Don’t let sex become a chore
A few weeks ago a young wife caused quite a stir when she wrote an article called “The Night I Gave My Husband a Free Pass.” I won’t link to it because I think quite a few of you would find the site itself and the language objectionable, but let me summarize.
Basically, they seem to have a great marriage. They’re good friends, they parent well together, they do stuff together. But she has no libido, and making love when she doesn’t feel like it is degrading and gross, she says. And she doesn’t understand why sex has to be a part of marriage. It all seems so silly. Why give up a perfectly good relationship just because the sex isn’t there? So her solution is this: he can have an affair or use a prostitute, it’s honestly okay with her. In fact, she’d appreciate it because then he’d stop bothering her and they could go on with their real lives together!
A number of you have sent that article to me and asked me to comment, but I haven’t really had time what with wedding preparation (9 Days and Counting!). But I’ve had some men send me some material that I think is really useful for women who start getting into that frame of mind.
I’m sure the vast majority of us have never thought, “just go use a prostitute.” But this wife sees sex with her husband as such a chore that she would rather hire it out. Here’s Matt Jacobson talking about why thinking of sex as a chore is NEVER a good idea–and what we can do instead.
And here’s a thoughtful response to that article written by one of my male readers, Jack Lopez, who sent it along to me. I thought you all may appreciate it:
He writes to the author,
Wow! Thank you for opening up a discussion about this.
I realize that it probably started as just venting and that there are a lot more dynamics to your marriage than just what is shown in this article, and while it is a testament to how understanding your husband is, it is really sad to hear all of the pain and frustration (on both sides of the fence) going on. I appreciate your honesty, and your husband sounds like a pretty normal guy. For you and your readers, please let me share some insight from 25 years (and counting) of marriage. (And know that none of this is meant to attack you in any way – please read to the end and you will see my heart)
My wife has been through a lot of health issues, including cancer & complications which resulted in having a mastectomy with no reconstruction, a year of chemo causing the loss of all of her hair, and weight gain due to the drugs she was on. So we had plenty of body issues to go around! (She has been cancer free for over 7 years now, which we are very thankful for) We also have a whole herd of mouths to feed and chores to do, active businesses in addition to outreach and counseling. We have had our ups and downs in the sex department, with all of the obligatory fights and start-overs and it continues to be an ongoing challenge. I like most husbands am pretty lousy at communicating in this arena.
That being said we love each other very much and neither of us has ever cheated.
I still am just as attracted to her as the day we met. We both have a strong faith and relationship with God which makes a difference through the hard times.
So, here are seven insights that I hope will help you and your readers:
1) Your husband is a smart guy.
While I have often thought that if prostitution was moral and legal it would make marriage easier for all the reasons you described, that’s not the way we were designed. It’s abusive to women involved in the industry, soul crushing to all involved and would be toxic to your relationship and kids. (just imagine trying to explain to your kids why daddy got arrested for soliciting a prostitute, or when his sugar baby shows up on your doorstep telling you that you should divorce him because you can’t make him happy like she does). So like your husband says, it’s not sex he wants, it’s sex with you, the woman he loves and would lay down his life for. It is a spiritual connection between two people that have committed their lives to each other, and there is no other place he can get that.
Everything else is just a counterfeit.
Even if it is not “cheating” to you, it would be “cheating” to him, which would come with the shame, guilt, confusion, etc… that goes along with it.
2) You are too busy.
No woman is going to feel in the mood after being sleep deprived from taking care of the kids, cleaning the house and working. So make some changes! You said your husband would not mind if you hired a cleaning service, or ate take out a few nights a week. Do it! Get some help, hire a sitter, take some “me” time, go to the spa, have lunch with a friend. See, your husband understands what is important. He can hire someone to clean, cook and babysit, but you are the only person that can make him feel loved, appreciated and connected to. (For you ladies, try telling your husband that you need to hire someone to help around the house so you can focus on having more sex with him and see how fast he finds room in the budget for it.)
Ten years from now your kids aren’t going to care if you personally did not scrub the kitchen floor, they will care if they had a father that was angry and depressed most of the time.
3) Sex is not just physical.
Sex makes your husband feel loved, cared for, and connected to you. He draws self esteem and happiness from the fact that you desire him, and that he can still “ring your bell”. When he sees you spend countless hours on the house, the kids, your job, he knows that those things are very important to you by the fact you give your precious time and energy to them. When you can’t make 30-45 minutes a week to meet his physical needs, or make it seem like an undesirable chore, you tell him that his real place on your list is somewhere below vacuuming and changing dirty diapers.
No matter how many times you say you love him, your actions say differently. Now a note here: if you have lost respect for your husband because of something he is or has done, then you need to address and resolve it. If you do not love and respect your husband, your kids will not either, which will open them up to a whole slew of issues.
4) You are making it more difficult / stressful than it needs to be.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Husbands are actually pretty easy to keep happy. To make his wife happy, your husband has to be a breadwinner, a mentor, example and loving father to your kids, plan for the future, maintain the mechanics of the house and vehicles, have good ears to attentively listen to your hopes, dreams, be understanding of your moods and struggles, a shoulder to cry on and to be a wall of protection between your family and an ever increasingly crazy world.
The effort to make your husband happy involves ten minutes of physical activity that ends with you occasionally having screaming orgasms. (I’ve often said to my wife after she has a particularly strong climax, “Why would you not want to do that every day?”)
Not that every single time it has to be “mind blowing”. We know that sometimes you are not in the mood, and do it anyways and we appreciate it. There is “maintenance sex” and then there is “roll around in the bed hot and heavy sex” and lots in between, but it is all good to us. Don’t get hung up on your performance, just enjoy it.
Have You Heard of the Boost Your Libido Course?
If your libido really is sub-zero, I want to help you BOOST it–and get to the point where you actually WANT sex again!
In this 10-module video course, I walk you step-by-step through understanding what libido is, identifying your roadblocks to libido, and figuring out how to turn yourself ON again! And we look at how the brain, body, and emotions all contribute to our desire (or lack of it). It’s super fun, and right from the beginning you’ll experience HOPE that you really can anticipate and yearn for sex in your marriage!
5) It is about quantity as much as quality.
Men need sex on a regular basis. Women like it to happen organically, but when you are married with kids, that is darn near impossible. You don’t “spontaneously” take your kids to soccer practice, or wait until you are in the mood to take them to school or feed them. My wife made a chart once to show examples how my anger and resentment were not at all a turn on, but being thoughtful and kind first and helping out around the house, and then doing romantic things moved her closer to the place where she felt loved and connected and desired intimacy.
I found it to be helpful, but it also struck me that for men, it works 180 degrees opposite. When we have just been intimate, we feel loved, connected, we want to help out around the house, buy you flowers, and show kindness. After it’s been a couple of days, we feel less connected, especially if we have been rejected in between. By the time a week has gone by we feel unappreciated, confused and frustrated. Two weeks and we feel taken for granted, resentful and angry. Longer and we are distant, despondent and depressed. (even if we hide it)
So stop the cycle! Schedule a date night every week or two (which does not have to include sex), but also schedule time for intimacy. Don’t underestimate the power of a good “quickie”!
6) It is the best thing for your kids.
Your husband is more important than your kids. He is the one you made a covenant with. Your kids are going to grow up and leave you and start families of their own. He is going to be with you for the rest of your life. The greatest gift you can give your children is a father that is respected, loved, happy and connected to the family. And you are the one with the power to make it so.
7) Fix it now.
Let me paint two scenarios. In scenario #1, you take some part of my advice and choose to show him that love through physical affection. (which isn’t just sex: holding hands, hugging and “real” kisses are just as important) Your husband is stress free and happy, involved with the kids, prizes you above all else, and the two of you live a long and fulfilling life.
In scenario #2, you continue for the next 3 to 5 years saying “sex just isn’t important right now I will get to it later” which says to your husband, “you are just not important to me right now, I will get to you later”. He becomes resentful, angry and depressed. He tries to hide it, but becomes more distant.
You have sex every once in a while, but it is mechanical and unfulfilling. Eventually he just gives up. Your kids grow up with a father that is physically or emotionally absent. He finds reasons to work late and hobbies that isolate him from the family. Maybe one day he takes you up on your “free pass”, but by then he sees that “free pass” as a one way ticket out of a relationship that he does not get anything out of.
Or maybe he sticks around and becomes bitter and emasculated, you never say a kind word to each other, you start sleeping in separate rooms, he becomes addicted to porn (not because he thinks other women are prettier than you, but because he is captivated by the fact that some women appear to still desire and enjoy sex). If he doesn’t leave or die early from stress/depression, then by the time the kids are out of the house and you finally have “time for sex”, you hate each other and are so far apart that without divine intervention you either get divorced “now that the kids are gone” or spend the rest of your life making each other miserable because it is all you know how to do.
I am hoping that you opt for scenario #1. If you do, as the saying goes: Just do it. There will be ups and downs, life will happen in between and everything will be ok, because you will have a happy husband by your side, to help, protect, provide and take on the world with you.
Jack is starting to get his views known on the web at his website, Insightful Guy Musings. He’s an ordained minister who once bought Vladimir Putin a drink. And he says he played a small part in the financial collapse of 2007.
I appreciate his thoughts, but I’d love to know: what do you think? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
If she has NO libido, she probably needs to get some counseling to find out why, and also check for any possible medical indications of problems. She may WANT to do all the things you describe, but having no libido it is possible that she can not get aroused, can not get lubricated (naturally), which can cause pain, not to mention the emotional abuse that is felt by laying there being a “piece” for him. This is especially true if he is like “most” (sorry, very broad generalization!) men, who don’t know how to make love to their woman. If she “takes one for the team” or just does it out of obligation, she would be remiss to just lay there and not participate, but if she is not able to get her brain around having fun and being playful, she will feel like she is “acting” and it will be a fake performance, which is also degrading, not to mention unfair to him. the only way to fix this is through prayer and counseling. I hope someone will recommend that to her. She deserves it for herself and her husband!
I think this is a bit one-sided. My husband is NOT easy to please. HE is the one who puts everything else above me. And men aren’t the only ones who [after] “Two weeks we feel taken for granted, resentful and angry. Longer and we are distant, despondent and depressed.” My husband gets angry with me all the time because I am depressed over our sex life. I wish HE would give ME a free pass! I get tons of offers and it stinks that every man in the world but my husband is attracted to me.
I feel the same way girl. I know where you are coming from. I don’t want to say maybe he isn’ t straight but I wonder sometimes. Or some men just want what they can’t have. It is terrible (for me too) to be in a relationship where it’s supposed to feel special and you are a plus 1 to a relationship like ours where we don’t mean nothing and they already got us in the bag. It’s so degrading.
*DROPS MIC*
Thanks man, best compliment ever. 😉
Is sex a wifely duty only? What if we socialized Christian husbands to take an interest in pleasuring their wives? If sex has become a chore, that could be an indicator that somebody lacks creativity, inspiration, vitality. Variety is the spice of life. You don’t have to go outside the marriage for variety.
Well said. And for the record, I think telling a husband to just “go take care of yourself” will have many of the same effects.
That is such an insane thing to say to your spouse, “Go have an affair or go to a prostitute”. I’m super happy the husband has said no to that, but I wonder what sort of seed she has planted in his mind. I’d say telling a spouse to have an affair is akin to saying, “Our relationship is over”. Seriously though, you guys did a better job of having patients with the response on this one than I would have had. Good job.
Some of his response, I found downright ridiculous. In regards to his #3, I don’t spend countless hours on my house as to say my husband isn’t as important. I try to keep a clean house for him. When I’m spending time cooking, it’s for him to have a delicious meal. When I’m up late with the little one, it’s so he can sleep since he get’s up early for work. I find it quite insulting to say that I do these things as though they’re more important than him. #4 the demands I put on him? Maybe he does those himself? If sex is the only thing that makes a husband happy, then why even be married? #5 If quality is what’s important then you should go talking about quantity. You contradict yourself here. Your #2 scenario is just crazy to me. A marriage will fall apart just based on sex or lack thereof? He moves to porn so that’s the wife’s fault? There pretty much was nothing about this response that I found insightful or helpful. I mostly found it hurtful.
Hello Jenn, thanks for your honest comments, please see my reply below.
The comments that Jenn makes are much the same responses I would expect from my wife. While I can see the viewpoint and opinion being expressed, the way each of us see things from our own perspective is greatly different. I read much of what Jack states as exactly how I feel. My wife will not even engage in discussions about increase frequency and occasionally attempting to enjoy sex. She refuses to engage in intercourse without climaxing herself. I say this to show she obviously enjoys sex once it is occurring or on certain occasions, but she has stated in the past that she views it as a chore. My wish for more quantity and quality is not to degrade her or anything she does. I want the two of us to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, together, and for each other. If my wife were to read this blog entry, she would certainly state the same things that you are stating. My wish is to know how to better communicate the ways I feel and dread happening (scenario #2) It is the path we are currently on, resentment, stress, self-doubt, ending in sure ruin. It may seem trivial to some, but increased intimacy would go a long way to righting this surely dreadful course we are currently destine for.
Did you make any headway?
I love this and it’s something I will pass to my daughter who is recently married. My husband and I have been happily married for 21 years and have 10 children. We work at our marriage and sex life because it’s important- not easy! These are principles I’ve learned and I’m grateful you have it all written out because you’re better with words! But I feel sorry for couples who don’t know how to put their spouses needs ahead of their own. I’ve always had my needs met by doing that!
I so wish sex wasn’t just physical, but to my husband it is. He used porn for years, and is making changes. But what I’m finding is that some of the soul-deep effects of the porn use are still there. It affects how he views sex even though we are both Christians, and I’ve tried to get him to see sex the right way. I know this isn’t true of every marriage, and God bless the men who are truly using sex as a way of expressing their deep love to their wives!
Hello AC, never underestimate the power of a praying wife. (some good Christian counseling can do wonders as well) 😉
There is no point telling someone to “just enjoy it” if they cant. And not everyone can afford a housekeeper so they are less stressed and thus have more time for sex. This whole text is basically saying “pay more attention to sex because HE needs sex and if you give him sex (and you better have fun while your doing it!) then he will be more loving and help around the house….I think its hurtful and one sided too.
Hello Amanda, there is a lot more to it than that. Please read my follow-up clarifications below. Grace and Peace!
To all the women complaining about this article: you know whats funny, This article could have been addressed to men, with just a few small changes:
When Romance seems like a chore
1) Your wife is a smart girl
2) You are too busy.
3) Romance is not just physical.
4) You are making it more difficult / stressful than it needs to be.
5) It is about quantity as much as quality.
6) It is the best thing for your kids.
7) Fix it now.
And ALL the same reasoning would apply to the man who failed in the romance department. And any man who would complain would be castrated for it. Yet there is a double standard: men aren’t allowed to complain about lack of sex (or in my case, little to no sex – 8 times in the last 3 years) – and if they do, its probably their own fault anyways. But if women complain about lack of romance, the whole stadium rises up and screams in agreement, and it -couldn’t- be the woman’s fault, and then burns the men in effigy.
Hi, John
Absolutely brilliant and completely true. God has long been convicting me of my double standard – its okay for me to just want to cuddle and watch a Rom-Com with my man, but not okay if he wants sex? If I want the romance, then I need to put out a bit. And I loved this article – this site is mostly for women and the letter is addressed to a woman. If it was for a man, I am pretty sure the author would’ve written from the angle you mentioned above. Thank you for pointing that out. Sex is important not because our husband’s say it is – but because God says it is.
John, I get your point, but I think the women reading this fall into a couple groups. The ones who have husbands who are pretty much what they should be but aren’t perfect are the first group. A lot of this article would apply to this group, I think. The second group of women has so much pain from husbands using porn or verbally abusing them, or other extremely unhealthy and devastating things. When this group reads this article, some points can just feel like a slap in the face. Does that make sense?
Thank you, very well said. And I am a woman and a wife! But you are right. Wow, if you can’t love your husband enough to want to hear how to make him happy because you are too concerned that he is not making you happy, your marriage is in trouble. Try thinking about how to be a better wife and how to love another person. You cannot control anyone but yourself.
AC, I just read your response. I was not responding to what you said, I was responding to John’s original comment. Obviously if you have some cruel hateful husband you have deeper issues than I was addressing.
And sadly, this is where I am. I have tried to get my lady to stop throwing around “sex” to define our making love. It isn’t just “sex”, for the love of God! If it were that, and I WERE that shallow and immoral I would have cheated or left her long ago. I want HER, not anyone else on Gods green earth. I have toughed it out and continue to do so, in the hope that we can work this out somehow.
But I know if I were to withhold intimacy from her she would likely have hit the road long ago.
What a horror.
I am the sole source of income (she doesn’t have to, nor does she work), there are no children (unless 2 cats count-lol), she admits I “make her want for nothing”, she admits “i love the way you love me”, I am wildly romantic and even write poems, sonnets and prose to her. I take her out at least once a week to a nice dinner, I clean, cook often (I trained at Escoffier) frequently show up home with little gifts and flowers, tell her DAILY how I love, honor, respect and desire her.
I have done all I can to remove sources of stress, fatigue or time-consuming things for her. I am out of ideas.
What more can I do to make her want to be with me intimately? I even keep fit so she never needs to see me as fat/old.
….And yet we live like flatmates.
And I am at fault for trying to bring up the issue, even to speak about it in an effort to work on it.
You sound like a great guy. Wish my husband would do just a bit of what you do for your wife.. That would make me happy and desire him more.
Maybe you do too much for her, or she is spoiled and she takes you for granted. Maybe if you did less for her and more for yourself, she might take notice and smarten up.
I don’t ever write responses on blogs. I’m a soft spoken woman unless I feel very strongly about something, and then I speak out. I feel very strongly about how this article came across and how it made me feel. I read it in hopes that it would bring guidance, encouragement, and help. Instead, I felt very confused and shocked by what I read. It was quite disheartening and disturbing. When I read things that I feel are in line with the Spirit and with Truth, be it convicting or uplifting I walk away feeling filled and feeling peace, but this post instead left me feeling sick to my stomach. I’m sure that was not at all the intention of the writer, but to be honest it felt abusive and degrading to women. What comes to my mind when I think of marriage, is not solely “sex” which is an incredible part of marriage, but the beauty of being able to display to this world the deep love between Christ and the church, His bride. Ephesians 5:25-33 New International Version (NIV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
If a husband is to be like Christ, he is the Head. It is not dependent on the wife to bring happiness to the husband, just as Christ is not dependent on the Church for his happiness. When we are “intimate” with Christ it is a wonderful thing as when we are intimate in marriage it is truly good, but Christ Himself pursues us, chases after us, is always wooing us to Him by showing us His love and His heart for us. It starts with Him. Not us. If marriage is to reflect that unity, then I believe it starts with the husband, not the other way around. As Christ pursues, and continues daily to reveal His love to us, how can we not open up to Him, and give ourselves fully to Him when we see God’s heart? I believe it’s the same in marriage, a woman when she sees the heart of her husband will want to give herself to him. God is an orderly God, I believe he intended it to be this way, it’s even reflected in our physically anatomy. The parts of a man lead, but can not get to where they need to go without the woman opening up. He can force his way in, command or demand his way in, or in love, a woman can open herself up to him. Christ is ever loving and pursuing us, a husband was designed with the great honor of reflecting this. I came across this article just tonight as I was researching other opinions. It’s written by a husband, I think it lines up with what I’m trying to say. http://www.sbts.edu/blogs/2014/09/24/lay-your-life-down-for-your-life-a-guide-for-husbands/
But either way, we are each responsible for our own lives, and how we live. What matters truly is that we know and love Christ and live a life of love while we are here on this earth, and I think everyone writing and responding here is probably in agreement about that. We are brothers and sisters in the body of Christ so we are eternal family. 🙂 It’s good to have discussions though, but it’s not the most important thing.
I actually really like what he had to say. I think it was truthful from a man’s perspective. Similar to a lot of your articles it has real, practical advice that can be implemented in life. I definitely don’t think this man thinks sex is the end all be all, but he’s addressing it because that’s the topic at hand. I definitely wouldn’t mind you sharing more of his stuff from time to time like your other guest bloggers. I love your approach to sex and marriage. It is done in such a loving way. A lot of other christian writing about sex is very…sad. Yours makes me excited about how sex SHOULD be and I love that. I also appreciate your guest blogs because its a slightly different style and I get some variety since I’m not super big into blogging and really only follow 2 people, so thanks and keep it up 🙂
Hello Tiffany, thank you for the kind words. 🙂
I usually agree with and love what Sheila presents, but I found this guy unhelpful. The above comment by Jenn pretty much summed up my impression. I read this aloud to my husband and even he was saying things like, “This guy is shallow.” And, “This guy doesn’t have a clue.”
Thanks for reading my post, I agree that taken out of context, some of it can seem a bit shallow and even jerk-ish, please read my follow-up / clarification below.
Hello Jenn, Thanks for reading and your honest comments on my post! (and thanks to Shelia for publishing it) I’d like to mention that it was edited for brevity/clarity. If you’d like to read the raw version, you can at my site in the link above. I very much understand the feelings that you are expressing, and they are obviously shared by more than a few women out there. For the sake of you and the other readers, please let clarify a few of the points, so you can hear my heart. (and know that none of this is directed at you or meant to attack you I am just answering your concerns)
1) This was originally written as a response to a woman who is not a Christian, married to someone who is also not a practicing Christian who had decided that because her husband had declined to take her up on her offer of a free pass, that she could basically ignore his sexual needs for the next 2-5 years and that he would be OK with that. Because of that, and some of the other ways she looked at life, my response was intentionally a little blunt/harsh and focused on one particular topic. I can see how it sounds a bit jerk-ish out of context. (FYI, I did find the original author on facebook and relayed my comments. She said thought there was some good insight there and would seriously consider some of my suggestions)
2) This is advice written to a couple that have an otherwise healthy marriage. If you are in a relationship where your spouse is physically abusive, or has destructive addictions (drugs, gambling, infidelity) then you should seek help about how to protect you and your children.
3) I am not condoning porn in any way, shape or form. It is abusive to the women (and men) involved in it, and toxic to a marriage relationship. It is also often (not always) a precursor to other, more risky behaviors. Remember though, I am writing this to a couple that do not draw their morals from the God of the Bible, because it is widely accepted by popular culture, statistically there is a good chance that her husband would have that struggle while his wife was ignoring that part of their marriage. My point in bringing this up, was that the most common thing married men find tempting/alluring about porn, is not what the actresses look like, but their enthusiasm and willingness, which is what they miss the most about their post honeymoon sex-life.
4) The advice that I am giving is to let her know how most normal married men think about this subject in our 21st century American culture. I am not saying this is the “right” or “perfect” way, but it is how most men are wired in this country. (note: even though we like to think that Adam and Eve walked out of the garden straight into America, we are not the end all of things) Think for a minute about other cultures today and through history, where marriages were arranged, or men had multiple wives, or when wives were taken as spoils of war. (all of which are governed by regulations in the Old Testament by the way) You can bet that the dynamics of those marriages are very different from our own. Again, not saying any of this is the “right” or “perfect” way. I just feel the need to say the things that most husbands don’t have the guts to. (Or maybe they are just smarter than I am and don’t want the fight. – for you ladies that let your husband read this and he loudly denies it is how he feels, this is likely the case 😉 )
5) On things around the house. We do appreciate it when you cook, clean and take care of the family. But we also know that if we were suddenly taken out of the picture, you would still cook, clean and do all the laundry. You appreciate the fact that we go to work and provide for you, but you also know that if something were to happen to you, we would not just quit our jobs and sit on the couch all day. Sex is the one thing that you do for him and him alone. (well, you should be doing it for yourself as well) But is the one gift that you can give him that no one else can. See, as the woman’s husband pointed out, it is not just about sex, it is about a spiritual connection with the only other person on this earth he has chosen to dedicate spending his life with. It is the thing that makes us feel wanted, desired, empowered. It says to us that we are on the same team and provides the intimacy and connection that forms a bond like no other. And while it is not the only thing that drives us happiness in marriage, if that isn’t working, nothing else works well either. So if cooking and cleaning is truly getting in the way of that to the point it is causing problems in your sex life, then outsource it! Most people can’t afford to hire a full time maid, but I’ll bet you can scrape together a couple hundred dollars a month to get someone to help with the heavy cleaning. I feel the same way about mowing the lawn. It’s pointless, it is going to need to be cut again in two weeks, it does nothing to further the Kingdom of God, so I pay someone else to do it. (which blesses them) Now if you get endless enjoyment and energy out of keeping an immaculate house and cooking five star meals, then that’s great. Find something that you don’t like doing, and pay someone else to do it. It will take off some stress, make you happy, bless someone else, and free up some time and energy for things that are more lasting and important. (and that connection with your husband falls into that category)
6) It is Quality AND Quantity. There are three simple things that a man desires in marriage. Lots of sex, a partner that is enthusiastic about it, and a little variety. (ok and meat loaf and pumpkin pie every once in a while) If we have that going for us, there is nothing the world can throw at us that we can’t tackle.
7) This is not one-size-fits-all advice. Everyone has a past and brings their own set of baggage into a marriage, there are issues to work out, things to learn (I began to wonder how I survived for 22 years before getting married, did you know that you are not supposed to wipe the kitchen floor with the dish towel? who knew?) there are times when you are doing well and healthy, and times that you might be out of work and battling cancer. But you stand along side each other, you work together, you walk out your love for each other in real, tangible ways, maybe its digging trenches at 2am in the freezing rain because the barn is flooding, maybe its shaving your head to be in unity when she is going through chemo, maybe it is just lots of heartfelt hugs when times are tough. In the nearly 25 years I have been married there have been plenty of ups and downs, but I have found that the real key is to never stop giving, never stop working on things, never stop looking for opportunities to heal, protect and serve each other.
Ok. I think one of the main problems here and with the issue in general is that we are talking sex. Sex. What the heck happened to “MAKING LOVE”????? I am a woman, and wife, who totally needs physical intimacy to feel loved and appreciated. But I need for my husband to give me his heart during our intimate moments just like any other woman. Of course, not even I want to have “sex” if it’s just physical!! And as for husbands being berated for their wanting sex being publicly known, please. Try being wife with a strong physical drive. We have to keep it secret cause there’s something “wrong” with us or we will “embarrass” our husbands. If you want more sex with your wife, try telling her your need to make love, feel connected, and DO try your best to make it a good experience for her! Read some books on the subject. They have them at Barnes and Noble. Its not porn, it’s education.
Re: point #4: what woman wants to be done in ten minutes? Few women are going to have “screaming orgasms” that quickly, or any at all. And what if you don’t have any no matter how long you spend? This came across as a very male-centric view. The main point of the article isn’t wrong, but the tone of it was not very helpful.
I loved this article. As a woman I respect that my man is made differently than I. In the same way that I need him to see me for who I really am, I understand that one of his major needs is to feel loved from me, a lot of that plays out in sex. It’s not just physical, but you can’t get past the physical part, so why try to fight it? Why not embrace who your husband is as you want and expect him to embrace who you are? I’ve found that being resentful or thinking of my husband as shallow for his sex needs really hinders our intimacy. Instead I try to appreciate the differences God intentionally made between us as mam and woman. and I find that I enjoy the unimaginable between us as well. It doesn’t always come easy, but I agree it’s essential to a healthy, intimate marriage.
* sorry for the typos! Man and woman not mam, and intimacy not ‘unimaginable’ lol
I understand this advice in theory, but what this, and similar advice, misses is the emotional impact on a woman who just “does it for her husband.” This is an especially difficulty issue for those of us who have suffered previous sexual abuse issues and can trigger unwanted feelings and flashbacks.
Very true. That’s how I feel when I overly encourage myself to ‘so it’ at times. It would trigger not so nice thoughts.
I just read this article. If the only way to make your husband happy and feel loved is the have sex with him is ridiculous. I I had a hysterectomy at 27 and I don’t think sex is that big of a deal I do still enjoy it but me and my husband are not doing as much as we did when we first got married and he is perfectly fine with are sex life he just appreciates it a lot more now than he did when we were younger and doing it every single day that he still feels loved he still appreciates when we do have sex. this complete article is ridiculous and makes a woman feel like all she is a sex object that needs to satisfy her man so he feels loves and happy in his marriage
Interesting article. You mirrored lots of things my husband has told me before.
Excellent and sober sane response!!! This woman is lucky to be married to a believer at all since from her suggestion it is evident she has absolutely zero respect for God and His Word, no wonder she has any at all for her husband or any other human being – as even just tolerating prostitution, not to mention to encourage it especially to your own husband is extremely sick to say the least.
God have mercy on this woman if for no other reason her husband’s sake and may reveal Himself to her and give her grace to repent and receive Him into her heart and get saved. Amen!
I believe everything you say. But, what about the way I feel about sex being a chore is because my husband puts my feelings and our children, who are adults now, beneath him. I was a very loving, adoring wife who gave him all he wanted, but I wasn’t good enough in aex, so he cheated on me. I needed him so much I lived with this and never left him. He was a very abusive father to our two sons, but more abusive to our oldest, whom he still is today over issues that have broken out family apart. I have spoken about these issues and told him how it hurt me, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with him and doesn’t care. So no I don’t feel like having sex with him. Things are suppose to go both ways in a relationhip. I can do everything you suggested, but I don’t get anything back. My feelings still don’t count, never have and never will.
Hi Deborah,
I’m so sorry for this! It really sounds like you have issues that need to be dealt with that have nothing to do with sex. If you’re married to someone who is abusive to you and/or your kids, that needs to be dealt with first. I write about this a lot in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and I have a longer post on it here, on the Top 10 Truths about Emotionally Destructive Marriages. I hope those help you!
I am not in my first marriage and everything he said I have learned in my past marriages as being the more sexual spouse . I am a newlywed now . And when I met my now husband we both pretty much had this convo cause he had been in a sexless marriage and refused to do it again. I was the same way. You can’t turn your spouse down repeatedly and think it’s not going to have an effect on them and Your marriage . You be suprised how many men withhold
Sex from
Being too tired etc too
“To make his wife happy, your husband has to be a breadwinner, a mentor, example and loving father to your kids, plan for the future, maintain the mechanics of the house and vehicles, have good ears to attentively listen to your hopes, dreams, be understanding of your moods and struggles, a shoulder to cry on and to be a wall of protection between your family and an ever increasingly crazy world.”
Hmmm…My husband does exactly one of these things (he’s a pretty OK dad) but refuses to do or even discuss any of the others…is it any wonder I’m not in the mood much???
Awesome info! As a wife I needed this info. Just feel like I’m last, he waits until late to come to bed. I feel silly initiating sex…it’s all crazy, but understanding what our once a month frequency is doing helps. Thanks
So….. I get all this, and I want to please my partner… but my body just does not want too. I am not turned on, I cant naturally lubricate, and when I do have sex to please him, Im lay there like an object thinking, please hurry up im not enjoying this etc etc.
I’m sorry, Rhiannon. I really am. Have you had your testosterone levels checked? The fact that you can’t get aroused and can’t lubricate is concerning. Otherwise, have you looked at my Boost Your Libido course? It may help you.
I very much enjoyed this article!! I am of the opinion, if my husband and marriage is my #1 priority (as it is for me) then I need to do what it takes to keep it healthy. And I expect my husband to do the same for me. If I need to live in a dirty house or spend more time relaxing so I can be intimate with him, then that’s what I have to do. I expect him to make time to make me feel emotionally satisfied in return. I recognize I don’t know everything about marriage, but my heart was touched by what seems a simple plea for more physical affection. In the last few months I cried when my husband didn’t feel like having sex, not because I needed to get off, but because I didn’t feel as emotionally close to him when we didn’t do it regularly. And I missed him. I can relate then, if a man were to feel the same. He just wants to be close to you, and that’s how he feels it the best.
So what do you say to the wife who has never had an orgasm, and for whom the physical aspect of sex is just unpleasant and uncomfortable? I really don’t understand how people enjoy this at all, but obviously my husband does. We have sex fairly often, sometimes I have a good attitude and sometimes I’m quiet but just hoping it will be over quickly because I’m so tired and being touched so much makes me want to cry. We married as virgins, there have been no affairs and no porn, I just don’t like sex.
I believe this article is so true, it even made me emotional. I’ve been married 20 years and together for 25. My wife acts like sex is a chore which is what lead me here. I couldn’t understand because she can have up to 6 orgasms in one session but then we go barren again for extended spells. I just figured all women hate sex. But what was stated I this article I am currently going through and I’m not sure how to break it. I’ve never cheated on her, and I have even began working out as a hobby but now I’ve trained so much that I took it too far and look somewhat freaky,( well above the norm) and just get stares at every where I go and people are not very nice so that in turn just beats down on me even more.
Great read thank you