On September 3, 17 years ago, I said good-bye to my son. He passed away in the wee hours of the morning on September 4. So I’m thinking of my baby boy today!
My husband and I were talking recently about how his death impacted us. It’s a very hard road back from something like that to trusting God again. As we were leaving our oldest daughter at her new university last weekend, we had to put her in God’s hands. And as my husband said, that’s really tough. If you lent some tool that you loved to a neighbour, and they returned it broken and scratched up, you wouldn’t be so ready to lend to that neighbour again. And when a baby dies, it’s easy to feel that way about God.
It is hard to trust again.
And yet Christopher is not broken and all scratched up. He is alive and he is thriving with God.
Christopher, I’m so glad you’re able to run and jump and laugh and do all the things you would have found challenging here on this earth.
And I’m glad that each day that I spend here is not one more day that I’m away from you; it’s one more day that I’m closer to being reunited with you. I’m still your Mommy.
On this day, to honour him, I thought I wouldn’t write a new post. I’d just link to other things that I’ve said about my precious boy.
Remembering…here’s my recollection of our last day together, and how God helped me to let go.
And for those of you who have also lost babies, here’s A Prayer Through Tears, a column I wrote as a prayer for all of us walking through this.
I talk a lot about Christopher when I do women’s retreats, and about how having him helped me to be able to truly say that God is enough. And I learned how to trust God in new ways. I’ve written a book about it, How Big Is Your Umbrella–just a short book to help people walk through the things we often yell at God when life is tough, and the things that God whispers back. You can see it here.
Or, if you’re interested, here’s an audio download when I tell my story, but also weave in other illustrations of finally being able to fully trust God.
And now we’re going to have a family day where we celebrate those we have to hold here, and those we are waiting to hold in heaven.