It’s Day 5 of the 29 Days to Great Sex here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, a series leading up to the launch of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! (now available)
So far we’ve looked at the purpose of sex and the lies we sometimes believe about sex, because we can’t have great sex if our heads aren’t in the game! If we’re feeling lousy about sex, that will overflow into how we experience sex.
Friday was an interesting day for me personally, because it was about loving the skin you’re in! And I decided that if I was going to challenge you all to name 5 things you like about your body, I should play along, too. So I sat in bed with my husband and tried to come up with 5. And it was surprisingly hard! Naming 5 things I hate is easy. But what are we actually proud of?
Many of us just don’t like our bodies, and because of that we’re often disconnected from them. And if you’re disconnected from your body, you aren’t going to feel a whole lot of pleasure! That could be due to a number of factors:
1. You’re embarrassed about your body (see day 3)
2. You’re embarrassed about sex in general (see day 2)
3. Your husband has never figured out how to make you feel good (more on this in a moment)
4. You’re really not sure what feels good yourself, and you’re doubting whether you actually can feel good. (see day 2)
In fact, some of the commenters on day 2 said exactly that:
“I was created to feel pleasure.”
I have to admit that was difficult for me to say. But I’m getting there!
That’s probably why scenes like this in movies seem so wonderful, but make us hate ourselves anyway:
For those of you who have seen The Notebook, you’ll know that Allie, who’s a virgin, immediately after this scene makes mad passionate love with Noah, and everything goes so amazingly wonderfully. She orgasms. She feels great.
And we watch that sort of thing, and we think: That’s what sex is like for everyone but me. I’m a freak. I have to work so hard to feel aroused, and I’m not even sure that I can get aroused. It will never work for me.
Hold it right there.
Remember Day 2, when we talked about some of the lies we women believe? And one of those lies often is, “I will never feel pleasure”. It’s not true.
You were made with body parts specifically designed to feel pleasure–and we’re going to talk about the clitoris more throughout the month. But here’s what happens with so many couples:
- He fumbles a bit trying to make her feel good, but he does it wrong, because men and women like to be touched differently. Men like a firm touch; women like it much more lightly. If a man touches a woman the way he wants to be touched, it’s not going to be pleasurable.
- So he does that, and she’s too embarrassed to speak up. She thinks, “I guess I just don’t like my breasts touched,” or “I guess I’m just not sensitive.”
- She gets increasingly anxious about why she’s not feeling pleasure, and so she tries to force herself.
- That makes it even worse, because when we’re anxious, we can’t relax, and when we can’t relax, we won’t feel very good.
Are you on that vicious circle? Maybe you’re not, and you’re here for tips on how to make sex even more great. It’s OKAY right now, but you’d like to ramp it up. That’s wonderful, and I think you’ll get a lot out of this month!
But some of you women I know are having some serious problems in the bedroom, and going through these 29 days is a difficult process for you. I received one email that said this:
Sex has long been a really really hard part of my marriage since we got married. No matter what we’ve tried – it’s not getting better. It’s worse. Yesterday’s blog post about lies was painful. It felt like you’d listened in on my internal monologue and aired it to everyone. I was really upset – and thankful.I might have to make cue cards to remind me of the truths you shared.I asked hubby to do this 29 days with me. He jumped at the chance – because he knows how much of a struggle this is with me. And tonight we started.Wow – we haven’t talked like that in so long. It was amazing. Although we have a long way to go, thank you for making it possible for us to open the lines of communication.Tonight, I want to cry because I feel like maybe, just maybe, there’s hope I’ll become the woman that God intends me to be, the woman that my DH prayed for, the woman I should be.BTW, I couldn’t think of 5. DH suggested some of his top parts, but I had a hard time accepting them. I really did. I could only come up with one. And that was a hard one to think of. It’s much easier to like the inside me. The outside me – I don’t know how. But thank you for making me think of it – to start looking at myself.
I’m so glad that she feels like they’re finally able to communicate, and that there may be light at the end of the tunnel. Today I want to give you a challenge that will hopefully give you even more confidence and encouragement. Here’s how:
Light some candles, get a space heater to make sure your bedroom is comfortable, and put some massage oil on the bed. Now take a timer and set it for 15 minutes. For the next 15 minutes, while you lie still, ask your husband to explore your body, without any anticipation that you will actually orgasm. And you can’t make love! This isn’t foreplay. This is just play. He can touch you where he wants. But here are the rules:
- If he’s doing it too roughly, tell him gently (or take his hand and show him how to do it better).
- If it honestly is giving you the willies (if you have anxiety from previous abuse, for instance) you can ask him to move on to a different body part–but you must let him keep touching you!
Do your utmost to concentrate on what he’s doing. Don’t worry about the timer. Don’t worry that he’s grossed out, or that he doesn’t want to do this, or that he thinks this is silly. Instead, I want you to think specifically about what he’s doing. Pay attention to your body. And start asking yourself, “what wants to be touched now?” That may sound silly, but it’s not because you’re judging him or wondering if he’s doing it right. It’s because if you ask yourself the question, “where does my body want to be touched?”, then you’re actually paying attention to what your body is feeling. And you may just realize you do want to be touched!
Warning: Don’t worry about having an orgasm! Honestly. Sometimes the reason we can’t experience pleasure is that we get too goal oriented. Just relax and treat it like a gift. And if you’re worried your husband will be bothered by this request, say something like this to him:
Honey, I want to learn how to really love sex so that we can have an amazing time together. But I’m worried that I don’t always know what my body likes. So can we take 15 minutes where you just explore my body? And I’m not supposed to tell you to stop? I don’t want to have to orgasm; I just want you to touch me and see what feels nice. Can we try?
I guarantee the vast majority of husbands will love the chance to enjoy seeing you naked and exploring your body. Really.
And then, since he’s probably going to be pretty worked up afterwards, you can always make love “for him”, if you’d like. Get on top and give him a gift where he doesn’t have to worry about you feeling good. The purpose here is to get away from anything goal oriented, and just learn that your body can, indeed, feel something. And that’s easier to do when there’s no pressure and when you’re relaxed!
Now it could be that you’re really nervous, and you have a hard time relaxing during that 15 minutes. Try it in the bathtub if that’s easier. And if this first time doesn’t go well, don’t fret. Sometimes we need to repeat this exercise a few times before we start feeling good. Use lots of massage oil and encourage your husband to concentrate on your legs and back, too, only slowly working his way to your more traditional erogenous zones, if you’re really nervous. The goal is to learn to relax and to learn to just FEEL. And if that takes a couple of sessions, that really is okay.
So to sum up, here’s your challenge:
Great Sex Challenge 5: Let your husband explore your body for 15 minutes straight, while you just savour it. Light candles, close your eyes, and just FEEL. Concentrate on his touch, without forcing your body to respond. And you just may realize that some things actually do feel good!
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: Playing with Your Hubby!
Day 9: Preparing For Sex Throughout the Day
Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Children
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness in your Sexual Life
Day 29: A Round-Up and a Party!
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Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.