17 responses

  1. Butterflywings
    April 8, 2014

    While my first husband was messed up in his views on sex by porn, his severe delayed ejaculation (not able to ejaculate after 1-2 hours of sex by which time one or both of us would give up) was due to drug use. People constantly say marijuana has few negative effects, but they’ve never been married to a marijuana addict and not seen the mammoth sexual dysfunction it causes.

    As for advice… I can offer this – at least for premature ejaculation, bringing your husband to orgasm early in the day (even by hand) works great for allowing him to last longer when you do have sex. Some couples I know with this problem even get around this by bringing the husband to orgasm by hand, then starting on the woman’s pleasure, and then by the time the woman is “ready” the man is ready for sex and able to last longer. It apparently can work quite well.

  2. Larry B of larrysmusings.com
    April 8, 2014

    As to premature ejaculation, a serious challenge or problem for some younger husbands, one thing to try is to slow down and avoid the rapid thrusting early on during the lovemaking. Try changing positions during sex. Every man is different, but the husband may find that one position allows him greater control or at least reduces the stimulation sufficiently so that he can last longer. When many years younger, I found that rear entry (“doggy”) reduces the stimulation some and allowed for more control. “Cowgirl”, or wife on top, also worked, even better. Thus, the couple may want to vary the positions during lovemaking, opting to start out with the one that the husband feels less stimulated by. When the time is right, they can easily switch to the position in which the husband most enjoys ejaculating in. Not only for the wife, but for the husband also, ejaculation at the right time is more enjoyable. (As well, another option, as noted above, is to have your husband orgasm earlier in the day. This relieves some of the “urgency” to ejaculate that some men feel.)

    Some may say that premature ejaculation is a learned behavior, and can be “unlearned”. I don’t know, but open communication and patience can help the husband. (I do think that this can occur in men who have not used porn.)

    Now that I am older (mid 50s), I do tend to take longer to climax. My wife really does not mind, as it is not a case of being unable to do so.

  3. Becca
    April 8, 2014

    We have an unusual problem that causes delayed ejaculation on some occasions. I guess I’ll call it birth control guilt. See, as Christians, we are constantly bombarded by the view that we should have as many children as God would give us. We have two children and conceived very easily both times. But I had a difficult pregnancy and delivery and was advised further pregnancies may be dangerous. That being said, I do not feel comfortable using any form of birth control that may be abortive in nature. Nor do we feel led to alter our bodies surgically. So that leaves us in a pickle. We will use a condom, but we both prefer “bare” lovemaking so much more. So we don’t always use it until he feels he is getting close. This causes a huge interruption and really slows things down. He also “holds back” a lot because we are both so leery of conceiving. While this might not seem like much of a problem, it is hard to “let go” and enjoy the love. There are marriage blogs I have had to stop reading because of the intense guilt they put on women who use birth control of any kind, even natural family planning. Maybe you’ll be dealing with this in tomorrow’s post, but while our issue is a strange one, maybe there is someone out there dealing with something similar. Personally, I hate condoms, they make me feel “not married” – like we’re not connecting the way God intended. But what else can we do? I’m far too irregular for NFP (I’m talking cycles from 28 days to 50 days). So all of this “baggage” plus the guilt about not just “letting things happen” – it all takes a toll. People on other blogs have accused me of not trusting God, and that’s hurtful. I nearly bled to death after delivery, and that has caused me to be frightened. What I should do is pray. We should pray about this issue a lot more.

    • Butterflywings
      April 8, 2014

      Becca I don’t think your problem is at all unusual. I imagine it to be similar to how my husband felt when he was undecided about wanting to start trying for a baby. For him it wasn’t delayed ejaculation, for him it was struggle to get interested in sex just in case he got pregnant before he was ready. I think it’s an issue a lot of men struggle with – either trying to get it up or keep it up or orgasm when there is fear of getting pregnant.

      I must admit I find those who say it’s “not trusting God” to use non abortive contraception to really be way of base. So many teenagers fall for that when they have premarital sex – they just think “oh God wouldn’t want me to fall pregnant, if I pray I won’t fall pregnant”. I’m sure most christian teens who had premarital sex and fell pregnant felt they were totally trusting God to not fall pregnant and learned the hard way that God’s protection doesn’t always extend to protecting us when we wilfully do something dangerous. In your case, falling pregnant would be dangerous. What you’re doing is the sensible thing and I think the Godly thing – you are taking precautions, and trusting God that those precautions won’t fail.

      That’s what the whole human condition is about – we cannot do nothing and expect God to just rescue us constantly. We have a duty to be as responsible in life as we can, and then to trust God for everything else we cannot take responsible for. God isn’t there to our guardian angel to constantly protect us from the consequences of our own actions. He may choose to sometimes, but not always. We have a duty to take care of the bodies He has given us, with the only proviso that we do so in a Godly way.

      • Butterflywings
        April 8, 2014

        oops that should read “way off base”

    • Emily
      April 8, 2014

      We are in a similar situation.
      Another pregnancy is not what we want, I’m not going on the pill for all sorts of reasons, and abstinence is not good for a marriage.
      I have heard that a diaphragm is less “interrupting” than a condom, but haven’t looked into it yet. That might be a good idea for both of us!!

      Meanwhile, there is nothing wrong with knowing that another child is not a good idea for you. Children are a blessing; I’m sure the two you have are a great blessing to you. But that doesn’t mean you have to have a dozen!

      • Sheila
        April 8, 2014

        Emily, J from Hot, Holy and Humorous swears by her diaphragm! So I’d definitely look into it. :)

    • Amy
      April 8, 2014

      Becca,
      My heart aches for you. Remember, God’s grace covers all things. If you NEED a form of birth control to protect you from pregnancy then I do not think this is a lack of trust in God. We live in a fallen world and things happen. We do the best we can and make the best decisions for ourselves and our families. Using birth control is not a sin, at least in my humble opinion, and sometimes it is necessary in certain situations.

      And I would go further to say, that if you want to talk about not just letting things happen, then our society does that very thing with childbirth. There is a high percentage of unnecessary interventions being done to women such as induction before 40 weeks, epidurals and other drugs being used too early, and 1 in 3 women having unnecessary c-sections. I have been a childbirth educator and birth assistant for over 20 years and have seen many changes over the years in the management of labor and birth, and much of it not beneficial. BUT, sometimes it is necessary for the use of intervention during a birth — I have seen those cases and even recommended something to a laboring mother — and we are fortunate for when those things can be done to help a mother and baby. We don’t sit back and say we don’t trust in God because that would be irresponsible. And I believe the same is true with many other things in life, including birth control.

      God knows where you are at and He is not going to stop loving you for making a decision that could be beneficial for your health, both physically and mentally. May you find peace and clear direction.

      Blessings to you!
      Amy recently posted…A guest postMy Profile

    • Sheila
      April 8, 2014

      Becca, here’s the way I see it. God designed our bodies with very definite signs when we would be fertile. Cervical mucous changes throughout the cycle; your temperature changes. There are signs. Why did He do it that way?

      I think it’s because He wanted us to be able to choose.

      I do respect those who want to trust God and have the number of children He brings them, but I have also seen women absolutely exhausted with 12 kids, and often in very poor health, and I’m not sure that’s ideal at all.

      We each need to go to God and ask what He would have for our families. I agree that using birth control that could cause an abortion is wrong, but there are plenty of other things you can do. I did write a blog post a while ago on how you can do a combination of not using any birth control on the days when you definitely can’t get pregnant, and then using a condom or diaphragm or something like that on the days that you are fertile. For many couples that really helps.

      Yes, God wants us to trust Him, but I also think He wants us to be responsible, and in your case it wouldn’t be responsible to your husband or children to be pregnant again. So I think that is trusting God–trusting God by walking in obedience to what He has told you about your specific circumstance.

    • KD
      April 8, 2014

      It’s okay, Becca. Don’t feel guilty. I’m right there with you – except that I haven’t had children yet and my life isn’t officially in danger if I became pregnant.
      I promised my mother when I was young that I would never take birth control medications and I still live by that. We don’t believe in them because they are unnatural and harmful to you body. They can even be linked to health problems in future children. So that is a no-go for us. I also can’t stand the thought of trying to put something inside me like a diaphragm (I can’t even handle tampons. They hurt and I’ve nearly fainted with the stress of trying to get one in.). We’ve also used condoms and spermicide, but I must have some sort of reaction to the spermicide because it makes me itch unbearably until it all drains out, which takes FOREVER. When we were first married we did use condoms but after a few months ended up using the “pull out” method. I know that this site said some nasty things about that method, but I strongly disagree on all of her points. (I never did comment on that post but I probably should.) Anyway, it really is a reliable form of birth control. I know WAY more friends who have gotten pregnant while on the pill or using condoms. I don’t know anyone WHO HAS ACTUALLY PULLED OUT and gotten pregnant. And it really sounds like it’s close to what you guys are doing, anyway.
      This is why I like it:
      1. It does build a lot of trust between the husband and the wife. You also get to know each other’s responses better. I can tell when he is going to go so it’s not just in his hands. I can control it, too, and help him pull out.
      2. It does build trust with God. You have to realize that women with their tubes tied have gotten pregnant and men with vasectomies have sired children. Nothing is impossible with God. If he wants something to happen, it will happen. With that knowledge, I admit to God that he can do anything he wants to do. I am not just having sex and doing absolutely NOTHING to prevent the sperm from getting to the egg, but I am also not going to go to unnecessary great lengths (statistically speaking there is not a great percentage difference between most of the birth control methods – yes I have done my research) to try to insure that something will not happen that is ultimately out of my control – apart from practicing abstinence.
      3. It doesn’t interrupt the flow of things like putting on a condom does.
      4. It’s harder for the man to keep his erection with a condom on and condoms can be painful for the woman if you hit the ring the wrong way. It’s also harder for both to feel anything and for the woman to not dry out – even if using lubricant.
      4. It really doesn’t cut intercourse short by much. Let’s face it: When he goes, the party is over, anyway. If it’s inside you and you haven’t gone, you’re out of luck. If he pulls out and you (sorry to be graphic) grind on him to keep him going and help him have a good finish, then usually that gives you enough stimulation to go too – a second time, hopefully. :) You have to be comfortable with that, though.

      I guess I’m just saying, I don’t feel guilty for the way we do things, and I don’t want you to feel guilty either. I know what it’s like for a husband to not get into it because he is worried about getting you pregnant. We have kind of gotten over that with experience, but when it could be life threatening, I know that is a different story. You’re right that you need a lot of prayer as to what to do long term and if there should be some sort of surgery involved. In general, I’m not for that, either. But life or death trumps other health concerns, sometimes. I know it would be agonizing for my husband and I to be in that position. I don’t think I could do surgery, either.
      I guess the biggest question is, were your children planned? And what birth control did you use before/ in between them? If your form of birth control always worked for you before…. why change it? You don’t have to do what everyone else does, and you don’t have to answer to them. Pray for God to take away your guilty feelings, take away your fear, to close your womb and protect you from harm, and to bless your sex life. May God be with you. :)

      • Larry B of larrysmusings.com
        April 17, 2014

        Having used condoms in the early years of our marriage, yes, these do feel unnatural and reduce the stimulation that both spouses experience during lovemaking. Pulling out can work with some practice and communication. The husband and wife can “practice” this during the non-fertile time of the month. (As said above, the wife can help her husband when she feels the changes happening that signal his approaching climax.) For shared intimacy and mutual pleasure, condoms are not very good.

        Abstinence near the time of ovulation, and/or withdrawal are certainly preferable to the methods (regimens and devices) that prevent fertilized eggs (human life at the earliest stages) from successfully implanting in the womb. (By the time the “egg” makes it to the uterus for implanting, it has already divided a number of times and consists of many cells.)
        Larry B of larrysmusings.com recently posted…sometimes it is the little things that push you over the edgeMy Profile

  4. Anonymous
    April 8, 2014

    I’ve been reading this column regularly for months now and really enjoy it, and I’m glad to finally see the topic of PE addressed, because it’s been an issue in my marriage for over 25 years now. However, I have some additional information I thought I could share.

    There’s a difference between men who struggle with PE for a period of time (stats say that 40% will experience it) and those for whom it’s *always* an issue (about 6% of the population). For that 40%, causes include stress, relationship struggles, side effects from medication and health problems. The main thing to remember is that if it’s not always been an issue, with patience and understanding, things will return to normal.

    For the 6%, it’s a bit more complicated. Porn is a possible factor, but so is shame from improper teachings about sexuality. (This has been our struggle.) With patience and prayer, we’ve FINALLY dealt with the shame aspect, except there’s also the matter of acquiring skill. When PE is severe, frequency of sex doesn’t matter, quickies don’t help, positions don’t matter, speed doesn’t matter, amount of foreplay doesn’t matter, medications don’t help, stop-and-start is unsuccessful. At it’s most serious, PE means ejaculation before penetration.

    However, help is possible. There are urologists who specialize in male sexual dysfunction, and if the simpler suggestions don’t work, it is worth it to seek one out. We’re following the program in a book recommended by our doctor called “Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner and Have Great Sex” by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz. Although not specifically for Christians, it’s been extremely helpful for us. The program takes patience and months of work, but we’re finally seeing some results.

    This has been a real challenge in our marriage, but there are some important lessons I’ve learned through this struggle. God does care and He answers prayers about our sex lives. Working through problems can strengthen a marriage, and make us grateful for what we do have. And someday when I finally get to have the sex I’ve longed for, that lasts minutes instead of seconds, I won’t take it for granted.

    It’s been a long and lonely road for me, but if I can help anyone else shorten their time with this struggle, be an answer to prayer or even just to let someone know they’re not the only one, it helps heal my heart.

    • Sheila
      April 8, 2014

      Thank you for that recommendation! I’ll put the book in the post so others can see it, too.

  5. Rissa
    April 8, 2014

    Premature? I’ll say! I’ve all but given up. I’m lucky if I get 20 seconds from him. I don’t look forward to sex at all and I just feel like a tool. I can’t stand the dissatisfaction anymore. Whatever sex we do have is only for him. I’m not expecting anything great from it anymore because I can’t stand it.

  6. Julie Prins
    April 10, 2014

    90 days without sex!!!????? How can anyone do that! That would be severe punishment for the wife, as well!

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