12 responses

  1. LA
    March 5, 2014

    Even though penile-vaginal intercourse (there are other sexual acts considered intercourse, such as oral- and finger-) has a unique postition in being the only way a new life can be created, I don’t agree that it is the only way you become one flesh. For me other sexual acts unite us as one flesh and can even be more intimate. And if you look at it purely physical other acts can actually also be one flesh.

    The passage in scripture often used talking about this is 1 Cor6:16 Or do you not know that anyone who is united with12 a prostitute is one body with her? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh. 6:17 But the one united with the Lord is one spirit with him.
    The word united is the same talking about the prostitute in verse 16 and talking about God in 17.

    So what’s my point? My point is that too often the church talks about sex being just penile-vaginal intercourse, leaving it pretty much open to people to do all thoose other things and still consider themself beeing pure and a virgin. I don’t think it’s how it works. If you manual stimulate 10 partners before marriage but don’t do penile-vaginal intercourse, I still think you didn’t save yourself for your spouse.

    • Sheila
      March 5, 2014

      I would absolutely agree. I think we need to draw the distinction between affection/arousal or being affectionate vs. being sexual. All kinds of things besides intercourse are sexual–and so these, too, should be avoided before marriage. Affection is one thing; being sexual is another, and all of it really needs to be kept for marriage.

      Thanks for commenting!

  2. Cassie
    March 5, 2014

    Thank you Julie for these words of wisdom! We are approaching the end of the second trimester with our first little one! Sex has not changed much for us yet which I am grateful for, but I have been wondering how it will change in the coming months. Keeping these things in mind will help us get through that period of change. Thank you!
    Cassie recently posted…6 Ways to Communicate about Tough TopicsMy Profile

  3. Kendra Burrows
    March 5, 2014

    These are wonderful thoughts. It is always such a blessing to hear from both Julie and Sheila!

    Question: I do fine voicing when things feel good. Do either of you have suggestions for sharing when you’re in the middle of things and they feel not as good? In those instances (e.g., touch is a little rougher than is pleasant right then), there’s always an awkward balance of redirecting but not criticizing or ruining the mood. This is an area I could improve. You know what they say – practice, practice, practice! ;-)
    Kendra Burrows recently posted…Why Venting is OverratedMy Profile

  4. Stephanie
    March 5, 2014

    I find what works best in our relationship is to make moments like that more about what would feel better vs. what isn’t pleasant in the moment. Such as, “babe, you know what would feel even better is…” I find it works well because its about what feels better for me and not about what not working.

  5. Dan
    March 5, 2014

    This is so important as we age. Is that a chorus of “Tell me about it”s I hear. Intercourse may become difficult, uncomfortable or impossible for one or both partners. As we age, we should begin considering and experimenting with alternatives to intercourse. Our physiology may demand we redefine “what” sex is and how we “do” it. We may also have to redefine sexual fulfillment. Orgasm may not only change in character and intensity, but become more illusive and stubborn when pursued. Don’t wait until you experience over-expectation followed by under-delivery. Don’t find yourself in a state of perpetual mourning that robs you of achieving potential intimacy and joy in new ways.
    Dan recently posted…“Look away! I’m hideous.”: Part 3My Profile

  6. Amber
    March 6, 2014

    Cassie,

    Congratulations on your little one! What a blessing! I have 3 children and I must say sex was very exciting for us when I was pregnant! Trying positions that weren’t normal for us added a lot to our sex life. Also, this may seem strange for some, but we loved when the baby kicked or moved during sex because it was a reminder of the ultimate manifestation of our love and that God had given us such a blessing! I was actually worried that the baby moving was going to be really awkward :-)

  7. Amber
    March 6, 2014

    Kendra,

    Something I find works well for me is (in a sexy voice) whispering “softer” or whatever else you’re trying to communicate. I found out that might husband actually appreciates the gentle constructive criticism!

  8. Larry B (larrysmusings.com)
    March 7, 2014

    Great essay, Julie. When intercourse is not comfortable, married couples can opt for other ways of showing their love for each other.
    Larry B (larrysmusings.com) recently posted…reflections on Lent in today’s worldMy Profile

  9. Tiffany Godfrey
    March 8, 2014

    I think one keyword for a successful marriage is “Creativity.” A lot of times, unexpected situations hit that can cause a “break” in the sexual relationship. As you said, “Pregnancy” is one. Also, my husband is a prostate cancer survivor and the recovery process was challenge for both of us. It’s amazing, often nobody tells us about the struggles we could have in the sexual area of our marriage until we learn on our own. I think this is why there are so many problems in that area.

    As a body of believers we need to be more open about sharing and discussing sex. It’s so much needed because it’s such an important part of the marriage relationship. Doing this could at least ease the pain couples have when they struggle in this area.

    Thanks for sharing these tips. :)
    Tiffany Godfrey recently posted…Marriage and Communication Series: #11 Saying the Wrong Words Causes Conflict in MarriageMy Profile

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