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Why is it that passion in the bedroom is so hard to experience for so many Christian women?

We’ve been talking this week about how God made sex to be amazing (with a slight detour for my post-election post!), and we started off the week looking at how sacred sex and steamy sex are not opposites at all.

One of the issues that was brought up in that post, and in the comments, is how often women feel like freedom in the bedroom is somehow a bad thing. So today, for my Marriage Moment, I thought I’d take a look at how freedom and passion all intersect when we know God!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Why Can’t More Women Feel Free in the Bedroom?

True Freedom in the Bedroom: Why do so many Christian women shy away from passion during sex? 3 reasons we don't feel freedom--and what to do about it!

Why is it that so many women feel as if they don’t have real freedom in the bedroom?

The missionary position is okay, but anything else is too worldly. We should make love a lot because our husbands need it, but to experience real passion for our husbands–well, that just seems not quite proper.

I think there are three reasons.

First, real passion involves a loss of control. To feel real sexual pleasure means that we have to turn the thinking part of our brain off and be carried away by the moment. But that’s something we women have often fought against our whole lives. We’re used to always being on the alert. That’s how we feel safe.

To turn our minds off and to just experience–that’s really scary.

And yet that’s what God wants for us. He knew that we women do feel like everything bad that happens is our fault, so we have to try so hard all the time. And so God made our sexual response to work only when we’re not trying. He wants us to feel freedom!

But that’s hard for a second reason: many of us grow up with the message that sex is primarily for men. He’s the one who needs it every 72 hours and who will be tempted if he doesn’t get release. He’s the one who is visually oriented. Sex was something we had to guard against as teenagers because it was so dangerous to boys. And the idea that a woman would have real passion of her own seems strange, because men’s passion is so dangerous. Why would we want that, too?

Then there’s the third reason: pornography and our culture have taken sex and “owned” it. They degrade sex and make it really shallow, dirty and degrading. In our rush to combat porn, we often reject everything remotely associated with it, including passionate sex. What we forget is that porn got the idea for passionate sex from how God made sex–we didn’t get the idea from porn.

We women are often raised with very weird messages about sex. Passion feels scary, because you’re out of control. Sexual passion seems dirty, because it’s associated with porn, or dangerous, because it’s associated with men’s downfall. And so we often retreat, trying to find the Christian version of “safe sex”, which is tame and loving, but not necessarily very free.

What if we reclaimed sex to be passionate for women, the way that God intended? What if we rejoiced in real vulnerability, which meant being out of control with someone you love? And what if, as we experienced more and more of God’s passion, we were able to let our guard down more with our husbands? I think that would bring some much-needed freedom to a part of life that we try far too hard to make tame.

What if we reclaimed sex to be passionate for women, too, like God intended? Click To Tweet

The Good Girls Guide to Great SexIf this is something you really struggle with, then you need to read my chapter on how sex is both hot and holy at the same time in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! If you’ve never understood real passion, it doesn’t mean you can’t. Maybe you just need to see sex in a slightly different way. I try to explain it all really well in the book, and I really do think it’s helpful for those who struggle with freedom in the bedroom.

Friday Roundup on To Love, Honor and Vacuum

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

This week it’s all about being intimate with your husband!  Keep the heat coming with these top posts and enjoy every moment!

#1 Post on the Blog: Why Do You Focus So Much On “Steamy” Sex?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life

#1 from Facebook: How To Keep A Healthy Sex Life With Teens In The House
#1 from Pinterest: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband

Here’s another comment about passionate sex:

One woman left this comment on my post about sacred sex, and I just wanted to share it here because I thought it was so important:

Being raised in a very religious conservative setting, I have no doubt that there are plenty of men and women in those settings who crave more passion and “spice”, but they also have somewhat good sex lives. The reason why they don’t go for more spice is because they think its worldly, just as you said. I think it’s primarily a lack of freedom. I’d like to say to her, “I’m so glad you’re having good sex! but don’t stop there, because it can be so much better!!” I can personally attest that the more freedom I have experienced in my walk with God, the more he has freed me from religious mindsets, and the more he heals deep places of me, the more steamy our sex life has become!! It’s not that it ever was bad, it’s just that, if there’s ways to make it better and there’s nothing God has to say against it, you might be surprised how much more stupendous it can become. It starts by becoming free in Christ, it really does. And in knowing our incredible identity in HIM. And for me, freedom to be sensual in bed with my husband has actually propelled me into more freedom in my walk with God as well. It goes both ways.

Very insightful! In fact, what I’ve found is that people who run away from sex are almost always also running away from God. They may be active in church and have a “perfect Christian life”, but they don’t understand what it means to be passionate and vulnerable. For our spiritual life to be real, we have to be able to be raw and vulnerable before God. Yet many women find that difficult. And for our sexual life to work, we have to be able to be raw and vulnerable. Someone who can’t be raw and vulnerable with sex can rarely be raw and vulnerable with God, and vice versa. So as we further understand what God meant with sex, I think we’ll also grow in our ability to have real freedom in Christ!

A Thought on Remembrance Day

Here in Canada it’s Remembrance Day, and at 11:00 am there will be ceremonies all over the country as people honour those who have fought and died in past wars. My daughter Katie will be at a ceremony today on Parliament Hill, and I wish I could be there with her–but I’m heading to the airport to go out to Alberta for a tour.

But I just want to take a moment today and recognize those who are serving in the military today, and to recognize their families who also sacrifice so much.

We appreciate you. We know that you give us so much which we can never really repay. We know that the lives that we enjoy we only enjoy because you protect our freedoms.

And for that, we are grateful.

Have a meaningful Remembrance Day, and have a wonderful weekend!

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