26 responses

  1. Pregnant and Huge
    September 25, 2013

    What do you do when you are 9 months pregnant, huge and sex is very uncomfortable, to say the least? We don’t have sex nearly as often as I think we should, but right now it’s so awkward and can be painful for me. Another month of pregnancy and another month after baby is born is not fair to my husband. What do I do?

    • J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
      September 25, 2013

      Sheila, have you written about this? I’ve written a post for new moms: http://www.hotholyhumorous.com/2012/04/month-without-sex-advice-for-new-moms.html. Some of the tips there would be applicable to pregnancy as well. Hang in there and congratulations, Pregnant and Huge! (Although I’m sure you’re not nearly as huge as you feel. :) )
      J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Where Have I Been?!!My Profile

    • Danielle B
      September 30, 2013

      Intercourse is not the only thing you can do!! There is oral, a hand job. Be creative! And is never waited the 6 weeks after delivery! Once I was done bleeding I was ready!

      Don’t leave your husband hanging!

  2. Jody
    September 25, 2013

    Coconut oil is a natural lubricant that would help things be less painful and spooning or woman on top should help with the belly in the way. The end of my second pregnancy was that way. And there are pregnancy benefits to sex – per my Dr. It helps to thin the cervix. Many blessing as you finish this amazing journey.

  3. happywife
    September 25, 2013

    Great questions! Here’s where I think we are.
    #1. We’re at about 2x per week. I’d like a bit more, but he seems content so I’m good with that.
    #2 Not a ton of variety, but not a,b,c.. done either. I actually feel that our best sex is when we are in the familiar positions. Trying new things is great, but it doesn’t always yield the most satisfying results.. probably because we’re distracted by trying to figure things out.
    #3. yes. definitely, yes.
    #4. I think so. It seems that we are more playful and flirtatious when our sex life is in a good place. When things start to slide, so does our friendship.
    #5. Not a ton, but sometimes if we pray before going to sleep, we thank God for our intimacy. A while back when things weren’t the greatest in this area, I made a point of praying over our bed whenever I’d make it in the morning or change the sheets. I guess I shouldn’t stop that practice just because things are in a better place.
    #6. hmmm, have to think on that one. We don’t together seek out books or classes or conversations. I read blogs, but my husband doesn’t. Our own communication between ourselves is good though regarding sex. And at least once a day we have a kid yelling at us to “stop!… that’s inappropriate!…. ” haha… (mostly regarding comments we throw at each other or kitchen kissing :-)

  4. emily
    September 25, 2013

    I am new to this blog and found it through looking for resources on renewing passion in my marriage. I TOTALLY agree with #6 – I know in my own life, growing up with very conservative Christian values on sex, that I have almost had to reprogram my mind now that I am married. So many years of hearing “wait until marriage” that even flirting sometimes felt wrong. It’s been helpful to have positive messages in the past 2 weeks of my own personal renewal – it’s freeing, and given me context and vocabulary to talk more openly with my husband, as well as try a variety of new ideas. Sufficed to say, he’s thrilled. :)

  5. Kim Adams Morgan
    September 25, 2013

    Sheila, I just love this post. Sex and intimacy is so important in a marriage. If this area of your marriage is working well, it makes the other areas so much easier sometimes. I always pray for the Lord to sustain our intimacy and I thank Him for our love and intimacy. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain as life gets busy. You have to work at it.
    Kim Adams Morgan recently posted…Do You Struggle With Codependency?My Profile

  6. P
    September 25, 2013

    I do not agree that variety is essential. We always use the same position but each and every time it is a thrilling and fulfilling experience.

  7. Anonymous
    September 25, 2013

    This comment is going to be anonymous because I don’t like discussing intimate stuff too much.

    I feel that getting too specific with “your sex life should be like this” advice isn’t helpful. How often a couple has sex and how much variety they have only matters to two people in the entire world: the husband and the wife. If their sex life is great doing the same position all the time or having sex less than once a week, who can tell them they’re doing it wrong and not having the best sex life they can have? Only the couple knows what’s best for them. I really appreciated this blog post from Tim Challies on not advising couples on how often they should have sex: http://www.challies.com/christian-living/keeping-intimate-details-intimate

    Reading posts advising that you need to have sex AT LEAST once a week (but implying that people with REALLY good marriages do it much more often) always made me feel horrible and like my marriage must not be that great since there are seasons when we don’t have sex very often. But when I examine my marriage, I know that it’s great and both of us are really happy with our sex life. So apparently not having sex very often (according to J’s definition of “often”) does not doom your marriage to failure if both of you are happy with it.

    • Sheila
      September 25, 2013

      Anonymous, on the whole I would agree with you–IF two people are happy, then that’s fine. However, a big caution here: in the surveys that I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, what I found on the whole was that one person may be happy with the frequency, but the other really wasn’t. It usually was the wife who wanted less and the husband who wanted more, though it at times was the other way around. But the survey found that about two thirds of men were really, really unhappy, and felt that they could do nothing about it.

      Also, surveys do find that couples who make love more frequently do also tend to be happier. The more frequent the sex, the happier the couple, though this effect wears off around the 3-4 times a week amount. Couples who make love daily do not tend to be happier than those who make love 2-3 times a week, but couples who make love 2-3 times a week are happier than those who make love once a week, and vastly happier than those who make love once a month. Again, these are statistics; that does not mean they are true for EVERY couple, but the trend is definitely in that direction.

      So I think that frequency, in general, IS a very important issue when it comes to marital happiness, and we do need to talk about it, because from what I’ve found, many, many women are perfectly happy with once a month, while very, very few men are. I think women really need to be told this, and just saying, “have sex more frequently” doesn’t do that, because they could be thinking, “we DO have sex frequently!”, since frequency is entirely relative.

      Again, if a couple is happy the way things are, that’s perfectly fine. But I would caution spouses to make sure that this is really the case. Sometimes people just don’t speak up and say that they aren’t happy, even when they’re hurting. So a frank discussion about this is always a good thing, to make sure you are on the same page.

      • Megan
        September 25, 2013

        I, for one, appreciate the specific frequency discussion because somehow I came into womanhood and married life under the impression that sex was something couples did a couple of times a month. And I thought my husband was awful for wanting it more. LOTS more. ;) Just adjusting my mindset to the idea that “regular sex” is 2-3 times a week, not twice a month has helped us immensely (but I didn’t hear that from anyone but my “sex-crazed” husband until about yr 7 of our marriage.. wish someone had been more specific early in my marriage! We DO need to talk about it!

      • Megan
        September 26, 2013

        Another Megan here to ditto what the first Megan said. ;-) Shelia, I really appreciated the specific frequency discussion too. I have been married 11 years, and you are the first person I’ve encountered who would actually get into specifics in this area. I think it’s so helpful! In my case, my husband and I have a wonderful relationship, but our frequency is fairly low. Although our marriage is doing great now (we have the friendship part nailed :-) ), our frequency is something both of us want to improve. We are both happy with the current state, but we also understand that sex is very important to our marriage and neglecting it can be harmful down the road. While I’m not going to stress about it, the goal of once a week will now be in the back of my mind. I like your idea of asking “why not?” instead of “why?”

  8. Michael Rittenhouse
    September 25, 2013

    5. Have we prayed about our sexual intimacy?

    I think we should popularize the phrase “Have sex with God.”

    He sees all and knows all, anyway. We might as well invite him into the bedroom with us.


  9. Christie Martin @ Garden of Holiness
    September 25, 2013

    Prayer truly is the answer to everything. Isn’t it funny that praying to the Creator of Sex feels so funny?
    Christie Martin @ Garden of Holiness recently posted…40 Days and 3 Ways to Improve Your MarriageMy Profile

    • Christie Martin @ Garden of Holiness
      September 25, 2013

      How embarrassing that I capitalized the word Sex. Please don’t read anything into that! *blushes and giggles*
      Christie Martin @ Garden of Holiness recently posted…40 Days and 3 Ways to Improve Your MarriageMy Profile

  10. Mai
    September 25, 2013

    We are married for 2 years and this is the only time that we’re starting our lives to be TOGETHER as married couple. Due to migration process, it’s hard to see each other often and it took us ONLY twice a year to see one another. I could say that we are happy and contented with all the aspects of our lives cuz of the closeness and intimacy we had now that we’re finlly together (we are now 2 weeks being together in US). :D Life is Good! God is GREAT!
    Mai recently posted…3 Ways to Love Your Man When You Don’t Have 3 Minutes to SpareMy Profile

  11. Cassie
    September 26, 2013

    I say sex should be more than once a week! It’s way too much fun! :)
    Cassie recently posted…What it Takes to be an IronmanMy Profile

  12. Anon
    October 27, 2013

    We have been married @ 7 years – in 40’s –
    Blended family. We have sex MAYBE 2 times a month ( average 7 percent a year! ) I’m not happy and I’ve talked and talked to my husband about this. He says ok … He says he wants it more… But a quickie is what he wants. Do I continue living unhappily or..?

  13. Jeannie Sims
    March 10, 2014

    Thank you for this great post! My husband and me just read this together and ended up having a great discussion. I pray about our marital intimacy often. In the 10 years together, I’ve never achieved orgasm…not through any means. It has nothing to do with me not enjoying sex…I totally do…but for some reason, I just can’t. We we talked about this and prayed about it, but I always feel that I’m missing out on something–and that it’s never as fun for me as it could be. Do you have any advice on how to help with this or these feelings?

    • Kendall
      March 11, 2014

      Jeannie – I deal with this same problem. I firmly believe that for women (or in my case, anyway), achieving orgasm is 99.9% mental. Of the HANDFUL of times I’ve been able to do so, I was holding onto a very certain thought (fantasy) and there had to be just the right repetitive motion, for a good five minutes. TMI, I know, sorry. But even knowing this, it is still hard for me to get into that frame of mind and make it happen. For a while I would mentally tell myself “I’m going to have one tonight” and the positiveness and certainty of that thought really helped me to get there. And I should mention, I have NO problem getting there on my own, when I’m alone. Knowing this, there can’t be anything physically wrong with my ability to have them, and it must be mental. Maybe yours is mental too? I know a lot of my inability comes from me being self-conscious about my body and a lot of “how do I look from this angle?”. Stuff like that doesn’t help! Anyway, hope that random mind-dump helps somehow. :)

  14. Broken Heart
    March 27, 2014

    To Anon posting 27 October 2013 – this was my situation and I’m sorry no-one has replied to you. Is your husband using porn? Sheila has also posted some useful blogs on this so keep trawling her site :)
    To Jeannie and Kendall, this will be heart-breaking for your husband. Thanks for your honesty and I would urge you to work out where your mental blocks are. Again, I’m sure Sheila had some posts on this, so read up, pray, on your own and with your husband and get moving towards pleasure, which will be for both of you!

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