Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction

Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction

I get a lot of reader’s questions like this one:

I found out about my husband of 5 years had been addicted to porn and caught him by innocently searching through his photos on his phone while nursing my son in bed one morning.  I regularly asked to use his phone, so my looking through it was nothing unusual at all. The difference this time is he forgot to hide his stuff apparently this time. We have had MANY hard conversations since then. He’s been getting help, hasn’t looked at it since July (when I caught him) and has been genuinely turning his life around and back to the Lord.  Here’s my issue.  I still don’t trust him yet. I’ve forgiven him but trusting him again is something that takes a lot of work and time. We aren’t at that point yet. Is it possible to respect him without trust?  I do try but he doesn’t feel it anymore. I know it’s incredibly important to show respect and even biblical. I guess maybe I don’t know what respect truly is? I’m being the best I know how to be while feeling so broken but it doesn’t seem enough. Please help, I’m so confused.

And here is one woman’s answer to rebuilding trust after a porn addiction…welcome Jen Ferguson from Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood

I was in my bed sobbing uncontrollably.  The revelation hit me in the gut and never have I felt so alone as I did in that moment. The reality of my life hit me: I cannot trust anyone not to let me down.

Thankfully, with the new morning came new light into my darkness: No one is infallible. Everyone makes mistakes, including me. People will fail me, but this does not make all relationships destined for failure.

That wisdom right there seemed to right my sinking ship. Suddenly, I had gone from shipwrecked to being fortified with a grace I hadn’t known I was withholding from people in my life, primarily from my husband. For years we had battled together against his porn addictionNever did I consider divorce, but looking back at it, never did I consider living into the fullness of marriage again, either. For years I could not bear to think about trusting Craig again.

Could I ever stop my suspicions he would one day return to porn?  Would I ever be able to talk to him about his addiction without accusation and fear?  The truth was, I could give him my body in the bedroom, but could I ever truly again give him my heart?

Realizing my own fallibilities was the first step in helping me to rebuild trust in my husband. How many times had I hurt him over and over in the same manner?  I was not a white lamb in this relationship. My blemishes, though different than his, were still sins for which I needed forgiveness and grace. It was me that was placing his sin on a grander scale than my own. This was certainly not how God saw it.  Sin is sin.

Rebuilding trust was a dual effort for us. Yes, he had betrayed me by using pornography and needed to show me that he was actively pursing a life without it. But, truthfully, I had lost some of his trust, too. When I first discovered his porn addiction, I went into “control” mode. I watched over his every move. I accused him before listening to him. I became a parent instead of a spouse. I let my anger rule my words.  We both had to come to a place of acknowledging our own needs for forgiveness and recognize our marriage wouldn’t thrive without a foundation of trust.

Four Steps to Go from Ruin to Reunion

1. He communicates with me and I listen.

One of Craig’s major triggers that would propel him into his porn addiction cycle was stress.  When things felt too hard or too much, when he felt as though he was at risk for failing or rejection, he would shut me out and get lost in the world of porn for release and escape.  Before he really became invested in freedom, I would ask him questions, knowing something was wrong, and he would simply give me a pat answer like “things are busy at work.”  Now, he knows I know when something is bothering him and he is willing to sit down with me and be real and honest with what is happening and how he is responding to those situations.

2.  I respond with wisdom and he listens. 

One day, Craig’s friend invited him over to watch the TV show, Game of Thrones. I happened to see part of one episode the previous season and I knew there was nudity in it.  When I saw the invitation on Craig’s computer, my first reaction (that thankfully, I kept in my head) was “No! You can’t do that! It’s not good for you!”  If I had said that, I would have regressed back into my fear-based, parenting-like behavior, where he felt disrespected.  Instead, I simply told him how I thought the show might trigger him back into porn and asked him to pray about whether or not he should view the show. He ended up not going, not because I demanded him to stay home, but because God led him to the conclusion that it would not be conducive to his walk toward freedom. He felt respected by the fact that I asked him to fully consider the ramifications and seek God instead of shouting at him about what he should or shouldn’t do.

3.  He accepts accountability.

I know the password to all of Craig’s electronic devices and have permission at any time to view anything on them. There is a password on our cable account that restricts adult entertainment access and MA-rated television shows and movies that only I have (which he asked me to put on). He has a regular group of friends he can count on to pray for him and from whom he seeks counsel. All of these things give me tangible ways to see that he is trying to keep himself safe from things that could easily ensnare him.

4. We forgive each other continually.

We must make it a practice to forgive and extend grace. We will both mess up in a variety of ways, but instead of using these mistakes as ammunition against each other to try to prove that we are not trustworthy, we choose to use them so to practice the character of Jesus, who always extends forgiveness.

Rebuilding trust does not happen overnight and it can feel like an impossible goal, but with God, anything is possible. Trust is a crucial piece to your marriage and it will not thrive without it. God knows this and He will actively help you rebuild it. You’re not in it alone.

 

Jen FergusonJen Ferguson is passionate about Jesus, her husband, and her two girls. She is the facilitator of The Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood and loves to encourage women to bring their true selves out into the light.  She is the co-author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.  

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! Have some marriage advice? Leave a comment, or link up a URL of your own Wifey Wednesday marriage post in the linky below!

This Wifey Wednesday we talk about how to rebuild when he’s the one who has sinned sexually. Next Wednesday we’ll look at how to rebuild trust when it’s been you–especially if you’ve been withholding sex, and now you want to change but your husband doesn’t trust you yet.



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Wifey Wednesday: My Husband Watches Nudity on TV

My husband watches nudity on TV--like Game of Thrones--what do I do? Some thoughts.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d tackle a subject I get asked about a lot: what about nudity on TV? What do you do if your husband watches shows like Game of Thrones?

About a decade ago now my husband and I decided to start watching the HBO series Rome. Keith’s really into ancient history, and we heard that the series did a great job recreating what life would have been like. We watched the first episode and there was a LOT of sex and nudity. We fast forwarded through all those scenes.

By the second episode we realized we were fast forwarding a good half of the show. And the plotlines were really gross–a mom trying to “sell” her daughter to a man to be his wife; a 13-year-old being sold into sex slavery (and the actress looked 13, too). We just thought it was too gross and we never made it to episode 3.

What do you do, though, if your husband doesn’t share your views on this? One reader recently wrote me saying:

My husband is an avid TV watcher. He loves catching up on his shows and looks at his TV time as his “me” time. The TV itself, however, isn’t the problem. He doesn’t spend too much time watching TV and he doesn’t neglect his responsibilities or our family to do it. The problem that I am having with the TV shows right now is the content – specifically the graphic nudity that is in a good portion of the shows he is watching.

The thought of my husband seeing another woman naked makes me feel sick. He claims that when a naked woman comes on screen, he immediately looks away. While I am inclined to believe him, I’m still not comfortable with him seeing anyone other than me naked at all! This fight has become bitter and has permeated into our whole marriage, because he feels like I am trying to control him, and I feel like he is completely disregarding my feelings when he engages in these TV shows.

I guess my question is, what is the line when it comes to the things that we view on TV or in movies? Am I overreacting about the nudity, as long as he is not “lusting” after the naked woman? Should he respect my feelings and stop watching the shows, or should I stop being angry every time he watches them?

So let’s look at how to handle disagreements about what is okay to watch.

1. Pray that God will convict him that watching other naked women is wrong

I asked on my Facebook Page yesterday what people thought that she should do, and the number one answer was “pray”. Pray that God will convict him and show him it is wrong, and I do totally agree. When God convicts, it’s so much easier to quit. I read books and watched shows when I was younger that I never would now because my conscience wasn’t as sensitive. Pray that God will show him.

And give this some time–perhaps a few weeks–while you pray about how to react and how to prepare your own heart so you’re acting for his good and for the good of the marriage, not just out of anger.

I’ve been going through an odyssey with prayer lately in my own life, and let me tell you–when you decide to pray wholeheartedly for something, it is amazing how often things happen! What if your husband is in a spiritual battle, and he needs you to fight on his behalf for a time? Really take some time and pray hard! You may find that the problem goes away, and you’ll learn a lot more about prayer in the process.

2. Don’t tolerate your husband watching graphic nudity

At the same time, though, we aren’t to tolerate sin. And tolerating sin when it is damaging to the person isn’t helping them; it’s hurting them. If you see someone about to walk off a cliff, and you do nothing, you’re hurting them. Give prayer a chance to change his heart and yours, but at some point we need to stand up and DO something.

One woman wrote this on Facebook:

Game of Thrones, Spartacus, and shows similar aren’t just sinful for their blantant sex and nudity, but for rape, incest, prostitution, possible pedophilia, disregard and disrespect towards women, completely ungodly themes, extreme unnecessary violence, etc. If he was haunting a porn site we wouldn’t be telling her not to nag and asking her to examine how she feels. This stuff IS porn and more.  It is from the pits of hell and she has every right to extract it from her home or pray that God does. She can’t stop him from watching it, but she can insist it does NOT belong in their home. Tell him to find another way to decompress.

I completely agree. Some things are borderline, but there are some sins that are extremely blatant. Many of these shows are pornographic–and even the parts that don’t show nudity show things that are sinful and awful. There is no reason to watch it, and it is wrong, and it should not be in your home, period.

3. But I Don’t Want to Nag!

And here’s the crux of the issue. This woman has already made it an issue with her husband. She has told him she doesn’t want him watching it, he says that he does, and they go round and round and never resolve anything.

So let’s look first at other ways to talk about it.

Focus the conversation on your reaction to the show, not on whether he should be watching it

If you focus the conversation around “it’s pornography and you shouldn’t be watching it”, then you’ll get into an argument about whether or not it really qualifies, and you can’t win that.

Instead, talk about the real issue, which is this: “I feel disrespected and humiliated when you watch that, and I don’t know why you want to do something which makes me feel disrespected and humiliated. When you watch that, I feel sad. I feel ugly. I feel like you don’t care about me and don’t really love me. I understand that you enjoy it, but if I enjoyed something that hurt you this much I would never do it. The fact that you don’t care about how it makes me feel hurts me in the extreme. Do you think that it is appropriate for you to do something which hurts me like this?”

He needs to understand what he is doing to you. Often refocusing the conversation around feelings rather than sin is more productive. He can’t debate how you feel; that is a fact. And you don’t need to be angry when you share it, either. You’re sad, you’re sharing your feelings because you want him to understand how serious it is.

4. Set Clear Boundaries

As another Facebook commenter said (who also happens to be a real life friend), “break the TV!”

I think she has a point.

Jesus says that if an eye causes us to sin we should pluck it out. If a hand causes us to sin we should cut it off. If a TV is causing you to sin, then, it makes sense to get rid of the TV.

But you don’t HAVE to do that. There are other things that one can do as well. But I think too often we, as wives, think that because we’re women and we’re married for life if we disagree on something there is really nothing we can do but live with it. Not true at all. Whatever you tolerate will continue.

Whatever you tolerate will continue. #marriagetip

We can choose not to tolerate many things without divorcing our husbands or even disrespecting our husbands.

You can say something like, “I understand that you want to watch these shows, and should you choose to watch them, I will be extremely hurt, but I will understand. I will ask, however, that you do not do so inside our home. If you are going to be disrespectful towards me, I would ask that you do it somewhere else.”

That is not being disrespectful towards him. You are honoring his right to make his choices, but you are also acknowledging that you have the right to make choices.

You can talk about getting rid of the TV, or you can talk about removing yourself (and perhaps the children) from the premises when he chooses to watch these shows.

Alternatively, you can say, “On the nights that you watch those shows, I would ask that you also sleep separately from me. It hurts me to be near to you when you have treated me this way, and when you are close to me afterwards, I have no way of knowing if you are thinking about me or thinking about the person on the screen. I love sleeping next to you and I want to sleep next to you always, but I can’t sleep when you are doing something like this.”

Then you stop talking about it and you just start doing. You’re not nagging. He’s made his choice, and you’ve made yours. On the nights that he doesn’t watch TV, be nice to him! Be giving to him! Have a great time together and don’t punish him for it.

You’re not controlling him–he can choose to do what he wants to do. But you also can choose to do what you want to do, and his actions will have consequences for your actions.

Which approach should you take? I have no idea. It really depends on you, your marriage, and your personalities. But this idea that all we can do is tell him, “I really don’t like it when you do that”, and then we should keep our mouths shut, is not scriptural.

In Matthew 18, we’re told what to do if someone sins against us. We go to them first. If that doesn’t work, we go to one or two others and ask them to help intervene for us. And if that doesn’t work, we go to the whole church. What we don’t do is just tolerate it.

I’ve written before that this applies to marriage as well–we’re to be wives, not enablers. When you do nothing, you enable sin.

What General Principles can we take from this about resolving conflict?

Here are a few quick things:

1. Focus on your feelings, rather than the infraction.

2. Leave some time for God to convict.

3. If the problem persists, change your own behaviour.

4. If the problem still persists, bring in a mentor couple or a pastor.

The problem I have with a lot of marriage advice is that it stops at #2. And then people are stuck just feeling like they’re nagging and not getting anywhere.

I wonder how many divorces could have been avoided if people used good conflict resolution early and stopped tolerating things that are wrong?

We start tolerating little things, these little things escalate, and soon we have a huge problem.

Boundaries in MarriageYou don’t have to make things into World War III, but some things just need to be done for the good of the marriage, and for the good of your husband’s soul. Not everything is that big a deal, of course, but some things are. And the principle here isn’t just the nudity; it’s the fact that he’s choosing to hurt her terribly. That can’t be tolerated, either.

I know what I’m saying is controversial, but I’m also trying to be helpful. If you want more information on how to deal with problems like this calmly and properly, I’d really recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage or The Emotionally Healthy Woman.

Now, let me know (and let me have it, since I know many will disagree with me), what do you do if your husband is doing something that is endangering his spiritual life and the marriage?

Wifey Wednesday: Does God Like Men Better? Why It’s Hard for Women to Reach Orgasm

Why is it so hard for women to orgasm, and so easy for men? Thoughts on why God made us this way!Does God just like men better?

It’s Wednesday, the day that we always talk marriage! And today, in our lead up to Valentine’s Day, I want to address an often unspoken question when it comes to sex: Why did God make it so easy for a man to climax, and so difficult for a woman? How is that fair?

When I speak around North America giving my Girl Talk on marriage, sex, and intimacy (I’m in Texas this week!), I always include an anonymous Q&A portion of the night. Women can write questions on little pieces of paper, and I take a stab at answering them. And in every church I’ve been to–large or small, rural or urban, young or old–the questions are almost always pretty much the same. And at least one has to do with orgasm.

Why is orgasm so easy for a guy, and so hard for a woman?

Good Girls Guide My SiteWhen I was writing The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed 2000 women. And I found that about 64% of women usually or always reached orgasm during intercourse. But that leaves 36% of women who rarely or never, or only sometimes do. If I limit the pool to just those who have been married for 5 years or less, 41% of women have difficulty.

I’m pretty sure the number of men who have difficulty reaching orgasm is about 10 times less.

And if you’re a woman who has ever laid in bed thinking desperately, “will this be the night?”, you know how frustrating it is.

Then sex becomes this pass/fail thing: if you don’t climax, you didn’t do it right. And you feel like the failure, because he ALWAYS has fun. (If your husband does have performance issues, though, I do have a series on that). He’s disappointed, you’re disappointed, and sex seems like so much work! In the media everyone seems to love sex, but you figure they’re pretending. Or they’re deluded. Or you’re just broken.

You’re not. You’re really not! There totally is hope.

31 Days to Great SexI’ve talked before on the blog about how to reach orgasm, and I have tons of tips in The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex. I’ll summarize really, really quickly, but my top 5 points would be:

1. Use lots of foreplay

Before you even start intercourse, touch each other a lot. Get yourself really excited, even if that means that you take control by rubbing against him.

2. Use lubrication

It can be much easier to get aroused if you’re well-lubricated! Coconut oil or Astroglide work well.

3. Bring him to orgasm earlier in the day

Just so that he’s able to last longer, and it can be more about you!

4. Breathe and think of it like surfing

You want to ride the wave, not get in front of the wave. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense if you rarely orgasm, but the more worked up you get about it, the less likely it is to happen. If you can focus on feeling pleasure and letting your body almost sink into the pleasure, then it’s more likely you’ll ride it to the top!

5. Remember angle matters

Most arousal in women is caused by clitoral stimulation, not vaginal stimulation. So change the angle so that you are getting stimulated at the right spot. Lying flat on your back (or with a pillow under your head) in the missionary position is often the WORST position for this type of stimulation. Engaging your muscles to tilt your hips up, or using a different position, is often better.

Okay, there’s more in the books, but that’s just a few pointers. The bigger issue I want to deal with today, though, is why do we even need posts like this? Why is it so tricky for women? What on earth could possibly be the purpose of us being made in this way? Is our difficulty in climaxing a result of the fall or something?

Nope. I actually think God had a purpose when He created us like this. And here it is:

1. Satisfying Sex Requires Communication

For us to reach climax, we need to be touched in a very particular way. We need to be touched in a very specific spot. We need that touch gentle at first and then more pressing and urgent.

And so we need to communicate that to our husbands.

That’s hard. Telling him what we want requires first of all that we actually know what we want, and many women don’t. We get married with very little knowledge of what feels good or how our bodies work (that’s true whether we’re virgins or not; most sexual encounters when you’re young are not sexually satisfying, and that can solidify some ignorance about how to feel good).

So we have to learn about ourselves, and then we have to tell him. That’s right: we have to tell him something that nobody else knows about us. We have to open up and pull back the curtain and show him the most primitive part of ourselves; the part we try to hide. And that’s why:

2. Communication Requires Vulnerability

To tell him what we want means that we are willing to let down our defences and get real with our husbands. It means that we share the most private parts of ourselves, and we allow ourselves to even acknowledge those parts. We can’t pretend to be in control all the time. We can’t be prim and proper. We have to empty ourselves, bare ourselves, and let go.

And that’s why:

3. Vulnerability Requires Trust

In order to be that bare with someone we need to trust them–trust them that they love us, that they will keep this private, that they actually care and want to see inside of us.

This trust is often built over time, and that’s one reason, I think, that women tend to have more fun in the bedroom the longer they’ve been married. We’ve learned to trust, which means we can be vulnerable, which means that we can fully communicate now. We’re not ashamed and embarrassed.

The Big Picture on Women, Orgasm, and Why God Made Us This Way

So let’s take a step back now and look at the big picture.

What if God made us so that we responded sexually as easily as men did? There would not be the same need to work on the relationship. We wouldn’t have this need to be vulnerable, to grow trust, to learn how to confront our own inner fears and insecurities and bring them to light for healing. Our relationships would be very shallow.

The way that we are made ensures that if two people are going to have an awesome sex life, they are going to have to grow other parts of their relationship, too. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. That sounds like a great marriage to me!

Why Do Married Women Have More Fun?

And this is why my study, as well as many others, have shown that married women enjoy sex more. Our world sells anonymous encounters as the highest on the sexy totem pole. But when you can’t open up and be vulnerable, you’re missing one of the keys to great sexual response. Our response is tied into our ideas of intimacy. Without real intimacy, something will always be missing.

The Good News Moving Forward

So here’s the good news, ladies!

You all can reach orgasm. Really. It may be more difficult for some. It may take years (it did for me). It may take a lot of practice and a lot of trying. But anatomically, there is no reason to think that you can’t. Just grow your relationship, calm down and don’t get too uptight about it, and read books on how to make it more likely. And then make it a really fun research project you do with your husband!

And when you do get to the point that you’re achieving orgasm usually or always, here’s some more good news: women have more intense orgasms. We can have multiple ones, which can last for quite a long period of time–far longer than his. Inasmuch as researchers can figure this out, we may have more difficulty getting there, but once we’re there–we have the capacity for more!

So don’t despair. God doesn’t like men better. He just made us differently so that we would have a reason to grow our relationship. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. Work on those things this Valentine’s Day, and you may find even more fireworks than you had planned!

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! Have some marriage advice? Leave a comment, or link up a URL of your own Wifey Wednesday marriage (or Valentine’s Day) post in the linky below!

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.




Regaining Intimacy and Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction

Rebuilding Intimacy after a Porn Addiction: It can be done in your #marriage!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today Jennifer Ferguson, author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart, joins us to talk about regaining intimacy and rebuilding trust after her husband’s porn addiction.

Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple's Journey to Freedom from PornographyI did it was because I was afraid of losing him. I needed to remind him I was still there, still valuable, still able to please and satisfy him. Perhaps I needed a way to remind myself: I am still his wife. Don’t give up. Keep trying.

Each time I caught my husband, Craig, looking at porn, I would go through the same emotional cycle. At first, I would explode, wrath drenching us both, the slime of sin and shame dripping from our mouths and our hearts. Then, I would see his contrite heart, the doubting of himself and my love for him. My anger would recede and I’d try to show him the best way I knew how that I was willing to move on and try to forgive. And I’d offer myself to him on the bed.

But my offering was tainted. Sex is supposed to be a reminder of those wedding vows, the ones you took to love, honor, and cherish. This gift I was giving him wasn’t wrapped in intimacy and devotion. It was wrapped in fear and doubt.

  • I don’t want you to forget about me.
  • I’m trying to be everything you need.
  • I need you to tell me you think I’m enough.
  • I need you to tell me I’m more than porn.

It took a long path of healing for Craig and I to regain intimacy, emotionally and physically, with each other. Intimacy requires a level of trust and even though I could trust Craig with my body, I couldn’t trust him with my heart, the very place from which intimacy arises.

Not every partner has the same reaction to his/her spouse’s porn addiction. Some people are like me – they withdraw emotionally, but not physically. Some spouses withdraw physically, but are still able to give emotionally. And some are able to give nothing at all as porn wreaks havoc.

How do we regain intimacy with our partners when we are unsure if we can trust them? How do we give the gift of ourselves, physically and emotionally, when the act of betrayal could be just a few short steps away to another room? How do we give of ourselves if we are unsure if what we are giving will be received without comparison to something we know to which we can never measure up?

The truth is, this wasn’t something I could do on my own. I was too broken. My own baggage of self-worth and competition was too heavy and the anger I repressed because of my fear was always threatening to erupt. None of this was conducive to rebuilding intimacy. Also, part of the reason Craig turned to porn was because he felt inadequately prepared to address his own needs in relationships. He needed to learn how to communicate and press in instead of hiding and running away. We needed Jesus to show us how to let go and let each other in.

Here are some of the practical ways we started the rebuilding process that might work for you, too.

1. Remember when you first met

When you’re in the middle of fighting addiction, it easy to quickly get tripped up by fresh hurt and repressed pain. There are triggers all around and emotions run high. It was easy for me to return to places of anger and label him as “the porn addict who is ruining our marriage.” It was easy for Craig to interpret anything I said as controlling or manipulative. But when we took time to remember our relationship way back from the beginning, it interrupted our current vantage points and took us back in time. Recalling the first time we met, the first time we kissed, the first time we knew we were meant to be married helped us to see each other without all the current junk. It reminded us of the things we saw in each other that we dearly loved. It rekindled dormant feelings that were crucial in bringing us back to the foundation of our marriage – our love for each other and our love for God.

2. Converse. A lot.

Marriage, let alone overcoming addiction, takes a lot of intentional work and practice. Craig had to practice emotional intimacy because it was not only something he didn’t intuitively know how to do, but he was also afraid of it. He feared that if I knew the real him – the one with needs and emotions – I would dismiss him and not meet them. He had to learn to trust me with his emotional self. As he let me in, he realized his sharing made me embrace him all the more. Letting me see the fullness of who cleared a path so I could ask him things about his addiction. (How can pornography really not be about me? What kinds of things trigger you to turn to porn? How can you not compare me to then?) He realized that his behavior had a significant impact on me. And as he realized how much I cared for him, the more he wanted to be able to take care of me. In addition, the deeper our emotional connection went, the more I could physically be intimate without fear, anxiety, and constant comparisons going through my mind.

3. Be spontaneous–and don’t overanalyze!

When a good thought about your husband or your wife pops into your head, say it. If you aren’t in the same physical proximity, you can send a text. Or write it on a sticky note and hang it on the mirror. The more truth you can speak to each other and the more you can affirm your relationship, the stronger it will be. If you’re out shopping or running errands, see if your spouse can meet you for a quick cup of coffee or lunch. See a little something in the store that you know would bring delight? Buy it. When those good thoughts and ideas pop into your head, do not let Satan steal that moment of joy. Don’t weigh in your head whether or not he deserves it. Don’t stop to think if she is really in love with you or if she’ll be grateful. Push through with love and trust that God will use your act to grow much fruit in your marriage.

I know from experience these things are not easy to do, but they are worth it. And remember this: You weren’t meant to journey this road alone. If you need help, ask. Satan wants you to hide behind the shame of porn addiction, but when you utter the truth, you invite Jesus in.

JenniferFergusonPure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple's Journey to Freedom from PornographyJennifer Ferguson and her husband Craig are the authors of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.

 

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage advice for us today? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of your marriage post in the linky below!



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Wifey Wednesday: 3 Keys to a Great Date Night

Perfect Date Night

What makes a perfect date night?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up in the linky below.

True AgapeAnd today, Cassie Celestain from True Agape is joining us to talk about the 3 keys to a perfect date night. She’s the author of Creating True Agape: 20 At Home Dates.

It is time for a date night! Probably long overdue, but you have finally put your foot down to make a date happen. Seeing how it has been a while since you and your husband have had alone time your mind is spinning about with all the possibilities. This does happen to you too, right? Please tell me I am not alone!

My husband, Ryan, and I keep tight schedules. Between his day job, motivational speaking on the side, working towards becoming a professional triathlete and our marriage blog, True Agape we stay busy. Oh and I almost forgot…our 6 month old! Since my primary Love Language is Quality Time I could take a date night once a week, but that just doesn’t happen. Instead, we opt in to have dinner together every night to ensure we connect daily, but then have a date every few weeks.

When we align everything up just perfectly (a few weeks ahead of time, of course) to have a date I have such a hard time deciding what kind of date we should do. Movie? Fancy restaurant? Double date? Shopping? Cuddle at home? Sex session? Bike ride? There are just so many options! I do believe, however, you can choose the wrong date. Dates should be chosen with a purpose in mind.

Why dates with a purpose?

With anything else in our lives when we want a certain outcome we plan accordingly to get there. We want to run a 5k so we start a training program. We want chicken lasagna for dinner so we find a recipe and shop for ingredients. For an end result, we have to prepare.

Dates are the same way! At the end of the date do you as a couple need to be relaxed, have reevaluated goals, connected intimately, or just have had a little fun and variety? Think about what end result you would like, then consider what kind of dates have the best odds to get you there.

3 tips for choosing the right date

Know Each Other’s Love Languages

I think knowing each other’s Love Language is not only important for date planning, but vital for marriages in general! There are three ways to find out your husband’s Love Language. When you know your mates Love Language you know how he feels loved the most. You can then take this into consideration when planning your time together. Choosing a date highlighting your Love Languages will make you two feel more connected and appreciated at the end of your date.

Ryan’s primary Love Language is Words of Affirmations closely followed by Physical Touch. When he needs his love tank filled we will often do dinner and something that helps us to connect physically. Dinner without baby allows us to check in with each other on our goals and projects which gives me opportunities to praise his efforts. Then, we cuddle at home while we watch a movie or do an at home spa night. When I feel like we need to connect I prefer one on one time. I enjoy dates where Ryan’s full attention is on us and what we are doing.

Know Each Other’s Current Needs

Sometimes when a date time comes around we know that as a couple we need time together. Really examine why you feel like that. Is it for the need to connect by communication? Really getting to talk other than day to day to-do’s? Or do you know your guys is having a stressful time at work and could use a fun outing? Maybe it’s the fact that your sex has been interrupted by little ones several times. Now you have the chance to seduce your man for as long as the two of you want! When starting to plan your date be aware of both of your needs.

With our little one just 6 month old we have been adjusting to the lifestyle of parenthood. That comes with responsibilities of caring for someone else’s life. Although it is an adventure every day we needed a different kind of adventure! We wanted to get out, have fun and not have to worry about much. We sent the baby off for her first overnight stay with grandma and decided to play laser tag. A carefree date night was just the kind of outing we needed!

Know Your Circumstances

When you know the circumstances and keep them in mind you have better odds of planning a date that will be enjoyable. If your goal is to stick to a budget going out to a fancy place unplanned could cause stress or tension. If your sitter needs to be gone the same time the movie would finish that probably is not be the best choice. If you both have been on the go a lot going out might not be as pleasant as a date night at home. Be sure to take circumstances like time, money and energy into account.

On the same date night mentioned above we decided to go a little date crazy. It was our first night without the baby and we planned to take full advantage of the evening! Our plan was laser tag, a movie, dinner and some intimate time. Talk about a busy evening. But it was all going to work perfectly until our planned movie time was sold out. We were trying to decide if we would watch the movie at a later play time or just skip it. In the end we decided to skip it. We were looking forward to sometime in the bedroom without fear of waking the baby. Along with a nice long night of sleep, of course! Going to the later showing would have put a hamper on those parts of the plan.

With our busy schedule often times our parents help us by watching our baby when we have business appointments or travels. When the times arise that they can watch our girl for us to go on a date Ryan and I have to make sure we are choosing the best date. We plan a date with a purpose by keeping in mind our Love Languages, needs and circumstances. At the end of our dates we feel more connected and rejuvenated. We’re encouraged to continue being each other’s help mate to the best of our abilities. And we are left looking forward to the next date night we have together!

What tips can you share that help you choose the right date night?

 

Cassie Celestain from True AgapeCassie Celestain is a wife, mom, runner and a marriage and family blogger at TrueAgape. She believes respect, trust, understanding and willingness creates happy marriages and families. She strives to keep those things the main focus in her daily life and wants to challenge others to do the same. You can get her free 6 page guide “The Secret to Making your Husband Feel Loved”now.

 

True AgapeWant to date with a purpose? Cassie’s book Creating True Agape gives you 20 at home date ideas for you and your hubby! They get you talking, get you dreaming, and get you in the mood! Great ideas and printables for all kinds of meaningful nights you can have right in your own home–without having to hire a baby-sitter. Keep connected in your marriage this year. Check it out!

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! What marriage advice do you have for us? Just link up the URL of your own marriage post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these great marriage posts!



31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.


Wifey Wednesday: Don’t Stay Pure Until You’re Married

When you read that title of the post, you probably thought I meant this:

Don’t stay PURE until you’re MARRIED.

But what if I actually meant this:

Don’t stay pure UNTIL you’re married.

The until makes all the difference.

In the church, that’s the message we’ve been giving young people: you stay pure UNTIL you’re married. But what does that mean? That once you tie the knot, your purity is somehow lost? That implies that sex once you’re married is somehow impure. That you are now tarnished. And that you have lost something you can never get back again.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Last year a woman wrote a blog post about how she regretted being a virgin until her wedding night, and the post went completely viral. Her point was that growing up in the church she felt that sex was dirty, and by staying a virgin until her wedding it made sex awful. If she had been able to embrace sex earlier her sex life would have been much better.

But the problem is not virginity; the problem is the spin we put on it.

And the best rebuttal that I read to her piece is this one by Sarah, a single woman in her twenties, who made the point I made above: Christians, stop staying pure UNTIL you’re married. Go read it. It is awesome!

Here’s just part of what she wrote:

If your goal is staying pure UNTIL marriage, you’re going to walk into a marriage highly dissatisfied. That’s because you were never meant to lose your purity. In fact, it’s not something that CAN be lost. It’s a lifestyle, not a state of being. Something either you walk in or you don’t. In accepting the exchange of Jesus, you can’t separate yourself from it. It goes with you to both the grocery store AND to the sanctuary, to the doctor’s office AND to the kitchen to make a sandwich.

It also goes with you to your bedroom.

It goes with you, because you go with Christ.

Purity isn’t lost in the moment, it’s an essential key to a happy (and lasting) marriage. It’s what keeps you connected to both God and each other, it’s what helps you stay strong and faithful to one another, it’s what helps you to build trust and affection.

And yes, blushing elders. It’s one of the most important ingredients in having GREAT sex.

Read the rest here.

WifeyWednesday175Now, today is Wednesday, the first Wifey Wednesday of 2015. And on Wednesdays I always talk marriage. And so today I’d do a bit of a rah-rah post to get us ready for great sex in 2015!

One thing I love about all you, my readers, is that so many of you send me articles you think I may find interesting. That’s how I first found out about that viral post, and that’s how I first saw Sarah’s great rebuttal.

Kathy R sent me this note:

One of my friends posted this article [about not being a virgin on your wedding night] on facebook calling it “One Hell of a powerful article” so I wanted to share it with you. While I understand the reasons behind this person’s issues with sex, it still bothers me that she is basically saying “I wish I’d had sex a long time ago because then I wouldn’t have all these problems!” And now that I’m pregnant with a little girl, it scares me to death what to do to train her up in the way God sees sex and marriage, not the fear-mongering that some churches do, but how it was designed!

Elizabeth C and others sent notes that echoed Kathy’s, and several mentioned the same issue: how do we raise our daughters so they don’t think like that?

I think the easiest way to raise kids who have healthy views of sexuality is to have a healthy view of it yourself–and to not shy away from conversations. If we are not ashamed of sex, and if we enjoy sex, our kids will pick up on the fact that sex isn’t something to be ashamed about at all.

So the key to raising kids well is YOU.

Making the new year awesome in the bedroom--by dealing with our attitudes towards sex

We all have issues regarding sex.

All of us. And that’s truly okay. Don’t berate yourself about it; just know that it is universal.

Why wouldn’t we have issues? Sex is so interconnected with our identity and with our spirituality. It’s all tied up in our ideas of true intimacy, both with our husbands and with others, and even with God. And we live in a fallen world. So that means that the parts of us that are the most personal, the most intense, the most vulnerable, will be marred in some way. Some of us will be marred more than others, but we will all be touched.

And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you if you have issues! Truly. I had issues with sex–I couldn’t relax because I had such major trust issues and I didn’t feel that I could let my guard down. And if you can’t let your guard down, you can’t enjoy sex. I didn’t even realize I had these issues until we got married! But being married helped me get over those trust issues, and they slowly went away. God used marriage as a vehicle to heal me.

So whatever your issues, know that you are not alone, but also know:

God can handle your sexual issues.

Just like there’s healing for other issues in our lives, like perfectionism or rejection or grief, there is also healing for whatever sexual issues you have. Really. If you’re struggling, it honestly doesn’t always have to be like this!

Sex reveals our insecurities, and here are a few posts that may help you:

Getting over your own sexual baggage

Getting over your husband’s sexual baggage
Getting over the effects of sexual abuse
Developing a healthy view of sexuality

If you never had a healthy view of sex because of the same issues as the original blog poster, here’s my take:

Has our purity culture gone overboard?
Why we should stop using the term virgin

I echo a lot of Sarah’s points there with my own spin on them.

Good Girls Guide My SiteIf you enjoyed those posts, and if you’ve really struggled to get a healthy view of sexuality, you really need to pick up The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex. In it, I explain in detail (and with a lot of humor) why God created sex the way He did, and how we can see it as a fun, low stress, intimate thing. When you read this blog, you get bits and pieces. If you want it all in one place, get that book! It will help. (and give it to girls who are about to get married so they don’t have the same regrets as that blog poster!)

But sex also reveals our sin, and lays it bare. Here are some posts that can help with that:

4 things you must do if your husband uses porn
Discovering your husband is having an affair
What to do if he’s texting other women
When YOU’RE the one who needs forgiveness

Practice makes perfect–even when it comes to sex!

Sometimes it just takes time to figure out what you like, and to figure out how to make sex feel good.

And the more you do it, the better at it you’ll get! That doesn’t mean that sex will be an awesome trajectory, where you start out lousy and you continue getting better all the time, so that each encounter is better than the last. Hormones may interfere for a few months (or years), little kids may make you tired, you may go through a stressful period. But if you stand back at the end of several decades and take a look at your marriage, most women do see that it gets better over time. Indeed, in my surveys for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage are around the two decade mark.

Here are some posts that can help you with that:

How to have an orgasm
9 Great Sex tips to make it feel even better!

31 Days to Great SexAnd, of course, my book 31 Days to Great Sex has challenges that build on each other. It starts with the first week addressing how we feel about sex. Then we do a week on feeling more comfortable and flirty with each other–emotional intimacy. Then we turn to a week of challenges on embracing physical intimacy and making sex feel great. And then we end with challenges on how to feel more intimate–that spiritual intimacy. It’s okay if the book takes more than a month to get through! You’ll find that you talk more about sex, and you learn more about each other and yourself.

Sex really is a journey in marriage.

Sometimes you’ll have months where everything is amazing and you work like clockwork and you both have libidos that are through the roof. And sometimes you’ll have months that are a bit of a struggle.

But those struggling months help you to pull together. They point out the problems that need to be dealt with. Maybe one (or both) of you is too stressed or overworked. Maybe you’re going through a depression or hormonal changes and you need to see a doctor. Maybe you’re grieving something and you need to be able to lean on each other. Problems in the bedroom can be a sign of other things, and when we deal with these other things together, it ultimately brings us closer.

I think sex shows us why we need the vow. Without that marriage vow, when things got tough in the bedroom many may throw in the towel. But because of the vow, if sex isn’t working well we can figure it out. We can weather the storm.

Think about that woman who wrote that article. If she had had sex before she was married, would things have been better? No. She still would have had the same sexual hangups. And sex wouldn’t have worked well. But because they weren’t married, they would have wondered: should we even be getting married if we don’t work in the bedroom? Are we sexually incompatible?

I know if my husband and I had had sex before our wedding that wedding may not have happened. It was so disastrous that we both likely would have had second thoughts. But instead we were able to work through it. It’s a journey.

And I think that’s a wonderful thing.

I don’t know where you’re at in your marriage. I don’t know if you’re in crisis, or if you’re in blahdom, or if  you’re in ecstasy. But wherever you are, know that 2015 will have its ups and its downs. It will be rocky. But regardless, it can also be very good. Sex can be one of the vehicles where God does great healing in our lives. It can be a vehicle where God helps us embrace more freedom and helps heal some of our perfectionism and control freak tendencies. It can be a vehicle that God uses to bring you and your husband closer together.

And let’s not forget–sex can be a great stress reliever! :)

So embrace it this year. Don’t despair if you have issues–just work on them and take them to God. Don’t despair if it’s never felt very good. Just consider it a great research project for the year ahead. Don’t despair if you’ve been going through a rough patch. It’s a new year–and new beginnings!

And I wish you a very great new year, even in the bedroom. We’re going to talk a lot more this year about what real intimacy is, and about how to deal with more of the common problems we have in the bedroom. So stick around! But whatever you do, don’t give up on sex. Don’t believe it’s hopeless. It can be awesome–and it will be for you, too. Just give it time.

Now, do you all have any advice for us today? Just enter the URL of your own blog post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these great posts!

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.




Wifey Wednesday: Don’t Be the Christmas Doormat!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Sarah Ball, aka The Virtuous Woman Exposed, joins us talking about how you can be a non-stressed wife this Christmas–by not being a Christmas martyr!

be a non-stressed wife this christmas

Dad is sitting peacefully with his pipe by the fire, the kids are playing joyfully with their new toys, the in-laws have that 1,000 pieced puzzle mastered, and Aunt Sally and Uncle Joe dance arm in arm to “I’ll be home for Christmas.”

But wait, where’s mom?

Oh, right. She’s hyperventilating in the walk-in pantry.

“It’s just the onions,” she says with a forced smile. Come on, we all know it’s not just the onions. It’s a layer of exhaustion, trying to please everyone, a failed soufflé (do women still make these?) a critical comment from the Mother-in-law, an eye roll over paper plates from the Aunt, oh…and the one gift she received under the tree.

One hand-made candleholder made with love and painted macaroni.

She loves seeing her family happy, and nothing beats watching her children open gifts, and she knows the true meaning of Christmas. Yet she can’t help but feel a little empty; so she distracts herself with giving and serving, while telling herself she ‘is being stupid and needs to suck it up.’ She takes the freshly made bacon wrapped scallops out of the oven, waves her eyes clear of tears, inhales deeply, and joins the party. “Hungry?” She sings. They all run to the platter of savory and leave her none.

Does this sound like you? The Christmas Door Mat or The Maid of Merry Men?

How not to be a Christmas martyr in your family--and find peace once again!

If so, I am here to release you from the hard bondage in which you have been forced to serve. With a loving lecture!

STOP IT!

What if I were to tell you that the reason Jesus was born, (the reason we celebrate Christmas) was so that we could rest and receive abundant blessing? Not strain ourselves to the point of tears.

Jesus knew that women have a tendency to strive to earn favor with man and Christ. Which is why God strategically left this story of Mary and Martha, in the bible….

 Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”

 And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10: 38-41

His peace and presence is available to all, but it is up to us Martha’s to put down our apron and just be present enough to enjoy the gift of the moment.

It is perfectly acceptable to expect blessing for yourself on Christmas. It’s not selfish and it’s not sacrilegious. No one ever called you to be a Christmas Martyr. In fact when you take it upon yourself to please everyone, you are actually taking away their opportunities to be a blessing. It feels good to give. Why not let your family experience that too.

We as moms need to help our children and husband bless us. I know that this sounds selfish, and I know that the giver in you is cringing. I realize Christmas isn’t just about gifts, but gifts are a legitimate godly way of showing care for one another.

 

I drive my children, including my teenaged son, to shop for their dad and me. I drop them off at my favorite store and tell them what I don’t want.

Last year, my teenaged boy was absolutely mortified when I dropped him off at a girly accessories store. I walked him into the store and introduced him to the cashier. “My son is shopping for me, these are the things I like, and can you help him?” I asked. She looked as awkward as he did. It was a match made in retail!

“I’ll be in the car,” I said, as I walked out the door. My son, his poor face turned Rudolph red. But that face turned into a very proud grin when I opened a great pair of gloves and scarf on Christmas morning.

I just scored points with his future wife. ‘Not afraid to shop at girly stores to buy his wife great gifts.’ CHECK!

Some husbands may need the same encouragement.

My husband loves to make me happy, and to be honest he deserves more gifts around the tree this year than I do, and he spoils me. So dropping him off at the local frilly shop will be in vain. What I can give him, that in turn blesses me, is an unstressed, joyful version of me. He’s not looking for a perfected Christmas Décor, or an overstuffed brined turkey. He is looking for moments with me, moments when he has my full, happy and content, attention.

This year I have given up the family photo, the Christmas letter and even the Christmas cards. I’m going to express my needs and ask for help. I am going to serve child decorated cookies, that look like reindeer vomit and I’m going to stick to mashed potatoes, turkey and pie. Martha Stewart, you’re fired!

What can you do for yourself this Christmas?

 

Sarah BallSarah Ball is a blogger, speaker, and mother of 5 children. She is currently working on a series called Fearless in 21 days, helping men and women break free from crippling anxiety and panic. You can follow her blog at Virtuous Woman Exposed.

Sarah says, “Head on over to my Virtuous Woman Exposed Facebook Page so we can be friends! You can also find me on Pinterest and Twitter.

WifeyWednesday175Have any Christmas marriage thoughts for us? Link up the URL of one of your marriage posts in our Wifey Wednesday Linkup below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts.



Wifey Wednesday: What Do I Do with a Workaholic Husband?

When your husband is a workaholic: how to communicate your needs for him in your #marriage!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then give you a chance to link up your own post in the linky below. And today we’re going to deal with this problem: what do you do with a workaholic husband?

A reader recently wrote me this letter:

My husband’s work hours are way out of control. He owns his own business and regularly works 75-90 hours a week. We have been married almost 30 years and our kids are almost out of the nest.

His obsession with work overrides his common sense. The kids and I staged an intervention (literally) where we said that they would not ride in his car with him if he continued to text and check emails while driving (that has improved a bit since then).

He thinks I don’t appreciate his hard work. I do, but it has left me to be virtually a single parent, and in fact, an angry, disconnected wife. I try to open discussions with “I/we want to have you at home more. I miss time with you”, but it immediately goes to accusations that I don’t understand his work, his stress, the economy etc.

I am tired of pat Christian answers about making my home a sanctuary for him and understanding that work is what God created him to do. I am angry when I hear other Godly men ask with a laugh, “Still working those crazy hours?” instead of calling him on his out of balance life. I have considered talking to an elder couple that we are close to in order to have someone else discuss this with him.

My husband is a good man and I know, in my head if not my heart, that he loves me and his kids, but even as I write this, a voice in my head whispers, “but not enough to cut back his work hours”.

My heart breaks for this woman. She IS married to a workaholic husband, and it’s making her feel so unloved. So what does one do in this situation? Here are some general thoughts about workaholism and marriage.

Is He a Workaholic or Does He Just Work Hard?

My husband is a physician, and when he was in training he was often at work for 100-120 hours a week, being 36 hours on and 12 hours off. It was horrible. When he had his own practice he was still on call frequently, and his work weeks were still long. I never considered him a workaholic, though, because he loved being home–and when he had to dictate charts or bring work home he was always really grumpy about it. He wanted to be away from work; the job just didn’t always allow it.

What good would it have been for me to be angry at him for that? He was already upset that he wasn’t home more; me adding to that would not have helped. Working hard and working long hours does not necessarily mean he’s a workaholic.

A workaholic husband, on the other hand, is someone who routinely chooses to engage in work rather than engage in family time even when the job does not necessarily demand it. If he’s a pastor and he’s forever visiting people and counselling people after hours and going to meetings and he’s never with his family, then he’s likely a workaholic. If he’s a business owner (like our letter writer’s husband) and he can never put the job down, then he’s likely a workaholic.

Certain jobs are more prone to workaholism: the “caring” professions, especially ministry ones, where you can always justify working harder because “people need me”, and entrepreneurs, who feel as if everything rests on their shoulders. There are others as well, but those are the two categories that seem to be especially prone to it.

If He Simply Works Hard

Can He Switch Jobs?

Can you make a long-term plan for him to get more training so that he can qualify for something different that pays well? Can you create a 5-year plan together that gets him into something more manageable–so that your family life is better?

Can You Change Your Work?

One reason that my husband’s job was never too much of a burden to us was because I didn’t work outside the home. Because I was there to take care of the day-to-day things, then when he was home we could relax as a family. If I had been working 40 hours a week too I don’t know how we would have done it. When he got home instead of playing a game or talking we’d have to clean something or tend to errands.

Is there a way that you can reduce your hours or change your work so that the family becomes more manageable–even with his hours?

Can You Carve Out Family Time?

I have two dear friends who are both family physicians in a small town. The wife works part-time; the husband has always worked more than full-time because that’s the nature of the job. While he’s around most nights, he honestly is gone a lot of the time. But what they have done is carved out several weeks of vacation a year where they get out of town completely, so no one can page him. And they love their vacation time! They’ve taken their girls on missions trips, on backpacking adventures, and all kinds of places so that they create memories.

If your husband puts in a ton of hours at work, perhaps he can negotiate more vacation time where he’s out of the office and away from his phone.

I have another friend who is a project manager for huge corporate projects. He goes to work in one place for 2-3 years, managing some new huge launch, and then he’ll move to another corporation. So everywhere he goes it’s always at a stressful, busy time. He misses Thanksgiving sometimes. He misses weekends sometimes. But one thing he never misses is his kids’ quiz meets (his kids do Bible quizzing with my daughter). He coaches and he’s made that his priority. So even though he misses some traditional family things, he is always there for one particular thing that has become his priority–his barometer of whether he’s involved enough or not. And that works really well for them. Can your husband find one thing that he is always there for–coaching soccer, working with the youth group, attending a small group with you? And that is always your priority?

For years my husband and I spent Wednesday nights ballroom dancing. He never, ever took call on Wednesday nights, no matter what. That was our time. So, yes, I couldn’t always count on him for birthdays or for weekends, but I knew that he would always be there for me for Wednesday nights.

If Your Husband is a Workaholic

Can You Plan Your Goals Together?

Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your DifferencesIf the issue is not one of time but honestly one of priority, then it’s a much bigger problem. Like Bill and Pam Farrel say, men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Men live their lives in little boxes: when they’re in one box (like work) it’s hard for them to think about another box. And often that work box gets really big.

One way to force them out of it is to talk to them about goals. Workaholics are often quite good at setting goals because they do it in the work setting all the time. So what about asking him to set goals for your family and your marriage? I’ve got some printable, downloadable worksheets right here that you can use to dream together and vision together.

If you start asking, “what do we want our family to look like?”, and then “what are the action steps we need to take to get them there?” that can help him see that he has action steps that need to be taken at home, too.

Developing a Vision for Your Family

Can You Find the Root of Workaholism?

Is workaholism about money? Or is it about self-worth? Or is it about a lack of trust in God?

I have a friend named Mark who has a construction company. He has always prioritized his family. He works long hours, but he’s home on weekends, and they do vacations together. When the downturn came in 2008, he didn’t lose his business, though many in his town did. And he says he just trusted God. He worked a little harder to drum up business, but he didn’t panic, because he knew God would take care of them.

Sometimes people become workaholics because they’re essentially scared that God won’t take care of them, so they have to do it all themselves. In that case it’s a trust in God issue.

Sometimes he’s grown up to believe that his worth is from his work, and so he puts all of his emphasis there.

And sometimes he just wants more money, thinking that it will buy security.

Figuring out what the spiritual root is can help you tackle the problem. And sometimes you will have to talk about this with a counselor or a third party. In extreme cases, you will have to say, “I can’t live in the marriage like this anymore and we need to get help.”

Other times just using logic can help. How much money is enough for your retirement? If you go at this trajectory, will you manage? Does the business need to expand? Do you need to work that many hours? If they can see it in black and white that their financial goals are already met, that can help them scale back.

If the issue is that he’s in a caring profession, and the demands are never ending, then I’d read this post which addresses specifically that.

Be Honest with Your Own Role

I am not saying this is the case with my reader at all, but I have had many men comment on this blog about how desperately lonely they are in their marriages, and how they have turned to their work instead so that they can cope with the loneliness. The babies came, and their wives threw themselves into the kids, virtually stopped having sex, and were critical and demanding. And the men felt unloved.

So they threw themselves into work, and for a few years everyone was happy. He could cope because his needs were met at work; she could focus on her kids unimpeded. Then the kids started to grow, and she began to miss him, but he wasn’t here anymore.

Ask yourself if you have done anything to contribute to his workaholism (and this is not always the case). Then ask him. And if you have, repent, apologize, ask forgiveness, and try to start fresh. Here’s a good post on asking for forgiveness.

Confront Him About His Workaholism

Like my reader, I have heard the advice, “just make your home a sanctuary he wants to come home to!”, and there is some truth to that. But I think that truth is more relevant if your husband works hard, not if he’s a workaholic. If he simply works hard, he needs that sanctuary. If he’s a workaholic, the problem is usually a spiritual one, and no matter what you do it won’t get better. In fact, you could end up enabling him to grow further away from God and further away from his family if you do nothing.

Boundaries in MarriageInstead, I’d advise my reader to bring in that older couple she was referencing. Perhaps talking to a counselor would help. Read the book Boundaries in Marriage. But do not just let it be. That makes you an enabler, not a spouse.

Our reader and her kids did a good thing confronting him about texting. That was a great first step. But take the next step, too.

Make Your Own Life

My friend Leanne had a workaholic husband. She tried for years to change it and finally realized she couldn’t. So she stopped waiting around for him. She began taking the kids on vacation by herself. She took them to the beach in the summer rather than trying to plan around his schedule–and then being disappointed again. She started taking painting classes herself and hired a baby-sitter for the kids. She stopped putting her life on hold and started living it.

An interesting thing happened. His workaholism stopped bothering her quite as much because she had other areas of joy in her life. And because of that, he started wanting to be home more. He realized he was missing a lot of fun, and he made more of an effort to be there for those beach trips.

Their marriage is still not perfect, but she’s finding it easier to cope with it.

WifeyWednesday175So those are my thoughts on workaholism–and now I’d love to know yours! How do you deal with a husband who works a ton? Let me know in the comments!

And now it’s your turn to leave your own link for Wifey Wednesday! Just put the URL of your marriage post below, and be sure to link back here so other people can read the great marriage advice!



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Wifey Wednesday: Is Make Up Sex Real?

Make Up Sex: It's real and it can make your marriage great!It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own posts below. Today I want to tackle make up sex: is it real? Is it helpful? Does it actually make us feel closer?

A reader sent me this letter:

Lately things have been a bit tense in our marriage. (My husband feels like things are fine, but from my perspective, there is a lingering tension).  I feel like we are just snapping at each other a lot and, to be honest, I’m finding it hard to find things I “like” about my husband at the moment.

Sex has always been pretty amazing for us, which is a blessing. We don’t have it quite as often as we used to, but it is still very good when we do – physically speaking. I find when we have sex, though, it makes the tension melt away completely for a day or two. We’re all lovey-dovey again – making jokes all the time and getting on like a house on fire.

But I kind of feel like it is just blinding us with passion, so that we forget about the issues that we still need to work on. But the issues are still there!

I talked to my husband about this and he said perhaps it is just God’s good design for sex – that it makes the issues go away, and that we should therefore just keep having sex more often as a way to deal with the tension.

However, I feel that we still need to get to the bottom of why there is tension in our relationship. And I am beginning to find it harder and harder to “get into it”, emotionally speaking, when we have sex. What do you think? Do we just need to keep our “love tanks” filled up? Or should we try to sort through the deeper issues before we keep jumping into bed?

Great question! And what the reader notes is so common: sex makes us feel closer! That’s the upside. But can there be a downside to it, too? Well, let’s take a look at this in more detail:

Why Make Up Sex Works

Sex is fun! Sex makes you feel close because you literally are close–you’re naked together, you’re spending time together, you’re experiencing something intense and personal together. And when you do experience that arousal and orgasm, you produce the “bonding hormone”, oxytocin, which also makes you feel more intimate.

That’s why sex can often “cover a multitude of sins”. In my marriage, when we’re making love frequently and feel close, the fact that Keith occasionally bites his nails doesn’t bother me in the least. When we’re going through a dry spell, though, it bugs me to no end. It’s one little thing, but if we have sex, my bug-o-meter goes down.

Frequent sex, then, often helps us to feel significantly less ticked off about little things our spouses do, and even helps us to work through bigger issues because we’ve got this foundation of feeling lovely about each other.

Why Make Up Sex is Exciting!

Here’s the thing–what makes sex so intense is when we feel even more vulnerable and even more personal. That’s when our souls are really bared.

While this is certainly possible in our day-to-day lives, when we just talk to each other and share deep and intense things, one of the most frequent times it happens is after an argument. We’ve felt angry which means that we’ve felt hurt. We’ve expressed that hurt. We’ve been honest (sometimes brutally so). And once you’ve come to an agreement again after that intense time of honesty and vulnerability and intense feelings, then the sex is likely to be even more intense, too.

As I talk about frequently, sex is so much more than physical. When we’re feeling emotionally connected (and especially emotionally raw and vulnerable), then that sense of intimacy will be heightened, which will also heighten your libido and make sex even hotter! So, yes, that make up sex thing is absolutely real.

The Downside to Make Up Sex

However, our reader brings out an interesting point. It is possible to let the intimate aspects of sex cover over too MUCH. Instead of just covering up for the little things that bug us, or instead of just helping us heal from arguments more quickly, sometimes sex can be used to help us avoid dealing with difficult things altogether.

One of my close friends, who divorced her husband after he cheated on her, and is now remarried, told me that one area that she and her ex-husband always united on was sex. The sex was always great–it was everything else that was lousy. But because those other things were hard to talk about, they’d often end up in bed as a default, and avoid those heavy conversations.

Now, I don’t know that all couples go through this, because most of my readers have found that when other aspects of their relationships are going poorly the last thing they want to do is to make love. But certainly some people, like this reader and like my friend, fall into this category. What do you do then? Do you have to stop having sex so that you can actually talk? No, I don’t think so. I just think you need to be more purposeful about having those conversations.

How to Use Make Up Sex to Your Advantage in Your Marriage

So let’s sum up.

Schedule time to check in with each other–without sex!

Whether it’s going for a walk every night after dinner to talk, or spending every Sunday night asking, “what’s going on in your life? How are we doing?”, or something, make sure that you have regular, scheduled time to talk. One of the characteristics of happy couples that Shaunti Feldhahn found in her research was that when they were going through difficulties, they spent more time together, not less. Sometimes when there’s tension in the marriage we’re tempted to spend more time with the kids, or get busier with other activities. Stop. Connect regularly and actually talk.

If you make love after those sessions, that’s fine. But the purpose is to talk, not just to have sex. If you have certain questions that you always ask each other during these sessions it will likely be easier. Try these:

  • Have you felt loved this week by me? Why or why not?
  • What’s one thing I can do in the coming week to make you feel more loved?
  • How can I support you in the things on your plate in the week ahead?

Ask those three questions to each other every week, and it’s less likely that you’ll have issues festering.

After an intense personal conversation, or a disagreement, make love

Then, after these intense conversations, or after arguments, make love. Make use of those bonding hormones! It will help you to get over the awkwardness or anger faster, and help you feel on the same page again.

Make sex regular

The more you make love, the more those little things won’t bug you. So make sex a frequent thing in your marriage–while you’re still checking in regularly–and you’ll find things are much more like smooth sailing!

WifeyWednesday175Now it’s your turn! What advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of your marriage post in the Linky below. And be sure to share this post on your blog so other people can come back here and find other great posts.

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In Successful Marriages Spouses Scan for Things to Praise Not Criticize

The 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage: Praise and Connection. It's about Attitude!

It’s Wednesday, the day we always talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own posts below. Today I want to talk about what makes a successful marriage, and according to John Gottman, it’s pretty simple. It’s all in your attitude.

Let me tell you the story of two women that I know.

One lady, we’ll call her Maude, is a senior. She hangs out with a lot of other senior ladies doing a particular hobby, which I can’t mention because my hometown will know who I’m talking about. :) She’s a riot, but every time she talks about her husband Gerry she complains about him. When the kids were little she could never leave him alone with them. He’s lazy. He doesn’t know how to cook. He forgets birthdays. He’s just a big kid himself.

I didn’t have a very high opinion of Gerry until one day he walked in and I actually met him. I was expecting a gruff, angry man. Instead I met a teddy bear whose eyes twinkled as he joked with everybody else there. But when he looked at Maude, his eyes grew almost dead. She picked at him, and he turned away. He was a great guy–but she didn’t see it.

Then there’s a university friend I’ll call Elaine. She and her husband Todd are complete opposites–they’ve done the Myers Briggs personality test and she’s an ISFP and he’s an ENTJ. He’s never held a job for more than 3 years, because he’s always trying new entrepreneurial ventures–most of which succeed. He’s got several businesses on the go now, but life is hectic. And his hobbies? They’re hectic, too. She’d like to sit and be quiet but he wants adventure. She thrives on stability; he thrives on every new thing.

And when she talks about him she may tease him, but she does it while touching his arm. She smiles when she looks at him. She’s impressed by his many different ideas. And she’s always saying nice things about him to other people.

John Gottman, who has been studying the “Science of Marriage” for several decades, would call Elaine a Marriage Master and Maude a Marriage Disaster. And the difference between the two is often not huge. It’s in two little things, according to a new study.

In a Successful Marriage People Scan for Successes

Contempt is the number one thing that drives people apart. Contempt says, “you aren’t doing this right and you never will.” Contempt judges and leaves people in the dust. Maude and Gerry were still technically married, but they hadn’t been happy in decades.

And contempt means that you notice failures, not successes. What’s the point in noticing a success? Sure, he may have said that one particular thing nicely, but that doesn’t count if he never remembers my birthday and works so hard that he’s rarely here. He may have put the kids in bed tonight so I can have some time to myself but that doesn’t count because he worked last Saturday and left me with all the kids and he’s always doing that. You see yourself as the martyr and him as the bad one, and no matter what he does, you don’t give him credit, because he can never dig himself out of the hole he’s in.

Suggestion: For one week, thank him every chance you get for every nice thing he does. Don’t ask whether he deserves it. Don’t think, “if I thank him for this he’ll think he’s off the hook about that.” Just do it.

Why? Because when you have to thank him, you have to look for things that he does that are good. When you look for them, you see them. You think about him. And you end up thinking of him in a new way.

The key to a successful marriage, by John Gottman: Look for things to praise, not criticize.

In a Successful Marriage People Turn Towards Each Other

Your husband walks in the door and yells, “Hi! I’m home!” What do you do? Do you get up and give him a kiss, or do you ignore him and keep cooking dinner? Your husband says, “I saw a woman today who looks just like this girl I used to live beside when I was little. You don’t think it could be her, do you?” Do you reply,

  • How would I know?
  • Don’t be silly. You grew up across the country from here.
  • Neat! Who was the girl you grew up with?
  • You never know. Remember when we met my old Math teacher at the Grand Canyon?

When the husband walked in the door and called out, that was a “bid” for connection, Gottman says. When he began that conversation about the woman he recognized, it was another bid. In successful marriages, people scan for these “bids”, and when they happen, they move towards each other. Either literally–as in going to the door and hugging him–or in conversation–as with the last two replies, rather than the first two replies. They don’t cut someone off, they continue.

Suggestion: For one week, really listen to everything your husband says. Continue conversations and pay attention.

Why: You show your husband you value him. And as you talk, you do grow closer.

That’s it–just two things that can change the whole dynamic of your marriage.

I think women sometimes get in this mindset that says something like, “my marriage isn’t great and it never will be because my husband just doesn’t get it”, and then they give up trying. They relate to their husbands like the husbands are simply always wrong. They put all of their efforts into their kids, or into their jobs, or into their ministries. And even if everyone else can see that they’re married to a great guy, they can’t see it themselves. They gave up a long time ago, and sigh about him all the time.

And most people who are like this won’t even realize that this blog post is about them.

If you believe that your husband just doesn’t get it, and that you are destined to have a lousy marriage, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your husband is hopeless when it comes to the kids or any kind of personal interaction, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your husband mostly makes you miserable, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your job is to put up with your husband for the rest of your life, but that you’ll never be happy, I’m talking to you.

You are scanning for mistakes. Stop it. Your husband isn’t the only reason your marriage is distant–you’ve decided to make that distance bigger! Start scanning for successes and thank him for them and mention them immediately.

And stop pulling away from him. When he says something that could bring you closer, pull in closer. Pay attention.

Do you realize how small these two things are? Like Shaunti Feldhahn found, the key to successful marriages tends to be in the small things, like saying thank you to your husband.

No, they don’t solve all marriage problems. But what they do do is lower the tension in your marriage so that you’re relaxed around each other because you have goodwill. And if you’re relaxed and feel positively, you can talk about those bigger issues and deal with them so much more effectively.

Many good, Christian women show their husbands contempt (and many husbands show their wives contempt; I understand that, it’s just that I’m writing to women on this blog). That’s not doing your kids any favours.

I’m perhaps more passionate about this today because I’ve seen it in several marriages close to me lately, and that’s why I’ve been going on and on about it. But it’s so important: scan for success. Pull closer. Say nice things. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t wonder if he deserves it. Don’t worry that it will make him think he gets off scot free. Just do it. Please. And see what happens.

WifeyWednesday175Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below!

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.