To Love, Honor and Vacuum

29 Days to Great Sex Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Sheila — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:40:11 +0000

Note: Usually on Wednesdays I host Wifey Wednesday. It’s a little different around here this month, but I’ll still put a linky in the bottom of the post where you can link up marriage posts, if you’d like!

We’re in the home stretch of our 29 Days to Great Sex, and over the last few days I’ve been looking at some of the more contentious issues: how do you decide what’s okay to do in bed? And what do you do if one of you is more adventurous than the other?

Today I want to turn to another issue of contention: How often should we make love?

Let me tell you about my journey when I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I conducted two surveys of over 1000 women each, looking into all kinds of questions, including how much they enjoyed sex, how often they had sex, and how sex had improved since they got married. I was only planning on interviewing women.

But then I started to analyze the results, and they really worried me. Most of it was stuff that I had expected. What floored me was that 40% of women reported making love less than once a week.

So I decided that I had better survey some guys, too, to find out how they felt about this. And the results weren’t pretty.

You’re going to have to buy the book to learn what they were–I’ve got it divided into age group, and religion, and years married, and everything–but suffice it to say that there are a lot of rather miserable men. Many women are quite miserable, too, since about 25% of women reported that their husbands rarely wanted to make love, which made them feel very undesirable. After this series is over, I’m going to talk more to those women about what they can do.

For today I want to talk to you women who just find sex a chore. And so here’s a video I prepared just for you. It’s not that long, and it’s pretty funny (and helpful):

Sex connects us on three levels: physical, spiritual, and emotional. We’ve dealt with the physical. We’ll talk more about the spiritual in a few days. But it’s the emotional that I’m concerned with today, because making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don’t make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite. That may not seem fair, because you may think: why does everything have to do with sex? Why can’t he just love me for who I am? But men were created to feel affirmation through sex. When we don’t want them, they feel as if they aren’t loved, either, even if that’s not what we intend.

I truly do not believe that we women understand how devastating it is to men to be constantly turned down by their wives. Over and over again, I heard men say, “I get rejected so often that I’ve just stopped asking. It’s humiliating.” (and if you’re the one who’s feeling that way because your husband isn’t interested, stay tuned, because I’ll have a series for you in March! Though reading these posts together with him would likely be helpful even now).

If you feel like he demands sex too much, you can get mad at him and say that he should just grow up and not need it so much, but then you’re imposing your views on him. You’re asking him to change, but you’re not willing to change. And you know something, girls? Like I said in the video, it really doesn’t take much. Just decide to jump in! It doesn’t have to take two hours. It likely will only take 15 or 20 minutes. And if you put your mind to it, your body will likely follow.

So how often is enough? I would say at least twice a week, if I were forced to pick a number. But for some couples, especially when they’re younger, more would probably be good. And the happiest couples I found were those who were making love 3-4 times a week. When you connect like that, it has repercussions on how you feel about each other.

Maybe we should stop asking “what’s the minimum I can get away with?”, and start asking, “how can I get in the right frame of mind so I can show my husband how much I love him?“. Make the second into a habit, and I guarantee your marriage will get better!

If you’re still struggling with this, then The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was written just for you! There’s a whole chapter on the benefits of increasing the frequency of sex, without laying guilt on you. And it’s pretty funny, too! It’s got stories of chocolate truffles, weight loss dares, sex flowers, and more!

Great Sex Challenge 22: Don’t think about it. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t wonder if you’re going to enjoy it tonight, or going to orgasm tonight, or going to get enough sleep tonight. Just do it! Ready? 1-2-3 Go!

: Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

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Have a marriage post you’d like to share? Just link up below!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Sheila — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 07:39:22 +0000

We’re 3/4 done the 29 Days to Great Sex! Are you all hanging in there?

In just over a week I’ll be announcing an awesome contest leading up to the launch of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (do you have your copy yet? If not, order it now to get it on sale–and to help me boost my Amazon rankings ). Stay tuned, because you could win a first–or second–honeymoon!

This month we’ve worked on how to change your attitude towards sex, how to boost your friendship, how to laugh together more, how to get in the mood, and how to make it feel great.

Now we’ve moved on to an area of contention: what do you do when one spouse is more adventurous in bed than the other? What do you do if one person wants to do things that the other isn’t so sure of? Yesterday we looked at how to negotiate things. Today I want to turn this into a more practical, smorgasbord-style post and look at different ways that you can become more adventurous in your marriage while still remaining comfortable.

WARNING: This post is a little spicy. I’m intending this to help married couples create greater intimacy and greater fun, which is what I believe God intended. So this information is for married couples only!

Remember the guidelines we wrote out yesterday, though: no one should ever be pressured to do something they’re uncomfortable with or feel is sinful. It is never worth jeopardizing the safety of the marriage bed by pushing something on your spouse!

That being said, sometimes it’s not a matter of feeling that it’s wrong. More often, we hesitate because:

1. We’re a little scared of something new
2. We think we may not be able to do it right
3. We’re embarrassed
4. We’re afraid that if we try something new, our spouse will want it all the time!
5. We don’t think it’s sinful, and we don’t think it’s wrong, it’s just not our cup of tea

Today I am ONLY speaking to people in one of those categories. I am not speaking to anyone who is saying “no” based on moral reservations or being completely and utterly grossed out. If that describes you, then it is perfectly fine to say no. But again, reread my post from yesterday to make sure that you’re not saying something is morally wrong just because it isn’t “the missionary position”. Sometimes we’re too quick to label things as morally sinful (though, of course, some things definitely are).

All right, with that out of the way, here are some ideas to help you play games to become more adventurous, without violating your sense of decorum:

1. Give him “love coupons”

(Or give her love coupons, but I just feel more natural talking to women. If it’s the other way around in your marriage, just switch the pronouns). Sometimes the idea of having to be at someone’s mercy is actually rather enticing. If we have to do what they say, then it takes the hesitancy out of things. Sometimes we hesitate because we ask ourselves, “do I really want to do this? Is this too wild for me? Is this too weird?” And we get so caught up analyzing it we’re not able to make a decision.

Emailing your husband a coupon saying, “tonight you own me for an hour”, or “anything you want is yours tonight” can get around that hesitancy.

You can download some coupons here.

And if you’re going to do this, set up a safe word, like “uncle”, that you can say when you just feel like it’s too much. Yes, even if you give coupons, you still have a will and you still have autonomy and can say no. But you’re less likely to, and if you give him permission to do what he wants, it can actually be quite freeing for you.

2. Create “his” and “hers” nights

One woman who answered one of my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex explained how she and her husband handled this. Her husband tends to be more adventurous than she is. So one evening a week is for him, where they do things that he wants. One evening a week is for her, where they do things the way she wants–like starting with a long back massage and then being very gentle. And then the other evenings are just “normal”. This way each of them feels as if their needs are met, and they both go out of their way to make things fun for the other person on that person’s night, because they know it will be reciprocated!

3. Write Down Fantasies

At the beginning of the year, both of you write down 12 things that you would like to do that are special. Maybe you’ve already done them before, or maybe you haven’t. Don’t show your spouse what’s on your sheet of paper. Fold up the papers and put them in a jar, and once a month, on different nights, you each draw a piece of paper and do what’s on the paper. Again, the rules about saying “uncle” still apply. You never HAVE to do anything. But if you each have things written down, and you know it’s a give and take, then your spouse can feel like you’re going out of your way to meet his needs without feeling like you have to do it every night. This saves the special things for special nights!

4. Play the Match-the-Dice Game

Get two dice of different colours, and write on a sheet of paper what each dice means.

Red Dice – Actions
Choose six actions, like kiss, stroke, etc., and assign them to 1-6.

Blue Dice – Parts of the Body
Choose six body parts and assign them to 1-6.

Then you each take turns throwing the dice, and doing whatever combination comes up! You can make the game as adventurous or as tame as you want by varying the actions or body parts. Make sure you give enough time–like let’s say at least a minute–to each task, or else it’s kind of a cop out!

5. Create a Multi-Sensory Experience

We have five senses: sight, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling. Write down each of the senses on a piece of paper and put them in a jar. Alternate nights, so that you’re each responsible for a different night. On your night, pick out three pieces of paper, and create a sexual experience that uses all three senses.

Often we really only use one–touch. We make love with the lights off, we don’t say much, and we don’t really even taste. So figure out way to engage the different senses! For sight, you can wear something pretty to bed. For taste, you can put on flavoured lip balm, or get some chocolate to feed to him, or whatever you’d like! For hearing, you can tell him a story. For smelling, you can put perfume somewhere and ask him to find it. Be creative!

Challenge yourself, though, to come up with different things for each sense when it’s your night, so that you’re always changing things up a little bit.

There you have it! Five ways to try new things and spice things up that are perhaps less intimidating than feeling like you have to always do one particular thing. Sometimes a man (or even a woman) will get fixated on one particular sexual thing they want to try. Like I said, it is okay to say no. But if you are regularly doing at least one of these ideas, and making love with relative frequency, you’ll likely find that this request becomes less and less important. Do things slightly differently, and your spouse will feel as if your sex life is really exciting! And that’s what you want–for both of you.

If you want some more ideas, never fear! After this series is over I’ll be publishing it in expanded form, with more information for both sexes (and not just primarily women), as the 31 Days to Great Sex! It’ll be available as a download quite inexpensively, so that you’ll have it all in one place. If you want to be informed when it’s ready, just sign up here!

Great Sex Challenge Day 21: Pick at least one idea and do it! If you’re going through this series as a couple, read them all and figure out which one you’d most like to try first, and go for it! If you’re uncomfortable by all of them, see if you can start with the dice game, and take away the options that you’re uncomfortable with and replace them with slightly tamer things. Sometimes just challenging ourselves to try something–anything–will help us see that sex can be fun, that it can be creative, that it can be a celebration we can share with each other.

Coming tomorrow: How to decide on frequency (another hugely contentious issue!)

: Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

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29 Days to Great Sex Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries

Sheila — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:16:30 +0000

In any marriage, one spouse is going to feel more adventurous in the bedroom than the other.

We’ve been working through the 29 Days to Great Sex, and last week we were concentrating primarily on how to create those fireworks–how to make it feel as wonderful as it was meant to (and one commenter actually reported that she and her husband broke the bedframe ).

Yesterday, I encouraged you all to go to God and ask for Him to restore passion and life and vibrance to your sex life, because God is the author of passion and life. If you feel dead, or bored, that’s not from God.

It’s good to have both of those things as the context for what I’m going to talk about today:

How do you decide what’s okay to do and what’s not?

Over the last few years, the vast majority of anonymous questions I’ve received have been about that sort of thing: my husband (or my wife) wants to try something in bed, and I’m not comfortable with it. What do I do?

In many marriages, one spouse is more adventurous than the other. That’s only natural. How you negotiate, though, can be tricky. So let’s look at some basic ground rules that can help us:

1. Our Whole Body is for Sex

Sex is supposed to be fun. God made our bodies to feel great during sex–and he didn’t create it so that only certain body parts feel good. As we looked this week on the pieces about foreplay, the more you involve other body parts, the better! When you read Song of Solomon, you’ll find tributes to just about everything. Sometimes, however, we get hung up and think that only certain positions are holy, and everything else is somehow wrong.

I don’t buy that. We’re supposed to get lost in each other, and to enjoy all of each other. That’s part of the celebration of being intimate and naked together.

2. Sex is More than Physical

At the same time, sex is more than just a physical connection. It’s also a spiritual and emotional connection (I deal with this at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and indeed it’s divided into those three sections: how to make sex great physically, emotionally, and spiritually). One of the reasons, I believe, that married Christians tend to enjoy sex more than those who aren’t married is that we know that it isn’t just about the physical. When we make love, we’re also expressing our commitment for one another, and our hunger for true intimacy.

The world doesn’t understand that because our culture has divorced sex from relationship and commitment, and so all they have is the physical. And that’s why our culture has become increasingly pornographic. When the physical is all you have, eventually the physical feels empty. To get the same high, you have to do more and more extreme things physically (in the same way that an alcoholic needs to take more drinks to get the same buzz). So why are things that are once taboo now talked about openly on sitcoms? Because our culture is getting more pornographic.

And that is going to impact our own idea of sexuality. If what is portrayed as sexy are these extreme things–threesomes, sex toys, etc. etc.–then some of us will get very enticed by that.

My caution is this:

While there is freedom in the marriage bed, and while the whole body is good, if you start seeing sex in terms of riskier and more perverse things, you may lessen its ability to truly bring you and your spouse together intimately. You’ve lost the spiritual connection. So be careful that you always experience sex, first and foremost, as a way to say “I love you”, and not just as a way to get selfish fantasies met.

3. There is Great Freedom

Nevertheless, there is great freedom in the marriage bed, and I’d be hesitant to pronounce anything that does not involve a third party–or fantasizing specifically about a third party–as sinful. That being said, just because something isn’t sinful doesn’t mean it’s good to do. Like 1 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial.”

4. While Acts May Not Be Sinful, Selfishness Is

One more caveat, and I’m going to use oral sex as an example (I hope I haven’t lost any readers by actually typing that, but honestly, I need you to know what I’m talking about). I don’t believe this is sinful, and I do believe that it can be argued that Song of Solomon alludes to it. Kissing is fine, and the mouth has more germs than most other parts of the body, so if you’ll kiss a mouth, I don’t think there’s a big problem–if you’re comfortable with that.

However, I received an email from a woman recently who said that her husband demands that they start every encounter this way. There were other issues as well, but the simple fact was that he preferred this to kissing her mouth or even to any shared physical pleasure. That’s just pure and simple selfishness.

There is nothing wrong with being “giving” during a particular sexual encounter and concentrating on one of you for a time. But if that becomes the majority of your sex life together, there is a huge problem. That’s not real intimacy; that’s just being selfish. And it needs to stop.

And let me say something specifically to those of you who are the more adventurous spouse: It’s also being selfish to demand something that your spouse is truly not comfortable giving. While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with oral sex, for instance, if a spouse really doesn’t want to do it, then you should never, ever push them. Why would you break trust with someone you love over this? Is it worth wrecking the ability that sex has to bring you together? The marriage bed is meant to be an extremely safe place. If you turn it into something that isn’t safe because you’re insisting on something that your spouse doesn’t want to do, then you’re wrecking something precious.

Besides, if it is something that isn’t really sinful–or even that extreme–you’ll likely find that if you spend a few years being really giving and helping your spouse to relax and feel wonderful in bed, then he or she will be far more willing, and even eager, to try other things later on.

5. Dare Yourself

Now a word to the spouse who isn’t as adventurous. I do think it’s okay to say no to some things that you really find distasteful. However, if they are not sinful, I’d encourage you to ask yourself why you think they’re distasteful. There may be some ways that you can incorporate some of these things into your love life in a non-threatening way, and I’ll look at some of them tomorrow.

But some spouses–and let’s be honest, it’s usually men–do enjoy trying different positions and different things more often than women do. This is logical. Women are far more physically vulnerable in sex. Changing positions can be difficult to get used to. Some can make us feel even more vulnerable. And once we find a position that does work for us with an angle that makes us feel great, we’re often less willing to try other things.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about ways to have fun without feeling threatened, but let me just say this: it’s okay to say no to some things. But then dare yourself to make what you do enjoy absolutely amazing for your spouse! And dare yourself to make sure that you really connect on an emotional & spiritual level, too. Because if you’re doing that, and you’re making love with regular frequency, you’ll likely find that trying some of these other things becomes less of an issue in your marriage, for both of you.

If you want to know what I think about specific acts (and I’m unwilling to put some of them here for fear of what search engines would think of me!) there’s a whole chapter on that in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, as well as an expanded philosophy of how to decide what’s okay to do, looking at God’s view of sex. I wrestled with that chapter a lot, and if you want somewhere to go with some real questions, you’ll really appreciate the book!

Great Sex Challenge 20: Today’s Challenge actually has three parts! Part 1: Feel each others’ whole bodies. Start at one foot, and go up the one side of your spouse’s body, touching and licking or squeezing or whatever you want, all the way to the top of the head, and then all the way down the other side. Really see how amazing each others’ bodies are. Part 2: Once you’ve done that, have an honest discussion about some of the things you’d like to try, you’re scared of trying, or that you have already done but you really didn’t like. Some couples find it easier to talk about this with the lights off so they can’t see each others’ faces, or while spooning so you’re not facing each other. I know it’s an awkward discussion. But try to have it. And here’s part 3: At the end, both of you affirm to each other how much you love and cherish each other–whatever you do in the bedroom. It’s that spiritual connection that is always most important!

: Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next: Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage

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29 Days to Great Sex Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Sheila — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 08:36:55 +0000

Today I’m feeling angry. Not at you, dear readers, but at the mess that our culture has made of sex.

I’ve been receiving a lot of comments and emails about this 29 Days to Great Sex series, and most of them are wonderful. But some of them are very discouraging, because sex has become such a difficult part of so many couple’s lives. It’s become twisted, or dirty, or shameful, or simply non-existent. And I read these emails, and I think: why are we letting something that God made to be beautiful become a negative thing in our lives? Why are we settling for that?

Last Sunday I did a wrap-up of where we were so far for those who were discouraged. Today I want to turn this week’s wrap-up into more of a rah-rah, like I’m shouting from the sidelines as you’re all in a race: You can do it! You can make it! Just keep going! Because we mustn’t let something beautiful be stolen from us anymore.

Do you know what one of the tell-tale signs that something is from God is? Life. Being alive is from God. Being teeming with life is from God.

And so the opposite–death–is not from God. Think about this: when evil triumphs, it’s not usually categorized by luscious trees or plants or beautiful things. It’s ugly. And even if it starts out beautiful, the ugliness takes over.

When the Mongols rampaged across Asia and the Middle East in the thirteenth century, they left behind them devastation. And desert. Many places that were not formerly deserts became deserts over the next few decades because the Mongols burned everything. And without plants, the land dried up. Destruction kills what was alive.

Think Lord of the Rings, and how bleak Mordor looks next to The Shire:

The Shire is alive; when Sauron took over Mordor, he made sure everything that was living died (except for his minions also bent on destruction).

I noticed this phenomenon in 1989 when I visited East Berlin. West Berlin was beautiful, with trees, and parks, and art, and lovely buildings; East Berlin was spartan. The people didn’t smile. Everything was utilitarian. Joy was gone.

Evil doesn’t just propagate evil, you see; it also tries to destroy that which is beautiful.

And that’s why there’s a powerful force working to destroy what is beautiful about sex. I know it’s not polite to talk about the devil, but I firmly believe that the devil wants to destroy sex. He wants to make it into something that is ugly. And he is happy when instead of feeling fully alive, we feel somewhat dead.

This morning I was reading in my devotions the story of Ezekiel and the dry bones, found in Ezekiel chapter 37. Basically God calls on Ezekiel to prophecy over dead bones, and as he does the bones begin to rattle. They form together. Sinews grow on them. Then flesh. But they’re still dead until God breathes into them.

I think that’s a picture of where many of us are today when it comes to sex. We feel dead. We’re not excited about it. It doesn’t grow our relationship; it eats away at it. So what’s our response?

I think this story shows two things: one, those bones listened to Ezekiel’s prophecy and joined together and grew. But second, they weren’t fully alive until God breathed into them (I know I’m taking liberties with it here, but bear with me!)

So what does that mean for you?

1. Listen to the Truth

God wants you to be ALIVE. With God, life is teeming, abundant, lush, tropical, beautiful. If your sex life is not like that, then listen to the fact that this is how God wants it.

Then agree with God. You’re not agreeing because you’re experiencing it; you may very well not be experiencing much of anything. But agree with God that this is the way He meant it to be.

Agree with your husband, the two of you together, that this is how God wants it to be. And let me say a word to the spouse, whether it’s the husband or wife, who has the low libido: (and I’ve had a ton of emails from women whose husbands just don’t have sex), you need to believe this, too. God does not want you this way. He did not design you this way. He wants your marriage to be alive and fun and passionate. If you feel inadequate, don’t shrug your shoulders and say, “Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do. That’s just the way I am.”
That is a cop out.

If you are severely overweight, you don’t just say, “that’s just the way I am.” You say, “I need to lose some weight, even if it’s hard.” If you are consumed by nightmares because of things done to you in the past, you don’t just say, “I guess I’ll never sleep again,” you get help. And yet somehow, when it comes to sex, we seem content to say, “I guess this is just the way I am.”

No, it’s not! God wants you to be fully alive and passionate. If you’re not there, at least agree with God that this is His design.

2. Move Together to Make it Happen

Once you’ve agreed, you’ve got to actually take steps forward. Those bones started joining together. Sinews were formed. So DO something! That may mean going back to Day One and rereading some of the challenges. It may mean going over some of the more challenging ones and really putting your heart into it. Instead of balking and saying, “that’s not for me“, it may mean admitting, “It scares me a little; it pushes me out of my comfort zone; but I know God wants me to experience passion, so I’m going to try.”

3. Let God In

But here’s the final one, and really the most important one: You can agree with God all you want. You can try to get things going in the right direction. But ultimately you cannot do this by yourself. You can’t WILL yourself to be passionate.

It is God who breathed life into those dry bones.

All of us need a breath from God today–even those of us who don’t feel particularly bad about our sex life. All of us need more passion. And when we let God in, and feel closer to Him, and let Him work, we will feel so much more alive, both spiritually and sexually. When we feel dry spiritually, we often feel dry sexually. And the opposite is also true.

If you want to be fully alive and fully passionate, you need to be passionate about God first, and let Him move. And that will have major ripple effects in the bedroom.

Do you realize what would happen if all Christian couples became fully alive and fully passionate? Can you imagine the difference that would make in our families, in our churches, in our communities? If we were fully passionate and fully alive, we’d have energy to invest in others. We’d be excited about life and opportunities and possibilities. We’d be able to love everybody more fully. But when we are stuck, both sexually and spiritually, everybody suffers.

Readers, that’s why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If you’ve been reading this series and enjoying it, that’s wonderful. I give this to you as my gift, because I so truly want to see couples passionately alive. But I’m going to ask you now to do something that can have a huge impact. If you haven’t ordered a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex yet, will you? If you want one for yourself, that’s wonderful. I have tons of tips in there, and lots more about how sexuality and spirituality are linked. But most importantly, will you buy a copy for a couple you know who is engaged, or who is in their first year of marriage? If people could just start right, then they could avoid a lot of the heartache I’ve seen in emails and comments over the last few weeks. Thank you.

And now for your challenge:

Great Sex Challenge Day 19: Pray as a couple. Take each others’ hands and earnestly pray together for your sex and your spiritual life. Pray that God will breathe passion into you that will be felt in the bedroom but also outside the bedroom. Pray that you will know what it is to feel fully alive in Him. And don’t just pray quick prayers; really wrestle in prayer before God. Maybe you have a hard time praying as a couple. That’s okay! But try to pray for at least a few minutes. Pray about your kids. Pray about your friends. As you come together spiritually, you will feel your spirits more connected. And as you ask God together, united, for Him to bless your sex life, that prayer will be powerful. So pray! And see God work.

: Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 18: Foreplay Can Be For Him, Too!

Sheila — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:31:07 +0000

Here we are, on Day 18 of the 29 Days to Great Sex! All month we’re looking at strategies to make the physical side of your marriage much more enjoyable and less stressful for both of you. It’s all leading up to the release of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Do you have it on order yet? It’s 30% off now on pre-release (it releases in early March).

I hope you’ve been enjoying these challenges. We started out looking at how our attitudes affect sex, then working on our friendship, and now working on how physically to get it right. Over the next few days we’ll start asking some questions about what’s okay and what’s not, and how to make those kinds of decisions.

But first we have to address foreplay one more time! I’ve had a number of emails from women saying something like:

My husband really doesn’t “get” foreplay. He thinks foreplay is “just for me”, while sex is for “both of us”, and so if I want foreplay I’m being selfish, and I should do what’s best for “both of us”. He doesn’t understand that I can’t really enjoy intercourse if I don’t warm up first.

That’s extremely common, and the best remedy is to really talk to your husband about it. Wait until you’re both in a good mood, and having fun together, and then just start the conversation. Ask what he wants out of your sex life. Tell him what you want. Tell him that you want to be able to fully enjoy it and feel very passionate, but you can’t get there unless you have some attention first. Most men really enjoy seeing their wife respond and get pleasure, so if you can continue to communicate this, chances are he will want to help.

But part of the reason that we often rush foreplay is that it seems awkward. We’re lying there, and he’s just touching us, and everybody feels like they’re watching the clock, or secretly saying, “why is this taking so long?” The woman feels as if she’s being judged if she doesn’t get aroused (though it’s hard to get aroused when you feel rushed), and the man is feeling like this is really stupid because we should be getting to the main event.

So here are some ways to redo foreplay so that he can start seeing them as part of “the main event”, when it’s not just about you, but it’s about him, too.

1. Let Him Watch

Men are highly visual, and foreplay can begin with the way that you beckon him upstairs, or get undressed, or crawl into bed. Push him onto the bed and then make him watch as you take off your clothes. I know some of you are very sensitive to how your body looks, but remember that he gets pleasure from it, and your body is the only naked woman’s body he’s allowed to see. So let him see it.

Besides, what’s sexy is often not just how your body looks but what you do with it. Tease him about by taking off your underclothes slowly–or even while you’re leaning over him. Run your hands over your body before you let him touch you. That’s the kind of thing that will get him going!

One other thought: often the reason that we women like to get into our flannel pyjamas, rush under the covers, and then get undressed under the covers is because the bedroom is SO COLD, especially in winter. That’s certainly the case in Canada, where I’m from! It’s good budgeting to keep the heat in the house down at night. Absolutely. But you might want to tell your husband:

If you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually TURN THE HEAT UP.

And here’s a simple way to do it that will still help your budget bottom line: Buy a space heater and put it on your side of the bed. Yes, electric heaters are very costly to run. But compared to heating a whole house, they’re nothing. And if you just have to have it on for 15 or 20 minutes while you make love, it’s worth it!

2. Touch Him, Too

Foreplay doesn’t have to just be for you; it can and should also involve you touching him, too. Touch him everywhere, not JUST in his genitals. Tease him a bit. And then ask him to show you just how he likes to be touched or stroked. Men tend to like things with a firmer hand than women do, which is why we’re often too soft when we touch the guys, and they’re often too rough with us. Just ask him to guide your hand.

Now, you may not want to touch him the whole time that he’s stimulating you, because he often doesn’t do a very thorough job if he’s that distracted. But doing it a little bit shows that you care about his pleasure, too. And it can also be highly arousing! Touch him and realize the power that you have over him. He wants you. Revel in that.

3. Don’t “Lie There”

It’s often the fact that we’re lying on our backs that can make it seem like we should be rushing. But there’s no reason that you both have to lie that way. In fact, there’s no reason why you have to be in any ONE position for extended periods of time during foreplay. He could sit up, for instance, and then you could sit against him, so you’re both facing the same direction. Then he can still reach around and stimulate various parts of your body, but it psychologically feels different. Many women find this a little more comfortable, too, because he isn’t looking directly at your face.

4. Rub His Body

He’ll enjoy this one: if you need to be stimulated a certain way, stimulate yourself. But not with your hand. Use his body instead. Find a way to grind against his leg, or even against his penis without him entering you, that feels delicious. This requires a lot of moving on your part, which is what he’ll really enjoy. It makes it seem as if you are eager for his body and as if you are really enjoying it, which will excite him, too. And if you keep changing positions to get an even better angle, then he’s going to get stimulated, too.

You can add some tension to it by grabbing his hands and forcing him onto his back where he has to stay there, and then say something like, “Now, I’m going to use you.” I guarantee there are few guys who wouldn’t appreciate that. Then find ways that work, and forbid him from moving. He’ll feel the sexual tension build, right as you’re really enjoying yourself.

5. Kiss

Don’t forget to kiss him! If you’re kissing, then it won’t seem as if there’s a ticking clock in the background. And you don’t have to just kiss his mouth while he’s touching you. Kiss anything! You can even kiss something innocuous, like his neck or his ears, but try to tease him and drive him crazy like that.

6. Talk

Tell him what feels good. Tell him you love him. Comment on what great muscles he has. Remind him of a great time you had last year on your anniversary. Say something sexy! If you’re talking, again you’re showing him that you are enjoying this. You’re into this. You’re excited about participating. And to men, that’s a real turn-on: to know that their wives want to be doing this.

Remember: What stimulates a man is often visual and psychological even more than physical. If you let him watch you, he’ll be excited. And if he feels as if you’re excited, having a good time, and working hard to make this wonderful, then he’ll be excited, too. So foreplay doesn’t have to be just about getting you physically stimulated. It can be about getting you in the mood, but doing it in a way that you reassure your husband that you’re excited about being together. And honestly, if you do all of those things, sex won’t seem like the main event anymore. It will all seem like it’s part of the whole package!

Great Sex Challenge 18: Put Some Effort Into Foreplay! Choose at least three of these things and do them during foreplay tonight. And I’d really recommend the one about rubbing against him to stimulate you. First, that way you’re sure that you get what you need; but second, he’ll really enjoy all the action!

On February 29, I’ll be announcing our great contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon! I’ll also be hosting a live chat on Facebook, and a Twitter party, so hit the subscribe button and keep up with the announcements, so you don’t miss anything.

: Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next: Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 17: The Pleasure Center

Sheila — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:54:22 +0000

How are you doing with our 29 Days to Great Sex? I know the last few days have been a little steamy, with trying to figure out how to get things to work well physically.

Today I have one more major thing to say in this area before we move on to other aspects of making sex great. We started with our own attitudes, looked at enhancing friendship and fun, and now we’re turning to making it actually feel great.

Here’s some encouragement for you before we get started. Often the conflict over sex between husbands and wives is because women don’t tend to have a high libido (now, if in your marriage it’s the other way, as it is in about 25% of marriages, you can read this, and then wait for after our 29 Days, when I’ll be writing a few posts just for you!). But it’s not just frequency that leads to conflict. One husband emailed me recently saying that he and his wife make love every few days, but she shows no enthusiasm. So he feels like she’s just placating him.

What usually happens in marriages is that once women experience real passion, frequency does increase. But the passion itself is what the husbands often crave. It’s not just the release; it’s seeing her receive and experience pleasure.

So how can we experience pleasure? We’ve talked about more foreplay and how to relax and experience orgasm, but let’s get a little more technical (which will end up meaning we’ll have more fun!)

Here’s the thing about orgasm for women: pretty much all orgasms are caused by the clitoris (that little knob of flesh in front of the vagina) being stimulated or pressed. The vagina itself doesn’t have that many nerves; the clitoris, as tiny as it is, actually has more nerves than the penis. It’s the clitoris that is the little bundle of pleasure.

But because it’s little, it often doesn’t get a lot of stimulation once intercourse starts. So here are a few tips for making sure your clitoris gets the attention that it needs to experience real pleasure:

1. Change up the missionary position

Tilt your pelvis up when you’re on the bottom. If he’s on top, and you just lie there, you won’t actually experience a lot of stimulation. Tilt up, though, and you’re putting pressure on the clitoris and changing the angle so that his pelvic bone comes in contact with you there during intercourse. So try tilting up. It’s a little change, but it does a lot!

2. Try being on top

If you are on top during intercourse, then very slowly try to change the angle so that you can hit him at the right spot that makes you feel good. Just rotate a bit until it feels good.

3. Have him touch you

If you’re trying other positions, just have him put a finger or two there, so that you’re receiving stimulation during intercourse.

What often happens is that during foreplay you may feel great because he’s directly stimulating you where it feels good. But then you start actual intercourse, and the stimulation almost stops, depending upon your position. That’s often why women have a hard time reaching orgasm. Instead, try to vary the angle (even if you don’t really vary the position) so that your clitoris does get that sensation. A small change like tilting your hips can do wonders.

I have many more tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but here’s one that hopefully will help you quickly! Many women feel as if something must be wrong with them because intercourse itself just doesn’t feel that wonderful. But that’s actually quite normal. Because the vagina doesn’t have many nerves, unless you’re making an effort to have your clitoris line up with the base of his pelvis, you’re not going to get the pleasurable feelings that you need. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to adjust your position a little bit!

I received an email from a woman lately where she stated that she could only orgasm in one position, and she felt like there was something wrong with her, and she should be aiming for more. I don’t think that’s the case at all. Many of us find a position that works, because we’ve had to rotate and tilt and try to get the angle just right, and with the shape of his body, and the shape of ours, there’s one that just is more conducive. And it’s not the same position for each woman, either! If you enjoy other positions, but you find that only one lets you orgasm, that’s really okay. You can always use the others as a type of foreplay, and then always finish in one. It doesn’t mean that you’re inferior or something if you don’t enjoy sexual gymnastics!

Incidentally, as you try to find the right position, it also means that you’ll have to more active while you make love. You won’t be able to just “lie there”. You’ll have to shift a bit, or tilt a bit, and that means you’ll be more engaged. Your husband will likely appreciate this, because it will show that you are desiring to make love, and that you are choosing to receive pleasure. That’s a big deal to a man. So even if it takes you a few tries (or a lot of tries) to get it right, he’ll really enjoy your effort (and likely so will you).

So here’s your challenge:

Great Sex Challenge 17: Tonight, try a position or two, but stop him from moving, and you rotate until you get the right angle. This takes some courage and assertiveness! You’ll have to speak up! And if it doesn’t feel just right, keep trying. Change positions if you have to. But don’t just “settle” for something. Really tell him what feels good, and keep working at it until you find it!

Tomorrow: Foreplay is for him, too!

And on February 29, I’ll be announcing our great contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon! I’ll also be hosting a live chat on Facebook, and a Twitter party, so hit the subscribe button and keep up with the announcements, so you don’t miss anything.

Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next: Foreplay is for Him, Too!

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 16: How to Have an Orgasm

Sheila — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:50:14 +0000

Last year, after my husband and I gave the “sex talk” at a FamilyLife marriage conference, I was approached by a very determined woman.

“I have a question, and I’ve never found anyone I could ask. What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I’ve had one?”

Many women do not experience orgasm during sex. In the surveys that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, around 65% regularly orgasm during intercourse, but that leaves 35% who don’t. And some of those 35% have never had an orgasm at all.

I know this is a really sensitive and rather personal topic, but you can’t write 29 Days to Great Sex without talking about it! We’ve looked at how to increase friendship, self-esteem, play, and attitude, and today I want to spend today on something far more physically important because I know there are many women, like my conference participant, who honestly want to know.

So here’s what an orgasm is:

It’s the height of sexual pleasure. You tend to climax right after an exquisite tension when, if your husband stopped doing whatever he was doing, you’d likely burst out into tears. When you do orgasm, waves pass over you. Your legs tend to stiffen up. Your head often goes from side to side. And your vaginal muscles contract. Plus it feels very good.

Most women find it easier to orgasm to their husbands touching them than they do during intercourse, because the stimulation is more direct (we’ll talk about why this is tomorrow). But what do you do if you’ve never experienced an orgasm, or if they tend to be rather rare?

I’ve asked J from Hot, Holy and Humorous to share some thoughts, and then I’ll share some extras of my own. Here’s J:

I recently got a question from a commenter. Here’s what she (Anonymous) said:

“My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to believe that I can’t. I love sex… I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?”

Without further ado, here’s my rendition of:

How to Orgasm

1. Don’t try

Yes, it’s a worthy goal. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you’re out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voila! there they are – the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.

Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.

2. Learn about your body.

There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. (Note from Sheila: I’ve got a ton of this in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!).

Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband’s, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.

You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he’s already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.

3. Slow way down.

Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.

And that’s okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.

4. Focus on the sensations.

The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it’s easy for us to think about sex and – sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what’s happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.

Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration – getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.

5. Communicate.

Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.

Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn’t mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he’ll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” move his hand and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Moans and groans also let a hubby know when he’s hit the jackpot.

6. Surrender to the moment.

Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.

Well, that’s it. Today’s tips for how to orgasm.

You know what was so great about this reader’s question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. “I love sex,” she wrote. By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don’t require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don’t hit that Big O, and that’s okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. But for women, sex can be great even without one.

Thanks, J!

Great tips. Let me give a little more perspective from my surveys. Women are more likely to orgasm once they’ve been married for a few years, so if it takes a while for things to work, that’s okay. Orgasm is the ultimate letting go; when you’re still shy early in your marriage, that can be difficult. Don’t worry about it. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get there (like those elusive shoes J talked about).

Now, some positions do make orgasm easier than others, and we’ll talk about that tomorrow. But for today, I like J’s advice: concentrate on pleasure first, and then how learning to relax, and it’s more likely to happen. One last thought for the men: if you put too much pressure on your wife to orgasm, and feel like a failure if she doesn’t, then she’s less likely to want to make love if she thinks she may not reach climax. It’s great to want to pleasure her; to pressure her, though, can often backfire. Just take things slowly, laugh a lot, leave time to explore, and let things happen as they happen.

And I have three chapters in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on how to make sex feel great–including what to do if that orgasm just isn’t occurring. So the book has lots more tips there, and it’s 30% off until March 6!

Great Sex Challenge 16: Learn how to be completely mentally present while making love, and how to concentrate on the pleasure that you’re feeling. Redo yesterday’s challenge to concentrate on foreplay, and then take it one step further. If you’ve never experienced an orgasm, try to prolong foreplay to see if it happens. Concentrate on the pleasure, concentrate on what your body is feeling, and relax. If you have experienced orgasm through ways other than intercourse, but have a hard time experiencing one through intercourse, then spend a ton of time on foreplay, and then only start making love when you’re very excited. Keep concentrating on what your body is feeling, and learn to revel in the pleasure. Then just see what happens!

Tomorrow: More on how to experience pleasure by looking at the clitoris

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Sheila — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 08:19:05 +0000

We’re halfway through our 29 Days to Great Sex, which also means we’re halfway towards the launch of our amazing contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon, and halfway towards the official launch of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Make sure that you subscribe to the blog using the RSS icon so that you don’t miss the announcements! (by the way, I know today is Wifey Wednesday, but we’re doing something different for the month of February. But I’ve opened the linky below anyway!)

And welcome Roo Mag readers! You’ve picked a pretty “steamy” day to visit for the first time. I hope you enjoy it anyway–I think it’s done tastefully.

Yesterday we talked about how most women don’t necessarily feel “in the mood” before you start making love–it’s more a by-product of making love. But what if you never actually get aroused? That’s a problem!

And it’s likely because you’re not doing enough of the things that arouse you. So today, Day 15 of 29 Days to Great Sex, let’s talk today about foreplay: what it is, how to make it great, and how to figure out what you like.

Before we do that, let’s go over some misconceptions about foreplay:

1. Foreplay can get too clinical

If there’s too much “spend two minutes touching her breasts and then four minutes between her legs” while she lies there, it’s hardly going to be fun. It can seem like it’s rote–like he’s doing it just to get going, sort of like you prime an engine before it actually turns on. And if he aims for an especially sensitive area before you’ve spent any time kissing or holding each other, it can seem very intrusive.

For foreplay to be pleasurable, it needs to be part of the whole experience–not just something you have to do and want to get over with so that you can get to the main event.

Touching and exploring each others’ bodies should be fun. Foreplay, then, doesn’t always have to be the same thing, for the same amount of time. And if you spend a lot of time in foreplay, it can seem much more intimate, and it can make actual intercourse that much more intense.

2. Foreplay can be a one-way street

If foreplay consists entirely of him touching you (because he’s already in the mood, and you’re not), then it can make a lot of women feel somehow inferior. What’s wrong with me that I’m not ready?

Instead, make it about both of you. Touch him, too, so that it’s about feeling each other and experiencing each other, not just him making you try to catch up to where he’s already at, as if there’s something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you–and foreplay, when you both touch each other, makes sex so much more intense.

3. Foreplay can be routine

While there are certain things that feel good to women, if you do too much of the same thing it can get boring. What really makes a person aroused is a whole combination of things–feeling loved, feeling a little bit teased, having all the nerves firing. And one can do that in different ways. One of the sexiest things sometimes is to have your husband touch everything, very slowly, EXCEPT your real erogenous zones. That makes those zones ever so much more sensitive. So you don’t always have to do the same thing every night. And you don’t always have to use just fingers, either. Kiss each other. Feel with the whole hand. Rub your hair over him. Be creative. The more you get involved, the more exciting and fun it will be.

4. Foreplay can be too rough

Men like to be touched intimately much more firmly than women do. Men like to be squeezed, but if a guy touches a woman’s erogenous zones the way he likes to be touched, it’s going to hurt–or at least be very uncomfortable. Many women, when they’re new to sex, experience this and think, “I guess I don’t like my breasts touched”, or “I guess I don’t like foreplay.” That’s not true. He’s just never touched you the way you need to be touched.

Now, let’s look at How to Make Foreplay Wonderful

1. Tell Him What You Like

Here’s the hardest part: you’re going to have to communicate. Many women in the comments to this series have said that their husbands don’t touch them properly, and so why should they want to make love? But I wonder if they have ever told their husbands. It’s hard to be that personal, because many of us are embarrassed about what we’re feeling. And if something doesn’t feel good, we start to wonder if there’s something wrong with us.

If you’ve been married for quite some time and you’ve never told him that something that he does turns you right off, it can be even harder, because will you be hurting his feelings?

I know this is a sensitive subject, but you have to let him know. He honestly wants to give you pleasure, but he doesn’t know how you feel. So if he’s doing something a little bit too roughly, or not hitting exactly the right place, move his hand and show him. If you’re a little brave, you can even touch yourself and show him what you like.

Sometimes showing him how to touch you is easier if you begin by asking him how he likes to be touched. Experiment a bit and say, “Harder? Softer? More? Less?” If you’re asking the questions, he may then return the favour.

But please tell him! Do it sensitively and you won’t wreck his ego. But you may end up enhancing it if he can feel like he can actually give you pleasure.

2. Be an Active Participant

Feel him. Touch him. Change positions. Don’t only lie there, waiting for him to turn you on. If you’re active, the experience is more intimate, and you’ll enjoy it more!

3. Drag it Out to Relax You

Start with a bath or a massage to help you relax. Enjoy being naked together.

4. Don’t Rush It

Finally, don’t rush it. Give yourself proper time to get aroused, and for many women that takes a good 15 or 20 minutes. If you’re each doing things, and you’re relaxed, and you’re laughing together, too, that’s much better than feeling like “after he’s been touching me for 2 minutes I should be ready to go, so I guess we’ll just start”.

If you’re not sure what you like, and you’ve always been nervous about having all the attention on you during foreplay, I’d challenge you to redo the challenge from Day 5 and just let him feel your body for 15 minutes, while you don’t move. In fact, this is a great assignment to do over and over again! It takes the pressure off of you feeling like you should be ready, and it teaches him to figure out what you like (while also showing you what you like).

Remember, foreplay really isn’t optional. Most women are not “wet” enough to make love comfortably without some stimulation first. It’s not like intercourse is the main event, and everything else is sub-optimal. The whole experience is part of sex, not just intercourse. And this is a vitally important one, because it helps focus you not just on your genitals, but on your hands, your eyes, your mouth–everything. In many ways, it’s actually more personal, and even more intimate, than intercourse. So try to ramp up foreplay, and you’ll find sex more exciting!

Good Girl Challenge 15: Spend at least 15 minutes in foreplay. Seriously. Set the timer and don’t let yourself start intercourse until you’ve been kissing and exploring for at least 15 minutes. And show him what you like! Guys, if you’re reading this and your wife is shy, take the initiative and ask her. Finally, throw yourself into it, too. Touch him, and have fun! Your bodies are yours to explore. Don’t shortchange the time!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

Do you have anything about marriage that you want to share with us? Write your own post and link up, like we do every Wednesday for Wifey Wednesday!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 14: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

Sheila — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 07:40:29 +0000

Before we launch into Day 14 of 29 Days to Great Sex, I have to show you this! My books arrived yesterday! Here’s a 30 second clip of the first time I saw the printed version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:

So cool! And you can still order them for 30% off here.

Okay, now back to the task at hand. In looking at sex this month, we started with how we feel about sex, leading to how to have fun with your husband, and this week we’re looking at what happens when you wind up in the bedroom together at night. Now it’s Day 14 of 29 Days to Great Sex, which means it’s Valentine’s Day! For many of us that’s a lot of pressure. Sure we could buy him chocolates and a card, but we know what he really wants. Can we deliver?

Today I want to walk you all through how desire works in women, because I think we often misunderstand it.

In movies, a couple totally hot for each other, and so they fall into bed together. They’re both “in the mood”. They’re both aroused. And so they make love.

That’s honest. They make love because they want to make love. They’re in the mood, and they’re acting on that.

The problem is it’s also not realistic. Most women just are not “in the mood” at the drop of a hat, panting and waiting to fall into bed. A Psychology Today article explained this well:

That’s what University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women. Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.

What does that mean for us? It means that we need to rethink what being “in the mood” actually means. You see, men were designed to need very little stimulation. They see something and they’re ready to go. Women, on the other hand, simply don’t work that way. We need to relax, be able to concentrate on what’s going on, and slowly heat up. It’s not like there’s a physical need in the same way (which is not to say that women don’t get aroused, or that we aren’t bothered if we go for too long without sex; only that physiologically we tend to work very differently).

That means that to make love when you aren’t currently “in the mood” isn’t lying or being dishonest. Instead, what you’re doing is responding to your husband. He pursues you, and tries to arouse you, and then you respond. That actually makes perfect sense. Men, after all, are more the pursuer, and we are more the responder. That’s the way we were made. And so our bodies are made to respond to theirs; they weren’t made to necessarily be ready before the pursuit is actually begun.

I’m afraid that many women are missing out on how great sex can be, and what a great sex life they can have, because they figure they aren’t “in the mood” so they can’t, or it would be somehow akin to faking. But to start to kiss him when he wants to make love, and to start to let your hands wander, and to respond to his hands wandering, is not faking. It’s responding. And when you put your head in the game, as Rosemary Basson found, women do tend to heat up.

Now, if you never heat up, there could be several reasons, some of which we’ll cover in the next few days. You could have low testosterone, and if you never have sexy dreams, never get aroused, and never seem to desire sex, you should be checked for this. He could simply not have learned how to properly stimulate you, or perhaps because you don’t know yourself, and we’ll look more at that this week. Or you could have some issues with sex, such as past abuse, which you need to seek healing from. But in general, if your husband has learned what your body likes, and you make a decision to respond, your body will indeed follow.

It’s this decision part that’s so important. If you don’t make that mental leap that says, “I’m going to throw myself into this and enjoy it”, then you likely won’t. You have to turn on your own switch. No matter what he does, he can’t arouse you unless you decide to become aroused, because we control our own sex drive. And this, too, makes sense. If women automatically could become aroused no matter who they were with, then the pursuit really wouldn’t be as big a deal, would it? But women don’t automatically become aroused; we have to choose to let ourselves, which means that we are choosing to enjoy our husbands. He’s pursuing, and we’re choosing to be caught. Incidentally, this is what men often wish women understood. They desire sex not just for physical release, or even primarily for physical release. Sex is their way of seeing if we actually will respond to them and accept them. It’s their way of seeing whether we would choose them again. So what really interests a man is not his orgasm nearly as much as it is his wife’s ability–or choice–to respond sexually.

So how do you actually heat up? This is going to sound really strange, but trust me on this. When you’re making love and he’s touching you, keep asking yourself, over and over, “where do I want him to touch now? What feels good?” If you ask “where do I want him to touch now?”, then you’re paying attention to your body and you’re thinking about what it’s feeling. And that, in and of itself, is the key to arousal. You’re not letting yourself become distracted; you’re thinking about your physical body. And as you do, you’ll likely find that some body part does want to be touched. Just move his hand there and show him! And then the arousal will likely start.

With tonight being Valentine’s Day, many women will want to give their husbands a fun time. That’s great. Just remember that you don’t have to be “in the mood” first. You just have to love him and be willing to jump in, and then concentrate once you do. You’re deciding to accept him, and deciding to respond, and chances are your body will. (And if it still won’t, more on that in the next few days!).

Great Sex Challenge 14: Jump in and initiate sex, even if you don’t think you’re in the mood. Make a decision to have a fun time, and really throw yourself into it, and see if your body responds!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next: Day 15: What is Foreplay?

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29 Days to Great Sex Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Sheila — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:24:45 +0000

It’s our 29 Days to Great Sex event, and I want to recap what we’ve done so far and let you in on what’s ahead this week.

We’ve looked at how to reframe how think about sex, how to reframe how we think about our bodies and about pleasure, and even how to think of our husbands differently. We’re looked at how to get in the right frame of mind during the day by flirting, and playing, and preparing for the evening.

This week we’re going to look at what to do when the evening finally arrives. Today we’ve going to look at how to get your head in the game, and then we’ll turn to foreplay, orgasm, and more!

Let me start with some basics that many men and women don’t understand about female libido, and it goes like this: if our heads are not in the game, our bodies won’t follow. If we are distracted by anything, then it’s difficult to get aroused. This is the exact opposite of men, whose bodies often react to visual stimuli even if they ARE distracted and don’t want to be thinking about sex. Most men react almost automatically; women need to decide to react.

I’ve often heard it said that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers, insinuating that men can heat up and be done quickly, while women take more time. But I think that analogy is false because it implies that women will, eventually, heat up. The truth is there is no guarantee. A guy can do exactly the same thing to his wife that yesterday had her in raptures, and today he can tell she’s lying there thinking, “will you just get it over with because I want to get to sleep.” While women certainly can heat up, men can’t do it completely for us. We control the switch. We’re the ones who need to decide to participate, and that’s not always easy.

Consider this scenario, that I shared with Paul Byerley, The Generous Husband, in a recent guest post:

You walk into your bedroom to find your husband giving you that “Y’wanna?” look. You smile, and undress while he looks on appreciatively. You climb into bed and start kissing. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you push him away and say:

“Do you think Michelle should drop piano? She just isn’t enjoying it and it’s costing us $20 a week in lessons, and a whole Tuesday night. We could take that money and go to a movie as a family and spend quality time together instead!”

What just happened? Did you decide you really didn’t want to have sex? Chances are your husband was pretty ticked, because he thought the evening was going in a certain direction, and now you’ve erected a big “Detour” sign.

I used to think that when I launched into a big monologue right in the middle of foreplay that subconsciously I was trying to push my husband away. But over the years I’ve realized that the opposite is the case. I can’t really get into making love if I have a lot of unprocessed thoughts in my head, because they end up bouncing around in there, like a huge pinball game. And my body doesn’t suddenly spring into action the way my husband’s does. I have to get myself in the mood, anticipate what we’re doing, and concentrate if it’s going to feel good. Like most women, sex for me is mostly in my head.

And if there’s too much other stuff rolling around in my head, my body won’t be able to get in the game. Part of getting ready for the big event, then, is to empty my head of all the stuff that’s rattling around in there. When I can get it out, I can let other stuff in.

There’s another element to this urge to talk, too. As we’ve talked about before, men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love. In other words, for men, making love is a way of checking in on the relationship, and making sure that everything is good. When we make love, they feel as if we accept them and want to be with them.

For women, though, we need to feel that acceptance first, and part of that is feeling as if our men understand our hearts. That’s why conversation is so key to a woman’s libido. She needs to feel as if she’s understood, but she also needs to feel as if all the details in her head that are bouncing around about her to-do list tomorrow, and her worries about the kids, are out in the open so that she isn’t distracted.

So if you want sex to be great, TALK. Talk earlier in the evening so that she feels loved, and also so that she has a chance to process all the things that are in her head. And women, if you have a lot of “logistic” type worries–like how am I going to manage my time and get everything done?–discuss these with your husband, too, because he may be able to figure out some things you can say no to, or some other strategy of dealing with everything.

And guys, if you’re reading this, understand that your wife’s urge to talk is not a rejection of you or a rejection of sex; it’s her way of getting her mind in gear and emptied out of all her concerns so that she can actually concentrate and enjoy sex.

Great Sex Challenge 13: Talk to each other about developing new habits of talking earlier in the evening and checking in with each other about your day. Can you go for a walk after dinner? Can you curl up on the couch for 15 minutes? Even keep a day planner near the bed so that together you can go over her schedule and fit errands in it so that she’s not worried. It takes 21 days for a habit to become ingrained, but start this one today: find regular, scheduled time just to TALK.

This may not sound sexy, but before we can move on to how to really enjoy sex, she absolutely must be able to get her head in the game, and that means dealing with the day’s stresses. So make this a habit; it will benefit both of you!

My new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is filled with information about the differences in a man’s libido and a woman’s libido and what we both need to get it fired up. The book will be out in a few weeks, but it’s 30% off if you preorder now!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next:
Day 14: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!