Reader Question: Is It Okay to Take Sexy Photos of Myself for My Husband?

Reader Question: Is it okay to take pics for my husband?On Mondays I like to try to answer a Reader Question, and today’s is one I get asked a lot, even in person, but often in whispers: Is it okay to take sexy photos for my husband?

After all, he’s allowed to see you naked, so there’s nothing actually wrong with it, right? And there are even “classy” places that will do boudoir photo shoots, with you in lingerie. That would be a good gift, wouldn’t it? Especially if he were going away for a time (like a military deployment)?

Well, let’s think this one through, because I don’t think it has a black and white answer. Like many things in marriage, I’m inclined to say, “it depends”. So here are just a few thoughts that I have, and then you can work it through in your own marriage.

The Practical: Private Photos Don’t Tend to Stay Private

We all know this; we see it all the time with celebrities. But it’s true for “real life”, as well. Photos that you intend to stay private often don’t. Kids may come across them (and who wants their kids seeing this?). If they’re on a phone, someone else may see it.

I’m reminded of this old Motorola ad (It showed on TV so it really doesn’t get that racy):

Seriously. You don’t want that happening!

If you’re going to take pictures, personally, I’d make sure they were erased right away. Let them be something to tease him with, not something he keeps with him.

Now, at the same time, I’m not a military person, and so I’ve never had that six month or a year separation. But I’m not sure sexy photos would make that year easier. It would be great if some military wives could chime in on this one, because I really do feel out of my depth on that one, and especially with the date–November 11–I’m reminded again of the gratitude I have for those in the service. So I’ll let someone with more experience in that area make a more definitive statement.

The Worry: Are You Recreating Porn?

Men are visual, and we like to be thought of as “the beauty”, as the Eldredge’s say in their books. I think appreciating a woman’s beauty, and seeing her revealed, is something that is innate in us, and isn’t necessarily bad.

However, we live in an extremely pornographic society, and so many men are really struggling with porn.

I do not think that you defeat porn by becoming porn.

You don't defeat porn by taking sexy photos for your husband.

The problem with porn is not ONLY that you’re looking at someone other than your wife; the problem with porn is that it makes sex into something which is entirely about the physical and not about a relationship. It makes sex into “I’m going to lust and get my needs met”, rather than “we’re going to experience this together.” And that is a very, very difficult thing to break. In fact, in many ways that’s harder than the porn. A guy may find that he’s able to give up porn, but he may not find that his sex drive for his wife comes back. It may stay dormant. It doesn’t mean she’s not attractive; it’s just that he’s trained his body to respond to anonymous images, and not to a relationship. And that takes time to deal with (and I talk about how to recover from porn here).

It’s like this: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a glass of wine. But for an alcoholic, that’s a tremendously bad idea. Even just being at a place where people are drinking is hard. Similarly, there’s nothing wrong with an Oreo cookie. But if you’re trying to change your eating habits and get your body to start craving food that’s real, then giving in all the time to that Oreo won’t complete that retraining process, and could disrupt it.

I received an email yesterday by a woman who is sick of having to initiate sex. I couldn’t really figure out what the problem is, but then she made a throw away comment in the middle of the email that sometimes she’s too cold to do a striptease. So I think tomorrow I’ll write about what initiating sex is (and it certainly does NOT have to involve a striptease or be that elaborate! Not that there’s anything wrong with elaborate). But it became that her husband wanted to put her in certain positions and do certain things that he liked watching in porn.

That’s not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with spicing things up in the bedroom and having fun.

But if you’re recreating porn, you end up objectifying yourself and pushing him back into this fantasy mode, not into relationship mode.

You’re not ever making love; you’re just using each other (or he’s using you). That’s not good.

This struggle pops up in a lot of ways and in a lot of questions I get, and not just about taking pictures. If your husband has used porn, recreating it will not ease his addiction to the porn and bring him back to you. Wearing more lingerie and acting sexier will not get rid of the porn; in some ways it just solidifies it. You become just what’s on the screen. Sure, it’s good that it’s you and not her, but the fundamental problem remains: you’ve warped what sex is supposed to be.

31 Days to Great SexIf you want to figure out a way to talk this through with your husband, that’s what 31 Days to Great Sex is for. I have a number of days when I talk about the dangers of depersonalizing sex, and how pornography can do this to us. And then we work through how to make sex intimate again. If you’ve tried to have this conversation with your husband, and it isn’t working, the book may really help.

And if you just don’t understand what I’m saying–like why can’t sex just be about being sexy?–then I’d really recommend working through The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, which explains how sex was supposed to be intimate and fun physically, of course, but it was also supposed to be a spiritual and emotional experience. If you don’t have those last two components, you’re really missing something! After all, it’s the spiritual, the feeling like one, that makes the physical even more intense.

So those would be my concerns. If you’ve read through those, and you don’t think they apply to you (because your sex life is both intimate and fun, and porn isn’t an issue), and you don’t intend to store the pictures, then I really don’t think there’s anything wrong. But please, heed the red flags, and really think it through first. If you feel like it’s wrong, then it very well may be for you, and that may be God’s way of prompting you to tread carefully!

Now, I’d love to hear what you think. Ever been in an awkward situation where you wish you hadn’t taken some pictures? Or, if you’re a  military spouse, I’d love to hear your unique take on this question!

Comments

  1. Stephanie P says:

    When my husband was deployed, I would send things in his care packages that reminded him of me…like one time I bought a brand new pair of sexy underwear and sprayed them with my body spray and packed them tightly in a air tight container…so that when he received them, not only did he get a sexy surprise, but something that smelled like me too…and i put a note on the outside of the container telling him to open it carefully and in private…..that way it could stay just between us. He loved it!

  2. I see absolutely nothing wrong with sending exciting photos of myself to my husband. Sometimes it’s a text (his phone has a lock code on it!), and a couple of years ago for Christmas a photographer friend of mine took some photos of me in lingerie, and I gave the original copies to him. I did not let her keep any of them. We have had this discussion, and I completely trust my husband to protect me by making sure they don’t end up where they shouldn’t.

    We do live in a very hyper-sexualized society. We cannot avoid it. Our men ARE bombarded everywhere whether they (or we) want to be or not. Why not send him reminders about his hot wife at home? This is the same reason why I wear a bikini when we are away together on a romantic getaway. I want him to oogle over me, not someone else! Our husbands are visual, and I want him to keep his eyes on me.

    I will agree though that if your husband has a serious porn addiction, trying to compete by sending him photos of yourself, is not going to be beneficial. He needs to give that up on his own, and nothing you say or do is going to “fix” him. It’s his responsibility. My job is to be there for him, to be enthusiastic when he come to me.

    • Two things.

      A coworker of my husband’s opened a text from his wife while standing around with other guys, thinking it was just a message. She was trying to surprise him. Well she surprised everyone! Thankfully my husband wasn’t there at the time, but he heard the men discussing it later. That poor wife! I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, nor would I have wanted my husband to see it. This was all done accidentally. It can happen. Keep that in mind.

      Why I do not wear a bikini, even on vacation ~ I do not like to be ogled by anyone other than my husband. If you walk around in a bikini in front of other men, they are going to notice. They cannot help it. Yes they can avert their eyes ~ that is an issue for another discussion ~ but why even put it out there? Bikins have always perplexed me. I mean – most women would not go walking around in public in a bra and panties. A bikini is basically the same thing – just made out of stretchier fabric! Thankfully for me, my husband likes modest bathing suits. He really likes the skirted bottoms, and tankini tops. I think he likes me to look cute as opposed to “hot” when we are in public. Well, at least in public with that much skin showing. I guess if we were on a secluded island or in a private hot tub I’d be okay with a bikini, but not otherwise. Even in high school when I was a very fit diver I did not wear bikinis. I just never liked THAT kind of attention. It made me uncomfortable. Plus who wants to be the woman that causes other women to worry about where their husbands are looking? Not me.

      Just be careful. Technology has a way of spiraling out of control.

      My two cents. Or three, I guess. :o)

      • I’m with you, Becca. My husband has asked me not to send him sexy pics of me via text. He’s so afraid someone might see what is exclusively for his eyes only, or it being intercepted somehow and put out there for everyone to see. There is far too many wife and girlfriend sharing that goes on among his coworkers. I’m shocked at how many men think it is totally ok to show other guys sexy or nude pictures of their wife or girlfriend. That being said, I have taken boudoir photos of myself and showed them to hubby. Nothing blatently nude or even in super sexy lingerie. Flirty and cute, mostly. Hubby is not at all into porn-like pictures…spread eagles, or masturbation, or stuff like that. He’d rather see pin-up style looks, or very artful nudes of myself, but even so, he’d rather just enjoy it in person instead of having pictures.

        I’m with you on the bikini thing, too. I’m not a fan of bikinis for the same reasons you give, but also because there’s no way to just let loose and have fun when constantly worrying about how you look or what’s being shown in a bikini. I wear a skirted bottom and a sleeveless rash guard top. I do own a few bikinis that I either wear as layers under the skirted bottom or rash guard or in the privacy of my own backyard.

      • This Fall, I was supervising a group of out of state contractors. One day we’re sitting around and one guy offers a look at a picture of his wife. Very nice, modest picture. Another shows a picture of his wife, again a nice, modest picture. The third guy shows his picture of his girl friends breasts. I told him, that was plain wrong and he laughed, apologized and brought up another picture of her nether regions. I guess he didn’t understand when I said the first one was wrong, he did after the second. These pictures were all on cell phones.
        All I’m saying with this, once that picture is out there, you have lost all control over it. Whether innocently or otherwise, those pictures will find a way out. Plan on them being discovered or misused.

      • It is refreshing to hear a woman say that she does NOT want to be the cause of another man’s (or husband’s) distraction publicly. Bravo! Our society has woman twisted into an impossible pretzel of “be attractive and sexy in public, but then disapprove when your man looks at other women”. Huh? How could it be OK for you to be seen and ogled by everyone else but not OK for hubby to notice other women? What’s the standard? As a Christian man, I have to guard my eyes and mind constantly every day, whether I was married or not. We WILL notice women. We do not have to dwell or ogle or engage in our minds, but it’s not automatic. It is a choice. His choice. It is respect. It is learned. It is practiced. And at times we may fail. Beyond that, being the sexy hot one in public DOES NOT ensure that a man will not notice anyone else, so stop dreaming. Men don’t look at women to shop one that he can look at for the rest of his life. We notice you wonderful beings, the grande finale of God’s creation, because He made you attractive to look at. He wants us drawn to you. That part is supposed to happen and his visual software unfortunately does not get updated at the wedding to only respond to his wife. You want to be the ONE he wants to devote his eyes to, ABOVE AND BEYOND all others, for the rest of his life. You WANT him to choose you, every day, every night, always, every time. Love is choosing. What we do with that look is where the perversion can creep in. We should ALL (men too!) look good for our spouses, but dressing for male attention most often only guarantee extra attention from OTHER men, not captivate your guy. Your heart for him, your acceptance and support of him, your passion for God and life and for loving yourself go father in captivating his attention and his heart in a deep way than any bikini. (Keep the bikini, though…)

  3. Mrs Scarlet says:

    My husband has deployed twice, and neither one of us felt right about sending racy photos. The deployment lifestyle is very much the opposite of spiritually uplifting. My husband bunked with men who regularly watched porn, discussed sexual activities, and even had the audacity to set pornographic images as the background to the government computers. As much as I believe sex is a vital part of a marriage, I had much more important things to get him to focus on. It was partially my duty to keep his mind focused on Christ and to clear his mind of all the garbage he saw day after day. The last thing I needed to do was reinforce that sexuality comes from a picture and not from a wife waiting at home, raising his children and running his household.

    • That’s what I was thinking, too. But I’m not in that situation. Thanks for speaking up!

    • I wanted to chime in here, too. My husband isn’t in the military, but his job takes him away from home a lot and for fairly long periods of time. I used to think I should send him away with reminders of me to help him ward off any sexual temptations, especially since he works with very worldly men, many of whom are porn users/addicts and share it freely. Then, I discovered something….

      When he’s gone on duty and he knows he’s going to be gone for say 1 month, he boxes sex up and sets it in storage and focuses on work. I’ve tried flirting with him, sexting him, or suggesting I send a naughty picture his way, and he turns it down. I used to think, “He doesn’t want me! What man can be away from his wife and NOT want her?!” He told me that he most certainly does want me and he wants me and misses me and loves me so much that it hurts like crazy to be apart. He doesn’t need me reminding him of the intimacy we’re missing. Instead, he just wants to know that his wife and family are well. As he gets closer to the time of returning home, he starts slowly opening up the sex box again and he’ll initiate some flirtation or even a little mild sexting in eagerness for what’s soon to come when he makes it home. His job is long hours and hard work and being away from home kills him. To have me throwing sex his way is a huge distraction. There’s a time for sex and there’s a time for being loving and supportive. Maybe to some men it all rolls into one and they need that sexual connection, but that’s not how it is with my hubby.

      He’s also told me that I mean more than just being a blatant sex object. I’m not just a sexy picture to masturbate over. He doesn’t want me to think that he expects, requires or even needs me to put myself out like that. Same with costuming or role playing. He just wants the woman he loves and married in the flesh.

  4. As one who cleans houses, I can say that simply in cleaning a house, I have found photos (actual photographs) of the wife that were inappropriate for me to see. I know that the husband took them, and she was posing for him, but it just shows that if you keep these photos, they can end up in hands of people that shouldn’t see them!

    • Mrs Scarlet says:

      You are absolutely right! I am astounded by the number of comments here that put the control of the pictures on the husband. Especially during deployment, you really cannot expect your husband to have any privacy. Your husband may be the most most private and trustworthy man on the face of the planet, but there will always be individuals who take each other’s phones or sneak up on them while they are on their computers. If you send physical photos in the mail, I can say with a good degree of certainty that your mail is being opened beforehand. Send beautiful pictures of you (and your children); I think that’s a great idea! Send little love notes or even little sexy notes! But there is NO privacy, and you shouldn’t expect it.

  5. My husband is in the military. I ended up doing a Glamour Shot session for him, so the pictures were beautiful and sexy, but still something he can put on his desk at work. Neither of us will be embarrassed for the colonel to see these pictures.

  6. I actually WISH we had some pictures from pre-baby. I’d like to remember what my body used to look like! ha!

  7. Sheila my husband was in the army national guard and because it was national guard they had to go through training before deployment (cause they didn’t train daily like active duty) so for the better part of 14 months he was gone….I’ll admit I took pictures however I made it safer…I didn’t take full nude I took pictures dressed up in my sexiest pair of jeans heels and low cut shirt and I didn’t send them individually I made a power point so people who looked at the email would think it was just a power point however even if someone did see them I wouldn’t be ashamed cause it wasn’t crazy bad….and my husband…appreciated all my efforts to keep him happy AND keep it modest “just in case”

  8. As a wife with a husband who had, and maybe still does have, a pornography habit, I can say that I felt very silly and foolish after taking photos of myself and sending to him and then seeing some of the stuff he looked at previously. I couldn’t compare and didn’t want to even try after that point. Sheila has a point about their fantasy life becoming real life when you pose like a porn star. It’s supposed to be fun and flirty for your husband but then you find out about the other things and ultimately feel and look like a fool. Lesson learned, I won’t be doing it again. But in a marriage that doesn’t have issues with pornography, I think it would be fun as long as it doesn’t get out. I wish I could have a relationship where pornography isn’t a central issue… it must be so freeing.

  9. I’m going to do tasteful boudoir shots for him for our anniversary. Nothing too racy but just enough for me to feel sexy and show him my confidence and give him something to have.

    • Tracey,
      I did a tasteful boudoir photos for my husband because I didn’t have the confidence I used to. I have to say after that and then seeing them….WOW I have a smile everyday because I know I am sexy, beautiful and can have confidence! I am waiting on the final cd of 700 shots! You will be amazed how you feel after having photos done. If you need any ideas or have thoughts let me know. I made sure I wore something he liked and something new. Just have fun with the photos!

  10. This hits a sore subject with me because my husband would LOVE for me to participate in dirty pictures of myself. My #1 excuse is that if he saves them…they can get out or the wrong pair of eyes can come across them, and I’d be MORTIFIED. He never has his phone far from him, so he always shoots that excuse down!! haha He has never had a porn addiction, but he says that “racy/sexy/risque” pictures excite him so much and get him reared and ready to go for when we see each other at the end of the work day, and he constantly says, “Baby, we’re married…there’s nothing to be ashamed of..” but it’s so hard for me to dive into this, because I feel so guilty…like I’m being a porn star! ;) And he constantly tells me how attracted he is to me and how much he loves me, and I believe it with all my heart….I just feel bad because I don’t like the extra “dirtiness” throughout the workday or long weekends away from each other..but I want to do this for him, because he tells me that it helps him know that I desire him, but I do!! Just not in such…blatant….picture-conreted ways!!!

    • AH, if you don’t feel comfortable with it, then don’t do it! Really. And even if his phone is right there, you definitely do NOT want pictures of yourself walking outside of your house. No way no how nada. It’s a weird world out there. So I’d say: if you’re uncomfortable, say no, but offer him an alternative. You can find other ways to spice things up, and show him you ARE interested in making it fun, but this just isn’t the way you want to do it.

  11. I’m at the end of a very stressful deployment. My husband has struggled with porn in the past. He has done things, vulnerable things to earn my trust over time. Whether he it’s gone or not the sexual needs don’t just disappear. I happen to be very anti masturbation. I think sex is for two married people. I asked him to not do that during deployments, along with not looking at pornography. He tried to honor my request, but kept telling me about embarrassingly waking up with his underwear sticking to him on occasion. I prayed about this more. Men have a biological need to have sex. It’s harder for them, the temptation is greater when they try ignoring that part of themselves. I told him I understand that this was an actual biological response, and it was okay if that’s what he needed to do. No porn,no nudity, no seductive females. Over the months I’ve find my self more willing to send him teasing photos. I want him to want me and think of me. Not a fantasy of me, I’m not thin and I’ve had multiple c sections. It’s actually been very intimate for us. Me being vulnerable, him having his needs met. I suggest him sending me photos…I’m not really into that. But i want him to know I’m attracted to him, i want him to have to be vulnerable too ;) and yes! They are deleted right away! We pray together through emails. We plan our homecoming. Like you said, it depends. I wouldn’t be as willing to do this, i didn’t do this our last deployment because i didn’t trust him since his confession about struggling with porn. He has earned my trust by becoming very transparent. Deployments are so hard on couples!

  12. My husband was in the air force before I knew him. (He tells me that they forced everyone to drink this nasty drink that is supposed to lower your sex drive and help you avoid any “embarrassing situations.” (I’m pretty sure it’s still working.))
    Anyway, you’d think that he would have been exposed to a lot of bad stuff, but, after 4 years I’m still pretty sure he’s one of the most innocent guys I’ve met. (I still have to explain dirty jokes to him.)
    My husband isn’t into porn and doesn’t seem to be the visual type at all. For him, he can’t get turned on unless he feels close to me (and the house is clean).
    All that said…. his work sends him out of town a lot. (He is actually out of town right now.) I think it’s funny that this post was written at this time because last week I decided that I was looking pretty &*%# good and decided to take a bunch of pictures of myself. I sent him one of me fully clothed but in what he would call a sexy outfit. Then I told him that over the next several days I would be slowly taking it all off one thing at a time. Every time I sent a picture, I would say something that went along with it. When he came home unexpectedly this weekend, I asked if he wanted to see the rest and he said “no, I’m enjoying the story.” Normally he would be annoyed that I was trying to flirt with him, so I’m really surprised that I got a pleasant response. Anyway…. I guess it was because he KNEW they were coming so there was never a chance of them getting intercepted. Also, I think men like the suspense. You shouldn’t just send naked pictures all of a sudden. That’s too much of a mental shock. And lastly, I have no shame over it at all. I did it cause *I* wanted to do it and it was fun for me. If someone finds the pictures, so be it. I’m not deleting them: like Amanda said, I want to remember what my body looks like pre-baby!

  13. When my husband was on deployment for a year+, he asked for pictures of me. I don’t know how much easier it made it, but they do get down time, and when they do they would like to “see” their wife. It’s a looong time, and honestly sometimes you can “forget” what things look like unless you have pictures. Smile and eyes too! I do know you need to be extra careful, because if the package got lost or had to be seached, who knows who’s hands they could get into. And sending them over the military email? BIG no-no. I hope this helped.

  14. My husband and I use an app called Avacado for sending personal messages. It has a lock on it and We know to open any messages that come through the app privately. You can also take pictures that are password protected. Being free to banter back and forth has been a lot of fun when either of us are apart.

    • I also recently discovered an app called Pair (although it downloaded to my screen as “Couple”) that is password protected. My hubby and I have an understanding that we are to only open the app in private. I loved the feature it has in which you can set a timer to detonate the picture after a set amount of seconds of viewing. Great for teasing, lol…. and great to destroy any evidence. ;)

  15. First let me preface this by saying I’m a guy and I love your blog. I believe I have found something that has the opportunity to shed some light on the area’s in my marriage that have problems. Thus I have subscribed to your blog and I have enjoyed all of it. My hope is that my wife will read it along with me.

    I do have to say that what prompted me to respond to this entry was your part about a husband and wife’s interactions not becoming “pornographic”. I have a problem with what appears to be some type of warning in that, in my situation in my marriage I have a very conservative wife who became even more conservative after we had children. And it has gotten conservative that my wife literally views any bedroom intimate action to be pornographic and thus has caused a major strain on our marriage. So much so that I actually filed for divorce last year because we have literally gone years without intimacy. I can count on 1 hand how many times we have been intimate over the course of 4 years. We did end up calling off the divorce, however the intimacy issues remain unchanged, however it has more to do with being a priority issue than it does “sex” is wrong issue.

    I think sending a “sexy” photo or leaving a sexy message is not being in the slightest bit pornographic at all, especially being between a husband and wife. If anything it’s just another form of intimate communication that is important in a marriage/relationship. I think the more appropriate warning or question if anything regarding the “sexy” photo, would come down to whether you trust your spouse to handle the photo. Obviously the spouse sending the photo is putting a lot of trust in the fact that it is for the receivers eyes only, and won’t be shared with anyone else.

    I believe that sexy communication within a marriage/relationship is important as it makes other matters that are not intimate in nature easy to communicate about.

    I just don’t like everything that has to do with intimacy to have to come with a pornography warning… as I believe that my wife’s issue as seeing any intimate situation being pornographic in nature is a big issue in a lot of women. I believe if you tag something like sending your spouse a sexy picture or anything else that is intimate in nature as being pornographic, you afford the justification of the spouse to build up their wall of protection that does more harm than good.

  16. I think you are right on concerning this issue. The porn angle is really important, I worry about keeping the pictures private, especially since relationships don’t last forever like they should (or used to). There are sites that specialize in posting pictures of ex-wives and ex-girl friends.

    I do think that a wife or girl friend can take tasteful, classy pictures, even flirty pictures, where they are fully clothed, that will make their husband or boyfriends happy. I figure, keep them (Err – Us) wanting more and that way you won’t have to worry that the wrong person might somehow get a hold of it.
    Jed recently posted…Make Out Monday – Long VersionMy Profile

  17. I see nothing wrong with taking photos for your husband. I have gone through many deployments and this year was the first time I had professional sexy ones done. I love them and let him look at a few but he gets the real surprise later! The way I look at it is this helps spice up the bedroom and you can leave him little snipits around ( car, drawer, briefcase etc) becau when he puts them all together he is coming home to you and will find the fun in everything else! There is so much us military wives share that just take a listen sometime and be amazed what you can come up with! I have always tried to be a little exciting where he is concerned. Ladies….have fun and enjoy the photos but remember they are for his eyes only!

  18. I agree with Matt up above. Your body is meant to be adored, loved, and viewed frequently by your husband. To me, the hangups about it seem to be trust related.

  19. I am a newer Navy wife and have now been through 2 deployments with my husband which were back-to-back. He was only home for 6 months in between deployments (1st 7 months, the 2nd 8 months). While I have not sent pictures of myself, we do struggle with remaining close while he’s gone. And with little time together, intimacy is something we struggle with when he is home since our relationship has mostly been long distance. My husband is also very concerned about privacy, ESPECIALLY while he is deployed. While he can get a little privacy in his rack on ship, everywhere else on ship is always a public situation. However, I know of one wife who had boudoir photos taken and she had them made into a CD (the only copy of the pictures) which he could look at in port while staying in a private hotel room. Though the safest way is to send the CD/pictures is with the service member, as both packages and emails can be searched and are never truly private with OPSEC and safety concerns. Deployments are stressful and he has considered a CD that remains locked in his rack except for port visits as an option. Every couple is different, but with deployments becoming longer, it is important to find ways to remain intimate while apart. Hopefully, we’ll be able to find something that works for us….

    • I can’t imagine being gone that long. That must be so hard! Thank you for your sacrifice (and for your husband’s service).

    • I know the feeling of bac to back deployments and trying to stay close. It can be difficult but you make the little things count and matter the most. I am a 15 year NavyWife and we have close friends but no family near us in California. I make the best of a smile, kiss, rose, the snuggle time etc. I am big on OPSEC and volunteer a lot. There are many ways to secretly send photos to your husband…I have done all ways I think….then only he knows of them and is able to access them. I want you to know that us Navy Wives stick together no matter where we live, play or retire. I have always been the one who helps anyone out because we truly are the ” Toughest Job in the Navy” as the saying goes.stay strong and just smile for you are special! If you ever need ideas just drop a note!
      SHEILA…..the same goes for you, anytime you need idea from a military wife just ask. I love your blog, post, all your advice and insight. You know just how to put things! Thank you!

  20. I would agree it depends. For me I would have to look at my own heart issue, what is the motive? This for me would be done out of my own selfish lust to be seen. There is nothing wrong with being seen in the context of marriage, and absolute privacy, but it would be more about me, than my husband I think. In the end it wouldn’t further intimacy, and just feed my own lust. So there is a whole different sin issue with it for me regarding my selfish nature.

  21. My husband works on smart phones and computers all the time for part of his job. I can’t tell you the number of times he’s said he’s come across ‘less than appropriate’ photographs on other people’s devices while trying to repair them. Personally, I’d be concerned about this. You’re exactly right. Photos tend not to stay private. I understand the nice idea behind them, but I wouldn’t want someone else coming across photos of me nor do I want to come across anyone else’s either. I’d much rather send a flirty text than a photo of myself. My husband and I even use “code phrases” for various things in text to make it more fun and harder for others to decipher what’s being said, in case they’re ever seen.
    Hannah recently posted…Appreciating Your Man, Day 13My Profile

    • It’s also true that “delete” doesn’t necessarily mean it is deleted. Hubby was working with this really nasty guy who texted hubby a picture of his testicles. Hubby was of course appalled and deleted the picture. Months later, I was downloaded photos off of hubby’s phone to add to our photo albums and that picture was downloaded. I asked hubby about it and he was upset that it was still on his phone despite deleting it.

      I had used my phone to take a sexy pic of me for hubby and then I deleted it, but it showed up again when I downloaded pics for our albums. I also have a computer I won’t get rid of because it crashed before I deleted certain pics of myself. Some day I’ll smash the insides to smithereens before throwing it away in separate garbage pails.
      libl recently posted…Pre-Christmas PurgeMy Profile

  22. My husband has deployed two times and both times I sent him private pictures–tastefully taken by myself with the timer setting on my camera. I printed them into wallet size and sent them wrapped up in a note to make sure he was by himself (like the bathroom) before opening. He has told me countless times that those pictures of me made his day and kept his focus on me. Not once did I think of myself as a “porn star” or that I was encouraging him to look at me and then go further and look at porn. So I suppose this does depend on your husband and his tendencies. Having some flirty pictures of me to look at along with love notes and letters is what got him though his deployments and kept his focus on me and he shared how so many other married men were flirting with the women, watching porn and engaging in other sexually unacceptable behaviors. My pictures and love notes were his escape when missions were difficult and the reality of war and destruction was in his face. It created a special bond between us and it was a way for me to show my love because I took a bold step outside of my comfort zone. I felt silly at first, but when my husband told me how much those pictures meant to him, I no longer felt silly about it, I feel a deeper connection to him and that these pictures kept his focus on me. With all that being I don’t think I created porn or a tenancy for it with my pictures; rather, I am confident that I kept his focus on me and gave him every reason to keep his eyes on me while so many others around him were straying from their wives.

  23. I do not agree or disagree with taking sexy photos for your hubby. I have allowed HIM (not a photographer) to take racy pics of me and I had an album made of it. I have sent him sexy pics via text, sexted, and left sexy notes for him. I believe it should be kept in context. I would be horrified if someone saw any of this! However, it was never intended for anyone but my hubby. He wouldn’t exploit me like that and I would not him. I DO believe society tosses sex around and tries to tempt us in one way or another constantly. So, to agree with a FB commenter, I would rather thwart society’s temptation for porn/explicit sex by sending my hubby racy pics of myself. If he is tempted, why not be “tempted” for his own wife?

  24. Shelia, you mention above that you were going to write about how to initiate. I would very much like to see that article. Thx

  25. My husband spent the first year of our marriage deployed. We had just gotten used to living with each other, to having a sexual relationship and then he went away for 8 months. He didn’t ask for anything, but at that point, knowing he would port in countries where there were hookers on every street corner and knowing that so many of the sailors he knew brought them back to them rooms every night and knowing that porn was all over the ship, I would much rather the woman he looked at was me, not porn and not the hookers at the hotels and on the street. I did not take nude pictures, I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that, but a friend of mine that I used to work with was just beginning to do boudiour pictures and offered to do some for me to send to him for his birthday. I can’t tell you how grateful he was to have that to look at rather than be distracted and tempted with all that there was on and around the ship. It allowed us to have intimacy without being able to be in the same room. I think it was a good decision for our marriage and plan on doing it again if he deploys again. I understand that there are situations that it wouldn’t be good to do that, but for us, my husband was thankful for the pictures.

  26. My husband travels all the time. Before the digital age a photographer made a pic. I was fully clothed in a dressy shorts outfit. The shorts hit above my knee. Nothing pornographic about it and my husband loved it. Now with cameras on our phone I do send him pics, again not pornographic, but fun. (toes peeking out from a bubble bath, wearing his shirt, undies laying out on the bed). It’s just one of many ways I can demonstrate that he is on my mind when he is gone.

  27. Hey Sheila, this is from a husband who likes to read his wife’s favorite blog! Would you mind to take that ad down? It actually does get pretty racy. She gets all the way down to her bra during the commercial. I thought it was funny but I wasn’t expecting that because you said it wouldn’t get to racy. Thanks for all the good you do. My buddy and I are going to get covenant eyes tomorrow. My wife encouraged me to do it from all the advice she has read on your blog.

    God Bless and have a great one!

  28. My husband works very long hours, leaving us for weeks with only half an hour of talk or sexy time before having to go to sleep. And this week we started sending pics to each other,not every day or a lot, just one, saying how we miss each other, and I can’t wait for him to come home. I know that he will respect me and keep it for his eyes only, and so will I.

  29. My husband and I just talked about this last night, so naturally I thought I’d come over to your blog and see if you had anything to say about it! I brought up the topic, because many of my friends who I love and respect are getting married and I’ve found that the majority of them talk about getting boudoir pictures to give their husband the day of the wedding. It always felt uncomfortable to me, but I work at an NGO with women who are trafficked internationally for sex and so I know that I’m super sensitive to even any hint of sexual objectification. I was anxious to get my husbands opinion.

    His response really mirrored my initial thoughts. He told me that while there is nothing wrong with your husband seeing pictures of yourself, and it could be a really sweet idea for the wife to try spicing things up in bedroom… there is a risk of turning the personal sexual intimacy into more of an objectified image of your wife’s body. Especially for anyone who has struggled with pornography in the past- looking at sexy pictures of your wife’s body could bring up past associations of looking at other women. He also mentioned that having images of me would make sexual gratification “instant access.” If we were in an argument or not communicating well, he could still easily access the images and would no longer have to put forth the effort to make the relationship better before he got to see my with my clothes off. ;)

    All in all, I think taking sexy pictures would be a wonderful idea in the ideal world, and I’m always looking for ways to initiate and spice things up, but I think it’s a slippery slope because of the over-sexed, objectifying society we live in. I understand that it’s different for every couple, and I can’t imagine having him gone for months at a time, so I know I can’t speak into those situations, just thought I’d give my (and my husband’s) two cents!

    Thanks so much for the blog Sheila! We’ve been married almost a year, and I came into the marriage with a LOT of sexual trauma and baggage from my work. We’ve gone through counseling & 31 Days to Great Sex and I can honestly say that our sex life is the most beautiful picture in our marriage of the Lord working and providing to bring beauty from the ashes. God is good!

  30. Thanks Sheila, I love your blog!
    I’m a new Navy fiance, and I’d love to talk to all y’all Navy wives because I don’t know any, and would especially like to get know all the military wife readers of this Christian blog!

  31. Nothing wrong with it. But make sure you trust your hubby as I let him take some naughty pics of me as well as I set him some. Only to find he had been sharing them online with other guys and one of them guys had posted some online showing me naked with my face and some shots of me having a solo toy session with face.

  32. My husband and I were dual military, now he is the only active duty spouse. Before we found our church and Christ we did send sexy images. I was always afraid of who might see them. Now that we found our church, who is against porn and even masturbation, we cut that out and it had helped with him being away SO much. Instead of being lustful and sexually frustrated we focus on our marriage and our personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Sending those photos created a sexual tension that could not be relieved and I feel it creates murky waters. I personally feel it’s borderline porn. As a photographer, it’s not for me or my business. I have prayed about it and I don’t feel right about it. My husband has even asked me to not engage in something like that because he is afraid of who might see them. In the end I have considered it, but if I am ashamed to show it to our Heavenly Father or my parents, I don’t think I should be doing it. Someone else WILL see them. I feel we as photographers can empower women by showing them their beauty with their clothes on. Isn’t that the best way to show a woman that she is beautiful by being in an everyday environment? Just my opinion!
    Don’t get me wrong I tease my husband by sending him a cute pair of underwear for “when he gets back”, but you CAN have a wonderful marriage with a spouse who is always gone WITHOUT participating in boudoir or sexy photos.
    Just my opinion! :)

  33. I love how God gives us strength through the Bible to overcome temptation. His Word reminds us that it is possible to have victory. I had written these verses out a while back to keep around me as a reminder: Galatians 5:16, 17, “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
    For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.” If we walk in the Spirit, we CAN control the flesh! This is the root issue.

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  1. […] Is It Okay to Take Sexy Photos of Myself for My Husband? – From Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum […]

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