23 responses

  1. jenn0021
    November 14, 2013

    Miscarriage is hard on a marriage, there’s no doubt about that. We are currently going through our 3rd miscarriage and have been dealing with this grief and pain for the past 3 years. We have had many ups and downs, especially with some health challenges thrown in there.

    I like all the advice in this post and it is stuff I have to remember on a daily basis. We are both grieving and I need to be understanding and extend grace. I would also like to add that making time for dates and spending one-on-one time is important. Oh, and getting away. I find it very helpful to get away from the house and go on a mini-vacation just the two of us after a loss. After each loss, we have made time to kind of escape reality and just be alone together. It’s been good.
    jenn0021 recently posted…Happy WednesdayMy Profile

    • Sheila
      November 14, 2013

      Jenn, I’m so sorry about your losses. That’s so hard. I pray that God will really carry you through this time of grief.

    • Melissa
      November 14, 2013

      Your advice about getting away is spot-on. A few years ago the college pastor at our church and his wife suffered a late-term pregnancy loss. A couple of weeks later at the weekly college-age service, one of the other staff leaders who was speaking that night said “So many of you have been asking how you can help them. What we would like to do is, if everyone gives just a little bit, we would like to send them away together to have time to grieve and heal and just get away.” It hadn’t ever occurred to me how helpful that could be to the grieving process.

      I am so sorry for your losses. Lifting you up in prayer today. (((hug)))
      Melissa recently posted…Inside My BrainMy Profile

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 14, 2013

      Wonderful point, Jenn. After our second miscarriage, my husband and I booked a cruise (b/c of a spur-of-the-moment decision), and it was SO helpful for us. It didn’t fix our pain, of course, but it did help bond us together. Great point. And I too am so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks every time I hear of another miscarriage…
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…4 Easy Thanksgiving TraditionsMy Profile

  2. Anonymous
    November 14, 2013

    It took 6 months after our miscarriage before I realized my husband had suffered a loss too. He was trying to be strong for me, but everyone would ask him how I was and completely disregarded the pain he might be feeling as well. Since then, it has taught us to be more compassionate to the father as well.

    • Sheila
      November 14, 2013

      So true!

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 14, 2013

      Yes, very true. It’s a loss for both the man and the woman, and people don’t always treat it that way. Great point.
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…4 Easy Thanksgiving TraditionsMy Profile

  3. Anonymous
    November 14, 2013

    Thank you for this article. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage in June of this year and it took me a while to understand that he grieved differently than me. I was hurt, angry, and irritable for so long. I lost interest in things I loved and felt like I lost my identity entirely. But my husband seemed to be acting fine after just a few weeks and I just couldn’t understand when I was still falling apart day after day. When I asked him why he didn’t seem more upset, he told me that the only way he knew how to cope was to be strong for me. I realize now that was his grief.

    We got pregnant again following the loss and as I enter my second trimester, part of me still feels so conflicted. We’ve talked and worried endlessly about this pregnancy but we’ve stopped talking about our first loss and I worry about the flood of emotions that might appear any time or even worse, when I go to deliver this baby.

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 15, 2013

      Congratulations on your newest pregnancy. Sending prayers your way that this one goes full term without any complications…and that you’ll be able to relax a little bit. It is SO hard to do that once you’ve experienced pregnancy loss :(
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…How Miscarriage Affects a MarriageMy Profile

  4. Lindsey Bell
    November 14, 2013

    Thanks so much for having me on your blog again, Sheila! It’s always a pleasure:)
    Lindsey Bell recently posted…4 Easy Thanksgiving TraditionsMy Profile

  5. Kathleen Smith
    November 14, 2013

    Hi!
    Lindsey, everything I read above sound so much like what I went through with my miscarriages. A lot of what you wrote above I also wrote in similar words in my own book. It’s nice to know we are not alone. I’ve been married to my husband for 19 years now and love him more today then the day we were married. Thank you very much for sharing.

    Kathleen

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 15, 2013

      Sounds like a book I need to read, Kathleen! Yes, it is nice to know we are not alone:)
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…How Miscarriage Affects a MarriageMy Profile

      • Kathleen Smith
        November 15, 2013

        Lindsey, I would love it if you read my book! :-)

  6. Leslie
    November 14, 2013

    Thank you for this post! I just miscarried a baby in September and this pin-pointed exactly how I was feeling toward my husbands reaction. I found this on Pinterest and it helped put it all in perspective. Thanks again!

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 15, 2013

      Hi Leslie. I’m so glad this post was helpful for you…And I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Prayers coming your way.
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…How Miscarriage Affects a MarriageMy Profile

  7. Denise Porter
    November 15, 2013

    It was November 2007 that I miscarried — the drs. called it a “blighted ovum” — regardless of the medical terms, I still struggle with it. Another lady in our church was due about the same time and little Chloe is now in Kindergarten. I look at her and wonder what our baby might have been like. I guess I’ll never know until we get to heaven. Definitely my experience that hubby didn’t want to talk about it — even though he hadn’t had any children and I had two from a previous relationship. I’ll never understand why “these things happen” — and I found many people underplayed the significance of the miscarriage by saying silly things like “lots of women have them” — as if that made the loss any less or made it okay. And since it was early on — 8 weeks or so, we hadn’t told many people so then it is your horrible, “silent secret” — and no one can try to comfort or ease the pain because they don’t have a clue what you’re even going through.

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 15, 2013

      Hi Denise. Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, I definitely can relate to people saying things that they mean to be helpful but actually make it worse. We had many people tell us that “at least we had one child.” I know now that everyone just wants to help…unfortunately, they don’t always know how to help. I also had a friend who was due the same time as one of mine. That does make it extra hard. Hugs to you.
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…How Miscarriage Affects a MarriageMy Profile

  8. Erin
    November 15, 2013

    Besides dealing with the loss, one of the things that bothered me most about our miscarriage was the doctors kept referring to it as a “spontaneous abortion” When I think of the word abortion, I think of someone choosing to end the pregnancy. I did not choose to end it. It would have caused less pain if they referred to our loss as a miscarriage.

    • Lindsey Bell
      November 15, 2013

      Erin, I struggled with that too. I just wanted them to change the terminology, ya know. Prayers for you as you work through your grief.
      Lindsey Bell recently posted…How Miscarriage Affects a MarriageMy Profile

  9. Jessica @ThankfulForThorns
    April 1, 2014

    Thank you so much for posting this. I know it’s not new on here but I’m newly going through it.
    My husband and I are very much dealing in different ways but we’re allowing it to pull us closer and make us stronger as a couple. Thank you I just really needed to read this right now.
    Our baby was born into Jesus’ arms on March 13th 2014.
    Jessica @ThankfulForThorns recently posted…Spring is comingMy Profile

    • Sheila
      April 2, 2014

      I’m so sorry that you’re walking through this grief! I really do know how tough it is. Sometimes life just hurts, but at least you have him so you hurt together.

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