Does God just like men better? It can seem that way since it’s so hard for women to reach orgasm.
It’s Wednesday, the day that we always talk marriage! And today, in our lead up to Valentine’s Day, I want to address an often unspoken question when it comes to sex: Why did God make it so easy for a man to climax, and so difficult for a woman? How is that fair?
When I speak around North America giving my Girl Talk on marriage, sex, and intimacy (I’m in Texas this week!), I always include an anonymous Q&A portion of the night. Women can write questions on little pieces of paper, and I take a stab at answering them. And in every church I’ve been to–large or small, rural or urban, young or old–the questions are almost always pretty much the same. And at least one has to do with orgasm.
Why is it so easy for a guy to reach orgasm, and so hard for a woman to reach orgasm?
When I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed 2000 women. And I found that about 64% of women usually or always reached orgasm during intercourse. But that leaves 36% of women who rarely or never, or only sometimes do. If I limit the pool to just those who have been married for 5 years or less, 41% of women have difficulty.
I’m pretty sure the number of men who have difficulty reaching orgasm is about 10 times less.
And if you’re a woman who has ever laid in bed thinking desperately, “will this be the night?”, you know how frustrating it is.
Then sex becomes this pass/fail thing: if you don’t climax, you didn’t do it right. And you feel like the failure, because he ALWAYS has fun. (If your husband does have performance issues, though, I do have a series on that). He’s disappointed, you’re disappointed, and sex seems like so much work! In the media everyone seems to love sex, but you figure they’re pretending. Or they’re deluded. Or you’re just broken.
You’re not. You’re really not! There totally is hope.
I’ve talked before on the blog about how to reach orgasm, and I have tons of tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex. I’ll summarize really, really quickly, but my top 5 points would be:
1. Use lots of foreplay
Before you even start intercourse, touch each other a lot. Get yourself really excited, even if that means that you take control by rubbing against him.
2. Use lubrication
It can be much easier to get aroused if you’re well-lubricated! Coconut oil or Astroglide work well.
3. Bring him to orgasm earlier in the day
Just so that he’s able to last longer, and it can be more about you!
4. Breathe and think of it like surfing
You want to ride the wave, not get in front of the wave. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense if you rarely orgasm, but the more worked up you get about it, the less likely it is to happen. If you can focus on feeling pleasure and letting your body almost sink into the pleasure, then it’s more likely you’ll ride it to the top!
5. Remember angle matters
Most arousal in women is caused by clitoral stimulation, not vaginal stimulation. So change the angle so that you are getting stimulated at the right spot. Lying flat on your back (or with a pillow under your head) in the missionary position is often the WORST position for this type of stimulation. Engaging your muscles to tilt your hips up, or using a different position, is often better.
Okay, there’s more in the books, but that’s just a few pointers. The bigger issue I want to deal with today, though, is why do we even need posts like this? Why is reaching orgasm so tricky for women? What on earth could possibly be the purpose of us being made in this way? Is our difficulty in climaxing a result of the fall or something?
Nope. I actually think God had a purpose when He created us like this. And here it is:
1. Satisfying Sex Requires Communication
For us to reach climax, we need to be touched in a very particular way. We need to be touched in a very specific spot. We need that touch gentle at first and then more pressing and urgent.
And so we need to communicate that to our husbands.
That’s hard. Telling him what we want requires first of all that we actually know what we want, and many women don’t. We get married with very little knowledge of what feels good or how our bodies work (that’s true whether we’re virgins or not; most sexual encounters when you’re young are not sexually satisfying, and that can solidify some ignorance about how to feel good).
So we have to learn about ourselves, and then we have to tell him. That’s right: we have to tell him something that nobody else knows about us. We have to open up and pull back the curtain and show him the most primitive part of ourselves; the part we try to hide. And that’s why:
2. Communication Requires Vulnerability
To tell him what we want means that we are willing to let down our defences and get real with our husbands. It means that we share the most private parts of ourselves, and we allow ourselves to even acknowledge those parts. We can’t pretend to be in control all the time. We can’t be prim and proper. We have to empty ourselves, bare ourselves, and let go.
And that’s why:
3. Vulnerability Requires Trust
In order to be that bare with someone we need to trust them–trust them that they love us, that they will keep this private, that they actually care and want to see inside of us.
This trust is often built over time, and that’s one reason, I think, that women tend to have more fun in the bedroom the longer they’ve been married. We’ve learned to trust, which means we can be vulnerable, which means that we can fully communicate now. We’re not ashamed and embarrassed.
The Big Picture on Women, Orgasm, and Why God Made Us This Way
So let’s take a step back now and look at the big picture.
What if God made us so that we responded sexually as easily as men did? There would not be the same need to work on the relationship. We wouldn’t have this need to be vulnerable, to grow trust, to learn how to confront our own inner fears and insecurities and bring them to light for healing. Our relationships would be very shallow.
The way that we are made ensures that if two people are going to have an awesome sex life, they are going to have to grow other parts of their relationship, too. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. That sounds like a great marriage to me!
Why Do Married Women Reach Orgasm More Easily?
And this is why my study, as well as many others, have shown that married women enjoy sex more. Our world sells anonymous encounters as the highest on the sexy totem pole. But when you can’t open up and be vulnerable, you’re missing one of the keys to great sexual response. Our sexual response is tied into our ideas of intimacy. Without real intimacy, something will always be missing.
The Good News Moving Forward
So here’s the good news, ladies!
You all can reach orgasm. Really. It may be more difficult for some to climax. It may take years (it did for me). It may take a lot of practice and a lot of trying. But anatomically, there is no reason to think that orgasm is impossible. Just grow your relationship, calm down and don’t get too uptight about it, and read books on how to make it more likely. And then make it a really fun research project you do with your husband!
And when you do get to the point that you’re achieving orgasm usually or always, here’s some more good news: women have more intense orgasms. We can have multiple ones, which can last for quite a long period of time–far longer than his. Inasmuch as researchers can figure this out, we may have more difficulty getting there, but once we’re there–we have the capacity for more!
So don’t despair. God doesn’t like men better. He just made us differently so that we would have a reason to grow our relationship. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. Work on those things this Valentine’s Day, and you may find even more fireworks than you had planned!
Now it’s your turn! Have some marriage advice? Leave a comment, or link up a URL of your own Wifey Wednesday marriage (or Valentine’s Day) post in the linky below!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I totally agree with you about communication and trust being behind enjoyable sex. And the tip about giving him some action earlier in the day so things can be more focused on the women is genus! Besides what guy would not be up for double action in one day. 😉 Good stuff you shared today!
Cassie recently posted…Love Gifts for Him
I’m trying these ideas, I’m trying to relax and not wonder of tonight will be the night. But I was addicted to masturbation (and bringing myself to O easily) for 20 years even as I refused my husband. I’ve repented in a big way, turned around 180˚. I have the higher drive, who knew??? But he has a hard time giving to me. Very understandable, but it’s hard not to get frustrated, even resentful, sometimes and think it’s all for him. He’s asleep, satisfied and I can’t sleep because I’m buzzing!
This is a very frustrating topic, because I have had many conversations with God about this very thing. Why does it seem so unfair? I appreciate all of the good advice – and have tried it all, but it seems I do not lend support to the ‘Christian marriages have better sex’ camp. My husband and I have been married 23 years, and were both virgins before marriage. I have always had a very strong sex drive- but I can count on 2 hands the number of times I have had an orgasm during sex with my husband, and they only ever happened when I ‘took over’. I have always been willing to give him what he wants, (sex in the secluded woods, etc.), when he wants – but it is very easy to begin to get disheartened and become resentful and angry with my husband and God. My husband always gets to have fun, and me almost never. (yet I know my body is perfectly capable)
I definitely feel like trust is so essential to reaching orgasm, but it also is affected by how self-conscious you are, Sheila. If you are self-conscious you are less “self-aware” and therefore less able to notice those subtle and ever-increasing pleasurable sensations. Instead you are constantly focused on whether your husband will notice the extra 5 or 10 pounds you put on over the holidays–definitely a turn-off for the woman! I’m sure you’ve spoken about that reality, but thought I’d throw it in for good measure. I’ve also found that as I’m getting older I am experiencing stronger and longer lasting orgasms. I don’t know why that is–we’re not really doing anything different, but I’m appreciative of it! 😉 Another great article, my friend and thanks so much for hosting!
Great article! And as i approach 50 I can attest to my O’s becoming longer and stronger and now having multiples! It can still take me a while to get there some times, but when it happens — well it happens big time!
The only thing I would add is re: #3 — an older husband may not be able or up to handling more than one lovemaking session in a day because often as men get older they need a couple days in between to be ready again. If you are both open to you bringing him to O earlier and then him taking care of just you that may be an option. I know how much harder it can be for me when I feel I’m taking too long and holding him back, or sometimes become worried he won’t be able to wait for me and then we are done for a few days. That can be frustrating, but again, communication is key.
Amy recently posted…Is your story truth or fiction?
How about when you tell your spouse what you like or don’t like(ie they are using too much pressure during foreplay)and they get offended??
I am not sure what to tell you Christy but if your lover is really wanting to please you he should not be getting upset when you are trying to help him learn what you like and don’t like as long as you are doing it kindly and with love to him. We all need to be a student of our spouses and learn what we can from them so we can be better lovers to each other.
I know with my husband, it comes down to how I say it. He really wants to please me– but easily gets discouraged if I’m saying nothing but “I don’t like that” or “Stop doing that” or I push him away because something doesn’t feel good. Men tend to respond very well to their wives telling them the things that you actually enjoy (for example, saying “I love it when you gently touch me _____” instead of “You’re touching me too hard!”) Or you could simply guide his hand to touch you more gently, and then show lots of appreciation when he does (breathing heavily or moaning). It’s easy to feel like communication is difficult if he gets upset when you redirect him, and even easier to put the blame on him (“If he really loved me, he’d want to please me my way!”) but keep in mind that gentleness does not always come naturally to men, and while he wants to please you, he may just not be used to giving gentle touches. My husband always had very firm touches and caresses with me at first, and when I talked to him about it, he explained that he touched me firmly because that’s how he enjoys being touched– the gentle touches that I was giving him (in hopes of getting them returned) tickled him and bothered him! We had to talk it out before he understood that I actually LIKE gentle touches! I hope that you can talk it out with your spouse and also double check your communication methods. You could even ask him during a casual moment, “How would you like me to communicate to you if something doesn’t feel good during sex?” He may be able to give you tips on how he’ll receive those tips as positive suggestions instead of insults.
God made us different because if He made us the same sexually, think of the poor children and babies? They would never see Mummy and Daddy 🙂
This is very encouraging and helpful, Sheila. I have wondered at times why the big difference between women and men, and why it seems so much harder for women. Thanks for your thoughts on that and, especially, for sharing really practical tips.
Gaye @CalmHealthySexy recently posted…Do One Thing to Show Him Your Love on Valentine’s Day
I’m so glad that you are talking about this really important topic and I especially like that you mentioned that the majority of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I do want to add, however, that changing the position might not prove enough and sometimes manual stimulation will do the trick. Thanks for the great article!
Janna recently posted…The Secret to a Successful Marriage
I speak from personal experience: Hormone levels CAN be one of the reasons for not being interested and cause difficulty achieving the big “O”. I suffered with this problem since my 20’s (I’m now 46). Conventional doctors told me my hormone and thyroid levels were fine. But I KNEW something wasn’t right. I suffered with multiple symptoms for 20 years. I WANTED to want sex, but I had nothing to make it happen. My husband and I utilized lubricants and spent plenty of time before the main event. Sometimes it worked, but often times it was a great struggle. Sex was something I dreaded. Although there were other issues in our marriage, the lack of interest definitely put an even bigger strain on our relationship. Last year, I went to see a local doctor that uses bio-idential hormone pellets. She tested my levels an low and behold, everything was out of whack including my thyroid (low). No wonder I was having such problems. I finally felt validated. Hormone levels (including thyroid) play a role in a woman’s desire and ability to climax. After receiving bio-identical hormone pellets as well as natural thyroid medication, I actually want sex and pursue my husband instead of the other way around. We are calling this our second honeymoon, and I am so thankful to God for this. Note: bio-identical hormones do not have the side effects that conventional synthetic hormones do. If a woman is having issues (especially after having children), I encourage her to seek out a doctor who specializes in bio-identical hormones.
I’ve been married less than 3 years (was a virgin previously, as was my husband), and I can reliably reach orgasm. But I have no clue how to do it multiple times! It just… Stops. Have you covered this and I missed it? Any tips on how to achieve this?
In response to Sjh: You are in a wonderful place to be having great sex and orgasms regularly. I’d like to encourage you that you are still newlyweds with many years ahead of you to perfect your lovemaking & orgasms 🙂
I have been married for eight years. I didn’t start having multiple orgasms for several years into my marriage (we were both virgins when we married too).
Even now, when multiples are an option, I don’t always prefer them. Sometimes I only want one! Multiples sometimes give me a headache.
As far as HOW to achieve multiples… I don’t know if Shelia has addressed it somewhere or not. My only advice would be to not worry about it much. It will just happen. (Not much help, huh?) One night you’ll have one then after a moment of rest you’ll have a, “hmm… Oh, um… Wow. Yes. Honey keep doing that… This is gonna happen again!…” moment.
Enjoy 😉
If I could just bring back the orgasms from when we first started having sex. But now some 20 years later, it’s like I get almost to that point and then nothing. It is frustrating when you don’t reach O almost ever despite all the tricks etc. I want to enjoy it too.
First of all, I appreciate the article. I shared it with my wife because I thought she might find it helpful. Unfortunately, it led to an argument. My wife says that she doesn’t want to have an orgasm. She says that she enjoys sex ( the closeness, the connection, pleasing me), but she doesn’t feel the need or desire to have an orgasm. She also says that when I talk about it, that it makes her feel like I’m saying something is wrong with her and/or that she’s not good enough. I’ve tried many times to explain that I just want her to enjoy it and that I feel like we could learn together how to make it a more pleasurable experience for us both. I’ve given her time and space so she doesn’t feel pressured, but she seems to be ok with things as they are. I don’t know if I should accept that she doesn’t have an interest, or if we should go to counseling. But I sure could use some advice. By the way, she was a virgin when we married (8 years ago) and has never had an orgasm.
I’ve been married 10 years. I’ve never had an orgasm. I’ve onu had a physical arousal response ONCE and had no idea what it was when it happened. All these years I didn’t know that females are supposed to experience a female erection! I’ve never been able to do that again ether and it lasted a few hours before it calmed down and went away because I did not orgasm. I also have no desire to have sex despite going through books and tricks like the good girls guide and the principles in them. It’s just physically not there. I googled about it and there is a disorder called female sexual dysfunction and can be ther inability to become aroused or absent libido. I have BOTH! I had my hormones tested including thyroid which were all within a normal range. I even tried testosterone supplement even though my T was in normal range because it was in the low side of normal. It didn’t help with drive or arousal so I stopped. I want to have a drive and I definiely want to experice even just arousal again but I defiantly feel like I’ve tried everything and I’ve prayed fervently and have done all that I can do yet nothing changes. So I feel very helpless and even hopeless in my sexual journey that just leads to dead ends. I don’t have any expectations since nothing has ever happened physically for me. The only improvement was the doctor did give me some estrogen cream to apply to an area where the tissue was very thin which was causing painful intercourse of a ripping or tearing sensation every time and since it had just alway been that way I assumed it was just my anatomy wasn’t too small for my husband. But the estrogen has helped thicken the thin tissue which has at least helped me have less pain with intercourse. Didn’t do anything else but at least i don’t have to clinch my teeth now every time he enters me. I do wish arousal was as simple as a mans erection… because even being aroused makes a world of difference but I don’t even know how to make that happen! It’s so heartbreaking and just makes you feel broken.
I’ve been married for a year, and I orgasm almost every time we have sex, but only with manual stimulation. For my husband and me, that’s okay, because right now, that’s what works, and we both feel satisfied that way. I hope that as we explore and practice more, we’ll figure out a great position for me to orgasm without manual stimulation, but even if we don’t, the fact that we’re managing to orgasm at almost the same time every time is good enough for me! I agree that more time spent on foreplay helps a lot! Often, when my husband is in the mood, he’s almost ready to head straight to sex, but if I slow him down and gently and lovingly remind him I need more time, he refocuses and it’s a more fulfilling experience for both of us.
In response to Anon, I have been married 8 years and have never had an orgasm and I am perfectly ok with that. I too enjoy sex with my husband for the emotional closeness and I greatly enjoy pleasing him. I don’t need or even desire to focus on myself. My husband thinks a lot like you and most men, I would imagine, think: that if a women is not having orgasms then she must not be enjoying sex. That is not true and its really not fair. We are wired differently. Just as men can have sex without an emotional connection, something that most women can’t wrap their heads around, there are many women who don’t need, or gasp, don’t want an orgasm for whatever reason. I personally believe that it is more of an ego thing for men. I think in my husband’s case and maybe yours too, that his pride is hurt that he can’t make me climax, and as a result, my orgasm is about his manhood. It is unfair for either party to pressure the other to climax because that ruins the whole experience. Instead of it being about connecting and sharing a beautiful time together, it is now about will she or won’t she and if she doesn’t he’ll be disappointed, and that’s where the feelings of inadequacy and even anger come in. What I’m trying to say is let it go. If she says she’s okay with not climaxing then believe her and ask yourself why its such a big deal for you if she doesn’t. Otherwise all you’re doing is driving a wedge between the two of you and ruining your relationship.
I am a non-believer in the female O because I have never experience one with my husband. I have been married for almost 9 years and nothing. Nothing!! It’s frustrating that after sex I have to find myself masturbating to get off. This shouldn’t be, and be she of this I always dread having sex, which in turn causes a rift in my relationship with my husband. He is obsessed with making me have an O – going out and buying new vibrators but still nothing. I am at the point of giving up completely. Lost Hope.
Thank you so much for this article! I’ve been married 2+ years and not been able to orgasm. I totally relate with others in the comment feed of it being so frustrating, causes difficulty in you and your husbands relationship, and makes you doubt your self image. Encouraging to hear other women who have worked through (over a number of years) and get to a place of having great sex! I can want to give up sometimes, and think I’m just broken. Thanks you for the heart of this article! It gives me hope! God is good.
I’m so glad it helped!