I’ve been talking a lot lately about how we women can increase our libidos. I’ve even written a book about how to turn up the heat. (Now some of you have the opposite problem: he’s the one with the headache. Read this to help!).
And I want to talk today about a method that sounds a little edgy, and maybe even a little scary, but believe me, it can work.
One of the problems we women have is that for us, sex is in our heads. We’re not usually aroused on our own in the way men are. We have to be thinking about it, and meditating on it, and feeling close to him first. Our bodies follow our heads; for him, his head often follows his body.
What that means is that we are often plagued with indecision. We’re lying in bed, wondering if we should tonight. “Am I in the mood?”, we incessantly ask ourselves. We don’t want to start if we’re not, but on the other hand, it’s been a while since we did. I really should. But that’s not a good reason, is it? And does he expect it? I’m not sure. Can I get in the mood? How do I know? I wonder if he’s asleep yet.
Have you ever had nights like that? The funny thing is that if we just DECIDED early in the day that we were going to have fun tonight, and we started deliberately feeding those thoughts to ourselves, and then we threw ourselves into it, our bodies probably would follow. Maybe not for you if sex still hasn’t felt good (and if that’s the case for you, I recommend this post), but for many of us it’s not that sex isn’t good; it’s that sleep is better.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t help our marriage. When I was writing Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight, I talked to a woman who was in exactly this position. She realized her marriage wasn’t as strong as it could be because their sex life wasn’t great, but she didn’t know how to increase her libido. So one birthday she presented her husband with twelve sex coupons that he could use, one a month, when he was especially desperate. That way she promised that they would have a fun time, and she would throw herself into it, and he didn’t have to worry about living in a sexual black hole.
It worked like a charm. And what she found was that when the decision was taken away from her (not by force, of course, but by giving him some control), she was able to enjoy herself more because she didn’t put herself through all that rigamorale about “am I in the mood”?
I took that to heart, and I created coupons that we can use, too. They’re not X rated, but they are fun, and if you want to try it, just go here!
If that’s a little too scary, don’t worry about it. But I challenge you to think about this: are you the one who always decides when to make love? Even if he initiates, are you the one who always says “yes” or “no”? That’s not a good place to be in, because he can start to feel like he has no control in an area of his life which is really important to him. So how about this? Decide that over the next week, you will say yes, or better yet, even initiate, even if you’re not particularly in the mood. Throw yourself in it for him. I’m not talking about placating him; I’m talking about deciding to have fun. We do have control over our minds, so let’s start thinking positive thoughts about it. And if he feels more loved, then your marriage really will improve!