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Don’t Forget How Much They Want Us to Fail

May 10, 2012 By

'Boxing Gloves' photo (c) 2002, Kristin Wall - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/
We are a threat.

We, who believe that marriage is sacred, that sex is meant for marriage, and that sex is best in marriage, are a threat to just about everything our culture stands for.

When our marriages work, we show the culture how shallow it is. We shine a light on the fact that eveyrthing they’re chasing after and basing their lives on is essentially meaningless.

If married people stay together, continue to love each other even in the rough times, continue to be happier, healthier, and wealthier, and raise better kids, then maybe there really is something to that morality thing. And people don’t want there to be. They want morality to be a sham.

Yet what we know is that choosing to do what’s right isn’t constricting; it’s freeing. It means that you have more joy in life, and more fulfilling relationships.

So it is that our culture is dedicated to taking down those who are a risk.

'Tim Tebow' photo (c) 2011, Jeffrey Beall - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Recently, a website (I’m not even going to mention which one, because I don’t want to send it traffic) announced a reward of $1,000,000 for anyone who could take Tim Tebow’s virginity (or prove that they had had sex with him). Writing in the Washington Post, Esther Fleece says:

Tim Tebow deserves…respect. He not only believes, but boldly lives by the belief, that sex outside the context of marriage forms permanent bonds and memories from temporary relationships, and is therefore neither long-lasting or truly satisfying to the soul.

Tell me, Mr. Biderman, where’s the $1-million-bounty-worthy crime in that?

I find that completely sick, but let’s not assume that we’re safe, just because we’re not celebrities.

The culture wants us to fail, and so we’re surrounded by movies, and erotica, and porn that will wreck our sex lives. Last week I talked about how Kindles can wreck marriages, and other marriage bloggers have chimed in, talking about the danger that erotica can pose to marriages. It’s everywhere today.

We’re surrounded by scantily clad women, and messages that we’re never good enough, so that we’ll be drawn to buy more and more stuff to make us feel beautiful, rather than just accepting our bodies and having fun with our husbands with them. How many women are robbed of pleasure because of negative body image?

We’re surrounded by the message “you just need to be happy”, as if happiness is god. And so when we’re not happy we start to question our choices and our relationships, because if we’re not “being true to ourselves”, then what’s the point?

Our culture is set up to hurt marriages, not help marriages. It is set up to encourage people to jump into bed. It is set up to encourage divorce.

And so what is the response? Listen to God. Talk to your mate. Keep him as your best friend, so communication is strong. As much as possible, get rid of negative media. Never be careless. And work to make things better! One of the recurring comments I get from my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is “I wish I hard read this earlier in my marriage; I would have saved myself so much heartache.” Don’t settle for mediocre. Fight for your marriage! And if someone else, or something else, is threatening to take you off the right path, fight back!

When you do, you strike a blow against our culture. When you fight for your marriage, you’re fighting for something bigger than yourself. It matters. You matter. And God never intends for you to have to fight alone!

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Filed Under: character, Christian, divorce, marriage 63 Comments

My 7 Pet Peeves about Worship Music in Church

April 30, 2012 By

I normally talk marriage in this blog, but I’m not JUST a wife. I’m first and foremost a child of God. And I’m a child of God who isn’t exactly easy-mannered. I’m opinionated. And sometimes those opinions just have to come out.

And so I would like to share with you the seven things I most wish I could say to both worship leaders and to those in the pews who complain about music (and this isn’t directed at any particular ones from my church, or from conferences I’ve spoken at :) . These are just general, universal observations!):

1. The Date the Song was Written is not Nearly as Important as Singability

I don’t care when the song was written as long as it is singable and meaningful. If I don’t know when to come in, what the melody is going to do, or what the words mean, then I can’t worship. If I’m concentrating on sounding good when I sing and on not embarrassing myself, then I’m not thinking about God.

Some worship leaders only like to sing songs out of hymn books. But just because a song is in a hymn book with written music doesn’t mean it’s musical. Those hymn book publishing companies had to fill up that book with something, and there’s only so many “How Great Thou Arts” and “To God Be The Glories”. So around 1912, they hired a bunch of people to write completely unsingable songs called something like “Whithersoever the Lamb Shall Goeth, Shall I Also Be”, or “Mine Eyes Have Beholden the Rose of Sharon, and I March To Find My King”. Or whatever. If a song isn’t widely known by the congregation, then it should be sung only if it’s one you want to introduce and teach, because it’s so marvelous, not just because you think it fits with today’s message.

Likewise, there’s nothing wrong with hymns–as long as they’re the good hymns. And how do you know what a good hymn is? Simply ask anyone over the age of 50 what their favourite hymn is, and you’ll get great answers. Old Rugged Cross. How Great Thou Art. Immortal, Invisible. How Marvelous, How Wonderful. O Sacred Head. All great. All singable. All recognizable.

Hymns are not the problem, and if people think young people won’t relate to hymns, then they’re simply not playing them correctly. If a hymn has been a favourite for 100 years, there’s probably a reason. So younger people, don’t be hymn snobs. These songs are usually very musical and very powerful doctrinally. Just update how you play them, and everyone should like them.

But at the same time, don’t play something nobody knows. If it was written in 1912, but nobody liked it even in 1912, then it’s probably not meant for 2012, either.

Yet don’t be a contemporary music snob, either. God has different and unique messages for each generation, and often the way those messages are spread is through song. We have some wonderful songwriters writing worship songs today, and if we never sing them, then we miss out on God’s message to the church today. The date it was written should not matter; it’s musicality and relevance should.

2. Performance Songs are Not Congregation Songs

Look, I love contemporary Christian music as much as the next person. I download Christian music off of iTunes. I listen to Christian radio, and I sing along. But not all songs are congregation songs. Some are meant to be solos.

Just because a song means something to you, and has a great message, does not mean that it works well in a congregation. To be sung by a bunch of people at one time, the tune should be obvious, there should not be numerous pauses, and there should not be weird timing. If there is, then it’s better to use it as special music.

3. The “Eye Shadow Should Match Your Purse” Philosophy of Worship Doesn’t Work

If the pastor is preaching about the inerrancy of Scripture, not every song you sing needs to be about the inerrancy of Scripture. Do you know how hard it is to find songs on Scripture? This is what leads people to look flip through hymnbooks and choose those obscure songs written in 1912 (see #1, above), and it’s silly.

The worship songs do not have to match the sermon, because that’s not the point of worship. Worship isn’t about teaching people the sermon; worship is about preparing people’s hearts to listen to the sermon. It’s much more important for people to encounter God during worship, so that they’re willing to listen with open ears, than it is to use those songs to preach a specific message. Let’s focus on God during worship, and who He is, and then we’ll be ready to listen to the pastor.

4. Worship is About God, Not About Me

I attended a Good Friday service a few years ago, and the worship team was very polished. They had every instrument imaginable. They had wonderful vocalists. But about 2/3 of the way through the worship package I leaned over to my mother and whispered, “if the next song begins with the word “I”, I’ll shoot myself“. In retrospect, I was glad I had not brought a gun with me, because that would have been messy.

Worship should focus on God, not on my reaction to God. Worship should remind us who God is, not remind us of how much we love Him, or how much we want to serve Him, or how much he means to us. It should be about who He is and what He does. Now, this shouldn’t be a hard and fast rule, because there is room for songs that tell of our personal response to His love. But when worship packages are entirely focused on what we think of God, instead of simply looking at who He is, then our focus is misplaced. Especially on Good Friday. A song or two about, you know, the actual crucifixion would have been nice.

5. The Worship Leader’s Job is Not to Drum Up Emotion

Do you know the song “Celebrate, Jesus, Celebrate?” If you do, you’ll know that those are just about the only words (there’s also a chorus, but it doesn’t have that many words, either). Anyway, the song says “Celebrate, Jesus, Celebrate” four times in a row, and then moves to the chorus.

I was once in a church where we sang the verse–and I kid you not–eight times before we moved to the chorus. That’s 32 “Celebrate Jesus, Celebrates”. Does anyone else find that extreme?

It’s almost as if the worship leader was trying to get us to shut off our brains so that we’d enter some sort of trance-like state. I don’t think that’s the proper role of worship.

I have no problem with repeating a chorus or two, but let’s not get ridiculous. We aren’t Hindus; we’re not into mantras. We’re into using our brains as we worship a living God. And if concentrating on that living God doesn’t promote reverence, drumming up a false emotional frenzy isn’t going to do so, either.

6. No Instrument is Satanic

When the organ was introduced, people were all worked up. How could we add that loud instrument to worship? It was edgy. It was new. It was controversial.

Every instrument at some time has been edgy and controversial, even the ones we now consider boring. Instruments are not the problem. If an instrument is too loud, that’s the sound person’s problem, not the musician’s problem. And people need to get over their fear of instruments. If the song selection is good, the instruments shouldn’t matter.

7. Silence is Golden

I love singing. I really do. My daughters and I harmonize together. But there are times when I would prefer that we just not sing.

Communion is one of those times. When I used to lead worship, I insisted on having the piano play quietly, but not singing anything, because sometimes I believe it’s important to give people room to pray. When we sing, the words enter their brains and then it becomes harder to pray about specific things God may be speaking to  you about.

Sometimes I think we sing too much, and we don’t pray (or just listen to Scripture) enough. Worship is more than singing; it’s also responding to God, and listening to God, and listening to His word, and prayer, and even giving. So while singing is wonderful, I think many services would benefit from more silent times to pray, or saying some creeds together, or hearing more Scripture read out loud.

We’re in church to encounter God, not to be entertained. And I believe that all congregation members should worship, and be in church with a sense of reverence and awe, regardless of what the music is, and even if it’s not your cup of tea. If you don’t worship, that is not the praise team leader’s fault. Nevertheless, I do think that praise team leaders could encourage worship more effectively by doing some of these things. What do you think?

If you liked this post, would you hit “Share” on Pinterest or Facebook or Twitter below? Let’s get the word out so we can talk about this more!

UPDATE: I changed one sentence to make it clearer that I’m not intending to criticize worship leaders as much as I’m trying to get people–both in the pews and in front of the microphones–to think about this a little differently. Sometimes the problem is with people complaining that the music isn’t their style, and I think we all need to work on just worshiping God, and getting rid of the distractions!

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Unconditional Love Does Not Equal Unconditional Acceptance

December 20, 2010 By


I’ve had a variety of snippets of interactions going through my head over the last few days, which have led me to a certain conclusion. So let me share my thought process with you, and see what you think.

Exhibit A: I talked with a woman whose live-in boyfriend is becoming upset because her teens do no work around the house. He can’t make them; he’s not their father. But he gets sick of their laziness. She says, “they’re teenagers!”

Exhibit B: An 18-year-old hasn’t gone for his licence yet–even though he could have two years ago–for no apparent reason. I think he’s just too lazy. When he’s not at school, he sits around and watches TV. And that is his whole life.

Exhibit C: A youth group is attracting unchurched kids, but losing a lot of churched kids, because all rules have gone out the window. It’s okay to swear, wear whatever you want, play whatever music you want, and doubt all you want. Church is about feeling accepted. Now the churched kids don’t feel accepted.

Exhibit D: A high school student with bright, accomplished parents is suspended again. He is just skating by. He puts no effort in. They don’t know how to motivate him.

I looked at all four of these stories, which hit me within a 24 hour period, and it seemed to me that the common denominator was a lack of expectations combined with unconditional acceptance. Everyone in these stories loves their children. There is no danger of that. But none of these parents or leaders are willing to put actual expectations of behaviour on their children–and the children are responding by simply not putting in any effort.

I look at the parents and leaders in these stories, and they’re wonderful people. How is it that such wonderful people can be raising and leading such kids who are, for want of a better word, leeches?

Let’s deal with the church situation first. I have spoken to some of the churched teens who don’t want to go to the youth group anymore and their response is that it doesn’t feel godly or safe. The message is, “church is what you want it to be”. “God loves you no matter what”. All of which is true. But it’s also true that God has certain standards for behaviour, and that saying the F-word nonstop is not godly. The occasional swear word is not going to bother anyone; but no one wants to step into a church and have it feel like one is watching an R-rated movie. But more important than the swearing is the attitude towards faith: it’s not something that is essential or that is something you have to work at; it’s just what you want it to be.

If kids were being transformed, it wouldn’t be an issue. But most kids aren’t being transformed. It’s become a “cool hangout”. And the problem is that for Christians to grow, we need community–a community we will belong to even when we don’t feel like it; in fact, especially when we don’t feel like it. We must keep ourselves plugged in, or we risk going off track. And if a church doesn’t teach that you must keep plugged in, then you’re not really raising disciples. If it only teaches you should do what’s fun and you should come if you enjoy it, then what’s the chance that these kids are going to keep going when they’re 23?

Now let’s go to parents. A parent’s job is not to get their child to love them or to give their child a good life. A parent’s job is to raise a child who can live independently while also showing compassion and love. Letting a child skirt by with no chores and no responsibilities and letting them get away with everything is not compassionate and it’s not good parenting. It’s failing them.

It’s hard to turn things around when children are teens, but you can prevent this from happening by one simple thing: have expectations on your children. Expect that they will do chores. Expect that they will speak and dress appropriately. Expect that they will do homework. Expect that they will succeed in life. Expect that they will love God. And communicate these expectations. When they start to move away from the expectations, change something in your family life so you promote it again.

What I have found is that it is the expectations of the parents so often that determine how the children turn out. Those who say, “teens will rebel. They won’t enjoy church. They’ll struggle in high school” tend to have teens who rebel, who hate church, and who struggle in high school. But I know other parents who expect that their kids will love God, and will try hard, and they do.

Now there’s more to it than just expectations, of course. Those with these expectations set up family life in certain ways. They give chores, they make time for homework, they demand that kids act perhaps more maturely than age would expect. But the reason that they do these things is because they expect that their children will fulfill them and live up to them. And lo and behold, the kids tend to.

On the other hand, those who expect that, as moms, they will have to do all the laundry for everyone in the house until the day they die will tend to do all the laundry in the house until the day they die. Those who expect that, as moms, their kids will never do homework on their own but will always need a lot of help will tend to raise kids who sit passively waiting for mom to tell them the answer.

So I have a simple idea: encourage your kids to be independent, even in small things. Encourage them to pick out their own clothes. Encourage them to figure out 5 x 4 in their head without telling them what it is. Encourage them to pour their own milk or get their own cereal.

Stretch your kids; don’t stretch yourself. Don’t do everything for your children; encourage them to act responsibly, even in little things, when they are very young. They do have brains and arm muscles, you know, so they are capable of learning to tie shoes or of putting their coats on a hanger or a hook by themselves.

If we did this when children were 6 or 8 or even 10, I bet we’d see fewer 18-year-olds sitting on couches like lumps refusing to do anything that would even be beneficial in their lives. I see so many teens who are putting off things that would actually be fun because they can’t be bothered. They have become addicted to doing absolutely nothing. They haven’t understood the joy of accomplishment or independence or ownership, and so they have no incentive to go ahead and grow up and reach for that milestone.

Teach kids that joy. Teach them that you expect them to reach high, and then equip them for it. It takes a real mindset on behalf of parents, but believe me, you don’t ever want to be in the situation where you sit across the table from friends talking about your teenage child, saying, “I don’t know how to motivate him.” You’re right. It’s awfully hard when they’re a teen.

Of course, no matter what you do, some kids will go off the rails. Some kids will make poor choices even if you do everything right. But don’t use that as an excuse not to try, because while some kids will go off the rails, most will not.

So to sum up: we are to unconditionally love our children, but I firmly believe the way to do that is to expect that they will live godly, independent lives. Put some expectations on them! Make some demands of them! It’s not being mean. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you’re equipping them.

An airy-fairy style of parenting where parents do everything for kids, or an airy fairy style of Christianity where we just want to get people in the doors does not serve the goal of growth or maturity. We have to find a middle ground where we love and attract people, but where we also point and motivate towards growth. And I think that middle ground is expectations mixed with encouragement: “You can do it! It’s within your grasp! God is there to help you! Now let’s get going!”

What do you think? Can you combine expectations with unconditional love? Let’s talk!

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