Reader Question: I Caught My Husband Texting Another Woman

Reader Question of the Week

A woman writes: “my husband is texting another woman. What do I do?”. Every Monday I try to answer a Reader Question. Sometimes the questions I get are really hard ones, and today’s is an example. I know many of you have caught your husband on Facebook with another woman, or texting another woman, and your whole world is thrown up in the air. You’ll likely relate to this:

My husband does have a history of looking at porn on the internet, but claims to not do this anymore. Recently, I logged into his computer to print something, and his facebook was up. There happened to be a text between he and a “friend” who he claims helped him when we were going through marriage problems a while ago. He says they were just friends and she helped him understand a women’s point of view. Well, the FB text was horrible, sexy talk from him. He was asking her about masturbation and if she thought about him during it, etc. I have been praying about this since, but my question is: do I tell him I know? I am having a very hard time with this, as I feel every time he brings up sex or talks to me about something personal, that he is lying to my face.

I am so, so sorry if you’re walking through this, and I want to give a few general thoughts about it. These would apply whether you catch your husband texting another woman, catch him using porn, or even catch him in an affair.

"My Husband is Texting Another Woman". When you catch your husband betraying you, what do you do?

You Are Not to Blame if Your Husband is Being Unfaithful

I see this in so many women’s emails: the husband is doing something that is completely and utterly wrong, and yet she is the one who feels badly or guilty. Here she’s wondering if she should tell him, because if she does he turns it around and often blames her, and this sends her into a tailspin.

When a spouse is doing something wrong, one of the marks of it is that they will deflect the blame. If you’re walking through a relationship like this, you’ll often suspect something, but if you bring it up you’ll be told that you’re crazy, that you’re jealous, that you need to see a counselor, or, if the person can’t deny it, that it is all your fault because you weren’t sexual enough, or you weren’t available, or you nagged too much.

I’ve seen women who were certain their husbands were having affairs for years, but at the same time they felt that maybe they were just too jealous or were reading too much into things. They started to doubt themselves.

There’s two reasons for this: Your husband often denies and turns things around on you; but you also are so scared to face the truth that the relationship may be as bad as you fear that you throw the responsibility back on yourself.

So let me say this loudly and clearly: If your husband is texting another woman, or sexting another woman, he is the one doing wrong, not you.

You are not to blame. Yes, we can contribute to the temptation to sin. But no matter what you did, there is NEVER an excuse to start a relationship with someone who is not your spouse, and you need to let go of that guilt.

No Matter What Happens, You Will Be Okay

Please hear me on this one. You are bigger than your marriage. You are precious to God, just who you are. If your marriage falls apart, God will not leave you, and He will carry you through this.

For most of us, divorce or separation is the scariest thing we can imagine, next to losing our children. Our whole identity is tied up in being a wife. The thought that the marriage may be at stake sends us into such a tailspin.

Marriage is a wonderful thing. Marriage matters. The vow matters. But listen: God is bigger than your marriage. You are more important to Him than your marriage. And you honestly will be okay. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you will cry a river of tears. But He will carry you.

Now, hear me on this, too:

I am not saying that your marriage is over. I am not saying that it can’t be rebuilt. But until you are able to say, “My trust is in God, not in my marriage”, you will not be able to deal with this problem effectively. You will be so scared of losing your marriage that it will be hard for you to confront, to draw boundaries, and to do what is necessary to give yourself a chance at saving your marriage.

Now is the time to go running to God, and to find a close friend or counselor to help you do that, so that you have His inner strength and peace to deal with this.

Dont Doubt in the Dark from Dayspring

 

You Must Confront Him

Our letter writer is wondering if she should confront her husband. It’s understandable. As soon as you say the words, you can’t take them back. You can’t go on pretending everything is fine. It’s out in the open, and now all the ugliness has to be dealt with. What if you can’t put that genie back in the bottle?

If you don’t confront him it will get worse. If you don’t confront him you are hurting his own spiritual life. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions; that’s the only way that he will have the motivation to do the right thing.

Love Must Be ToughMany men (and many women) are living in this fairytale that they can have their cake and eat it, too. The more they go down that path, the more they damage themselves as people and hurt all those around them. He must be made to choose–which means that you need to be willing to accept the fact that he may not choose you. (The best book on this that I have found is Love Must Be Tough).

A few practical things: If you have caught him texting, take a picture of it. If you caught him on Facebook, take a screen shot. It is best to have proof so that he can’t argue or tell you that you’re crazy. If you found him using porn, take a screen shot of the computer’s internet history, just so that he can’t deny it. Then, instead of debating whether he actually did it, you can move on to dealing with the consequences of it.

Also, sometimes it’s better to confront him in the presence of a third party who can help you navigate that conversation. If it’s something big, talk to a pastor or counselor first, and ask them to be present while you talk to your husband. This isn’t always possible, but often these conversations go better this way.

Living in Truth is Better than Living in a Lie

There is nothing more exhausting than trying to maintain a fiction about your life. It is easier to live in the truth, even if the truth hurts, than to maintain a lie. Jesus said that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Jesus is the Truth; Jesus lives in the Truth. If you decide to live in the Truth, too, His resources and His power are there for you in a very powerful way.

Luke 8:17 says:

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

God is in the “bringing things out in the open” business.

When people start to be honest with each other, and honest with themselves, then God can work.

Whether you caught your husband using porn, or caught him in an affair, or caught him texting someone, the first step always is to run to God and put your trust ultimately in Him. Then remember: things need to be brought to light. Find a friend, or a counselor, or a pastor who can help you do this. Sometimes sitting down with a third party and confronting him is better than confronting him on your own. But do confront, do bring to light, and do know that no matter what happens, God is there for you and He can carry you.

Comments

  1. Butterflywings says:

    Be prepared for your husband to lie. Even after I found emails between my first husband and one of his mistresses describing their sexual encounters, he came up with every lie under the sun. His account was hacked, she was just joking, he was just testing to see if I ever read his emails, he was writing fictional erotic material etc. Every lie imaginable.

    I don’t have an answer, other than be prepared in case he tries to lie about it.

    • I caught my husband asking for nasty pix from one his acquaintance and few months later i caught him reaching out to his ex -girl friend who cheated her husband wz my mine (that was before we met) my point here is -if your husband has short temper then the matter would be really ill. I was blamed, called a dumb B*&^ch , he even said why he chose me to marry coz he never thought our marriage would be so stressful (that’s coz i was striving to live wz morals and values) I did exactly what the above. i confronted by my self and burnt my finger – I told what i needed to say and then turned to Jesus He is our ultimate intimacy ,healer, comforter and what ever we need Him to be ( i’m smiling while i just typed that) so i know what you are going through. my husband is a porn addict too i have spoken about it – am praying and asking the Lord to move -we cannot change our husbands except God ,Only the Holy Spirit can bring conviction to the person. unless he is changed inside out by God nothing will work. its like talking to a brick wall. I went to talk to my pastor’s wife and she counseled me and told me-you have now done your part- now stop sneaking around and doing the 007 work and hand your husband over to God, when we as wives keep doing what our minds tells us to do out of emotion God cannot work in our husbands. she said keep you mouth shut and start writing a prayer journal. start writing every thought in it like a prayer and pray it over and have faith. Lord will reveal things and bring things to light. and show LOVE,KINDNESS, turst the Lord He will answer you and your heart will know it! God bless….

  2. Lynn Meyers says:

    Sheila is giving the best advice. I am a little over a year of rebuilding my marriage after finding out my husband was having an affair with a coworker. He tried to lie his way out of it and I almost allowed him to, because I was so scared of him divorcing me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit kept putting it in my face in ways I could not ignore and gave me plane tickets in both of their names as my proof. I hid this from him and we went to a counselor and I basically told them I knew about an upcoming trip without letting either one of them know I had copies of the tickets and he lied the entire session. I finally went to a lawyer, but went to Mass before meeting him and the Gospel that day said, If you are to go with your opponent before a magistrate make an effort to settle the matter on the way…Luke 12:58-59. I confronted him with it he denied, I shoved the tickets in his face, he got mad and 2 months later finally decided to try to work it out. Go to Jesus, TRUST IN HIM, He will see you through this. Sheila, I would be happy to talk to this woman if you want to contact me and exchange emails or numbers. I had a few amazing woman to pray me though this and my priest. Jesus led me to them, without them I could not gotten to the wonderful place I am now. Trust in Him, He will carry you through this.

  3. I completely agree about confronting him, any other thing will be, soon enough, intolerable for you.
    But it’s important to confront him the right way.
    Doing it wrong will indeed make him tell you you’re crazy, that it’s your fault, that you’re paranoid etc etc, and will send him running from the house (for a chance to get his story straight and hide evidence).

    I wrote a post recently about how to confront an unfaithful husband, and I think it can be of help to you:

    http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/

    I hope you hang in there, I know from personal experience how shattering this eperience is for you, but don’t lose hope. It doesn’t mean it’s the end. It’s actually a golden opprtunity to make your marriage better than it is now.
    Lisa recently posted…Comment on Contact by Lisa PennMy Profile

    • As I sit here and listen to all the bias comments,I truly wonder if these ladies are on God’s side or their own.
      There is a reason for your man’s actions. It takes two individuals to get to the point were you both were in your relationships.
      I’am living this right now. I too was text and meeting a women whom truly helped me. I told her that I wasn’t looking for what she thought. It is typical behaviour for the other party not to believe this when the evidence is right in front of them.

      Its fact that if it was a guy whom helped out, or I should say the same sex, we wouldn’t have a problem with it now would we.
      Fact of the matter is that Trust has been lost in your relationship. some thing that you need to take responsibility for.
      Having your friends say its not your fault clearly tells me that you have choose not to take responsibility for your actions.
      and is some thing that needs to be done. so in closing ladies and gentleman go to your spouse ask for forgiveness
      and mend your marriage as intelligent and loving husbands and wife’s. then thank god for what he has given you.
      pray for your marriage and for your actions.. good luck and forgive me for my tongue.. May God bless you all.

      • John, anytime a man goes outside his marriage to find a woman “to truly help him” with or without the sex, he is cheating. The Bible is very clear in both the old and new testaments that we even THINK about it we have committed adultery (Matt 5:27). Your statement that “it takes two” is only partially true. There is NO excuse to cheat – even emotionally only — on your wife. There are plenty of good Christian counselors – both men and women – to whom you could “truly get help”. But that isn’t what you wanted. You wanted an emotional affair, an ego boost and someone to agree with you. Be honest with yourself first and please, question your own side before you accuse others of not being on God’s side. He knows your heart. It is never the other partners fault when their spouse CHOOSES to cheat on them. I’m not saying both parties don’t contribute to marital problems, but in your own example, YOU have gone outside the marital home. There is no justifying that.

  4. “Boundaries,” by Cloud & Townsend, gave me incredible Biblical courage. I think every woman should read it. It will give you the strength to do what you must do in bringing this out into the light. God revealed the messages to you because it is time for it to be addressed. As Sheila said, until you can say you trust in God, more than your marriage, you won’t be able to move forward well. None of this is easy. My prayers are with you, dear reader.
    Bonny recently posted…Piece of Cake….My Profile

  5. Caught my husband says:

    I caught my husband. The first time he denied it then I found more and more evidence and finally confronted him and he confessed. I called in to work said I had an emergency. I then went straight to church and told my pastor. Long story short my husband was a complete jerk to the pastor but after lots of counseling and prayer we are making our marriage better. It has been heartbreaking but I’m pushing through the grace of Jesus.

  6. Great points, that he has done something quite wrong and she needs to talk to him about it. But then what? From the comments above she should expect lies, denial and a complete mess, but don’t worry, no matter what happens, she will be ok.. really? If this whole scenario is occurring in the first place, she is not ok, he most certainly is not ok and they are not ok. So before we call this case closed, why not consider what’s actually going on. Here’s my take:
    He is a desperate man. He wants nothing more than to be loved, appreciated, adored by his wife, especially physically. This isn’t even about sex; it’s about honor. He is so cut and devastated by his own wife whom he loves, who doesn’t appreciate him in a way he can understand, if at all. He feels stuck in that miserable situation. I’m sure he’s tried to tell her how he feels, too, but has not been met with understanding. He needs to feel appreciated, and he has sunk to the point of taking it wherever he can get it – from another woman who’s no doubt got her own problems too.
    So before she brings up his sin, I suggest she asks him whether or not he feels appreciated by her, physically. And after opening up all that sin and pain, if he cannot articulate his position clearly, show him what I’ve written to see if he relates to it. I’m quite sure he will.

    • William, I can’t possibly write all that happened, but I was trying to say that, the Holy Spirit will guide you through this if you open yourself up to God and trust in His way, not the world’s. I had family and friends tell me to leave him, humiliate him…I knew I wanted to try to save my marriage. I was blessed to have a priest and some friends who believed in marriage enough to help me through all the struggle. Yes, he cheated, but they helped me see that we both allowed our marriage to break down. Sadly neither one of us saw this coming until he was in over his head. We both woke up when it hit us in the face. Everything you described he was going through was correct, but sadly I felt the same way. Our communication had broken down and while I was trying to go to him to make things better, he was working long hours and he was working with another woman who was also hurting. It was easy to be there for each other because they had no baggage together, they could tell each other their troubles and relate in their hurt, but it was easy, because they had nothing to work on together, they could comfort each other instead. If he had talked about his struggles with me, it would have required work on both of our parts. To quote you, ” If this whole scenario is occurring in the first place, she is not ok, he most certainly is not ok and they are not ok.” You are correct, but he needs to go to her over and over until they can both communicate what is going on. Talking it out with a member of the opposite sex is not going to help any marriage. Instead together or individually they need to find a neutral person, in my case it was a priest, for someone else it may be a friend of the same gender or a counselor, but going to a friend or coworker of the opposite sex is a red flag in my book. I have seen too many affairs begin with the innocent idea of being there for the other person. All this talking is intimate and even if they don’t mean to get close, they are sharing their hearts with someone other than their spouse. Sharing this with their spouse, although harder and more painful can bring closer intimacy if they give it the time. Like I said, it took my husband about 2 months to end the affair. During this time I kept trying. I called, wrote notes…I did not try to hurt him the way he hurt me, I tried to show him that it would be hard to rebuild trust, but that if he was willing to try, I believed we could get past this. It took us about 8 months of real struggle, but after about 8 months we crossed a bridge and since then have continued to get better at communicating our true feelings to each other and rebuild our marriage. I believe it is better than it has ever been and unless he needs to change careers and go into acting he is very happy in our marriage now too. Pray and trust God to lead you through this.

      • Lynn. It’s great to hear that your marriage is on the mend even after an affair. I do hope, though, that the original wife in question is saved from that depth of pain through open communication before her husband is further lost in sin. Marriage is built on actions and words. I have worked so hard on my own marriage and the hardest thing has been breaking communication barriers, and I also know that my marriage too is the best it’s been and getting better all the time.

      • well said Lynn…..lovely to hear! God bless

    • Butterflywings says:

      William why do you assume that the wife is at fault in this situation? how do you know his wife isn’t adoring, appreciating and loving him, especially physically?

      When I was married to my first husband, basically I worshipped him. It was wrong of me to adore him that much, in many ways making him an idol. Yes we had problems, but not because I didn’t adore and appreciate and love him. We had sex nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. Even after I was sexually assaulted while in hospital (long story), when I couldn’t even stand my toddler hugging me I was so repulsed at being touched, I still kept having sex with him and when he’d roll over and go to sleep I’d go to another room and cry. He never knew – he used to boast to his mates how good I was in bed and how much I loved him – plastering all over the internet (embarrassing to me, but it was nice that he could see how much I adored him). Yes we had problems but those problems entirely centred on him having a drug problem, draining all the money out of our bank account and my purse to buy drugs, beating me if I hid money to buy food for our baby, beating me if I begged him to leave me so money to feed the baby, and then coming home high and beating me just for the sake of it because he was high. He started cheating on me because as well as a drug addict, he was also a sex addict. He knew he was always loved and appreciated at home and had a fantastic sex life.

      Some guys cheat even when they have a great sex life and a wife who adores them. My problem was I just forgave and forgot everything he did and never put boundaries in places. I adored him too much. There are sadly many men who feel very appreciated who still cheat. You can’t just assume that a cheating man has a woman who doesn’t appreciate him.

      • Hi Butterflywings. I do not assume the wife is at fault. The first thing I wrote was ‘he has done something quite wrong’, acknowledging that he is at fault. Then I described what may be his perspective and his feelings. These don’t justify his sin, but his feelings are still real and worth noting, which was my aim.
        His wife may well be doing everything right. But if she is, and he still feels unloved and unappreciated, then there is a communication issue.
        Also, I was not addressing the wives of cheating husbands everywhere. Only the wife who submitted the original question and wives in similar situations where there is an online relationship but no physical affair. I certainly would not generalise my response to your situation, which is completely different.

    • William, you couldn’t be more wrong about this. His wife could be the worst human being on the planet, and it is still his decision whether or not to honor his marital vows. To cheat, to stray, to be unfaithful is all on him. It was his choice, his utilization of his agency, and when he opted to look outside of his marriage, the sin is on him. There was someone in the plan who was advocating that we not have agency, that we not be responsible for our choices– and that individual fell. Don’t follow the same mentality of the great deceiver.

      • Hi Keighty. I agree with you, the sin is on him. The very first thing I wrote was that his action was wrong. I aimed to bring to light what may be his perspective and feelings. Understanding his perspective is important in seeking to mend the situation.
        Am I wrong? Lynn wrote that ‘everything [I] described [her husband] was going through was correct’. So I maintain that the original husband in Sheila’s article probably feels this way too.
        I’m pretty sure the devil was a strong advocate for agency when he chose to stand against God. And I have never heard of him shirking responsibility for his actions. Adam and Eve did that though.
        I was bringing to light a broken man’s feelings, which is far more grace than most commenters are willing to offer him.

  7. First visit a lawyer & find our what your rights are. You don’t have to divorce just find out where you stand. Then if she is married contact her spouse & let him know what you’ve found. Don’t tell him you are doing this. Immediately after confront him Tell him it stops now. If he is in ant ministry position tell the pastor right away. He need a swift. & hard wake up call. Shock & awe to get his attention. I am 15 months out from discovering an affair w my husband & I’ve been thru hell with an unrepentant spouse for the first 3 months. There are things I wish I’d done different. But I did all the above except contacting the spouse. I regret that decision. My wayward husband convinced me not to. Wrong choice. I don’t think Id have had those 3 months of torture if Id contacted the other spouse. The husband was covering his own butt & his affair partners as well & they kept in secret communication for a month after I confronted him. They wouldn’t have happened if her husband had known. He even filed for divorce at her urging with plans they’d get together afterward. Of course prayer too. I had several prayer warriors praying with me but it was still excruciating. We have to take action too along with our prayers.

  8. Really, William? We should pity her poor husband because he has been denied the level of physical adoration he prefers? This isn’t about lust, sex or sin, but about a wife who won’t satisfy his sexual needs?

    I’m not saying that she’s a perfect wife — she’s human and thus imperfect — but to suggest she shoulder the blame is wildly inappropriate.

    You clearly condone or at least sympathize with his actions. This woman is crying out for help after a sickening betrayal, and all you see is a husband who didn’t get enough sex.

    I don’t know who I feel worse for – the wife who sent this, or yours.

    • Hi Quincy. No you should not pity him, but rather understand his perspective on the situation.
      I said nothing of his sexual needs. I said that his needs are honor, appreciation and understanding, and that he doesn’t feel these from his wife. I described the feelings which may have lead him to sin in that way.
      I did not suggest she was in the blame. The situation I described is not based on the wife’s actions at all. It is based on what the husband perceives, regardless of her actions. It’s like in Gary Chapman’s book where two people love each other but that doesn’t mean they are both receiving that love.
      I don’t condone or sympathize with his actions. I sympathize with his feelings because in the past I have felt unappreciated by my wife and it’s miserable feeling. I hope that this man does not give up on his marriage, just like his wife has not given up. I did not see a man in need of sex. I actually said that ‘this isn’t even about sex’. I saw a sad and desperate man, who deserves as much understanding and grace as the rest of us. I don’t think the marriage is a write-off.
      I too feel sorry for the wife in question. I also feel hopeful that her marriage can be redeemed, like Lynn’s was.
      But why feel bad for my wife? We love and appreciate each other, face challenges and enjoy life together. Getting to this point has been tough. It’s required much hard work, persistent communication and grace. She is worth it, and we are both committed to putting in the effort.

      • William–I think the point, though, is that you are making a LOT of assumptions about the husband, and that’s what people are reacting to. Nowhere in that synopsis did it say anything about whether or not he was respected or whether or not he was getting his sexual needs met, etc.

        In fact, it’s quite often in marriages where the husband has an apparent LOW sex drive that he strays–largely because he’s using porn instead of having sex with his wife, and then he decides to act it out.

        Is this the case here? I have absolutely no idea. We have no information to go on. But there definitely are marriages like that. So are there marriages where a husband feels disrespected and he strays? Sure. Are there marriages where a wife desperately wants an intimate relationship, doesn’t get one, and then finds out he’s texting another woman? Sure. It could be ANY scenario, and I think what people are reacting to is that you assumed it was one, when it really could have been a number of others.

        • I don’t know how I assumed those things since nowhere in my comment did I mention respect or sexual needs. I even said it wasn’t about sex. So it seems just about everyone here is willing to put words in my mouth.

          I think the upset over my comment is that I wrote the man’s side of the story (as I said, not to excuse him but because it was given no consideration in the article). I didn’t balance it with the wife’s side of the story because everyone seems to empathize with her already, to say the least.

  9. I recently caught my wife texting another man making plans , using excuses why we weren’t getting along , so I got his phone number and called him after I had to sneak behind her to unlock her phone? One indication of her being sneaky, so I confronted him didn’t like his answer so I looked him up on Fb and looked up his wifes Fb and it automatically gave me her place of employment so I called her and asked her if she knew that she was getting a divorce as well and she knew nothing about that, so my wife found out that the mas wife was called and wow she blew up and kicked me out and filed for divoce on that same day just cause she got caught I get the bad end of the stick.
    So its not just women that are victims men are too but dont come forward.
    JP

    • ButterflyWings says:

      I’m sorry to hear that Joe. Sadly I know all too well what you mean. One of my husband’s mistresses that he was “engaged” to when we separated was married – with five kids, two of which weren’t even her husbands (and the other three may or may not have been with her history). Didn’t stop her from cheating on her husband to be with mine. And the most sickening thing? when her husband found out about their affair and got sick of it and dumped her, that was her excuse in convincing mine that he needed to get a divorce – because “women can’t survive without a man” and she “needed” him so she wasn’t alone. I mean there are millions of single men around, and women who sleep around have no problem attracting a man, so why set out to break up a marriage with a man who she knew had a loving wife who had no clue he was cheating and who she knew adored him and believed marriage is for life. She could have had any man, but wanted a married one.

      To this day it makes me sick that she tried to use the excuse of her own (second actually) husband dumping her for cheating repeatedly as an excuse to tell my husband to say he had to break up with me to be with her because of the pathetic “women can’t survive without a man” excuse. If women can’t survive without a man, where did she think that would leave. He ignored her, but in the end it was another of his mistresses tactics that split us up – she was telling him to be violent towards to me and our daughter, and when he bashed our 5yo, I had to ask him to leave the house. He in turn shacked up with one mistress then the other and demanded a divorce to marry the second.

      But yes, there are definitely women out there who are cheats, women out there who are abusive. The advice for you would be the same good advice given to the women here. Don’t let your wife cheating break your spirit. You’re not alone and you have people who care. Even if we are just strangers on a page.

    • That’s really sad…..she was waiting for an opportunity to jump in to kick you out. i think women cheat more than men , only difference is that women are very careful and play the Innocent role… sad how people hurt each other intentionally or unintentionally….

  10. Puke, William. He has his own agency, and she did not force him to sin. She could have been the worst wife ever, and his decisions are still his. What you have described is what professionals call “victim blaming,” so pack that right up and be on your way.

    • Of course she did not force him to sin. They are both victims of sinful nature and she is the victim of his infidelity. That’s quite clear. He and his wife did not have a mutual understanding of love and appreciation. They are responsible for their marital situation. He is responsible for his infidelity. There’s a difference.
      To quote a professional, speaking to the victim wife:
      ‘And if there is anything that you did–even if you were only 5% responsible, as if such a thing could be measured–it’s important to own up and admit that. It helps you break the ice. You’re not blaming your spouse for everything; you’re saying, “we have a problem. I know that I partially contributed to it. I did X and Y, and I am truly sorry, and ask you to forgive me.”
      I’m not blaming the victim any more than Sheila is in that quote. I sure don’t appreciate your animosity toward me for expressing the husband’s perspective. I didn’t comment to make a point. I commented to add to the collective understanding of Sheila’s readers. I hope someone appreciates that, and Sheila too, otherwise I really am unwelcome here.

  11. I believe that waiting a little bit to confront is ok. This allows time for emotions to settle down so that the wife can discuss with the husband calmly and rationaly. Also, it gives the wife time to take it to God 1st! That is number one….take it to God…ask God to help the you be able to confront the husband lovingly and gently. (if you disagree, please refer to Galations 6:1-10). Pray, study God’s word on this subject and on how to confront and fast. The husband’s reaction may not be any different, however he will be able to see that she is coming to him calmly and not acting crazy…and hopefully her loving confrontation will point him back to God and be the beginning of restoration.

  12. Willi8am said-They are responsible for their marital situation. He is responsible for his infidelity. There’s a difference.

    No William, ‘they’ are not responsible. HE is responsible. It does take two people to make a marriage work, it only takes one to blow it apart, just ask any wife who is abused, dealing with an addict, someone who has multiple affairs. You can love someone perfectly, and they will still hurt you. Just look at Jesus, He loved perfectly, and some still didn’t believe, and they crucified Him.

  13. Wow, kind of a similar situation over here! I could really use some Christian friends to help counsel me! I love my husband, and we’ve been married 10 years (only by the grace of God!) But I’ve also caught him with text messages, and recently he told an exgirlfriend he wanted to take her out to lunch. He’s always leaving me at home with the kids to go “do stuff” but gets mad when I go play cards on Tuesday nights w some friends. I don’t have any proof other then the texts, and I’ve caught him in MANY lies! I’m trying to give it all to God, but could definitely use some more prayers! Especially for his soul! He doesn’t like me going to church and being so “weird”. Could u pray for us?

  14. In the past my husband commited adultery. Just recently I saw a message on his phone where he asked another woman out on a date. He also messaged a few other women to tell them we were fighting and he was at a certain hotel drinking beer. The messages were flirting one even gave him a phone number. One he had plans to go pick up for a day of riding his Harley. My question is does this fall under the biblical definition of adultery?

  15. jennifer says:

    I don’t usually post on these, but I have gone through all of this and am still battling the resentment of it all. I ask God everyday to remove the hurt and resentment, and to change his heart and mind. It is only Him that can make those changes, not me. I cannot change what he did, all I can do is try to forgive completely, as I continue to love him unconditionally. As for the comments that are regarding who is to blame, I do not believe that you can place the blame on the one being chheated and lied to. If the relationship is not at it’s best in any matter, it is still a choice that we each make to remain faithful or to leave. If he was that unhappy, leaving would have been the better choice. Not choosing to keep what he had and keep himself pleased with another. That is in no way her fault. It is in no way her fault that he made the CHOICE that HE did. The problems they already had should have been addressed. And, those are BOTH their responsibility to take. But, in the choice of cheating, lying etc., that choice is not shared by both. Just the one doing it. And, so that problem within the relationship is SOLELY his fault. Not hers by any percentage. As far as the professional statement, it is their job to be bias and not make any one party in the relationship feel “cornered” or defensive. So yes, they are going to place the burden of blame on both parties. I call it BS.

    • I agree 100% with Jennifer. My husband had an affair 1-1/2 years ago. He had other choices. He could have voiced his unhappiness, moved our, filed fie divorce, sought counseling on his own, ask fir an intervention with his wife with a church friend to help him, written a letter to me, so many other options instead of cheating on me. He bricks my heart & my teen children’s heart just to have ace with a much younger woman. He told us I was his reason fie being unhappy & that he was leaving. he literally destroyed our 28 year marriage & the hearts if his wife & children because he didn’t open his mouth & let me know what was bothering him. It was nor my fault in the least. We are trying to reconcile now but so much hurt & devastation could have been avoided. People need to grow up & speak up & act like adults & take responsibility for their lives & stop blaming others around them for their lack morals. Any spouse whose been cheated in did not have an equal choice in the marriage. I know I would have made changes if my husband had asked for it. I would have done counseling if any kind instead of enduring this pain. But, that would have been too easy. He wouldn’t have gotten his ego stroked by a younger woman or gotten to have sex with her.

  16. Jacquelyne Kemp says:

    Thank you so much for this! I am currently dealing with my husband texting and calling other women. I am feeling like losing all hope and desire to stay married to my husband. We have not been married a year and this is not what I expect from him. Please keep me in prayer! I really need it. Thanks again for this article for I will seek God for comfort. Be bless!

  17. How do you trust again?

  18. Everyone is bashing William instead of trying to understand his point. My husband had an affair with two other women a year ago and this was a lot of our situation. Is the affair on him? Yes, as far as the choice to go outside the marriage. No one made him do it. Did I do everything I could to affair proof our marriage? I don’t think so after everything I know. Both women were “damaged”, had two kids by two different dead beat dads and no families to help them and worked minimum wage jobs. From the time we dated my husband always made three times my salary. Three years ago is was injured on the job and found himself making a third his salary and I was promoted to a new job meaning I make twice his salary. That was hard for him, and whether anyone agrees or not that’s hard on a man. I come from a broken family so I have always been independent and guarded. The two of these things were no doubt a blow to my husband. I’m more of a non confrontational person (libra in every way) and when my husband would do something that made me mad I would suck it up and let it build. He lost his job when our baby was 4 weeks old. He allowed himself to wallow in his pity party after losing job and stopped helping me with the baby meaning I did everything from getting up four times a night to all her care while also working 40 hours a week and working on my masters degree. I tried to make him happy still as in let him hunt whenever he wanted, take a nap even when I was a walking zombie, and still buy all his toys meaning sacrificing my wants for his because of our changing finances. What happened? It made me resentful towards him. Why should I even be married if I’m in it on my own? Did I tell him how I felt? Not with my words but with my actions. When he would clean the house once in a blue moon I wouldn’t bother to thank him, why should I when he’s doing something I do everyday and he never thanks me. He would want to be intimate and I would but I wasn’t the most into it, of course I’m going to roll over and go to sleep afterwards I have to wake up at 5am and the baby is going to wake up multiple times during the night and he isn’t going to get up I can use all the sleep I can get. Basically I had a lot of my own issues as far as respecting or appreciating him. I didn’t, and didn’t feel like he gave me a reason to. I was wrong on my part for that. It’s marriage and were both adults and keeping score isn’t love. I became detached from him emotionally. My husband didn’t tell me his feelings either. He felt like no matter what he did try to do it didn’t matter. It was only a matter of time before these two women, which he worked with, started talking with him and him with them about their relationship issues. These women made less than him, had nothing, and were emotionally drained from their relationships. It was a knight in shining armour situation all around. When I found out I threw his stuff out, confronted the women, and have him an ultimatum. He said let’s go to counseling, changed his phone number, deleted Facebook, and put a tracking device on his phone if I would just forgive him and try to fix our marriage together. Did this damage me and destroy trust? Yes, believe me three different anxiety and depression meds later I’m sorting myself out. Is our marriage stronger than it’s ever been? Absolutely. We went to counseling, learned our love languages, and really had an awakening about what both of us needed and lacked. Supporting your spouse (Husband and wife) through words of affirmation, listening to each other’s wants and needs, and just being transparent in everything as soon as it happens is the only way to make it work. Marriage is for worse or for better, sickness and health, rich or poor. If both parties are committed to fixing it with God foremost and each other things can be renewed.

    • Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I have a eerily similar situation, only it was texting and facebook. We are married and I love him with everything I am, but I am still finding the trust thing to be the most difficult…. It’s mostly because during the time he did this, he never stopped being sweet and loving. He always said the right things and so I didn’t even know that he was having an issue with us… I know that my faith kept me loving him unconditionally, without falter. But, does it get easier?

      • Like you, I had no clue something was going on. In the weeks before it came out he had even started taking our baby to daycare for me in the morning so I could sleep a little extra. In counseling he came out and said the reason he started doing that was guilt. He had started to realize he was in deeper than intended and didn’t know how to find his way out. We are a year out and did counseling and he has taken the steps needed to reestablish trust but it is still not where it was before. He gets frustrated but it’s like the idea of taking a plate throwing it on the ground and breaking it. Even if you say sorry and put it back together it’s still not what it was before. Something that has helped significantly in rebuilding is the Gary Chapman book Love Languages. You can find it online for free. We learned we have two completely different love languages which was a key issue in our frustrations over the year. The thing he is still having to learn to cope with is he destroyed not just our marriage with the act, he destroyed me. I felt like everything I knew to be true was a lie because the person I would lay down my life for betrayed me. It’s going to be hard for a bit, and then you’ll get to the point where you have triggers that will cause bad days but you can get there. Keep your head up. God promised better or worse and I can tell you we have had a lot of betters since the worse, but HE must be willing to do what you want and need him to do to reestablish trust.

  19. I feel the same as Dee, you are a mature human being so if you are unhappy about your relationship, partner o whatever the situation may be you should express this to your spouse. Communication is key, even if you feel the other person isn’t listening continue to express yourself in clear calm voice. I am married for less than a year but my spider senses feel my husband may be texting (or worse) with other women. He says he likes women as friends, I don’t mind that at all. I like most of his female friends, the ones he knew before we met/married but I do not understand why he continues to befriend young (barely dressed) females or exes that contact him after years. I told him I don’t appreciate that, that I find it upsetting. I am not befriending handsome, single men or ex boyfriends, I have no need to do that. I have my husband as my bestfriend, that is why I married him. Yet he continues to blame me being insecure. Sure, I may act insecure even though I tell him in a mature way but he continues to keep these “new” friendships from me. Why? We’re married so why this need for a secret online life? He isn’t open about who he befriends, he’s always very cheerful when coming off his phone, secretive with his phone (makes sure I can’t see his screen etc) and he stays out late when he says he leaves work early. Whenever I want to discus it I am being told I am the one in the fault. I am too clingy, than I am too distant, too pushy, don’t respond to his touch always contradicting responses in same conversation that leaves me spinning and wondering “maybe I am a terrible wife” even when I know I am not. He doesn’t like communicating equal, he want to tell me what he needs and I need to obey by it, his rules… my needs do not matter, my wants are demanding and don’t meet his so why do I fuss. I asked God for strength, help and what not except it keeps getting worse. I am sexual, open, listen, grow, try to do what ever he says he needs but I feel I am starting to loose myself, I’m starting to feel numb and every night I cry… he doesn’t seem to care, even tho he says he’s an empath he doesn’t give a ratsass (pardon my French) about my feelings. Sure he spends money on me and spoils me with materialistic stuff, he works hard etc but that is not what makes a husband. He knows I don’t care about materialism, it’s about growing together. Loving and nourishing each other… right now all he seems happy with is his online life and God knows what else. I know I am not it and I need some help from a pastor or minister. I am going to seek help, if not with him than I go alone. Sorry for my little “me” rant.

    • Not a rant to apologize for. A marriage is made for two and only works with two. When he married you he vowed to forsake all others. He doesn’t need female friends. If they need someone to talk to he could ask you to do it. He is opening the door for negative marriage destroying consequences. Also I have learned that there needs to be 100% transparency in EVERYTHING. If he has a password you should know it. General rule we have is if it isn’t a conversation you would have on speaker phone and with your spouse present, it should not be said at all but especially not to a member of the opposite sex. Also I learned if you gave a gut feeling trust it. But also know this, he must be willing to turn from his actions, ask for forgiveness, and become transparent. If not, it will not work. Will it be your fault? Absolutely not! You cannot be in a marriage alone or with someone who is unfaithful and I strongly believe being unfaithful is not just sex. It’s emotions and words meant only for your spouse as well. Pray about it and talk to someone. Just know you cannot make it work for him.

      • Thank you Tara, I feel the same, there should be transparency in a marriage. I allowed him to spin me, my words and believes around anytime I ask to talk to each other. It always turns out that I’m a nag, I never listen (and I listen, I hear, I try really hard to not interrupt but it’s never enough) Im always the one in the wrong, immature for finding it strange he has these old ex lovers/ friends as new friends (and than says he accepts them to see if they have something interesting to say or he cuts them loose) I don’t care about his really old female friends (he knows them since diapers, they’re married etc and respect us as a couple). He also finds me immature for not allowing him to have his privacy aka private online life. Why marry me if you want single life? I’ve always been open and honest about my views of marriage, very clear!
        Even yesterday he added a new “old” friend/lover who reach out to him so I asked him calmy about her “who’s your new pal?” I don’t wNt to talk about it now (it’s another thing; in past relations he talked about everything and they never appreciated it do he stopped it, I told him I need open and honesty but he’s done with it he now says). I tell him everything, an old friend reach out to me (male friend from when we were kids) I told my husband and talked to him about it and his respond: “yea weird, why befriend him… but it’s up to you”
        I definitely need to talk to someone before I explode. I’m new to this part of the world so I’m actually alone (besides my husband) and know no one. I’m going to find a church or outreach and see if I can find someone I can trust. Right now I try to live up to his standards and rules but that’s not healthy at all and not the kind of person I am or want to be.
        Right now I feel I cheated myself, I take full blame of everything and that’s just wrong (although I take responsibility for allowing this treatment and my actions). Things need to change, he needs to change instead of thinking he’s sone kind of mister perfect and mister know it all, better than me as he’s been acting the last months. There’s no excuse for his behavior! None, not even being in pain, I am a chronic pain patient and never ever allowed that to treat others disrespectful or as second hand or trash. Thank you, I hope I keep this strength you given me. It’s nice to know people think the same, I was thinking he was right and I was really the “bad guy”.

        • He wants you to feel like that. Cheating, emotional, sexual, etc is selfserving and wrong. More than likely somewhere inside him he knows he’s wrong whether he admits it or not so he places that on someone else instead of taking ownership. That’s why he puts it on you like you’re the crazy one. It is not I anyway “crazy” to want a faithful spouse. If a person doesn’t want monotony and faithfulness they should not get married. I know your frustration but understand you are not “crazy” for wanting a loyal spouse. Trying is commended but don’t be afraid to stop taking this road if he can’t be faithful. Even religious people realize that while marriage is for life it isn’t meant to be if the other is unfaithful. I don’t know if you are religious or not, I respect people not ideas, but NO ONE deserves a life with someone that does not cherish them or remain faithful to them. Whatever your decision may be like Shelia said YOU will be ok. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. Shame on him for not appreciating someone who clearly cares about being faithful to her husband and showing him unconditional love when your disrespected.

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