Wifey Wednesday: The ONE Thing You Can Do To Improve Your Marriage

Most Important Thing to Do to Improve Your Marriage

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time to talk to marriage! I’ll introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below. Today we’re going to tackle the ONE Thing you can do to improve your marriage.

I received an email from an exhausted reader last week saying that she didn’t need five tips or seven tips or three tips to help. She just needed ONE–one thing she could do that would make things better. Sex is boring, life is hard, and she’s running out of steam. How does she make it better? Obviously there are crucial things like pray more, or learn to be more giving, which I talk about a lot, but she wanted something supremely practical and out of the box.

And so here it is–the ONE Thing–the EASIEST Thing–You can do to Improve Your Marriage

Are you ready?

Stop Over-Analyzing.

That’s it.

Here’s why. Picture this scenario:

You’re tired, and you’re pulling yourself upstairs after a long day. You know that it’s been a couple of days since you last made love, but you’re not sure if you want to. So this is what goes through your head:

You’d be asleep sooner if you stopped the inner monologue and just jumped him!

Or here’s another one: The teens are downstairs playing video games and it’s 7:30. The dishes are still on the counter. You hear your husband get up from the table where he is working and start walking towards the kitchen where you are. You have this fleeting thought–heading upstairs for a quickie would be fun! But then the other thoughts start:

The dishes aren’t done yet. The kids might come upstairs and hear. I have so much to get done before tomorrow! He’ll think I’m crazy. He’ll start expecting this all the time. I’m not even sure I want to. He’s kind of been ignoring me a bit all evening…

And so you give him a fleeting smile when he walks in the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and you start running the water for the dishes.

Imagine if that scenario had played out differently.

He walks into the kitchen, you get a sly grin on your face, you touch him somewhere private, and say, “let’s head upstairs”. Giggling you both hurry upstairs where you have some very quick fun. You come back downstairs a few minutes later, hair all messed up, and start the dishes. Chances are he helps. Or he stays in the kitchen and starts talking to you. The rest of the evening is rather stress free, and you’re smiling a lot.

But this doesn’t just apply to sex! Here’s another scenario:

Your husband says on a Saturday morning:

Let’s just get in the car and drive somewhere! We’ll take the kids for a hike and go out for lunch! It’ll be so much fun.

But you think,

“we have hockey practice at 3, and the house is a mess. I need to get the kids to do their chores. I haven’t even prepared my Sunday School lesson for tomorrow yet. I was planning on taking today to just decompress so that I’d have energy for tomorrow.”

So you tell him it just won’t work. He sighs and goes back to whatever he was doing.

In fifteen years, do you think the kids would remember the day they ditched responsibilities and went for a winter hike? You betcha. Do you think they’ll remember a Saturday when they stayed at home and did chores before hockey practice? Nope.

Obviously we can’t take off all the time, and chores are important, but I think too often we women are thinking about a million things in our minds–all the things that need to get done, that are on our plate–that we forget to make memories and just plain laugh.

And laughter often happens when we’re spontaneous.

Listen, ladies: we’re born analyzers. We analyze everything from the time we’re small children. When you went out on your first date you analyzed that, going over every move, trying to figure out if he really liked you. We think and think and think.

Sometimes you need to turn it off. You don’t have to have everything planned. You don’t have to get everything done. You don’t have to have a reason for everything. Sometimes you have to just DO–just live in the moment and have fun.

If we do that more often, I think we’d have much stronger marriages.

31 Days to Great SexBut if it’s been so long, and you don’t know how to get out of the rut, that’s what 31 Days to Great Sex is for! It gives you something to talk about each day so that you can flirt more, explore more, and have more fun–without all the analyzing and doubt. Check it out today!

Christian Marriage Advice

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Just link up the URL of a marriage post you’ve written in the Linky below!

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.


  1. This really works ! My husband works long hours, and some nights he will get home at 10 if not later, ill be in pajamas and ready to go to bed, and he will just say, let’s go do something, and obviously I’m not in the mood, I’m tired and want to go to bed. But I still agree, and we have a fun night, and the next day ill be sooo tired, but it was worth it ! Also on his off days I do not clean the house for that day, we just do whatever he wants, and ill clean the next day.

    • That is such a good idea! To celebrate when he is home! I do that with my husband too. Since :I am the early riser for work and he stays up late, that can really effect our intimacy, but I have been working to stay up a bit later to be intimate with him, and we REALLY enjoy our days off together :)
      Sarah recently posted…Night In Recipe- Spinach Artichoke ChickenMy Profile

  2. Oh, my! The video is priceless! To say I’ve been there is an understatement… 😉 I’ve learned my lesson, though! Things are so much happier when you take the time to meet each other’s needs!
    Lisa recently posted…How Seasons of Life Affect Your GOALSMy Profile

  3. All of these tips are great advice! My contribution would be to stop assuming the other knows what you mean and to explain yourself as clearly as possible. My fiance and I have been in too many fights where we realize we completely misunderstood each other and could have saved some time and heartache.
    Kelsey recently posted…How to trick yourself into being productiveMy Profile

  4. Thank you so much for this post! I am so guilty of this- and not just from the sex standpoint- I am a perfectionist and planner and I needed this reminder to be flexible and spontaneous and have fun! The times I do are definitely more memorable. (And I loved the video- SO funny:) )

  5. Stephanie P says:

    Video is hilarious!!! OMG….That sounded so much like my inner monologue just last night! And then when I heard him snoring I got mad at HIM for falling asleep and not initiating anything!!! How does that even make sense to me, because when I think about it now, I think, how silly!
    I hope it’s ok if I ask, but my husband is generally high drive, and I am low drive….But I feel lately that it’s changed and have started to feel that he is uninterested in me….I’ve asked him and he just tells me he’s super stressed and/or tired…and I know he is because of some things that have happened at his job….but it just seems wierd to me because in the past all i would need to do is walk by in my cute underwear and he would be ready to go….now he barely even says anything… Any advice? I am praying and I am communicating with him….He takes testosterone and has his levels checked regularly, so that’s not the issue….I guess it could truly be stress…does stress effect drive? i’ve also noticed a change in just how he relates to our family unit as a whole…It’s been going on for about 2 weeks now…..he’ll just come home and play a game on his phone…won’t carry on conversations with us or play with the kids….And this is very unusual for him…very out of character…I’ve asked him about it….says he’s stressed and/or tired…I’m concerned…and I don’t know how to help him.
    Thanks :)

    • Yes, stress affects drive. Just like it does for you, if you think about it. Just like you need him to cut you some slack sometimes, he needs you to be his partner in getting through this season. Keep the door open for connecting in every way, not just talking or sex.

      Brown Bannister wrote a song that had a refrain saying, “love makes a way to come home again”. That idea helps me when we go through tough times. It also helps to think of every day like a patch in a quilt that is sewn together to make the covering for your marriage bed. It’s just one patch. It might look ugly or dreary by itself, but sewn together by an artist, it’s beautiful.

      So, in answer to your question on how to help him, you are praying and communicating. Now relax and let God work in His time while you accept this season in your life. Do you have any older, godly women in your life as mentor? They can give a larger perspective sometimes.
      Nickolina recently posted…SpaceMy Profile

  6. Thank you so much for the reminders!

  7. That”s why I’m an advocate of scheduling sex at least once a week. Pick any day the two of you can agree on and an approximate time span. Saturday between 7 and 11PM; or Friday no later than 10PM; or Sunday afternoon between 2 and 5. Pick any day and time. and on the appointed day you can be more specific about the time. As the time draws near you can clear your schedule and your head while engaging in mental and light physical foreplay. When you reach the appointed time, you can be mentally prepared which is a lot of the game for women. As to all the noise about no spontaneity. how many times, younger or older did you ever have sex that you hadn’t anticipated it in advance. Sometimes days or hours. There is actually extremely little jump-your-bones sex that ever happens. I mean, let’s be realistic here, men and women. You men are disqualified to participate in this test other than to start it. He says, “Go!”, and you naturally lubricate and dilate how fast? So much for the spontaneous myth. Don’t let lack of spontaneity discourage you from trying scheduling. All you are really doing is choosing anticipating with the certain expectation of a desired outcome. We are looking forward to the sex we are going to have today. Simple as that. Not coulda, woulda, shoulda. By the way, you are still allowed to have “spontaneous” sex the rest of the week,..when the dishes are done, the kids aren’t around, you’re not too tired, you aren’t doing the wash, or cleaning, or watching the game, or feeling tired an uninterested, or…..just not feeling “spontaneous.”
    Dan recently posted…Scheduled Sex and Kodak® MomentsMy Profile

  8. The video was hilarious and truthful. I have over analyze things many times. Talk myself out of doing things that would have been fun. Then complained about not being able to go out and enjoy myself and being with my husband. Even made my self tired just thinking about all the things I have to do. What a waste of my time. Because the truth is theirs always going to be something that needs to be done. So I might as well start enjoying this life God has given me to share with my husband and children . Thanks for the wake up call.

  9. Thanks, very simple and practical answer to a question at the top of every women’s mind.
    Angela recently posted…Looking From AfarMy Profile

  10. I like this idea…good and very inspiring. But sex takes so long. We need at least 1 to 1 and a half hours. So it gets frustrating. Due to birth control methods getting in the way..I wish we could do “quickies”–I would only need minutes. My hubby takes at least half hour. :(

  11. This is ssoo true!!!! I spend so much time over analyzing things and it is such a waste of time and energy. Thanks for another great post!

  12. This video made me laugh out loud! So true to life! Yes, don’t overanalyze, just have fun with your Knight in shining armor. Such a fun way to put it!

  13. This is great! Really great! And I am guilty of analyzing that long to do list and letting it stress me out when it doesn’t get done… Thank you!

  14. Oh goodness Sheila, I have that same conversation in my head all the time!!! Or what’s even funnier is that my husband and I will both be debating it out loud for 30 minutes… “I’m really tired but I kinda wanna make love… yah, same here but I have a meeting in the morning… yah, we should just go to sleep… we are no good at quikies… that’s too bad, quickies would be so convenient sometimes… indeed. Remember that time when….?” And on and on we go until we’ve both worked up enough that now we just have to or go out of our skin! And now we wasted all that time and are for sure exausted in the a.m.
    So…. great tip!

    • Ha! I’m picturing that conversation. yeah, if you had jumped each other in the beginning, you’d be asleep by now. :)

  15. Soooo, what I found so oober helpful was, wait for it… MY KIDS MOVING OUT!!! I’m a forty-year-old mother of three, and just became an empty nester in May. And, seriously, just this last month.. all those thoughts I WOULD have struggled with, I cut them loose! We even had sex with our clothes on.. that’s NEVER happened in the twenty-one years we’ve been together! The kid’s old rooms are now spare rooms (who’d of thunk it?!), and it turns out, no room is off limits anymore!
    I know this time of life is waaaay off for many of your readers, but I guess I’m posting for those who just can’t reconcile intimate time with their kids sleeping on the other side of the wall, or a daughter who has suffered from insomnia since birth, right down the hall, to let those women know, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. And when you get out of that tunnel, it’s FABULOUS and unlike any sex you’ve likely ever had. There. I said it. 😀

Comment Policy: Please stay positive with your comments. If your comment is rude, it gets deleted. Any comment that espouses an anti-marriage philosophy (eg. porn, adultery, abuse and the like) will be deleted. If it is critical, please make it constructive. If you are replying to another commenter, please be polite and don't assume you know everything about his or her situation. If you are constantly negative or a general troll, you will get banned. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Sheila Wray Gregoire owns the copyright to all comments and may publish them in whatever form she sees fit. She agrees to keep any publication of comments anonymous, even if you are not anonymous on this board.


  1. […] conversation or thought process that I have, I like Sheila Wray Gregoire‘s advice on The One Thing You Can do to Improve your Marriage (and I like it because I know that this is what I need to […]

Leave a Comment


CommentLuv badge