Every Wednesday on this blog we talk marriage! Today I want to talk about what happens in a marriage when HE isn’t interested in sex.
Last fall I spoke at a conference, and they also asked me to give a breakout session on libido differences (a subject I cover at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex).
A bunch of women came up to me and asked if I’d be considering the other point of view–when he’s not in the mood. They didn’t want to sit through a session, they said, where everybody complained about how high their husband’s sex drives were, when for them it was the opposite. So I amended my talk, looked at both perspectives, and I think it was quite informative for all of us.
If you’re going through something similar, though, I hope that you understand that you not alone. I know many women who go through this in marriage are often greeted with jeers from their friends–“I wish my husband would give me a break sometimes!”. That doesn’t help. You feel like a freak because how come everyone else’s husband wants sex, and yours doesn’t? But you’re not a freak.
It used to be that in about 30% of marriages the female had the higher sex drive.
We’re not sure of the numbers now, but many experts say it’s approaching 50%. When doing research for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found this to be a huge problem, too. In some cases, it’s simply a physical issue. If he will, get him to talk to the doctor. In others, it’s a case of stress at work (or stress of unemployment). If it’s stress, find ways to spend more time together, and talk more. Don’t try to fix his problem; that can emasculate him. But let him know that you believe in him.
The main culprit of a low male sex drive, though, of course, is pornography.
The more men are into pornography, the less they are into sex in real life. Pornography trains the brain to be aroused by an image, and not a relationship, and is extremely destructive. If your husband is into pornography, get help! Talk to a pastor. Talk to a mentor. Visit www.pureintimacy.org. It’s not okay to be a porn addict. It’s not harmless. It just isn’t.
Let’s assume, though, that it’s not pornography just for a moment. There’s no sexual sin involved per se; it just isn’t working for him. Let me suggest something. Often when there is a problem in the marriage it shows up in the bedroom. But because the SYMPTOM is in the bedroom, we often think the SOLUTION is too. So we concentrate on solutions that have to do with sex–buying lingerie, playing risque games, getting toys, trying new things.
In reality, often the solution is found outside the bedroom.
Sex embodies our spiritual, emotional, and relational selves.
What I often suggest to women whose husband have a low sex drive that isn’t due to a physical problem is that you work on your friendship. Spend more time together. Take a walk after dinner. Find a hobby you can enjoy together. Do something that he likes, even if you don’t (like watch hockey games) simply so you can be together.
Often couples get into a rut where they spend their lives doing errands and watching TV. That isn’t going to help your relationship. If you want to spice things up, don’t look at the bedroom. Look at the gym. Or the ice rink. Or the restaurant. Do stuff together. Cultivate a real relationship. Start talking again.
Often this helps you feel connected, and then, even if the sex doesn’t always follow, at least you feel more kindly towards each other.
Finally, I’d really recommend that you look at how you talk to your husband. It’s amazing how easy it is to undermine our men. I know many good, Christian women who belittle their husbands in public quite a bit without apparently realizing it. When you open up your mouth to say something about your husband to others, make sure it’s laudatory. Praise him in some way. If he’s telling a story and he’s getting it wrong, don’t correct him all the time. Let it go. And when you’re alone, make sure that you express gratitude as much as you express criticism. Even more. I have known men who have withdrawn sexually simply because they had ceased to feel like men in the relationship. The woman had taken over everything, and she hadn’t even realized it.
If sex is an issue in your relationship, then, and it’s not an issue of stress of work or a physical problem, look at those three issues: pornography, friendship, and your communication dynamic. Work on them, and you may find that your intimacy gets better! But it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. And that means it also takes a lot of prayer, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Hubby and I have experienced this in our early months of marriage. For us, I think it was a combination of several things: the stress of having a baby early on in marriage, his new job, moving away from all of our family, our communciation…it was everything. After spending months and months crying and argueing we finally broke down and started trying to fix things.
It took a lot of prayer and a lot of rebuilding, and we still work on it today. You're right. It took much more than just lingerie and 'spicing things up.' That helped some, but nothing like the quality time we started making for one another and the conversations we had. What a great topic. I'm glad to know that we weren't the only ones to have experienced this.
>What a great post, Shelia!
This was an issue in the 4-6th year of our marriage. And here is why:
1. Pornography (him)
2. stress of him being in school full time while I was home raising our 2 little ones at home.
3.still learning to communicate with one another.
Thankful, eventually with the grace of God, the porn habit was dealt with (was a long process of healing…not a quick fix!), we learned to deal with the stress of life better and we worked on communicating. It's no longer an issue and we love our intimacy together. I certainly do feel compassion towards woman who are being "rejected" in the bedroom though. Much time has passed but I remember the pain of it all. Much blessing to you all who are right now walking through it. I encourage you to do just that: get through it…there is hope! 🙂
>This has been an ongoing struggle in my marriage.
Stress + erectile dysfunction + infertility = sex as a chore and something to be avoided.
Making the focus of our relationship our friendship has helped a lot — and me taking the pressure off of our sex life helped the most.
We have three kids now, and you can add sleep deprivation to the above list. But we do make intimacy a priority — and not just physical intimacy. We don't have a lot of sex — about twice a month — but it's good and it works for us!
Thanks for a great post.
>This is something we have struggled with also. We went through the sex is a chore also because of PCOS and Infertility but we finally overcame that. then we went through it because of having a child in bed with us. Right now we are going through it but we are working together on this issue and trying to strengthen our relationship through God and each of us is working on it. We haven't ever dealt with porn issue thank God. I do have a habit of correcting him. I am working really hard and trying to be a more submissive Christian wife. It is hard for me because I have a lot of trust issues because of abuse I suffered and a child and teen but I am so thankful he loves me like he does. We have been together for 15 years and married 9 and a half years now.
>Ditto on the PCOS and infertility, which was just so incredibly stressful, followed by my experiencing postpartum psychosis after our youngest was born (big reason she's the youngest). We've had some huge stresses in our marriage so far. Most of the problem, though, is just physical. He has health problems that have made sex a consistent problem. He's had various medications that have caused problems with everything from libido to erectile dysfunction. Unfortunately, I have a very active libido, which probably would have put us out of balance with each other even without his health problems.
It's been very difficult at times. There are days when I just want to cry and I ache so badly for him to desire me or regard me with passion. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm married to a whole person, not just a body, and that I love him and want to be with him regardless of this problem.
What I find most difficult about it is struggling to find a way to control my desires so that I don't fall into temptation. I have to be very careful about what I watch, listen to, and read. I keep other men at arm's length and don't let myself have male friends. I'm too physically lonely and too vulnerable to take chances in this area. (Which is also frustrating, since I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this type of problem once I got married. There are times I feel as frustrated and lonely as I did when I was single.)
>This is such a devastating issue for women to go through–my husband and I struggled with this a LOT during the first year of our marriage. Thankfully i had a good friend (who got married on the same day)who also had the same issue w/her husband at first in their marriage so we were able to help each other through it. It really messes with you as a woman though b/c our culture in constantly drilling into our heads how much men are obsessed with sex and when your husband isn't you feel like less of a woman.
I'm not sure exactly what happened, but my husband pursues me in that way now and it really makes all the difference! We still don't "do it" as much as some people but we've found a good balance for us. For our relationship, I think a lot of it came down to me allowing him to lead and not being overly aggressive in that way.
In general, I think sex is hard for Christian women b/c we have these high and often unrealistic expectations of what it should look like, and many christian women are too embarrassed to discuss it so it never gets fixed. Being able to openly and honestly discuss sex both with your spouse and with a close female friend is so helpful.
>My man reads my blog, so no post on this and I was super busy yesterday, so I am late. Also, I've been on a blog break lately due to a surgery and Christmas…etc
In the early days, we were both equally "needy". Then stress set in. BIG time. Now, he is tired and stressed a lot. He is also in school again.
He says that it's not that he doesn't want to. I think his tiredness just takes over. For me, it doesn't matter how tired I am…or anything else.
He wants me to initiate more. But I am SO self-conscious and due to baggage that still plagues me from my childhood, initiating does not come easy for me. Plus, then I just feel like he's doing it for me, not b/c he wanted to.
From the length of these comments, I think you hit a nerve for several of us.
Thank you for this post!
>Hi Robin (and all):
I think I did hit a nerve! Thanks for commenting, everybody. I know it's a difficult subject.
Unfortunately sex is one of those things that impacts the rest of our lives, too. Robin said her baggage makes initiating hard; others say that they're really battling temptation now. It is a rough road, isn't it?
I don't have easy answers, except to say that God is always there with you. I hope this becomes a safe place to talk about these things (even if you do have to do so anonymously!)
>With my hubby, it's a health issue. He has a variety of medical issues and is on QUITE a few medications. This has been going on a while, and I'm sure it's also partly "being out of the habit."
But God is SO good – things have begun picking up a bit.
I coming to this website at 10:45 pm because I am struggling to understand this issue in my marriage. I have spent many, many nights praying, crying, and wondering what is wrong with me?? Am I that undesirable?? Is God punishing me?? My husband is a wonderful man and an amazing father to our daughter. He doesn’t have issues with porn. He’s a Christian man. We have been married 2 years and its been the hardest years of my life. i have never been this rejected in my entire life. He struggles with low libido and and he’s very insecure. Although he shouldn’t be because he’s incredibly good looking!! We are 9 years apart and it’s as if he’s got it all out of his system before we got married and I just get sex when he feels up to it. It’s extremely painful. I am so lonely!! Sometimes I wish I could just leave or scream at him and tell him how bad it hurts! We “did it” the other night (1st time in a year!!) and we both loved it!! But I can’t get him to want to do it again.. And here I am going crazy! I don’t wish this type of rejection and pain on anyone but it does help to know others are going through the same pain. Thankfully we are seeing a marriage counselor so hopefully he can help us figure this out.. Until then, let the pain continue.. Prayers for strength please.
I relate so much to what you are saying. I have been married nearly 3 years and we have only made love 9 times. I was a virgin when we married and I still feel like one now. My husband has a problem with alcohol and porn, which is a very bad combination, and I know this, but it still feels like it is me who is unattractive and undesirable. I waited so long for marriage and sex, and now I am all but out of time regarding having children. I sometimes feel I would sacrifice the hope of a sex life if only I could have enough to have a child or children. I push the feelings down and ignore them. But when I found myself searching online and then sobbing when I read your post, I know that it really does affect me a lot. I don’t know what to do.
saw this as hubby and i are struggling as well. i feel soo unwanted and.dejected that.i really feel upset towatds him for making me feel this way. every month or two we have this arguement where i.end up accusing him of not wanting.me anymore..he says he is tired/tensed with work etc etc and says.we.will have sex more often but it never happens. i tell him to atleast mention the fleeting thoughts he might be having or.even just kiss me every day and.i will manage which.he promises to do but.never.does eventually. life is sooo tough & i dont even have any close enough family/friends to have a talk with…:-( 🙁
I don’t know about other couples. But my fiance has a great way to approach me when I’m not in the mood. She doesn’t say a word and holds me so tightly. I can never push her away when she does that. I just melt in her arms and you know what happens next. Many women might think that will reduce their self respect, but it isn’t. I respect my darling for taking the first step to make us closer in a tough time. We worked out beautifully for 4 years and the last 2 years without a single fight.
My husband and I have only been married a few months. I grew up in a home where my parents were really open about being physical. He grew up in a home where French kissing was disgusting and should never be done. He also works 10 hour days. My sisters all have great sex life’s and try to tell him that we should have it more often then once every 3 weeks or so. I feel so defeated and I felt very alone until I read this post. It is good to see my husband isn’t the only one with a super low sex drive. He’s told me that he doesn’t think of it as a way he shows love to me. He has it in his head that it is all physical and that’s the only part I like. I feel so needy when I ask him to have sex with me. For him it’s nothing more then hard work. I plan on ordering your book to try and learn more ways I can be a better wife.
I’m devastated by reading these posts, and can relate to everyone on here. I’ve waited 33 years until marriage for sex… For nothing. My husband is not attracted to me, in fact, is turned off… We are seeing a Christian therapist but are not making progress. He says I’m too wound up which is a turn off. I’m attracted, fit, great career and work hard to be a good wife. If I had any idea I’m not sure I’d be married. I’m so LONELY and jealous of other couples… At least being single I received male attention. I just had no idea this would happen…. Trying to look at marriage as a cross but I’m so hurt ….
We have the same problem. Been married 8 years now. We have sex on average once every 3-4 months. Once we do it it is great but the frequency is just not enough. Re: that comment how women should make a first step. I do! If I did not we would probably never had sex at all. Quite often I do try to arouse him etc and I get physically rejected. Sex now feels like as if I am a prositute – he never does any foreplay to me , never kisses me like he used to do when we were dating .. I constantly feel like a sex obsessed and often think of having sex with him. I really love him and he is a good daddy but he does not make me feel like a woman. He also mentioned that he has a problem with my slightly increased weight. I don’t think he watched porn but I think he did in the past and he has some image I have to fit into to feel desirable. I can hardly remember when he initiated sex himself or when he said that he finds me sexy or attractive.
Forgot to mention. I also have polysictis ovaries so at times my hormones are through the rough and I just desire so Much. Does not make it feel easy. Also.. I never rejected him or if , in early years, I did not feel up for sex when he wanted it, I always made sure that I meet him halfway in what he wants. 🙁 this sucks really, I am an attractive 35 yo woman and have a sex life of a 80 year old.
I have a similar situation, but my question is: what if our sex life has been great for many years and slowly started to decline. We’ve been married for 10 years, eachother’s first, had an amazing sex life. Never went longer than 2 weeks without sex through our whole relationship with the exception of recovery after giving birth (we have 3 kids now),even than i didn’t always wait the full 6weeks. But the last 2 years our intimacy took a turn for the worst. The time lapses got longer, the communication started to crumble and affection almost non existant. I just gave birth to our 3rd baby 2 months ago, so thia has been happening at least a year prior to pregnancy. He has his own business and says its the stress at work and exhaustion, but its always been stressful not just the last couple years. He has become colder and distant with time but keeps reassuring me that it’s not me, its work. Porn is an issua as well. I knowhe has had it since we got married, it surfaces up once in a while withome even looking for it. I don’t know whay constitutes an addiction, but the porn is definitely there. I try to confront him about it once in few years, but he never wants to talk about it. In,our recent conversation he denied it completely, yet followed it with a statement “when i watched it i used to be horny 24/7”. That really stuck with me. Was i ever the reason for his sex drive? Was i ever enough or was our whole sex life a lie. We r trying to work on our relationship now. But i want tofigure out what the real issue is without beeinf too pushy or nagging. Because no matter how much he reasures me verbally that he still wants me and that its just work and stress, i can’t help but take it personal that my husband doesn’t have the need to touch me or has to remember to give me a kiss in 4months.
I feel better knowing there are other women that are experiencing the same thing I have been going through. My husband and I are intimate once or twice a month. We both are very active at work and with our children. He is not into porn but he is a sports crazed fanatic. He seems to have no desire for me nor does he want to be intimate. We may have sex once or twice a month but will orgasm with in the first 2 minutes. When I try to explain how I am not feeling satisfied, he shuts down even more. This situation has made me feel so undesirable and my confidence in myself as a woman has deteriorated. Should I continue to please him with out any satisfaction for myself? He swears he is faithful to our marriage and he resents me for even questioning his faith. I feel alone as well.
I also would like to know as Denise asks, as a Christian wife and Mom should I continue to meet my husband’s sexual needs when he isn’t meeting mine? Most if not all of our almost 20yr marriage my sex drive has been higher than his. Recently it’s gotten even worse. I feel so inadequate and unsatisfied. If I wasn’t a Christian I prob would have left or cheated long ago.
We were into relationships since last seven years and got married a year before.. I am really upset with my husband’s behavior.. He doesn’t like to have sex at all.. Everytime i need to force him.. Its just twice or thrice in a month.. Donno wat is the problem coz he is not stressed, nor he watches porn, and we both are best of friends..i have expressed my feelings to him many tim
after less than 3 months of marriage my husband stopped having sex with me. I have to put on a fight every time i want to have sex. i check his web history, his not into porn but i dont kw if he masturbates when im not around. he drinks and smokes a lot and has a huge ego and that’s the reason why he won’t go see a doctor to sort out this matter. im going under a lot of stress and heart break because of this. i don’t know what to do about it and eventually i will get fed of begging for sex from him.