn't get enough "publicity." We did some heavy petting before marriage and I always felt really guilty. Then our weding night came with a lot of heartache and pain. We weren't able to achieve intercourse until almost 3 years into our marriage, and then only because I really wanted a baby. It hurt badly every time.
Since my husband and I have talked very openly about the pornography, we started having sex again. And God gave us the miracle that we have been waiting for: it doesn't hurt anymore!!!!! It's still quite uncomfortable and scary but I'm not crying out in pain every time and sore for days afterwards. It feels like we're at the honeymoon phase in the bedroom. Not quite as exciting but we are focus on learning what works and what doesn't. And how to talk about it all.
Thanks so much for going into all of this. I'm also really looking forward to Wednesday's post. I'm sharing al of this with my husband and he keeps telling me "that makes sense, I understand you so much more."
I still wish I could erase the images in my mind. And the ones in his too (since his confession I also understand more his view on sex too). But we are both learning to be very open and honost throughout everything. And I know that God will continue to heal. And who knows, some day I may actaully start to enjoy sex again and actually get a libido of my own!!
Hubby actually asked me last night, "honey, do you have a headache tonight?" So I think that's a hint to actually read that book that I've had sitting in my house for a while. I've been too nervous to read it for fear that you would ask me to do things I'm not ready for.
God bless all these women that are struggling with the same thing. God is amazing and He hears your prayers. They WILL be answered.
>Here's a question: my husband and i have a seemingly healthy sex life despite our speckled pasts. Sometimes during sex I fantasize, but always about him. Is this wrong/perverse? I'd actually never given it a second thought until reading this post. Your Godly insight would be appreciated.
>I found my dads penthouses when I was 12. Sex was an open subject in my house. So it wasn't like the photos shocked me. I kept thinking how beautiful the women were and I wanted to be like them. So through my teens I'd look at them. They gave me those arousal feelings but I didn't know that.
When I married my DH he had a Playboy subscription and I didn't care. After all it seemed normal to me that men read them. When we had kids I put an end to the subscription. Although I saw nothing wrong with the mags somewhere in me I knew I didn't want my kids seeing them. So instead we turned to porn movies.
I got so used to those images that I would have to picture them in my head in order to "feel sexy" for DH. Especially as I gained weight. Although my DH would insist he found me sexy at any weight I didn't believe him. How could he find me sexy? I didn't look like those pics anymore. I lost my libido completely. Now the only way I could get aroused was w/porn. When the internet came into our home we started to view things online. Newer technologies just kept feeding our addiction.
Then one day 3 years ago I walked in on DH masturbating to porn. I was devastated. I NEVER imagined that he was doing that by himself. I always assumed we were watching it together. I knew I wasn't looking at it without him so I naively assumed he wasn't either. I only needed the porn to arouse myself for him. It never crossed my mind that his addiction carried into the rest of his day. Since men think about sex every 8 seconds (so statistics say) and with his raging libido…he needed more. It was crushing to me.
Then I saw an HBO show and the sex therapist noted that the woman she was observing always had her eyes closed during sex. She stated this happens when a woman is disassociating herself from sex. Often by fantasizing about someone else, porn images or just closing out her lover. She encouraged the woman to open her eyes, look at her lover so she could be present in the moment and enjoy the looks on her lover's face.
I realized I always closed my eyes so I could see those images to arouse myself. But God used that little bit from the show to change something in me. I started to look at my DH during sex. I found that I couldn't pull up those images because my entire focus was on him. I started to really enjoy his expressions because I started to realize that I was the one making them happen. It wasn't some fake woman. It was me!
God continued to work in our relationship. My walking in on DH was where it all changed. We were both so startled by it that I know it was God shaking us awake. We took the TV & laptop out of our bedroom. Our sex life was definitely different for a time. We had to relearn how to arouse each other. The thing that helped the most was looking at each other. Seeing the love in each other's eyes…the rest just started to come naturally.
We both still struggle with the feelings of wanting the porn every now and again. I will firmly admit I struggle the most. I have a couple times suggested bringing the laptop to our room. My DH usually says flatly no but one time he allowed it and we both felt so dirty after. We had a LONG talk the next day and agreed thats never happening again. Here's the thing that might shock you…that was only 3 months ago…we've been married 17 years. Yes it has been that long of a problem. But we are 3 months clean and I do believe for good. Something changed for us. We never felt it was completely wrong before but that time we did. We didn't enjoy the sex as much. Honestly I think that was God. It was something that needed to be cleansed out of both of us and that's what God did.
It is such a taboo subject in Christian circles. Which is sad because it makes the shame that much deeper. Especially for women. Which causes many to suffer alone. So thank you for bringing this subject to light. It's about time someone did.
>Hi Sheila,
You are a bold lady for opening up this topic to the Christian blogosphere. As I read the comments of these precious women, I hear oceans of pain. May God bring healing to each and every marriage.
Blessings,
e-Mom @ Chrysalis
>I'm not married, but have struggled with romance addiction and internet pornography. I've been able to experience freedom through Sexaholics Anonymous (which are predominately male meetings) the last four years and would also recommend "No Stones" and "Facing Love Addiction" as additional resources to anyone who is suffering.
If you want to know more about any of these resources, you can e-mail me at the address below.
I thought this only happened to me.
I was exposed to porn quite young (around 10) when I also discovered masturbation. Not to mention having an older sister who plastered our bedroom walls with pictures of celebrities – mostly the muscle bound half-naked type of pictures. I’m sure that had something to do with my noticing “cute boys” before I was anywhere near junior high. And I was a victim of sexual assault more than once.
I’m actually happy to know that I wasn’t the only one who had to resort to pictures in my head to get properly aroused. I did feel like I was a freak. And I’m happy about the way you described it, because I always wondered why it was the women in those pictures that aroused me when I knew I wasn’t gay.
I had to rely on God in order to stop the in-head movies. I did eventually tell my husband about it and he was understanding about it (sort of – he understood it without understanding it – I guess it’s more like he accepted what I said).
I don’t think that a husband would be devastated if he and his wife already have a good relationship. It took some time to learn to be aroused by being “present” as you say, but it can be learned.
Thanks, Sharon, for your honesty! It definitely did not only happen to you. I’ve received so many emails from women saying virtually the same thing. And its’ so encouraging to know that God did help you to stop and healed you. That’s wonderful!
Thank you so much… I have stuggled with this since middle school. My parents, wonderful as they are, allowed a few movies with very short scenes involving nudity that have stuck with me all my life. Also some R movies at friends’ houses when I was young while spending the night. I am so glad I’m not alone in this, and appreicate the straightforward and proactive advice… and insight into why those images do what they do for women. I wondered for years what that bad habit meant for my sexuality and it was very confusing. I am married to a wonderful man and love our intimate times together. I want to be dedicated to him fully when we have sex and appreicate your encouragement in breaking free from those images. Bless you!
I know this is an older post, but I feel the need to let you know what an encouragement it was to me today! I am only 19, I am married, God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, and now we have a baby girl on the way!! But I have struggled with porn in the past. I don’t really know how it started, I wasnt molested as a child, no one ever showed me porn, I just know that for a while I was addicted to it, I was ashamed and told no one, by the grace of God I was able to break the addiction, by it left scars in my mind and on my heart. I had promised God that when I did have a relationship with a man I would tell him early in, so that if he wanted out, he could! So that’s what I did, 3 weeks after my husband, Jon, and I started dating I told him, he took my hand and said it doesn’t matter! God has washed you clean! That’s not you anymore! And he still married me! Somewhere around our 7th month of marriage, I fell to temptation and looked again, I was ashamed and thought how can I ever tell Jon? He will be so hurt, he will think he is not enough for me, when I know he is, but I knew I needed his help! So I told him! It was the hardest thig I have ever had to do, but I told him I need his help, his strength, his prayers, and that everyday when he came home from work I need him to ask me if I have looked, he is young(also only 19) but he is stron in his faith, and he promised to help me, he forgave me and he held me through my tears of guilt and shame! I had not become addicted again, but still I knew if I fell once I could fall again, I actually didn’t tell him for about 2 months, and since I have he has been such an encouragement! I can not tell you what a blessing he is! We have been married 10 and 1/2 months! Our baby girl is due in late August, almost 2 months after our one year anniversary! Ladies, if you ask your husbands for help, I’m sure they will be glad! They don’t want this in their marriage either! Once you confess to God, Satan no longer has any power over you!
Ashley, that’s a wonderful testimony! And I love your last sentence: once we fess up, Satan loses his power. So true! That’s wonderful that your husband was able to stand alongside you, pray for you, and hold you accountable. It sounds like you have a great marriage, and that you’re both dedicated to keeping it that way. And remember: God really can bring victory in this, and He will!
Wow. Thank you for these posts. I was exposed to pornography again and again as a child. I have been praying that God will take these images from my head for years. I’m at the point that I am avoiding sex with my hubby because I know it will me cause me to sin. God says He will not allow us to be tempted without giving us a way out, but I have not been able to find that way out other than to avoid sex…. and I know that really can’t be God’s answer. I would love for God to heal me of this without me having to confess it to my husband. I would appreciate prayers as I continue to seek God in this. Thank you again.
Anonymous, thank you for commenting on this post… it pulled it up in my feed and I really needed to read this today. I could have written what you wrote! My childhood home was full of porn – magazines everywhere, posters on the walls, and movies stashed in the back of the closet. I never sought out porn as an adult but the damage was already done. I was broken then and I’m still not fixed!
I avoided sex with my husband for a while because it caused me to sin. I’d been dissociating for years but started to feel convicted about it when my husband wanted to add more variety (nothing impure) to our sex life and I panicked. I shut down and didn’t want to be with him at all.
I found Sheila’s book a few months ago and then this blog, which have both really helped. I did confess to my husband and it went a lot better than I thought it would. At first I think he thought it was just a problem on occasion, but in sex therapy last week, it was finally clear to him that I have only been able to orgasm without dissociating a few times during our decade-long marriage. That was a hard blow for him, but he’s still here supporting me. He isn’t condemning me and just wants to work through it together.
We’re not sure what to do next. My husband asked me to try to change the images in my head to include him. Reasonable request. I tried. It didn’t work. It just stressed me out. I think I need to explain to him that the abstract images that I see are more about becoming the women that I saw in the posters as opposed to specific acts.
This is so confusing! I’m scouring the internet for information, and trying to research my way out of this. I’ve been trying to implement the information in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex with limited success. It’s easier said than done. Our therapist is helping, but I couldn’t find a Christian sex therapist in my city, so she’s missing the biggest part of the puzzle. There is NO WAY I would ever tell anyone in my church about this.
I’ve said more than I intended and I’m not sure how encouraging it has been. I will pray for you. I feel your pain.
I wish I could tell every dad (and mom) on the planet that having porn in your house not only wreaks havoc on your marriage, but puts huge holes in the foundation of a child’s sexual health.
Anonymous, I really do feel for you, and I understand. I’m planning to write a longer post in a little while that covers this in a lot more detail, because I’ve received so many emails about this lately. You’re exactly right, though–usually it’s about wanting to BECOME that woman than it is about wanting those particular men. But it is so damaging. And healing does take a long time!
I ended up here through your 50 shades posts, among others, including the Wifey Wed follow-up post to this one.
I know I was maturbating by Kindergarten and my brother (who is 20 years older than I) and his wife had porn in their house. They were my primary babysitters, especially when my parents were traveling for conferences. My parents would be mortified if they knew and I never told.
By middle school I was into the novels and in high school read some really racy stuff. I went through periods of online addiction as a single, but confessed to my husband before we were married. He had also struggled in the past. We started clean.
We were doing fine, other than one slip-up in a hotel that we both regretted. That was until I got pregnant with our second child, a boy. My drive went off the charts and he wasn’t home all day and with the Internet so accessible, I fell. It lasted for months but ended with the birth of the baby. I finally told him several months later. He forgave me and we moved on.
When I got pregnant with our 4th, another boy. I promised myself I wouldn’t go down that road, but the hormones were too much. I never confessed this fall, also not a 1-time occurrence.
Now with 4 kids under 8, I could care less about sex. My drive is just starting to come back (baby is 1 yr), but by the end of the day I’m just empty and “taking care of him” is sometimes just another chore, just someone else wanting something from me I don’t feel like I have. It’s not like that all the time — sometimes I’m happy to help him, even though I’m uninterested in participating for myself.
But yes, if I wanted to participate, I’d need those images in my head. I’d have to imagine I was that girl. To compound this, I have ADD and focusing is already a problem (plus baby is still in our room). I don’t want to see him seeing me. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel objectified because that’s what I use my eyes for.
Thanks for writing about this.
Hello, I was just reading your article and through the comments and one of the ladies stated that it was healthy to look at our spouse during sex. I have always kept my eyes shut while having sex however I’ve never really been able to fantasize or anything like that because I can’t really think. It’s kinda strange. I think I can think about the laundry but I can’t really think about anything sex related whether it’s my husband or anything else. The reason I can’t open my eyes during sex is because my husband grosses me out. Before sex I’ll be turned on and want to have sex but once we start I get bored and then my husband grosses me out. The problem is that if I open my eyes and see my husband I actually see my dad. My dad molested me twice when I was a little girl but that was enough to gross me out when it comes to sex. I struggle so much with trying not to hate sex and think it’s dirty and nasty. I try and remember that God created it and that it’s good but it’s so hard. So, I was just wondering if it was possible to be able to have sex with my husband and not be grossed out and think that he looks just like my dad. I love my husband but I don’t know how to enjoy him in bed. I could never say this to him either because he would be so hurt and disgusted to know that he reminds me of a child molester. By the way, thank you for this post and for all of the wonderful ladies who shared their stories.
My husband struggled with porn for years before being heavily convicted and gaining victory over it with God’s help and verses such as 2 Cor. 10:5b “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”. Recently my husband shared that at certain times during sex, if he is not feeling very aroused, those images come back to him & he has a hard time fighting them off because he feels the physical desire for “release”, as well as he does not want to disappoint me by not reaching orgasm (ie. I would feel like I failed in “turning him on”). While is was hurtful for me to hear, I am so thankful he shared that – now we can fight this together – he is able to share if that struggle is going on, and that may mean we just stop & move on to reading Scripture together or something totally different, & come back to sex later. I do not believe any marriage is really healthy when the wife or husband is not being open about such struggles… this openness may hurt initially, but it builds trust & TRUE INTIMACY.
Sheila,
Thank you SO MUCH for blogging about these issues. What a blessing it is to hear from 1) a woman who loves God 2) a wife who truly respects her husband and isn’t afraid to share it and 3) another woman who truly cares about the hearts of other women. This issue of porn with women is very touchy and sensitive and you have a great way of advising about it with guilt or shame.
I can relate to the story above mainly due to childhood abuse and accidental exposure to pornography at an early age. The images of those magazines have effected me deeply, in other words have made me have to struggle with images of impurity that otherwise should never have been there in the first place. I think the hardest thing right now as a wife to deal with is the shame and guilt that this brings. I am way TOO embarrassed to talk to anyone about this. I can be open to my husband or a counselor about anything, but pretty vague this.
Also to answer the question about how to protect our kids…I don’t have a good answer! I have 3 (almost 4 :)) kids and this is one of my BIGGEST fears for them. I sometimes take it to the irrational side of sheltering them from society’s onslaught of unhealthy sexual views. Maybe you could post something about protecting our children from this ? 🙂 if you haven’t already. Again thank you for your openness and God bless you in what He’s called you to do!
To begin I sat on a golf club on accident when I was 8. It was shorter than I was at the time. I was very tall and lanky. It went up “there”…and I started bleeding really badly. My mom thought that I had started my period. A few years later my friend Brittany and I had been looking up random stuff on the internet and we happened upon a sex education site. It explained everything from how to put on a condom, to male and female MB. A few days later I decided to try it out…no use of anything just previous make-out sessions with an ex-bf. That later escalated into something bigger. Watching porn. I was 14 and I had never had sex before because I was a Christian and believed in saving myself for marriage. Now that I am married I never realized that it was a big problem until I realized my husband’s addiction was worse than me watching it occasionally. We stopped having sex, in order for him to get aroused he had to think of the chicks in the porn. In order for me to get aroused I had to think of previous times with him. Alot of the time I would just lay there unresponsive. I just couldn’t enjoy it. So after he would go to sleep, I would get up and go turn it on. I understand his situation completely because I am partially going through it too.
I sit sobbing. I feel hopeful. I had no idea there were others and no idea it was because of my exposure. I was exposed multiple times in 5th & 6th grade, as well as molested. I just thought it was because there was something wrong with me. I have felt so ashamed I almost despise sex, although I have never denied him. I have prayed and prayed for deliverance. Looks like my deliverance begins today. Thank you. I am looking forward to learning to make love with my husband after 24 years of dissociation, but a little nervous too…
I have been there. I am there. My husband & I have been married just a few years and every time I engage in viewing pornography, I know that I’m hurting our marriage but the devil gets inside my head and lets me believe that he’ll never know. I do it out of boredom when I’m by myself, which, thankfully, is rare. I have to hide my tracks and I feel so guilty. I’ve been debating whether or not to tell my husband. He has been through this himself also but I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. I told him about my pornography problem while we were engaged and he said he had been through it also. We are looking for a new ministry and I know that this is one of the things that is keeping us from going where God wants us. Also, and please don’t read this the wrong way, but I think one of my consequences of this problem is not being able to have children. We desperately want a child, but deep in my heart, I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to conceive because this has been going on since I was so young and I haven’t gotten it right with the Lord. I want to love my husband the way I’m supposed to. I want to be right with God. I want God’s blessing on our life together. I want help & counseling but I’m so so scared to step out.
I am feeling very encouraged to read that I am not alone in this struggle. Being a Christian woman and serving in marriage ministry, i had absolutely noone to talk to. It has been a tough road in our marriage- our biggest fight being sexual intimacy. I was exposed very young also, molested at 4 years old. Playing with boys (touching each others private parts) from ages 7 to 10. I got a porn dvd in high school from a friend, and those images have never left me. I was fascinated, i was hooked to fantasizing. Then i met my husband, we engaged in heavy petting while dating but tried our best to stay pure till marriage. three months into marriage i realized my husband is a little more conservative than me. I wanted oral sex (like the stuff i watched in porn) he didn’t want to. i wanted sex more often he did not. I would approach him for sex- he would turn me down sometimes. That stung. Insecurities crept in. i felt rejection, and found solace and comfort in fantasizing and masturbating. I started disliking sex..i tried to openly communicate and even admitting to the fantasizing/masturbation…he was hurt, but still not willing to come out of his shell. he could easily go two weeks without sex, i cant. we have no children yet. now i am expectant, and this time i went on a binge. the hormones were ranging…the guilt was killing me. now i need to confess to him, and i am very afraid it will create a further wedge into a very tense situation. But i felt God convicting me to confess of any hidden sin, as it is a hindrance to prayer. so i am confessing here first, then to my husband. pray for me, pray for our marriage as i pray for you too. God bless.
I know this is an older post but this sin still prevails two years later.
Thank you so much for writing this article and to all the beautiful ladies who have commented. You’re all so beautiful and brave.
I want to encourage all the women who haven’t confessed their sin to their husband. Do not be afaid. The Lord will take you by your right hand and guide you. I have found freedo like never before after I told my fiancé of my porn and masturbating addiction. Marriage is giving your whole self to your spouse and since we are human, it’s gonna include failures too. I used to be so ashamed I couldn’t tell anyone. Never could bear the thought of having to tell my husband of this sin. And Satan was thriving in the secrecy. As soon as I confessed to my fiancé, this sin no longer had any power over me. I prayed to just be delivered and finally healing has come.
Now that it has I am left blinking in the bright light if God’s truth and I am waiting for him to lead me down the next road of healing. I can’t heal myself–God can.
I want to go back to the thought that marriage is a total gift of self… Yes, it will be painful but reminding yourself that marriage calls for union tell your husband so he can help you break those walls preventing true unity. Tell your husband so that a deeper love is formed after you make yourself vulnerable. Maybe he will become more vulnerable about himself and need your forgiveness. As much as you want forgiveness then wouldn’t you be all that much more ready to give it? Marriage is about being united mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. When you pay attention to those aspect to the diamond of marriage it become a so beautiful.
Anyway, I could go on and on. But God bless all of you ladies and I hope you are finding healing everyday.
I told myself that others must struggle with this same issue, but I had such a hard time actually believing it, because I rarely (if ever) saw anything addressing women and sexual problems of any sort. The only issue I’ve ever seen talked about it how to be open to your husbands ‘excessive’ need for sex. It couldn’t be more backwards at our house. I’m the one who always wants it, and yet, I know that if we do, I will have a very difficult time truly being “present,” I retreat into my mind and pull up images from many years ago in order to ‘make it all the way.’ I want so badly to be fixed and to be able to enjoy being intimate with my husband, but I’ve been at such a loss for what to do. I was on the verge of tears (happy tears) reading this article and all the comments. I am not alone in this, there can be true victory in Christ, I can be healed. I can’t wait to read your book and start working on things!
I was young when I first saw a movie with a sex scene. It was brief, but there was nudity. Around that same time, I discovered what an electric back-massager was capable of and began masturbating. This became the norm for me, every day, with those images in my mind. More images were added over the years, I don’t remember when I actually looked at porn on the internet, but that opened a whole new can of worms. There was a time that I was able to stop it all. I didn’t masturbate or look at porn for a few years maybe, I thought it was over. After I got married, something happened. I’m not sure what exactly, but I had a hard time getting aroused and those images came to mind and fixed that problem. I thought it was ok, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty. I tried to replace those thoughts with images of my husband; remembering times from our past and making up fantasies about the two of us. I’m at the point now, though, that I can hardly get aroused enough to enjoy sex without retreating into my mind. I want nothing more than to finally be over this. I feel it has been a lifelong battle.
Hi Shelia, thanks so much for writing about this subject. I’ve been so affected by disassociation for 19 years now in marriage! As the previous person wrote it’s been like a ‘life long battle’. Utterly agonising at times if I’m honest. My story is much the same as many posts before. Read lots of romance novels from an early age, discovered porn in the house, became sexually active from the age of 13. This happened in pure niavity whilst on holiday looking for my Prince Charming to fulfil my desire to feel loved and wanted. Of course he had other ideas. So my search for this unmet need went on until I turned 18 with other partners. It was then the Lord saved me by his grace. Since being married I’ve had so many struggles. Everything that’s been written about here makes so much sense. The Lord has been faithful in answering my prayer for help with this. Thank you to you also once again Shelia, and also thanks to the brave people who have posted on here about out their own stories. They have been very helpful indeed. It’s like a great big ball of knotted wool, which represents my life, has begun to become unraveled bit by bit.
I’m so glad that this post could help you! I know it’s such a struggle. I’m going to write a longer book about it soon, because I think this is very much neglected, and so many people deal with it. May God continue His healing in you.
I am completely overwhelmed by this article. I am thankful for the courage you had to write this. I am thankful to those who commented. I feel like you have really advanced a healing process that the Lord started many years ago but I still could not even begin putting the puzzle pieces together. It’s like a light is shining on a lifetime of confusion and darkness. Thank you. God bless you!
You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helped.
I’m on the verge of tears right now. I’m 24 years old, been married a year to my loving husband, but I just decided that I strongly dislike sex. It doesn’t hurt, but it hardly ever feels right. I don’t get aroused unless it’s by my own thoughts, and I never thought that that could be the source of the problem.
Three days ago I stumbled across your blog while frantically looking for answers to why I don’t like sex. I was depressed because of what I’ve put my husband through, I was angry at God for the way He designed sex, and I was ready to give up all together. But then I came across your post “When Christians Make It Sound Like Sex is Only ‘For Him'” and everything changed. Now here I am, three days later, and I’ve lost track of how many posts I’ve read.
And now, after reading this post, I know God lead me here. I’ve realized that I dissociate. I stumbled across erotic “literature” websites when I was 12 years old, and I had been touching myself (without knowing what masturbation was) even younger than that. For me it became a full-blown addiction into my college years, and even something I frequently struggled with right up until getting married. Although I no longer fall into the temptation of reading things or looking at things, I struggle with retreating back to it in my head. At times I find myself justifying it because I’m imagining myself and fantasizing with my husband in mind, but I never thought much about the fact that it was keeping me from the reality of the moment.
I know for myself talking to my husband will be beneficial, along with lots of prayer. I can’t express how much this post has helped me and opened my eyes to what the underlying problem has been for me from the start. If you have any more resources or information or posts or anything that could help me further in regards to this, please please please let me know! Praise God for speaking to me through your blog. Blessings to you!
I am SO SO glad that this helped you and that God used it as a lightbulb moment for you! That’s wonderful. And it really is the beginning of the journey! Not trying to sell you anything here, but honestly, 31 Days to Great Sex might really help you and your husband, especially since you’re relative newlyweds. It helps you talk about this stuff, but also takes you step by step through how to figure out what your body DOES like (and you may realize that there are things that feel good!). And it does talk about stopping that retreat into your head. So you may want to check that out. And it’s super cheap, too. But I’m so glad that this helped you!