Wifey Wednesday: Sexual Options Besides Intercourse

Christian Marriage Advice

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today please welcome Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage, who is sharing about creative options for alternatives to sex, when necessary because intercourse isn’t possible or desired.

Being a writer and speaker about sex in marriage, I’m obviously a big fan of the one-flesh aspect of intercourse.

God clearly designed a husband’s body and a wife’s body to unite together in the intimate experience of intercourse.  Though it’s not always easy to first figure out the coordination and rhythm needed to make love, nearly all married couples master it within a relatively short period of time.

But what about when intercourse is not an option, either because of medical reasons or other limiting factors?  (The most obvious one for a woman would be the latter stages of pregnancy when sex may be uncomfortable or for the 6-8 weeks after childbirth.  There also may be other medical conditions or injuries for a husband or wife that are not completely debilitating, but still make actual intercourse difficult, so that alternatives to intercourse are necessary).

And even when those limiting factors aren’t present, is there value in a husband and wife enjoying sexual pleasure together that doesn’t always include intercourse?  Yes! There are alternatives to sex that you can still enjoy.

Alternatives to Sex: 3 Ways to Enjoy Sexual Pleasure in Marriage Beyond Intercourse

When you learn to embrace and nurture sexual arousal that is not limited to intercourse alone, the positive effects on your marriage can be profound – endearing you to each other in a way that you never would have considered otherwise.

Keep in mind, I’m not talking about completely replacing intercourse.  Not at all. I’m merely saying that a husband and wife’s ability to bring each other sexual delight is a powerful privilege that simply can’t be narrowed to intercourse only.

Here are 3 suggestions for alternatives to sex:

1. Use your hands.

Touch is amazing. Sadly, I think too many couples downplay or short-circuit the extent they can use their hands to bless and affirm their spouse.

Too often, sex becomes overly focused on the penis and vagina, and the couple overlooks other areas of the body that are quite responsive to touch.

When you are naked with your spouse, don’t be in a hurry to get to intercourse.  (In fact, consider taking your time getting naked, possibly undressing each other sensually).

When you start caressing with your hands and fingertips, consider all parts of the body.

Some areas where sexual arousal can be enhanced through touch include the hair, scalp, face, neck, ears, arms, under the arm, sides of the chest, inner thigh, around the knees, back of knee, navel and virtually anywhere on your spouse’s backside.

As a wife, it may be extremely arousing (for you and him) when your husband lightly caresses your breasts and nipples. And for a man, he may find it incredibly exciting to have you caress his inner thighs and testicles.

Use a mix of light and firm touches, with smooth transitions.  Don’t overthink it. You will do just fine if you just consider yourself on a sweet tender mission to explore every part of your spouse’s body.

Respond accordingly to how they react.

When your spouse is caressing you, give feedback.  Offer specific praises or suggestions like, “I really love it when you use your fingernails on my scalp” or “That is so amazing when you lightly touch my inner thigh.”

And don’t be afraid to use your hands (and possibly a lubricant) to bring your spouse to climax.  If you spend enough time caressing each other’s body, you’ll find your desire to have an orgasm will increase.  Why not allow your spouse to use their hands to get you there?

Remember, you are in the exclusivity of your marriage bed, so consider it your private sexual playground to arouse each other.

2. Use your mouth.

I’m sure at first glance at this tip, you think I’m just referring to oral sex.  Certainly, oral pleasure can be such a gratifying way to give and receive sexual love, but using your mouth in other ways to arouse your spouse is enjoyable to explore.

The mouth is full of numerous sensory receptors, so it’s no surprise that when you and your spouse spend more time kissing passionately, your sexual interest and arousal is bound to increase.

And don’t hesitate to use your lips and tongue on your spouse’s entire body.

3. Use your words.

How often are you sexually playful and sexually affirming in the way you speak to your spouse?

There is power in words.  Are you using yours to delightfully intensify the sexual arousal between the two of you?

Discretely, yet intentionally, initiate conversations that are sexual in nature with your spouse.  (These can be particularly powerful if done when your spouse is least expecting it).  Whispering sweetly – and even erotically – in your spouse’s ear will likely stir their curiosity and desire in an all-consuming sort of way, creating intense anticipation.

If handled well, these conversations definitely will lead to two people in bed. And all their clothing on the floor. How delightful is that?!

With the use of your hands, mouth and words, you can heighten the sexual pleasure in your marriage, making sex about more than just intercourse.

Do you see what a difference that could make in the intimate connection you and your spouse share?

Julie Sibertpursuit of passionJulie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.  You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog.

 

Now, do you have any advice for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post to today’s Wifey Wednesday, and get some traffic back to your blog!



Comments

  1. Even though penile-vaginal intercourse (there are other sexual acts considered intercourse, such as oral- and finger-) has a unique postition in being the only way a new life can be created, I don’t agree that it is the only way you become one flesh. For me other sexual acts unite us as one flesh and can even be more intimate. And if you look at it purely physical other acts can actually also be one flesh.

    The passage in scripture often used talking about this is 1 Cor6:16 Or do you not know that anyone who is united with12 a prostitute is one body with her? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh. 6:17 But the one united with the Lord is one spirit with him.
    The word united is the same talking about the prostitute in verse 16 and talking about God in 17.

    So what’s my point? My point is that too often the church talks about sex being just penile-vaginal intercourse, leaving it pretty much open to people to do all thoose other things and still consider themself beeing pure and a virgin. I don’t think it’s how it works. If you manual stimulate 10 partners before marriage but don’t do penile-vaginal intercourse, I still think you didn’t save yourself for your spouse.

    • I would absolutely agree. I think we need to draw the distinction between affection/arousal or being affectionate vs. being sexual. All kinds of things besides intercourse are sexual–and so these, too, should be avoided before marriage. Affection is one thing; being sexual is another, and all of it really needs to be kept for marriage.

      Thanks for commenting!

  2. Thank you Julie for these words of wisdom! We are approaching the end of the second trimester with our first little one! Sex has not changed much for us yet which I am grateful for, but I have been wondering how it will change in the coming months. Keeping these things in mind will help us get through that period of change. Thank you!
    Cassie recently posted…6 Ways to Communicate about Tough TopicsMy Profile

  3. These are wonderful thoughts. It is always such a blessing to hear from both Julie and Sheila!

    Question: I do fine voicing when things feel good. Do either of you have suggestions for sharing when you’re in the middle of things and they feel not as good? In those instances (e.g., touch is a little rougher than is pleasant right then), there’s always an awkward balance of redirecting but not criticizing or ruining the mood. This is an area I could improve. You know what they say – practice, practice, practice! ;-)
    Kendra Burrows recently posted…Why Venting is OverratedMy Profile

  4. Stephanie says:

    I find what works best in our relationship is to make moments like that more about what would feel better vs. what isn’t pleasant in the moment. Such as, “babe, you know what would feel even better is…” I find it works well because its about what feels better for me and not about what not working.

  5. This is so important as we age. Is that a chorus of “Tell me about it”s I hear. Intercourse may become difficult, uncomfortable or impossible for one or both partners. As we age, we should begin considering and experimenting with alternatives to intercourse. Our physiology may demand we redefine “what” sex is and how we “do” it. We may also have to redefine sexual fulfillment. Orgasm may not only change in character and intensity, but become more illusive and stubborn when pursued. Don’t wait until you experience over-expectation followed by under-delivery. Don’t find yourself in a state of perpetual mourning that robs you of achieving potential intimacy and joy in new ways.
    Dan recently posted…“Look away! I’m hideous.”: Part 3My Profile

  6. Cassie,

    Congratulations on your little one! What a blessing! I have 3 children and I must say sex was very exciting for us when I was pregnant! Trying positions that weren’t normal for us added a lot to our sex life. Also, this may seem strange for some, but we loved when the baby kicked or moved during sex because it was a reminder of the ultimate manifestation of our love and that God had given us such a blessing! I was actually worried that the baby moving was going to be really awkward :-)

  7. Kendra,

    Something I find works well for me is (in a sexy voice) whispering “softer” or whatever else you’re trying to communicate. I found out that might husband actually appreciates the gentle constructive criticism!

  8. Great essay, Julie. When intercourse is not comfortable, married couples can opt for other ways of showing their love for each other.
    Larry B (larrysmusings.com) recently posted…reflections on Lent in today’s worldMy Profile

  9. I think one keyword for a successful marriage is “Creativity.” A lot of times, unexpected situations hit that can cause a “break” in the sexual relationship. As you said, “Pregnancy” is one. Also, my husband is a prostate cancer survivor and the recovery process was challenge for both of us. It’s amazing, often nobody tells us about the struggles we could have in the sexual area of our marriage until we learn on our own. I think this is why there are so many problems in that area.

    As a body of believers we need to be more open about sharing and discussing sex. It’s so much needed because it’s such an important part of the marriage relationship. Doing this could at least ease the pain couples have when they struggle in this area.

    Thanks for sharing these tips. :)
    Tiffany Godfrey recently posted…Marriage and Communication Series: #11 Saying the Wrong Words Causes Conflict in MarriageMy Profile

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Trackbacks

  1. […] Sharing with Messy Marriage and To Love, Honor and Vacuum. […]

  2. […] Try having sex in all different ways. Work on developing a larger, more inclusive definition of sex. Time can be time spent exploring each other’s bodies. Talk with your partner about what makes them feel good, other than intercourse or traditionally defined forms of sex. This manual from Oregon Health and Science University is an excellent resource for ways to engage with your partner when you have a pain condition. Also check out this article on alternatives to sexual intercourse. […]

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