Why does our culture think that it’s inevitable to be a miserable mother?
Today Lisa Hensley from Delighting in My Days is here to give us a pep talk!
Here’s Lisa:
I do a lot of reading about motherhood. This is both because I am a mom and because I write about motherhood. However, if I believed a lot of what I read before I had kids I would have run as fast as I could from being a mama. There are some scary stories out there. Once you get past the worst-case scenario labor stories you start in on the I-didn’t-shower-for-two-months-and-didn’t-wear-real-clothes-for-two-years stories. None of that sounds appealing to me.
I don’t want to be the woman who is so consumed with surviving her children that she forgets herself, her relationship with God, or her husband. I don’t want to be the woman who cloaks her sob stories about how miserable life is with “but I’m so grateful for my children.” Of course you are. We all are. But wouldn’t it be better if we weren’t miserable mothers?
There are miserable days, miserable weeks, miserable months even. But just because we feel miserable doesn’t mean we have to act miserable. We don’t have to put on a show to get the sympathy of the world. I’ve been told “good luck!” just leaving the doctor’s office with my three kids. Is that what we want to tell the world about motherhood?
I’m not so far ahead that I look back on mothering small children as being all giggles and baby kisses. I have three boys. My oldest will be six this spring and he has a rare metabolic disorder. I’ve been through a lot of twists and turns in mothering. But overall I enjoy it and I think people can tell. My kids aren’t perfect and my mothering certainly isn’t but I do love our life.
How to Not Be a Miserable Mother:
1. Keep the right attitude about motherhood.
Motherhood is not martyrdom. Mothering is hard work and sometimes it seems like menial work but it is not the hardest thing that anyone has ever done. I realize that we tell our society this in an attempt to elevate the efforts of motherhood but it’s backfired because now we believe it and we feel sorry for ourselves. There are a lot of jobs that I wouldn’t trade for even on my most trying days as a mom.
Motherhood is also not all we are once we have a baby. At no point does the Bible make motherhood the supreme achievement of womanhood. A blessing and a work, yes, but never all we are. When we lose everything else to mother, we sink into misery.
2. Be a woman first.
You can take time to fix your hair and not be a bad mother. You can teach your children to play quietly while you talk to your husband and not be a bad mother. You can teach your children to get their own cup of water while you call your mom and not be a bad mother. It’s not wrong for you to paint or read or write or build alongside your children or even away from them. When your children have grown up and left you will still be stuck with you. Grow during those years so you don’t bore yourself.
3. Have a plan.
Working different jobs and going to college before I became a mom helped me so much. I learned how to manage my time and plan out my days. Have a plan for what you’re going to eat. Plan out what days you’ll go to the grocery store or run errands. Plan out when you’ll bathe the kids and what time you’ll start on dinner and when you’ll pick up toys. Keep books in the diaper bag to read at the doctor’s office. Learn some fun games or songs to occupy them while you wait in line. Your kids will learn your rhythm and know what to expect.
4. Get up before the kids.
Now this isn’t always practical. If you have a newborn you sleep as much as you can. But as soon as you are sleeping more, get up. Give yourself some time before they get up to wake up and pray and prepare for your day. Read your Bible. Do something that fires you up as a woman. Be ready to greet them with a smile instead of wishing that they wouldn’t bother you.
5. Dress for work.
Treat this mothering as work. Show up to your days as if you were filling the position of the President or the Prime Minister. If you slouch around in your sweats you’re going to feel like sitting on the couch all day. Dress for the day you want to have.
6. Train their behavior.
Of course this is a never-ending project; none of us ever “arrive.” But start somewhere. Teach them to stand in line, to speak kindly to one another, to be nice to you. The cooperation of your children will go a long way in making your days brighter.
7. Don’t mix work and family if at all possible.
I blog and stay home with my kids. It is a rare occasion that I try to do anything with the blog while my kids are awake and not in quiet time. Attempting to do quiet work that requires thought while chaos erupts around me is my ticket to becoming a crazy mama. This might not be possible for your stage of life but if it is, try it.
8. Start earlier than you think you need to.
Getting out the door with little kids can be a circus performance. Give yourself more time than you think you need to do it. That buffer in your schedule will be a sanity saver. Start breakfast earlier. Pack the diaper bag the night before. Lay out their clothes and socks and shoes. Do as much as you can beforehand.
9. Practice gratitude.
We see what we look for so often in life. Look for the beautiful parts of motherhood and your days. Thank God for the child that whispers, “I like you, Mommy” and the growth that your children are showing instead of concentrating on what’s not happening or what goes wrong.
10. Mind your friends.
If you have hang out with women who don’t appreciate motherhood or who complain about their children all the time your attitude will be colored with their negativity. Cultivate a group of friends that can share the problems of motherhood without dismissing the importance of the work. Be that type of friend for someone else.
Please don’t think that I’m never stressed out. I don’t lay around on the couch drinking coffee while my children play quietly at my feet but we do laugh. We do get places on time (most of the time). I am wearing real clothes and a real smile. I enjoy being with my boys.
You don’t have to be a miserable mama. Show the world a different version of motherhood!
Let me know: What did you do to overcome the tendency to be a miserable mother? Let me know in the comments!
Lisa Hensley is a wife, mama, and creative who helps other women know Christ and embrace their work so they can live with purpose and passion. She blogs at Delighting in my Days when her three boys are sleeping. You can also find her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am all for all 10 points, but I feel it could have used a bit more balance. Most moms aren’t privileged to stay at home with their kids, and even when they do, often their husbands work extremely long hours and are away nights even. Many moms are single moms, so they carry a much bigger burden yet, to where a list of things such as this one can be very discouraging. Lots of us moms deal with debilitating sickness. I have 3 kids 3 and under, and even with implementing most of these 10 steps I still feel like I’m drowning most of the time. I enjoy motherhood and I’m miserable almost all the time. Sorry, I really don’t want to be a naysayer, but I felt like this article over simplified motherhood a bit too much. It can come across as discouraging for those of us who truly are trying and are struggling still. I feel like a big reason why we moms are miserable actually has most to do with the lack of community in our modern world. And until we work on that, helping each other out and letting others help us, and building true deep relationships, we will feel alone and miserable.
Great point about lack of community! I remember when I was living in downtown Toronto with my two kids–when they were babies and toddlers. I made a point, everyday, of taking an outing. Our apartment was so small I’d go stir crazy if we stayed there. And there was this play group just down the street in a local school. We went almost everyday. Then we went to the library and to the museum, too, often with some friends.
They were more my “friends of convenience“. They lived in apartments near me and had kids my kids’ ages, and they were my lifeline. We hung out together all the time. But under different circumstances we likely wouldn’t have been friends. We just needed each other, and it worked. But I did get out everyday, because I needed that adult contact.
Community is definitely important. We bought a townhouse where there’s a playground and a pool because I knew I needed to be around other people.
I used to live in a city right next door to my best friend who had kids the same ages as my kids, and we’d hang out all the time. since moving into the country outside a small town, outings definitely have become harder to do, but I’m trying to do that more when I can! It definitely helps to break up the monotony.
Sometimes you have to reach out and let others know you need help. My youngest daughter fought cancer at the age of three, she turns 12 in May and is doing great. I learned to lean on anyone I trusted and ask for help. If you seem to have it all together others can’t see you need some help getting through this. For the last five years my husband has had a job that requires frequent travel. He’s gone during the week and home on weekends and sometimes this goes on for months, at the beginning it was years. I was a single mom during the week so I understand some of that challenge. Again it was asking for help that gets me through those times. I have four girls, the three oldest are teenagers so they are constantly off to some different event and juggling their schedules can be crazy at times. I did many of the ten things over the years without even realizing it and it has made things so much easier now. Not only teach them the manners part of behavior but teach them about caring for a household. My girls do all their own laundry, clean their own bathrooms, and many other chores around the house. So as it is age appropriate add chores your children can help you with. It will surprise you want a three year old can do.
Oh, I’m so glad that your daughter is doing so well! That must have been such a stressful time in your life, but it must make you appreciate your kids even more!
And you’re right–asking for help makes a huge difference. I don’t mind it when a friend asks. And I almost always say yes!
Sara, with 3 kids under 3 I can see why you struggle. I think in that case it is just the normal challenge of being in that developmental stage… Like having to deal with the constant messes that toddlers make but they can’t completely clean them up, they want to do so much and need you still most of the time but want to do it alone, just the sleep deprivation alone might cause you to feel miserable. You are in a stage of 27/4 work. You give give give. And even though you enjoy motherhood it is simply and truly physically hard and exhausting.
Keep on pressing on and in a year things will be much better. You’ll start seeing the fruit of those seeds of discipline, routine, habits, skills…
I’m with you, Sara! See my comment below. ???? You are doing great; I promise!
In no way did I mean to discourage you. You have three kids three and under! That’s an awesome responsibility and a ton of work! I mentioned at the beginning of the article that there are totally miserable seasons in motherhood; I’ve had them. But these things will help; I’ve seen them transform the way I approach mothering my kids. Prayers for you and your babies!
Thank you Lisa! I know you had no intention of discouraging anyone. And reading over my comment, I was overly negative (probably due to having an extra bad day). I want you to know that I appreciate your words of wisdom and your assurance that this is a season that will pass! 🙂
Sara, I want to encourage you the it will get easier. I have four girls just barely four years apart. I remember those days when I had three in diapers and the constant need for mommy to help with this or that, to fix meals, do laundry, clean up, kiss hurts, and on and on. In time as they get older and you continue to implement these things they do become more independent. The challenges change to more emotional with girls. I can’t tell you want to expect with boys. But I am forever grateful I taught my girls how to clean, cook, and in general just be independent. They are now 16, 15, 13, and 12 and I can go to the bathroom without being called a dozen times, read a book, have a phone call with interruption, sleep in on the weekends, etc. Keep chugging along one day at a time. Do the best you can there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi, being mother to a child that has a rare disorder is a very difficult challenge, I have been struggling with this same issue and finding the courage to see the positive side of parenthood shows strength and character.Every one of us carries a different story and struggle,and difficulties, so its good to find support and handle it the best way we can. I am a mother or two toddlers, one diagnosed with IVA , so, I am related in a certain way to her story. Reading her advise is reassuring and gives me hope that everything will be all right on the future. A lot of people are willing to help…sometimes is just about asking and meeting people. A big hug from Colombia.
Spot on.
I just want to respectfully disagree with the author’s line under number one that says motherhood is not the hardest thing anyone has ever done, just in case there are other readers like me that feel the opposite. I have had some high stress jobs (such as a wedding coordinator, for one–talk about chaos and tempers flaring) but I *still* find motherhood to be the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. I know I am not alone in this; in fact, this author is honestly the first person I’ve ever heard say otherwise! To be fair, I work in the postpartum community, but I so often encounter moms that are shocked by how hard it is. I think unrealistic expectations are part of the reason why postpartum mood disorders are now affecting 1/5 moms. I frequently reassure struggling moms that, yes, motherhood really IS this hard, and it’s NOT necessarily because they are doing something wrong. It just really is this hard. And that’s okay! Really, it is.
I agree with the author that motherhood does not have to make us miserable (although some seasons just are, in my opinion, there’s no way around it–colicky baby, anyone?), but I don’t want anyone reading this to feel they must be terrible mothers if motherhood *is* really hard for them. I have three kiddos now and this is STILL the hardest thing I have ever done. Period. It does not make me miserable (most days), but it still maxes me out. I am okay with that, because that is where God is best able to work through me. All that to say, if you are miserable (for long periods of time PPD not included), it is time to make some changes such as this author suggests; you maybe be outside God’s plan for motherhood. It took me three kids before I was able to balance self care for myself and my marriage, but I am in a great place right now in all of those areas. But guess what, motherhood is *still* the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’m okay with that!
Amen Kay! I also think, at least from MY experience, lack of training for today’s mothers makes for a huge learning curve! When you have zero experience with babies, toddlers, small children and then SURPRISE! you’re pregnant, what happens? You don’t just magically know how to care for these little humans!! I struggle every day with feeling like a terrible mom because I don’t know what I’m doing. I think a lot of the misery is also the lack of self worth in the mom’s heart. I don’t think moms are sharing their struggles to get sympathy. I think we share to get a “Hey! Me too!” and maybe some suggestions for help too!
Angie, yes! It is so hard because we don’t learn any of it beforehand. I really think some of these tips will help when you don’t know where to start but there’s nothing like real life friends to let you know you’re not alone and give some ideas for how they solved those problems.
Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I just don’t believe it’s the hardest thing in the world. Thankfully I learned a lot going from postpartum with number 1 to postpartum with number 3, such as giving grace to myself and asking for help. It’s hard. I mentioned that there are miserable seasons. But I truly believe that God intended for motherhood to be a joy as well. It just might take some time to find the footing for that. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Thank you for your encouragement Kay! It means a lot. I agree with what you said about the unrealistic expectations in our culture. There is so much pressure and so much judgement, mostly from other moms, and it literally sucks the wind out of our sails. I’m slowly learning to balance self care and being a mom and wife, after many burnouts. I’ve struggled a lot with feeling like I’m not worth spending money and time on. It’s nobody’s fault in particular, it was just the way I was raised, that this is what women are supposed to do.
I really appreciate this line: “At no point does the Bible make motherhood the supreme achievement of womanhood.” At 32 years old, so many times I feel insignificant next to my peers because I’m not a mother. But I know God doesn’t look at me that way. And if I do become a mother, I will have to remember my kids can’t become #1 in my life. God still has to be. And my marriage will have to also take precedence.
Amen, Ashley! And don’t ever feel small because you aren’t a mom.
How does one train for motherhood? You don’t. You may have all the necessary skills, but until you become a mother you won’t really know how to execute, and since every child is different some of those skills go right out the window.
But the mindset is important – being grateful, taking time for yourself makes a huge difference. You will be tired – that’s par for the course, but you can still enjoy life and motherhood. Every stage brings its own challenges from the young physically draining stage to the older more emotionally draining stages.
Just know you’re not in this alone. I have raised 3 and have one more at home.
as a wife who has been dealing w/ infertility for 5 yrs. now & who sometimes questions why i really do want children so badly, lisa, you have reminded me once again. thank you for being honest but positive! i understand there are seasons that are terrible, but my husband & i have already survived quite a few of them already, so w/ God’s strength & by His grace, i’m sure if we ever have children, He’ll get us through the tough children seasons as well w/o being miserable parents.
Joanna,
Thank you for sharing. I’m praying for grace for your life and marriage!
As to whether mothering is the hardest job: I was a surgeon before I retired to stay home with my two little kids. Several times a week I catch myself wishing I could go back to being a surgeon, because then there would be some down time, and I could take a break, with just me and my book, no babies waking up when they’re not supposed, wanting to eat, wanting potty or diaper help, wanting to be held all.the.time. It’s not always physically or mentally harder, though there are moments; it’s the never-stoppingness that’s hard.
Exactly Alice!!!! NO OTHER JOB is 24 hours a day 7 days a week for months on end with NO BREAKS NO PTO NO VACATION!!!!! I’ve thought about going back to work so I can put my daughter in daycare just so I could take a day off one day!!!!!! I love her fiercely but a 10 minute shower is NOT A BREAK!!!!!
I want to thank all of you dear ladies for reading my comment and taking the time to respond. It’s good to hear that it’s a season and that someday I’ll be able to read books again and shave my legs more than once a month haha. 😀
Is there anyone here who can steer me in the direction of a chat/blog that I can join that talks about mother hood, the joys and pains and about the hardships of being a mother and a wife. I am really struggling right now with being a stay at home mom, with two girls, almost 4 and 20 months. My husband works out of town for a week at a time, and we are stuck home while he is away. Then he comes home for a week(no work) and we kind of struggle because he want to go do things and I want him home, with me to help with the kids because I am burnt out…this is a continuous cycle and I just need to know that I am not alone and that there are other people that can help give me support and that I can connect with to offer support! Thank you so much!!
I love the Gentle Christian Mothers message board.
I love this post! I’m a homeschooling mom of 5 and mothering is currently my career. I take it seriously, the job that is, but take each moment lightly. We try to laugh and have fun.
I get dressed every day in my workout clothes. (I have nice ones that my husband loves.) That way I can fit my workout I whenever.