Welcome to Wifey Wednesday, where we talk marriage here, and then you go and write on your own blog your marriage thoughts and link back here.
I had an interesting weekend last weekend speaking. I did four plenary sessions, but then a breakout workshop on “Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight“–or how to increase your libido. Before I could do the workshop, though, a number of women came up to me saying they have the opposite problem–he’s the one with the headache. What should they do?
So I tossed my notes and did a workshop that was half and half, and I think it went quite well. I recorded it, and I’ll put the recording up at my store soon.
But in that workshop, one woman asked a question which I think, if we’re honest, has occurred to many of us women. What do you do when your husband doesn’t turn your crank? What do you do when he’s gained 75 pounds? 100 pounds? When he won’t take care of himself? How do you stay attracted when he’s just not that nice to look at?
It’s a tough question, and I think a lot of women are dealing with it. After all, not to get too graphic, but there’s the simple issue of how heavy he is. You want to be able to breathe, after all! You can be more creative in terms of HOW you may make love, but it still can be worrying. So here are some broad thoughts, and I’d love for you to add your own!
1. Let’s remember that sex is more than just the physical. It’s the union between the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of our lives. Our society tends to glorify the physical over everything else, and so the intimacy that we can feel just from being close to someone we love is underrated. If the physical isn’t 100%, maybe the companionship really is. So focus on being intimate. Take walks together. Do things together. Laugh together. Play together. The more you spend time in each other’s company, cherishing each other, the more you will want to express that physically.
And then just stress the companionship during making love. Look into his eyes. Tell him you love him. Let’s stop the idea that everybody needs to have killer abs in order to be sexy. Most people, after all, don’t! So see if you can make him feel good, and then take the initiative to show him what you like. Even if he isn’t a perfect 10, he can be a good lover with your guidance!
Remember, too, what you love about him. What is sweet about him? What makes him a great husband? Repeat these things over and over to yourself, so that you’re concentrating on his assets, rather than his paunch. After all, wouldn’t you rather have him, even with the extra weight, than not have him at all?
2. Now let’s get back to the issue of what he looks like. You’re the woman. Chances are you control what food comes into the house. So start cooking well. Get rid of all high fat foods. Invest in more vegggies. Make salads for every meal. He may not like it, but if you’re going to cook, cook what is healthy. Don’t buy cookies and white bread. Steer clear of too much high fat cheese. Keep good stuff in the house, and he may start to lose weight.
3. Exercise together. Suggest that you go for a walk every evening after dinner. Get rid of the television, or move it to a place where it’s not central in the house. Take up cross country skiing, or bowling, or ballroom dancing. Do something where you can have fun together where you’re not just sitting around on a couch. It’s hard to stay active today. It means that we have to get committed to stepping outside our comfort zones. Of course it’s easier to sit on our butts, especially in the winter. But you’ve got to do it for everyone’s health. And as the woman, chances are you control the focus of the household more than he does, so use that influence to your advantage!
Men who are married live, on average, about eight years longer than men who are not because their wives take care of them. So start taking care of your husband! He may still be overweight, but you can help. And the more active he is, the better shape he will eventually be in.
Do you have any great tips for the woman who asked this question? I think she’s probably reading this blog today, since I directed her here. So what would you say? Have you had a similar problem? Or do you want to talk about something else in marriage? Feel free! Just leave your link in the box below. And don’t forget to comment!