Wifey Wednesday: Confessions of a Tired Wife

Confessions of a Tired WifeToday’s guest post is from Abigail Allemann. Abigail tells how she found Sheila’s book, 31 Days to Great Sex, and how it transformed her marriage in her confessions of a tired wife.

Missionary Life Snapshot –Why I Was Tired

My husband and I are missionaries who have been serving overseas in Budapest, Hungary for the last two years.  I have only recently started to take offense at the classic boring sexual position named for people like us, because, well, if the shoe fits…

You see, I feel like I can re-phrase a portion of Paul’s letter to the Philippians like this:

If anyone else thinks they have reason to be tired, I have more: Two years of living with in-laws while raising missionary support; five years and three babies born in Pennsylvania, Florida and Hungary respectively; 24 hour drives through blizzards while using a nebulizer for a three month-old with RSV; two summers of overseas travel with babies and toddlers; three months with 5000 miles in cross-country travel, 3 hotels and 3 more homes for overnights, 5 different places to call home (i.e. contained our family and all unpacked wordly goods); full-time language-learning, cultural adjustment and a baby born a few months after moving overseas…

You get the point. (Actually my tired is one many missionary wives can claim!)

I have lived tired. Too tired to have fun, too tired to have sex, too tired to care for myself. And, in the times when I was pretending I wasn’t between babies, moves and languages, a simple conversation chronicling our lives over the past 7 years could take me right back.

By the Grace of God, my husband and I survived all of this craziness. More than survived. We thrived in faith and service to one another, our kids and God and knew a love that was warm, honest and exciting as we lived the adventure of God’s calling on our lives in a way few are privileged to experience.

Something Was Missing –Searching for Hope

But something was desperately missing.

I think you know where this is going.

Like so many women, sex had become duty for me. My husband has always been patient, sacrificial and desires to give me pleasure. Yet, this too, had become predictable and just not very fun.  We had our moments, but, the sad truth was we were living the adventure in big ways and yet it was missing from the most intimate space between us.

I knew things would have been different as far as frequency in our sex life if I could get over my tiredness which, of course, made me feel more guilty and, in turn, more tired. Why couldn’t I give more? Why didn’t I want to? What was wrong with me?

31 Days to Great SexIt was an evening last fall when I somehow (can you say divine inspiration?) found Sheila’s book 31 Days to Great Sex. Much to my husband’s delight we began to read it together that night. The next morning I woke up with a profound sense of hope in my spirit.

It was a strange thought to me, yet I knew it was from God. You see, I had been meditating on hope and seeking answers through His Word. But I just couldn’t grasp it. I was body, mind, soul weary. That fall was full of intense spiritual warfare as the Enemy of souls, marriage and ministry was gunning hard for me to give up.

So many things were coming together in our new life, but I was dying inside. And at the depth of my struggle, I was crying out for hope.

God’s Surprising AnswerHoly Sex Embodies Hope

So, just how does spicing up my sex life give me hope?

The Bible calls hope an anchor of our soul. The hope in which we are saved is the redemption of our bodies as we bear the firstfruits of the Spirit, groaning with all of creation, yet set apart as image-bearers.

Through sex, as God’s very good gift in marriage, we experience tangible hope.

When my husband and I come together as one flesh, as a loving sacrifice of ourselves for the other, our minds, hearts and souls are bound and sealed in hope through our physical joining, and it is beautiful. We grasp the promise of Heaven; the restoration of all that was lost in the fall as together we restore God’s perfect design for sex.

Essentially, we see the redemption of our bodies in the most vulnerable way possible as we experience the truth of all that Jesus bought back; taking away our shame that puts all kinds of walls around us. We look into each other’s eyes, speak words of love, touch and taste our bodies given to one another. It all says, “Thank You Jesus.  It is all because of what you have done that we are naked, unashamed and full of love for one another.”

I may have believed words like these before I purposed to see my sex life renewed, but now I live them.

I also experienced the freedom of hope.

My faith says that, no matter what comes, God is bringing me Home.  It will happen One Day and all of my hopes are bound up in this promised consummation.

But that can all be hard to know while I struggle in the here and now.

In the thick of my overseas adjustment, I was grieving the loss of friends, family, basic competency, heart language and it was blinding me to everything else. I have learned to practice thanks yet the cathedral of my life was small, filled with the stale air of the forgetful. I just couldn’t get to the hope that is Christ in me–glory.

Enter sex. It wasn’t just that my hubby and I started having sex more, it was that it went from a duty to a beauty in my life. I started to let go and have fun. I lived like my eternity is secure and there’s an amazing way to bring Heaven here, right now. Because there is.

I have become a Proverbs 31 woman who laughs at the days to come. I live vibrantly, sure of who and whose I am and where I am ultimately going—so I can have fun and enjoy today. I can let go of to-do lists and send my husband a ‘come hither’ look. I’m not looking for the adventure on the screen or in the book, when there is hot, holy, hilarity with a best friend who is my one and only lover.

It is living free in hope when the kid in me plays with my husband and is re-charged to have fun with my kids. It is embracing true hope to know I am someone’s prize and to share the secret smile and wink of behind-the-bedroom-door love.  And it feels so good, right, true, lovely and honorable to know that God smiles on our unashamed, wild, free love.

I am still very much in process with all of this. We are finishing up two months of travel in the States on furlough. This is something that still greatly tires me and makes finding time to connect hard for my husband and me. BUT I have pushed through the weary to hope and vision and I won’t go back. This makes working through the hard and tired so much easier and so much more fun! My prayer is that you are uplifted, not weighed down, through what I shared today. We are in this together!

AbigailI am wife to a wonderful man, mama to three precious now-little-but-soon-will-not-be loves. Each born in a different place–two states {Pennsylvania & Florida} and two countries {U.S. & Hungary}. I can now claim fluency in 3 languages :: English;) Spanish & Hungarian. This combined with the all-too-true ‘mommy brain’ explains much regarding my mental state most days. I am a sojourner longing for Home. Yet, in my messy and broken, I embrace the moments given with all I have. For the past 2 months I have been writing about my journey in understanding sex and sexuality in a series called Pure Passion. You can check it out here!


31 Days to Great SexIf you long to make sex a positive thing in your marriage, check out Sheila’s book 31 Days to Great Sex, that Abigail talks about. It’s not 31 Days OF Great Sex (don’t worry!); it’s 31 Days of short challenges that can help you rediscover intimacy and fun in the bedroom!

WifeyWednesday175Want some other great links to help you if you’re a tired wife? Here are other marriage bloggers chiming in for our Wifey Wednesday round up:

Intentional Today: Productivity Apps that Help My Marriage!

Calm Healthy Sexy: 4 Reasons to Take a Summer Vacation (Where you don’t even have to leave home!)

Women Living Well: When You’ve Lost Your Joy for Marriage and Motherhood

Women Living Well: How Important is Date Night to your Marriage?

Club 31 Women: 9 Classy Reasons to Go on a Cheap Date

Intimacy in Marriage: 5 Ways to Find More Time for Sex


  1. What a fabulous testimony! Indeed, I believe this intimate connection between husband and wife is one of the things that can get you through the craziness and exhaustion of life. Thanks for sharing, Abigail! And many blessings for your mission work and marriage.
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Showering and Bathing Together: Why You Should Try ItMy Profile

  2. In a world full of bad news, it’s encouraging to hear how God used Sheila’s book to bring rediscovery and restoration of the truth about sexual intimacy to you and your husband. Thank you for speaking about this!

  3. Hello Abigail,

    Awesome testimony. Always love to hear about marriages overcoming through all of life’s obstacles..

    M.D. Henderson
    Christian Married Men Brotherhood
    M.D Henderson recently posted…5 Mistakes of Christian ParentsMy Profile

  4. From the essay: “It wasn’t just that my hubby and I started having sex more, it was that it went from a duty to a beauty in my life.”

    That is so very profound and powerful. This is a message that more wives and husbands need to hear. Thanks for sharing your testimony.
    Larry B of larrysmusings.com recently posted…the real war on women – or the 2 wars on womenMy Profile

  5. What an incredible story! I can’t tell you how encouraged I am by this. Thank you for sharing, Sheila!

  6. Thank you for sharing this testimony! I grew up as an MK so hearing from a missionary it sits close to my heart. I love that we wives are speaking truth into each others hearts, and debunking this lie that Satan wants us to believe that, “Sex is for him.” I know I believed this lie for a long time, and then I came across Courtney Joseph, and Shelia, and you, and other wives who are being bold to speak the truth, and help heal marriages so that wives can enjoy making love with the hubby, and all the benefits that come with that. You can pray your marriage into a one flesh marriage. So thankful we have a God who cares about this.

  7. salafai says:

    I really like your Blog and it was such a great encouragement for everyone and you know what your testimony its remind me of this website, http://www.reallifeanswers.org/purpose-of-life/why-should-i-wait-until-marriage-for-sex/

  8. Vent time. You know what? I’m tired of hearing the “I’m too tired and too busy” excuse. I’ve been hearing it from NIGHT ONE of our marriage “I know its our wedding night, but it was such a long day and I’m tired and tomorrow is going to be busy….”

    I’m especially sick of hearing “I’m too tired and too busy” when she’s NOT too tired and too busy to:
    1) Want a child.
    2) Want a second child.
    3) Want a third child.
    4) Want a FOURTH child.
    5) Join the church softball team
    6) Go to a women’s bible study at night – and then play volleyball until midnight
    7) Go to womens conferences several times a year
    8) Have “girls night out” several times a month
    9) After all above, deciding to be a nanny and taking care of not 1, not 2, but 3 kids (all under age 2).
    10) After doing all the above, deciding to join the gym, and getting up every day at 5:30am to work out (before going to said nanny job).

    Ad nauseum.

    Are any of the above things bad? NO. In fact, I encouraged each and every one. Why? Because she needs to have a life, outlets, fun, a purpose, grow, etc, etc, etc. I love kids – I even help out with the nanny job! It wouldn’t be right to really say “no”.

    But then I hear “Oh, I’m just so tired and busy. All I can manage is once every couple of months.” Right now we are at 6 MONTHS – unfortunately, thats actually a “good” year for us. We’ve gone 2 years at one time. At best I get a kiss goodbye, a kiss hello, and a kiss goodnight. I’ve given up long ago.

    You know why you are so busy and so tired? I’ve realized a long time ago its because of what you’ve CHOSEN to do. You didn’t have to be a missionary. You didn’t have to have kids, though some can be “Accidents.” Most of what you go thru in life about being busy and tired – thats your choice. Mostly, being tired and busy just doesn’t “happen” to you. You don’t wake up one day and magically become busy. Its because of your choices, nothing else.

    And you know what? Encouraging and nurturing a sexual relationship with your spouse is something you CHOSE to do too. and that fact that you don’t speaks volumes.

    • Alchemist says:

      um. I can see that you’re upset and all, but did you even read the post?

      Those last two paragraphs of your comment was, like, the entire point of this post. . To choose to put sex high on the priority list rather than on the bottom. And all the benefits she found by doing that. Except she said it in a nicer, more inspirational way

      I can see that your really frustrated, but don’t shoot the messenger. Especially not when it’s the messenger who’s actually telling bust wives to stop being so busy and actually make time for sex. Because it’s fabulous.

  9. This is a great post!! My wife and I are rediscovering the benefits of a consistent and frequent sex life! It is changing our marriage
    Thanks for sharing!
    God Bless
    Oliver Marcelle recently posted…Plug In And Re-ChargeMy Profile

  10. Great post. Wives: BE ENCOURAGED. It’s amazing to me to see your commitment to delight vs duty. You are changing the generations that follow you. Great stuff.

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