Ignite the Fire of Your Passion

Ignite the Fire Christian Marriage Series

Ignite the Fire Christian Marriage Series

It’s time for our Ignite the Fire Marriage blog series, with three bloggy friends! We’re all writing on the same topic today, so you can read this post and then follow the links to see their unique take on how we can ignite the fire in our marriages.

Today we’re talking about passion in marriage.

Getting More Passion in Marriage

I’ve just returned from dropping my oldest daughter off at university. The house feels empty without her here, and it will take some getting used to. I’m proud of her, but we’ll miss her terribly.

And so naturally I’m doing a little bit of a retrospective today, wondering, “should I have done that more? Or done this more?” It’s interesting the things that you regret NOT doing. I’m not beating myself up about how I should have cleaned more, or cooked more, or done any of those daily things more. I’m thinking that I should have been more spontaneous, more demonstrative, more fun. We should have had ice cream for breakfast a few more times. We should have run out and enjoyed the first day of spring a little more, instead of trying to get through all of our work. We should have curled up on her bed with hot chocolate and giggled more.

In other words, we should have experienced more of the joy of life, instead of just living it.

It’s the same with our marriages. What we regret is not savouring the moment–not taking that time to live in the passion of the moment.

When I think of the word “passion”, I think of someone experiencing something, of drinking it in. We concentrate on the senses, on the here and now, not on what we “should” be doing. To me, passion is the opposite of control. With passion we’re not thinking as much as we’re allowing ourselves to just live in the moment.

How often do you do that with your husband? How often do you just drink in his love, or his touch, or his kiss? How often do you just forget about all the “shoulds” and just play with your husband, like having a wrestling contest? How often do you allow yourselves to truly pray, to allow yourselves to be completely vulnerable together before God, without wondering if you’re doing it right?

Passion in marriage means savouring the little things. Yet we women have a hard time feeling out of control. We like to be in control of all situations. But I think when we try so hard to be in control, we often miss the beauty of the moment. And we miss the opportunity to live big.

Passion is scary, because it means being vulnerable. It means showing someone how you honestly feel. It means living large.

Certainly we need passion in the bedroom, as I’ve written about numerous times. (I am the Christian sex lady, after all!). And I think one reason we often have a hard time in the bedroom is because we’re scared of giving up control, and you can’t have a great sex life and also be a control freak. They don’t work together.

But passion in marriage is not only about the bedroom. It’s about how we live life in general. And if you’re trying too hard to control everything; if you’re trying too hard to live your life by lists and by shoulds; you may miss those moments where you’re just carried away by beauty and by feelings and by love. And we all need those moments, especially in marriage.

So how do you boost passion with your husband?

1. Carve out some time during the day when you don’t have to do anything, and just enjoy being with him. Hold his hand and concentrate on how it feels. Kiss him and concentrate on everything about that kiss–don’t overanalyze it, just experience it.

2. Breathe deeply. Smile more. Laugh more.

3. Give yourself some grace.

4. Learn how to open up and reveal a little bit more of yourself to him–and listen to a little bit more of his heart.

What so many men want is a woman who is truly present with him–not someone who is thinking about the laundry or the kids or what she should be doing. They want a woman who, in bed, is enjoying herself, not analyzing or worrying. They want a woman who can look into his eyes and just drink it in, not someone who is always criticizing or asking him to do something else on a to do list. They want a woman who wants to just BE–not someone who is always DOING.

It’s just little things, but you will never regret being more passionate, and more present, with your husband.

Probably many of you have seen this video, but it’s gone viral in the last week. This man was married to his wife Lorraine for 75 years, and after she died he wrote her a love song. The emotion is so raw, but what he says is real: Life only goes around once. Grab it while you’ve got it!

Here’s your challenge for a more passionate marriage in Week 1 of our Ignite the Fire Series:

Increase the passion in your marriage by letting yourself feel a little out of control with your husband–and a little more vulnerable. Let yourself savour with all five senses this week. Don’t worry about DOING; try, sometimes, to just BE.

My three blogging friends have also written on this today, and you can see what they have to say, too!

Courtney from WomenLivingWell, Darlene from TimeWarpWife.com, and Jennifer from UnveiledWife.com have all written awesome posts on passion! Click on through to see what they have to say.


Join us next week when we talk about how to ignite the fire of kindness in our marriages.

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.


  1. Cheap Thrills – Trashing All My Gifts

    It seems that I have been this way all my life. Too bad I’m just realizing it now when I am 60 years old. It always felt like it was up to me to please him in bed. If I failed to do that, would I be alone or rejected? That alone can be a huge motivator to “not disappoint” him.
    It happened that way right from the beginning with Tom. Then it happened with Paul. Then it happened with Joe. And it has happened for 35 years with my husband, Bill. My needs were set aside and I felt “successful” if I had adequately pleasured my man. Insecurity and immaturity along with lack of guidance will break your heart. So, basically I took my incredibly beautifully gifted body, heart, and soul that God gave me and put it in last place. I trashed a lot of gifts God gave me; sometimes I knew it right away and sometimes I did not.
    I thought that I was loved in my marriage. In fact my husband is quite fond of me. He should be – he is getting and has always gotten. The lion’s portion of satisfaction is his. On the occasions when we discussed this, he did not follow through. He did not research or try to learn. He did not ever once create a romantic environment for me or concern himself with my pleasure or even take any sensual joy in my body. No one ever has and I let it happen. Oh sure there were some perfunctory or cursory attempts by him but he does not realize how transparent and uninterested he is. If he did to me even half of what I have done for him to achieve his pleasure and sexual satisfaction, I would be so happy. Instead it is a lonely and devaluing, sometimes degrading experience and sad to turn away in frustrated quiet tears while he starts to snore. I have made an investment in lingerie, exercise, provocative dressing, books, lotions, powder, candles, music, flowers, and “camping out” in another room, just to name a few. But that is all just window dressing. I invested the deepest and best part of myself and waited for a return. Definitely it appears to have been an exercise in futility. Too bad that I relinquished cheaply the best years of my life when inside I thought I was worth much more. Self-respect?

    I always thought that alcohol was the magic “relaxer” and “enabler”. I thought it put me in the right inhibition and the right frame of mind. Of course I thought that, my partners were happy that everything physical was that easy for them and they smiled at me and physically touched me – that is success, right? Alcohol only leads you into dissipation and debauchery. I did not know what the meanings of those were till I looked them up in the dictionary. Then I was shamed beyond belief. No wonder my husband says that I am “not very attractive” when I have been drinking. But there was a time when even he enjoyed, it was all for him, it was all so I could actually do it. And I thought that was an acceptable and good thing. The problem with that is it leaves out the true, the holy, and the pure. I made decisions with alcohol that I might not have made otherwise. I made decisions without strong guidance of a father who was fine and upright and loved/cared about me. Every girl needs a father, always (not a bad father – a good father).
    It’s a hollow victory to give yourself and your gifts away thinking you will win what you most desire if you just try hard enough. It can empty the heart and darken the soul. Your worst fears have been realized, you have already gone through the best years of your life and now you are asking were you really loved?
    I am still doing all this because I don’t know another way. I wish I could have figured it out sooner. I wish a lot of things. In trying to be perfect, I ruined it unknowingly. I still at my age am not even sure all that I am missing and am shocked to find out that I have missed this much so far. Why should I feel dirty, guilty, and shameful because of any man’s needs at the expense of my own? Why should I punish myself for my perceived failure when there is no one else to punish me or tell me how bad I am?
    Regret and loneliness are entities that only true love can cure. Wish I had known to protect my heart and value myself. I was just not ready for the selfish lover and constantly giving in bed.

    The only thing worse than a selfish lover for a husband is “the TOKEN giver”. This would be the husband who feels guilty for a while after his wife says, “hey, what about me?” He will offer up small tokens of affection and become more generous to her in bed temporarily. There is no real “buy in” to her needs so for a short time her expectations are upbeat and hopeful only to crash down into disappointment when she finds that he has lost interest in her once again. He only does what is essential to get by and keep the peace. Eventually that will erode her trust in him and she will become disillusioned in her marriage. She won’t understand why he has never put forth an effort or tried to be a lover to her. She will review her inventory of wrongs to see if how bad they really are and was there something she should have done and missed? She will worry about her attractiveness and lose her confidence many times before she finally gets tired of it. She will start to wonder if someone else out there might not appreciate the fact that she will give a lot to him, has given a lot to him, and she deserves to have it come back to her. She will wonder if there are men out there that will cut their hair, clip their toenails, clean their fingernails, keep their nose hairs trimmed, brush their teeth and keep their breath fresh without being told and without reminders. She doesn’t want to be a nag, but isn’t this the same guy she is offering the best she has got to give? Then she will wonder if things will ever change. She will wonder if he feels complacent in the marriage and therefore is not in competition for her affections any more. Her trust will be broken and when she looks for holiness in her marriage, will it be there? And when he turns around some day to finally reach for her, will she be there?

    • Anonymous Also says:

      I mean this in the very best way and so that you aren’t discontent or unhappy the rest of your life. But if this is the case with 4 different men it seems to me that it might not just be the men. There is one common factor in all of those relationships and that is you. I’m sorry for your hurt, but as a former president once said if I could kick the person in the butt who caused me the most pain I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month…in other words it’s always best to look in the mirror first. God bless and I wish you happiness in the remaining and hopefully happy years of you life.

      • Absolutely I realize that it is my fault and comes from a long history. I would never recommend to any young woman out there to make the choices I did. All my insecurities and immaturities tripped me up constantly. I would have loved to have known the Lord sooner and/or had a family (father figure) to help me establish a firm foundation of morals. My husband had lead me to believe he was interested in investing in us and working on the passion in our marriage – but that does not seem to be coming true. It’s all an up hill struggle right now. I spend a lot of time with Jesus in the mornings and hold nothing back. I am brutally honest with HIm and I know He has somehow got this and someday it will be right again. But, that does not shield me from getting hurt. I wonder what being “cherished” feels like. Thank you for your comments and your blessings.

  2. Thank you Shelia, I enjoyed reading this, and I love making time with my husband.
    God gave me a gift and I am learning to take care of him as he take care of me.

  3. Thank you for writing this. I am grateful I found it as I really needed to read it at this time in my life. Your message touched my heart…thank you.

  4. Hi Sheila! I love your posts and honest insight! This one really spoke to me, as I found myself guilty of putting my husband on the backburner and letting the passion dwindle. :( Thankfully I was convicted, and I decided to join in on this challenge! I wrote about it here. http://lifeofaministermom.com/2013/09/04/dont-overlook-affection/. By the way, this video and Fred’s story just touches my heart!!

    Blessings to you!


  5. We live separately due to my work/study commitments at the moment. Living away from each other has made us closer! Everytime we are together, we treasure it! Absence makes the heart grow so much fonder!

  6. I love your blog. It truly has helped me to experience sex as God intended us to by getting out of my head. Thank you for givinge a pure place to learn more a out sex.

  7. Since my husband got a kindle and we both have phones we don’t have the relationship. We used to have. And I can’t get him to pay attention to me or my children. He fights against me when I mention it and he expects me to have more passion in the bedroom even when I barely get attention. I miss our passion. My desire this year is to connect more on many levels. I’m tired of living separate.

Comment Policy: Please stay positive with your comments. If your comment is rude, it gets deleted. Any comment that espouses an anti-marriage philosophy (eg. porn, adultery, abuse and the like) will be deleted. If it is critical, please make it constructive. If you are replying to another commenter, please be polite and don't assume you know everything about his or her situation. If you are constantly negative or a general troll, you will get banned. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Sheila Wray Gregoire owns the copyright to all comments and may publish them in whatever form she sees fit. She agrees to keep any publication of comments anonymous, even if you are not anonymous on this board.

Leave a Comment


CommentLuv badge