Soul Ties: How to Break Them and Live in Freedom

Soul Ties: How to Break Bonds with Past Lovers and Live in Freedom in Marriage

A New Season!  Ecclesiastes 3:1 says,There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”–so today I want to announce a new day here in our community.  With the desire to reach and teach as many as possible and with intention to promote Christ in all things–marriages, family and life, I am going to start using Wednesdays to promote and share some wonderful posts that you may not have read–and to give you some treasure troves of new bloggers to follow. So I will be discontinuing the linky from now on. I want to be sure that the posts that you read from here I can thoroughly agree with, and so I’m going to hand pick the ones I recommend. They will share on topics I have picked for each week.  This week’s topic talks about putting your past behind you and forgiving yourself.

Soul ties–or invisible bonds–wreak havoc on so many marriages. Today guest poster and author Danielle Tate explains what soul ties are, and how we can break them.

When I was 17, I naively thought the sexual behavior I partook in was harmless and momentary. I reconciled in my head that because we had intentions on getting married and because our hearts were “right” toward each other that sexual activity was somehow okay.

Two years later when we split, my heart literally ached. I remember standing in the grocery store parking lot where he worked just wanting him to hug me “one last time.” He was like a drug, a good drug that I needed. I was going through withdrawal over a silly boy but my body ached without him. Friends told me to move on but I could not get past the feeling that part of me had suddenly been ripped away. Recovery was slow and painful – filled with anger, rebellion and a new tattoo.

“The next time it will be different,” I told myself. Boy, was I right. It was all kinds of different. Seven years of hell ended with exposed lies, infidelity and abuse. Way different from my straight-A, Honor Society, college-bound beau. Yet the old familiar feeling of needing my fix still came even after I dumped his clothes in the driveway. I was addicted, but to what?

This time, unlike before, I initiated the break up. I knew he was a loser (though I see him differently now) and I knew it was a very unhealthy relationship. Yet for months, we had “conjugal visits.” It seemed I was the prisoner sentenced to a life of longing fulfilled only by someone I didn’t love and didn’t even want to be around.

Twisted isn’t it?

Yet this is what happens when we have sexual experiences outside the confines of marriage. Actually, it’s what happens when we have sexual experiences regardless of our marital status. Every time we have a sexual experience, we are creating deep-rooted bonds with the other individual. There are a few different terms used to describe these bonds but the most popular, and the one I use in my book is “soul ties.”

The Dynamics of Soul Ties

A soul tie is defined as “A spiritual connection between two people who have been physically intimate with each other or who have had an intense emotional or spiritual association or relationship.”* If you think of sex inside the confines of marriage this is a wonderful thing. God created us to have sexual relations with our spouse that in turn create deep-rooted bonds.

See, He knew that after the honeymoon, there’d be morning breath, bills to pay, kids to raise and dirty socks left on the floor. He knew life would happen and so He created us to be deeply bonded with our spouse so that during the crazy seasons of life when we sometimes don’t really like our spouse, we would still be deeply bonded to them.

Soul Ties, Drugs and Super Glue

When we have a sexual experience, our brains produce dopamine, the same chemical that feeds a gambling addiction, your chocolate cravings and the junkie’s need for another fix. Dopamine is often described as the “feel good” chemical of the brain and it plays a major role in our lives (good and bad). You see, our bodies don’t care if it’s cocaine, a cupcake or a sexual experience – dopamine will be produced and it will bind us. This is why my former boyfriends were like my drug of choice and why I could not see myself without them. I was addicted to the high. I had created soul ties when I had these feel- good, intimate experiences with guys I wasn’t married to. This is also why it literally hurt when I broke up.

Soul ties are like super glue. If you’ve had sexual encounters outside of marriage, consensual or forced, there is most like a lingering soul tie that needs to be dealt with otherwise you’ll forever be plagued with thoughts, feelings and even actions that are unwanted. I mention forced encounters because, although pleasure is not associated with abuse, our brains still produce chemical reactions and our soul can still be tied to someone who has abused us. Some symptoms of lingering soul ties include:

  • Someone whose voice you hear in your head
  • Obsessive day-time thought about someone
  • Dreaming or waking up at night thinking about someone on a regular basis
  • Someone you think of or “see” in your mind when you are intimate with your spouse

A Marriage in Crisis

Speaking of spouses, the hidden soul ties in my life deeply affected the first several years of my marriage. It gto so bad that my husband thought I was having an affair. I was distant, I disliked sex….I really disliked sex and I was not fulfilled. Unbeknownst to him, I would cry almost every.single.time we had sex. The guilt, shame and dirty feelings I had as a sexually active single woman carried right into my marriage. Those feelings didn’t go away just because we said “I do.” Ceremony alone was not enough to make my past sexual sins disappear. I needed healing. I needed forgiveness and I need a clean break.

Breaking Soul Ties

There are 4 Key steps to breaking soul ties:

  1. Acknowledge
  2. Confess and Repent
  3. Forgive
  4. Break and Remove

First, we need to acknowledge that there is a problem. Ask the Lord to show you who you have ungodly soul ties with. Make a list if you need to. Secondly, we need to confess and repent of our sins. This may involve finding a godly accountability partner that you can confess to and who can help you walk through the process. It maybe be a church counselor, pastor or elder or a family member.

Next, we need to find forgiveness. We need to accept God’s forgiveness, we need to forgive ourselves and lastly, we need to forgive our former partners or abusers. Remember, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

Finally, you need to verbalize a prayer to break off the soul ties. You need to speak it out! Life and death are in the power of the tongue so when you speak out you are declaring with your mouth the power of Christ to break the ties to your past. You must also do an inventory and remove any mementoes, gifts or souvenirs from those past relationships.

*Tim Stewart “Soul Ties (and Breaking Soul Ties)” http://www.dictionaryofchristianese.com/soul-ties/

Restoring the Lost PetalFor more detailed help breaking soul ties and walking through the process of restoration, pick up a copy of Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity. It’s available now in my store as a .pdf download (you can read it on your computer or on any phone or ereader), or as a paperback here.

meet danielleDanielle Tate, founder of Thrive Ministries, is passionate about sharing her message or restoration with women of all ages. After 13 years in the corporate world, she became a stay at home wife and mother and began making natural beauty products and blogging. She is the author of Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity. You can find her blogging at More Than Four Walls where she writes about faith, food, and biblical stewardship. Danielle is married to Brad and they have a son, Wyatt.


Hi everybody! Welcome to the new format of Wifey Wednesday! Instead of doing a link up party, I’m going to link up a few posts from awesome marriage bloggers who have talked about the same subject, so that we can stick to a “theme for the week”! So here’s today’s theme: getting over your past.

The Generous Wife: The Tipping Point
Dayna Bickham: Breaking the Cycle of Unforgiveness
Women Living Well: Pursuing Purity (in an Opposite World)
Messy Marriage: Shame on You?
To Love, Honor and Vacuum: Getting over the Guilt of your Sexual Past

Comments

  1. Great article! I wonder how these steps would help with cutting soul ties with a previous husband?
    Interestingly enough, it was only last night that I prayed to God to help me get past thinking of the past and of my previous marriage/husband. Its been 13 yrs since we seperated and although it doesn’t bother me anymore and hasn’t for years, there are times when it creeps back into my mind and I don’t know why. I was deeply hurt when he had an affair with a good friend of mine (supposed) and they broke up two families. But I eventually learned to move on and I forgave them a long time ago (otherwise I was turning into a very angry and bitter person which I didn’t want that kind of life for me or for my son). So it must be that soul tie that is keeping that bond right? How do I break that bond, that vow, that soul tie?
    Thank you & God Bless.

    • Hi Tracy! Good questions!! It could be a soul tie and you can break it using the same steps above. We can actually have soul ties to many different things (best friends, places and even ex-husbands.) You could also be holding ought against him and not even realize it. You’ve verbally forgiven him but perhaps in your hear there is still ought that is hidden even from you. (see Mark 11:25 KJV uses the word ought other versions say grudge or something similar.) That could still be down deep. Perhaps it’s not about him but the “friend” instead.

      Blessings to you and thank you for commenting!
      Danielle @ More Than Four Walls recently posted…What To Do When God Says PauseMy Profile

  2. What a powerful testimony from Danielle, Sheila! I’m so glad you shared this. And I’m also grateful that you shared a link back to a post of mine. :) It’s a great honor! Blessings to you for all you do!

  3. I have a question. A friend of mine was telling me a bit about soul ties, and I wonder; is a soul tie always formed around sexual experiences or can they be formed when no sex or physical intimacy was involved?
    Beth Cranford recently posted…What Grace Means To Me; A Fallible MomMy Profile

    • A good question; but while Scripture never says in what specific way(s), it is clear that sexual sin has unique consequences compared to all other sin:

      1 Corinthians 6:18 (NASB): “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.”

      One can only assume that soul ties are one of these consequences in sinning against your own body. The others, such as STDs, etc. are clearly part of them as well.

    • Hi Beth,

      Yes, soul ties can be created without sexual contact. They can even be created in out of balance relationships with friends like a women’s best friend.
      Danielle @ More Than Four Walls recently posted…What To Do When God Says PauseMy Profile

  4. I really needed this today. Thank you. Quick question, I’ve noticed my past choices with sex outside of marriage (even sex with my now husband!) are having a negative effect on my marriage. My husband doesn’t really understand. He says it must be different for guys. Is that true? Are women more susceptible to this?

  5. I’ve never been physically intimate with any man besides my husband, ever. Yet I have a couple times developed deep attachments to other men since being married, that seen impossible to control! All I can control is my actions. But I hate being married to someone who I DON’T have a soul bond with, while I’n longing to be close to another man. My husband has always had an emotional bond to me that I don’t think I’ve ever fully reciprocated even while dating. What can I do to change things with my heart?

  6. I am curious. Is Danielle now healed and close to her husband and enjoying sex with him without external thoughts, or is she still a work in progress?

    Did Danielle really dislike sex and feel unfulfilled with those other guys before marriage?
    “I had these feel- good, intimate experiences with guys I wasn’t married to.” This quote sounds like she enjoyed sex before marriage with other guys but not in marriage with her husband. It kind of sounds like she didn’t really feel guilty until after she was married. I am hoping to get things clarified. I would like to believe that soul-ties are really the cause of sexual problems and not just that she is less sexually attracted to her husband than the men before.

  7. Lucy Lundi says:

    Oh wow!!! Just today I was complaining for the 100th time about how am obsessing about my exes and how its affecting my 2year old marriage!! Truly God sent and now am singing thank you Jesus all the way to my freedom!!!

  8. I dealt with soul ties in the early years of our marriage. I had had a boyfriend that I had sex with 5 times before we split. It took years of prayer and investing in my husband and marriage to overcome. I recently met the ex boyfriend, over 25 years since we split and about 20 years since we had last seen each other. It is hard to avoid people in small country communities. He recognized me, and had to tell me who he was. We chatted for a while like old friends, but I felt nothing for him. He told me where he works, thankfully not in a place I ever go, so now I never will. Although we do frequent the place next door, so I have decided not to go there on my own. It did scare me that I might run into him again, so I just be honest with my hubby about what is going on in my head.

  9. This is great! I went through deliverance a couple of years ago as well as a refresher session here recently, and breaking soul times was an important part of the process. I had a sexual past that I am definitely not proud of, but thankfully I was able to break those soul ties and find healing and forgiveness before marrying my husband. Our wedding night was out first night together, and we don’t have any problems due to my past. God is great! Be blessed!

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