Wifey Wednesday: In Need of Conversation

 


It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I don’t have time today to write a long post; I’m in the middle of sending in my final edits for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex. So instead I think I’ll post a video I saw recently that I thought was pretty clever–and kinda funny!

Do you and your husband have enough “conversation”?

What do you think?

Wifey Wednesday: Why You Should Reconsider If You’re Not in the Mood

As my frequent readers know, I write a lot about sex. It’s not because this is an easy subject for me; on the contrary, it was one of the biggest stumbling blocks in our marriage early on. Eventually I got tired of fighting about it, and decided I was going to figure out how to get in the mood more often. I even wrote a book about it (my husband likes to say that he liked the research), and it really did change my perspective.

So today, I thought I’d give you some insight into a man’s perspective on it. Perhaps you’re in a relationship where you want it more than he does; I’ll write about that again soon. But today I want to address the women who are beginning to find sex a chore. Dennis Prager, a columnist who mostly writes on political topics, last year penned a series on marriage. Here’s an excerpt from his essay, “When A Woman Isn’t In The Mood, Part I”:

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife’s refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men’s natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman’s nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

And here’s Prager’s Part II:

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons — female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested — there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

It’s harsh, I know. But we need to understand how men feel.

Part of the problem that we women have is that we have over-sexualized sex.

Let me explain what I mean. We have bought into the world’s idea that sex is all about physical pleasure. In order for it to be “pure, honest” sex, it has to be mind-blowing. It has to be stupendous. You have to want it.

If we don’t want it, and we do it anyway, we’re cheapening it. We feel like we’re being used. We’re deceiving him. So it’s better to not have sex at all until we can throw ourselves into it.

Why?

We’ve taken sex down to its lowest common denominator: physical pleasure.

Why is it purer to have sex when you both want to and you both are going to get tremendous physical release from it? Isn’t that turning sex into mainly a physical activity?

Sex is so much more than that. It’s also emotional and spiritual, and when we make love because we want to show him how much we love him–regardless of how we currently feel about the exercise–then we’re actually being more loving. It’s more sacred, almost. Can you see that? Also, sex cements you in a way that nothing else does. It is a spiritual union. To dismiss that potential because we’re not “in the mood” isn’t operating on a higher or most honest sexual plane; it’s actually being baser. We’re the ones who are making sex only about physical pleasure, not our husbands. They want to make love not just to feel great, but also to feel loved. We, on the other hand, don’t want to make love unless we can feel great. We’re the ones who have debased it, not them.

When we turn around and make love for them, we imbue it with a bit more of the sacredness that I think God intended. But much of that depends upon how we define “giving our bodies to him”. If we just lie there, counting the minutes until he’s done (sorry to be so graphic, but you’ve all been there), we’re not really giving ourselves. We need to throw ourselves into it, and see if we can give him (and ourselves) pleasure. And often when we do commit our minds and bodies to the exercise, our own pleasure does follow.

It’s not wrong to simply give your body as a gift to him.

We interpret it as wrong because we think of ourselves on a higher plane in relationships–we value the relationship, he values the sex, so he’s the one who’s debased and needs to learn to become better, like us. But he isn’t worse, and we aren’t better, we’re just different. And God made us different to encourage both of us to step out of our comfort zones and give to one another.

I’m not suggesting that if he’s asking you to act out pornography that you should do it, or that you should make love if you have physical issues, or that you should do so if you’re having flashbacks of childhood trauma. If you need counselling, get it. If you’re having relationship problems, tackle those. Sex shouldn’t be something that hurts you.

But normally, the problem is not something huge; it’s just that we can’t be bothered, and we think there’s something a little bit pathetic about men that they want it so much. And why should we have to use our bodies to give him that?

We do lots of things with our bodies that aren’t always pleasant, though. I remember breastfeeding through blocked milk ducts and infections. I drag myself out of bed to tend to sick children. I get less sleep than I need because my kids need me. I don’t mind using my body to love my kids; the problem seems to come when we need to use it to love our husbands. They should be able to cope!

Nope.

God didn’t put you in a marriage so that you could both cope.

He put you in a marriage so that you could both lean on each other, give to each other, and love to each other. You may think it’s pathetic that he needs love to be expressed in this way when you’re tired, and cranky, and bloated. But he does, and he’s not wrong. So challenge yourself this week to see sex as something less base than something purely physical. See it as the emotional and spiritual building bond that it can be. Love your husband in the way that he needs it, and you just may find that your marriage gets ever so much better!

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

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Wifey Wednesday: Whetting One's Appetite

Welcome to Wifey Wednesday, where we talk marriage and share our advice and questions!

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, last month my husband and I took a hiatus and went on our second honeymoon. We spent four days at a really posh resort, and one thing that interested me was the food.

This was probably the poshest place I’ve ever been, and every mealtime they brought out this tiniest upon tiniest little nibbles to “whet your appetite”. It was always something very tasty and very interesting, but it was only about a bite big.

The appetizers weren’t big, either. You definitely could not get full on the appetizers. They really just were to whet your appetite as well by giving you different tastes. And everything was very artistically presented.

I could see how people could get a little bit teed off at this, though. Sure, it’s good food, but it’s hardly anything! And I’m hungry! So I’m getting ripped off.

But it occurred to me that this resort was trying to make an experience out of eating. They weren’t just trying to fill you up; they were trying to tease you for what was coming next. And because there was a lag of about twenty minutes between courses, by the time the next course came, you were ready for it!

I think we should treat sex the same way. The problem is that we see it too much like food, especially from the male perspective. They’re “hungry” so they need to “eat”, and the best thing to do is to jump in, satisfy that craving, and then you’re done.

If that’s our attitude, though, we’re diminishing the possibilities that sex brings, but we’re also preventing many women from feeling sexy. The truth is that women, on the whole, just don’t get “hungry” for sex the way men do. Our bodies aren’t going to yearn for it. We’re not necessarily going to feel uncomfortable if we haven’t had sex for a week, or a month, or longer. We may be a bit moody, but our bodies on the whole aren’t going to send us “hunger” signs. So if we think of the act of sex as just necessary to staunch hunger pains, then we start to believe it’s not for us.

We’re not the only ones losing out, either. According to the latest research, men’s sex drives are starting to go down, too. I think a lot of that is due to pornography and relationship issues, but regardless of the cause, it is true that for many men, they don’t always feel that hunger, either. (If your husband is using pornography, though, you really should read this.)

So then why have sex? If no one has a hunger that needs to be satisfied, what’s the big deal? Or what if only one person has that hunger? What if he’s hungry but you’re not? Then sex becomes “just for him”, and you feel a little bit used, or a little bit put out.

Maybe we need to stop thinking of sex as a hunger and think of it as an experience, like that posh resort. We need to whet our appetites. A recent Psychology Today study found that the majority of women don’t actually feel “in the mood” before they make love. It only comes once they start. So if we’re waiting to feel hungry, we may not make love very often. But if we jump in, we’ll start to feel like it.

So how do we whet our appetites? Let’s let ourselves think about it during the day. Call your husband and tell him you’re thinking about it! Leave notes for each other. Touch each other. Kiss each other, even if the kids are in the room and that’s all you can do. Hold hands. Whisper to each other. Have code words you can use when other people are around to tell him what you’re thinking about.

And here’s something else to consider: when we think of sex as an appetite, then we’re not satisfied until we’re filled. We’re not satisfied until the appetite is then gone. But what if that’s not really the point? Maybe sometimes we should spend a day or two arousing the appetite without satisfying it. Draw out the experience, in other words. Make it fun. Make it memorable. Learn to tease him a little bit (and perhaps more importantly, teach him how to tease you).

I’m not talking about anything kinky. I just mean that we need a different attitude. Sex is so amazing for drawing us together spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We concentrate too much on the physical and we miss the fun that it can be when it becomes an experience.

So here’s my challenge for you. Today, concentrate not on having sex, but on whetting the appetite. And that includes his appetite! If he’s already “always in the mood”, that’s okay. Playfully show him how to draw it out by having those really tiny appetizers that don’t satisfy any hunger, but do make you ready for more. And then see what happens!

Let’s bring more play into the bedroom, and less goal-oriented “let’s just get it on”, if you know what I mean. I think that would make it more fun for all of us, and especially us women who aren’t perpetually “in the mood”!

Now, what do you have to share with us? Copy the picture at the top of this post and then go and write your own Wifey Wednesday post. Come back here and enter the URL in the Mr. Linky! Or just leave a comment and tell me how you would “whet your appetite”. Or anything else about marriage you want to talk about! Let’s get the conversation going.

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Increasing My Libido!

Okay, ladies. I want to talk about s-e-x today.

I’m going to start with something really basic. Men want to be wanted. They don’t want to be placated.

So when it comes to intimacy, I think we women need to step up to the plate a little bit more. You may think you’re meeting his needs because you’re making love a few times a week, but he won’t feel it as love unless you put some energy and enthusiasm into it! And that can be hard for us women.

I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this, but in a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. We don’t need it physically the way men do. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time! But, because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!

But so often we lie there in bed, with this running conversation through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.

If we put a stop to that conversation and decided to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow, as would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough that you both feel connected and close.

So rest up, get the chores done, and destress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much nicer your marriage will feel!

I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography and it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. And if your problems are more healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too. Just commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.

Now, if it seems pretty impossible to boost your libido, because your kids demand too much attention, and your husband doesn’t show you any love, I understand. Believe me, I do. But there is a way out. Throughout the day today I’m going to be posting some of my ideas on how to restore our sex drives.

In fact, right now you can go to some of my recent Wifey Wednesday posts and see what I have to say:
Wifey Wednesday: How to Awaken Love
Wifey Wednesday: Do I Have to Wait to be in the Mood

Wifey Wednesday: Why Is That All He Ever Thinks About?

 

Last week I wrote about how to get in the mood if you’re not–and how it’s important to remember how much our husbands actually need sex.

In the comments, someone wrote this in reply:

I don’t seem to fit into either of the two categories you describe. After several years of marriage, it just occured to me that I wasn’t interested in sex anymore because it never seemed to be about love, but only him having an orgasm. If there is no sex, there is no marriage. It is very sad that the only thing that matters about me is him being able to have sex with me. If I don’t have sex, then he doesn’t love me. I am convinced that sex is the only thing that matters to a man. Therefore, I am worth nothing more than my ability to sexually satisfy a man. That’s a horrible truth that has been too hard for me to bear and I decided to just stop being intimate. Being a woman is like winning some kind of anti-lottery. You’re worth absolutely nothing.

Can you feel how much pain she’s in? I sure can. And I totally feel for her, so today I really want to talk to women like her.

First, let me say that sixteen years ago I could have written that paragraph myself. I was so disenchanted with sex, and it seemed like it was wrecking my marriage because Keith wanted it and I didn’t, and all we seemed to do was fight over it. It was terrible. And I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. It really seemed like God made sex just for men, and then He told us women that we had to do it if we’re married, almost like it’s legal prostitution.

I know that sounds harsh, but I’m saying it just to give any women out there in a similar boat encouragement. I truly do understand.

When I was going through this I read a few Christian books about sex that told me how I had to for my husband, and how it was this beautiful thing, and I thought the authors were off their rockers. I was so angry when I read them, and since I happened to be in the bath at the time (that’s where I read most of my books), I ended up drowning them, good and dead.

But I don’t feel like that now, and so I want to focus this post on how I overcame that.

First, I do think the advice in my last Wifey Wednesday post is still right, even for this woman who is just not interested. Go back and read that now, if you haven’t already, and then come back here!

She says that the advice is useless (I’m paraphrasing), because she’s just not interested in sex anymore, so why should she care?

Let’s take a step back. Let’s say you’ve been told your whole life that something is good. That something is amazing. That something is earth shattering. And then you experience it, and it seems not that good. It’s boring, it’s a lot of work, and it’s a little degrading. What do you do? At this point you have two choices. You can decide to forget about it, and just believe the rest of the world is totally deluded, or you can take a deep breath and say, “I must be missing something. Why don’t I put some effort into this so I can figure out what it is I’m missing, because I’d really like to be deliriously happy like everyone else seems to be, too.”

The second approach is better, but it’s hard to get to because it requires seeing past your own feelings. But when you’re in a car accident, you have to go through physical therapy to learn to walk again. It seems hopeless. It seems like you may never make progress. But you do it because you know it’s worth it.

In this case, you may not know it’s worth it because you’ve never experienced how great sex can be. Instead it seems to come between you and your husband. But trust me, if you put the work in, you can come out on the other side. Don’t settle for a lousy sex life, or no sex life at all. It can be better. It really can. So do something about it!

Here’s the second point. This woman seems very angry at her husband because he wants it so much. He basically seems like a beast in her eyes, because all he wants is physical release. And if that’s how he actually experiences love, then that’s pathetic.

Again, extremely common feelings for women. When sex isn’t that great for you, and he’s so focused on it, then there does seem something rather infantile about our him. Our husbands have no self-control. They’re so immature. They haven’t risen above it the way we have.

But here’s where you really have to step outside of yourself for a minute. Your husband honestly does need sex in a way that you don’t, and THIS ISN’T WRONG. I know it feels wrong to you, but it truly isn’t. I think we women need to let go a little bit. We like being in control and sex, when it’s good, makes us very vulnerable and very open. I think that’s part of what can repel some women, because it doesn’t seem quite proper. But we’re not supposed to be proper all the time. And God created sex as a passionate expression of how He feels about us. If you’re never experienced that when you’re making love, you need to.

So here’s what I would say: with women, our feelings usually follow our minds. If you’re telling yourself that sex is silly at best and degrading at worst, that it is all for him, and that he is an animal for wanting it that much, you will never be in the mood. If, on the other hand, you tell yourself, sex is great, and one day I will experience it the way it’s supposed to, then you may start to get in the mood.

Start believing that it can be wonderful. Start believing that one day you will get there. Start believing that God actually made it for you, too.

And then talk to your husband about it. Tell him that you do want it to be good, you just can’t see how right now. But that’s where you’re aiming for. And ask him to help take you there. Buy some books on how to make sex good! Read them together. Take my advice from last week! Pray about it.

If you want to hear more about the difference between men’s and women’s sex drives, my audio download “Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight” is a hilarious 45 minute walk through the problems that can occur in the bedroom–and how we as women can overcome them!

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Wifey Wednesday: Do I Have to Wait To Be in the Mood?

 

Dennis Prager has been talking about sex in his recent Townhall columns. He says this in his essay, “When A Woman Isn’t In The Mood, Part I”:

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife’s refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny).

This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men’s natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman’s nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it. This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

We’re going to deal with the second part to his essay series next week, but let’s deal with the first part.

Men and women think differently about sex. To women, if we’re not in the mood, we don’t really want to. And we rarely start out in the mood because sex, to us, is primarily relational. We have to feel loved to make love. It’s not a physical urge to the same extent.

For a man, on the other hand, it is a physical urge. And it’s also related to how he sees himself. He has to make love in order to feel loved.

So when your husband is interested in sex all the time, it’s natural for a woman to think there’s something wrong with him, because on the whole this isn’t how we work. Some men, of course, aren’t like this, and in about 30% of marriages she has the higher sex drive. But this tends to happen later in marriages. For those of us who are in our twenties and thirties, chances are he wants it, and you can’t figure out what all the fuss is about.

But the other issue is that we come into marriage with expectations of what sex will be like: it will be a glorious, riproaring fun, awesome experience. And if we know that we’re not going to be up for a glorious, riproaring fun, awesome experience, then we women tend to feel like we’re cheating if we make love now. We should wait until we’re really “in the mood”.

In a way, we feel like that’s the proper thing to do. To make love when you don’t actually feel like it seems somehow dishonest. But it’s not. I’m not talking about faking here, please understand me. What I am saying is that he needs it in a way that you do not. And if you can give yourself to him, even if you don’t particularly feel like it, you build incredible closeness in your marriage.

We still need those riproaring good times. But that doesn’t have to happen everytime. Occasionally a quickie really is okay. And if you have too much on your mind and you just don’t think you can relax tonight to enjoy it, then you can still make love for him. Challenge yourself to make it fun for your husband!

Now, I’m not saying that you should make love no matter what: even if he’s having an affair, or he’s into pornography, or he makes you feel dirty. Absolutely not. But in a regular marriage there needs to be give and take. And sex is vitally important to men. It’s horrible for them that we hold all the cards, because basically in most marriages we determine whether or not we’re going to make love. If we say yes, we do. If we say no, we don’t.

So they have no control over something that is the key to their hearts.

We women need to give up some control. We need to say occasionally–not every night, but at least sometimes–if you want it, I’m there. That’s part of marriage, is giving to our husbands.

And if we also get our minds in gear, then our bodies will likely follow, too. We may not feel in the mood beforehand, but we can get in the mood if we decide to, because sex, for women, is all in her head.

I know this is hard for some women. Believe me, I do. I had a really hard time with sex early in our marriage. But what I am saying is absolutely true. If you want a great marriage, you need to learn to give to him in this way. And if you have hangups because of past abuse, or flashbacks, that’s okay. You may not be able to yet. But please get help so that you can eventually get there, and believe that God does want healing in this part of your life!

Watch this GodTube video for more:


Wifey Wednesday: Getting into a Frisky Frame of Mind

 

I’m going to be brutally honest today. Some weeks I’m just not in the mood.

Really.

I’m sure you don’t know what that’s like, right? :)

But here’s what happens. My mind gets whirring at a hundred miles an hour because I’m planning things. Especially when I go on speaking tours, as I did last weekend, I have a lot that I have to think about: what I’m going to pack; what I’m going to leave for the family to eat; what time I should leave. And when I’m back my mind is still churning: what I sold; what I need to order more of; how God worked; how I should change my talk.

Plus there’s all the regular stuff I’m thinking about.

And for women, sex is all in the brain. It’s the first chapter of Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood. We’re hard wired to make love only if our brains are engaged. If our minds are otherwise occupied, our bodies aren’t going to follow his to ecstasy. He can do the exact the same thing to you that had you absolutely melting one night and tonight, if you’re preoccupied, the only thing going through your head will be: “when is he going to get it over with?”

 

Am I right?

So yesterday I realized that I had been being rather selfish with my husband for the last few days. I was away, and then when I came back I’ve just had so much on my mind.

He was called in to the hospital early last night, and I decided I was going to get rid of all the stuff I was thinking about. So I finished up at the computer and got in the bath and just relaxed. And I concentrated on my husband, and what I loved about him. And I refused to let myself think about all the stuff that I was trying to plan.

And by the time he came home, I was fine!

Many nights I don’t need to make love. Sure, I’d love to cuddle, but I don’t need it. Men do in a totally different way. And they need us to be engaged. So lying there while you’re thinking about what colour you should paint your bedroom ain’t going to cut it.

If you’ve been distracted lately, that’s okay. It happens to all of us. But you need a decompression chamber so that at night, you can let it all go. If we go through our day with that attitude–that at night, I’m going to put all this behind me, so I can be there for my husband–our marriages will totally change.

Instead, what often happens is the evening approaches and he wants to get romantic. And we become resentful because he doesn’t understand all that we’re concerned about. He doesn’t realize all that is going through our heads. But you see, if it were him, sex would be a great way to deal with all those worries! They don’t understand how we work. But not only that, he doesn’t understand why we don’t get him. We’re mad because he’s not thinking of us, but we don’t realize that we’re doing the exact same thing. We’re focusing on ourselves rather than our husbands.

So where is your decompression chamber going to be? The bathtub? The scrapbooking table? A pair of knitting needles? A cup of tea? A Bible? How are you going to put your cares behind you? Find a way, make it purposeful, and watch what happens!

Wifey Wednesdays: He's Not an Alien!

What is the matter with him anyway? Why is that all he ever thinks about?

If that thought has gone through your head, then you are not alone. That’s what many of us think when it comes to sex. And the reason is that for women, sex is a choice. Affection is the need. For men sex honestly is a need. They could take or leave affection.

So we don’t speak each other’s language at all about intimacy.

The title of one of the chapters in Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight is “He’s not an Alien”. Here’s an excerpt from that chapter:

We women may have difficulty understanding the sexual temptation men feel because we’re not as prone to it. And when our husbands try to explain their struggles, we may ourselves feel temptation: the temptation to hit them over the head with something hard. But we shouldn’t react in anger, because that’s simply a man’s nature. When men are exposed to sexual stimuli day in and day out, sexual tension can build up that is very difficult to deal with. It’s similar to how you may feel when you skip a meal: you get really hungry for the next one. When men keep “skipping meals”–building up sexual energy without getting release–they can become almost desperate. They may, to us, appear so pathetic that we wonder, Who is this sex maniac I married? But more likely, you husband is not sex crazy. He’s just…a man.

So here’s your first lesson: Repeat this to yourself over and over: “My husband is an alien”. He is not made like you. If he desires you frequently, there is nothing wrong with him. Judging him according to your framework isn’t fair. He doesn’t share it. His desires are not wrong any more than your need for affection is. It’s just different. But it’s also the way God made him. Obviously he needs to exercise self-control–we all do–but he is not a freak. He is simply a man.

And here’s the neat thing about men: if we want to really keep them feeling loved and happy, it’s not that difficult. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist. You just have to initiate intimacy a few times a week. (When you initiate, and show enthusiasm, it means so much more than if you just “put up with it”. Men need to feel wanted, not placated).

But we may think this isn’t fair to demand of us, because we’re tired, and we have babies, and he never does anything for us. But if you wait for him to meet your needs, you could be waiting forever. If, on the other hand, you decide to stretch yourself and give yourself to your husband, it’s amazing how the dynamic of your relationship may change.

I always find that when my husband and I are going through an especially good period sexually a lot of the ongoing disagreements we’ve been having melt away. He’s much more affectionate. He’s more fun to be with. And he’s better around the house!

I’m not saying you should do it just for that reason; men will resent that. But when you become selfless, chances are he will react in a similar way. When he feels loved, he stops withdrawing.

I know this is hard, because there are a ton of things that can interfere with our own sex drives: our body image, past abuse, pornography, stress, medical conditions, pregnancy, menopause, kids, etc. A lot of these I deal with in my book, and I’ll probably have a Wifey Wednesday just on pornography soon. I had to overcome a lot of things in my own marriage, and I’m still working on some issues from my past. But we can do it.

The problem is, I think, that many of us women don’t feel like we should have to. It just seems like too much to ask of us. But if an angel from heaven were to come down and tell you that there was something you could do to help your son or daughter feel loved, wouldn’t you do it in an instant? We all want to be giving when it comes to our children. But the thought that our husbands might need something from us is just wrong.

We need to get over that. Our husbands do need us. And that’s the way God made it. When we learn to give to our husbands, we become more selfless people. And that’s what marriage is for.

Here’s a video clip of me talking about this same thing at a conference. Hope you like it!

To find out more about Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight, click here! (or here for Amazon)!

What do you struggle with when it comes to intimacy? Do you have questions? Advice? Why not participate in Wifey Wednesday! Just create your own post, use the picture at the top of this post, and then enter your post’s URL in the Mr. Linky below!