For many of us sex has become kind of boring. We always do the same thing. He may enjoy it, but quite often we don’t. And so we wonder: is this all there is? Can we find passion again? So today on Wifey Wednesday let’s talk about how to reignite the fire and spice up your marriage!
Spicing Up Your Marriage Usually Means Better Foreplay
Recently I was talking about foreplay–how important it is for a woman to get warmed up! Unless we’re aroused before we start intercourse, intercourse usually isn’t that great. Sure, quickies can be fun, but on the whole, we need some time and some attention.
But that time and attention can be, well, boring. Foreplay can sometimes feel too routine. He’s supposed to kiss us and touch us so that we’re turned on. But that doesn’t always do it for us. If we’ve got shopping lists running through our heads, or we’re finding it hard to relax, and then he starts touching us, it’s hard to get aroused.
So we need something to get us out of our heads so that we’re willing and able to concentrate on what’s going on! And that’s often where spicing things up, and doing things a little differently, can help. When we’re spicing things up,
Spicing Things Up Means Learning More About Your Body
Sometimes we get in a rut–we always make love the same way, in the same position, and it doesn’t necessarily feel that great. Spicing things up gives us a plan to help us try more things, and perhaps discover new things that feel good. And it gives us something new to look forward to!
Spicing Up Your Marriage Isn’t A Mandatory Thing
If you’re happy the way things are, that’s great! If things are always working well, and you’re both always having fun, then you don’t need to mess with a good thing. But sometimes it’s great to add a little different kind of fun to help you learn more about yourself. One of the things that makes sex really stupendous is when we truly open ourselves up to our spouse. When we become vulnerable, and we let him in (in all kinds of ways!), we feel even more intimate, and that makes the physical side better.
If we’re always doing the same thing, though, then some of that vulnerability may be lost, simply because you get comfortable. You can wall off part of yourself sexually. Now, like I said, if you are having fun, and he is having fun, then please, don’t feel like you need to do anything else! But often I do think couples can benefit from changing things up a little bit every now and then because you do learn more about yourself, and that does make you more intimate.
Spicing Things Up Can Be Scary
The problem is, though, that spicing things up in the bedroom can be scary because how exactly do you do it? Let’s face it–most of the stuff that’s out there to help you “spice things up” doesn’t really help at all. Sex toys have major down sides. They can make us reliant on the toy to feel good, can create parallel sexual experiences rather than enhance intimacy, and can focus too much on the body and not enough on intimacy.
And if you look online for ways to spice things up, you may find ideas which are totally a turn-off–and which can be dangerous for your relationship. Our culture is going crazy with things that warp sex rather than making it a beautiful thing. I’ve known of couples, for instance, who have decided to try reading erotica together, because at least that’s not looking at porn. But erotica almost always involves couples who aren’t married–or even sexual scenarios that are forced or in other ways wrong. Searching for that online can definitely take you down a bad path.
Many couples, then, would like to try different things, but they really don’t know where to start. You’re scared to look online (as you should be!), and yet coming up with new ideas seems overwhelming. So you’re it seems like you’re in this rut forever.
Clean and Fun Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage
So today, then, I’d like to give you some great resources for spicing things up–resources that you can even use for Christmas!
Deck of Dares–I Dare You!
Here it is–40 amazing ideas that will make your marriage soar to new heights of excitement! And they’re all clean. Nothing that will gross you out, involve a third party, or suggest porn. They’re written by Jennifer Degler, a Christian psychologist who specializes in sexuality–and who wants to help couples have a thriving and fun marriage.
You’ll get a .pdf version of her cards (I’m going to start selling the physical version, pictured here, when I speak!) so that you can download them right away, and start using them tonight.
Each card has a scenario that you’re going to act out–or complete–tonight. Maybe you’ll kidnap his iPhone and hold it for ransom–and you set the terms of what he has to do to get it back. Maybe you’ll play Beat the Timer. Maybe you’ll slip something into his briefcase (or lunchbox) that morning to tell him what he’ll be doing tonight.
They’re easy, they don’t cost very much (most don’t cost anything), and they’re fun! They’ll encourage you to be more active, to spend more time on foreplay, and to discover new things about yourself. And some of the dares even have to do with working on your spiritual intimacy and truly feeling like one, too.
The Deck of Dares is $6.99, and you can download them immediately. You can pull them up on your computer, read one on your iPhone or tablet, or print them all out, put them in a hat, and choose one every week!
Buy The Deck of Dares here.
How to Use this as a Christmas Present:
Print out a dare you know he’ll like, and put it in an envelope. Write on the bottom of the dare (or on the other side), in red pen, “there are 39 other ones just like this! Merry Christmas (and Happy New Year!) On the outside of the envelope, write “I Dare You”, and cover it with lipstick kisses.
5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Want some ideas for spicing things up to get you started? I’ve got a post on “5 Ways to Spice Things Up” with ideas for games you can play, and some suggestions for how to share some of the things you’d like to try or do more of, even if you’re embarrassed to talk about it.
If you liked my suggestions, I’ve got more in 31 Days to Great Sex! And there are also several days which encourage you to talk about what your boundaries are during sex, and work out what to do if one spouse is more adventurous than the other (and where you should draw the line).
So there are lots of ideas to make things fun and spicy, and also conversation prompts and a chance to talk about why you may be uncomfortable with certain things, and rather that they not be part of your marriage. So it helps you expand your boundaries where you should, but also talk about what to do when you feel like perhaps you’re doing things you’d rather not. Let’s keep things fun, but also intimate!
It’s available as an ebook for $4.99, or as a paperback (on sale now for $12!). See all of the places you can purchase it here.
How to Use This as a Christmas Present:
I’ve got coupons you can print out and put in his stocking, telling him what you have planned! Find them here.
Marriage is supposed to be fun, and if it isn’t that way for you, don’t just give up. Let’s throw ourselves into making marriage exciting again, because there’s little else that can give us so much energy, so much satisfaction, and so much love!