Discipline in the “Terrible Twos”. What a handful of responsibility!
Yet why do we call them terrible? It’s because at two, kids start really stretching their limits. And so it can be a difficult time to parent. Yet with some forethought, those years really don’t have to be terrible. They’re just years when you’re first starting to see your child’s personality, and you can first start to have real conversations. They can really be the “terrific twos”!
And I firmly believe that the more you discipline–or help a child learn to behave properly–up to the age of 3 or 4, the less you have to discipline a child around ages 15-17.
And it’s at 15-17 when they can get into some serious trouble! That’s why it’s so important that toddlers are taught to respect your authority and to obey.
I know “obey” is a dirty word.
We don’t want to impose our wills on these bright, impressionable children. But let’s not forget that they are “children”. They are not adults. They don’t know everything. And they need to be taught to channel their energies in the right direction. Besides, it gives them a feeling of security when they realize that they are not in charge of this big, huge world.
When they know there are checks and balances, and that Mommy and Daddy will stop them from doing something bad, they actually feel freer to explore this world than when they are given no limits at all.
So let’s move into 6 principles when you’re thinking about disciplining toddlers–in the midst of the Terrible Twos!
1. Keep Your Toddlers to a Schedule/Routine
Institute a schedule or routine so that the children know what to expect, and you are less likely to need much formal discipline.
One of the reasons kids act out is because they are confused or overwhelmed because they don’t understand what is going on. That’s why kids are more likely to act like brats in a new situation meeting all your relatives, for instance. It’s unfamiliar.
On the other hand, most kids thrive with a schedule.
As much as possible, then, stick to one! Up at 7, play until 7:45, then breakfast. Play until 10, then outing. Home for lunch. Do a craft. Take a nap. Etc. etc. And try to make outings have similar themes! Have toys that you only take on outings. Go to the library at the same time on the days that you go. When kids know what to expect, they are far more likely to relax and enjoy it than to get upset and start acting out.

2. Make Allowances for Toddlers
Kids are kids, and often we expect them to be able to behave better than perhaps we should.
When my girls and I used to grocery shop when they were babies and toddlers, I would stick them into the grocery cart and then head immediately to the produce department, where I would buy two bananas. Then I’d go to the checkout and pay for my two little bananas. I’d keep the receipt handy, in my pocket, and I’d let the girls eat the bananas while we shopped. That kept them from fussing or from trying to touch all the food. If they already had food, they were far more likely to enjoy the experience.
It’s unrealistic to expect a 2-year-old to sit calmly in a grocery cart in the middle of all that food for half an hour or 45 minutes while you get a huge shop done.
Buy them a healthy snack at the beginning, and you get away from a lot of trouble.
Similarly, if you’re waiting at a doctor’s office, or at another appointment, it’s unrealistic to expect them to sit calmly there, too. I always kept a few small toys and several books in my bag, and whenever we were out at stuff like that I’d whip them out and keep them occupied. It works well at restaurants, too.
I know it doesn’t look like the first two have much to do with discipline, but I believe that if we aren’t unreasonable with our children, and if we have a routine, kids in general will behave better. Now let’s turn to the times when they don’t behave.
3. Determine the root cause.
Before you discipline, figure out if this is really a character issue.
My oldest daughter threw temper tantrums like there was no tomorrow when she was 2. She’d get upset about something–like we had to leave the park–and she’d start screaming. The problem was she couldn’t stop. She’d get to the point where her temper tantrum had nothing to do with what set her off. She was just screaming now because she was overwhelmed with her emotions.
It’s frustrating as a parent, but much of life as a 2-3 year-old is learning things, and one thing you have to learn is handling emotions. Becca just couldn’t do it at the time (she’s still working on calming herself down when she feels panicky or upset, but she’s much better at it at 15).
If you can see that it’s not that she or he is being defiant, but it’s just that they’re tired or overwhelmed, that can temper your anger.
It doesn’t mean you don’t discipline; it just makes you a little more sympathetic.
I would take Becca, in the middle of these tantrums, and talk quietly to her but make it clear that she couldn’t be with the family or with other people if she was going to scream and thrash like that. We’d either remove her from the room we were in, or, if she was thrashing too much, I’d hold her on my lap, not talking to her, until she was able to calm down.
I never bribed her or tried to get her interested in something else. She needed to learn how to calm herself down.
That’s the main lesson she needed to get out of her temper tantrums, and if I calmed her down by giving her something, like chocolate, than the lesson was thrown out the window.
It was frustrating because it’s hard to listen to her screaming, but we’d either put her in a room and let her cry on her bed or I’d hold her on my lap, keeping her arms down, so she wasn’t a harm to anybody.
4. Keep Discipline Immediate and Quick.
Kids don’t have long attention spans, and they don’t always understand things when there’s too much time between infraction and punishment.
If they’ve just bitten somebody, then you must respond right then. If my children were at playgroup, for instance, and they did something horribly inappropriate, like biting or throwing a tantrum, we would leave. They were very upset about that, and it often made the tantrum worse, but they had to learn that they couldn’t act that way in that setting.
Kids need to learn that in public there are certain things you can’t do, like screaming, or hitting, or being violent.
If they were, they lost their chance to play.
If you’re going to institute something like this, don’t lecture them or be mad. Just treat it like it’s natural. “It’s too bad we have to leave now, but that’s what happens when you bite. Maybe we’ll be able to come back tomorrow if you decide not to bite again.” Then don’t yell at your kids. You’ve already punished them. Let them understand that it was their choice to leave, since they did the biting. Next time, if they make a different choice, then you can stay.
But it must be immediate.
Don’t dilly dally and wait around and second guess yourself, or you’ve lost the chance. You can always come back another time, and it does help kids learn to control themselves when they see that they lose something important to them.
5. Be Consistent–or You Reinforce the “Terrible Twos”
It’s better NOT to discipline or threaten if you’re not going to follow through in the same way all the time.
If you are going to make it a rule that everyone tries two bites of everything on their plate, for instance, then you have to make them have two bites of everything. You can’t do it one night and not the rest, or you’ll have to start from scratch all over again. They’ll know they can push the limits.

If you’re going to let it go sometimes, but not others, you just confuse kids, and you actually put yourself in a worse situation.
It’s better to have small consequences that you always enforce than some big ones you’re haphazard about, because you just confuse kids about the rules.
So don’t threaten something in anger. Ask yourself, “can I really follow through? Can I follow through like this on another day, too? Is this something I can regularly do?” And if it’s not, don’t do it. When kids feel there’s a CHANCE they can get away with something, they’re more likely to push the limits than if they feel like there are no limits at all, if that makes any sense. It’s better not to do anything than to do it halfway.
With toddlers, choose small things to discipline about. Remove a toy. Have them stand in time out for 3 minutes. Take them out to the car if they’re acting up in a restaurant. Leave a playgroup. As for spanking, you can do this if you want to, but I never recommend it because some people do spank in anger, and that’s dangerous. If you don’t spank in anger, and you’re controlled and calm, then that’s really up to you. I just don’t want to get involved in that decision-making chain of yours!
Let me tell you, though, that some research has shown that spanking is much more effective for boys than for girls. Girls often react badly. Boys often react well. Nevertheless, you know your kids, and you choose what is best for them. (Here are my top 10 discipline ideas that don’t involve spanking).
One more thing:
6. Try not to yell.
Yelling scares kids and undermines your authority.
Enforce consequences instead in a nice voice. “It’s too bad you can’t play with bunny anymore today, but Mommy warned you, and I have to take it away now.” Yelling creates a horrible environment in the home, and it’s not necessary except in really bad circumstances. Kids are far more likely to accept a consequence when you announce it in a firm but normal voice than if you go off the deep end.
I hope that helps! Leave your comments and other ideas below!
>I have a question. For background, I'm pregnant with my first child, so I have absolutely NO experience disciplining kids, other than going by very clear guidelines that their parents have given me. It makes perfect sense to me to say "we have to leave playgroup/the party/the park now because you've chosen to bite/throw a trantrum/whatever." My question comes in in the situation where you have multiple kids there–twins or closely spaced siblings. How, then, do you make leaving the natural consequence/punishment for one's bad behavior without punishing the other, who may have been behaving just fine?
>Hi Deborah–
Good question! You're right–that response works best if you only have one child. I would say that if the other siblings are younger, like say under 2, you should pack up and leave anyway. They'll just think the playtime's over and they'll go along with it eventually.
If the other children are old enough to understand, then you have a bit of a problem. I'd say, in general, set a limit, and give everybody 15 more minutes and then we have to go, and take the offending child and make them sit with you for that remainder of the time. That way the older ones get to say good-bye and get accustomed to the fact that they will have to leave, while the younger one is with you.
Sometimes you just have to punish everyone. It's not fair to the others, but it's a family. And the good thing is you tend to only need to do it one or two times and then they know you're SERIOUS. After that, a warning usually suffices to get everyone to agree! But you have to follow through with something drastic first to make the kids sit up and take notice!
>Great post Sheila! This is precisely how I parent my toddler! He is 20mo and getting into what many call the "NO" stage, lol!
I quited your entire post on my blog, you can find the post here: http://inhisimageacademy.blogspot.com/2010/01/discipline-in-terrible-twos-by-sheila.html
>Thanks for this Sheila! It's funny. I had one of those moments with my son (2 1/2) yesterday in the store. It was quite the humbling experience! I actually posted about it on my blog and did a link to yours. I did laugh when I read your blog today, realizing that it's about what I had written. Thanks so much for your input. Sometimes mothers of toddlers just like to hear that they're not alone. This discipline stuff is hard work!
Love everything you said I’m a mother of a terrible 2
>I have an "emergency" matchbox car in my pocket nearly all the time. Nuff said lol!
>Oh, one more note, can we please stop referring to them as the terrible twos? I call them the Terrific Twos becasue it's such a fun age when they start learning things and interacting with and understanding everything around them. Perhaps a change of phrasing will take away all the negativity involved with rambunctious toddlers. Just a thought.
>You are right! Routine helps. We have a routine and on the days that we are off it seems that EVERYONE is off. We love our routing.
Consistency is also HUGE. My kids are learning that the rules are the rules no matter where we are. If they act up at grandma's house they still have the same consequences as they do at home.
A little before my daughter turned one she started resisting (a lot) during diaper changes. I would calmly tell her "Mommy is boss and we are going to change your diaper." She eventually started understanding that and now if we are in public and she starts to act up I just whisper in her ear "Who's boss?" It lets her know it's not worth fighting because she won't win. It may seem like a silly thing but it works for us and it lets her know who's in charge.
Another point on consistency… it's really important for a mom and dad to be together on discipline. When we have an issue with the kids we will talk about how to deal with it and be on the same page. I think that has made a big difference with out kids. The two's really haven't been too bad at all.
>I have so much to say with three kids ages 1-5 but I think you, Sheila, pretty much covered it all! However, did you ever run into issues with bed times/getting out of bed/etc.? Just curious how you handled that one! 🙂
>I am 12 (boy) and have a sister (19) She says that I was a very difficult child from 2 so my parents started to spank me. My sister was never spanked. She tells me (cos I don't remember) that I responded well to the spankings so parents did it whenever I got in trouble. But as I grew they increased the spankings, so now I get almost each week a long punishment with belt or cane on my bare bottom and also on my bare legs. It hurts a lot and in school i get teased because I have visible marks on my legs (I always wear shorts).
So be careful, if you start spanking at low age, it can get very hard later.
Mik
This is abuse. Tell someone you trust who can help you (a teacher or another adult). If they don’t listen tell someone else and keep telling people until someone helps you. Look in the phone book or online and find Family and Children’s Services and call them yourself. I hope you get help, your parents should not be treating you this way.
Absolutely! I must have missed this comment when the blog switched over, but this is definitely abuse. Spanking a 12-year-old is wrong, and doing so in this way is wrong. Please ask your sister or a teacher to get help, or consult the phone book!
>I have a 22 month onld and an 11 month old. My 22 month old gets into everything and we started teaching him no and right from wrong around 6 months so he understood b4 he was a year old what no meant and all that but now he's not been listening he gets mean to his brother and stopped feeding himself I'm going crazy with 2 kids so close. I need advice on what to do I have actually fixed the not feeding himself but he doesn't eat that much is that normal for one kid to not eat very much and for the other younger one to eat like a pig? Anyway I need help! I can use suggestions and tips on just about everything from potty training which we r doing pretty good at to discipline and not listening. I do spank or I would call it was swat on his butt but I don't do it in anger and I don't do it hard it doesn't phase him so I'm guessing its prlly not doing anything. It hurts his feelings sometimes but he's the kind of kid that u really don't hurt his feelings too easily. Please help thanks!
Your oldest is simply JEALOUS!! Give him some special time alone with you, lket him help with the baby, don’t compare him negatively to the younger one don’t let him feel that he’s “bad” and the baby is “good”… He’s very young, don’t expect too much of him, he’s a baby too!! And please, please, please, DO NOT potty train him just yet. He’ll leave the nappies when he’s ready! You’re putting too much pressure on your biggest baby. Relax!!
>Jessica,
Thanks for your comment! You do have your hands full with two so close together.
The best I can tell you is that sticking to a schedule so that the kids learn what to expect and when to expect it will help a lot. If he knows now it's play time, and then it's clean up time, and then it's nap time, and it's that way everyday, he's more likely to listen.
I wouldn't concentrate so much on the "negative" discipline like spanking right now as much as on setting up schedules, planning times when he does have your attention, like reading or playing, and then other times when he'll have to learn to play on the kitchen floor while you cook or something.
And yes, it is normal for a 2-year-old to stop eating!
Hi Sheila,
Your information in this post will be a great benefit to new mothers. My children are parents today and the one thing I believe moms might want to stop doing is telling their children what they are going to do and then finish with “OK?”. This is very confusing for children as it seems they are being given a choice but that is not really what the moms have in mind. It is a tough habit to break but I think moms would find their children will listen better if the question OK? is never asked. It is truly a challenge to raise children that understand who is in charge but I completely agree that beginning this type of training at a young age will provide much better teenage years. Thanks for your wisdom!
Kay, that’s a great point! I’ve actually written a column about that right here, called “Obey, Okay?” Okay is not a good word in that context!
I’m already hooked on your site and have signed up for the weekly articles. The article you wrote about O’kay is excellent. Perhaps it would be a good one to bring back since it is in the 2008 archives. I don’t see much written about not using this at the end of a statement to a child. I liked the comment about using the word “understand” instead.
My youngest daughter struggled with postpartum depression and consequently, she allowed her daughter to stay in their king sized bed so it would be easier to nurse since she was worn out. Do you have any articles about helping a 3-year old understand she must stay in her bed instead of her habit of wanting to come in her parents bed in the middle of the night. I fear the idea of co-sleeping will backfire on other parents as well. Your Godly wisdom shines through each post, Sheila.
Nothing wrong with sleeping with the parents… my three children slept with us untile they requested their own bed (at ages 2,5; 3,5 and 20month respectively. It makes life easier for everyone and it’s great for their self-esteem,
I am a grandmother of 5, 4 living. The oldest is almost 16 and the youngest is 5 months. My darling little 3 year old boy has recently become an angry child. He throws anything that is in his hand at any given time. He has begun to hit me. He says he doesn’t love me or whoever he is angry with at the moment. I have raised 3 children of my own and have dealt with tantrums, conflicts, etc., but nothing like this. He is so young to be so angry all the time. He has a mom and dad who love him dearly and an extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents all of whom are a part of his life and make fun, happy activities, outings, and play time, like most families do. He and his mom live with me and I see my daughter’s anger come out a lot. She is not what you would call a happy go lucky kind of person. She uses much restraint when dealing with him sometimes and sometimes she yells and puts him in time out and threatens to take his toys away, to no avail. No discipline is ever to the extreme when it comes to him, but this will happen 10 times a day. My daughter will reprimand him so negatively with her words. I think her anger is transferring over to him and because he is only 3, not knowing how to handle his emotions they are coming out in this physically and verbally angry way. I am at my wits end in trying to deal with him. He is in my care a lot let alone in my household daily. I want to be smart when I discipline him and yet after the third time of being kicked I start to feel defeated. I do not let him get away with bad behavior, ignoring him does no good, time outs don’t work and we do not spank, but it escalates sometimes to such a level it lasts for 20 minutes and I run out of ideas to calm him down and/or hold him accountable for his bad behavior. He can be angry first thing in the morning, mid-day, bedtime. Please give me some advice on how to handle his bad behavior. I don’t want the feelings that I don’t want to be around him and deal with his actions and words. He is 3! I have prayed for God to give him a sweet and happy heart. He is such a sweetheart when he is not angry and can melt your heart with his love. He is smart and full of energy and is hugged and kissed so much. It hurts me
to see him act this way. I need some wise direction on how to handle him. Anyone who has experienced a child who is like this, please advise me. I love him so much. Thank you.
NMy son was like that. What worked for us, after trying pretty much everything- waqs holding him tight, embracing him so that this arms are restrained and he cant harm you or anything else, but he feels your embrace as a physical limit. ANd wait till the anger subsides and the child starts crying and finally clams himself down. It can take an awfully long time at first, but they’ll end up asking for an embrace as soon as they feel frustrated or angry or sad, because it feels so good for them. It means you are literraly there for them. And please, never ever ignore an angry child (I’ve done it too, especially if I was angry myself). My son was very difficult between 3 nd 4,, bt he’s a lovely, if strong-willed, little man now at almost 8.
For #2, our grocery store often gives out a free slice of bologna to kiddies at the deli counter. I try not to shop near mealtimes, but if I am, I’ll often pick up some deli meat first thing and ask for a slice of bologna, which keeps my daughter happy for the rest of the trip.
My mom used to purchase a few slices of salami for my brother and me when we were little. Because it’s weighed and marked with the price at the deli counter, it saved her going through the checkout line twice. A banana is definitely healthier 😉 but on days where that extra step of lining up twice is too much, the deli counter can be really helpful. So long as you don’t mind explaining to the checkout person why you’re paying for an empty bag. 😉
Dear Moms of young kids: My two kids, now 15 and 18, were absolutely charming 2 year olds. But at three? That was a different story. So glad I had already been following much of Sheila’s advice. While I certainly did have times/days when it was tough, very tough, we weathered the storm fairly well. I’m sharing this so that those of you who also have charming two’s will be ready. They will begin to assert their independence at some point! Please do hang in there. It’s a delight to have kids who are loved, know it, well adjusted and enjoy life! So it’s worth the tough days!
As a cashier at a grocery store I always see parents get their children an apple, banana, or string cheese. I’m always getting empty packages of one thing or another, no big deal! We are very used to it! I also see a lot of parents that will give their child one of those little iPads/electronic devices (the ones for children). I’m not a mom but I hope this helps with the grocery store aspect!
Great post! My 23mo is starting to become defiant… But only with me. She is an angel with her dad. The second i walk into the room the whining starts. Im a stay at home mom & we are constantly active all day. Does she see me as a ‘push-over’?
Another Q…what are your thoughts on electronic devices? I have an old iPhone loaded with learning videos for her. Mostly Baby Sign language, Curious George & Sesame Street. Its a nice distraction while we shop but I’m afraid of her getting too reliant on it. Someone told me it will be easier to limit her use of it when she is older.
Thoughts?? Thank you! Love your blog!!
Hi Sarah, she definitely is trying to push your limits! She could be picking up on stress from you, too. So just try to take some down time if you can and then definitely enforce good consequences–but while also giving her some one on one time throughout the day.
As for electronic devices, I’d say keep them for specific things, like when you’re grocery shopping or out at a restaurant. If they’re “special”, then they’ll keep her occupied when you need her to be occupied and don’t use them too much at other times!
Hope that helps, and thanks for your comment!
Thank you for all the advice! I have 2 boys. My oldest is 32 months and my youngest is 14 months. My oldest son has some developmental delays and is going to speech and occupational therapy. Even though they’re 18 months apart, they are almost on the same level developmentally. My youngest son is great therapy for my oldest! They’re learning from each other. They definitely keep me on my toes. I’m finding that being consistent is key! I’m also trying to be careful with the words I use when I discipline them. I think the toddler years prepare parents for the teenage years! Establish and teach the house rules when they’re young and they’ll know what’s expected of them when they’re teenagers!
I totally agree that we need to remove the negative label of the two’s… Every age has is own challenges but more so its own joys! Routine anf consustency are absolutely key for a peaceful home with little ones. I wanted to add one thought about the testing. Yes two year olds test the boundaries as in rules, but they also test the boundaries of our unconditional love. It struck me day with my now three year old son, that often he would push my buttons only to check if i’d still love him. It was like he was trying to say with his acting out “will you still love me even if i do this or that?” He had a way of making us really angry, but once this new way of thinking entered the picture, i would respond differently to him (reassure the love) and the emotional outbursts on both sides stopped. Of course i’d still correct him if he broke the rules…. But the word ‘testing’ has a whole new dimension for me now.
We always would take our son back out to the car. The first few times we would leave. After this, our son would calm down after we discussed behavior, then we would head back in. It really did not have to be done much after about 4 times, all that needed to be said in the store was “do we need to leave?”.
I feel that instead of punishment you should let your kids be real with their thoughts, emotions, feelings, and tell their sincere ones to you. Don’t be stressed about what people will be thinking, feeling, talking about you.