Top 10 Tips for Initiating Sex with Your Husband

How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband--without feeling awkward
Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated, and how many has your husband initiated?

If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem!

Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling, and it’s not clear WHO initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). And sometimes he has a really low sex drive, and so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off. I’ve got a series for women in that situation here.

But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, and so he’s the one who always initiates. And you’re not even sure how to initiate sex, because you’ve never really done it!

When I was researching my book The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiation:

Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.

Paul Byerly, who writes at the Generous Husband, puts it this way:

For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realise this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.

When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.

So, ladies, it’s time to step up to the plate! But how do you initiate sex?

Top Ten Tuesday
Today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I’d like to share 10 tips on how to initiate sex with your husband

–and help your husband feel like the most blessed man in the world!

1. DO Show Enthusiasm

Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following do NOT count as initiating sex:

(Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna.

(Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess.

(Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today.

(Lying in bed, arms crossed). So…I guess we’re due, eh?

(Sorry, that’s the Canadian coming out in me in the last one).

If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna?” The first step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it, too!

2. DON’T Overthink It

Why don’t we initiate sex? Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads we talk ourselves out of it.

Do I want to tonight? Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late, and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now. I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I? Wouldn’t that be deceptive? And what if the kids wake up? And what if….

Turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it! You’ll be happier later–and you’ll likely sleep better, too!

3. DON’T Be Embarrassed

“Good girls don’t like sex.”

Did you grow up thinking that? If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex, and girls just acquiesced, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the apple cart.

But good girls DO want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside marriage sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you!

Think about it this way: This is the only man on earth who can touch you like that. He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed around him.

I know that can be a hard transition to make. But practice little things, like saying to him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel great!” Practice talking about it afterwards, and it makes it easier to talk about it beforehand!

4. DON’T Beat Around the Bush

If you’re embarrassed about saying, “do you want to make love tonight?”, then you may not give clear signals.

My husband was leaving for a business trip for a week recently, and he was spending the morning before he was picked up sorting papers and paying bills and getting some tasks done around the house. I kept getting up from my computer whenever he got up from his and walking over and seeing if I could get him interested in something, but I never let him know what I was doing.

I thought he was just busy and wasn’t interested. But after following him around like a puppy dog for an hour, he finally turned to me and said, “are you okay?”, and I said, “I just thought we could go upstairs for some fun before you left.” He jumped on board immediately. I had thought he was busy and was rejecting me, but he just really didn’t know what I was getting at.

Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Subtlety, then, isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. It’s easier on everyone!

5. DO Use Your Hands

Don’t like talking about sex? You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander.

Or lead him to the bedroom–but not with HIS hand. You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do it!

6. DO Be Creative

Initiating sex can start earlier in the day. You can text him at work (“You’re in for it tonight!”). You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear (not your functional underwear), and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all day today….” You can put a note in his lunchbox, like a Skor bar, and say, “Wanna Skor tonight?”

If a thought occurs to you, do it! Chances are it’s a good thought, and most guys won’t laugh at you. They’ll definitely go with it!

7. DO Laugh

It’s okay to smile, and chuckle, and be giggly. It’s okay to act like teenagers. It doesn’t have to be super serious. You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to help Little Ole Me?” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay. And the more laughter, the more fun all around.

8. DO Be Eye Candy (It’s Okay!)

Instead of wearing your flannel pyjamas, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Try putting on a teddy!

Or go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s downstairs. Then walk away, and see if he follows.

9. DO Follow Through

If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the door, then do follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then stopping with no warning. Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right conditions.

Don’t watch a chick flick if it’s likely to make you so tired that at the end of it you want to collapse into bed. It may seem romantic, but if it will push bedtime back too far, then make love FIRST, before the movie. Don’t get on the computer thinking, “after I’m done this we’ll head upstairs.” If sex is your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather than giving other things–the news, the computer, the movies–a chance to distract you and make you change your mind.

10. DO Be Active

Once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor–at least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. When you’re active, it shows him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want this to happen–by making it happen!

Remember our Top 10 Tuesday strategy: Pick 1-3 things and then DO THEM. You don’t need to do all 10. Just find the 1-3 tips on how to initiate sex that resonate the most with you. Small changes now can add up to big changes in the long run. Now go and have a great time with your man!

Initiating Sex--Say Yes!

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Comments

  1. Sheila,

    I just want to thank you for your blog, and your books. You have helped me see sex and intimacy in a COMPLETELY different light. While my husband and I (mostly me) struggle with a consistent sex life, at least I’m thinking and reading and sharing my thoughts with my husband and attempting to get over my insecurities to let sex just happen. I feel like sex will take FOREVER and impede on other things. I’m working in making sex and my husband the priority.

    I’m a woman who struggles with pain from previous partners. I was that girl who just placated, and gave myself when I wasn’t ready.

    I’m also a woman who struggles with previous porn use. Not “porn” in the traditional sense, but cyber intimacy, chat room addiction as a teen, and researching and “play-acting” the freaky stuff online, along with reading and WRITING erotica. Pretty hardcore erotica at that. I have a great gift for writing, and I’m pretty good at romances.

    Since I got married I have struggled with these past unfortunate mistakes. I see sex as this freaky over-acted, over-processed thing. I don’t read romances anymore, as they set unreal expectations in my mind, just like porn. I also don’t write it anymore, and I struggle with thoughts popping up in the bedroom. I have it in my mind that he wants, or will want, the freaky stuff I know about (he does too – he’s read my erotica) but I’m actually a pretty shy “vanilla” girl. I don’t DO that stuff.

    It makes it terribly hard to initiate anything. But I’ll try. #2, 3 and 4 are the ones I’m going to focus on and see what comes of it.

    • So glad I can help you, Davita! And I’m sorry about your past. I know that this grieves you. But remember that Jesus did paid for it, and He doesn’t want you to carry it around anymore. He died to set you free! I know it’s really, really hard to get those images and expectations out of your head, but I do believe that He wants to help you with that. You’re not alone.

  2. Your examples in #1 made me laugh. I think all of us ladies have been there at one time or another with our pseudo-enthusiasm. Thanks for being real & helping me to aspire to something more =)

  3. Oh boy. Here. We. Go. Again. Bear with me. To all of you ladies whose husbands want sex all the time, consider yourselves blessed! How wonderful it must be to be so attractive and desirable that he wants you all the time. I have been struggling with the opposite for quite a while and I think I have found the source of many of my issues. Christian marriage blogs. (NOT Sheila’s – Sheila’s is one of the best, most honest, and most realistic.) But I read a LOT, and my high expectations and my glaring failures are a result of all of that reading.
    I will NOT initiate any more. I have a wonderful husband in almost every way. He is a very hard worker. He goes to work at 5 am, works 10 or more hours in construction, and falls asleep around 7:30 pm – especially in the winter months. That is a lot of the reason why we only have sex once in a while. I also have a tween and a teen who do not go to bed before 9:30 and a very small house. So logistically it is hard as well.
    We have sex once, MAYBE twice a week. According to so many blogs out there, all the other husbands want their wives daily or more. That is a hard and bitter pill for me to swallow. My husband is not into porn, when we do have sex it is awesome. So the only other answer must be that I am not attractive enough for him to want me every day. Ouch.
    Another failure these other blogs point out is that I only have two children. From what I’ve been reading, good Christians will have as many children as they can conceive. Due to two complicated deliveries, we were advised by doctors that more pregnancies could be dangerous. We decided to heed the doctors warnings and be happy and blessed by our little family. But now I am reading that if I don’t just go for it anyway, I’m not trusting God. Ouch! I try to grow as a Christian and grow in trust, but again – another hard and bitter blog pill to swallow.
    Also, I am not hideous, my husband seems to like me. I’m tall, average build (size 8/10), blonde, blue eyes – average looking mom. But I can not compare to these blogs where these “good, Christian moms” take countless pictures of themselves looking flawless and being super moms. So not being obsessed with my appearance is apparently another one of my failures. Although – thanks to Sheila, I did start “fighting the frump” and my husband is quite appreciative. So thank you!
    I don’t mean to sound like Debbie Downer, but sometimes in reading the comments of other readers, it helps me to realize we are all flawed and in great need of our Savior. Thankful for Jesus and for all of you. But all of that to say – ladies with husbands who want you – QUIT COMPLAINING and start realizing how blessed you are! There are some of us who would love to be as attractive and desirable to our husbands as you are to yours!

    • Becca,
      Wow, you could have been telling my story! My hubby is a log truck driver and is up at 2am and in bed by 7pm during the week. This is a second marriage for both us and my teen son (almost 19) still lives with us. So needless to say, due to hubby being exhausted during the week and having a teen boy in the house, it comes down to sex being once, sometimes twice on the weekends only.
      And even on a week day where he is home early and we have an empty house he rarely has any interest in making love, he always seems to have an excuse or ignores my initiation until it’s too late and he has to go to bed.
      I’ve cried myself to sleep plenty of times because of wanting him to desire sex with me more and it makes it very difficult to understand when most blogs about men needing and wanting sex so often. My hubby really seems content with only once a week and it does start to make me wonder if it’s something about me.
      So, all that to say, you are not alone. I think there are perhaps more women out there like us that do desire more sex with their husbands, but often get turned down. Unfortunately, society typically views the woman as the denier and as having little sexual desire.
      And I’m with you…I just want to scream when I read comments from women who are upset at how much their husbands desire them sexually…be grateful and enjoy sex with your husband!
      Amy recently posted…A guest postMy Profile

      • That would actually be a good post, wouldn’t it? “Why you should be happy your husband wants sex so much!” Maybe I’ll think about writing that one soon…

      • zJessica says:

        I just want to say this to amy, maybe his job has wired his brain to want sex with images instead of a person. It isnt you, its him. Keep your head up :/ *hugs*

      • Could you be confusing sex with wanting quality/ emotional time with your husband? Maybe because he is so busy and tired, sex time is the only time that he gives you one on one intense quality time?

        When I first married my husband, I wanted sex every day. It scared him a bit because he had been a bachelor and without sex for so long. After a couple of years, my sex drive normalized, where now I want it once a week, but will have more for his sake. The other day I realized that I had been conditioned to associate sex with quality emotional time with a man. Because of previous abusive relationships, the only time I received attention or positive input was while having sex, I thought the only way to get love was being physical.

        Thanks to God, my husband is a wonderful man who loves me and spends time with me listening, doing things for me and fills my emotional bank without necessarily being physical. We do have a fulfilling sexual life.

        I also believe that the amount of sex varies according to the couples lifestyle. It’s unreal to want to compare your sex life to other bloggers or people. Ask you husband what he thinks. If he wants more. Tell him what you are feeling. Really you are the only 2 people who should be concerned and involved in it, anyway. :)
        tereza crump aka mytreasuredcreations recently posted…Learning Log of June 2014My Profile

    • Becca, I hate to hear that you think you are not attractive or desirable to your husband just because it happens “only” once or twice a week. I think that is a very normal rate! In fact, I think you’ve got it better than lots of folks. I can say that my marriage is not that active (though we do have our issues…). Besides, everybody is different and comparison is the WORST trap we allow ourselves to fall into. I can tell that that is a huge stronghold for you based on your comment. Focus on God and be thankful for what you DO have. Don’t concern yourself with others and what you feel pressured to have/do. I’m with you…I can only stomach a few very down-to-earth Christian woman/marriage blogs.

    • I would love it if my husband and I had sex more than one or twice a month. It drives me nuts, and hurts me too, reading about all these ladies who complain about having it to much. Makes me want to tell them to shut up and enjoy it.

      My husband is a truck driver and works in another state than we live in. We live in southern NH and he works just north of Boston, MA. He has no set time to go into work and works until the job is done. Sometimes he begins at 5am, sometimes at 9am. When works ends,sometimes it is at 3pm, sometimes it is 9pm. So, he is always tired when he gets home. He falls asleep the moment he sits down it seems.

      We only have sex on the weekends when we do, and it is always initiated by me. For once I would like for him to initiate sex. Send me the cute little love notes and texts. The one time I sent him a texts saying just “Love you more”, he called me thinking something was wrong. Not exactly how I thought it would turn out.

    • If you and your husband are both happy to have sex once or twice a week, then I think that’s just fine! There’s not a mandate in the Bible about how much sex to have.

      I’m overweight, and have had drastic weight fluctuations throughout our relationship. Right now, I haven’t lost much of the baby weight from our third baby, and feel self conscious about my body. I definitely don’t look like a model or one of the adorable bloggers you mentioned.

      My husband and I finally had a real talk about it one night, and he said, “I have enjoyed your body for so many years at so many different weights. I just want to touch you and be with you.” I honestly think this is probably how most good-hearted men feel about their wives. Realistically, would he love it if I lost some weight? Of course. But, this is where I am right now. He had never said those words to me, and it was really freeing to just see that little bit of his heart. I bet your husband feels the same way about you. There is NOT an explanation needed for having great sex once or twice a week, and even if there were an explanation, I really, truly don’t believe that it would be that he isn’t attracted to you. Try to get that thought out of your head.
      Megan G. recently posted…Honeyed Chicken & PineappleMy Profile

      • From the way I read her comment, I think Becca wants more sex and her feelings of being undesirable come from her husband not wanting sex very often. And this is where I’m at also in my marriage. I appreciate how hard my hubby works and I know without a doubt he loves me, but when he turns me down every time I initiate it is hard not to feel undesirable or wonder what is wrong with me, even if that isn’t what is going on. And because we all hear how men need and want sex so often I think it makes it even harder when the wife is turned down or has a husband who just doesn’t seem interested very often.
        Amy recently posted…A guest postMy Profile

    • I feel for you, but many women would consider once or twice a week an amazing improvement. (Yes, you read that right!) And considering all the hard work he does, I would take that often as a sign that he DOES find you incredibly attractive. Also, you don’t mention his age, but that can play a role as well. 20-year-olds can often (though not always!) go any time the wind blows. As men age, sometimes the mind is willing but the body just isn’t able at that moment – and I don’t mean just men in old folks’ homes or in need of little blue pills. (Maturity can factor in as well. Maybe your husband could work 10 hour days and still have fun every night when he was 20 but now he knows a good night’s sleep is important if the next day at work is going to be particularly rough.)

      It is so easy for us women to see a perceived slight (tired hubby only wants sex once or twice a week) and immediately assume that either he is doing something wrong (another woman, porn) or that we are (not attractive enough, etc.) And the truth is, the more we worry about whether we’re attractive enough, the less fun we are in bed. As my husband says, “there’s a seat for every saddle” – kinda romantic, I know ;-) – but think about the wide range of couples you come across in a day, the wide range of women (body types, sizes, personalities, breast sizes, everything). It is absolutely NOT true that one or another “type” of women as a group is not getting sex because they’re not ___ enough. Someone you might not think of as attractive is likely getting loads of sex because her husband loves HER, not a specific body type, AND because she enjoys sex with him. It is WAY more about our attitude than our appearance. (Has your husband ever gone crazy over you when you were dirty from going on a run or working in the yard? See what I mean!?)

      Sorry, Sheila – not trying to hijack. This just struck a nerve. Apparently.
      Kendra Burrows recently posted…The Long Awakening – A Book ReviewMy Profile

    • Becca- oh my goodness, what I wouldnt give to do it once or twice a week! We’re talking once a month over here if i’m lucky.

  4. I actually sent my husband a message the other day, telling him I shaved a little more than my legs ;-). His response; rawr ;-)).

    But great points, as usual.

  5. Great Ideas – any husband would love it is his wife did any or all of these ideas!!
    Jed recently posted…Make Out Monday – America, Bread, & The EaglesMy Profile

  6. Great tips Sheila! I definitely feel like this is out of my comfort zone. So reading up on this really helps.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Have a blessed day!
    Melanie @ Carmel Moments recently posted…Keep My Eyes Above the WavesMy Profile

  7. Becca, I would love to share a few things that have helped me. I see from reading what you said your husband DOES find you attractive, to work those long hours in a physically demanding job and still be able to have great sex twice a week is an amazing feat. We are farmers, and my husband also works off farm weed spraying, again long hours and physically demanding. Sometimes I milk cows for some neighbours, early mornings and late nights. Sex can be hard to fit in. But he is blessed that I desire him, and some days that has to be enough.

    Many years ago I would listen every day to Focus on the family, I had to stop because it became like porn to me. Meaning that I would get upset because my husband didn’t live up to the expectations I heard about every day. But when I stepped back from that and took a realistic look at our marriage I could see that he might not put love letters in jars for me, or buy flowers, or go out to dinner. But that is not him, he shows his love in different ways.

    Some things that you may find helpful, well things that work for us anyway. Go to him in the shower and wash his back. When he goes to bed exhausted, give him a massage. When you are just sitting on the couch watching telly massage his hands or arms, do these with no expectations of anything more. Sleep naked and let him know that you don’t mind being woken up in the middle of the night or early morning. We have always showered or bathed together, so our now late teenage/adult children just expect it, I often sit on his knee while watching a movie or just sitting around talking with the family, We usually give each other a touch or rub as we walk past one another, sometimes it might only be on the arm sometimes it might be somewhere more personal.

    Don’t get down, give thanks for the good man you have. And don’t waste your time on marriage blogs etc that are telling you that you are doing it wrong. They are wrong for you.

    • these are great tips. Finding out what your husband’s love language is can be very helpful. My husband loves to be touched. So massages, back rubs help him relax, de-stress and sometimes get him ready for sex. Communication is essential between husband and wife. It’s very hard, if not impossible, to have a good sex life without talking and expressing your feelings and needs. If you and husband can’t talk/ communicate, that is the first issue you need to work on.
      tereza crump aka mytreasuredcreations recently posted…Learning Log of June 2014My Profile

  8. I have read article after article about him wanting it and the women not wanting it. What if the woman wants it but he doesn’t? What are we to do? I personally have tried everything from lingerie, to making his favorite meal, to going to bed in my birthday suit, to flat out asking and still get told “no”. It is now going on a year and a half. We are suppose to be in our prime time sexually but all I’m getting is pushed away. Advice and suggestions are very much wanted and welcomed.

    • Sharon, I totally hear you, and in about 30-35% of marriages now that’s the way it is. I have a whole series for women in that situation that starts here. I hope that helps!

  9. Another thought on something that Becca mentioned, I’m sorry it’s a bit offtopic. I think it is very responsible to “only” have two children. Imagine if everyone had as many as possible in a world which is already struggeling with overpopulation and where so many people have children but are not willing to look after them properly.

  10. TheStruggle says:

    There is so much pressure on wives for sex. Reading all these blogs and posts are stressful in themselves. Every now and again I would like to see a blog tellinghusbands to be intimate outside of sex, or be understanding when your wife is having libido issues, or even educate yourselves on the causes and possible treatments of a low libido. Instead, all I see is “suck it up and have sex”. And not only have sex, but pretend to be enthused about it. Having sex when you simply dont want to can be painful and damaging,and doing it anyway (as alot of us do) is a huge sacrafice, that i dont mind making occasionally. But where are the blogs telling my husband to make equally large sacrafices for me?? Please point me in that direction. I feel no “connection” during sex, because its just sex. I feel the whole “men feel loved through sex” is a lie, its just a tactic to make wives feel bad about something they have no control over. There are sooooooo many other ways i show my husband unconditional love throughout the day, but the only one that matters is sex??? Give me a break!

    • Oh, I really do hear you! And there are sites with male readerships that do help men see the women’s perspective {folks, jump in with good ones; I don’t regularly read them because I’m not a man, but I’ve seen some good ones}, but this blog does cater mostly to women. And there’s not much we can ever do except work on ourselves.

      That said, I don’t think Sheila (or any other sites I’ve seen) are advocating the “suck it up” approach or suggesting gals “pretend to be enthused.” I think the idea is: get enthused and then you don’t have to pretend or suck it up!

      I KNOW – that’s easier said than done. I used to have a quite low libido (for a variety of reasons) and even once said, “What’s so good about sex anyhow?! Who says it’s all that? Maybe I’m the normal one and everybody else is off base!” At the time I was quite serious but now that I’ve found my quite healthy libido, I realize the error of my thinking. This is a biological urge that God put in each of us {or “evolution” if you roll that way}. It is necessary for the survival of the species and it is meant to be fun for both parties. If it’s not, that’s likely the first place to focus.

      Of course, the husband may have to adjust his expectations a bit, too. But if his approach is “I want some” (even if it’s a lot) and hers is “I don’t want any” (like mine attitude used to be), then the only place to change at first is hers. Besides, often he wants it “all the time” (or seems to, to someone who never wants it), because he’s never getting it. Once he gets some, that might settle down. Plus, that’s the only place to start for helping him to expect it less, when he’s getting some (good) sex in the first place. We can’t expect starving men to not want ANY food.

      I don’t mean this is necessarily you. Honestly, I’m “tangent girl” tonight and went off on my past issues. But it seems they might be informative for someone reading. Blessings to you, my dear. Seriously. I know that’s such a hard spot to be in. I was there for many, many years (and it ultimately ruined my first marriage). I feel nothing but sadness when I think of how alone my previous husband must have felt, and I didn’t understand until it was years too late.
      Kendra Burrows recently posted…The Long Awakening – A Book ReviewMy Profile

    • wifemomsupahero says:

      I have (slowly but surely) learned that most of the time my feelings follow my actions. Fake til you make it ;)

    • Here is a site that might helpful if your husband is a Christian and wants to love you as Christ loves the church – https://www.youtube.com/user/savemartg
      tereza crump aka mytreasuredcreations recently posted…Learning Log of June 2014My Profile

  11. I did the nice nightie deal and my husband decided to play “she’s rocking the beer gut” can you write article for husbands. What not to dowben your wife initiates

  12. Hello again everyone,
    Thanks for your replies and your encouragement. To those of you who feel like me, I’m sorry, I know how painful it can be.
    To the other wives who don’t seem to like sex, or have low libido, I may not know how you feel – or even understand it – but I am so sorry. How strange that sex can be the root of so many different problems. Thank you Sheila, for giving us a forum to discuss it. I do believe men feel loved through sex (most men anyway), because I know I do – and I think that’s why I get so upset when my husband doesn’t seem to want it. In fact, when he says he loves me or tells me how beautiful I am – I get so upset because I think he’s just blowing hot air – then he gets upset that I don’t believe him! But seriously, if he felt that way, why wouldn’t he desire sex more often than once or twice a week? So many articles you read say that men think of sex constantly – so if I am ready and willing – and he doesn’t want to take advantage of the opportunity – then what other conclusion can I draw? He’s not attracted to me enough to want to be with me more often – so telling me I’m beautiful is just mean! I have asked him what I should do – get breast implants – get veneers – dye my hair – lose weight – what?! And he won’t answer! He says he loves me just the way I am – but obviously not. Actions speak louder than words, right? THAT is why I won’t initiate. Most times he will respond if I initiate, but that is pity sex, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. All I want is to feel desirable – to my husband – not to anybody else. Am I nuts? Because sometimes I feel so frustrated!

    Thank you for listening. It helps just to be able to express my feelings.

    • Oh sweetie, I hear you!! SO much, I hear you. I’m big on small steps and experiments. What if – for ONE WEEK – every time your husband says you’re beautiful, smile big, say “thank you”, and resist the urge to downplay it in your head or out loud. Whether you deep-down think he means it or not, ACT like he does. {The smile first is crucial, not just because it communicates to your husband, but more important, because it tells your brain that you mean it. Seriously.}

      Just that, one week, every time.You’ve inspired me to try my own version of the experiment this week. Thanks!!
      Kendra Burrows recently posted…The Long Awakening – A Book ReviewMy Profile

      • I’ll try. I really will. It’s so hard when I don’t believe it, but I’ll give it a try. Thanks Kendra!

    • Becca, It seems to me that the two of you are expressing love to one another in the way that you want to receive love. If you’ve not read The Five Love Language I would highly recommend it. Just from what you’ve written it seems like physical touch is your love language and when you try and express love to him in the way you need to receive and he rejects you then you start doubting yourself and feeling rejected. However, the same goes for him. He is expressing love to you in the way he wants to receive it which is words of affirmation and when you reject his loving words and accuse him of lying or even in your heart think he is because he is rejecting you physically you are doing the same thing to him. Think about how hurt you feel when he rejects your physical advances. Now think about how hurt he must feel when you reject his words of love. You seem to be shooting right over each other. My advice would be to give him love in the way he is showing you he needs it. Shower him with words of love and affirmations of your affection and see what it does to him. It will awaken him and then there might be an opening for you to tenderly talk to him about how he can make you feel loved and cherished. And absolutely do what was suggested above. When he gives you words of love then just accept them. Don’t let Satan tell you they are anything different then what they are, which are affirmations of his love. Just a thought!

      • Hmmmm… interesting. My husband’s family is not a very affectionate bunch. They aren’t touchy feely people. My family wasn’t really either, but we did hug a lot more. Yet my family was not big on words of affirmation. In fact, they were more likely to put one another down. I was so cute and athletic as a teenager (I’ve seen pictures!) – but I didn’t think so. My older sister told me almost every day how fat and ugly I was. I believed her! I think in some ways, I still do. I told my husband not that long ago, that when people compliment you they are usually lying (to butter you up for whatever reason), but when they say something negative they are telling the truth – because who would be mean enough to say mean things unless they were true. The truth hurts, right? Wow – do I have issues or what? It sure sounds kind of stupid when I reread it.
        And I have noticed through the years that my husband – who is a VERY hard worker – is happiest at a job where his boss recognizes his hard work and takes the time to say so. I think you may be onto something here, Melissa. He does seem pretty happy when I speak words of affirmation to him, and even more when I speak positively of myself (which isn’t often). Maybe I have a lot of praying and heart examining to do. For some reason, I do not like to be complimented – it makes me downright uncomfortable, even angry at times, and I almost never believe it. I wish I could get past that, but I’m not really sure how.
        Thanks for commenting – you have given me a lot to think and pray about.

    • Becca, you are not alone. :-/

    • Becca, it’s not about you. Your guy could be married to Miss America or a Victoria’s Secret model & respond the same way. Apparently, his lack of desire is rooted in how HE’S put together, physically or emotionally, not how he feels about you.

      There are many physical and emotional issues that can decrease a man’s libido. Even just nt being able to keep up with you sexually must leave him feeling ashamed, as limp as a crushed cabbage leaf. If he has to have intercourse to prove he loves you & considers you beautiful, and he cannot, then your protests are telling him you consider him oess than manly.

      Unless he’s into porn or masturbating (this can be a control issue if he’s feeling belittled) then his low libido may be the result of 10 extra pounds (men lose an inch for every 10 pounds of extra weight, which leaves them less able), high or low blood sugar, fatigue, anemia, poor diet, thyroid disease, low testosterone, sex headaches, certain medications, Celiac disease, poor circulation… the list is endless.

      I know if you’re desperate for more physical intimacy, none of this is going to satisfy your needs, but perhaps it might give you perspective. Whatever you do, don’t nag him about any of the above mentioned possibilities. If you show concern for his health, don’t make it about sex. He needs to feel loved by you, not just a meeter of needs.

      I can’t tell you how to “fix him.” For better or worse includes sex, I’m afraid. Believing that everyone else is having sex every day doesn’t help. Supposedly, the “average” is twice a week. That means some get more and some get less. Perhaps he would be willing to satisfy you ways that do not include intercourse, if you ask nicely. Once onvolved, he made fht get interested. But I can tell you, the most mind blowing orgasm is more likely to happen when he is focused on you alone, and ypu might be glad you had the chance to find out. Seeing you in ecstasy will be a blessing to a truly loving husband. I pray God blesses you both.

  13. Question: what about when the husband is the overthinker? It’s difficult for him to initiate without overthinking it. And he’s an external processor, so he doesn’t overthink in his head, he overthinks out loud. And it doesn’t exactly get me in the mood. I’ve told him many times that if he wants to do it, then do it! Chances are better than not that I will respond really well if he just straight-up initiates! And then sometimes when I initiate he also overthinks, which totally kills MY mood. This is the way his brain works, he’s a thinker and a researcher by nature, but it’s not helpin’ life in the bedroom, ya know what I mean?

  14. Great post. I find often it just slips my mind to make an effort. These posts are super, full of real life and do-able ideas. Thank you x
    Jennifer recently posted…No Greater Joy-A TestimonyMy Profile

  15. Sheila, thank you so much for this blog! I just found it a few days ago, but already I am hooked. I have just recently come to think about sex with my husband differently – I never understood why he wanted it so much all the time before! Your blog is one of the tools that has really helped me understand him better, and it’s helping our love life a lot (especially the 29 Days to Great Sex)! And I love that it is Bible-based. I would have died of embarrassment looking at books on this topic in a bookstore, so I thank the Lord for the internet! I am thinking of ordering some of your books from Amazon, too. I so wish my mother would have explained a lot of things to me before I got married, but she and my dad never talked to us about relationships at all. Now I am so looking forward to sharing a lot of important information with my daughter as she grows up (she’s only 5 now) so she can have an easier, healthier start to her marriage when that time comes!

  16. One evening my wife was trying to initiate sex. She was in bed before I was. She was naked with the sheets up to her neck. I had no idea what she was doing. I crawled into bed gave a kiss goodnight the started to fall asleep. She got upset at me for not pouncing.

  17. I and my husband avoided premarital sex and I thought in marriage we will be like other normal couples. We ve sex less than once a month (like 10 or even less times a year)and he looks for all reasons to run away from sex. He complains of tiredness from sex!!! He looks for fights during weekends. He was a virgin before marriage. I have tried talking things, that we can even just cuddle ones our child is asleep, but he will sleep earlier than the child if he is at home early. I have complained and nagged too and all he says is that I should go get satisfaction somewhere else. I am even thinking of an affair, starting an emotional one first. I wish we had no kid, I did ve think of divorce more. Just wish I had a normal marriage

  18. Just wanted to say thanks for the article.

  19. I am 30. in the beginning of my relationship, i wanted sex all the time, few times a day all over the place. Now married, there was a period of time where he didnt want sex and i was depressed and upset about being in a sexless marriage. but now tables have turned, he wants sex ALL the time. and i have NO drive! its gone! Im either tired or not in the mood, i honestly could go with out. When we have it, im just ready to get it over with. One of the things is, for some reason, i focus more on the “pain” of having sex rather than the pleasure. Im just very upset that my libido has completely vanished–and there’s all these things to stimulate pleasure but heck i just want a magic pill for that! its to much work to put a mid aged woman in the mood compared to a younger woman! Im getting quite concerned considering, this has been very recent feeling for me and i use to be vamped for sex. (and this is probably the #1 reason why men do have affairs) because their wives have zero libido :(

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