A Testimony of Marriage, Anorexia, and Healing

healing in marriage battling anorexia

Today, please welcome guest reader, Alyssa, as she shares her story of healing in marriage battling anorexia, and how God and her husband are daily helping her.  No battle is too big for God!

I grew up in a small town in Australia. I loved life in the country, there is something so freeing and satisfying about the open space, the fresh air and creation all around. It brings a peace and happiness to my heart! I was one of four kids to two amazing God centred parents. For as long as I can remember, my mum and Dad taught us about God’s word, what it meant to forgive, serve and love others. Growing up in one of the only Christian families in our small country town presented its challenges though. I was a sensitive child and from the age of 9+ I don’t really remember a time where I didn’t feel pressured or even taken advantage of. Some days I would return from school in tears only to have my mother and father sit beside me, warm me with their hugs and gently tell me to keep on loving and keep on forgiving. So I did.

But not dealing with these emotions properly left me more emotionally scarred then I could ever imagine.

Our family was different, and I knew that… but there was always a part of me, just like everyone I guess, that wanted to be accepted and fit in. By the time I hit high school, I felt an immense amount of pressure to not just be like everyone but also please everyone. I felt very insecure, timid and ugly… Along with this I had a perfectionist personality, was very quick to forgive and show kindness to everyone and therefore was walked all over. Amongst the bullying and identity issues, I was also sexually abused by several different boys/men throughout my teen years. Not only did I neglect to tell people about it, I didn’t deal with it properly, I didn’t understand it and I chose to keep forgiving and loving. When I turned 16, I moved out of home, taking myself to live in Sydney to study music and dance. I wanted to sing more than anything. Those few years in Sydney, although holding some of the greatest memories of my life, also hold some of the darkest. In those three years in Sydney, I studied full time, worked in the office of the performing arts school I attended, and went to a church that left me feeling lonely and left out. I got in a serious relationship with someone who did not want to know God at all, I had very little to no money, and I lost all four of my grandparents, whom I loved very much.

At the end of the year I left that school. I felt lonely, very isolated, overwhelmed. This is where my eating disorder came in.

At the time I didn’t realize what was wrong with me, just that I was slowly losing sight of who I was. It is now eight years later….And those last few years are also a blur. I have been in and out of treatment, private hospitals, have seen countless psychologists and counselors. In 2011, I went into a Christian Rehabilitation centre for Women struggling with addictions. It was the only program that worked for me and for a whole year I was walking free of the illness. It was in that year that my now husband proposed to me. Matt and I dated long distance.

He knew I struggled with an eating disorder, but we spent little time with each other so he was unaware of its deception, struggle and the hold it can have on one’s life.

But he knew I loved God and that despite my illness and current troubles, I persevered to love God and serve Him the best I could. At the end of 2011 I ventured into the Christian Rehabilitation. The program required me being cut off from all things, I went and lived on a farm with a dozen other women. We had no phone, access to internet and we were only allowed to watch TV on weekends for a movie night, or the news in between 4-6pm on weekdays. I communicated to people through letters. I spent my time learning to enjoy life, all of God’s goodness and meditated on His word day and night. This is what I believe healed me. I spent the next year celebrating life, enjoying peoples’ company and being thankful for what our Great God had done and would continue to do in me. I don’t know what went wrong; I have maybe spent too much time thinking about it.

But 2 weeks after we got married in November 2012, I suddenly fell back into old habits.

It wasn’t a gradual fall, it was quick and left us both feeling lost and unable to comprehend it. We had moved to Sydney, left all the people we knew and who supported us, we had very little money and struggled getting jobs. Life had thrown all different things at us, when marriage in itself seemed enough. So what has the last two years been like? Well, as most of you who are reading this would know, an eating disorder is a life threatening, serious, destructive illness. It’s a tyrant, its based on denial and deception. It involves stealing, lying, wasting money, time and life. For those who do not overcome it, unfortunately it results in death.

I am 24 years old, I weigh 37 kgs and am 174cm tall. I have Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa. In my spare time, I live under the control of this terrible illness… I steal money, I steal food, I throw it up. Sometimes a whole day will pass and I will not remember any of it, under the trance of this illness. I have spent hundreds of dollars in days, all on food that no one ever got to see.

When we have arranged to go out and be with people, I end up cancelling, either because I am too anxious about what they are going to think of me or because secretly I have been binge eating on food and cannot go anywhere because I need to throw it up. My husband has continuously forgiven me, time and time again. He has done nothing but love me with unconditional love. He has held me, both in tears and prayed. He has bought me flowers just to see me smile, he gave up an excellent job so that I could be closer to people for support, he has filled rooms full of balloons and filled them with tiny messages to remind me that he is here and isn’t giving up. He deliberately hops into bed before me to warm my side up, as I feel the cold. During a fight, I was still upset going to bed so I resided on the couch, half way through the night I felt someone’s arms pick me up and carry me to bed.

I heard a small whisper, ‘The only time we will ever sleep in separate beds is when we are apart and cannot be in the same bed together.’

He then wrapped his arms around me and held me until I had fallen back asleep. He has put up with the mood swings that come with the illness. Sometimes I say the most terrible, heart breaking and mean things, and he will sit there and simply respond with ‘Alyssa, I love you and I am not going anywhere.’ Matt has been so sacrificial. He has stayed with me through this, when most men in our day and age would probably walk away. He has been a wonderful witness and example of Christ’s love for us. He is a beautiful man. God has been so good to me.

My husband without a doubt is the greatest gift, other than God’s grace, that I have ever been given.

When we moved this year, I decided I didn’t want this illness any longer. I want to be free of it. It has been a hard journey so far, but by God’s grace I am very slowly getting there. We take each day as it comes, and we thank the Lord for the good days and the bad days. We are so grateful and see so many blessings around us and we want to focus on those things. Please keep us in your prayers as I learn to lean, whole-heartedly serve and depend upon God and find my satisfaction, worth and contentment in him. Please keep praying for my husband, Matt, that he will continue to find the strength he needs from God and that he would have wisdom to know how to love me best and look after me best.

Just a Note on What’s Happening with the Blog

Hi everybody!

I just wanted to give you a quick “heads up” about what’s happening with the blog.

I’m not posting a regular post today because we’re in the middle of migrating servers. Basically I’m changing where my blog is hosted because my traffic has gotten too large for the shared hosting site I had before.

Because of that, they have to save the whole database of all my posts and all my comments and then move it to another server, so I can’t publish a post today. They’ve already done the backup, so whatever gets up today won’t get moved.

So I just wanted to let you know that! The blog may be inaccessible for about two hours over the next day or so while the move is complete, but I’ll try to make that in the middle of the night for North Americans so it won’t affect too many of you (sorry about that for those in Europe, Australia, Asia and Africa!)

Thanks so much, everybody, because ultimately this is a good problem to have. All should be up and running by Friday, or even hopefully tomorrow!

 

What I’m Reading This Summer

Top 10 Summer Reads

Summer is one of the only times I get to read novels. Or rather, it’s one of the few times I let myself read novels, because I’m one of those people that can’t put a book down until I’ve finished it. So I’ll ignore everything else in my life until it’s done. That’s why I only read on holidays.

Recently my husband and I were camping just outside of the city where my husband works, so that his commute wouldn’t be as long and so that we could relax together at night at the campground.

I brought my Kindle along, but it wouldn’t connect to their wifi, so I ended up browsing the library of the campground to see if there was anything interesting.

I picked up a romance novel by a very popular writer (it doesn’t matter who) and sat down to read it. It was SO BAD. I mean really, really bad. My daughters make fun of how formulaic Christian romances are, but secular romances are just as awful.

In this one, she described a man’s eyes like this (when the woman first met him at an airport):

His eyes were mesmerizing and intoxicating….no, almost dangerous. They were so dark she could almost swim in them. She felt herself shivering, trembling, as he turned his gaze towards her. And then she knew: in that brief, ten second glance those eyes knew everything about her.

Okay, what exactly do those eyes look like? I turned to my husband and said,

Honey, can you gaze at me as if your eyes know everything about me?

We ended up laughing hysterically for about fifteen minutes.

I couldn’t read it. It was just too awful.

I did pick up a thriller I enjoyed by Jeffrey Archer, though. So I thought I’d write a post on ten books I’m now reading, or have recently read, that I’ve enjoyed, to help you as you try to find something worthwhile to read this summer! I’m going to start with novels, and then finish the list with three non-fiction books.

1. Eve’s Daughters by Lynn Austin

One of my favourite Christian novels of all time. Lynn Austin writes the tale of a woman having trouble with relationships, but you can trace the root of it back several generations. And as she looks at how different generations of women have handled love, marriage, and heartache, she shows how understanding your roots, and understanding the real grace of our Saviour, can help rebuild a broken heart. From an immigrant woman not sure if she loves her husband, to a woman who lets passion result in a hidden pregnancy, to a modern woman trying to figure out whether to stay with her husband, we see how real love and commitment does triumph.

Eve’s Daughters is such a hopeful book, and it’s lovely.

2. Don’t Let Me Go by Catherine Ryan Hyde


The world is full of broken people, and everyone in this book is broken. An 8-year-old girl, living in a run-down small apartment building, is being neglected by her drug addicted mother. Her neighbors, though, are determined that she not be apprehended by children’s services and placed in the system. So they step in to fill the gaps.

In doing so, many of these neighbors have to overcome their own brokenness. And as they administer tough love to the mom, they start to see a family repaired. It’s just such a touching book. Not a Christian one, but it still shows the truth that even in broken people grace can break through. I don’t often weep at books, but I did at this one.

One of the big insights is that much brokenness is really isolation, and the cure for it is community. If we all lived in community, we could heal so much more easily. I think there’s a major message in there from the church. I thought Don’t Let Me Go was beautiful.

3.  Safely Home by Randy Alcorn

One of my favourite novels ever. I can’t read it without crying. It’s about the persecuted church in China, but it will touch you like little else you’ve ever read. The description of the motivations of Christians in China cut right through you. There’s a story in the book that actually happened–a village had everyone move out. They left all their homes behind. The reason? Everyone in the village was already a Christian, so there was no one left to witness to. They had to spread out. The whole book is like that. Tons of spiritual warfare stuff, too.

Safely Home will change you (in a good way).

4. Dominion, Deception, and Deadline by Randy Alcorn

I do love well-written Christian books with a great plot, and Randy Alcorn always delivers. Here’s his modern series focusing on homicide detective Ollie Chandler, investigating different murders with characters we’ll come to love. More John Grisham than the typical Christian novel, but with a huge focus on the spiritual element, with glimpses of heaven and spiritual warfare, too.

I really enjoyed the whole series, but you can buy each book separately, too.

5. The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers

This wasn’t my favourite of her books (I enjoyed Leota’s Garden and the Mark of the Lion series better), but I did like this one. A young student at a Bible school is brutally raped and impregnated one night by a stranger. The Bible college requires her to announce her rape publicly so that others don’t assume she has “sinned”. She refuses, and eventually is kicked out.

The book is more about the relationship between her former boyfriend, her new boyfriend, and her best friends and how everyone handles the rape. I thought it was far-fetched when I first read it (how can a Chrsitian institution blame a girl for being raped?), but my eyes have really been opened this year about how much legalism there still is in the church, and so I think Atonement Child is an important one to revisit.

6. Anything by Jeffrey Archer

I’m not the kind of girl who escapes to romances (and I’ve written about why romance novels can bother me). When I want to escape, I want a sweeping epic story. And I do love Jeffrey Archer for that. He’s not a Christian author, but he tells a good story, and there aren’t usually graphic sex scenes at all (unlike Ken Follett, who also writes sweeping epics).

I found The Fourth Estate in that library at the campground and devoured it, and it reminded me how much I like him!

7. Atlas Girl by Emily Wierenga


What do you do when you grow up in a legalistic family to parents who have different dreams in life–and you’re caught in the middle? You develop anorexia at 9, and spend your life trying to please everybody.

Emily has written a touching memoir about battling anorexia, finding love, experiencing grace, and finally finding healing. The memoir takes us around the world as Emily tries to escape pain, but ends up right back where she started, as she finally finds healing.

Emily’s written on the blog before, and shared an excerpt of Atlas Girl here. She also wrote a while ago on why she couldn’t get undressed on her wedding night, a confession she also makes in the memoir. I’m reading it by the beach this summer, and I’d encourage all of you who need healing from your past to pick up Atlas Girl, too!

8. Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas

And now we’re on to nonfiction!

Do you struggle with doing devotions? Do you struggle with hearing God and experiencing God when you sit down for half an hour with a Bible and highlighters and a prayer journal? Maybe you just have a different Sacred Pathway.

Gary Thomas’ premise is that there are nine pathways, or ways that we most relate to God and experience God. One of those ways is through reading your Bible analytically, but many of them are not. You may experience God through nature. You may experience God through service. You may experience Him best through liturgy and candles and tradition.

I can’t say enough good things about this book. My whole family has read it now (my mother and my daughter are both trying to get Bible studies started in their respective circles of it). It helped me understand myself better, and why I need to go camping every year, especially in the rain!

As I’ve written before, many women don’t think their husbands are spiritual leaders, and long for someone to lead the family in prayer. But perhaps your husband just has a different spiritual pathway. Read Sacred Pathways. It’s awesome!

9. Why Gender Matters by Leonard Sax


In this world where people are saying that men and women are interchangeable, Leonard Sax, a scientist, writes a groundbreaking book showing that gender is, indeed, hardwired into us.

I so enjoyed this easy to read book, and any parent will! It’s got great commentary and what kind of schooling works well for most boys and for most girls; for what moms and dads contribute to a kids’ development; to what discipline techniques work better for boys and what ones for girls; for how to handle teenage risk-taking among boys; and more. If you’re raising both genders, you’ve probably noticed how they’re different. This book will assure you that you’re not crazy; that girls and boys really do need different parenting–and different schooling.

Every teacher should read this, too, because it’s a great commentary to why boys are also getting left behind in schools. Check out Why Gender Matters.

10. People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck


Scott Peck took the New York Times Bestsellers List by storm in the 1980s, I believe, with his groundbreaking book The Road Less Traveled. Peck was (is?) a clinical psychologist, and his book about grace resonated with people (my daughter’s reading it now and loves it!). He wrote several more, and then followed up with this one, his most Christian. Peck was on a spiritual journey as he wrote, and I believe became a Christian in the middle of writing People of the Lie.

In this book, he’s making an argument that “evil” should be a psychiatric diagnosis. Some people are just plain evil, and there is no way to treat them. They aren’t just narcissistic or disturbed or anything like that. They are actually evil, and the only way to deal with it is with a spiritual, not a psychiatric, approach. And if we realized that some people were evil, we’d stop using psychiatric ways to cure them.

And who are these evil people? They’re everywhere. They’re often married. They’re often professionals. They’re all among us. Peck shares stories of patients he’s tried, and failed, to treat, that he now believes are simply evil. I started reading the book when my husband was having trouble with someone at work, and Peck’s description fit this person to a T. People of the Lie is riveting, and it will make you see the world in a new way.

Maybe that’s not a good book to end my list on, but it is hopeful at the end. And it is a fascinating summer read!

So there you are–whether you like fiction or non-fiction, I hope there are some books that can entertain you this summer while also making you think and turning you more towards God.

Now I’d love to know–what are you reading? What do you think are great summer reads? Let me know in the comments!

This post contains affiliate links.

 

Reader Question: How did YOU Homeschool Through High School?

Reader Question of the WeekI don’t talk about homeschooling much on this blog. I have homeschooled both my children from kindergarten to high school, but I know that most of my readers don’t homeschool.

But every Monday I like to answer reader questions, and I’ve received a number of questions lately about how I homeschooled. One, in particular, asked what I did through high school. So I thought I’d take a day to dedicate to homeschooling, talking about two things: homeschooling through high school, and then an AWESOME deal for homeschoolers that’s going on just this week.

If you’re not a homeschooler, forgive me, but “regular programming” will resume tomorrow.

What We Used to Homeschool Through High School

We used Saxon math right through to the end. They finished with Algebra 2 (the green book). One thing I really liked: the marking keys are all there, so it’s easy to go over the problems with the kids.

For Bible/English, etc., we used Omnibus from Veritas Press. They have six different Omnibus books. In Omnibus I you look at books from the ancient world and study the way the ancients (Greeks and Romans) thought. In Omnibus II you look at the Middle Ages, and in Omnibus III you study modern literature and history. My girls really liked Omnibus III; it started with Pride & Prejudice. Omnibus IV-VI redo all the historical periods, but with different texts.

Omnibus I starts in grade 7; you finish all six by grade 12. We did the first four and then started university online (see below).

I loved it because they read the classics, and the questions and exercises are very well designed. I really felt like I had an understanding of how history and thought flowed after reading through Omnibus. There was a big emphasis on American history, so as Canadians we did substitute a few books, but not many.

It is extremely rigorous, and many seventh graders likely couldn’t handle Omnibus I. But I did the readings with them (which, yes, was time consuming), and we really enjoyed it.

Homeschooling Through High SchoolI tried Sonlight curriculum one year, but found it much harder to understand in terms of what you’re supposed to do on what day. Omnibus was laid out better, and the study questions and exercises were better. We went back to Omnibus by mid October.

For Science, we tried a variety of things. We tried the Apologia science, but it didn’t work well, and Keith, as a doctor, didn’t think it was that rigorous. It was written as a conversation, and Science isn’t a conversation. It’s more like Math. The textbooks are written so that kids can do it on their own, but our girls found it just odd and they couldn’t get into it. We tried Alpha Omega Science, but that was a little off, too.

Finally we put them in an online school offered through our board of education, and that was all right. I didn’t like Grade 9 & 10 Science, because so much was wasted time, but once you got to upper years Biology and Chemistry it was done very well.

Once the kids were 16, everything changed. Athabasca University, out of Alberta, is an “open” university, meaning that anybody 16 and over can take their courses as long as they pay the fee. Every University in Canada (and in the U.S., I believe) accepts them as transfer credits. Since I didn’t learn anything in first year university that I hadn’t already taken in my final year of high school, I figured that university courses basically are senior high school courses, so why not get credit for what you’re doing?

The plan was for the girls to take their first year of university online, and then to enter university as a transfer student into second year. That’s what Rebecca did last year, and that’s what Katie’s in the middle of doing (she’s finished half of her first year, while she also takes other courses at home). So they did 2-3 courses a semester, which ends up being 10 courses over two years. Then when they’re 18 they go to university.

Athabasca is A LOT of work. I hate that they don’t have online lectures. You teach yourself out of the textbook and then you do the assignments and write the exams. I have a lot that I wasn’t happy with, but at the same time, they do get university credits, and it makes that whole “getting accepted to university after homeschooling” thing no problem. They don’t go in as homeschoolers; they go in as transfer students. Becca even got a scholarship to the University of Ottawa!

So that’s what we did. Now some general thoughts.

Considerations When Homeschooling High School

Don’t stay away from courses you don’t like/aren’t good at

I dropped Science after grade 10. My husband, of course, didn’t, but he wasn’t home to homeschool the girls. I was. And I couldn’t mark the science or teach the science. I tried with Physics; I figured I could do the course alongside Katie and learn it that way. But that didn’t work either, because eventually I got confused, and when trying to mark her stuff I’d have to wait for Keith to get home.

That’s why we eventually went online.

I’ve seen many homeschooling families give up on the things that the parents don’t do well, and instead just do the stuff they enjoy. And then they end up not being academically rigorous.

We switched Science curricula about four times before finally giving up and putting them in a course online. Sometimes you have to do thatEvery child should at least have an introductory knowledge of basic areas of study–at least to the level they’d get in school. Here kids aren’t allowed to drop Science until grade 10, so all students should have at least a grade 10 Science background. And this goes all the more for Math.

Be realistic about marking and get others involved if necessary

The hardest part of high school is checking up on your children’s work. I know one boy who was given a textbook in September and told to work through it, but his parents never checked. He’d always brag that he was done his work by November.

I never bought it.

Katie is great at Math, but when marking her daily work, she’d often only be getting 70%. If I didn’t mark it everyday, after a week she’d be getting 55% and skipping lots of questions, because if you don’t properly understand a concept, it snowballs.

If you stay on top of it, though, you can explain the issue right away, and then her marks would go up.

You have to mark everyday or you don’t know if they’re getting behind or if they really understand it. If you can’t commit to doing that, then it’s better to get your children to take some courses online. Veritas Press offers Omnibus online; Apologia offers Science online; Write at Home offers Essay Writing online (my oldest did this; it was great). And, of course, as we found, some Boards of Education offer normal high school credits online.

Make sure you have a plan so your child is qualified to continue in some way

When homeschooled properly, I believe that children end their education with a better knowledge level than if they went to school. My kids know way more than I did when I graduated high school, and I was top of my class and got scholarships to university. Omnibus was wonderful for that. They actually learned more important things than I did even through four years of university.

However, it’s all too easy to be lax when you’re homeschooling. Especially when you have a large family, it’s easy to leave the oldest to do their work on autopilot while you tend to the younger ones, and then the older ones may not work that hard or really get an education. I’ve seen families I know where the kids finish homeschooling but aren’t qualified for anything, and can’t even pass the GED (the equivalent of the high school diploma). If you’ve homeschooled through high school and your child can’t pass the GED (and also doesn’t have a learning disability), then you’ve done them a grave disservice. They can’t even get into community college!

Homeschooling should expand horizons, not limit them. My girls were able to take advanced piano and lifeguarding and worked a ton through high school, something they couldn’t have done if they were in school. That’s where homeschooling is good. But kids must be qualified at the end to be able to move into more schooling or to move into a job/business where they can earn a living.

If your child can’t, then please, put them in school online or send them to school for their senior year so they can get a diploma or something that will open doors. Don’t close doors for your kids.

An Awesome Deal!

This week, Build Your Bundle has created an awesome opportunity for homeschoolers!

Build Your Bundle - Homeschool Edition Sale - Up to 92% Off!

You can purchase a bundle of homeschooling curriculum that you build yourself–targeted to the ages of your kids or to themes. And you can even get 3 for 2–so if you purchase three bundles in different age ranges, you only pay for two!

They even have a high school bundle! So check it out and see how this great “Build your Bundle” sale can get you just the materials you want–at 92% off.

Build Your Bundle - Homeschool Edition Sale - Up to 92% Off!

When Are You a Grown Up?

Grown UpWhen are you grown up? That’s a question I’ve always been mildly plagued by.

And so today, as I’m taking the summer a little bit more lightly (and catching up on some knitting!), I thought I’d rerun this column I wrote back in September of 2009 that takes a stab at answering that question.

I was not a happy teenager. I didn’t particularly like the high school scene, the ridiculous courses, the boring teachers, and the regimented schedule.

I used to dream of finally being a grown up and being allowed to make my own decisions.

I idolized adulthood.

Then I hit eighteen and nothing magical happened. Surely I’d feel like a grown up in university, though, right? Or maybe when I landed my first full-time job?

Nope.

Many of my friends seemed comfortable in their skin. They knew who they were, and they weren’t afraid of letting others know where they stood. But I was still waiting for some magical writing from heaven to appear and label me, once and for all, an adult, so that I could feel capable, mature, and competent, too.

Unfortunately the writing failed to materialize. And yet, sometime in the last few decades, I must have crossed an invisible line. It may not have been accompanied by thunderous applause, but I definitely passed from mini-me to fully-me. Even though I can’t define the precise mode of this miraculous transformation, I can tell you the results.

I knew I was a grown up when…

I knew I was a grown up when it came to men when I could stop asking, “Does he like me?”, and start asking, “Do I like him?” And when the answer was yes, I married him.

When it came to children, I knew I was a grown up when I stopped worrying what other people thought of my kids’ behaviour or development and just concentrated on being the best mom I could be.

I was a grown up, too, when I stopped pulling out the makeup and the mousse to impress other people, but just started doing it to make myself feel pretty. When I started prioritizing feeling good in my body, I felt like a grown up in it, too.

I was a grown up when I could calmly talk to a salesperson about what their establishment had done that was beyond the pale, instead of letting them walk all over me.

I was a grown up when I could invite people over for dinner and not worry about whether they’d like what I prepared. I’d just cook what I liked, and figured everybody else would make do.

I was a grown up when I called my mom for her advice, and not her approval.

I was a grown up when the fact that my father didn’t understand me became a cause for pity for him, rather than for angst, anger, or introspection on my behalf.

I was a grown up when I started letting myself dream dreams, instead of living out the dreams other people thought I should have.

I felt like a grown up when I acted like others were my equals, instead of feeling insecure around those who were of higher rank or status than I was.

I felt like a grown up when I could run into an acquaintance and have a conversation and not remember until the next day that I was supposed to be mad at them. I guess I don’t carry grudges the same way anymore.

And I knew I was a grown up when I stopped worrying about whether or not I was one.

I don’t have to wait for my life to start; I have to make my life what I want it to be. This is my life; it’s up to me to live it. After all, I am a grown up, even if it’s been a long time coming.

My Daughter Being Hilarious–and More!

My youngest has an awesome YouTube channel, and here’s her latest installment:

What Books Taught Her (that the authors never intended). I dare you to get through the Twilight rant without laughing:

And now for Katie being more serious:

Last week she was one of 15 quizzers from the Eastern Canada district of the Christian and Missionary Alliance Church sent to the international competition for Bible quizzing, which was held this year just north of Toronto (yay! We didn’t have to travel much. Next year it’s in Minnesota). They were quizzing on the books of Romans and James in the English Standard Version.

My daughter at internationals quizzing

Her team made it to the finals of the Consolation A division, and ended up winning that quiz. You can watch the whole thing here (hit the video that’s 79 minutes long–the times when Katie is featured are listed in the next paragraph). The first part of the video is a 20 question quiz. You get 30 seconds to answer a question, and most questions are jumped on after two syllables (in the district meets throughout the year you tend to get the whole question out–but this is internationals). To “jump”, the kids are sitting on benches with a sensor that’s hooked up to a board, and when you take your weight off the sensor, your light goes off. So that’s how they know who got the jump.

At 2:00 Katie leads in the national anthem. Katie jumps and answers 4 questions correctly–at 14:30, 28:15, 30:50, and 40:40–to win the quiz. It’s really pretty awesome to watch how well these kids know these books! Like I said, they have to be able to answer after just two words.

Katie (the captain) congratulating one of her rookie quizzers on pulling an answer out of nowhere.

Katie (the captain) congratulating one of her rookie quizzers on pulling an answer out of nowhere.

Katie can quote ALL of Romans and James, word perfectly. And she can tell you any verse. So proud of her!

Katie jumped on basically nothing, just said an answer--and actually got it right. Here's her surprised look.

Katie jumped on basically nothing, just said an answer–and actually got it right. Here’s her surprised look.

She ended up 6th out of 120 quizzers, and top Canadian. (But before you Americans get too proud, last year the top quizzer WAS a Canadian. Booyah!)


A Note About the Comments Section

I just want to take a moment and say something about the comments.

I want this blog to be a safe place where women can get great encouragement and inspiration for their marriage, their sex life, and their parenting. I’ve thought and prayed a lot about my perspective, and I’m quite comfortable with it, as are my publishers and the many people who hire me to speak.

However, I’ve run into trouble over the last 3-4 years with commenters who completely disagree with my stance on many things–specifically people who think that women don’t do enough in marriage; that most porn use is due to women’s refusing sex; that women should not set boundaries, since that is the job of the man who is in authority; that divorce is almost always women’s fault; and that the aim of marriage seems to be hierarchy rather than oneness.

In general, these commenters have been male, and they tend to comment critically multiple times on posts–and on multiple posts.

What I started to notice about two years ago was that my regular commenters–the women who come here day in and day out–were no longer commenting because the comment section was getting so nasty. My comment section was actually more dynamic 3 years ago than it is today, largely because of the negative tone that took over.

I didn’t want that, and I finally banned about ten commenters who were really spreading dissension. There is absolutely no problem with people having their own viewpoint, but I want this to be a safe place for the women who come here. And if my regular, faithful readers–who are the target of this blog–are being chased from the comments section, that isn’t good.

My eyes were really opened at the meetup I did in Ottawa a few weeks ago, because those women–who read me everyday–in general don’t read the comments because they either don’t care what other people think, or they don’t like it being so negative.

So once again, I think it’s time to restate my policy. I do not want to spread a view of Christianity which I feel is wrong, because 9000 people a day arrive here from Google alone–people who may have no Christian background at all, or who may be searching. For these people, in particular, I want to portray a positive image of what I believe Christ wants for marriage.

If people want to spread another view, they are free to do so on their own blogs.

Therefore, I will delete comments that I feel are harmful to the mission of this blog. I will let through contradictory comments, but, in general, I will only let through one from each person on a blog post. I won’t let arguments go on and on. And if certain people insist on criticizing me on every blog post, I will ban them, too. If I believe that comments spread a view of marriage that I think will turn visitors off of the church, I will also delete them, because I care very much about the witness of this blog and its chance to influence those who don’t know Christ.

And now I’d like to let my husband say something. Here’s Keith:

The main problem (it seems to me) is that these men are relentlessly putting forward the erroneous teaching that Biblical headship mean absolute authority.  In their view, women should not be permitted to set boundaries for their husband as he is “in authority over them” (as one commenter put it) and thus wives must submit without question to all the husband’s demands regardless of his attitudes and actions, be they sinful or not .  They further go on to characterize women who do not submit in this extreme sense as being disobedient to God and try to convince people that women (like my wife, Sheila) who teach a more moderate view are not following proper Christian doctrine.

Now I know there is a great deal of debate about what headship means, but I think we can all agree on one thing: our model as husbands is our Lord Jesus Christ Himself.  But a subtle (and deadly) error has crept into these men’s teaching. They feel they ARE Christ to their wives and demand the same obedience from their wives that she would give to Christ Himself. This is a gross misinterpretation of Ephesians.  In my mind, although Christ is my model as a husband, I fully recognize that (unlike Him) I am prone to sin, error and selfishness.  I have no problem with my wife “calling me” if I am slipping.  I believe the VAST MAJORITY of Christian husbands feel the same way.  And I think we all feel the same disapproval of men who demand this kind of absolute submission from their wives.

When Sheila first told me there were men specifically coming to her blog to disagree with her on issues of submission, I couldn’t believe it.  Do they honestly have nothing better to do with their time than troll around on women’s websites looking for fights about this issue?  That would just seem pathetic to me if it hadn’t been so hurtful.  So to all the women who have been hurt by what these men have said: Please know they are not the majority opinion and they do not have the monopoly on Biblical truth that they claim.

A successful Christian marriage works best when God is the one in complete authority and both husband and wife, in submission to Him, are seeking each other’s best interest. True, God has given a role of leadership to husbands, but the clear model of Christ is servant-leadership, not despotic-leadership.  Rather than proof texting from specific verses, we need to look at the whole teaching of Scripture in this area.  The clearest commentary I have is this: Jesus said you would know them by their fruit.  The Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  To me it is very clear which sort of home is more likely to provide an environment for these fruits to flourish.

May God bless you in your marriages as you seek to honour Him.

Wifey Wednesday: Are Boundaries Biblical?

Setting Healthy Boundaries is BiblicalSetting healthy boundaries: Is that biblical? Or is it modern psychology given a Christian-sounding twist?

That’s a question that’s been asked a lot on this blog lately when I’ve talked about the importance of setting healthy boundaries in marriage and in our extended families. I’ve had several commenters say that boundaries are not biblical, a position that I find a little bit strange. If boundaries aren’t biblical, what is the alternative?

This is the launch week for my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum (the revised & expanded edition), and in it I talk at length about the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries. And so I thought today it might be worth going over why boundaries are so crucial in our relationships.

Boundaries tell us what is our responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility

Here’s Galatians 6:2-7, which talks about boundaries:

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

We’re supposed to carry each other’s burdens, but we’re also supposed to carry our own loads. Think of a load as something which is manageable–your daily to-do list. But when something out of the blue hits someone that they can’t handle themselves, then we’re supposed to help them. We aren’t supposed to carry each other’s loads–only their burdens. And you won’t be able to help someone with their burdens if you’re simultaneously trying to carry your family’s loads.

Here’s something else about boundaries: we’re not supposed to compare ourselves to others, and we’re not supposed to worry about other’s opinions. We need to test our own actions, and only rely on God. And finally, and perhaps most importantly,

A man reaps what he sows.

God set up the world so that our actions have consequences, and we are supposed to bear those consequences. If you take responsibility for things that aren’t yours–by not having boundaries, for instance–you put a roadblock into one of God’s best teaching instruments He has for His children. Let’s say your husband is prone to rages. He’s sowing discord and anger. But if you and the kids walk on tiptoes around him, trying to placate him, and then when he does yell, you apologize and try to repair the relationship, you’re the ones who are reaping that discord, not him.

TLHV New FB AdWe aren’t to carry each other’s loads, and we’re supposed to let people bear the consequences of their actions. We are each responsible for our own stuff.

Boundaries tell us our limits

In Exodus 18:14-23, we read this interaction between Moses and his father-in-law Jethro:

14 When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?”

15 Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. 16 Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions.”

17 Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. 21 But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.”

I love what Jethro says: “what you are doing is not good…You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out.” You cannot do everything.

Similarly, Jesus set limits on Himself. He didn’t heal everyone all the time; often He left areas where there were still people who needed His help because it was time to move to the next place. He carved out time to pray, away from His disciples, to spend time with God. He carved out time away from the masses, just with His disciples, to train and minister to them.

If Jesus had let His schedule be determined by what people needed Him to do rather than by what He was called to do and what He was able to do, His ministry would not have been as effective. He needed time alone to rejuvenate and time alone with God, and He took it. He knew that He couldn’t do everything–even if other people needed Him. He had His limits.

Boundaries show us where the moral line is

Boundaries are also necessary to show us where we have transgressed. Indeed, the word “trans-gression” literally means to “cross” a limit.

Moral boundaries allow us to make judgments about what is right and what is wrong. They let us say, “what you are doing is not right and we need to deal with it.”

If we have no moral boundaries–let’s say because we believe in a mistaken idea of submission where we must obey our husbands completely–then we will follow them into sin, or we will end up enabling sin. On the other hand, Matthew 18 clearly tells us that if someone sins against us (and that could be your husband, or your friend, or your mother), you’re supposed to go to them and tell them that they have crossed a boundary. If they refuse to repent, then you’re supposed to go and get one or two others involved. The Bible is clear that we don’t ignore moral transgressions of those close to us. We confront them and we urge them on to more godly behaviour. As James 5:19-20 and says,

19 My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, 20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

It is neither emotionally healthy nor moral to live without boundaries.

When we do that, we push ourselves too hard and often exhaust ourselves. We allow wrong behaviour to continue. And we enable people to act selfishly by becoming a cover for their actions.

When people join Al Anon, or the support groups for other family members of those suffering from other addictions, one of the first things they are told is that you can only change yourself, and you must not take responsibility for changing another person. But at the same time, you must also allow that other person to reap the natural consequences of their actions, or they will not have impetus to change. You must stop enabling bad behaviour.

To Love, Honor and VacuumAl Anon gets it–and they aren’t even Christian (though the founder was). Why is it that Christians now think that being a pushover, or letting others get away with wrong behaviour, is Christlike? It isn’t. In Romans 8:29, Paul wrote,

29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

God’s will is that we look more and more like Christ.

And so I want to challenge you today: In your family, are your actions encouraging others to look more and more like Christ, or are they covering up and enabling others to look more and more unChristlike? If you aren’t setting healthy boundaries of responsibility, then it’s quite likely that others will be looking less and less like Christ, rather than more and more like Him.

That’s the message of To Love, Honor and Vacuum (the book), though it is of this blog, too! And if you’ve really struggled with this, I encourage you to check out the book, where I help you see how we can live out God’s design that all of us look more and more like Christ–not that we serve so much so that we give others cover to act poorly. And remember–the ebook version is just $2.99 until Sunday! So pick it up today.

Christian Marriage Advice

Top 10 Reasons Women Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and a Mom

Taken for Granted Moms: Why you sometimes feel more like a maid than a wife and a mom--and what you can do about it.

Ever feel taken for granted? Most moms and wives do at some point.

TLHV New FB AdAnd that’s why I wrote To Love, Honor and Vacuum. I wanted to help moms who feel unappreciated rethink how they do family so that instead of feeling like a maid, she can feel like part of a healthy family unit that’s all working towards the same goal. And a revised and expanded To Love, Honor and Vacuum is being launched this week–and it’s only $2.99 in ebook format until Sunday! So pick it up today.

On that vein, I thought I’d share the top 10 things that we wives and moms do that we think are helping, when really they can actually make our family situation worse. Be sure to read through to #10, because that’s the most important one–and it’s the root cause of all the other ones.

I asked on my Facebook Page last night, “when do you feel most like a maid instead of a mom?”, and many of these 10 things were mentioned! Now, of course, you could answer that question with “when my husband ignores me” or “when my husband sits on the couch all night and does absolutely nothing”, but I think it’s more helpful to give women strategies they can use to actually change things. We can’t change someone else; we can only change ourselves. So let’s look at the things that we women do to undermine ourselves, here on Top 10 Tuesday:

1. Doing all the housework yourself

One woman on Facebook says that she feels most like a maid when she’s doing the dishes–for the fifth time that day. I totally get it! Housework is exhausting. It’s never ending, it’s tedious, and no one really says thank you. So why are you doing it all yourself?

You cannot keep a perfect home and raise kids who are active and engaged all at the same time. Something’s gotta give. And one of the best ways to help you not feel like a maid is to make sure that from a very young age kids are doing chores, too. Tie the chores to an allowance when they’re young. If it’s a struggle with teens, change the password on the wifi everyday, and don’t give it out until they’ve completed their chores. Require your kids to work.

A 3-year-old can dust a coffee table and can clean the bottom kitchen cabinets. A 5-year-old often LOVES cleaning toilets with that toilet brush thingy. An 8-year-old can clean a bathroom well and can certainly do the dishes. So don’t do it all  yourself.

Here’s an article on age appropriate chores for kids.

2. Not asking your husband for help

Many men do very little housework if they work outside the home and you stay at home. My husband always worked long hours, and when he got home, I didn’t want him doing dishes. I wanted us spending time together as a family. So I didn’t ask him to do housework (though he always picked up his clothes and took care of his own messes). But if you both work outside the home, you’re definitely going to need some help. Even if you do stay at home, you still will need help with the childcare (and men need to spend time with their kids) and you’ll certainly need help on weekends.

But too many women don’t ask for help. They assume that the men should know what to do, and if they’re sitting playing a video game or if they’re goofing off, they’ve actually decided not to help you. That may not be the case. I asked on Facebook a while ago how many women had actually asked their husbands for help, and I received story after story of women saying, I stewed for ten years about how insensitive he was, and yet when I finally asked him to do the dishes after dinner, he did them no problem. He just never knew I needed help!

Try asking. It doesn’t always get you the results you need, but don’t be resentful if you’ve never even asked. Men often think that because we have systems for things, we would find their help more of a pain than anything else. If you want help, don’t expect him to read your mind. Ask.

3. Allowing your children to treat you rudely

From an early age, make your children say “please” and “thank you”. If they talk back, discipline immediately. If they ask for anything rudely, they never, ever get it. Do not let them treat you with direspect.

When my oldest was five, another five-year-old once stayed with us for a week. That little girl whined all the time. It was her default setting–and I can’t stand whining. So I stopped giving her anything if she was whining. “Can I have some mi-i-i-lk?” she’d whine. And I would say, “when you can ask in a proper voice.” After three days she had stopped whining. I honestly don’t know how her parents stood it. It would have driven me beyond the bend if my kid talked like that all the time. Within a few seconds of her mom walking in the door, though, the whining had started again. Don’t ever reward whining or rude behaviour, or they’ll just keep doing it.

4. Picking up after everybody

Do you spend your life putting stray socks in the hamper and picking up toys? That’s exhausting–and can easily fuel resentment.

But people will keep leaving stuff everywhere if you keep picking it up.

If your ten-year-old comes in the house and drops his coat on the chair and his backpack–with his lunchbox inside–on the floor, and you pick those things up and clean out his lunchbox, you’ve taught him to treat you with disrespect. But not just that–you’ve also taught him to ignore the mess he’s making, so that he likely doesn’t even realize that he’s inconveniencing you.

Don’t pick up people’s stuff. Require them to pick it up–and have consequences if they don’t. For husbands, have a corner of the bedroom/house where you can put stray items if they drive you nuts, so that they can be his responsibility again.

Here’s an article I wrote on how to get kids to pick up their stuff!

5. Rescuing everybody

You’re running late, you’ve got to get to work, and you get a text that your 13-year-old forgot his lunch at home. So you drive back to get the lunch and drop it off, making yourself even more frazzled. Or  you mentioned to your husband that he really needed to send that birthday card to his mom, and he didn’t, and you notice it on the counter the morning after it should have been sent, so you run to the post office and send it express. You had to squeeze it in between appointments, but you did it–and you were only mildly late for the kids’ piano lessons.

Do you rescue everybody? There’s no problem with doing it occasionally, out of love. But if family members start assuming you’ll rescue them, they also stop taking responsibility or even making an effort. They’ve taken you for granted. That’s going to make you feel like a maid, too.

6. Overscheduling yourself and your family

If you’re busy and exhausted, you’ll feel like a maid. If your life is spent chauffeuring everybody, but rarely in the things that feed our souls, like down time with those we love, we’ll go through life with this chronic malaise like something’s wrong.

Beware of overscheduling your family.

Here’s an article on the time crunch with extra-curricular activities

7. Being disorganized

Are you the kind of laid back person who goes along life just fine for about five days, letting the messes get worse and worse, but having fun with your kids, until you finally realize OH MY GOODNESS THIS PLACE IS A PIGSTY and you go ballistic? And then you feel like you need to spend twelve hours in a row cleaning?

Sometimes the best way to feel less like a maid is to get a little more organized, so these crises don’t happen!

8. Asking your children to do things instead of expecting it and following through

When you ask your kids something, do you make it a firm command? Or are you wishy washy?

Compare this:

Johnny, it’s getting to be time to clean up your toys, okay? It’s almost time for dinner.

To this:

Johnny, start cleaning up your toys now. You have five minutes before we eat, and I’m setting the timer now.

In the first case, you haven’t actually asked Johnny to do anything. You’ve just made a statement about the time. You may feel like you’ve asked him, but you haven’t. And so he’s unlikely to listen and do anything, and you’re likely to get your blood pressure boiling! If you want them to do something, make it very clear. Ask firmly. Set a deadline. Expect follow-through.

9. Eating in a rush–and not at the dinner table

You’ve spent an hour making a great meal, but everybody sits at the table, rushing through it, with their phones on. Or else someone grabs it and heads to their room. Perhaps you all sit at the table, but the kids are whiny and picky and don’t like it and the meal is over in five minutes.

Make dinner a family time. Keep conversation starters at the table. Ask trivia questions. Have everyone say their “high” and “low” for the day. Start some family traditions where you really connect and talk over dinner. It’s an important family time–don’t waste it.

Here are some tips on getting picky eaters to eat!

10. Thinking that the goal is to make your family happy

Finally, here’s the most important one: You think that your job is to make sure your kids and your husband are happy. In fact, that’s likely why you do each of the nine things already mentioned. You want them to enjoy life. You want them to smile. You want to avoid unpleasantness. But in doing this, you’re likely inadvertently causing your own unhappiness, because you’ll feel taken for granted. But even more importantly, you’re missing the point.

To Love, Honor and VacuumGod’s priority is not that your kids are happy; it’s that they look like Jesus. And He wants that for you and your husband, too. If you set up your family in such a way that you’re enabling selfishness, laziness, and ingratitude, you’ll be miserable because you’ll always feel put upon, taken for granted, and like something’s off kilter. But the rest of the family will also not learn what it is to look like Christ.

That’s what To Love, Honor and Vacuum is about–it’s to change our perspective so that in everything we do, whether it’s housework or childcare or paid work or even how we do marriage, we’re encouraging Christlike behaviour from ourselves and those around us, rather than encouraging people to take us for granted. It’s amazing how the way that we do the little things in our home, like chores and dinner and school, can have such spiritual ramifications.

So be careful that happiness doesn’t become your goal. If it does, you’ll almost guarantee that everybody will be miserable. Raise a family to be responsible, though, and you’ll likely find that peace and joy you really want.

If this is resonating with you, pick up To Love, Honor and Vacuum! It’s available in paperback, too, but the ebook version is on major sale for $2.99 until Sunday. Don’t miss it!

Now tell me: when do you feel most taken for granted? What have you tried to do about it? Let me know in the comments!

 

Reader Question: How Do I Stop My Child’s Meltdowns

Reader Question of the WeekWhat do you do when your child has meltdowns that disrupt the whole household?

Every Monday I like to try to answer a reader’s question, and this week we’re going to look at meltdowns in children. I’ve written before on how to handle temper tantrums in toddlers, but this is a little different because this reader’s child is older. She writes:

I have read a couple of your articles but wondered how you would approach meltdowns when things are simply not playing out how my daughter had envisioned. She is 5. For example, she had been wearing a particular t-shirt all day and it had gotten really dirty. Grandparents were coming over for dinner and we decided to bathe the kids before they arrived. I threw her t-shirt in the hamper on top of some already wet clothes. The problem started here because my kids normally put their own clothes in the hamper and so it may have been an indicator to me that she planned on putting the t-shirt back on. Anyway when it came to get dressed the t-shirt was not an option. (I am normally quite lenient when it comes to my kids picking their clothes) There was moaning and rolling on the bed. I tried to identify with her disappointment, identify what exactly about the t-shirt she liked – there may be one similar etc. but then also have her understand she needed to push though and choose another t-shirt. My question is – what is my goal? Ideally I’d like her to name the disappointment – help her figure out what she needs to press through it and move on. I know she is young but I feel that ‘coaching’ in the early years will make her able to coach herself later. Any thoughts? I should also add that these meltdowns–the moaning episodes and sobbing–can completely break the peace in our home and I want her to acknowledge this, too. Perhaps you have written on this?

I can picture what that’s like, because my oldest daughter used to find it difficult to control her emotions, too, though perhaps not to this extent. It does totally wreck your household, and it is absolutely infuriating and exhausting. So what do you do?

To Love, Honor and VacuumThis is launch week for the second edition of my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and I thought this was an excellent question to start with, because the premise of that book is quite simple: too many women feel like maids rather than wives and mothers because we’re always working FOR people who take us for granted, rather than working WITH people to create a fun and nurturing home environment that points to Jesus. This mom sounds exactly like the kind of moms I’m talking to: you want to do a good job and raise great kids, but there are times that you just don’t like your kids that much and when you’re absolutely fed up.

Here are some thoughts on handling meltdowns in kids:

1. You cannot reason with a child in a full-blown meltdown

This woman is asking how to help her name what she’s feeling and thus help to work through the disappointment in a healthy way. I understand the desire to do this, but I don’t think it will work when the child is in the midst of throwing herself on the ground and screaming and sobbing. She isn’t thinking clearly, and trying to talk to her will likely escalate everything. You’ll get frustrated, she’ll get more mad at you because you’re giving her attention without giving her what she wants, and it will all get louder and give you a migraine.

2. Stop giving the child any attention

Tantrums are caused essentially by a combination of two things: kids can’t control their emotions and their emotions overwhelm them, and they get attention. That combination is so dangerous, because it can mean that the more that you acknowledge the tantrum or pay attention to it, the more tantrums they have.

How to stop your children's meltdowns (and bring peace to your home again!)Some children DO have an issue controlling negative emotions, and they do need to be coached through it. However, that coaching can’t be done at the time, and often being taught that tantrums are not acceptable is the first step. If they learn that they can’t just scream and cry when they’re upset, then, and only then, can they learn alternative things to do.

So I’d do this: if she starts to cry and flail and scream, pick her up and remove her from other family members. Put her in the bedroom and say, “I see that you’re upset, but the rest of us don’t want to hear this. When you’re calmed down you can come out again.” And then shut the door. Another option is to leave her where she is and then tell other family members, “Jane is being loud and rude, so let’s go somewhere else that’s quiet until she calms down.”

This doesn’t need to be said loudly or with a mean tone, but you need to give this impression:

What you are doing is NOT acceptable, and absolutely NO ONE will pay any attention to you while you do this.

If you are at a party and she does this, you either leave or you pick her up and put her in the backyard or the car until she calms down. You can even stand outside the car while she screams. If you’re in a store, same deal. Be absolutely unwavering in this: you cannot scream in public.

Then, when she is finished, tell her she should apologize to you and her siblings for creating a scene. (I don’t force apologies because I think they should come from the heart if we’re to teach real repentance, but I would seriously recommend that she apologize, and I would require her to acknowledge that she hurt the peace in the house.)

3. Make sure there is not an underlying issue

One caveat: meltdowns are a common feature of many conditions like autism or Asperger’s, because children just can’t process things not going the way they thought they were supposed to. Children need absolute order for the world to feel safe, and if the order is broken in some way, they don’t know how to handle it. It may be a good idea to see a physician to make sure there isn’t some sort of processing disorder going on.

4. AT A DIFFERENT TIME, coach your child on how to work through difficult emotions

When your child is calm, that is the time to help coach them on how to handle disappointment. Talk to them about identifying what they’re mad about, and about taking deep breaths, and about saying, “I’m sad” rather than screaming. Teach her to pray and say, “Jesus, help me to not be so mad.”

But I don’t think this can be done at the time well, and it is such an important skill to learn how to self-soothe (to talk yourself down from a tantrum). Making children do this isn’t being mean to them; it’s forcing them to learn to act appropriately, and actually is giving them control over their emotions. They have to calm themselves down, which means that they have to get control of the anger.

5. Be careful of letting your child set the tone for your house

To me, this is perhaps the most important and also most forgotten point. It is YOUR home. Your children should live by your rules. You have the right to enjoy being at home, and I’m afraid that all too many parents don’t enjoy it at all. I remember a couple I knew when my oldest daughter was 6 who had their 6-year-old in six (!) different after school activities–one for every night of the week, and one on Saturdays. And the reason? When their daughter was at home she was a terror, so they tried to keep her busy out of the house as much as possible to wear her out so that she wouldn’t have meltdowns.

But they were wearing themselves out, too!

We need to get back to the idea that adults have the right to expect certain behaviour from their children. You shouldn’t dread coming home. You shouldn’t dread having hours with the kids alone. You should be able to laugh at the kids, not mentally prepare the day so that nothing will happen that will set your child off.

This is your role. Your children should not hijack it, so don’t let them. You don’t have to apologize for wanting your life back. You don’t have to feel guilty for saying, “I can’t handle when my child is acting like this, so I’m just going to disengage when they do.”

Your child is acting inappropriately, and you have the right to expect them to act otherwise. You really do.

Now go, and set the tone yourself. Don’t let your child do it for  you!

In To Love, Honor and Vacuum I talk a ton about how we’ve gotten mixed up about what our role is at home, and we women often wear ourselves out while everyone else has a relatively easy life. If you’re having trouble creating a good tone in your home, pick up To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!

And please stop by my Facebook Page tonight at 8 p.m. EST for a special announcement!

Are Children Worth It? When People Forego Parenting

Kids Are Worth It: What happens when society decides that remaining childless is better?

Are children worth it? That’s a question many adults are asking today, and as they look around at mortgage debt and popsicle mess and day care woes, many are deciding they’re not. I think kids ARE worth it–and if society doesn’t agree, we’re in trouble.

I talked about this back in a column in 2005, and I thought I’d rerun it now. I understand some women don’t have children, even though they desperately want to, because of infertility issues, and this column is definitely not directed at you. I know how painful that is. But more and more are choosing not to have kids, and I wanted to address that today.

I’m really not sure why I had children, except that I was supposed to. I wanted someone to love me, and I wanted to love in return, but I didn’t think about it much beyond that.

Fifty years ago, that would have been true for just about everybody. Today it’s not. More and more people are choosing to remain childless (and more are childless not by choice, but that’s another story). In Canada our birth rate now hovers around 1.6, far below the replacement level needed of 2.1. And it’s not because families are getting smaller; it’s because more people, even those in committed relationships, are choosing not to have families at all.

While for an individual couple this may be the best choice, for a society it certainly isn’t.

If we want Canada as a nation and a culture to survive, we need a higher birth rate. So why is it plummeting?

I read recently on Steve Janke’s blog the proposition that it’s because children no longer have value. Before you jump all over me, let me elaborate. At one point, Janke explained, children were your retirement savings plan and your health insurance. They took care of you if you were old or sick. Once the government stepped in into these roles, we didn’t “need” children in the same practical way we did before.

I would even go one step further and say that in those glorious “olden days” when people walked to school uphill both ways, children would have added economically to your household. They were expected to help on the farm or the business. Having children enabled you to have a larger house, a larger farm, and generally prosper more than you would have otherwise. Today it’s the opposite. Children don’t add; they subtract. We live in a child-centred world where it is us who are expected to work: we must drive our kids to lessons; sacrifice time to help them with homework; save a fortune for their education. When we have kids, we have more work, not less work.

And so I think there’s something else going on. If you’re a young adult surveying the parental scene, you see harried parents chronically short on cash because hockey costs so much this year. You see them tying themselves in knots because their toddler won’t sleep through the night, their seven-year-old can’t read, or their teenager has gotten into the wrong crowd. It looks like a recipe for an ulcer.

The one thing you can’t see is what’s going on inside those parents.

You don’t see what happens in the heart the first time you hold your baby. You can’t see what being a parent does to you; how it makes you love life so much more, care about the world so much more, or brings a richness to your life you never believed possible. I am not saying that non-parents can’t experience love; only that being a parent is a joy like no other, and cannot truly be comprehended until one experiences it.

There once were enough societal and economic pressures to have children that people tended to make that choice, and so they did experience that joy. Today, with those pressures gone, how many will decide not to procreate, and in so doing lose the joy that we only realize once we’ve already taken the plunge?

At one point parenthood was one of the experiences that we all had in common.

We had all gone through labour in some form or another, or stayed up all night with a child with croup, or kissed a boo-boo. Even if language or religion or culture or class separated us, we were all parents. When we lose these shared experiences we lose a shared culture. Parenting is hard work, and it requires more sacrifice today, perhaps, than it did a century ago. But it is still worth it. I know some will always choose to remain childless, and that’s okay. But I hope our country as a whole does not turn its back on parenthood. Babies are our future, and they really are irreplaceable.

After this column was out, I was interviewed on CBC radio and asked on a TV show to talk about why kids are worth it. You can see a little clip from that TV show here.

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