Standing up to Adult Bullies

I’m sorry my post is late today.

I’ve had a sleepless night, thinking and praying about something I’ve been involved in. And I’ve been wrestling with my motivations, and my commitment, but most of all my WHY?

Many years ago, when I was in high school, I knew a girl who was being abused. No one would believe it because her dad was an elder in the church. And I tried to help and I tried to counsel, but I was just a kid. And the abuse went on. And I felt like I had let her down.

In later years, I had kids in my extended sphere of influence that I knew were sad and dejected. And I tried to fix it. I had a neighbourhood girl who from age 6-12 practically lived at my house. I fed her most of her meals. I tried to teach her how to resolve conflict and act appropriately. I introduced her to Jesus. Most of all, I loved her.

But as she grew up she started to pull away, and I was desperate to keep her. What would happen to her without us? What if she went down the wrong road?

And then I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I was wearing myself out trying to be this girl’s mother, when her actual parents didn’t care. And no matter what I did I couldn’t make up for the lack of parenting in her life. I stopped and let her go. We still saw her every now and then, but I did all I could do.

For a while now I’ve had a similar motivation about another group of kids. I see how they’re being treated. I see how the parents don’t understand that what is being taught them theologically is wrong. I see how they’re getting a warped view of God, and I desperately want to fix it. I love these kids. I want them to know Jesus.

And so I have poured my heart and soul and much time that I really don’t have into loving these kids, even though doing so puts me in the same path of the bullies that hurt them.

Last night I was finally released. I let it go. I can’t fix things, as much as I want to. And I can’t keep opening myself up to adult bullies.

I feel sadness this morning, but a great weight off of my shoulders.

And I woke up thinking about this column I wrote two years ago. I liked it then; I thought I would rerun it now.


Adult Bullies: Do you know how to deal with them?Anti-bullying campaigns are all the rage in our schools today. What we often fail to remember, though, is that bullying behavior doesn’t stop the moment one dons a graduation cap.

Have you ever encountered an adult bully?

I’ve been in social situations when someone has said something so outrageous and mean-spirited that I was temporarily rendered mute, a state which drove me absolutely bonkers as I was lying in bed later that night thinking of all the things I should have said. They eluded me at the time because the situation seemed so bizarre.

I think that’s why adult bullies can be so effective: the behavior is just so out of the ordinary.

Sure, we may talk behind people’s backs (which is terrible, too), but in general we try to be polite to people’s faces. When someone violates that cardinal rule, we’re often so shocked that we say nothing. Perhaps it’s the residual British culture in us, but we’re not programmed to make scenes; we’re programmed to avoid scenes.

Bowling over people, then, becomes an awfully effective way at getting what they want. And adult bullies may genuinely not realize they’re pretentious jerks, although I think more likely they don’t care. They have such an inflated sense of their own self-worth that they keep at it.

We’ve been busy teaching children how to deal with bullies, but perhaps we need a refresher course for adults.

You’re being bullied if someone constantly demeans you or says snide remarks about you. You’re being bullied if someone is constantly yelling at you or criticizing you. You’re being bullied if someone deliberately isolates you in social or work situations. And you’re being bullied if someone is constantly making helpful “suggestions” and laying guilt trips if you don’t take them.

I often find that adult bullies tend to be older, especially in families. They think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives and demand things a certain way. And we tolerate it, because “that’s just Grandpa Joe.” Or we do our best to compensate, running interference if anyone opens their mouths and says something that may set him off. We spend our energy trying to placate or distract Grandpa Joe so nothing bad happens. What kind of family life is that?

Sometimes bullying, especially in families, is more covert.

If you call out an adult bully, they reply with incredulity, “I was just asking questions! I can’t believe you took it that way,” putting the blame back on you. And then you start to wonder if you’re the crazy one. Yet even if you turn yourself inside out to try to please the bully, you never will, because bullies thrive on the feeling of instilling fear. Meet one demand and they’ll come up with another.

Maybe it’s time our British, don’t rock the boat culture learned something from the Italians, who say everything. So let’s practice: “You are being inappropriate.” “I won’t sit here and listen if you talk to me like that.” “You are a guest in this home, Mom, so you should treat us with respect.” Or, better still, stand up for someone else. “Dad, you owe Jennifer an apology. You were completely out of line.” And if they start yelling or criticizing you, just repeat it. Then stand up and leave the room. There is no law requiring you to sit in a chair and be insulted.

If more of us just spoke up, bullies would lose their shock and awe power.

And it’s time the rest of us had some shock and awe on our side instead.


For all of you who are staying in jobs where the culture is killing you, but you don’t feel like you can leave because then who would protect the other employees or the clients–I understand. For all of you who are sticking it out with extended family, even though they are toxic, because if you leave, who will care for your nieces or nephews or siblings or grandkids–I understand. For all of you who are staying in toxic churches or toxic schools because what about the kids? I understand. I hear you.

And I know that what you need, more than anything else, is for other people to just speak up. For other people to support you and to say, “this is not right.” In most situations 90% of people will agree with you–but it’s the toxic 10% that are the ones who speak.

So let’s all speak. Let’s all call a spade a spade. Let’s end this, especially within the church, because it is wrong. Jesus would never yell at people, belittle people, or berate people. And it needs to stop.


I have been watching Natalie at Visionary Womanhood go through her year of standing up to adult bullies, and I’ve so appreciated her posts. Here are just a few on deprogramming from Christian lies–which include calling a spade a spade.


Now that I have more time on my hands, I’m going to celebrate these two! I have about 5 months left to plan the wedding. Here’s one of their engagement photos. So proud of you, Rebecca! And so love you, Connor!

Engagement Photo

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My Heart for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Sheila Wray Gregoire shares why she wrote Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and her heart for marriage

We’re in the middle of our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for February, where I gave people the choice of three books: Pulling Back the Shades (about 50 Shades of Grey), the Passion Principles, and The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex (by me!) I’ll be reviewing The Passion Principles next Thursday, but today I wanted to share my heart for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex.

February Books for The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge

It’s hard to sum up my book in one blog post because basically this whole blog–all 1600 or so posts–are reflected in the book.

So what can I say? When it was released I tried to break it down into 29 bite sized chunks, doing the 29 days to Great Sex leading up to its launch date. I’ve since turned that series into its own book.

But if you like this blog, and if you’re looking for practical information on how to make sex great, along with a framework to understand sex better, The Good Girl’s Guide is for you!

And so today, rather than try to write about what’s in it I thought I’d share my heart for it.

Last week I spoke in Texas five times giving my Girl Talk, where I talked about what God meant for sex and marriage. And sometimes it’s easier to get passionate when I’m speaking than when I’m blogging.

 

Sheila Gregoire Girl Talk

Here’s how I begin my talk: sex for me has not always been good. Often when you listen to a speaker talk about sex (or read a blogger speaking about sex) you assume that she’s got it all figured it out. It’s always been easy for her. She’s the “expert”.

But trust me–usually people write and speak about the things that they have found challenging in their lives.

It’s the things that they’ve struggled with which are interesting. The things where God has made them grow, step outside of their comfort zone, and test their own faith.

And that’s what it was like for me. As I share in my book, I entered marriage with a ton of baggage. I had trust issues because of important men in my life leaving me, and my now-husband originally breaking off my engagement. That made sex uncomfortable. But I also was given this book before I was married that was written by a man, that was given to pretty much every engaged couple back in the 80s and 90s. I won’t mention its title here, but suffice it to say, it made me a nervous wreck.

It was basically all about how to make sex great the first time out. And it was so explicit! Do this for five minutes, then this for ten. Rub here, rub there, stretch there. I almost felt violated reading it. And since I was reading it while lying in the bathtub (that’s where I did most of my reading back then), I took it and drowned it. I held it under the water until I was sure the book was dead, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.

Why was I so uncomfortable with that book? I’ve thought about that and wondered that a lot, and here’s what I came up with: That book made sex all about the physical. I’m sure that wasn’t the author’s intention, but that’s still what I took away from it. You had better do everything right or else it’s going to feel awful. And you’ll be a big failure.

It was a ton of pressure.

Then, when sex wasn’t great for me after I was married, I just felt like I had been sold a bill of goods. Here was this man writing a book about sex, and he made it seem so complicated. If men didn’t touch and rub here exactly like this for exactly this amount of time, she’ll never feel good. And the media was all saying that sex was great, but that sure wasn’t what I was experiencing. Why would God make sex so complicated? Why was it so difficult? And surely I wasn’t the only one finding it difficult, was I?

I also didn’t grow up with a great view of sex. Like most teens, I heard incessantly “don’t do it, don’t do it” from youth groups and youth conferences, so the sex-positive messages I got were from movies that treated sex like a recreational drug. Sex was almost pornographic to me. It wasn’t something beautiful; it was something HOT.

When I got married and I didn’t feel particularly “hot”, but only rather uncomfortable, I had no framework for what to do. Sex was either to be avoided (don’t do it!) or made into almost an orgy (the media). And now I was at a crossroads.

I chose the “don’t do it” route. It all just seemed like so much work. My husband wanted it all the time; it didn’t feel good; and we were always fighting over it. Here’s a tongue in cheek video we made about this attitude to make the point; perhaps you’ll recognize yourself in it!

I spent so long turning him off I didn’t ask if I wanted to be turned on.

And the turning point came when I realized that perhaps what I was believing about sex was wrong. Yes, my experience with sex wasn’t great; but that didn’t mean that sex couldn’t be great. I was judging sex based on my experience, rather than based on what I knew the truth to be. How did I find the truth? I slowly started to believe more about what God said about sex.

(I wrote an in-depth post about how to start thinking positively about sex here).

The missing piece for me was intimacy. I thought that intimacy was about friendship and talking, and not about making love. When I started to understand that being intimate together–being emotionally and spiritually vulnerable, opening up to one another–that THAT is the best aphrodisiac, sex started working much better, even if it still took a few years to make it work more like clockwork. And it’s that spiritual intimacy during sex that we don’t really get.

So I tried to write a book that would help women relax, help them calm down, help them laugh, and still point them in the direction of awesome sex. We don’t need the pornographic version. We don’t need to avoid it. We certainly shouldn’t lose hope. God created this to be great, and if it isn’t great right now, that’s okay. That’s why marriage is decades-long! You’ve got a while to get this right.

And you can make sex the most fun research project you’ll ever do!

I wrote The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex for everyone like me who ever wondered what they were missing. And I pray that it helps all new brides get started on a more solid footing, and more experienced wives enter into the awesomeness that God really intended for us!

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

Quick Marriage Advice from John and Stasi Eldredge

Have you joined my Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for 2015 yet? I hope you have! You just commit to reading one book a month that will enhance your marriage–and each month is a different topic, so it doesn’t get boring!

February Books for The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge

This month we’re looking at spicing things up, and tomorrow I’ll be sharing about The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex.

Love and War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage

But last month we looked at building the foundation, using a number of different books, including Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge. I gave you all the opportunity in January to write out some questions that you wanted our authors to give quick answers to, and John and Stasi obliged! Here they’re sharing some quick marriage advice:

1. What is the most important thing a wife can do to bless her husband?

“I believe in you.” Those are the magic words, expressed in a thousand ways. A man yearns to know that his life matters; he yearns to know that he has what it takes. He wants his opinions to matter. He wants his words to matter. So every way you can express to him, “I believe in you,” you are pouring blessing into his heart (and romance into the marriage). Certainly, say it to him: “Honey, I believe in you. You’re doing such a great job.” But also “say” it with your actions: ask his opinion on things (and respect it when he gives it). When he makes a decision, don’t undermine him by going and doing the opposite. “I believe in you” is the greatest gift a wife can give her man.

2. If we’re part of a bigger picture of what God is doing in the world, how do you live that out if your husband isn’t a believer?

Choose something to invest in that you know your husband will understand and respect. Perhaps it is tutoring underprivileged kids; perhaps it is volunteering at the hospital. If you invest all your “ministry” time into something that is utterly strange or bizarre to him (like worship gatherings, or prophetic meetings) he won’t “connect the dots” and see that God is relevant, God cares about the things he cares about. We aren’t not saying don’t pursue your spiritual life; please do. But he needs to see that christianity is not “pie in the sky” weirdness. You can show him by being excited about fighting for justice, or getting children out of the sex trade.

3. You spoke about how it’s not loving to ignore a spouse’s sin or brokenness. But how do you know when to stand your ground with your spouse and when to let it go?

You are friends with the most brilliant person in the universe–ask him! We’re serious. Ask Jesus for his counsel when to bring things up and when not to. This one decision has rescued our marriage a thousand times. You know how it goes–you want to bring something up (or stand your ground) but when you do it blows up. Jesus knows the better timing. Ask him–and be willing to wait when he tells you to wait, and to act when he says act!

4. On a practical note, how do you carve out time for you and your spouse if your kids are now teenagers and are up later than you are?

Actually we found the teenage years to be the season that began to open up time for us together, because the boys wanted to be with their friends far more than they wanted to stay home with mom and dad. When they were at home, and we weren’t doing something together as a family, we would sometimes go into our bedroom and close the door. You might have to be as direct as to say, “Mom and Dad need some time right now to talk through some things.” But the bedroom was always a safe bet because teenagers shudder at the thought of mom and dad “doing” anything intimate; they wouldn’t interrupt if the house was on fire!

Great marriage advice, John and Stasi! Thank you!

I wanted to share today another journey I’ve been on thanks to reading Love & War, and part of what stuck with me.

John and Stasi write that marriage is supposed to be a picture of both love and war–the love that God has for us, but also the great battle that He is waging to win the world.

And we’re to fight that battle alongside our spouse, for God and with God. That’s the grand adventure that marriage is! It’s not just staring into each other’s eyes; it’s actually feeling a purpose of being part of what God is doing to bring His kingdom on earth.

They write:

Our love is meant to be both a picture of his love and his fight…

Your marriage is part of a larger story, too, a story as romantic as any that has ever stirred your heart, and at least as dangerous…

Do you get how cool that is?

Together, you and your husband can be dangerous.

I want a marriage so great that we can be dangerous to the devil

I’ve been on an odyssey with prayer over the last month–something that I’ve never experienced before. I have heard other people talk about having a burden to pray, and starting to pray and then not being able to stop until the burden is lifted. But I’ve never experienced that,  until very recently about something in my family (don’t worry; we’re all fine. No one’s sick or in danger or anything).

I’ve had a weird relationship with prayer ever since my son was born and died. We prayed for him to be healed, and he wasn’t, though I was honestly okay with that. I knew that God had other purposes, and I can see how God is using Christopher’s story (I shared it even last week in Texas, and it touched many).

But since then I’ve been wracked with the question: does God really change what He is going to do if we pray? Is there really a point to prayer? If we hedge all our bets when we pray with “If it is your will…”, then is it really useful?

I’ve read a book by C.S. Lewis lately called Letters from Malcolm that has helped a lot, but ever since I’ve had this burden I’ve been praying hard–and amazing things are happening. It’s been so encouraging to see that God answers prayer in my personal life. I’ve seen it so much in my professional life, but not as much personally.

And all of this has committed me to three things:

1. We do have to battle in prayer.

There are times when God wants to act, but He asks for our prayers to do so. And I think we do need to pray for very specific things. I’ve found lately the more specific I am the easier it is to see prayers answered.

2. I am praying that God will make Keith and me dangerous in tandem.

So much of the last few years we have gone in different directions with work and ministry. It’s HARD. He’s been in one place and I’ve been in another. But over the next few years we’re re-evaluating and looking at how we can do things together. I’m excited!

3. As I pray for my girls’ relationships (now and in the future), I am praying that they will be part of the battle.

It is not enough to pray that they will find someone to love them and that they can love in return; I’m praying that they will marry someone with whom they can be DANGEROUS with together.

Yesterday and today I’m in Ottawa wedding dress shopping with my oldest daughter, and I am praying hard that God will make them both dangerous together.

And Katie, who is not currently in a relationship–I am praying that she will only be drawn to men who are seeking first after God’s heart. And I am praying that God will lead her to a man that she can fight this grand battle with together–not just that she will have a comfortable life. What’s the fun in that?

So that is what I have taken away from John and Stasi–I want to be dangerous! And I thank them both for answering our questions.

In the meantime, you may be interested in my daughter Katie’s first video in her series: “Katie, the Relationship Guru Who Has Never Been in a Relationship.” It’s pretty funny (and wise!) I know she’d appreciate it if you shared it:

Now–let me ask you for questions for this month’s featured author, Shannon Ethridge, whose book The Passion Principles I’ll review later in February. Have any specific marriage advice or questions you’d like her to answer? Leave it in the comments below!

Wall Decal $150 Giveaway with Evgie!

Under the Sea Wall Decal

Under the Sea Wall Decal

Want to make your house–and especially your kids’ rooms–super special?

Then today I’m got a special treat for you! I know many of you have little children at home, and I’ve got a chance for you to win $150 towards redoing your son’s or daughter’s room with these lovely wall decals! (And they’ve got living room wall decals, too!)

Evgie and Ev from Evgie.com are real women who are experts in digital illustration, interior design, and wall decal design. And they’ve created a whole collection of intricate wall decals that you can apply to your walls–and then remove easily–without messing up the paint. It’s easier–and even more beautiful–than wall art. And it’s easily removable, so your decoration can grow as your child does.

Today they are giving away a $150 coupon to one of YOU! Here’s what you need to do:

1) Go to Evgie.com and find your favorite products, or visit their etsy store.

2) Share ones you like on facebook or pinterest.

3) THEN, come back and leave a comment, saying which product you liked and shared!

4) You can do it all in the Rafflecopter below!

That’s all!

Panda Bear Wall Decals

Panda Bears!

20% Off all wall decals right now with the coupon 20OFF. Free shipping if your order is over $150. Every wall decal package has freebies!

Space Monkey Nursery Wall Decals

Space Monkey Wall Decals!

A few words About Evgie & Ev:

Evgie and Ev say:

Each of us liked drawing very much since childhood, so much so that it became our profession. With vinyl wall decals being the latest trend in home decor it was the perfect field to dive into. The warm response to our illustrations and design work eventually allowed us to set up a wall decal studio. Our constant personal engagement with the home and interior décor field led us to this venture.

Decals are easy to apply, easy to remove, easy to tailor to a specific wall or surface – we offer handmade large and small vinyl wall stickers with our designs and ideas for kids’ and grown-up’s rooms.

Teddy Bear Wall Decals

Teddy Bears

We start with an idea, a pencil and blank paper and then render our designs digitally for vinyl cutting. We view walls as backgrounds for living. We have started this decal studio in 2010 and pretty soon it became our full time job and engagement. It is a pleasure to get your feedback and one of the most enjoyable things is to see our decals on your wall or that of your toddler, in your nursery or living room. We also know that it is really fun to put our wall decals design on the wall, even if it take some time and a very little skill, this itself makes this product so attractive. If you decide to go with the whole wall decals theme you won’t regret it. It changes your walls, your space and places your little one in a world surrounded by a jungle or safari, forest or just friendly animals.”

And they don’t just have children’s wall decals or baby wall decals. They have lots more–including wall decals for grown ups, like this family tree wall decal for the living room. And I think this one is stunning!

Family Tree Living Room Wall Decal

Family Tree Wall Decal!

So click through to their website, tweet or pin one that you like, and then come back here and tell us about it! And one person will win $150 towards their order. I’ll do the draw Monday, February 23 at 11:59 p.m. (or thereabouts :) ).

And $150 can get you several ones, depending on what you buy. This one, for instance, is super cute, but it’s only $25:

Kiss Me Goodnight Wall Decal

Kiss Me Goodnight Decal–Only $25!

Remember, it’s 20% off with the code 20OFF. So go look, pin or Facebook one you love, and come back here and leave a comment telling me what you liked and where you shared it. Happy hunting!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

On Texas, Girl Talk, and Lots of Questions!

Sheila Gregoire's Girl Talk Event

I’m in Texas! Last night I gave my Girl Talk in Houston, launching a 5 day tour I’m taking through the Lone Star state, speaking in San Angelo, Seminole, Austin, and San Antonio. I’m here with my friend Tammy, and we are just loving how warm it is. Tammy lives in Quebec City and she left behind 6 feet of snow. I’m in southeastern Ontario and I left behind 2 feet of snow. Seventy degrees is seriously better!

I met a bunch of people from the blog yesterday, too. I guess I have a lot of readers in Texas, and many came out to say hi and take some pics. So much fun to actually connect in person to people who read me everyday!

And I met J. Parker from Hot, Holy and Humorous! J and I have been online buddies for years, and we’ve talked on the phone, but never actually met. She took us out for lunch and we caught up, and then she came to the event. Here we are holding each other’s books.

Texas2

I spend the first part of my talk discussing how God designed sex and why on earth He made men and women relate to sex so differently (believe me, there’s a reason). Then we have a break, and during the break people have the opportunity to leave anonymous questions. After the break I answer as many as I can in 15 minutes, and then talk about how to make sex great in three different ways–spiritually, physically and emotionally.

Texas3

It’s funny, because I can almost always predict what 6 of the questions will be. I usually always get them. And then at each venue there are always a few new ones, which makes it fun.

But every Monday I usually post a reader question and answer it, and I’m sorry that I don’t have time to do that today. But it occurred to me that you all may not realize that I do have a place where you can look up my answers to the most frequently asked problems. Almost all the emails that come in relate to questions that I have already answered on the blog–you just may not know where to find those answers.

So since I don’t have time to post today, I thought I’d point you all to the one central place that you can likely find answers to some of the things that are bugging you. Here it is–my Marriage FAQ.

Tons of Links to Articles Addressing Common Marriage Questions

If you’re in the Austin/San Antonio/Seminole area, I hope to see you this week! Just click on “Events” above to get taken to my schedule, or take a look on Facebook. And I know that next year I’ll be heading through Chicago, Louisiana, and Texas again, as well as booking other states. So if you’d like to be included in the tour, just email Tammy.

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge February: Spice Things Up

Join the Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge! Each month choose 1 book on the subject to read to boost your relationship! Get a chance to ask authors questions, read author interviews, and discuss the books, too!

It’s our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge in 2015–February edition!

Most of us want to grow, but life often gets in the way. And sometimes we just need new ideas and a fresh perspective to help us figure out how to do marriage better!

So this year I’m challenging you to read 12 books with me. Last month we looked at Setting the Right Foundation, and we focused on Gary Thomas’ A Lifelong Love. I did a giveaway for those books and picked the winners last night! I’ve notified them all by email, but you can see them on the giveaway at the bottom of this post).

I know some of you haven’t read a book in a long time, but remember: it’s just one book a month! And I am so impressed by how many of you joined me last month! Way to go!

Ultimate Reading Challenge February

 

Choose from these 3 books on Spicing Things Up!

Why three books? Well, if I just pick one you may have already read it! And we all have slightly different issues in our marriages, so I want to suggest a variety of books that can help.

31 Days to Great SexSince it’s Valentine’s Day month, I thought it was a good time to focus on sex. So all of our books this month will help you in the bedroom. I didn’t include my book 31 Days to Great Sex because it’s not exactly a book to READ; it’s more a book to DO with your husband. But it does make a great Valentine’s Day gift (either in paperback or for your e-reader), and you can read more about it and other possible sexy Valentine’s Day gifts here!

Now on to the books I have chosen. Usually I just review one book, but this month I’ll be talking about several of these, since sex is, of course, one of the main subjects on this blog! But the main two that we’ll be dealing with are The Passion Principles and The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex. I’ve written before about Pulling Back the Shades, and you can read my review here.

February Books for The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge

Good Girls Guide My SiteThe Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Here’s my signature book, probably the one I’m most proud of! I know many of my regular readers have already read it, but if you’ve been reading this blog for a long time and you’ve never read it, here’s your chance. Honestly, I say so much more in the book than is just on the blog, and share a lot of personal stories. And it’s all in one place!

Who should choose this book? Anyone who likes the blog! And anyone who wants sex to be amazing and is wondering how to really experience intimacy on each of the three levels while making love: physical, spiritual, and emotional.

Get it here.


The Passion Principles: Celebrating Sexual Freedom in MarriageThe Passion Principles: Celebrating Sexual Freedom in Marriage by Shannon Ethridge

Does the word “passion” sound wonderful–but you can’t really figure out how to live it out? You’ve always got so many things going through your head, so many things you “should” do, that it’s hard to give yourself over in the moment to your husband.

Shannon looks at how God created us to be passionate, and how that’s lived out specifically in marriage.

Who should choose this book? Anyone who wants to understand how to live a fuller life, especially sexually.

Get it here.


 Pulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy, and the Longings of a Woman's HeartPulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy and the Longings of a Woman’s Heart  by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery

With 50 Shades of Grey hitting the movie theatres this Valentine’s Day, I thought it was fitting to include a great response to this phenomenon that’s not judgmental, but helps us understand the allure and then fight against it to discover godly sexuality.

Who should choose this book? Anyone who is struggling with 50 Shades of Grey or a temptation towards reading erotica.

Get it here.


Every Thursday on my Facebook Page from now on I’ll try to have an “Author” Day, where an author from our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge answers your questions. I’ve already sent your questions from last month off to Gary Thomas, John and Lisa Bevere, and John and Stasi Eldredge, so look for their answers up on Facebook soon.

And I’ll be having a “Shannon Ethridge” day, too. So leave your questions in the comments now for Shannon, and leave any for me while you’re at it, and I’ll pick four for each of us to answer.

Thanks so much, everybody, and happy reading!

A LifeLong Love with Giveaway

The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for January: Setting the Right Foundation. Click through to see the books and choose one!

This year on the blog I challenged everybody to read one book a month–that’s 12 books over the year–to boost your marriage. Every month we have a different topic (next month is sex! :) ), and hopefully it will help you all to get a new perspective on how to grow your relationship. (Check out all of the subjects for each month here!)

For January I gave you all a choice of three books–A Lifelong Love by Gary Thomas, The Story of Marriage by John and Lisa Bevere, and Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge. I’m so thrilled so many of you took me up on the challenge, and today I want to share some of the gems I learned from A Lifelong Love–and then leave you with a giveaway!

And bonus–I just realized that Gary’s publisher put the ereader version of A Lifelong Love on sale this week! That wasn’t even planned. So you can pick it up on Kindle or Nook, etc., for only $3.82!

A Lifelong Love--January's book choice

Gary Thomas always takes you to the feet of Jesus. When I read his book The Sacred Search, about finding a mate, the thing that stuck with me the most is that in looking for a spouse, as in everything else in life, Matthew 6:33 must be our guiding verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and then all these things shall be added to you.

In A Lifelong Love Gary shows how to live this out once we’re married.

I write about marriage all the time, but sometimes I reread what I’ve said and I worry that it’s missing something. It’s not that I don’t agree with what I’ve written; it’s just that it’s all so practical. I’m usually talking to people about how to solve specific problems; and so I give them specific steps. But Gary reminds me, and us, that in everything, it’s all about what we’re doing for God. It’s all about our attitude about Jesus. And our marriages are about far more than our feelings.

Ironically, when we realize that, we can find true marital bliss.

Gary’s book takes you to the feet of Jesus. It’s divided into three parts: The Magnificent Obsession (remembering that the mission of our marriage, just like everything else, is pleasing God; Growing Together, or how to overcome significant hardships in your marriage; and The Journey Toward Love, or how to live out a real oneness with your husband.

I felt this book would be perfect for our January entry of Setting the Foundation, because if we get this “magnificent obsession” right from the beginning of the year–that God needs to be the centre of our focus, our aim, and our worship–then the rest of marriage will fall much more easily into place.

If I could sum up what Gary says, it would be this:

A good marriage is something you make, not something you just find!

“A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make.” (click to tweet)

I can’t sum up the entire book, but what I would like to do is give you three snapshots, one from every section, that meant a lot to me. And I’ll be adding other thoughts on my Facebook Page to give you fodder to think throughout the weekend, so do stay tuned there!

God desperately cares about how you treat his son

The night before Gary married his wife Lisa, Lisa’s dad broke down in tears and said to him, “I don’t have to worry about Lisa. She’s found a guy who will take care of her. She’s going to be okay.”

And he was so relieved.

Now that I have a daughter getting married I totally get it. You pray so hard for your kids to find someone who will cherish them, and treat them well, and serve God with them. And when they find that person, you relax so much!

And one day Gary realized that just as Lisa’s earthly dad was so concerned about her happiness and well-being in marriage, so her heavenly father was, too. God wasn’t just Gary’s father; God was also Gary’s Father-in-Law. And how he treated God’s daughter desperately mattered to God.

So Gary turns that question back on us: what if one of the singular best services that you can give to God in this life is to love your husband? Even if he isn’t always loving back. Even if he’s difficult. Even if he doesn’t understand your love language, doesn’t get your personality, doesn’t love sharing his heart.

Gary tells the story of one mom of five who is exhausted and complaining about her husband–and feeling so distant that they rarely make love. She has reason to feel ticked off. But he asks her, “how would you feel if one day your son grew up and married a woman who treated him just like you are treating your husband?” The question floored her.

So let me ask you who are moms that same question: how would you feel if your son grew up and married a woman who treated him the same way you treat your husband right now?

That question has made me refocus my evenings with my husband. I want to make sure that when he gets home from work and we have some time to spend together that he knows I’m glad he’s home. That he knows I waited for him all day. That he knows there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

Gary talks about how loving like this IS hard–but it’s what draws us into God’s arms and what grows our own spiritual dependence. And God does notice your acts of love, even if your husband doesn’t. And there will be a reward for those acts, even if you don’t see them on this side of heaven.

Be careful of power imbalances in marriage

In the second section of the book Gary gets practical about the really difficult seasons in marriage–what it’s like to be in a lonely marriage, and how to overcome that.

I appreciated his emphasis on the idea that marriage IS a battle–but it shouldn’t be a battle we fight against each other. It should be a battle we fight WITH each other. Together we form a team that God uses to transform the world. When we see that–that we are part of this epic struggle and epic story that God is waging and writing, then marriage has a deeper purpose. Indeed, that idea that there is a bigger story behind our marriage than just whether we feel loved is the key theme in all three of the books I chose for this month. Think of you and your husband on the same team, fighting for God to transform this world, rather than on opposing teams bashing each other.

In fact, this idea–that we should be on the same side engaged in the fight together, can truly transform marriages because it gives you a sense of purpose.

lack of purpose

Nevertheless, sometimes we do feel on opposing teams, and Gary outlines how this often manifests in power imbalances. These occur when one spouse appears to care more for and is fighting more for the marriage than the other.

Here’s an example: when dating, the guy woos you and dates you and is romantic, but once you’re married all he wants is sex. The romance seems to end. And she feels lonely.

Or when the baby comes, she becomes all tied up in being a mom, and the husband feels left out.

Here’s the danger of power struggles that women need to understand. Gary writes: “One thing I’ve learned about men: if we don’t think we can win, we usually won’t even compete; we just start focusing elsewhere.”

And so you drift. And the biggest sign that power imbalances are causing one or both of you to check out of the marriage? your social circles become distinct and separate. You start confiding in and hanging out with people your spouse doesn’t even really know.

Fight against the drift. Remember that marriage must be something intentional, so that when we feel ourselves drifting, or when we notice our spouse starting to check out, we don’t just get mad. We do something to rebuild intimacy.

Gary says, “When couples say “I do” on their wedding days, I wish they’d add, “and I will, every day of our lives.” “

Love isn’t a feeling. It’s something that you are intentional about. It’s not about being “in love”–it’s about practising love.

How can I bless you?–not How can I get my needs met?

Here’s where the rubber hits the road, where the real heart attitude shows itself. In your interactions with your husband, what is your motivation? Is it to get your needs met? Or is to bless him? Gary urges us to keep our eyes on how we can love. What if the greatest lesson you can have on this earth is not how to find love but how to love? When we learn to love, we become more Christlike. We’re transformed into the likeness of God’s son (Romans 8:29). We grow.

And so when you are at a standstill in your marriage, ask yourself, “what can I do to bless my husband?” And start doing! When we act love we feel love. I know you’ve heard this all the time, but it is real. Why is it that you feel so attached to your kids (those of you who are moms). Have you ever read a story about a horribly neglectful mother and said to yourself, “How could anyone do that to their child?” But it isn’t that hard if you haven’t acted love. When you get out of bed in the middle of the night repeatedly to soothe a child; when you give up your own time to spend with a child; when you spend hours on homework and wiping dirty noses, you are so invested that you feel those loving feelings.

When you don’t invest time and energy, the feelings aren’t there.

So how do you bless your husband?

I really appreciated one example Gary gave that is something I say repeatedly here, too. Blessing your husband means you care about his ultimate good–not just about his feelings. So he gives the example of a woman who throws away her husband’s stash of porn against his wishes. A woman who wants to bless her husband will not allow him to do something that will harm their intimacy and his relationship with God. He won’t enable sin.

But it’s our attitude her that matters. When you confront your husband, are you doing so because you want your own needs met? Or are you honestly looking after his own interests? The result may be the same, but the heart attitude dictates how the whole interaction feels. And the heart attitude is what brings God into the picture.

A Lifelong Love: What If Marriage Is about More Than Just Staying Together?I appreciate Gary Thomas so much, and I know this book will help you see your husband and your marriage in a whole new way, pointing you to Jesus. A Lifelong Love is only $3.82 on Kindle right now–a huge sale! So pick it up today.

I’ll be announcing February’s books next week, but just a heads up: they’re about sex! And we’re going to have fun! :)

But today I want to leave you with a giveaway, featuring many of the books that I’ve talked about this month on the blog. You can win one of 9 prizes of:

One prize of: A Lifelong Love, The Story of Marriage, Love and War, and Choosing Him All Over Again
Two prizes of: A Lifelong Love
Two prizes of: The Story of Marriage
Two prizes of: Love and War
Two prizes of: Choosing Him All Over Again

January Prizes in the Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge of 2015!

Just enter the Rafflecopter below to win! Remember: you get 5 entries if you leave a blog post comment with a question you’d like Gary to answer! I’ll send the top 5 questions his way and ask him to respond on Facebook!

I’ll draw the winners next Wednesday night at midnight EST, and then announce them on Thursday when we do our next marriage challenge post.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Some other bloggers have taken up the challenge to read and review some of my picks as well!

Check out Mom’s Morning Coffee with her look at Setting the Right Foundation, too.

(If you’re a blogger who has also reviewed some of these books, leave a link in the comments. If I get enough of you, I’ll start a Linky next month!)

10 Projects You Can Do This Weekend with the Ultimate DIY Bundle!

Ten years ago I used to have a little soapmaking business. I ran out of time to pursue it, and all of those materials sat in my storage room. But a few months ago I decided I was going to start making some things again! And lately I’ve made some lip balms, started learning about aromatherapy (it can do major things in the bedroom!), and creating new lotions to attack problem areas.

And it takes just minutes.

And it’s fun! I love crafts. I’ve been a knitter my whole life, and there is just something about creating that makes us feel more productive, more purposeful, even more in line with God. God, after all, is creative, and when we can tap into our own creativity, I think we touch an important part of ourselves that is often dormant.

And so I’m excited to share with you today about the The Ultimate DIY Bundle– a collection of carefully curated DIY and crafting eBooks and eCourses from the world’s leading authors and bloggers in the industry.

For the crazy low price of just $34.95, you get access to a carefully curated library of over 76 eBooks and eCourses. And let me reassure you that this really is great value: the Ultimate Bundles team (who produced the resource) has spent MONTHS seeking out the most respected experts in the industry and asking them to contribute their premium-quality eBooks and eCourses. These really are the best of the best when it comes to DIY and crafting advice and information.

Topics in the bundle include:

  • Home decor
  • Furniture painting
  • Photography
  • Chalk pastels
  • Handmade gifts
  • Homemade skincare products
  • Cake decorating
  • Photography and photo-editing
  • Paint colors and interior design
  • …and a whole lot more (76 eBooks and eCourses in total) – to help you be inspired or get started with your next DIY or crafting project!

There’s no need to worry about information overload though: The Ultimate DIY Bundle comes with a complete guide to getting started, so that you can know exactly which resource to use for your specific crafting or DIY project and jump straight into it with confidence!

Hurry though! The Ultimate DIY Bundle will only be on sale for 6 days – from 8am EST on Wednesday, January 21 until 11.59pm EST on Monday, January 26.

But when you buy it, you get access to the books right away. And you can start crafting today! I’ve been having such fun looking through the books, and I wanted to share with you TEN ideas that you can do this weekend to get yourself feeling more creative and productive!

1. Lime Coconut Body Scrub

Lime Coconut Body ScrubIt’s just epsom salts, Vitamin E, some essential oils–and some actual lime and coconut! If you don’t have any essential oils on hand, you can often buy them in a health food store, or get them on Amazon. I use them all the time now (and I’ll be posting soon about 10 ways to use essential oils in the bedroom!)

It’s from Kimberly Layton’s Homemade Gifts for Every Occasion, part of the Crafts collection of the Ultimate Bundle:

2. Make Gift Bags Out of Old Clothes

I love using gift bags for hostess gifts, birthday gifts, thank you gifts–even gifts when I speak! And the book Reuse, Refresh, Repurpose (also in the Crafts section, above), has some great ideas on how to make purses, bags, and gift bags out of old clothes! Your kids will love doing this with you, too. It’s simple–you could make a dozen in a day.

Gift Bags

3. Spray Paint Old Knick Knacks White

I loved this idea from 21 Inspiring Thrift Store Transformations! Take ugly knick knacks, like old trophies, animal figurines, or pitchers, and spray paint them white. She explains how, and all of a sudden they’re useable again!

Paint White

She also lists the 10 most important things to watch for at a thrift store–the things you can use easily. It’s awesome, and it’s part of the Home Decor section.

4. Choose New Paint Colors

Need a pick-me-up for your house? How to Choose Paint Colors (in Home Decor, above) helps you choose your style, understand color theory, and see how all elements work together! Read it today, pick out the paint tonight, and go to it!

paint colors

5. Figure out How to Use Those Camera Settings

Have a great camera, but don’t know how to use it? Say No to Auto is a simple book that explains what terms like ISO, exposure, and shutter speed mean, and how you can manipulate them to take great photos–no matter the conditions! It doesn’t take long to learn, and then you can spend the weekend practising.

Say no to auto

It’s part of the photography section.

6. Get Ready for Mother’s Day!

I love this Mother’s Day Pillbox–it’s part of a book of printables for gifts for every season of the year. And you can put 7 Mom Quotes in the pillbox, too, to show her much you love her! I think making these with the kids for Grandma would be a riot, too.

Mom Pillbox

It’s part of the Crafts section, above.

7. Use Your Scrapbooking Stash

The bundle also comes with a bunch of e-courses, and one of them helps you take all your scrapbooking extras–and figure out how to use them up! Love it.

Use Your Stash

Here’s just one of the amazing ecourses offered!

 8. Scan Your Old Photos–and Use Them!

You can even scan your kids’ artwork (you can only put so much on the fridge), their first writing projects, and more! This ecourse also teaches you how to organize your digital files so you can find things easily when you need them (like, for instance, when you have to start preparing a slide show for your daughter’s wedding. :) Tee hee. My daughter just got engaged!)

Scan Photos

It’s part of the e-course section, above.

9. Make Your Own Household Cleaners

I made up a batch of laundry soap last night using the recipes from this bundle! And it’s so easy (and cheap). Most of the ingredients you likely have on hand right now.

cleaners

The book Clean & Simple is part of the Home and Garden Section.

 

10. Learn to Knit Socks

I couldn’t leave knitting off my list of 10, since I love it so much! With this bundle you also get a ton of free bonuses, including a Craftsy video course of your choice. And I’d recommend Lucy Neatby’s course on knitting socks. I’ve knit about 30 pairs of socks, at least, in my life, and I just love them! You can keep them in your purse because they’re a small enough project, so you’ve always got something on the go!

knit socks

So there you go! 10 Reasons to Get the Ultimate DIY Bundle.

There are crafts for everyone, and you’re sure to find something that you’ll love.

You can buy with complete confidence because you’re covered by the Ultimate Bundles 30-day money-back guarantee. That means you have a full 30 days to enjoy all the eBooks and eCourses in the bundle, and if you don’t think they provided enough value, you’ll get a full refund.

Not only that, but The Ultimate DIY Bundle comes with 5 awesome bonuses, worth over $150. That’s 4x the price of the bundle alone! These include…

A free $15 Store Credit PLUS 8×10 Art Print from Hope Ink ($43 Value), a free online class from Craftsy (up to $60 Value), free $15 store credit to Fawnsberg.com, a free sewing pattern PLUS a Premium Video Class from UpCraft Club ($19.99 Value), and free, full digital copies of Where Women Create Magazine and Greencraft Magazine ($20 value) from Stampington and Co.

So, don’t miss your chance to grab The Ultimate DIY Bundle, and get 76 incredible eBooks and eCourses for just $34.95. All you need to do is take action by midnight on Monday, January 26!

This amazing deal ends in just…

motionmailapp.com

Pick up your copy right now, before it’s too late. Or, learn more here.

Have a fun and crafty weekend!

 

 

Disclosure: I have included affiliate links in this post. Read the fine print about this bundle and read the answers to frequently asked questions about the bundle.

 

Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge of 2015

Join the Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge! Each month choose 1 book on the subject to read to boost your relationship! Get a chance to ask authors questions, read author interviews, and discuss the books, too!

Do you want 2015 to be an awesome year for your marriage, or do you want to just get by? Do you want to grow and be stretched this year, or do you want to run from one thing to the next without being proactive?

Most of us want to grow, but life often gets in the way. And sometimes we just need new ideas and a fresh perspective to help us figure out how to do marriage better!

So I’d like to challenge you to read 12 books with me this year. Just 12 books. And two are even novels–so it honestly won’t be that hard!

I know some of you haven’t read a book in a long time, and some of you are wondering how you’ll ever find the time when you have little kids. But in a month you really can get through a book.

  • Put it in your purse to read when you’re in line.
  • Keep it in the bathroom to snatch precious moments!
  • Grab some time on your lunch hour.
  • Read for 10 minutes before you turn it at night.
  • Read on the treadmill!

It’s just one book a month!

Here’s how it works: in this Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge, I’ve given each month its own topic. And then I’ll suggest 3-5 books each month for you to choose from (since not every book is applicable to everybody!). I’ll choose one particular book to talk about on the blog, but I’ll have interviews with authors of hopefully most of them up on Facebook, I’ll have discussion forums for each book on Facebook, and we’ll have giveaways and prizes!

What do you have to do to join? Just choose a book and read it! You’ll get the most out of it if you also join my Facebook Page, since that’s where the authors will periodically be hanging out to answer questions and give away prizes. But you don’t have to pay to join. You don’t have to sign up. You don’t have to prove you’ve read it. You just have to get a book and jump in!

The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge:

  • Interviews with Authors
  • Discussion Forums
  • Book Giveaways
  • Blog Tours
  • Ask your own questions to the authors
  • And more!

So let’s get started!

The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for January: Setting the Right Foundation. Click through to see the books and choose one!

Choose from these 3 books on Setting the Right Foundation for Marriage:

A Lifelong Love: What If Marriage Is about More Than Just Staying Together?Gary Thomas, A Lifelong Love: What if Marriage is about more than just staying together?
(this is the book I’ll be reviewing!)

Few authors do a better job of showing how marriage and God’s purposes for our lives go hand in hand. In his newest book, Gary Thomas offers practical insights on how to keep your marriage not just intact but thriving as you grow closer to each other–and spur each other on to a closer relationship with God. Great insights, lots of great stories, and I’m so looking forward to sharing this with you!

Choose this book if: you’re looking for something deep but relatively easy to follow that will make you think–and give you practical ideas for follow through!

Pick up Livelong Love here.

Join the Lifelong Love Facebook Discussion Forum!


The Story of MarriageJohn and Lisa Bevere, The Story of Marriage

This is an interactive book–not just a teaching book. As the Beveres show you God’s story of marriage, you’re invited to figure out your own story in the devotionals, discussion questions, and prayers.

Choose this book if: you’re working through this challenge as a couple, or you like guided exercises to think about what you’ve learned.

Pick up The Story of Marriage.

Join the Story of Marriage Discussion Forum.


Love and War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your MarriageJohn and Stasi Eldredge, Love and War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage

John and Stasi are poetic. Their books are rich and are lovely and make you think deeply. In this book, they explain how the fact that we’re often incompatible is actually God’s design: how we’re forced to be more Christlike in marriage, and that helps us to grow. And then they help us to see the bigger picture: how marriage is one of God’s designs to help us enter the bigger battle He’s waging on earth–and how we can get excited about our ability to fight in it! It’s an exciting book that will help you feel proud of your marriage, and excited about the adventure God has for you together.

Choose this book if you like deep books, love to think, and love more poetic works.

Pick up Love and War.

Join the Love and War Discussion Forum.


Just pick a book, start reading, and keep an eye on the Facebook Page and on this blog for more updates, events, and giveaways! And be sure to click through to the correct discussion forum for the book you’ve picked and go on over and “like” the forum (even if that’s all you’re going to do for now!), because then you’ll get notifications whenever a discussion starts!

And if you blog, I’ll also have a linky at the end of my review post for the month where you can post your own reviews of the book (or books) that you’ve read to get more traffic!

One book a month. You can do this! And it will make a difference in your marriage!

On Mexico, the Young Adult Years, Marrying in College, And More Random Thoughts!

At 1:30 this morning we pulled into our driveway.

Our flight was 7 hours late, we had to wait an hour for our luggage, and we were tired and exhausted.

But it was all worth it because the four of us had a glorious week in Cozumel! And now we’re home and it’s freezing.

But it’s likely one of the last trips that just the four of us will take together (more on that later), so it was extra special to me. We went snorkelling, explored a little, but mostly we sat at the beach and read books and then played cards together at night. It was so much fun–and so relaxing!

FamilyBeach

Just two nights ago we looked like that. Now I’m all bundled up and sipping my tea again. But all is good, because the relaxation totally paid off. I didn’t tell you I was away–it’s like throwing a big neon sign up in front of our house saying, “No one’s home! Come on in and rob it!” So I don’t tend to announce these things until AFTER I’m home.

And so today I thought I’d share just some random thoughts I had with you while I was away, before regular blogging resumes tomorrow.

Sometimes we all really need to relax

I’ve been having some health issues this year, especially with attacks of pancreatitis that they originally thought were gallbladder. I’ve been eating super healthy and avoiding a ton of foods, but when we were down south I did throw caution to the wind a bit. And for the first time in a long time I didn’t even have a twinge of pain in a whole week. Considering the pain has been keeping me up, this is a big deal.

So I’m starting to wonder if stress is also a factor, and if we all just need some downtime every now and then. I deliberately stayed off the internet, which was so needed, but I’m more and more convinced that I need to take some “down” weeks in my life.

I know that’s hard for those of you with little kids, but lately I’ve just been realizing that stress can play a number on your body, and sometimes the best favour you can give your family is to relax for a while. You don’t have to go on vacation–just unplug the phone, turn off the internet, arrange for a baby-sitter, and take even a day to yourself.

Often the weak contribute to horrible to outcomes as much–or more so–than the truly evil

I read a ton of novels this week. I only let myself do that on vacation because if I read a novel, I can’t do anything until I finish it. So if I start a novel on a normal day, I won’t get anything else done–no work, no cooking, no anything–until it’s finished. I try to read novels in spurts, then.

And in all the novels I read this week, a theme emerged. While there is often one or two truly evil people in every story, it is not always these evil people that actually cause the harm. They aim for it, but their plans have no wings until they come across weak people–people who aren’t evil, but who won’t stand up to evil. And so it is the weak that actually perpetuate the harm.

Sometimes the weak are morally weak–people that are at heart good, but are tempted and fall and get pulled into bad situations. But often it’s people who are just afraid to speak up, take a stand, and draw a line in the sand.

I was thinking about this theme this morning when I checked all the comments on my blog in the last week. And over and over again I read of women whose husbands won’t get a job, or watch porn, or meet up with women on the internet, or whatever it may be. And these women have cried and pleaded and asked their husbands to stop–sometimes for upwards of 30 years–and nothing has ever changed. Things have only gotten worse.

I always point these women to this article: Are you a spouse or an enabler? I think it’s an important one.

It is strange watching your children grow up and separate from you

It’s a good thing–but it’s hard. And it’s very easy for one’s feelings to be hurt. It’s a hard balance to let your children grow up and make their own lives, but also wanting them to honor you. I am working through that, and it’s easy because my girls are wonderful. But there are still times my heartstrings pull a bit. I’ll likely write more about this transition in the next few years!

The young adult years are just plain hard

Had a lot of great talks with my kids this week, and it reminded me how hard those years of 18-25 can be. When you don’t know what you’ll be doing, or who you’ll be doing it with, the future is both exciting but also so scary. For me, it was the fear that I wouldn’t get married, and I had to work that through with God. But there is a unique fear to those years, and a unique opportunity to learn to trust God and to put Him first.

Talked a lot with my girls about the theme of this post, should you have a relationship (or marry) while you’re still in college? Interesting discussions. Wish I could make life easier for them now, but I think those years of hardship are what really refine our faith.

Our family patterns are engrained–but need to be tamed

I was reading this morning in Genesis 10 about a guy named Nimrod. It says in verse 10:

Cush was the father of Nimrod, who became a mighty warrior on the earth. 9 He was a mighty hunter before the Lord; that is why it is said, “Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the Lord.”

Nimrod is a family name if you go back a few generations for me, and though I’ve never liked the name, I’ve always found that verse interesting. We’re naturally fighters. I don’t know if that’s how my family got the name, but somehow, if you look at me, and at those who came before me in that line, it fits. (It’s that ENTJ Myers Briggs thing).

It’s good to be a fighter, to stand up for things, to bring victory for truth. But this push for victory, for all things right, can also be a curse.

That’s what I found in myself this week. I get so annoyed with bad customer service, or with injustice, or with just plain negligence, especially when it’s easily fixed. At the resort we were at they blared music until 2:30 in the morning on New Year’s Eve, but when I went outside at 1:00 there were only about 15 people at the party. I called and complained and asked them to turn the speakers down, but they wouldn’t. I just wanted to sleep. Others were absolutely exhausted the next day, too (lots of families with young kids didn’t sleep a wink). And my blood pressure rose tremendously.

Then there was the fiasco with our delayed flight, which isn’t such a big deal, except that no one would give us information, and my family missed out on the food vouchers because we didn’t hear the announcement.

A little thing, but I get so annoyed. And then I wreck the day for those who are with me.

So yesterday, when I felt myself starting to get upset, I asked Keith to take over standing in line for the food and I just went somewhere else and was quiet and asked God to let me let things go.

Families have traits; my family fights for what’s right. But that makes living through inconveniences that are STUPID (and man-made) a source of great distress. And it’s silly. I think we all need to be aware of what our weaknesses are, and when we see them cropping up, excuse yourself from the situation and get some perspective.

We never take couple pictures

Last thing–Keith and I never take couple pictures. We take kid pictures, or family pictures, but never couple pictures. I think it’s because we’re so focused on the kids, but then where are the pictures showing our marriage? So we snapped a few on the beach last night. And I was happy.

KeithSheiladock

KeithSheilaBeach

Excited to begin the blog again with you in 2015! What have you learned about yourself on vacation? Or any words of wisdom for the young adult years? Leave them for me in the comments!