To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Wifey Wednesday: Supporting Friends’ Marriages

Sheila — Wed, 16 May 2012 10:44:33 +0000

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party! I’ll write a post about marriage, and then you all can link up one of your own below!

Today I don’t want to talk about your marriage. I want to talk about those marriages around us.

Marriage is a public good. Society does better when more people are married. People are more emotionally stable. Families are healthier. Children fare better. And there’s less heartache when people are in stable relationships.

God designed marriage as the first and most important earthly relationship. And so we shouldn’t take it lightly.

Yet while we all know we have an obligation to keep our own marriages strong, do we realize that we also play a role in other people’s marriages?

I’ve been at weddings where the pastor has asked the congregation members to vow to uphold this couple: to pray for them, encourage them, and support them. I like that, because it recognizes that marriage is also a community responsibility.

Yesterday, after my post about what to do when your husband announces he’s having an affair, a woman wrote and asked, “what do you do when your best friend is the one having the affair on her husband?” And it got me thinking that too often we live solitary lives, not really “interfering” in other people’s marriages because we don’t want to seem to meddle. So here are some thoughts on how we can live out the responsibility to help everyone’s marriages:

1. Be a Mentor

It is so important to have someone that you are mentoring. If you know a young couple who has just gotten married, reach out and ask them for dinner. Have coffee with the wife. Offer to pray with her. Often people don’t ask for mentors, so take the step and help someone! Or lead a Bible study for young married couples. That’s an invaluable help, too!

2. Watch How You Talk about Marriage

If you start complaining about your husband, you give other women permission to complain about theirs. It’s not good to complain about your husband in the first place, but I wonder how many of us realize that when we do that, we’re also hurting other people’s marriages? If, when you’re talking to other women, you denigrate your husband, then you give those women the impression, “it’s okay to think badly of my husband. It’s okay to put him down.” And what you talk about, you think about. The more you talk negatively, the more you think negatively.

Make a habit of praising your husband to other women, though, and you give the opposite impression: “it’s important to uphold marriage in how we talk.” That’s good!

3. Establish Boundaries

Make boundaries with the opposite sex, and stick to them. Try, as much as possible, not to be alone with a man who isn’t your husband, unless you can’t avoid it at work. Here’s why this is important: let’s say that you’re not worried at all about you straying, because your relationship is 100% great with your husband. But you worship lead on a praise team, and your co-leader is a guy. And you start getting together with him to plan the upcoming service every Tuesday night.

Now, nothing is happening between the two of you. You don’t think about him that way at all–and he doesn’t think of you that way at all, either. Occasionally you text him when an idea pops into your head, and it’s totally harmless

But you’ve now given him the impression that it’s normal to text other women and to be alone with other women. And so you’ve lowered his boundaries. It’s now easier for him to start texting someone at work, or to start talking to someone at work, or to have lunch with a woman at work. Not good.

The vast majority of affairs that start begin perfectly innocently over a friendship. Don’t put yourself in that position, but also support others who are trying to maintain boundaries so that they won’t fall with someone else.

4. Trade Baby-Sitting

Help other couples with a date night by baby-sitting sometimes!

And now for the hard ones:

5. Confront Lovingly

If you see a friend starting to go down a dangerous road (like texting a guy from work), tell her to stop. Don’t shy away from confrontation because you want to be polite. Tell her it’s dangerous and she shouldn’t do it.

I remember hearing the story of a trucker who often drove with this other guy in tandem. At a certain stop the guy had a “woman” that he would visit. My friend (the first trucker) knew his friend’s wife well. And he was not impressed. So one day he told the guy, “stop it, or I’ll tell your wife.” And when the guy refused to stop, my friend decked him. And the guy stopped the affair.

Now, I’m not recommending cat fights. But there are times when confrontation is likely necessary. Think of the heartache you’ll all go through if the relationship progresses.

And confront, too, even if it’s not an issue of infidelity. When I was speaking recently, a woman came up to me afterwards and asked about her best friend, who hadn’t had sex for over a year. She’d been withholding because she had a baby and was sick of the whole thing. This woman who was asking my advice was very worried for her friend, and she ended up buying The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and writing down several resources that I also recommended (including some blog posts). That’s a good friend.

If you have a friend who is acting very counter-productively in her marriage, either by putting the kids first, or ignoring her husband, or being too busy, or whatever, find a way to gently tell her. Don’t judge her. Tell her what you do wrong, too. Ask her to hold you accountable as well. Pray a ton about it. But do confront her. We all need that sometimes.

We tend to shy away from this sort of thing in our culture because it’s not polite, and we don’t want to be seen as holier than thou. But then why are we surprised when relationships break down? If we’re afraid to step in early, when relationships can be rescued, then what good is real friendship?

6. Don’t Accept a Split

Finally, if your friend announces she’s leaving the marriage, here’s the strategy I would use to help her stay. It’s a longer post, and I won’t repeat it here, but do go read it. It’s all about how to start a conversation so she’s more likely to stay (because frequently our strategies are wrong).

Marriage is too important to let friends give up on. Let’s root for them, as they root for us, and create a community that really cherishes marriage.

Now, do you have any advice for us today? Or what do you think about how we can encourage each others’ marriages? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

What to Do When You Discover Your Husband’s Having an Affair

Sheila — Tue, 15 May 2012 12:19:09 +0000

It’s a cliche to say “it could happen to anyone”, but I do believe that’s true. While affairs may be more likely to happen in relationships that are distant, that have unresolved conflict, or that have tension sexually, they’re not confined to those relationships. A while ago I wrote how emotional affairs especially can pop up at work, or anywhere men and women naturally spend extended time together.

That’s not to say we should all be paranoid. But I do believe that when a friend or acquaintance announces that her husband has had an affair, we shouldn’t assume that the friend did something wrong. I have seen affairs happen after couples have put a lot of work into their relationships. It isn’t always straightforward.

And so today I’d like to talk to the women who find themselves in that position (and even if you’re not there, please read along, because chances are all of us know someone who will walk through this one day).

1. Surround Yourself with Help

You’re going to be devastated when your husband confesses this to you. Sometimes we don’t want to tell anyone because we’re hoping it will all go away; he’ll wake up and realize what a mistake he’s making, and then we can just go forward like nothing happened. Don’t do that. You really need some help. You need someone to talk with, and someone to pray with, and someone who will support you in your feelings.

When you feel sad and betrayed, you tend to want to go to your husband with those feelings because he’s usually the one you talk to about important things. Find someone else. You need to get some perspective.

2. Realize This Doesn’t Mean the Marriage is Over

Here’s the most important thing: while Jesus allowed divorce in the case of infidelity, he did not command it. And I know many couples who have survived affairs and emerged strong from it (I won’t say they’ve emerged better, because I don’t believe that; but I do think that God brought good out of the situation and helped them cling together).

One couple I know ended up separating for a year and a half. He needed some time to get his head on straight, and once he did, he realized he didn’t want to lose his family. It took a long time for his wife to trust him again, but she was eventually able to. That was over fourteen years ago now, and they’re doing great.

Sometimes, too, affairs haven’t even been consummated. Maybe he’s announced that he’s “in love” with someone, and doesn’t know what to do. Physical affairs often begin as emotional affairs, and if he feels “in love”, he may think he needs to confess. But that doesn’t mean that he will necessarily act on it.

That’s why it’s important to look at the individual situation. Is your husband following Christ? Is he open to the Holy Spirit? Is this out of character for him, or is it another in a long line of affairs? Does he check out every woman and make comments about women’s appearance, or has he generally stayed faithful in mind and body beforehand?

Sometimes an affair will signal the end of the marriage, especially if a guy never really has been fully faithful. But other times it’s a mistake that he’s made, and he’s really confused, and really hurting, and it won’t mean that the marriage is over. So do not despair!

3. Take Stock of Your Anger

Now it’s time to deal with the anger that you’re feeling. In some cases, it’s not the affair that leads to the divorce; it’s the anger of the other partner. He confesses, and a big part of him wants the marriage to work, even if he can’t bring himself to say that because he’s so confused. But in her anger she pushes him away and decides that she can never trust him again.

Anger is real. Anger is even justified, I believe, when someone has betrayed you like that. But don’t make decisions in your anger, and, as much as possible, try not to push him away because of your anger. Talk to someone else about your anger. Try to work through it with a mentor. Anger is not a good partner for making decisions.

4. Focus on the Children

When you’re both confused and hurt, the thing that it’s easy to talk about is the affair itself. How could he do this? Why her? Is she better than me?

While there is a time and a place for that, it’s often better to work through the whys and the hows of the affair after you’ve made the decision whether or not you’re going to stay together.

So let’s talk about something on which you have common ground, and which can rescue the relationship: namely, the children. I wrote a post a while back on what to say to a friend who is contemplating leaving her husband. And I suggested that you steer clear of the affair, because she can justify that in her mind, and focus on the kids. Do you really want to do this to the kids? Do we want to put them through this?

Talk about what you’d like for the kids, and how you’d like them to grow up. And then perhaps it will be easier for him to choose to stay.

5. Don’t Be a Doormat

Finally, don’t be a doormat. While some women react in anger, others do the opposite, essentially saying, “I’ll do anything as long as you stay.” That’s not healthy for the relationship, and it’s likely to backfire, for one simple reason: you can’t respect a doormat. In order for him to stay, he has to want to be with you. He isn’t going to want to be with someone he can’t respect.

The best book I have ever read on this subject is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It walks through how to save a marriage when only one partner wants it saved, usually because the other partner is having an affair. And he goes through the feelings that you’ll experience, shows you how to run to God with your issues, how to find your own pride and your own identity once again as you turn to God in prayer, and shows the most successful route for saving a marriage. He believes that entails allowing the wayward spouse to experience the full consequences of his actions. So rather than lying over and taking whatever he brings in his confusion, you draw clear boundaries. I highly recommend it.

I get emails every week from women who have discovered their husbands are having affairs. Some of these are online relationships; some are at work; some are at church. Some of the scenarios I read and think, “that doesn’t sound like there’s much hope (outside of a miracle)”. This is a pattern for him (and often extended even before the wedding). But others I read and think, “that could be rebuilt”.

If you ever hear that devastating news, I just pray that you will find yourself someone to talk to, read the book, and then pray about what course you will pursue. Reconciliation, if possible, is usually the best option, for you and your kids. But it is not always the best option. And whichever route God leads you through, He will always be there to carry you.

UPDATE: A reader rightly pointed out that I should have had a sixth point, namely, pray! Of course! So sorry. I assumed it throughout the points, but I should have been more up front. But prayer is so needful, especially in these hard times. This is one of those things that you can’t logically think through or logically figure out what to do, because there’s so much going on you can’t see. You need God to work–not just on your husband, but also on you to give you strength to do what’s necessary, in whatever direction. So pray! God will show up.

Mother’s Day Reflections

Sheila — Mon, 14 May 2012 12:51:24 +0000

A few things that were sent to me for Mother’s Day. First, to take you back in a time machine, here’s a clip from The Cosby Show at its best. It was shown at an event I spoke at on Saturday night, and as soon as I got home I showed it to my family. It’s awfully funny:

And now for something completely different.

Do you know what a fistula is? It’s an endemic health problem women face across the Third World, and it happens because of lack of obstetrical care. Basically, when you’re in labour, you get a bad tear on your vagina which goes all the way through to your urethra or even your anus. And because of that tear, fluids (and other things) can start coming out of your vagina and you have no control over it. So you become a pariah to your community, because you stink, and it’s often assumed that God cursed you.

The problem is far worse among the very young moms, whose bodies just aren’t ready for labour.

Here’s a story of a 13-year-old who was raped, and faced labour alone for three days until she delivered a stillborn baby. And she had a huge fistula.

Mahabouba smelled foul, and villagers thought she had been cursed by God. They put her in a hut at the edge of the village and took off the door — so the hyenas would get her that night.

When the hyenas came, Mahabouba used a stick to fend them off. The next morning she set off crawling to get to an American missionary who lived more than 30 miles away. The missionary took her to the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital, where she met Steven Arrowsmith, an American urologist from Grand Rapids, Mich.

It’s the story of Christian missionary doctors who have gone to Africa to help treat this horrible problem–and surgery can fix it.

The story focused on Steven Arrowsmith, but I have a friend doing a similar thing in Uganda, Jean Froese, and she’s started a charity called Save the Mothers, which helps women suffering from pregnancy-related problems. If you’re feeling especially grateful this Mother’s Day, it would be wonderful to spread some of that gratitude to other mothers who don’t have what we do.

I have had difficult labours. I simply cannot imagine going through labour alone, as a teenage girl. And yet millions upon millions of women do that every year. We are so, so blessed, even those of us who are going through relationship difficulties. And reading that article reminded me of it once again, and so I thought I would share it with you.

I hope you had a wonderful day yesterday with your families. I certainly did, and I am grateful once again for all God has given me.

Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?

Sheila — Sat, 12 May 2012 19:31:38 +0000

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s a difficult one, and I’ve received about 4 versions of this question this week. I’m hoping that some of you who have walked through this can give these women some encouragement. Here’s a composite of their emails:

We’ve been married for a few years now, and I honestly don’t enjoy sex. I find it rather disgusting. I don’t want to be like this; I desperately want to have a great marriage. I know I’m hurting my husband. I can try to “throw myself into it” but my body just doesn’t follow. It’s like I shut down. What should I do?

Great question! And a really tough one. I know so many of you have experienced this, but many of you have also come out on the other side. If that’s your story, can you give them some encouragement?

Leave your thoughts in the comments!

And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift to yourself, as well! I’m sure your husband won’t mind .

Mothering on a Weak Stomach

Sheila — Fri, 11 May 2012 11:51:47 +0000

Every Friday my column appears in a number of newspapers around the country. This week’s actually is a shortened version of Monday’s blog post on parenting, so I thought that I’d run a Mother’s Day column from a few years ago instead in this space!

I have often marvelled at the fact that my youngest daughter is so healthy. At first I chalked it up to homeschooling, since we shelter her from germ factories. But thanks to Austrian lung specialist Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, I now have the real answer. It turns out that picking your nose and eating it boosts the immunity.

This is one of those things that, as a parent, you would rather not know. And as I was pondering this piece of research, a few questions occurred to me. Does Bischinger have nothing better to do with his time than worry about nose picking? Perhaps he should come do a shift or two at Canadian hospitals and fill in for some of the overworked internists here.

Even more importantly, how does one measure this particular experiment? You have to compare the pick-and-swallow kids with something. Do you arrange for a group of pick-and-stick-it-on-the-side-of-Grandma’s-couch? Or a group of non-pickers? In our family the question may be moot anyway because we have actually cured my youngest of this habit, at least in public. According to Bischinger, of course, we should just let her rip. Somehow I just don’t think I can find the stomach for it.

Stomach fortitude, though, is something I have discovered in a whole new way since becoming a mom. Grown women venture out with other grown women, only to find the conversation turning to the consistency of toddlers’ fecal matter. Two or three years earlier many of us wouldn’t even admit we had fecal matter. Kids, of course, don’t share our squeamishness. They know body functions are taboo, but these still cause gales of laughter. They are the source of the most outrageous insults and humour they can imagine. (Typical joke told by a four-year-old: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Fart!”, followed by everyone collapsing on the floor laughing). Recently, when our family was considering renting a particular movie, I refused since it had swearing in it. Rebecca, our oldest, leaned over to her younger sister and whispered, “that means it has bum words.”

The odd thing is that children have no concept of what actually is distasteful. They think nothing of barging in to the bathroom at that particular moment when you really want privacy, but should they see you and your spouse kissing, well, the screams you hear are enough to think we had been the ones nose-picking.

Meal times are perhaps the worst for these expressions of disgust. I actually enjoy cooking, but my meals usually have vegetables and meat—I know this will be hard to believe—mixed together. This is a major faux pas in my children’s eyes, and worthy of several choruses of “eeeewwwws!”. If everything is not confined to its own hemispheres on the plate, it’s not worthy. And don’t even get me started on sauces.

Yet I am not the only source of squeamish stomachs in our family. My daughters cause plenty of nausea, too. One of them, who has never met a sauce she likes, thinks nothing of picking up the gum she stuck on her dresser before dinner to finish it afterwards (we’re working on curing her of that, too). And why is it so hard to get kids to remember to flush the toilet?

It seems that motherhood is an inauguration into new challenges for the stomach-challenged, which is probably why it begins as it does. When I was pregnant with Rebecca the only thing I thought of, for the first five months, was food. I dreamed about food. I daydreamed about food. The only thing I didn’t do was eat food. I was so nauseous that every waking minute was dedicated to trying to picture some food that would stay down—an apple? A hard boiled egg? Definitely nothing with sauce.

One day I will have the bathroom to myself, I will be able to kiss my husband whenever I want, eat whatever I want, and ignore the consistency of everybody’s toilet habits. I think I’ll miss these days. And that’s why I still cherish the mushy kisses and mushy cereal I’m presented with every Mother’s Day morning. I hope you all had a wonderful day Sunday, too.

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Don’t Forget How Much They Want Us to Fail

Sheila — Thu, 10 May 2012 13:28:43 +0000

We are a threat.

We, who believe that marriage is sacred, that sex is meant for marriage, and that sex is best in marriage, are a threat to just about everything our culture stands for.

When our marriages work, we show the culture how shallow it is. We shine a light on the fact that eveyrthing they’re chasing after and basing their lives on is essentially meaningless.

If married people stay together, continue to love each other even in the rough times, continue to be happier, healthier, and wealthier, and raise better kids, then maybe there really is something to that morality thing. And people don’t want there to be. They want morality to be a sham.

Yet what we know is that choosing to do what’s right isn’t constricting; it’s freeing. It means that you have more joy in life, and more fulfilling relationships.

So it is that our culture is dedicated to taking down those who are a risk.

Recently, a website (I’m not even going to mention which one, because I don’t want to send it traffic) announced a reward of $1,000,000 for anyone who could take Tim Tebow’s virginity (or prove that they had had sex with him). Writing in the Washington Post, Esther Fleece says:

Tim Tebow deserves…respect. He not only believes, but boldly lives by the belief, that sex outside the context of marriage forms permanent bonds and memories from temporary relationships, and is therefore neither long-lasting or truly satisfying to the soul.

Tell me, Mr. Biderman, where’s the $1-million-bounty-worthy crime in that?

I find that completely sick, but let’s not assume that we’re safe, just because we’re not celebrities.

The culture wants us to fail, and so we’re surrounded by movies, and erotica, and porn that will wreck our sex lives. Last week I talked about how Kindles can wreck marriages, and other marriage bloggers have chimed in, talking about the danger that erotica can pose to marriages. It’s everywhere today.

We’re surrounded by scantily clad women, and messages that we’re never good enough, so that we’ll be drawn to buy more and more stuff to make us feel beautiful, rather than just accepting our bodies and having fun with our husbands with them. How many women are robbed of pleasure because of negative body image?

We’re surrounded by the message “you just need to be happy”, as if happiness is god. And so when we’re not happy we start to question our choices and our relationships, because if we’re not “being true to ourselves”, then what’s the point?

Our culture is set up to hurt marriages, not help marriages. It is set up to encourage people to jump into bed. It is set up to encourage divorce.

And so what is the response? Listen to God. Talk to your mate. Keep him as your best friend, so communication is strong. As much as possible, get rid of negative media. Never be careless. And work to make things better! One of the recurring comments I get from my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is “I wish I hard read this earlier in my marriage; I would have saved myself so much heartache.” Don’t settle for mediocre. Fight for your marriage! And if someone else, or something else, is threatening to take you off the right path, fight back!

When you do, you strike a blow against our culture. When you fight for your marriage, you’re fighting for something bigger than yourself. It matters. You matter. And God never intends for you to have to fight alone!

Finding God After Pornography

Sheila — Wed, 09 May 2012 10:39:15 +0000

Today’s Wifey Wednesday is a guest post is by Jennifer from A Beggar’s Daughter, who is involved in a ministry to help women who have been addicted to porn. We often think that porn users are all men, but that’s not true. 30% of people who look at porn on the internet are female. And they’re hurting, too. Thanks, Jessica, for sharing your heart with us today!

We hear so often about women who find their husbands struggling with pornography. The sorrow is crippling, the uncertainty overwhelming. There are questions: “Why am I not enough?” “How could he do this?” “Does he still love me?”

But when a woman has locked horns in her own battle against lust, those questions become facts. I no longer question if I am enough; I am convinced I am not enough. I know no one could love me. I doubt I even love me.

I was exposed to pornography at the age of 13 and if it had come with a warning label that read: “Danger: Consumption will result in a lowered self-esteem and a lost love for life” I am fairly certain this story would have ended differently. Instead, pornography came wrapped in a shroud of lies about being beautiful, appreciated, accepted, and loved. It did not have a warning label, but it was still poison.

My years in pornography were the lowest of my life. Daily, I battled guilt and feeling like a hypocrite for saying I love Jesus and that I was ‘waiting for marriage’ when actual intercourse was probably the only thing I was not doing. I locked myself in my room at a Christian college and became pornography for men. I spent years feeling defective, convinced that I was a lost cause. I was convinced I was beyond God’s help, and beyond the reach of His grace. There was this overwhelming feeling that I had to be free first and prove I was worthy of His love.

It is interesting how those feelings we have toward God spill over in how we feel toward others. If God was incapable of loving me for me, flaws and all, then how could people love me? How could I ever have friends? How could I ever be married? Who would love this gross and disgusting person? They say beauty is on the inside, not the outside, but I did not feel beautiful outside or inside.

Even after I confessed and was discipled and walked down a path to freedom, I struggled with real life and relationships with people. I was having major issues with being single at 22, when my master plan had dictated I be married at 21. Life was just- empty. One night, I found myself face to face with an ugly thought that had been growing in my heart for years, “You don’t deserve love.”

I had never been face to face with that thought before. I behaved like I believed it; I just didn’t know I believed it. Realizing I felt that way about myself was crippling. Women want to be cherished. We want to be loved. It’s part of who we are, and here in the core of who I was, I believed I was unworthy of love. Sure, God died for me, and led me to a life of freedom from addiction, but could I really ask for more? Could I really have a life of joy, and fullness? Could I love and be loved?

The overwhelming answer was, of course, Yes! That’s the whole reason for Calvary, and the whole reason He came, but would you believe I still resisted? Sin had broken me so much that I was even afraid of getting close to God.

Lust is more than just a sin; it is an all out assault against who we are created to be as women. We are created to be cherished; lust teaches us to be used. We are created to be compassionate; lust teaches us to be aggressive. We are created to be a beautiful, almost mystical, with a heart that must be pursued. Lust turns beauty into sexiness and tells us to let it all hang out and that our hearts are really just a collection of our weakness. Lust brings with it a chain of lies, lies that we can hold on to even after we have conquered the sin of lust in our lives. Worst of all, though, lust drives us away from the arms of our Divine Lover.

Christ says He has come to set us free and that when He sets us free, we are free indeed. Free means free. But His promises get so much better. He tells us that He came to bring life, but not just any life, an abundant life- a life to the full and overflowing.

Like Eve, hiding away behind a tree and fig leaves in the Garden of Eden, we make feeble attempts to cover the darkness that rests in our hearts. While we may do a great job of lying to others, God sees right through our fig leaf aprons, but, like He did with Eve, He longs to clothe us. He wants us to draw near Him not so He can give us a good firm talking to and put us in spiritual time out until we get our lives together. He calls us to Himself so He can remove the tattered inadequate dignity we’ve scrounged up and replace it with love, value and freedom.

He does not promise that to the spiritual elite; He promises that as part of His character. He says, “This is why I came. This is who I am. This is what I do.” This is the God who is the same yesterday today and tomorrow. This is the God who praised the harlot who worshipped at His feet. This is the God who pardoned the adulteress sentenced to die. The God who dined with prostitutes. He loves you and longs for a relationship with you. That is who He is, and rest assured, no matter what you do, He is not going to change who He is.

Will you do me a favour and share this post on Facebook? Just click the share button below. We may not believe it, but many of our friends are secretly involved in porn, and this is a message they need to hear!

Jessica is a 26-year-old teacher living in Washington DC. In 2009 she created Beggar’s Daughter, an online ministry for women struggling with pornography and lust, after finding freedom from her own seven-year battle with pornography. Since then she has been blessed to be able to share her story and speak out about understanding true purity in a culture that mocks it. Her ministry has been featured by Covenant Eyes, Author Leslie Ludy and The Porn Effect, where she is a frequent guest writer.

It is her desire to bring hope and truth to women who are trapped in sexual sin. She also serves as a counselor and speaker for Rockville Crisis Pregnancy Center where she speaks about purity, abstinence, and abortion. In her spare time, she writes, cooks, and hikes. Her e-book Devotional “Love Done Right: A 40 Day Journey From Lust to Love” helps women overcome the bondage of porn.

Visit her website: http://www.beggarsdaughter.com

Now, do you have any advice for us today? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

Sex Shouldn’t Need Batteries

Sheila — Tue, 08 May 2012 12:42:05 +0000

I receive a lot of emails asking questions about sex in marriage, and one of the most frequent one I get is on whether or not it’s okay to use “novelty” items to spice up your marriage.

I dealt with this in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I had a hard time doing so. I gave my opinion, but I know that many Christians feel differently. If it’s two married people, no one else is involved, and you’re not using porn, what’s wrong with just having fun?

And there’s nothing wrong with having fun. Absolutely not.

Which is why I wouldn’t call such things sins. I think the Bible gives a lot of freedom to people who are married to explore sexually, and I think to draw a line about some issues and say, “this makes God mad”, when it really can’t be found in the Bible, isn’t helpful.

At the same time, while I wouldn’t call things sinful, I do think of 1 Corinthians 10:23, which says (New Living Translation):

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is beneficial.

A lot of life falls into this category. It’s not necessarily sinful; but is it beneficial?

So in order to answer that question, let’s step backwards a minute and ask: what is beneficial about sex? What are the unique aspects of sex which make it great, and what is sex really for?

1. Sex is Fun

Absolutely! Sex is supposed to make us feel great, and feel relaxed, and sleep better, and feel absolutely and totally alive.

2. Sex Enhances Intimacy

Sex is meant to help us “know” each other. It’s not meant to ONLY be fun. It’s also supposed to draw us together. We should feel united through sex, as if it’s something that we’re experiencing together, and expressing love through, and not only something which is making us feel great.

And it’s the latter part that I think is so important to our discussion. Sometimes couples really lose out on this because they’re focusing so much on the physical that it’s almost as if you’re experiencing two separate, parallel sexual encounters. You’re “using” the other person, not experiencing and giving pleasure with the other person. You’re not really thinking about the other person, but you’re fantasizing or thinking about other things during sex. And so sex is actually quite selfish.

I received an email yesterday, for instance, from a woman whose husband would rather watch her using a toy on herself than actually make love. She doesn’t know what to do. He’s a Christian, and what she really wants is intimacy. But he’s always coming up with new and weirder things that they can try, and he doesn’t seem to focus on how they can feel close to each other.

I received another email this week from a woman whose husband is about to be deployed for a year, and before they left he wants to buy her something to tide her over, if you get my drift. She’s uncomfortable with that, because she wants to keep sex a mutual experience, not a selfish one (which is what she sees this as). But when your husband really wants you to do something, what do you do?

Finally, I received a further one from a woman with a unique problem: they had gone together to purchase a toy because she only orgasmed very rarely during intercourse. They thought it could “train” her body what to do. But now she finds she can reach the pinnacle really easily with the toy, but never through intercourse. What was once sporadic is now completely gone. And she doesn’t know what to do, because her husband is having fun with it, but she’s worried that she’s further wrecked her sexual response.

I know some women want me just to come down hard on this and say, “don’t use them! Tell your husband they’re evil and stop!” But I don’t believe it’s that simple. And let’s face it: a lot of women really enjoy them, too! And is there really anything wrong if you just use them occasionally, and you can still totally enjoy intercourse with your husband?

Again, I’m not willing to say that you can’t. But I would just offer this warning: if you end up in a scenario like one of the three I mentioned, where it seems as if the toy is being used to replace intimacy, then you have a problem. And because toys often lead to this kind of thing, it’s likely best to think twice before you introduce them, even if you do already have a great and intimate sex life.

So what do you do if you feel as if the toy has become a hindrance, but your husband really wants to keep using it? I’m afraid I don’t have great answers, but I will say this: intimacy and friendship go hand in hand. When you are close friends, you can talk about these issues more, and you can often come to a compromise easier. You can express reservations, and you can make suggestions, when you can talk more easily.

Like most things in marriage, then, I’d suggest working on your friendship. Make sure that you can laugh together everyday. Make talking a natural thing you do together, either by taking walks after dinner, or taking up a hobby together, or cooking together, or anything. Just talk and laugh. And, if he’s a Christian, add prayer to that, too. The more you are spiritually intimate through prayer and Bible reading, the more God can work on both on you to bring you together.

And then, work at making your sex life as physically stupendous as possible doing the things that you are comfortable with. When you’re showing that you desire to make love, and that you look forward to it, then you give him a big boost.

Once you have these two things in place, it’s easier to talk about things that you’re not comfortable with. I wish I had an easier path to a good answer, but like most things in marriage, it can be hard work! So pray it through, and make intimacy your number one goal in the bedroom.

If you’ve ever been through something like this, where you were involved in something you wish you hadn’t started, or where your husband asks for something you don’t want to do, how did you resolve it? Or do you have something else to share? Let me know in the comments!

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Two Approaches to Parenting: The Soft Landing vs. the Aim for the Sky

Sheila — Sun, 06 May 2012 10:32:20 +0000

Do you expect your kids to fall, or do you expect them to climb?

Those really are the two expectations of parenting: the parents who think that their kids will fall, so it’s their job to provide the soft landing. And then there are parents who think their kids will climb, so it’s their job to provide the ropes and the harness. Both keep kids safe. But one aims at helping them climb; the other aims at assuming they’ll fall.

I’ve always been a climber type of gal. I expect that my kids will do the right thing. I thought all Christian parents did this, but I was speaking with a friend from church recently who said that her attitude towards the teen years is this:

Kids are going to make mistakes and explore. I would rather they do it now, while they’re still under our roof and we’re there to catch them when they fall, than that they wait until they move out and we’re not there to cushion the landing anymore.

I was a little flabbergasted, and I didn’t say very much. But why do we assume that kids will mess up? Sure teens have a lot of pressure, and a lot of issues, but so do adults. And teens have the Holy Spirit just as much as adults do, when they love the Lord. My attitude has always been: I expect you to do what God says is right. I know you’re not perfect, but I expect you to try to listen to God. I’ll love you no matter what, but I expect that we will all, as a family, try to live for Jesus.

Is that so weird?

Apparently it is. I was reading a story lately that epitomized this from Lifesite News, that featured a Planned Parenthood spokesperson saying that American families would be healthier if parents let kids have sex at home. She says:

Dr. Schalet, an assistant sociology professor at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, said American parents should be more like their counterparts in the Netherlands, who allow teenagers to have sex openly under their roof.

Schalet told local media she finds it unfortunate that America, girls believe “in their parents’ eyes they would be a disappointment if they were to engage in sex.”

“In the Netherlands if a girl is in a relationship, she’s not a slut for wanting sex, for making decisions about sex,” she said. Most parents deem teen sexuality a “part of your life that you are allowed to own and make choices about.”

Get that? Our lives would be better if we let kids have sex at home! That’s not all that different from the attitude I’ve also encountered from some parents at church who let their teens drink at home, and serve alcohol to other teens visiting, “so that they won’t drink outside the house”. They’d rather the kids drink where they’re safe. Why not just expect kids not to drink at all?

You’re setting the expectations: I expect you to make poor decisions. I expect you to mess up.

Am I being naive? I don’t think so. I didn’t drink. I didn’t have sex before I was married. In fact, 40% of Christians in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex didn’t have sex before they were married, either. I know that’s not a majority, but it’s a substantial minority. And I think the figures would be higher if parents expected more of their kids.

My children have always come to me when they mess up. We talk all the time–taking walks and talking and chatting at least an hour a day. I keep up with them. They know they can talk to me. But they also know that I expect them to do the right thing. And lo and behold, they do!

I don’t know why Christian parents would give in to defeatism and assume that their kids will choose the wrong path. When we assume that they’ll fall, they often do. If we give the message: we expect you to do the right thing, they often live up to that.

And here’s one of the scary parts that I’ve never understood about parents who let their kids have “sleepovers” at home or to want to get drunk. They now have nowhere safe. If even their parents think they’re going to have sex, how can they say no? Your home is supposed to be the one place in the world where you can still be a child and still be protected. But if your parents are saying, “you can have sex here”, then your parents aren’t protecting you. If your parents are saying, “you can get drunk here”, then your parents aren’t providing a safe environment for you to grow up in.

We owe it to our kids to expect the best, and to provide that safe environment. Jesus’ message was, “go and sin no more”. Did that mean that He wouldn’t forgive them if they messed up? Of course not. But it did mean that He expected them to choose well. And we should expect the same of our kids.

Kids live up to their expectations. I want to raise mountain climbers, not people who fall. What about you?

Reader Question of the Week: Help! My Husband Hates Kissing!

Sheila — Sat, 05 May 2012 11:10:54 +0000

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it.

Today I’d like to throw up a question that I got asked a lot during my 29 Days to Great Sex event, especially after the post on Pucker Up. One email went like this:

I find it hard to get in the mood, and I need some gentleness first, especially kissing. My husband hates kissing. He finds it messy. He doesn’t mind quick pecks, but that’s it. But I need to kiss to feel close to him. What should I do?

What do you think? Can you help her?