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When you hear the word “sexy”, does it have a negative connotation or a positive one to you?

 The world treats sex like it’s shallow, only physical, and thus rather degrading. And in our quest to reclaim sex as something which God created to be beautiful, I think sometimes we run so far in the other direction that we leave some things that God created for our good pleasure in a trash heap, for our culture to appropriate and make their own.
And then we seem to lose those things.
I think “sexy” is one of those things.

To most of us who read this blog, I would think that “sexy” and “slutty” are synonyms.

If you think of a “sexy” dress, you think of a “slutty” dress. If you think of “acting sexy”, you immediately think, “acting slutty.”
And then what do we have left?
I’m in the middle of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series this July, where everyday I post a something new about how to make sex great in your marriage. And while I’ve had a ton to say this month, today’s topic has me a little stumped.
So I’m hoping you can help!
I recently received this email from a husband who reads my blog, asking about how couples can reclaim “sexy” things, like sexy clothing, or sexy movement or poses, just for the bedroom. I think he raises an interesting question. Here’s what he’s asking:
How Can Christians Reclaim What's Sexy? What being sexy and acting sexy looks like in a good marriage.
My wife and I really appreciate your perspectives and your writing. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was a good thing for us, and we recommend it to others.
 
I have a question. One evening I commented to my wife that I thought the particular set of clothes she had on was attractive and quite sexy, and she asked me “why??”.
 
I was totally surprised!
 
That was the first time it had occurred to me that she didn’t just innately know what kinds of things are sexy. Or that everyone didn’t just know what kinds of things are sexy. I understood that men and women are attracted by different things in general. But I didn’t know that she didn’t know what I thought was sexy.
 
Of course, though the definition of that word is radically different for everyone there do seem to be some common patterns. The marketing world in particular seems to have identified certain elements of dress, position, and movement that a majority of people find attractive and sexy.
 
Unfortunately, they’ve exploited those patterns to usually poor, and often evil, purpose.
 
What I’m wondering is if there’s a good way for Christian wives to reclaim those things. To identify and re-appropriate patterns of dress, dance, movement, poses, whatever, that strike a common sexual and attractive chord in many people, and to bring them back within the bonds of marriage to strengthen and sustain their marital relationships?
 
It’s hard to learn those things for good purpose when most of the sources don’t have a good spirit about them at all. Even underwear ads that employ the above mentioned tactics, though common, are designed to get money from anyone who will give it, not to strengthen marriage.
 
In a nutshell, how can a wife (who already wants to be sexy for her husband) learn how to be sexy for her husband? How can her husband teach her when he doesn’t want to dive into worldly material?
 
Maybe the right answer is just: Have fun and figure it out on your own! What are your thoughts?
I’ve been mulling this over and I don’t have a great answer. So I thought I’d do something different today and just open it up for discussion. Here, then, are the questions:
1. Is it okay to dress “sexy” for your husband, at home?
2. Is it okay to dance or pose “sexy” for your husband, again, at home? (and for him to do the same if he wants!)
3. If yes to these questions, what would that look like? How would you decide? And how would you start to learn?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
My super quick answer is that our bodies were made to be arousing, and most men do enjoy looking at a woman’s body. As a woman, that can be intoxicating and help her to feel really powerful and confident within the marriage (and again, we’re only talking WITHIN the marriage, in the bedroom here). But I think you just have to learn by doing.
What do you think?

Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 18:

Let’s encourage him to look!

Either give your husband a lingerie fashion show tonight (with at least 3 outfits), or let him watch as you get undressed tonight. It’s okay to feel awkward!

Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.


Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?

Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Check out 31 Days to Great Sex
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