Top 10 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter

Top 10 Things I Would Say About Sex--if I had no filter! Here's brutal honesty...

I write about sex a lot on this marriage blog, trying to say things that are helpful and uplifting to encourage you to have a great sex life with your husband!

But every now and then there are things that I just want to get off my chest. And when J from Hot, Holy and Humorous wrote the post “8 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter“, and issued the challenge for others of us to write a similar one, I knew I had to accept!

Top TenSo here we go for Top 10 Tuesday:

1. Why in the world weren’t we created with a “sexual memory”?

I know what it’s like to eat double chocolate Oreo cheesecake. And it really doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or how full I am, if you offered me some double chocolate Oreo cheesecake, I would take it in an instant. That stuff’s awesome!

But you know what’s better? Great sex. And yet somehow I seem to forget that–and it doesn’t always seem worth the effort.Why can’t I have a cheesecake memory about sex? It would make life so much easier!

2. Sometimes we just want to give you a gift. Take the gift.

But I don’t have that cheesecake memory, and sometimes I just know that I’m not going to be able to concentrate enough to really enjoy myself tonight. After all, if a woman can’t concentrate solely on sex, then her body won’t kick in, because our sex drives are primarily in our heads. Some nights there is just too much rattling around in my brain for me to have a really good time.

And that’s okay with me, because sometimes I just want to give my husband a gift. And men, here’s what you’ve got to understand: on the nights when your wife is just making love “for you”, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with the marriage (in fact, there’s something right, because she’s trying to do something nice for you!) It likely just meas she has a lot on her mind.

If it happens all the time, by all means talk to her about it and work on how you can make sex great for her.

But on those nights when it just ain’t happening for her, take the gift she’s trying to give you. Just take it. Don’t try to analyze her or make her feel great–it will just frustrate her. Take the gift. It’s not that hard.

3. I really wish I weren’t such a multitasker

Multitasking works great during the day–when I’m talking on the phone while unloading the dishwasher, for instance. But I can’t seem to switch it OFF, and it drives me nuts. When I’m having sex, I want to HAVE SEX–not plan a grocery list. But I’ll be lying there having a good time when I’ll suddenly think–“is there milk in the fridge?” And then I panic and think, “Oh, man, what else do I need to pick up? And when am I going to get there?” I didn’t mean to think about milk. But it came in there and then my mind wandered and now my body has shut off.

I hate multitasking. Grrr. I really wish sex didn’t always require so much concentration!

4. You’re never going to like sex if you tell yourself all that negative stuff about it.

Sometimes the earth is not going to move for us. Some nights we really are going to want him to get it over with, and that’s okay if it’s just sometimes. But if it’s all the time, it’s likely at least partly because of the messages you’re giving yourself about sex.

Stop telling yourself all these negative things about sex! If you’re hopeless and talk about how awful it is and always think about how awful it is and always think about how you have no libido and you just want to be left alone and you’re just so, so tired, then it never WILL feel great.

The only way your libido will kick in is if you start telling yourself positive things about sex. And that’s not your husband’s fault if you aren’t. I know we all have roadblocks: maybe sex hurts or you’ve grown up with sexual abuse or you’re dealing with sexual baggage, and that’s okay. Work on those issues. But you’re never, ever going to get to the other side unless you start making yourself think differently.

God made sex. He made you to feel great! He wants you to feel great. He made it to be really intimate and to bind you two together. He wants you to relax. He wants you to sleep better. He wants you in ecstasy. Don’t you want that for yourself? So start talking UP sex instead of talking sex DOWN.

5. Women, what are you thinking if you never have sex with your husbands?

So many men comment on this blog who can count on two hands the number of times they’ve had sex with their wives in the last few years. That’s YEARS.

What makes you think that sex is something that is optional in a marriage? That if you’re tired or run down with kids, that you can just say “no sex tonight–or ever?” Sex is a key part of marriage, and if you’re constantly denying your husband, you’ve got issues.

Sex can be so great, and if it’s not for you, it could very well be because of the messages you’re giving yourself about sex, your husband, and your marriage. Try focusing on the positive aspects of sex and just jump back in! And stop being ridiculous.

6. I wouldn’t sleep with you, either.

At the same time, guys, seriously, do you ever listen to yourself? Yesterday on my Facebook Page Kevin Thompson shared his post “I wouldn’t sleep with you, either“, and I loved it! So spot on.

Many husbands in sexless marriages did very little to deserve their sexless state, as far as I can tell, and so I am not speaking to them. But I’ve had literally dozens of men comment in the last few days on various posts (I’ve had a launch from some manosphere site, I guess), and reading their comments, I can totally see why their wives don’t sleep with them.

Look, guys, if you spend your whole life yelling about how women need to submit, how they can never deny their husbands even if their husbands use porn, how women are supposed to keep silent and not confront their husbands on sin, and how women are to respect their husbands absolutely, do you have any idea how totally creepy you sound? Oh, and when you say that God gave the men the sex drives they have, and so every man is going to check out other women, it’s natural–just ICK. Seriously ICK. Be a man. Treat your wife with dignity.

Stop with the porn. Stop watching Game of Thrones. Cherish your wife. Listen to her opinion. Stop checking out other women. Stop being a boor.

7. Take care of your body

We’re not allowed to say that because it may shame people. And you can have great sex no matter what size you are (in fact, there’s really good research to show that people who are about 20 pounds overweight have the best sex–and people who are underweight have the worst).

And sex is more than physical–it’s also emotional and spiritual, and so we should never let our world’s idea of beauty make us into nervous wrecks who feel so badly about bodies we’re embarrassed to have sex.

I agree with all of that.

But I also think that we’re so scared of shaming women that we’ve stopped talking about how important it is to take care of ourselves and to look nice. The pride that we take in ourselves reflects how we feel about ourselves, and that plays a large role in our sexuality. So just put in some effort, ladies!

Men are visual creatures, and you’re the only woman he’s supposed to look at. So be nice to look at! Stop wearing baggy T-shirts. Stop eating food that isn’t good for you. Treat your body well. Yes, your true beauty is your inner beauty, absolutely. But it doesn’t take that much effort to make your outer self match your inner self. Just pick up a brush. Get a great haircut. Learn to apply some mascara and lipgloss. Fight the frump!

8. My wedding night was awful. Most people’s wedding nights are.

Good Girls Guide My SiteWe talk UP the wedding night way too much. You know what’s wrong with the wedding night? It follows The Wedding Day–the longest day of your life. I think we’d all do so much better if we stopped telling young people “just wait for the wedding night”, and started telling them, “just wait until you can take a year or two discovering each other after you’re married.” When I did my surveys for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I found that about 80% of people had awful wedding nights, if you judge just by the physical aspect. And for most people it does take a few years for things to work like clockwork.

I think we’re so scared of people having premarital sex that we oversell the honeymoon. Let’s talk about sex as a decades long fun research project, not a “one night entry into bliss”. Seriously.

9. Sex is like Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will eventually go wrong.

And here’s why we need to see it as a decades-long thing: anything that can go wrong will. Once you finally get it working like clockwork you’ll get pregnant and start puking. Or you’ll hit perimenopause and your hormones will go out of whack. Or he’ll get stressed and lose his libido. Or he’ll start getting erectile dysfunction.

Sex may be the most intimate thing we can do, but we do it with our bodies. And when things affect our bodies, they’re going to affect sex too. That’s one reason God made marriage: so that when things do go wrong, we’ll stick together long enough for them to go right again!

So don’t worry when things take a turn for the worse. It’s natural. It’s part of growing older together. Just keep talking, and keep those lines of communication open, and be prepared to try to learn new things. We’ve had such health issues the last year that it’s been really discouraging. But it’s brought us closer, too.

10. Sex is like pizza: When it’s good it’s great. When it’s not so good, it’s still pretty good.

I’ve written a lot about spicing things up, and I totally agree with those posts. But do you know what I like best? Sometimes the Old Faithful works without much addition. Sometimes I’m tired, and I say, “come put me to sleep, baby”, and there are no gymnastics. There are no candles. There aren’t multiple positions or anything. And honestly, that’s often what I love most–just being comfortable with each other. I hope that doesn’t make me weird.

There you are–the top 10 things I’d say if I have no filter. Some of those aren’t what I normally say here, but there you go. What would you add? I’d love to know in the comments!

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

 

Wifey Wednesday: My Husband Watches Nudity on TV

My husband watches nudity on TV--like Game of Thrones--what do I do? Some thoughts.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d tackle a subject I get asked about a lot: what about nudity on TV? What do you do if your husband watches shows like Game of Thrones?

About a decade ago now my husband and I decided to start watching the HBO series Rome. Keith’s really into ancient history, and we heard that the series did a great job recreating what life would have been like. We watched the first episode and there was a LOT of sex and nudity. We fast forwarded through all those scenes.

By the second episode we realized we were fast forwarding a good half of the show. And the plotlines were really gross–a mom trying to “sell” her daughter to a man to be his wife; a 13-year-old being sold into sex slavery (and the actress looked 13, too). We just thought it was too gross and we never made it to episode 3.

What do you do, though, if your husband doesn’t share your views on this? One reader recently wrote me saying:

My husband is an avid TV watcher. He loves catching up on his shows and looks at his TV time as his “me” time. The TV itself, however, isn’t the problem. He doesn’t spend too much time watching TV and he doesn’t neglect his responsibilities or our family to do it. The problem that I am having with the TV shows right now is the content – specifically the graphic nudity that is in a good portion of the shows he is watching.

The thought of my husband seeing another woman naked makes me feel sick. He claims that when a naked woman comes on screen, he immediately looks away. While I am inclined to believe him, I’m still not comfortable with him seeing anyone other than me naked at all! This fight has become bitter and has permeated into our whole marriage, because he feels like I am trying to control him, and I feel like he is completely disregarding my feelings when he engages in these TV shows.

I guess my question is, what is the line when it comes to the things that we view on TV or in movies? Am I overreacting about the nudity, as long as he is not “lusting” after the naked woman? Should he respect my feelings and stop watching the shows, or should I stop being angry every time he watches them?

So let’s look at how to handle disagreements about what is okay to watch.

1. Pray that God will convict him that watching other naked women is wrong

I asked on my Facebook Page yesterday what people thought that she should do, and the number one answer was “pray”. Pray that God will convict him and show him it is wrong, and I do totally agree. When God convicts, it’s so much easier to quit. I read books and watched shows when I was younger that I never would now because my conscience wasn’t as sensitive. Pray that God will show him.

And give this some time–perhaps a few weeks–while you pray about how to react and how to prepare your own heart so you’re acting for his good and for the good of the marriage, not just out of anger.

I’ve been going through an odyssey with prayer lately in my own life, and let me tell you–when you decide to pray wholeheartedly for something, it is amazing how often things happen! What if your husband is in a spiritual battle, and he needs you to fight on his behalf for a time? Really take some time and pray hard! You may find that the problem goes away, and you’ll learn a lot more about prayer in the process.

2. Don’t tolerate your husband watching graphic nudity

At the same time, though, we aren’t to tolerate sin. And tolerating sin when it is damaging to the person isn’t helping them; it’s hurting them. If you see someone about to walk off a cliff, and you do nothing, you’re hurting them. Give prayer a chance to change his heart and yours, but at some point we need to stand up and DO something.

One woman wrote this on Facebook:

Game of Thrones, Spartacus, and shows similar aren’t just sinful for their blantant sex and nudity, but for rape, incest, prostitution, possible pedophilia, disregard and disrespect towards women, completely ungodly themes, extreme unnecessary violence, etc. If he was haunting a porn site we wouldn’t be telling her not to nag and asking her to examine how she feels. This stuff IS porn and more.  It is from the pits of hell and she has every right to extract it from her home or pray that God does. She can’t stop him from watching it, but she can insist it does NOT belong in their home. Tell him to find another way to decompress.

I completely agree. Some things are borderline, but there are some sins that are extremely blatant. Many of these shows are pornographic–and even the parts that don’t show nudity show things that are sinful and awful. There is no reason to watch it, and it is wrong, and it should not be in your home, period.

3. But I Don’t Want to Nag!

And here’s the crux of the issue. This woman has already made it an issue with her husband. She has told him she doesn’t want him watching it, he says that he does, and they go round and round and never resolve anything.

So let’s look first at other ways to talk about it.

Focus the conversation on your reaction to the show, not on whether he should be watching it

If you focus the conversation around “it’s pornography and you shouldn’t be watching it”, then you’ll get into an argument about whether or not it really qualifies, and you can’t win that.

Instead, talk about the real issue, which is this: “I feel disrespected and humiliated when you watch that, and I don’t know why you want to do something which makes me feel disrespected and humiliated. When you watch that, I feel sad. I feel ugly. I feel like you don’t care about me and don’t really love me. I understand that you enjoy it, but if I enjoyed something that hurt you this much I would never do it. The fact that you don’t care about how it makes me feel hurts me in the extreme. Do you think that it is appropriate for you to do something which hurts me like this?”

He needs to understand what he is doing to you. Often refocusing the conversation around feelings rather than sin is more productive. He can’t debate how you feel; that is a fact. And you don’t need to be angry when you share it, either. You’re sad, you’re sharing your feelings because you want him to understand how serious it is.

4. Set Clear Boundaries

As another Facebook commenter said (who also happens to be a real life friend), “break the TV!”

I think she has a point.

Jesus says that if an eye causes us to sin we should pluck it out. If a hand causes us to sin we should cut it off. If a TV is causing you to sin, then, it makes sense to get rid of the TV.

But you don’t HAVE to do that. There are other things that one can do as well. But I think too often we, as wives, think that because we’re women and we’re married for life if we disagree on something there is really nothing we can do but live with it. Not true at all. Whatever you tolerate will continue.

Whatever you tolerate will continue. #marriagetip

We can choose not to tolerate many things without divorcing our husbands or even disrespecting our husbands.

You can say something like, “I understand that you want to watch these shows, and should you choose to watch them, I will be extremely hurt, but I will understand. I will ask, however, that you do not do so inside our home. If you are going to be disrespectful towards me, I would ask that you do it somewhere else.”

That is not being disrespectful towards him. You are honoring his right to make his choices, but you are also acknowledging that you have the right to make choices.

You can talk about getting rid of the TV, or you can talk about removing yourself (and perhaps the children) from the premises when he chooses to watch these shows.

Alternatively, you can say, “On the nights that you watch those shows, I would ask that you also sleep separately from me. It hurts me to be near to you when you have treated me this way, and when you are close to me afterwards, I have no way of knowing if you are thinking about me or thinking about the person on the screen. I love sleeping next to you and I want to sleep next to you always, but I can’t sleep when you are doing something like this.”

Then you stop talking about it and you just start doing. You’re not nagging. He’s made his choice, and you’ve made yours. On the nights that he doesn’t watch TV, be nice to him! Be giving to him! Have a great time together and don’t punish him for it.

You’re not controlling him–he can choose to do what he wants to do. But you also can choose to do what you want to do, and his actions will have consequences for your actions.

Which approach should you take? I have no idea. It really depends on you, your marriage, and your personalities. But this idea that all we can do is tell him, “I really don’t like it when you do that”, and then we should keep our mouths shut, is not scriptural.

In Matthew 18, we’re told what to do if someone sins against us. We go to them first. If that doesn’t work, we go to one or two others and ask them to help intervene for us. And if that doesn’t work, we go to the whole church. What we don’t do is just tolerate it.

I’ve written before that this applies to marriage as well–we’re to be wives, not enablers. When you do nothing, you enable sin.

What General Principles can we take from this about resolving conflict?

Here are a few quick things:

1. Focus on your feelings, rather than the infraction.

2. Leave some time for God to convict.

3. If the problem persists, change your own behaviour.

4. If the problem still persists, bring in a mentor couple or a pastor.

The problem I have with a lot of marriage advice is that it stops at #2. And then people are stuck just feeling like they’re nagging and not getting anywhere.

I wonder how many divorces could have been avoided if people used good conflict resolution early and stopped tolerating things that are wrong?

We start tolerating little things, these little things escalate, and soon we have a huge problem.

Boundaries in MarriageYou don’t have to make things into World War III, but some things just need to be done for the good of the marriage, and for the good of your husband’s soul. Not everything is that big a deal, of course, but some things are. And the principle here isn’t just the nudity; it’s the fact that he’s choosing to hurt her terribly. That can’t be tolerated, either.

I know what I’m saying is controversial, but I’m also trying to be helpful. If you want more information on how to deal with problems like this calmly and properly, I’d really recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage or The Emotionally Healthy Woman.

Now, let me know (and let me have it, since I know many will disagree with me), what do you do if your husband is doing something that is endangering his spiritual life and the marriage?

Reader Question: Shouldn’t Sex Involve Intercourse?

Reader Question of the WeekShould sex involve intercourse?

Every Monday I like to post a question from a reader and take a stab at answering it. Today’s is a thorny issue: what if your husband wants things OTHER than intercourse all the time?

My husband often prefers us to finish individually, without intercourse. He thoroughly enjoys giving and receiving. I told him about that denying the spiritual connection and he said that it is completely the same for him however it happens. He feels totally connected to me whether we have sex or not. It doesn’t feel as intimate to me and I would prefer it not be 50/50. Should I be feeling this connection without sex as well?

My second question I’m embarrassed to ask. Often my husband wants me to do things I don’t care for. It’s not painful, or degrading, I just don’t like it and it feels awkward. It is definitely something that only makes him feel good. This is how he wants to finish more than half the time. I feel like I am being selfish in not wanting to give my husband what makes him feel good and enjoy my body, however, I don’t enjoy it at all. He’s so happy and appreciative afterward that I don’t want to deprive him of something he wants or make him feel guilty for wanting something he can’t ask for. I’m afraid of continuing it and losing all the progress I have made because I’ll start to resent “sexy time” knowing there’s a good chance he will ask and it will become a chore I try to distract myself from. I don’t want to be selfish, my husband has been so supportive and loving through all the rejection and crying over the last 2 years, I’m just not sure if I can ever enjoy it. Should I keep trying to make my husband happy?

Wow! Tough issues.

Let’s try to deal with some of them individually.

Sex Needs Intercourse: If your husband avoids making love, there may be a problem.

Intercourse is Uniquely Intimate

When you have intercourse (forgive me for using the technical term in this post instead of ‘making love’, but I want to be really technical here so everyone knows what I’m talking about), you’re both receiving stimulation and pleasure from the same act. You are both experiencing something at the same time. That’s part of what makes it so intimate. When you are just stimulating each other in other ways (orally or manually, for instance), you may do so simultaneously, but you aren’t actually experiencing it together. You’re both experiencing two different actions.

There’s also something else about intercourse: the man actually ENTERS the woman. That makes it highly intimate, too. You’re actually joined. There’s a vulnerability there that isn’t present in the same way with other acts (other acts may be physically vulnerable, but it really isn’t the same thing). With intercourse we’re almost laid bare physically and emotionally.

If someone is running away from intercourse then they’re also running away from intimacy, and likely don’t even understand what I’m talking about.

Is there a Place for Other Sexual Acts?

Absolutely! They can be great for foreplay (and are often necessary to get a woman aroused enough to feel pleasure from intercourse). Also, as I’ve talked about before, there are ways to be really intimate there if health problems make intercourse impossible or difficult.

However, barring these health issues, if someone prefers other sexual acts to intercourse, then it’s almost like they’re saying (and forgive me for being graphic), “let me use your body to masturbate with.” They want a type of sexual release where they’re focusing ONLY on what they’re feeling, not on how the other person feels, and it’s a very self-centered act when it’s used on its own.

Oral sex or mutual masturbation can ENHANCE intercourse; they should never REPLACE it.

Why Would Someone Not Want Intercourse?

Essentially her husband is saying, “I prefer my sexual experiences to be focused on myself rather than on us together.” He may not consciously think that or say that, but that is what his actions are showing. So why would someone get to this point?

Someone who has been really involved with masturbation growing up rewires sexual arousal and response so that it’s a solo-based thing, not focused on relationship. And let’s face it–the feeling is often much more intense through oral or manual stimulation. Intercourse is great, but it often takes longer and you have to concentrate on another person. When you’re used to sex being about nothing more than thinking about yourself, then that can seem like a huge hassle. Who would want to do that?

This also represents a stunted sexual maturation, where someone is literally “stuck” or fixated on early teen sexual development. It’s like they never matured. There could be psychological reasons for this if it’s really an ingrained thing from some sort of brokenness or abuse in their past, but more likely it’s due to a masturbation habit that formed right when the sexual feelings did, and they never grew beyond that.

Could There Be Other Things Going On?

Absolutely, and here are just a few to look out for:

He could have sexual dysfunction

Perhaps in the past he’s tried intercourse and it hasn’t worked very well, or he’s become really nervous that it won’t work. So he’d rather try something that doesn’t require work or potential performance issues.

I’ve written a series on sexual dysfunction here.

He could have a porn addiction

One of the main effects of porn is that it makes intercourse far less intimate and far less desirable. Because most arousal is now dependent on these images in your head, people prefer sex that doesn’t require thought and allows them to have these images pass through their head. Intercourse can be a distraction.

He could have abuse issues in his past

Has he been abused in some way that has made him fear sex or fear his sexuality or sexual orientation? That’s another thing that needs to be considered.

So What Do I Do if My Husband Avoids Intercourse?

Unfortunately there isn’t a magic wand you can wave. The only thing you can do is talk openly. Talk about some of the points I’ve already raised–that intercourse is intimate because it’s both of you experiencing something together. It requires concentrating on each other, not just being self-focused. It feels wonderful. And it should not be avoided.

And then I’d say something like this: I’m not saying that we won’t do other things. What I am saying is that I no longer want to finish that way. I would like us to experience something together.

31 Days to Great SexIf you need a roadmap to follow, 31 Days to Great Sex is a wonderful one. It helps you work through building intimacy towards intercourse slowly, and helps you learn to enjoy each other’s bodies in the context of a really intimate relationship. And it’s a lot of fun! If you want a way to address this but you’re not sure how to have a “big” conversation about it, this book may help you have that conversation in dribs and drabs over the course of the month so that you start to understand better how each other thinks about sex and what sex was supposed to be. I really recommend giving it a try!

Work on Intimacy

It does sound your husband is stunted at an immature stage of sexual development. So what do you do to help him play “catch up” or to understand what sex should be? Work on intimacy in other ways. Take baths naked together. Pray with your husband. Work on your friendship and spend time together. Do a lot of massage where you touch each other and talk to each other.

And understand that it may take time for him to start appreciating intercourse when he’s used to other things. It won’t be instantaneous, and you need to leave him time for growth. But if you work on feeling intimate in other ways, often the libido for intimacy during sex does return.

What About the Sexual Acts He Wants Me to Do that I Don’t Like?

You can always compromise–say that one night a month is “his” night where you get to do whatever he wants, and then one night a month is your night where you do whatever you want.

But these are “special” nights, and they don’t replace your normal sex life together. If he says, “fine, I don’t want anything except my night” then you do have a problem.

Where To Go If He Still Refuses Intercourse

If he won’t agree to have intercourse, won’t talk about it, and thinks that you’re wrong, then it may be time to bring in a counselor and ask him to go see one with you. He does have issues that are harming his ability to be intimate with you, and if he can’t be intimate with his wife, it’s also very likely that he can’t really be intimate with God. When we hide from intimacy sexually we’re also usually hiding spiritually, too. This isn’t good for him, and to enable him to go on like this does him no favours. Sometimes you have to draw a huge line in the sand and say, “I love you too much to let you keep going down this road.”

I hope that helps. I get this question quite often, so many women are dealing with it, and you’re not alone. Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever dealt with this, or if you’ve found other things that help your husband understand real intimacy.

My Heart for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Sheila Wray Gregoire shares why she wrote Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and her heart for marriage

We’re in the middle of our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for February, where I gave people the choice of three books: Pulling Back the Shades (about 50 Shades of Grey), the Passion Principles, and The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex (by me!) I’ll be reviewing The Passion Principles next Thursday, but today I wanted to share my heart for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex.

February Books for The Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge

It’s hard to sum up my book in one blog post because basically this whole blog–all 1600 or so posts–are reflected in the book.

So what can I say? When it was released I tried to break it down into 29 bite sized chunks, doing the 29 days to Great Sex leading up to its launch date. I’ve since turned that series into its own book.

But if you like this blog, and if you’re looking for practical information on how to make sex great, along with a framework to understand sex better, The Good Girl’s Guide is for you!

And so today, rather than try to write about what’s in it I thought I’d share my heart for it.

Last week I spoke in Texas five times giving my Girl Talk, where I talked about what God meant for sex and marriage. And sometimes it’s easier to get passionate when I’m speaking than when I’m blogging.

 

Sheila Gregoire Girl Talk

Here’s how I begin my talk: sex for me has not always been good. Often when you listen to a speaker talk about sex (or read a blogger speaking about sex) you assume that she’s got it all figured it out. It’s always been easy for her. She’s the “expert”.

But trust me–usually people write and speak about the things that they have found challenging in their lives.

It’s the things that they’ve struggled with which are interesting. The things where God has made them grow, step outside of their comfort zone, and test their own faith.

And that’s what it was like for me. As I share in my book, I entered marriage with a ton of baggage. I had trust issues because of important men in my life leaving me, and my now-husband originally breaking off my engagement. That made sex uncomfortable. But I also was given this book before I was married that was written by a man, that was given to pretty much every engaged couple back in the 80s and 90s. I won’t mention its title here, but suffice it to say, it made me a nervous wreck.

It was basically all about how to make sex great the first time out. And it was so explicit! Do this for five minutes, then this for ten. Rub here, rub there, stretch there. I almost felt violated reading it. And since I was reading it while lying in the bathtub (that’s where I did most of my reading back then), I took it and drowned it. I held it under the water until I was sure the book was dead, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.

Why was I so uncomfortable with that book? I’ve thought about that and wondered that a lot, and here’s what I came up with: That book made sex all about the physical. I’m sure that wasn’t the author’s intention, but that’s still what I took away from it. You had better do everything right or else it’s going to feel awful. And you’ll be a big failure.

It was a ton of pressure.

Then, when sex wasn’t great for me after I was married, I just felt like I had been sold a bill of goods. Here was this man writing a book about sex, and he made it seem so complicated. If men didn’t touch and rub here exactly like this for exactly this amount of time, she’ll never feel good. And the media was all saying that sex was great, but that sure wasn’t what I was experiencing. Why would God make sex so complicated? Why was it so difficult? And surely I wasn’t the only one finding it difficult, was I?

I also didn’t grow up with a great view of sex. Like most teens, I heard incessantly “don’t do it, don’t do it” from youth groups and youth conferences, so the sex-positive messages I got were from movies that treated sex like a recreational drug. Sex was almost pornographic to me. It wasn’t something beautiful; it was something HOT.

When I got married and I didn’t feel particularly “hot”, but only rather uncomfortable, I had no framework for what to do. Sex was either to be avoided (don’t do it!) or made into almost an orgy (the media). And now I was at a crossroads.

I chose the “don’t do it” route. It all just seemed like so much work. My husband wanted it all the time; it didn’t feel good; and we were always fighting over it. Here’s a tongue in cheek video we made about this attitude to make the point; perhaps you’ll recognize yourself in it!

I spent so long turning him off I didn’t ask if I wanted to be turned on.

And the turning point came when I realized that perhaps what I was believing about sex was wrong. Yes, my experience with sex wasn’t great; but that didn’t mean that sex couldn’t be great. I was judging sex based on my experience, rather than based on what I knew the truth to be. How did I find the truth? I slowly started to believe more about what God said about sex.

(I wrote an in-depth post about how to start thinking positively about sex here).

The missing piece for me was intimacy. I thought that intimacy was about friendship and talking, and not about making love. When I started to understand that being intimate together–being emotionally and spiritually vulnerable, opening up to one another–that THAT is the best aphrodisiac, sex started working much better, even if it still took a few years to make it work more like clockwork. And it’s that spiritual intimacy during sex that we don’t really get.

So I tried to write a book that would help women relax, help them calm down, help them laugh, and still point them in the direction of awesome sex. We don’t need the pornographic version. We don’t need to avoid it. We certainly shouldn’t lose hope. God created this to be great, and if it isn’t great right now, that’s okay. That’s why marriage is decades-long! You’ve got a while to get this right.

And you can make sex the most fun research project you’ll ever do!

I wrote The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex for everyone like me who ever wondered what they were missing. And I pray that it helps all new brides get started on a more solid footing, and more experienced wives enter into the awesomeness that God really intended for us!

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

How I Win Every Argument with My Spouse

Today we welcome Daniel Robertson from God’s Help for Marriage, as he shares about how to win every argument with your spouse–the answer is so good, you BOTH actually win!

How I Win Every Argument with my SpouseThis past summer I was working a temp job at the local county fair. One day, before my shift started, I took my wife and kids (and mother-in-law) to the fair for some family fun. But this trip ended in an epic argument between me and my wife. One of the worst we’ve ever had in 7 years of marriage.

I’ll also share how we overcame this argument, and the secret to winning every argument with your spouse. This secret is so powerful that not only will you win, but so will your spouse.

We were having a great time at the fair. The kids loved the Ferris Wheel. I think I took each of them on it twice, even though I don’t like heights. But what they loved even more was the dance floor, where they were playing country music and a bunch of kids were goofing off and dancing in a way that only little kids can do. They spent quite a bit of time there dancing around.

In fact, I was starting to get antsy because I wanted to show them more of the fair, and it was getting closer to the start of my work shift. I also wanted to help my wife get the kids in the car before my shift started. I hinted at my wife a few times that I wanted to go do something else, but she didn’t take these hints.

Sidenote: Hinting is not a great form of communication. I’m learning to be more direct with my requests.

After a few of these hints, I was really starting to get frustrated. I also knew that my 3 year old son was likely to throw a temper tantrum if and when I did try to get him to leave. I figured it would be better to get him away from the crowd to throw his tantrum, so I swooshed in and grabbed him. I pulled him away, with him kicking and screaming the whole time.

All of this happened without communicating with my wife about what I was planning. Huge mistake.

She was furious, and embarrassed to be seen with me after that. I looked like the mean daddy, who dragged his kid away from his fun. I thought I was the hero, who was taking charge and preventing a very public 3-year-old tantrum.

Sensing my wife’s fury, I knew it was time to end the fair date. I helped her get the kids into the car, and then tried to make amends with my wife. I explained why I did that, and she explained why I was wrong in what I did. I reached out to hug her and told her I loved her. She pushed me away and said something like “I hate you” or “I don’t love you”–with more vehemence than I could ever have imagined coming from her.

I was infuriated by her rejection. I don’t think I’ve ever been more hurt in my life. So I went to my car to get my badge and uniform shirt, and I still had maybe half an hour before my shift started, so I sat in my car, fuming. How could she say what she did? How could she let me start off a work day with this hanging between us?

So, how did we recover from this argument? How did we both end up winning?

I’ll tell you in a bit. But first, I’d like to talk about some common questions couples have about arguing.

How Often do Happy Couples Argue?

Despite this epically bad argument, my wife and I are a very happy couple. And happy couples argue just as much as any other couple.

In other words, it doesn’t really matter how much you argue. Argue a lot. Argue a little bit. It doesn’t make a huge difference on your overall happiness in the long term.

In some ways, arguing is actually a sign of a healthy relationship. Each person brings different beliefs, ideas, and values to marriage. You probably even have different ways of doing the same task.

Sometimes, these conflicting attitudes cause arguments. And that’s OK. It shows that each of you is willing to stand up for your values and positions. And that’s a good thing. If a couple told me they never argue, I would suspect one of them of being a wallflower or having given up.

What’s the Right Way to Argue?

Again, HOW you argue isn’t actually all that important in your long term happiness as a couple. It probably matters more than how often you argue, but not by much.

Some happy couples break all the “rules” of how to fight fair. Do any of these sound familiar?

  • Use “Active Listening” techniques
  • Don’t get defensive
  • Don’t use blame-shifting
  • Don’t say “always” or “never”
  • Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements
  • Don’t attack your spouse’s character
  • Stay on topic

All of this is good advice. Follow it, if you can. But let’s be honest. In the heat of the moment, all of this good advice goes out the window. Even for the happiest couples.

The one rule you need to stick to every time is to not use violence when you argue. Spousal abuse is never OK. Other than that, all of the “arguing rules” are guidelines.

The Real Secret to Winning Every Argument is What you do After the Fight

OK, let me finish the rest of my story. A few minutes into my work shift at the fair, my wife called me and apologized for how she reacted. It was probably less than an hour after our fight. Definitely less than two. She also offered to bring me lunch at my break, which I had been planning to ask her to do until our argument broke out.

In other words, she made a peace offering.

In her book “The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages” Shaunti Feldhahn reveals this as the secret:
“When highly happy couples inevitably experience hurt feelings and conflict, they will at some point mutually reconnect by sharing a private signal that says ‘We’re okay.'”

After an argument, happy couples reach out and reestablish their friendship and commitment to each other. I initially reached out to my wife by trying to hug her and tell her I loved her. Although she rejected my initial peace offering, it wasn’t long before she made her own attempt to reestablish connection with me.

Maybe you stay angry for days after an argument with your spouse. You might stonewall, push your husband or wife away, or just shut down. All while stewing in anger and bitterness and thinking negative thoughts about him or her. These thoughts are particularly damaging because they shift your perceptions of your spouse. The longer these thoughts continue, the more these negative perceptions become a part of your subconscious thinking patterns.

For instance, after our fight all I could think about was how badly my wife overreacted, and how could she let me start work like that, and all kinds of uncharitable thoughts about her.

These negative thoughts stopped instantly once she called and apologized. They were immediately replaced by feelings of gratitude and friendship.

It’s important to note that this has nothing to do with resolving the conflict. My wife and I never reached an agreement of who was “right” and who was “wrong”. We did come to an understanding of WHY we each did what we did, but we never agreed that those reasons were right.

There are some conflicts you will probably never resolve in your marriage. You’ll keep arguing about the same things over and over again. In some cases you might be able to reach a good compromise. In others, you might just have to agree to disagree.

But if you quickly reconnect with your spouse after an argument, you both win. Every time.

So how do you do this? The best way is to apologize and make some kind of “peace offering” after the argument. It might be as simple as a hug. Or maybe you make a goofy face or tell a joke to try to get your spouse to laugh. Or you touch pinkies as a secret sign that says “We’re okay”.

Or there’s my personal favorite: make up sex.

And if your spouse offers a peace offering, do your best to accept it. Maybe you aren’t ready right away. If not, it’s important that you make the next move. As soon as you are ready, make your own attempt to reconcile and reconnect.

Whoever makes the initial move, it’s best if this happens within a few hours of the argument. Or within a day at most. The sooner this happens, the better.

DanielDaniel Robertson is a Christian husband and father and writes about how to improve your marriage with Biblical principles. Download his free report to discover 3 simple keys to create more passion and intimacy in your marriage, or read his recent post on 15 tips to rock your marriage in 2015.

 

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Wifey Wednesday: Does God Like Men Better? Why It’s Hard for Women to Reach Orgasm

Why is it so hard for women to orgasm, and so easy for men? Thoughts on why God made us this way!Does God just like men better?

It’s Wednesday, the day that we always talk marriage! And today, in our lead up to Valentine’s Day, I want to address an often unspoken question when it comes to sex: Why did God make it so easy for a man to climax, and so difficult for a woman? How is that fair?

When I speak around North America giving my Girl Talk on marriage, sex, and intimacy (I’m in Texas this week!), I always include an anonymous Q&A portion of the night. Women can write questions on little pieces of paper, and I take a stab at answering them. And in every church I’ve been to–large or small, rural or urban, young or old–the questions are almost always pretty much the same. And at least one has to do with orgasm.

Why is orgasm so easy for a guy, and so hard for a woman?

Good Girls Guide My SiteWhen I was writing The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed 2000 women. And I found that about 64% of women usually or always reached orgasm during intercourse. But that leaves 36% of women who rarely or never, or only sometimes do. If I limit the pool to just those who have been married for 5 years or less, 41% of women have difficulty.

I’m pretty sure the number of men who have difficulty reaching orgasm is about 10 times less.

And if you’re a woman who has ever laid in bed thinking desperately, “will this be the night?”, you know how frustrating it is.

Then sex becomes this pass/fail thing: if you don’t climax, you didn’t do it right. And you feel like the failure, because he ALWAYS has fun. (If your husband does have performance issues, though, I do have a series on that). He’s disappointed, you’re disappointed, and sex seems like so much work! In the media everyone seems to love sex, but you figure they’re pretending. Or they’re deluded. Or you’re just broken.

You’re not. You’re really not! There totally is hope.

31 Days to Great SexI’ve talked before on the blog about how to reach orgasm, and I have tons of tips in The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex. I’ll summarize really, really quickly, but my top 5 points would be:

1. Use lots of foreplay

Before you even start intercourse, touch each other a lot. Get yourself really excited, even if that means that you take control by rubbing against him.

2. Use lubrication

It can be much easier to get aroused if you’re well-lubricated! Coconut oil or Astroglide work well.

3. Bring him to orgasm earlier in the day

Just so that he’s able to last longer, and it can be more about you!

4. Breathe and think of it like surfing

You want to ride the wave, not get in front of the wave. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense if you rarely orgasm, but the more worked up you get about it, the less likely it is to happen. If you can focus on feeling pleasure and letting your body almost sink into the pleasure, then it’s more likely you’ll ride it to the top!

5. Remember angle matters

Most arousal in women is caused by clitoral stimulation, not vaginal stimulation. So change the angle so that you are getting stimulated at the right spot. Lying flat on your back (or with a pillow under your head) in the missionary position is often the WORST position for this type of stimulation. Engaging your muscles to tilt your hips up, or using a different position, is often better.

Okay, there’s more in the books, but that’s just a few pointers. The bigger issue I want to deal with today, though, is why do we even need posts like this? Why is it so tricky for women? What on earth could possibly be the purpose of us being made in this way? Is our difficulty in climaxing a result of the fall or something?

Nope. I actually think God had a purpose when He created us like this. And here it is:

1. Satisfying Sex Requires Communication

For us to reach climax, we need to be touched in a very particular way. We need to be touched in a very specific spot. We need that touch gentle at first and then more pressing and urgent.

And so we need to communicate that to our husbands.

That’s hard. Telling him what we want requires first of all that we actually know what we want, and many women don’t. We get married with very little knowledge of what feels good or how our bodies work (that’s true whether we’re virgins or not; most sexual encounters when you’re young are not sexually satisfying, and that can solidify some ignorance about how to feel good).

So we have to learn about ourselves, and then we have to tell him. That’s right: we have to tell him something that nobody else knows about us. We have to open up and pull back the curtain and show him the most primitive part of ourselves; the part we try to hide. And that’s why:

2. Communication Requires Vulnerability

To tell him what we want means that we are willing to let down our defences and get real with our husbands. It means that we share the most private parts of ourselves, and we allow ourselves to even acknowledge those parts. We can’t pretend to be in control all the time. We can’t be prim and proper. We have to empty ourselves, bare ourselves, and let go.

And that’s why:

3. Vulnerability Requires Trust

In order to be that bare with someone we need to trust them–trust them that they love us, that they will keep this private, that they actually care and want to see inside of us.

This trust is often built over time, and that’s one reason, I think, that women tend to have more fun in the bedroom the longer they’ve been married. We’ve learned to trust, which means we can be vulnerable, which means that we can fully communicate now. We’re not ashamed and embarrassed.

The Big Picture on Women, Orgasm, and Why God Made Us This Way

So let’s take a step back now and look at the big picture.

What if God made us so that we responded sexually as easily as men did? There would not be the same need to work on the relationship. We wouldn’t have this need to be vulnerable, to grow trust, to learn how to confront our own inner fears and insecurities and bring them to light for healing. Our relationships would be very shallow.

The way that we are made ensures that if two people are going to have an awesome sex life, they are going to have to grow other parts of their relationship, too. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. That sounds like a great marriage to me!

Why Do Married Women Have More Fun?

And this is why my study, as well as many others, have shown that married women enjoy sex more. Our world sells anonymous encounters as the highest on the sexy totem pole. But when you can’t open up and be vulnerable, you’re missing one of the keys to great sexual response. Our response is tied into our ideas of intimacy. Without real intimacy, something will always be missing.

The Good News Moving Forward

So here’s the good news, ladies!

You all can reach orgasm. Really. It may be more difficult for some. It may take years (it did for me). It may take a lot of practice and a lot of trying. But anatomically, there is no reason to think that you can’t. Just grow your relationship, calm down and don’t get too uptight about it, and read books on how to make it more likely. And then make it a really fun research project you do with your husband!

And when you do get to the point that you’re achieving orgasm usually or always, here’s some more good news: women have more intense orgasms. We can have multiple ones, which can last for quite a long period of time–far longer than his. Inasmuch as researchers can figure this out, we may have more difficulty getting there, but once we’re there–we have the capacity for more!

So don’t despair. God doesn’t like men better. He just made us differently so that we would have a reason to grow our relationship. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. Work on those things this Valentine’s Day, and you may find even more fireworks than you had planned!

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! Have some marriage advice? Leave a comment, or link up a URL of your own Wifey Wednesday marriage (or Valentine’s Day) post in the linky below!

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.




Top 10 Ways to Be More Adventurous in Bed

Top 10 Ways to Be More Adventurous in Bed--learn to relax and have fun with your husband.

Do you long to feel more adventurous in bed?

Recently I received this email:

We’ve been married for 8 years. I am an introvert and do not like being in the center of attention. This also reflects in my sex life and has from the very beginning. I know that my husband wishes I were more adventurous and open and I wish that too!! How can I become more comfortable with spicing things up in the bedroom (wearing lingerie, being more vocal during sex, even doing a sexy dance, etc.). I want to be completely free, but freeze and feel self-conscious at the idea of actually doing one of those things. Do you have any suggestions?

Top TenYou’ve come to the right place! And so today, for top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share 10 tips to be more adventurous in bed–just in time for Valentine’s Day!

And these 10 things all address the problem: We’re too self-conscious. So the key is to first make us more comfortable, and second set up scenarios where we don’t have to feel like we’re the ones who have to come up with something to do. It’s on the agenda anyway, and we’re “going along”. We’re not instigating. And for a lot of women that’s a lot less scary! So here we go:

1. Turn The Heat Up

It’s such a little thing, but most women are a lot more comfortable when they’re not cold. If you want your husband to see you in lingerie, don’t be shivering! Just put a space heater near your bed. That way you don’t have to turn up the heat in the whole house.

2. Turn the Lights Low–or Use Candles

If you’re nervous about him watching you, or about what you look like, then turn the lights low. You can still do a little “lingerie fashion show” without the lights blaring.

A little light is fun–men are visual, after all. But if you’re nervous, setting softer light can go a long way to making you feel more at ease.

3. Start with a Bath–or a Massage

Instead of just jumping in to sex, start with something that relaxes you and helps you feel intimate. After all, why are we scared to be adventurous in bed? Because it feels like all we care about is sex. Doing something that connects you more intimately first shows you that it’s about the relationship. So cuddle in a warm bath. Take a hot shower. Have him give you a massage (while you’re both naked!) Get relaxed and let yourself FEEL that he accepts you.

4. Add Something Extra That You Can Prepare Earlier

Sometimes we need to act when the thought strikes–instead of hoping that your courage will be there at night, when he’s watching you or you’re together. So if you’re feeling a little frisky or a little more adventurous, and you’re hoping for some fun tonight, head to your bedroom NOW, before you talk yourself out of it, and draw a little lipstick heart somewhere interesting for him to find later–like on your breast or inner thigh. Put on some risque lingerie for him to discover when you undress tonight. Dab bits of different perfume on different areas of your body that he’ll have to find later. Or come up with some other ideas.

But the key: do it when the thought strikes. Don’t assume you’ll follow through tonight!

5. Create His Nights and Her Nights

Maybe there’s something that he’d really like to try that you’re not totally keen on. And you’re worried that if you do it he’ll want it all the time! Or you feel embarrassed to suggest that maybe you should try that tonight.

One couple I know decided that every Saturday was either “his” night or “her” night–they switched weekly. And on his night they did things that he liked doing. On her night they did things she liked doing–even if that included a 45 minute massage first.

Here’s the benefit: If you’re feeling shy or embarrassed to try something new, psychologically you’re “off the hook” because it’s not YOU who is instigating this; it’s him. And you know that you’ll get your own preferences later. Then on the nights between the Saturdays you can just do what you would normally do.

Often we women actually want to do some of the things he’d want on “his” nights, but we don’t want to feel like we’d have to be doing them all the time. Or else we’re embarrassed to say, “that actually interests me too”. Here’s a way to just do it!

If you find it difficult to voice what you would want on your day, write your “his” and “her” ideas on pieces of paper and then put them in a jar–you can use different colours for each of you, or just use two jars. Then on his nights and her nights you can pick out a piece of paper and do what it says. Again, this psychologically feels easier because you don’t have to voice a preference, but you do get your needs met.

6. Have Him Stay Stock Still–and Don’t Let Him Talk

Have him lie on his back and tell him that he can’t move for ten minutes–and he’s absolutely not allowed to talk (he can moan if he wants to, but no words). The benefit? You can explore his body without any feedback from him (well, except that you’ll likely see the response you’re getting rather obviously). Don’t even look at his face if you find it too embarrassing. This lets you actually feel his body or do whatever you want to his body and just get to know it better. If you need to, blindfold him so that he can’t see what you’re doing, and you feel more free to explore.

Intercourse is actually not the most intimate thing. It’s far more intimate to be intentional about touching and teasing and taking time to explore. That shows real interest on your part about learning about him–and that’s why it can be embarrassing. If any of us grew up thinking that showing interest in sex was shameful, then to show interest in learning something sexually can be difficult.

7. Have Him Play “Teacher”

On Sunday night, in Houston, I was giving my Girl Talk presentation on sex and marriage. Part of that presentation always includes an anonymous Q&A (I answer questions that were written down), and one of the questions was “How exactly do you perform oral sex?” (although it was worded a little more graphically. :) ).

Sometimes fear that we’re doing something wrong can also make us embarrassed and hold us back from being adventurous. What if you do something wrong–or something that doesn’t feel good? This can especially be a problem if you know that your husband has had a lot of sexual experience beforehand. What if you don’t measure up?

I replied to that question like this: “I’m pretty sure you already have someone who could teach you that in detail, but that person is not in this room.” Because most husbands, I would guess, would be eager to show you exactly what to do.

So have a night when he plays teacher. He’s not asking you to do something; he’s actually giving very clear direction and “orders”, if you want to phrase it that way. And then he can give you a special reward if you master whatever skill he wants you to learn.

Honestly, every couple should do this periodically, because we all could learn from each other. And quite often we’re hesitant when we’re normally making love to say, “a little to the left” or “a little harder” or “not quite so fast”. It seems rude. But if you’re playing teacher, you can easily. And then you can be a willing pupil!

When you see that you’ve actually mastered a skill, it’s easier to initiate it later.

8. Play a Game

Here’s another way to try new things. Put the things you want to try on a dice, and then roll the dice and do what it says! I’ve got a Dice Game that you can print out right here.

9. Play Beat the Clock

Here’s another fun one. Using a kitchen timer (or a stopwatch on your phone), make a list of things you’d like to do and then do them each–but only for two minutes. This gives a kind of urgency to what you’re doing, but also helps you to relax a little bit because you’re changing things up so constantly. There isn’t a lot of time to start second guessing yourself or getting nervous!

Here’s another variation on the same idea: take him into the bedroom and tell him he can do anything he wants to do–but he only has 5 minutes. So he had better get a move on and have some fun! If he’s not finished in that time, then you’re going back downstairs (but have pity on him later in the day, or play again in an hour or two).

This is often exciting because you’re concentrating on his pleasure, not yours. In that amount of time most women can’t reach orgasm, so the emphasis isn’t on making you feel good. It’s on letting him have as much fun as possible as quickly as possible. So he doesn’t have to worry about saving himself or holding something back for you. He can let go! For a lot of women this is a very freeing thing because you see how excited you get him when he only has to care about having fun himself (a lot of men won’t even need the whole 5 minutes).

10. Talk

Our reader asked how can she learn to be more vocal during sex. The key? Don’t overanalyze. Don’t worry about what you’re supposed to say or about saying the right thing. Just FEEL–and then tell him what you feel. Here’s how:

Ask yourself: what feels good right now?

When you ask that question, you pay attention to your body and you start realizing what is feeling good. Often we women get so caught up in our heads when we’re making love that we become almost disconnected from our bodies. Asking this question reminds you to pay attention to what your body is saying.

When  you realize what feels good, just say it. “Oh, my [insert whatever body part] is tingling”, or “It feels so good when you [insert whatever he’s doing]”. Just say what you’re feeling!

Ask yourself: What do you want him to do now?

When you start paying attention to your body, you’ll likely start to notice that some parts of your body are now crying out for attention. That’s what arousal does to you.

When you notice it, say it. “Oh, baby, touch my [insert body part]”.

You don’t have to use weird words for body parts–it’s okay to use the real ones (or whatever you’re comfortable saying). And believe me–this is sexy! It may feel like it sounds trite, but what really turns a guy on is hearing that you’re into it.

So there you go–10 tips to help you feel like the sexual being you were created to be–to help you be more adventurous in bed! Why not pick a few and put them into practice this week?

In fact, here’s my suggestion: for Valentine’s Day, write out your “his” and “her” night ideas, and then make a pledge that you’ll do them over the next few months. Let yourself go! You’re married. You’re supposed to enjoy each other. Don’t let fear hold you back from something so amazing.

Have fun!

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.


 

 

 

 

 

 

The Appeal of 50 Shades of Grey–and Why We Should Fight

Why 50 Shades of Grey Appeals--and what our response should be

Fifty Shades of Grey is coming to theaters everywhere next Valentine’s Day. It’s become the highest advanced ticket sales for any R-rated movie ever. Groups of women are going to see it together.

What should our response be?

It’s sold as a series that can reignite women’s sex drives, boost their libidos, and even enhance their marriages. But is that true?

Today all over the online world bloggers are uniting to talk about this movie and why it’s a bad idea. I’ve written several posts on the book before, including:

I want to take a bit of a different approach in today’s post and talk about why the movie appeals–and then what we should do about that.

Why Are Women Drawn to 50 Shades of Grey?

Honestly, I’ve read a lot of Christian commentary on 50 Shades of Grey, and the response is often something like: “it’s wrong, period!” People see the whips and the chains and the awful language and we’re horrified.

I agree that reading erotica is wrong and that it will harm your marriage. And this particular series glamourizes what is essentially a violent, abusive relationship (with shades of pedophilia in there, too).

Nevertheless, many women are drawn into the sexual fantasy about it.

But here’s the complicating factor: a lot of sin in our lives isn’t caused by sinful hearts as much as it is caused by brokenness–by deep places of hurt within ourselves. Remember when Jesus warned people not to be a stumbling block to one of his little ones and cause them to sin? He wasn’t denying that the little ones were sinning; but he was saying that the cause of that sin was not some evil on the part of the little ones, but some way that they had been hurt or harmed by someone else.

Brokenness is as much a cause of sin as our own sinful nature. Brokenness is dangerous.

And just like many men (and women) are tempted towards porn because they feel lonely and it gives them a sense of control, so there is something inside of many women which draws them towards this kind of erotica.

Pulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy, and the Longings of a Woman's HeartDannah Gresh and Juli Slattery do a great job in the book Pulling Back the Shades to explain why 50 Shades of Grey is so alluring to so many. But I want to take it even farther today. They talk about how women are looking for more excitement in their sex life; how they’re sick of being bored (among other things), and that’s all true. But that would apply to any kind of erotica or any kind of sex toys, etc. The simple fact is that there is something unique about this particular brand of erotica–this particular story of bondage and sado-masochism that has captivated millions. What is it? That’s what I want to figure out today, because I think when we understand the root we’ll understand the response.

Root #1: Feeling Alone

The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual ThoughtsIn her book The Fantasy Fallacy, Shannon Ethridge looks at how we all have sexual fantasies, and those fantasies are not all bad. Some, however, cross a line. But where do those fantasies come from? Our sexual self is very rooted in our identities, our fears, and our deepest longings. And those are shaped especially by our brokenness. So it’s hardly surprising that our sexual fantasies often say much about the state of our hearts.

When you look at the root of the fantasy appeal of 50 Shades of Grey, you can see a lot of brokenness.

Let’s start with this: The book centers on a naive 21-year-old who is alone in the world and just beginning her adult life.

Do you remember those years?

I do, and they weren’t pretty. They were the loneliest and scariest of my life. I didn’t know what I’d be doing. I didn’t know who I’d marry (or if I’d marry). I didn’t know if I’d be alone my whole life.

I have two daughters aged 17 and 20, and so I’m surrounded by them and by their friends. And this is a hard, horrible time for many of them. It’s just really unsettling. I wouldn’t want to go back at all.

And so, in the midst of feeling naive and unprepared for life, she meets this strong, confident billionaire (yes, billionaire. Good, realistic plotting isn’t exactly what this series is known for). She gets someone who will take care of her (even in a warped way). And that can be really intoxicating.

 Root #2: Feeling Like You Don’t Have To Be In Control

A lot of women are control freaks. It’s not necessarily because we want to be in control, though. It’s because there are so many things we’re desperately worried about, and because we’re multitaskers, we think about them all the time. We can’t get away from them. And because we worry so much, we feel like everything rests on our shoulders. If we don’t do all the right things, everything will fall apart.

That’s a heavy responsibility.

We feel responsible for making the right decisions about our kids. We feel responsible for our marriages, for our parents, for our friends. We feel responsible for keeping ministries going at church. We have so much on our shoulders.

Doesn’t being free of the burden of control sound intoxicating?

A while back I had some health scares and I had to go through a number of tests. I posted a Facebook update that I had had an MRI–and despite all the banging (MRIs are really loud) I almost fell asleep. It was one of the most relaxing times I’d had in ages! I got to lie there, and there was absolutely nothing I was allowed to do except be still. It was heaven. And all kinds of women echoed similar things.

So perhaps it’s no wonder that the whole idea of bondage and someone else being in control and making all the decisions appeals in a deep way to women. Many of us are wounded because we are carrying around burdens and cares that cannot and should not be our own.

Root #3: Dealing with Shame

Many of us are just plain ashamed of our sexuality. We equate being aggressive in bed or even enjoying ourselves with being slutty or being “bad”. It’s hard for us to initiate sex, or to tell our husbands what we want in bed.

Having a man that takes the choice out of it, then, is freeing. If he’s doing something TO you, and you can’t resist, then you’re free to enjoy yourself without having to admit that you’re somehow bad.

So those are many of the roots. They aren’t the only ones, but they’re the obvious ones. Do you see yourself in any of them? If you can understand why you may be drawn to these things, then it’s easier to fight against it. You don’t need to beat yourself up; you need to deal with the underlying brokenness.

Dealing with the Ugly Fruit

Remember, the root just shows us what our heart issues are. But when we let that root take hold and we let that grow, we can bear some awfully ugly fruit.

And that’s what happens with erotica like this. We may have reasons to be drawn to it, but when we read a lot of erotica, or watch it in movies, it clouds our fantasies. It starts to pair our sexual response with a fantasy rather than a person (our husbands), and just like porn does, it makes it harder to stay present with our husbands. We’re not making love with them; we’re using them while fantasies are going through our heads.

And those fantasies are hard to remove. Soon you need them even to get aroused. Not a good thing. And that’s when we cross the line from brokenness into sin.

Then there are those who will eventually start to act this stuff out. There’s a reason demand for bondage gear is growing. But when you start living this out in real life, you cement a relationship which is the farthest thing from truly intimate you can find. You create a violent, degrading relationship instead of a healthy meeting of two equals.

What Should Our Response to 50 Shades of Grey Be?

If you’re drawn to 50 Shades of Grey:

Recognize the reasons. Try to identify the roots of the appeal of the fantasy. Is it that you don’t want to be alone? Don’t want to feel in control all the time? Want to enjoy sex without feeling shame? If you can identify the root, then you can help heal any brokenness that’s there. You can run to God to work out your insecurities. You can work with your husband on how to feel more comfortable with your sexuality. You can start wrestling with God about how to trust Him in faith and not having to be so in control.

That’s a tall order, I know, because for many of us these roots run deep. Many porn addicts suffer from a similar thing. Their roots are often things like never being properly affirmed (in porn the women are always there and ready and eager), or never feeling like  you’re powerful enough. Sometimes a big part of defeating the temptation of these things is seeing the root.

If you’re talking with someone who is thinking of seeing the 50 Shades movie:

Explain the chemical process of how we start to pair sexual arousal with fantasy, and then we can’t get aroused in a relationship anymore. Tell her it’s a very similar physiological response as men with porn. And here’s what else happens: once we start using erotica, we tend to want more–and different. So we read weirder and weirder stuff that we would never have been drawn to before. It changes you in ways you don’t want.

Emphasize this rather than just “it’s sinful”. The “it’s sinful” doesn’t always help. Yes, it is, but sin has repercussions. If you explain the repercussions, it’s easier for people to see the danger.

The Pull for Porn & Erotica for Women Is Going to Escalate

Porn is a problem for men today in a way it never was before the internet. It was always a temptation, but it was never this widespread.

This is going to escalate for women now, too. We’re the next target. And it’s an easy progression from erotica to full blown porn.

So let’s start realizing that not all porn users are male, and that females struggle too. And let’s protect ourselves (and our daughters). Talk openly with your friends so that we make talking about this mainstream. Get filters on your computer. And fight against it!

Sex Can Be Fun–and Healthy!

So let’s spread the word that we don’t need bondage, whips and chains to have fun in bed! What we need is greater openness, less shame, and more intimacy.

31 Days to Great SexAnd that’s why on this Fight Back Against 50 Shades of Grey weekend I’m going to put 31 Days to Great Sex on for just $2.99 from my store (in .pdf) and on Kindle at Amazon.

I want to give you EVERY REASON to pick up this book. Seriously, it’s only 3 dollars! And it’s got 31 challenges you and your husband can do together to help you talk about sex again, explore more, flirt more, be more affectionate, and spice things up. And I have several days where we deal with all the junk that’s holding us back, too.

Already have it? Pick up a copy for a friend, or a sister, or a relative that is thinking of going to see the movie. Show them there’s another way!

31 Days 50 Shades Sale

Regaining Intimacy and Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction

Rebuilding Intimacy after a Porn Addiction: It can be done in your #marriage!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today Jennifer Ferguson, author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart, joins us to talk about regaining intimacy and rebuilding trust after her husband’s porn addiction.

Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple's Journey to Freedom from PornographyI did it was because I was afraid of losing him. I needed to remind him I was still there, still valuable, still able to please and satisfy him. Perhaps I needed a way to remind myself: I am still his wife. Don’t give up. Keep trying.

Each time I caught my husband, Craig, looking at porn, I would go through the same emotional cycle. At first, I would explode, wrath drenching us both, the slime of sin and shame dripping from our mouths and our hearts. Then, I would see his contrite heart, the doubting of himself and my love for him. My anger would recede and I’d try to show him the best way I knew how that I was willing to move on and try to forgive. And I’d offer myself to him on the bed.

But my offering was tainted. Sex is supposed to be a reminder of those wedding vows, the ones you took to love, honor, and cherish. This gift I was giving him wasn’t wrapped in intimacy and devotion. It was wrapped in fear and doubt.

  • I don’t want you to forget about me.
  • I’m trying to be everything you need.
  • I need you to tell me you think I’m enough.
  • I need you to tell me I’m more than porn.

It took a long path of healing for Craig and I to regain intimacy, emotionally and physically, with each other. Intimacy requires a level of trust and even though I could trust Craig with my body, I couldn’t trust him with my heart, the very place from which intimacy arises.

Not every partner has the same reaction to his/her spouse’s porn addiction. Some people are like me – they withdraw emotionally, but not physically. Some spouses withdraw physically, but are still able to give emotionally. And some are able to give nothing at all as porn wreaks havoc.

How do we regain intimacy with our partners when we are unsure if we can trust them? How do we give the gift of ourselves, physically and emotionally, when the act of betrayal could be just a few short steps away to another room? How do we give of ourselves if we are unsure if what we are giving will be received without comparison to something we know to which we can never measure up?

The truth is, this wasn’t something I could do on my own. I was too broken. My own baggage of self-worth and competition was too heavy and the anger I repressed because of my fear was always threatening to erupt. None of this was conducive to rebuilding intimacy. Also, part of the reason Craig turned to porn was because he felt inadequately prepared to address his own needs in relationships. He needed to learn how to communicate and press in instead of hiding and running away. We needed Jesus to show us how to let go and let each other in.

Here are some of the practical ways we started the rebuilding process that might work for you, too.

1. Remember when you first met

When you’re in the middle of fighting addiction, it easy to quickly get tripped up by fresh hurt and repressed pain. There are triggers all around and emotions run high. It was easy for me to return to places of anger and label him as “the porn addict who is ruining our marriage.” It was easy for Craig to interpret anything I said as controlling or manipulative. But when we took time to remember our relationship way back from the beginning, it interrupted our current vantage points and took us back in time. Recalling the first time we met, the first time we kissed, the first time we knew we were meant to be married helped us to see each other without all the current junk. It reminded us of the things we saw in each other that we dearly loved. It rekindled dormant feelings that were crucial in bringing us back to the foundation of our marriage – our love for each other and our love for God.

2. Converse. A lot.

Marriage, let alone overcoming addiction, takes a lot of intentional work and practice. Craig had to practice emotional intimacy because it was not only something he didn’t intuitively know how to do, but he was also afraid of it. He feared that if I knew the real him – the one with needs and emotions – I would dismiss him and not meet them. He had to learn to trust me with his emotional self. As he let me in, he realized his sharing made me embrace him all the more. Letting me see the fullness of who cleared a path so I could ask him things about his addiction. (How can pornography really not be about me? What kinds of things trigger you to turn to porn? How can you not compare me to then?) He realized that his behavior had a significant impact on me. And as he realized how much I cared for him, the more he wanted to be able to take care of me. In addition, the deeper our emotional connection went, the more I could physically be intimate without fear, anxiety, and constant comparisons going through my mind.

3. Be spontaneous–and don’t overanalyze!

When a good thought about your husband or your wife pops into your head, say it. If you aren’t in the same physical proximity, you can send a text. Or write it on a sticky note and hang it on the mirror. The more truth you can speak to each other and the more you can affirm your relationship, the stronger it will be. If you’re out shopping or running errands, see if your spouse can meet you for a quick cup of coffee or lunch. See a little something in the store that you know would bring delight? Buy it. When those good thoughts and ideas pop into your head, do not let Satan steal that moment of joy. Don’t weigh in your head whether or not he deserves it. Don’t stop to think if she is really in love with you or if she’ll be grateful. Push through with love and trust that God will use your act to grow much fruit in your marriage.

I know from experience these things are not easy to do, but they are worth it. And remember this: You weren’t meant to journey this road alone. If you need help, ask. Satan wants you to hide behind the shame of porn addiction, but when you utter the truth, you invite Jesus in.

JenniferFergusonPure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple's Journey to Freedom from PornographyJennifer Ferguson and her husband Craig are the authors of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.

 

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage advice for us today? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of your marriage post in the linky below!



The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

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Top 10 Mistakes I Made as a New Bride

Top 10 New Bride MistakesToday frequent reader and contributor Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today joins us with her top 10 mistakes–in the hopes that we won’t follow in her footsteps! Her first book released  yesterday on Amazon, and I think Ngina’s stuff is awesome. So I asked her to guest post for me, so I could spread the word about Blues to Bliss.

As a new bride I didn’t know much about marriage, the man I married, or myself.

But I thought I knew a lot. 

After almost seven years of marriage, now I can smile at some of my naive expectations and thoughts. But back then it was no smiling matter. I was steeped in new bride blues, I had no grace to give myself or my husband. And I did not understand that good wives are made over time, not over night.

Here are Top 10 things I did as a new bride that set our marriage on edge (and how not to follow in my steps!)

1. Scrubbing our house down the day he went back to work

And proudly proclaiming “I scrubbed the house down..and my back is killing me!” when he walked through the doors in the evening.

What he heard?

“Your (former) bachelor pad is filthy and it’s your fault I am in so much pain”
No man wants to feel like they hurt their wife, especially not from the wife herself! Or that they are dirty.

Over the years I have learned that it’s not so much what I have to say but how I say it and when I say it.

2. Thinking our first fight was the end of our marriage

Before marriage I heard “In marriage, God will either see both of you or none of you” I interpreted that to mean that Tommy and I had to be in perfect agreement all the time – no conflict or issues, certainly not sulking and being mad at each other for days at a time. When we stumbled into blues-ville, God would leave, to return once we sorted out our issues.

I battled hopelessness and despair. I thought our little love would limp for the rest of its life (because divorce was never an option). And I was mad with Tommy for messing up our spiritual life!

Over time, God would show me that every couple has issues, even the brand new ones! In fact it’s our issues that make us need Him. He would never leave us or forsake us, but we had to make a conscious intentional decision to invite Him into our messes. We (let me say, I) also had to learn how to put our messes in His hands. And leave them there.

3. Fearing to seek help

You know how you get married and everyone thinks you are swinging from the chandelier in excitement, all day, every day? And if you happened to have received excellent premarital counseling from mentors, you feel awful about going back to them with issues because you reckon that’s like saying “Your advice and effort not work”.

Yup. I did not yet understand pre-wedding mentoring is advance preparation; it does not wipe out possibilities of marital challenges, it equips you to handle them.

Our mentors understood that challenges would come and they wanted us to consult them and not feel ashamed. Me, I needed to get over my pride and say “Er, I am having a hard time following this guy because I think he doesn’t like me anymore”

4. Forcing him to stay up late in the night to resolve conflict.

I was the in-your-face-we-can’t-sleep-till-we-talk-about-this new bride. My husband was the melancholic, conflict averse we-don’t-have-to-talk-about-this-now-or-ever new groom.To say that we had hot debates would be incorrect because many times I would be having hot debates all by myself, while he sat and brooded.

Especially when I elbowed him at 2 am in the morning with “I can’t sleep, we must talk!”

You can’t always iron out conflicts the first time you try. And since God is always interested in real peace, not fake peace that comes from sweeping things under the carpet or rushing through resolution to get back to your “nice Christian lives”, He doesn’t mind us working through challenges slowly, so we can get  to the bottom of things. He’s not worried or intimidated when it takes a couple of sittings – or days – to iron out the creases and crooks.

5. Ironing his clothes

On the week my husband returned to work, I ironed all his work shirts, polished his shoes and proudly pointed it out when he came home in the evening. I was so proud of myself.

My husband plucked everything from my hands, walked away and told me not do that again.

Husbands are different. I thought all good wives take care of their men in that way. But mine likes to pick his clothes, iron them, polish his shoes and generally take care of himself.

Now that I am slightly older in marriage, I am beyond grateful that my man likes to take care of himself like that! ‘Cause there are many who prefer to be helped in that area (and nothing wrong with that by the way). My lesson? Don’t import everything you hear, just because it works in someone else’s marriage doesn’t mean it will work in yours.

6. Thinking I had nothing to give

Because of our not-so-few-squabbles, I felt disqualified from helping others. I also felt the pressure to be perfect in order to mentor and walk with other courting couples, brides-to-be and newly-weds.

I would learn that  it’s my messy marriage that gave me a message, my hurts and lessons enabled me to empathize. Without experiential lessons, I would be an empty gong; trying to take others where I had never been.

Now I know that early marriage adjustments and challenges are good because they keep you on your knees and make of you an effective messenger of God’s love.

7. Worrying about disappointing others

Not too long in marriage someone came to me and told me she’d heard my husband and I were very unhappy. And this person was so disappointed because “If she (Ngina) had waited so well and yet ended up in an unhappy marriage, then marriage is no good at all”.

I was shocked that someone imagined I was miserable. Why? Was it that time I cried during worship? Is it the way I am wearing my hair, do I look unhappy? If others think we are unhappy, are we unhappy? We don’t agree on everything, does that mean we should always agree? She’s a single person, what other singles have I disappointed, how will this affect them for the rest of their life? 

I was an irrational mess.

Marriage is not perfect. Ours was not, still isn’t, perfect. Though we get better, you never really eliminate challenges.Fortunately the only person we need to be doing marriage for is God. He’s the Author–our happiness and joy and impacting others is a result of living for Him and doing marriage His way.

My lesson? Don’t take responsibility for other peoples’ opinions and disappointments, even their joy!

8. Making my husband the source of my happiness

I don’t know how we stumble into this idea as new brides. But somewhere between the glories of a courtship filled with chivalry and sweetness and the crescendo of the engagement and a wedding, we start imagining that our husbands are responsible for our happiness and joy. We are crushed when they disappoint (because they do at about Week 1 of marriage).

We start wondering if we made a mistake and how to correct it. I learned quickly  that I married a fellow human being. If I wanted happiness and joy, I had to go get it myself!–from God, not from a human being. Tommy was, still is, the most amazing man, but He cannot supply what I need to get from God. I have to remove that impossible expectation on him and look to God to meet all my needs.

9. Having no life outside “us”

I had just resigned my job of 7 years, I had nothing going on in terms of a career. I  “lost” 99.9% of my friends when I got married. I was broke. And I was a newlywed! (isn’t that why we get married anyway, to have a forever best friend?!). But while Tommy was the greatest guy and the best gift that ever happened to me since Jesus, he made for a terrible girlfriend. And the sad thing was, he was not even trying to improve. I had high expectations, but over time I would learn that I need other women in my life–I need activities. I need to cultivate  passions and goals outside my marriage–not to compete with my marriage, but so I could be balanced and purpose-filled.

10. Expecting great sex without intentional involvement 

I expected my husband to know how to make the bedroom exciting without my involvement. “He’s the guy; he knows how to make things work.” I was a passive new bride. And it made for disappointments before I started making serious mental adjustments.

Guys like to know what is working and not working in the bedroom–not in harsh critical ways, mind you, but through loving practical feedback. When they operate in the blind, they tend to give their wives what they think they need. And that’s not always a good thing.

The wise bride learns (and the emphasis here is learns) to speak and communicate and respond to her husband, not lie back and expect fireworks without effort.

Ngina OtiendeNgina Otiende is the author of the newly released book, “Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily-ever-after in the Early Years“. In the book she talks about her early marriage challenges and how God transformed their relationship through intentional effort and grace.  Ngina blogs at IntentionalToday.com where she equips the early-wed wife with tools and resources to create intentional happily-ever afters. Connect with Ngina on Facebook, and Pinterest