Reader Question: My Husband Is Lazy and Won’t Get a Job

Reader Question: My husband is lazy and won't get a job!Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that I often get variations of: “My husband won’t get a job”!

My husband, whom I love very much, recently quit his job to study to get his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma). I have been very supportive and gently reminding him that he needs to study. If he doesn’t study, he turns around and blames me, saying that it’s my responsibility to get him to study. He has no handicaps or learning disabilities. I’m really busy caring for children and aging relatives, and I’m finding this very stressful. If I bring it up he gets defensive. What do I do?

It’s similar to this email that I received:

Two years ago my husband was laid off. For the first two months he tried to find another job, but he’s since given up. He sits around and plays video games all day. We lost our house and we’re living in a friend’s basement right now with our three little kids. I can’t go to work because I’m nursing a baby, but he has no motivation to get up and find a job. He just says there aren’t any out there, but if I tell him about places that are hiring he huffs off and leaves the room.

This is a tough one, because we can’t force someone to do what we want them to do, but at the same time it sounds as if these men are not fulfilling a basic role that is agreed upon when you get married: I will work to make a life together.

So let me offer a few thoughts today for those of you who feel that your husband is lazy and refuses to work.

What Do You Do if Your Husband Won't Get a Job? Some thoughts.Working (Having a Job) is Part of the Marriage Contract

Perhaps we don’t vow it in the same that we vow “forsaking all others”, but it’s implicitly understood in the marriage contract that we are a team that will now be independent and care for ourselves. This doesn’t mean that both of you will work outside the home; but it does mean that both of you will WORK: One of you may work a paid job, and the other may be home caring for children and the home, but in general, both of you are contributing to the family.

I really don’t think that anyone would disagree with that, unless they think that the government should be paying their way. We know that we each have responsibilities in marriage.

I imagine that if you talked to these two men they would likely agree in principle, too. They would simply tell you why for them that won’t work: there are no jobs out there for my skill level; I’m not a “school” kind of person so I can’t study; etc. etc. They know that in general people should work; they just can tell you a million reasons why for them that isn’t true. Is your husband just lazy? Maybe. But perhaps it’s also that they’re just depressed, or scared, or nervous, and they can’t deal with that so they do nothing at all.

Does Your Husband Need Help and Encouragement to Get a Job?

Have you ever had to do something and the thought just scared you so much you ran away from it? It just seemed like too big a task and you didn’t even know where to begin. I know I’m like that with some areas of my house. Right now my storage room is such a mess that the thought of even beginning to clean it is overwhelming.

I think some guys are like that when it comes to studying/getting a job, too. Where do you start? The resume? Trying to find interviews? Trying to find openings? It’s staggering. And how long will it take to get a job?

And because it’s all tied up in their idea of manhood, too, it’s really scary to think about. If they try and fail it’s almost worse than not trying at all.

Perhaps you can help by talking to him and breaking it down into bite sized pieces for him. For studying for the GED, for instance, maybe you could make a schedule about what to study when. Perhaps he doesn’t even know how to begin. What I do when I’m helping my girls study is take an endpoint and then work backwards. So pick a date when he’ll write the exam, and then figure out what he has to do between now and that date, and divide it up into tiny, bite sized chunks. So today he’ll study pages 20-30 out of the GED review book for math. And then figure out a reward: once you’re done studying, we’ll all go to the park, or I’ll make cookies, or something.

With jobs it could be the same thing. Maybe he feels his resume isn’t good enough but he doesn’t know where to start. Maybe he doesn’t even know what kind of job he’s looking for. Again, break it down into small chunks, and ask yourself: which of these chunks can I do for him? Perhaps you could say to him: you call these five people that we know who may know of job openings and arrange to meet them for coffee this week, and I’ll research how to write resumes and I’ll make you a top-notch one, and ask Mr. X from church, who runs human resources for a big company, to look at it and tell us if it’s a good resume or not.

So instead of nagging him, you’re coming alongside him and cheering him on and helping him–kind of like you’re in NASCAR and he’s the race car driver, but you’re the guys who work in the pits. So you’re the one making sure everything is well oiled and he has everything he needs. You could even talk to him like this and see if it helps.

Set Deadlines and Goals for Him Looking for a Job

If you’ve done this, and he still isn’t motivated to do anything, then speak to him about having a deadline which, if things don’t change, you will start changing them. For instance, you could say, “If you don’t have a job by December, then in January I’m going back to work and you’ll have to look after the kids.” You can’t live on people’s charity forever. It’s just not right. You can’t live in a friend’s basement; it’s not good to live in a parent’s house forever.

Now, there would be a caveat: if he genuinely is trying, and there just simply aren’t jobs in his field right now, but there are likely to be soon, then perhaps staying in a family home for a time really is the only thing you can do. In that case, it’s not that he isn’t engaged in trying to find a job; it’s that he genuinely can’t (and that very well may be true). In the above emails, though, the problem was more that the husband was refusing to work or doing nothing to move towards that goal, and that’s a problem.

If you are going to be the one going to work, then he needs to understand what it is that he will be expected to do with the kids. Lay out a daily schedule of what needs to be done so that he sees it in black and white.

Accept the Possibility That He May Be a Stay At Home Dad

Perhaps it could be that you need to go out and work, and he needs to stay and care for the kids. That may not be ideal, and it may not be what you wanted. Maybe you did always want to be a stay at home mom. But if you have skills right now where it’s easier for you to get a job than it is for him to get a job, or if he can only find a part-time job, so you need your income to supplement, then that may be what you need to do. You are a team, and you have to figure out a way to bring in some money.

If Your Husband Won’t Get a Job, He Still Has to Work

If you follow this route, though, it needs to be understood that you will not be carrying two loads. Your husband can’t refuse to work altogether. I have known women who have gone to work who have also had to  put their kids in day care because the husband wouldn’t/couldn’t look after them during the day. He found it too hard. You both need to work; one (or both) bring in money, and one (or both) care for the kids. If your husband won’t work, let him know that’s not an option.

I have also known men who have carried two loads. They work full-time, and then they get home and she has done very little during the day except for making sure the kids were safe. The house is a mess. There is no dinner on. And that’s not fair, either. I’ve found that thinking of motherhood as a job description helps me tremendously. If he’s working, I should be, too, and vice versa. A husband shouldn’t be lazy, but neither should a wife. Staying at home with the kids is not an excuse to do nothing.

If He Doesn’t Agree to Get a Job, Get Outside Help

Finally, if he just doesn’t agree, or you can’t get him to put the video games down and work at something, I’d talk to a mentor couple, a pastor, or a counselor. As I wrote before, you are a spouse, you are not an enabler. If a man is refusing to do any work at all, and is acting like an adolescent, this isn’t something you can tolerate. It endangers the family; it endangers your relationship; but it also seriously endangers his own walk with God. He needs someone to come alongside him and tell him to “put up or shut up”. So read that post about how to get help if he just won’t do it.

Living with someone who doesn’t have a job is tough, and so many of us are going through it. A lot of guys are really depressed in this economy, and they are feeling like they’re not worth much of anything, which can get them on a downward spiral of trying even less. It’s so hard to watch, but it’s also really hard when you’re bearing the brunt of it. As much as possible, keep working on your friendship so that you can talk about it. Express your faith in him (without babying him). But do make plans, and do set goals, and be on his team so he that he can see his way forward. Maybe he just needs someone cheering him on!

I hope that helps, and if anyone else has ever had a husband who refused to work at a job or at school, please leave a comment and tell us how it ended up for you!


  1. About 2 years ago, my husband lost his job and was unemployed for two months. Let me just say that my husband has an incredible work ethic- he never misses work, ever. But, At this time we were dating and I had a full time job that paid well. I was very surprised at his reaction when he lost his job. He wasn’t motivated to find a new job, he seemed to just give up. He ended up totally “checking out”, not wanting to talk to me or come see me and I got scared. He wouldn’t accept unemployment either. I did break up with him at the end of those two months because I was scared and thought that he wasn’t who I thought he was. (However, two months later I called him and we got back together, and a year later we were married (this past Dec.)) :) anyway, A few months ago he was working a horrible graveyard shift Job where he was severely underpaid and not treated well. I helped him get a full time job with the State (it’s very secure and he loves it). I’m more aggressive than he is so I was applying for jobs for him during the day (while he had to sleep for work at night) and he would review and sign them. I was frustrated but I felt this I’d what I had to do to help him because his job was physically and mentally draining (he worked at a chemical plant and the conditions were questionable). especially because on the weekend his hours would “flip” to spend time with me- he’d be awake during the day and sleep at night just to sleep all day Sunday to go to work Sunday night. It was pretty rough but he finally landed a full time day job in April. And just last night he said that his life is so much better since he married me cause I helped him with finding his job, planning for the future, etc. :) I felt that I was helping him by applying for jobs for him because I already worked for the State and I knew how the process worked- not to mention it’s VERY tough to land a State job here. We found out for the position he got they had about 200 applications! I think this job gave him the boost he needed- he’s only been there four months and he’s talking about wanting a manager job maybe next year to help provide for us and our future family :)

    • Your comment is awaiting moderation.

      I am in the same situation in that my husband was laid off nine months ago. His ending salary was just over $90,000 per year so we are feeling the pain HARD. I have a good job too, but my husband was always the primary provider making the most money and you just can’t lose that amount of money and stay floating in most situations.

      We have gone through all of our liquid savings three months ago which means that now things have to start being sold off. I just sold one of our three cars (3 because we each had one for work and we have a son in college who has an older used car he commutes with). I have taken on an extra part-time job just to keep my son in college which means I’m working one full-time and one part-time right now. I had to sell the house and go into a rental situation just this month over his amotivational attitude. My heart is broken. My heart is broken not because we are losing things, or even our financial ground, but because he doesn’t care we are losing our security and finances and we are approaching old age. I have kidney disease and an autoimmune disease that has been flaring up due to the excess work load and increased stress. I worked last month despite a severe kidney infection and outbreak of shingles that included my eyes, yet he sits home watching the Food Network all day.

      We’ve been married for 23-years, but I will not allow this to go beyond twelve months. I simply won’t. This is a time limit I have set in my own mind and I intend to stick to it. I will not divorce him because of my religious beliefs and the fact I love him, but I will take a stand and move with our son to a home of our own which will force him to get a job or he won’t eat and presumably will be homeless. I simply don’t know what else to do.

      So, my advice to you, and to myself, is to accept that you cannot change human behavior, but you CAN change your reaction to human behavior which will in turn force the other person to react in one way or another. If we quit supporting them by asking them to leave the home then they will have to sink or swim, but they won’t be playing video games or watching the Food Network all day any longer. This much I do know.

      I know it’s a scary step and not for everyone, but if you aren’t willing to do something to change it then you can’t really whine about it anymore either.

      • When I married my husband, he was ineligible to work because he did not have a green card. I thought as soon as he got his green card, he would work. As it turned out, he decided to train for the D-League. We went to the tryouts and he was not accepted. I continued to work under a harsh tyrant of a boss for another year, something my husband and I had not agreed to. During the last eight months, I had multiple breakdowns and ended up being recommended for partial hospitalization after being unable to report to work for a few days. During this time, my husband watched me break down. He would pray for me, he would fast for me, but he refused to own his responsibility to provide. His mother has always supported him and even has supported his daughter. Lately, it seems he has had a shift in attitude, seemingly admitting that he must be the primary provider, but spending a lot of time in God’s presence as opposed to getting out there to pound the pavement. I think it’s important to seek God’s direction, but also I am a firm believer in action. Now he wants both of us to look for work simultaneously. I have told him that I will look for work after he finds work. I do not want to return to the way things were. If I get work, I am afraid the financial pressure will ease and he will go back to coasting. We are under tremendous financial pressure. I told him I would write until he found work and that if he had an issue with that, we could go see the Pastor. He is clearly disgruntled. My first husband, though not a Christian until six and one-half weeks before the Lord took him home, was a tremendous provider. My current husband doesn’t seem to have that same burden. I refuse to let him watch me nearly self-destruct in a horrific job situation again. I am praying that God will sustain his awareness that he MUST be the primary provider and that, eventually, the Holy Spirit will help him to OWN his responsibility.

      • Dear AJ
        I too have a husband like yours I almost cried hearing youe story and in a way it brought me comfort knowing I wasnt alone. Ive been married 30 years my husband was laid off going on two years now. I work for my father part time and im his caregiver. I run his business work side jobs and take care of my fatber take care of my five children and know exactly how u feel. I have finally hit the end of my road I decided to move out and go live with my father and im taking my two youngest children with me. I feel angry with him that I have to do this but if i don’t change something then nothing will ever change. Im the one that worries about how to get groceries and to buy clothes shoes etc for my kids my older kids work all five of my children work and all have helped keep us in our home but they have student loans to pay and some are still in school and im so angry that he feels no shame that all my kids and myslef work and he doesnt. Even my 16 yr old does lawns to pay for the things he needs. He was never extemely helpful to begin with and when he got laid off he wouldnt even make dinner or clean up and I too have been sick and got shingles twice! It hurts me to have to do this and leave my home just to get him to do something but I have talked with him encouraged him shown him jobs gotten angry cried tried to make him see what it was doing to me. I have become a very depressed angry and stressed out person and I feel very alone when it comes to solving problems and it sucks!
        Let me add that he was a mamas boy and still is and I believe this has made things worse because his mom sends him a check every month which I dont see any of it. His mom doesnt speek to me…thats a whole other story so for me leaving is the only option. I figure if his maid is gone he will have to figure things out for himself and hopefully change. The hardest part for me is leaving my older kids and my home. It wasnt a random decision its been over two years to decide to finally do this. I hope ur situation changes and your husband wakes up before he looses you and everything else ….

    • You call lazy your husband, maybe, but are lazy who born and never work, like two I know, a man 25 big man but super lazy and a second 23 old woman look for SS. Many peoples was look for job and can’t found, but what about illegals? what about smart lazy? what about older must support a youngers? Gov must close down Welfare, are a lot of woman have a many child but don’t won work,close down welfare, food stamp, section 8, force all lazy go work and paid back all wrong money collect from tax payer. I hate lazy, I am 66 and disable, but must doing what another 25 lazy sleep all day, and come down for food, it not right.Destroy welfare, no work? no eat and sleep in a street. I no have any compasion for lazy.

  2. We’ve been through this, and you hit the nail on the head! My husband worked to support us when we first got married and I was finishing college, but we moved after I graduated so I could go to grad school and it took a long time for him to start looking for another job. We were ok living on my fellowship, but we don’t have kids yet, so he didn’t have much work to do at home and spent lots of time playing video games. I wish I had learned how to deal with it sooner. I was so frustrated and I felt like I was enabling him to waste his time, but for some reason I thought if I helped him find a job, I would be babying him. He needed to do it on his own, I thought. I didn’t want to act like his mother. But we’re a team! It turns out it was exactly what you said: he was so nervous to do the initial searching and interviewing, getting a job seemed too overwhelming. He needed encouragement and help, not more weight. I know exactly what it feels like to have something seem too scary you don’t even know where to start and you don’t want to try! I wish I had realized sooner that it wasn’t laziness on his part, he just needed a partner who was on his side instead of someone being judgmental. Now the job he got has given him the confidence to go back to school too, even though applying and auditioning still seems like scary work. This time though, I know that my job as his wife is to help him and he knows he can come to me for that help and encouragement :)

  3. I agree with Courtney too- I didn’t want to be his mom so to speak- but soon I realized he was just overwhelmed at the process, where as I jumped at every job apication I could find when I was applying for my job. It was very difficult at times especially because he would play video games during his downtime and I would feel so angry because he could be spending that time applying for jobs. It was a tough process but we came out of it a lot stronger and more understanding of how the other one works. We are opposites so it’s challenging but so worth it :)

  4. happywife says:

    Well, to the first wife, no, it isn’t your responsibility to get him to study. Yes, you can create an environment that allows him quiet time (take the kids to the park for a couple hours, don’t keep presenting him with ‘honey do tasks’), but it isn’t your job to say “okay, it’s time to study now.” Especially since he’s not responding to your encouragement to study in the first place. I would sit him down and tell him “Sweetie, I’m more than happy to arrange my day to allow you study time. Just let me know when you want the house quiet. But telling you that you need to study is really not being respectful of you. I know that you are capable of managing your own time, and I’m sorry that I’ve not shown you respect when I tell you that you need to study” If he still insists that it’s your job to tell him to study, say, “No, we’ve tried that and it wasn’t working for us. I trust you to do the studying you need to do, and I will support you by keeping the kids out of your hair and not asking you to do a bunch of stuff around the house.” Having said that, I do see value in Sheila’s advice to sit down and help him set out a study schedule IF he is willing to do that. But that is way different that you simply telling him that he needs to study. I just know that with my husband, we approach things quite differently and he wouldn’t respond at all to my “oh so wise” time management plan. Sometimes the best course of action is to let them learn by trial and error and offer insight when they ask for it.
    If he chooses to not study and doesn’t pass, he’s learned a valuable lesson. Tough, but valuable, and since you’ve removed yourself from the responsibility of getting him to study, he can’t blame you if he doesn’t pass. (although he’ll probably try)
    Honestly, I don’t even tell my high school kids when to study. It’s their classes, they manage their time….. that’s just how we roll around here.

  5. To the second wife….I have exclusively breastfed 3 children while working, it is a pain but it can be done. Maybe you don’t want to work and/or you and your husband have agreed you don’t have to while you have a baby, which is fine. But with a good breast pump, you can still make sure your baby gets breast milk if you decide to work.

  6. We own a farm and have a contracting business to supplement our farm income. But this is seasonal and weather dependent, we often talk about heading to another area during our slow season but there always seems to be a reason not too. I often get frustrated by this, because I am the one who sees the bills and has to make ends meet, and talk to the bank when things get overdue etc. I have often offered to find work, but he wont hear of it, he is very old fashioned and believes that the wife should be the keeper at home.

    My husband has a back injury which makes him very slow in the mornings till his pain relief kicks in. sometimes the day does not start till nearly lunch time. I find it helpful to ask the night before what the plan is for tomorrow, then get the day started early enough with breakfast and early medication. Start with small steps, as has already been said. Also having a budget and knowing how much money we need each week helps. To be able to say, we need $??? this week and it is already Wednesday, how are we going to do this, can make a difference. The Bible says that if you don’t work you should not eat, and he who does not provide for his household is worse than an infidel. We have always lived by this motto, even though at times it has been very hard. My advice from experience is love your husband, respect him, you are his wife not his mother. But if he wont or cant work, you have to. Maybe find something you can do from home, always be on the look out for how you can make and save money. At the moment I milk cows, raise calves, pigs, and chickens. Grow some of our veges and make soap. the soap brings in a bit of pocket money, which at times is what puts fuel in our cars. All the rest enables us to eat like kings on a very limited budget. I realize that not everybody can do this, but there is no excuse for not doing what you can with what you have got.

    I know all this has already been said so has the last thing that I am going to say, you both have to work. where ever it is.

    • One more thing, in my mind, if you can afford video games, you should be able to afford a place of your own. My mentality is that video games are a luxury of luxuries and should be at the bottom of the priority list, if there is a need that would be the first thing on my for sale list. Sorry if this is negative or offensive.

      • Well, I suppose someone could go and sell everything, but trying to sell a video game used isn’t going to really net you a luxury profit, so I see why many people would keep their gaming consoles and games until they do get a job. I think the issue for some would lie in the escapism of playing video games endlessly while job applications or studying wait. And that’s really a personal issue some people need to work through if they have a job, or not, live in a friend’s basement, or have a McMansion.
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        • I’m in a similar boat…I don’t want to go into all the details but right now I am planning to cancel the cable TV if only so my husband has nothing to do and will apply for jobs. If he has things distracting him that he can use as an excuse, take it away and save some money too.

          • My husband had a sore on his toe that would not heal due to diabetes. Its been healed now for several months. He has been out of work for a year. All the does is sit in front of his computer and play an online mmorpg, with a couple women he talks to all day…….
            I’m about fed up with I’m and I’m going to move out and leave him here alone. :) Lets see him pay the bills then.

      • It’s true.

  7. I do agree that it is possible to nurse a baby and work full-time. I did it. You do need to invest in a good double pump. (Medela has a great one – or at least did several years ago.) I can also relate to the job for husband’s difficulty. It really helps men to be able to support their family in every way. I have been in a marginally similar situation and it is tough. However, the real reason I am posting is the overwhelmed storage shed! I have a friend who decluttered her basement by going downstairs and looking at what she could see and making a plan for those items (keep, give away, throw away). She then would allocate some time to go do one item at a time. It might be move it to an identified temporary area, or toss in the garbage. Then she was done for the day. (One is always allowed to do more, but must do the minimum daily!) She emptied and cleaned the entire basement in less time than she imagined was possible. I have done the same thing with a room. My rule was never walk by the room without dealing with one item in one of the boxes (and there were a lot!) Now sometimes, that wasn’t possible, but a lot of the time it was. The room was emptied and useable in fairly short order.

  8. My husband graduated from college last May. Currently I am in a contract with my job which I have 1 year left on. My husband has been looking for a job that fits his degree in the line of work he would like. According to my husband, there is not really anything in the job market for his degree in the town we are living in and he doesn’t want to settle for the minimum wage job since he has his degree now. He’s looked at a couple of potential jobs, researches them and decides that the wage isn’t that great. I think to some extent, he knows how much I make and thinks he should make at least as much as I do.
    How long do I wait and be supportive of him in finding his “dream job” and maybe suggesting that it’s ok to tell him that maybe he needs to reevaluate what he’s looking for for the time being and realizing he may not get the top notch paying job immediately? I’ve thought multiple times to suggest that he could get a job that sounds interesting enough and to keep looking for another one since it seems he feels like a failure for not having a full time job?

    • Sarah – could you guys sit down and talk about a deadline so to speak? Like, “try out this job for 6 months and then see what you want to do.” I did the same thing with my husband….except he ended up liking the pay and the job enough to stay. It took quite a bit of nudging (and silently arguing with him) to get him in gear.

      I do understand about him not wanting minimum wage jobs. My husband didn’t either. However I researched different job websites and found quite a few jobs between a certain pay range. They were a variety of jobs but it had the pay range he wanted. Eventually he got motivated and we worked together to find him a new job.

      • I know this post comes late, but my husband never did white collar work he was always more of a blue collar type of guy ( delivery truck driver, pressure washer, etc). We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years and he has been unemployed for 2 of them. My husband is the videographer at our church and is very talented. He produces the commercials and films and edits the show for television. He is so good that when he told me he wanted to do it full time and work for himself, I agreed to him quitting his job and getting his business license. I have no idea what happened, but after he quit his job his motivation to perfect his business has diminished. I can literally count on one hand the number of projects he did in 2 years! I just had a baby 4 months ago and the whole time I was pregnant he still had no motivation to work. I don’t get it, he is so talented! I have been working since 2 months postpartum and he stays home with the baby. I hate that he gets to stay home with our daughter and not me . He says he will get a job since his business isn’t working out. But that has been fruitless. He was working on his CDL since I found out I was pregnant and he still doesn’t have it. I told him he needs to do something soon since we want a house. Please help!

        • Shadey- I know this post comes late, but I had to reply to your comment because your situation mirrors mine EXACTLY!!!! My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have been married 4 years. He also was a blue collar type of guy when we meet and is also the videographer at our church. He produces the tv show, commercials, etc. He is extremely talented and has his business license too! He is so good that I also agreed that he could quit his job and persue his skill full time. The second he quit his job,however, he also lost confidence in his self!!! I don’t know what happend. I make decent money so I have been supporting us for the past 3 years since he quit his job. I can literally count on one hand the amount of jobs that he’s done in those 3 years! I had our fist child last year and during my pregnancy he said he was going to get his CDL license. But that too has been unfruitful! After I gave birth, I stayed home for 2 months for maternity leave and he still had no motivation to do anything. During that time I got so mad watching him do nothing I slightly lost respect, because now we have a child and you still don’t want to do anything to make their future better! After that, I returned to work mad, because he was the one that got to stay home with the baby and he had no experience with babies. So he had to learn quickly. It’s now been a year and he says that he will continue to get his CDL and bring in some income since his business isn’t working out. I told him he needs to do that soon, because we just closed on a house and I will not be paying for this by myself! Maybe your husband, like mine, got scared once they decided to do videography full time. Running a business is hard work, especially when its your own. Because when you’re your own boss you must motivate yourself or the work won’t get done, which means you don’t make any money! Perhaps this was a lot for them to realize at first. I know they have talent, but they need the drive also to make that talent a successful business. I told my husband he needs to find a job in the mean time. Hopefully while working for someone else he can see what is neccessary for him to work for himself.

  9. I am in the same boat and am in desperate need of encouragement and advice. Please!

    When my husband and I first got engaged, I had just lost my job teaching at a private school and so we agreed to buckle down financially and use almost all of our savings in order to allow me to go back to get my Master’s so I was more marketable and was certified to teach in public schools. After working my buns off, I graduated from a two-year program in one year and am now teaching high school. Meanwhile, my husband was working as an auditor at a public accounting firm and was miserable. He had been looking for jobs for about a year but since he didn’t have his CPA (and had already dumped literally thousands of dollars down the drain taking and failing CPA exams for which he had not studied well enough), no one was interested. Then, he started allowing his work to suffer, ostensibly for the sake of his desperate job search– coming in late or leaving early, taking off or claiming he was working from home (but then not really getting much actual work done), and missing deadlines. Only six months after I was hired, he was fired.

    That was in February. Together, we decided that, while he would continue the job hunt, the wisest course of action was for him to take this time to pass the CPA exams so he was more marketable. We calculated how long we could survive on my salary alone and made our plan. He spent most of the spring avoiding studying. To his credit, he was productive at first, finding odd chores around our house or going over to his parents’ or his aunt’s houses to help with larger projects, but, as I pointed out to him, he was meeting short-term goals to the detriment of his ultimate long-term goal (being employed somewhere he loved).

    By the time the school year ended for me, we were getting pretty desperate for money and he had not taken any of the four CPA exams. Additionally, he was doing less and less around the house. I would come home from work to find him sitting in his boxers (sans shower) in front of the TV with Facebook or on his open laptop, having woken up around 11am or so, dishes from dinner the night before still in the sink or on the stove, and the dog hyperactive from not having had a walk all day. If I was lucky, he would have taken some type of meat out of the freezer to thaw so I had something with which to start dinner. I had a “come to Jesus meeting” with him, so-to-speak, and he admitted that he had wasted a lot of time and needed to get going on studying.

    However, he continues to drag his feet about it and has had to push back a couple of his scheduled exam sessions due to lack of preparation and took one of the tests without having studied enough. It doesn’t matter if I nag– he does what he wants, which rarely involves him studying. He even came with me when I drove from Maryland to Chicago for a conference in the hopes that him being locked in a hotel room with nothing to do all day would force him to study. He scheduled an exam for the day after we returned to assist with that goal. Instead, he studied a bit but also slept in and messed around on the Internet and then insisted that I drive the entire twelve hours home so he could study the whole way.

    I have pointed out to him that he is holding our lives hostage. We literally ran out of money this month and don’t know what we are going to do in order to pay our bills. I have been going to as many paid conferences and professional developments as I can in order to supplement our income and am advising two student organizations and coaching for the same purpose. I am exhausted and he continues to sleep in and then putz around the house. It has been seven months since he was fired and, while there are bursts of job-hunting/studying activity occurring and sporadic attempts to contribute to the housework, the majority of his time (and subsequently our time/life together) is wasted. I am at the end of my rope.

    • What happened Erin? I’m curious.

      I’ve been in a relationship with my man since 2001. He was 5 years older than me and didn’t have a job. We moved in together anyway. For 5 years he worked his butt off while I went to college. Then I worked my butt off while he went to college AND I went to grad school. I have a pretty sweet job now, it pays enough for us to barely get by. He graduated college last May. He barely looks for work, he has a reason why every job isn’t right for him. He’s applying to law school for the fall and if he gets in, that will be enough, but I can’t just live on pause for 7 months. But he can. It is killing me. I never thought I’d be the girl to throw away love this serious over money.

      He’s my best friend, he’s an incredible lover, he’s so supportive and accepting of me. But I just want him to work a little and I can’t get him to and I don’t think I can deal with it any more.

    • situation is a little bit similar i guess.ive been married for a almost 2 years now with my husband.i was working in a nursing home when i meet him and he was workig as an accounting officer for less than a year.we became friends and eventually became lovers then he asked me to move in with him and stay in his mothers place where he is staying i said yes and everything was history.we got married after a year of living together and during those times his been in and out of was very difficult coz after i moved in with him i got fired from my work.we have to leave from his mothers support when he is out of work.
      After we get married he landed another job that has a better pay and benefits.on my part i was able to find a job also and for a year that i was working he ddnt give me trouble about his work.he ddnt complain about resigning but his poor work ethics still manifests coz he always like to miss im not working again coz my husband asked me to mother in law is selling her house now and we need to find a place of our own.problem now is he giving me trouble again.he always take leave form work now,everyweek he would take 3 days off from work and would only work 2 days a week is tight coz im not working and we need to find a place to rent two months from just so tired of being angry already all the time coz i felt like our married life is not secured..i dont know what to say to him anymore.all i can feel is resentment and anger towards him everytime he decides to not go to work or quit his job.

      We dont have children yet although i really wanted to have already but i guess it is a blessing somehow that we dont have yet coz of this instability.i hope you all can help parents dont know what ive am going through.nobody knows.

  10. And I should note that we borrowed a couple thousand dollars from my parents to pay for CPA-prep software that creates study plans and chunks the material and basically walks him through the preparation for all four exams, so I feel like he can’t claim he is overwhelmed.

    • Erin, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You must be absolutely overwhelmed.

      I am a newlywed and my husband and I have gone through job issues on his end, recently in fact. He became overwhelmed very easily about applying for a new job and when I’d ask about what jobs he applied for that day, he would shut down and not want to talk. This was very discouraging. He would prefer to play video games in the short window of free time he had before he had to sleep and go to work while i would think “you could be applying for jobs! You know you need a new one!”. I’m a natural go-getter so when I found myself needing a new job a few months later I applied for EVERYTHING I could in the field that I was looking for. Then, I started applying for jobs for him too – I hated it sometimes because I felt like I was doing all the work, (updating his resume, creating a cover letter, etc) but at that time he was working a graveyard shirt an hour away and was too tired to do anything except sleep what little he could. So as his wife and partner, I stepped up and helped out how I could -which was applying for jobs for him. And it eventually worked – he got a new job this past April and I got a new job just a month later. We are both making a little more than we did and our jobs are secure. But it took a lot of talking, arguing, praying, and patience (which I try to have).

      I have to ask – does your husband still want to be an Auditor? Since he’s kinda sending you mixed signals (he wants to study/he won’t study/he does other projects instead) it just sounds to me like maybe he doesn’t want to pursue that anymore? I admire you for finding extra work for you two to get by each month – I’m sure that’s very difficult and draining.

      If I were in your situation, I would do the following: sit down with him and have a talk. I am naturally outgoing and a bit aggressive so I would make sure that my tone isn’t provoking (although I might be angry inside) and ask if there’s anything I can do to help. Yes, you’ve done a lot so far but just see what he says. Then you guys can talk about what HE can do. You guys are a TEAM. Yes, he’s the one that’s looking for a job. But maybe he needs your help and doesn’t want to admit it. My husband (when he was working graveyard shift and desperately needed a day job in town – his health was being affected and it was a BAD situation and bad pay) shut down on me quite a few times and I felt like I had to hold his hand a bit. But sometimes he has to hold my hand too. Was the fact that I found and submitted hundreds of applications for him worth his current job? Absolutely. He’s happier. He’s put on 10 pounds (the guy was a stick.) And he’s now even looking at management positions at his current job. :)

      I will be praying for you and your husband. Keep your chin up. I know the feeling of “JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!.” But as much as I may want to, I cannot change my husband. I can talk, I can cry, I can vent, but he’ll do what he wants. Eventually we got on the same page and worked together as a team. And we’re much stronger for it.

  11. Been There says:

    The story with the video gamer? I went through exactly that (but with one child, not three). We lost our home and had nowhere to go but his parents’ dark dirty apartment in a rough neighborhood. I was working (and in school, and nursing a baby) but my income just wasn’t enough. He never got motivated, he never tried even once. After exhausting all options (interventions, counseling, prayer, etc) I chose to divorce him. That was 5 years ago. I have since remarried and have more children. He is exactly where I left him, playing video games 12 hours a day. He’s never worked since and he’s about $23,000 behind on child support. The worst part is that my child from this marriage does her very best to imitate him and challenges us constantly. :-(

  12. IGaveUpToo says:

    I’ve been married nearly 6 years, and my husband has never had a “real job” in all that time. When we got married he moved to my place and did start looking for jobs and went on a few interviews but nothing panned out. He claims there is no job for him (he has more skills than me!), and then he complains that no one will hire him so it’s not his fault. Meanwhile, I work full-time and have two volunteer positions in my free time. We really could use the money ANY job he would take would give us, but luckily he hasn’t added too much to the the expenses I was already paying living alone. We are older and have no children, thankfully. Every time I even remotely hint that he should apply for some jobs, I get screamed at. I find it harder and harder to respect him as a man–maybe I’m old fashioned–but still I do. I know that if I left him he’d just move in with his mother who’s not financially well off. Sure he may be very well be depressed, but I can’t force him to go to the doctor nor can I force him to get a job. I’ve just kind of accepted the situation the way it is, but it does bother my parents and brother. They don’t respect him, and there is always that elephant in the room at family get togethers. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with him.

    • Please tell me how to maintain a good relationship once the respect is gone. I’ve lost all respect for my husband, who ran us into debt $30K in 3 years and had a lean put against MY house! I had to let him go, I have 3 children and he was so financially unresponsible. He tied his own house up with his business, and rather than just lose everything, he throws more money at the fire every month. I don’t know what he’s thinking, except he’s finanacially all but ruined me. Respect? How do you rekindle that? I couldnt do it.

    • Omg that sounds exactly like my husband :( I love him so much.. We have been married 3 years and he’s only work about 2 months out of 3 years .. He gets so mad when I mention a job and he always tells me he can go live with his mom. He’s almost 40 and rather live with his mommy than work.. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care. We are always broke and worrying about money. I am disabled and have a teen daughter.. All three of us live on only $800 a month :( Do you know how hard that is? Its a struggle to even afford basic stuff like shampoo and necessities . I just feel so over whelmed. :(

  13. I felt so fortunate to have come on this site & begin reading comments; my husband has been unemployed for a little more than a year & he seems stuck. He was “downsized” from his last job because he simply didn’t have the needed skill set to match the jobs that were being requested. He’s one of those proverbial “nice guys” that people like to be around, but he doesn’t have a skill set to back up his talk. We had just bought a house & I recall asking him if this job felt secure. His answer (as is a common response to almost anything you ask him) “Sure”. We have spent money on suits, plane tickets to cities that he comes home from, sure he has a job (to the point of telling me to submit my notice at work cause we’re moving – I didn’t) & then him becoming increasingly passive aggressive when I ask a week or 2 later what the job status is.

    I guess I might feel more sympathetic if he hadn’t been so insistent the entire time we were dating & early into married life that “both of us have to work to have the lifestyle we want”. In the 15 years we’ve been married, I have been unemployed a grand total of 3 weeks. This is a blessing & I thank God everyday that I have stable employment. I guess I’m just starting to resent getting up at the crack of dawn & leaving for work while he sits at the kitchen table having breakfast & reading the paper on his Ipad. He does the laundry & will occasionally vacuum the floor but that’s it. No cooking, no other cleaning, no planning for any socialization of any form. He wants me to run our social life (what little there is now) & he’s always full of suggestions for other people about what they need to do financially or politically while I know that back at home, he doesn’t follow any of his own advice. We live in a nice home which I currently pay the mortgage on & don’t have a tremendous amount of debt but he’s just finished wiping out the little bit of money he inherited from his parents. I have a savings account that he informed me last week was 1/2 his in the event we ever divorced. When I try to talk to him about our finances, he’s quick to tell me that if we need more money in our household, I should pick up some extra shifts/projects since my skill set seems more valuable at this time than his. I already work 60 hours a week; when is it his turn to start?????
    We’ve lived as roommates for the past 3 years due to his erectile dysfunction. I’m told I’m attractive, outgoing, & smart but lately, people I’ve known a while have been telling me how surprised they were that I ever married this guy. They don’t dislike him, they just always figured I’d go for more of an achiever type. Lately, some of the executives at my workplace have been hinting that they’d like to get to know me a bit better & for the 1st time in my married life, I’m truly tempted. I never thought I’d be one of those women who considered an affair but with no support, no sex, no money, & a man who’s more of a taker than a giver for the past year, it’s looking more & more appealing.
    Thanks for letting me vent. It helped more than you know.

    • Hi Patty – you don’t know me, but trust me, you need to separate the two. If your first marriage is not working out, do not have an affair to get out of it. I did, and ended up marrying my ‘all that’ guy – and HE is the one who moved in with me and my kids and took up the hobby of couch potato. After 3 years, he was given the ultimatum to man up or get out – and he got out. I miss him more than I can say – but I knew him for 10 years as my best friend – if you can’t marry your best friend, who can you marry? And, he knew of my situtation married – he was full of ideas and advice – and holy moly – he did the EXACT same thing! But, it hurts more because I trusted him and he knew and he did the same things. So – bottom line, I am working on ME, why for some reason I tend to allow myself to fall into the ‘head of household’ role – and until then, I am NOT going to get into another relationship – in other words, work on yourself. If you don’t “love” your husband, get counseling. If you are not able to work things out, try separated for awhile – he may change, you may change – but an affair? No way – worst thing you can do. I don’t regret my first divorce, but I never should have gotten involved with another person so quickly – he did the same thing and this time, what a mess!

  14. Workingwife says:

    Hi all! I definitely am dealing with this burden as well. I fell in love with my husband ‘s wonderful personality and charm. He is a convicted felon but has been a model citizen since his 1 offense at age 18 which also caused him to not obtain his high school diploma. His situation makes it difficult for him to find a job. He was fired from 2 positions in which I stood beside him after both and provided the encouragement and support he needed but he seems to have stopped trying. I at times get very overwhelmed and also feel like I’m raising a child as opposed to having a husband. We don’t have any children and he keeps the house tidy in most cases but mostly sleeps during the day and plays on his phone. I want to give him a deadline but I’m afraid it’ll just get him all upset again and nothing with get accomplished… Praying for change

  15. Hello all, I am relieved to not feel alone in this problem, whenever I try to talk to friends about my situation they all tell me to leave my husband which isn’t very helpful.

    My husband is also out of work, but my problem is that he has NEVER worked in his life. You might wonder why I dated him in the first place, but when I met him he had been at one of the top universities in the country with a good degree so I thought he was an ambitious person. In fact over the years I have begun to realise just how little ambition, drive and motivation he has especially when it comes to supporting his new family. I have also seen how he was spoilt by his parents growing up, the only job he ever had was when he was 15 doing a paper round which he couldn’t be bothered to do so his mother did it for him, and the only reason he went to university was because his mother chose which one and made him go!

    We have been together 5 years and now have beautiful twin sons who are going to be 1 next month and who deserve every bit of financial security they can get, and still nothing has changed. We have also been living with my parents for the last 7 months in order to make ends meet and STILL he has no self-confidence to get a job. He is 28 and has no real work experience and therefore does not believe himself worthy of getting a job. For the 100th time we had the conversation about him looking for work and I told him last week that he has to get something because we can’t live like this forever, and his response was that he will and has been looking but is scared. In the week since then he has inquired about 1 job to which they sent him back an application that he is yet to fill out – the deadline is tomorrow!

    Having worked all my life, I am returning to full time work myself, but I don’t want him to be able to just be a stay at home parent, because I’m not allowed to do that when I would love to so why should he? He desperately needs to learn a good work ethic, because at the moment he wakes in the middle of the day, helps out for a few hours with the twins and stays up at night playing computer games. If he doesn’t get a job soon I am struggling to think how I can stay with him without becoming bitter and angry towards him and eventually leaving. I love him and want to be proud of him and gain respect back, because at the moment I don’t have much respect for him. He now promises to get a job but is looking at the shortest amount of hours saying he wants to only work part time and picks apart every job I ask him to apply to. We’ll see what happens but either way I already have two babies I can’t be dealing with a third, and I definitely won’t be in this situation next year so something is going to have to change.

  16. Mine has been unemployed for 4 years now. There have been short term jobs in the interim. He’s not depressed, and has been on maybe two interviews, the most recent was last month where he, we threw our hearts into the app because it would have been a great one for him. He is honestly looking, has been. I vascillate between get a dag gone job, this load is too much and understanding, because I know he has been looking. I get mad when I come home after working all day and there is a sink of dishes and no food cooking, and I still wind up having to help the kid with homework and it looks like he has been on facebook all or most of the day haranguing and witnessing to people. I don’t know what to do anymore!

  17. And just when I thought I was all alone, I stumbled upon this article. Let me say the person I married and the person I’m with now seem like complete opposite. I’ve been with my guy for almost 5 yrs and married for 2. The last five years he was in the military and it will be a year since he has been out. He lacks ambition, drive, and motivation. His family see no wrong in that but quickly acknowledges my faults. I helped him with his resume, I applied for jobs for him and I brought home applications but he doesn’t apply himself. He sits at home all day and play video games. Once a week he may cook or clean. And then when I’m off during the weekend he looks at me and ask ” why do you look so angry?” When I bring things up, he say “oh I took care of you when I was the military!” Mind you I was in the military too while we were just dating. I paid my rent and I drove us to and from work. When I got out I looked for work and I collected unemployment, I never put us in a financial bind like the one I’m in now. I had to beg him to collect umemployment because he is so stubborn. It’s a temporary fix but it’s not going to solve our long term issues. I haven’t had sex with him in almost 4 months because I’m just not into him like I used to be. I’m pretty unhappy as of lately, especially about his attitude with everything. The “I don’t care” and “I don’t want to try”…. attitude. It’s one thing to stick by his side when he is willingly putting forth an effort but it’s a different story to stick by someone who is putting forth “zero” effort towards working on what will help us. We have no kids. There shouldn’t be any excuses. Yet he makes all the time in the world to play “call of duty” and “madden 25”. I got my divorce papers ready.

    • I know this is several months old. I feel your pain. Long story, short…We met 20 years ago. He came with $400 to visit. Long story, He worked hard and turned $400 into a multi-million $ company, We started our own company…Then the Government jobs we were doing stopped paying us. So we lost our company. Had to go bankrupt personally and shut the business down. We lost 80 acres of property and our commercial building in foreclosures. We kept our home. So far. Since that day. My hubby has been pretty much glued to the couch watching tv. He did work another job after a year of that, but was laid off because the owner hired his son back. Another blow to hubby’s ego. So months went on. He didn’t want to take the unemployment, but I had to force him, as he was eligible. Then it ran out. He was suppose to go for his CDL. The coarse started three times since then, he is now again on the list. Paperwork mess up. Hopefully he gets into the May class. Meanwhile, no income. If I even dare to mention the fact he needs to do something, he says I need to find a job asap. Goes as far as threats to me if I don’t. He explains that he did it for all these years and it’s my turn. Funny and ironic, he made me quit my job before we had our boys. I left a great paying job to let him start his company. Men…..

      • UPDATE ON OUR STATUS: well so strange that I forgot I posted here over a year ago. I googled “husband won’t get a job” and re found my post here. Pretty sad…So do you all want an update? Guessing so. So it’s now over a year later. My 11 year old was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, a life threatening disease, insulin dependent, not because of eating too much sugar. He could die any day if his blood sugars drop too low or raise to high. Seizures, coma. It’s a daily battle with his blood sugars, trying to keep them under control. He has to count every carb he eats, then take a shot for what he had. Then another at night for long term. Back to Hubby, still no job. I am working for my dear friend in retail, I bring in about $200 to $270 a week. About 20-30 hours. So our DTV has been shut off, our electric is going to be if I don’t pay it by the 2nd, and our air conditioner is broken, (needs Freon) So our home is like 86 degrees. Fans blowing. Just wait, I have more to post next.. You will not believe..

  18. My husband quit his job in January and hasn’t made an effort to find another one since.We have two small kids together.At first he promised he’d get a better job and help out then he started making all sorts of excuses like he’s on a break and stuff. He watches the kids but makes no effort to keep them or the house tidy.I’m a full time worker and part time student and I find it very overwhelming and stressful to bath the kids, clean the house and prepare dinner after work before sitting down to study.
    Recently I realised that he quit his job soon after I got a pay raise to double his salary.I have more skills than him and before we got married that didn’t bother him at all.I only realised he felt a bit inferior when he said he would only work if he found a job that earned him a figure higher than my salary.

    I’ve tried being supportive by giving out his resume and replying to job adverts but he won’t budge.I even tried talking to his uncle hoping he could knock some sense into him but he only pretended to look for a job for a little while.
    I’m finding all this overwhelming and unreasonable and am beginning to lose my head.I can’t afford to buy myself stuff coz I have to worry about paying bills.
    I just don’t know what to do

    • Tee, that is really, really tough. I think sitting down with a third party and saying, “this isn’t acceptable” and “we need to be a team” is really necessary. You need to have a frank conversation about this, and then you need some leverage. Talking to a counselor or pastor or mentor about what that might be would likely be a good idea. You could stop pooling money (I normally never suggest that because I totally believe in couples sharing money, but if one is not contributing at all, they should feel the consequences of their actions). You could cut off internet/video games at home, etc. etc and just stop paying for them. I’m not sure, but likely someone who knows you well could help you both talk through what is reasonable to expect, how you should act as a team, and what repercussions should be if you don’t act as a team.

      Again, I’m really sorry. I’m sure you are overwhelmed.

  19. Bobbie Ann Garcia says:

    I need an advice pertains to this concern. My husband and I got married for about 7 years now. And from the very beginning I used to work to earn money for the family and still working for the family and the one who used to stay at home is him. Is there’s something wrong with this picture? I mean if he lost a job that is acceptable but what if he does not work even from the beginning but contented to be at home where he got degrees and still there is an opportunity for him or what. I tried so much and I even the one who find him a job but then it seems that it is not an encouragement to him. I do not understand this situation. I do not want to be like this for the rest of our lives.

    Thanks a lot and looking forward for your response as to this concern.

  20. God help me says:

    I have been married 11+ years and my husband has been unemployed…lazy…7 of them. The other years was not much but atleast he was working. When we met he had a family business and a nice car and the suit. He was living with his parents at 35 and his excuse was the family lost their homes from owning certain family business that someone came in and took them to the cleaners. After marrying him I find out he has always lived with his parents and never had a job outside of his family. I saw his non-existant work ethic after 1 month. I have always worked hard and had lived on my own for over 15 yrs before meeting him.I traveled the world. He had never been out of the state and is afraid to ever go anywhere. After1 yr his mother wanted all her money out of the business so he sold everything off. We got nothing Except holding the bag of IRS. New baby and no money. I moved to a different city and knew no one. My job relocated out of state so i had no income but unemployment. He was offered a job from a friend making 6k take home a month and full medical benefits for him me and now our baby. After a month of that his mom told him to leave the job and we were now in a house that we hadnt started paying the mortgage on. He quit. Since then he has been off and on unemployed …not collecting unemployment..he refused…for up to 3 yr unemployed stretches and this time so far 14 months. He isnt looking for a job…he acts like he is rich…I paid off all his credit card debt years ago and now he has 4 cards maxed at about 30k. He doesnt help at home…he doesnt cook…clean…do yard work..and acts like he is important wearing new shoes he got off ebay and a new watch. He is always shopping on ebay. I am so sick of it. I commute 4 hrs a day to work and it only covers the basics. We have 2 mire months left of float money from the 250k i had saved from working in real estate which tanked. We lost our home and my cars are falling apart. I have done all I know to do. I had 250k in the bank and its all gone. I finally opened another bank account in my name to protect myself from his stuidity Of draining the checking account and bouncing check. He cant seem to do anything adult. At 47 I dont think he ever will. If I leave him he will just move in back with his mommy. God help me. Family gatherings are difficult. My family cant stand him not providing in any way. I havent left cause I no longer make very much To survive on my own with 2 kids. I use to make 6 figures now I make 40k and much of it goes to taxes and train pass to get to work. I am gwtting sick a lot and constantly breaking down. He snores so bad and has gsined 100 lbs since being married. We waited to have sex before marriage and I have never been pleased in that way ever. He cant last more than 90 seconds. Now i know why he never tried to do anything with me. Sorry. I just dont know why I stay. Because of him we are now being audited by the iRS and havent filed for 3 yrs. I am out of tears. I feel like a zombie.

  21. God help me says:

    I have no respect for him…i dont even like him. We havent slept in the same room for 11 yrs. We have nothing in common but our children.

    • fed up after 22 years says:

      I know how you feel! Married for 22 years. Husband has refused to work for the last 8 years! He gets little jobs here and there but nothing full time and long term. He got a dui and lost his license 3 years ago and has refused to get his license reinstated because that would require him to actually DO something besides slack. He told me he is waiting to inherit money from his family, only to realize that his wealthy relative will have nothing left to leave him! His parents also told him not to count on getting any money from their estate either.

      He never went to college and cannot get along with people at work. Everyone, according to him, is dumb and knows nothing. He also wont take a job that requires him to work nights or weekends, or any other time that nascar or football are on tv. Also, without a drivers license, he has no way to get to work! He has to rely on ME or other people to drive him all over town.

      He has been known to beg money from people or trying to sell them used items he finds in our house. He then uses this money for beer and cigarettes or he tries to turn that $20 into $100 in a gambling machine!

      I consulted with an attorney who told me that since i allowed him to not work and that i supported him for this long, he can sue me for alimony and will win. Since i have been his sole support, he has more rights then me. He also does not have to move out of the house.

      I run a dog rescue and have 6 dogs, it is impossible to find a rental to take me and my animals. He wont move out and says he does not care, that he will NEVER let me leave him. That it is my JOB to take care of him now. That he is retired. (he is 50).

      He wont take care of himself and has lost 2 teeth. So he cannot go on any job interviews! No insurance and no money to get his teeth fixed. Just another excuse for him no to work! His parents offered to pay his dental bill but he refuses to make an appointment. He has lost 25 lbs and is a walking skeleton. Wont see a doctor. Maybe he will die! Horrible to say but that is how bad things are!

      The laws are not for women and children, they are all for the man! I am stuck, I have 0 money, live paycheck to paycheck and cannot make ends meet. While mr wonderful sits around and tells me everything will be ok if would give him more sex. GROSS. I have NO desire to have sex with him EVER!

  22. God help me says:

    I dont know what to do. If I leave to go out of state with my kids his mom will do whatever it takes to get me. She already told my kids is your mommy trying to take you away from me? This isnt even the tip of the iceberg. She screams at me in front of my children and they cry. She says I justdont support him. What? I let the guy refinance the house to pay for his training for trading and he never would do it and I knew he wouldnt. We lost the house and he still wont work. Always has sn excuse for everything. He says god is taking care of us. Really?????? Help.

    • Hi there,

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. It sounds so difficult.

      I’d say you have two major issues: your husband has a very dysfunctional relationship with his mother (which is now affecting you and the kids), and your husband sees no importance to acting responsibly. The two are very likely linked.

      Raising your children in a really financially unstable place like this where it’s also very emotionally dysfunctional is problematic.

      Is there a third party that you can talk to who can help you figure out a plan? You likely need a lawyer to protect any assets you have left, and to keep you from being liable for his credit card bills, so that you can try to save something for the kids’ stability.

      I don’t normally favour separation, but I do think at times separation is a tool to help a spouse see that he/she needs to step up to the plate and start acting responsibly. Sometimes the only way to do that is to have them realize the consequences of their actions. It sounds like your husband has never had to bear the consequences of not working.

      You definitely can’t go through this alone, though. If you can find a network to help you, at a church, for instance, who can pray with you and encourage you and help you look after your kids that would be ideal. And then perhaps someone can come alongside your husband and show him what he needs to do to act like a man and a father. I pray that you will find people to support you right now and to find a way through, because it sounds like you really need it. Don’t be afraid to ask God to help–I do believe that God is there for those who call on Him, and that He does want to help the brokenhearted and desperate.

  23. God help me says:

    Sheila -To top it off my son attends SDC classes. My parents in another state said would help but I know the moment I leave the state his mom and sister will figure out a way to get me in trouble with the law for kidnapping or something. I have no suport here. I work so much and comute so much there is no more me left and just churches. I have been told by many people to leave him incl. I feel stuck. Its now effecting my health…emotional well being..financially and socially…everything. I dont want friends cause they cant handle what I am going through. Even at my job I am being harrassed and I stay cause I need the money. I want to run away. I want to pack up my kids and go to my parents.

    • I think you really need to talk to two people: a lawyer and a counselor or someone who can walk you through this. You’re in a difficult situation, and it’s going to be really difficult to start walking through it and make some positive change. I know you’re exhausted, but it won’t get better on its own. So even though it’s exhausting, you’re going to have to talk to someone who can help you through this and who can potentially walk beside your husband and help him make some better decisions, too. You can’t do it alone. I know it’s hard, but sometimes the right thing is the hard thing, and it does take a lot of energy. But if you can’t keep on going like this you are going to have to do something else.

  24. On my last string says:

    I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and he’s seemed like a hard worker. Hes not a US citizen so work has always been hard for him to find. Hes jumped from construction to limo to houseman. Weve been married for almost 5 years now and have a 2 yr old with the 2nd baby on the way. For the last year hes been out of work and staying home with our 2 yr old. However, he hasnt really taken her anywhere or done anything around the house. I work fulltime in healthcare which sometimes requires me to stay late and saturdays. I come home and he complains I dont make dinner and I tell him Im at work all day and hes at home. He thinks that I should still be doing all the at home chores such as food, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. I am literally on my last string and considering Im pregnant doesnt make things easier. I try to look for jobs on craiglist or job hunting site for him and everything Ive told him about he says no he doesnt want to make $10/hr. I try to tell him something is better than nothing, especially with a new baby on the way. We have a mortgage to pay, car payments, food, handful of credit card bills that I definatly cannot pay by myself. We fight all the time and hes always so angry. Hed rather be out with his friends than going to work. I tell him we need to go talk to someone to help our marriage work and he doesnt want to because that means its “the end”. He expects my family to help us financially is what hes told me. This is HIS family not theirs. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to divorce for our childrens sake but I mentally and emotionally cannot do this anymore. I (or more like WE) need help and dont know what to do!

  25. I found this because though he’s not my husband yet, I do fantasize about marrying him. My aunt has been super good to encourage me to ask lots of questions and ensure this will be a good fit.

    I met him as my neighbor. The first thing I noticed about him was his true passion for the outdoors. He cares immensely about the forest and knows a lot about surviving there. Anyway I also admired his creative side. In getting to know him, we involved ourselves in a lot of creative projects: making music, cooking together, painting, writing stories, poems, singing. We also walked around a lot, went for bike rides and run together on the forest trails. We had a lot of the same ideas about food and health. I had so many fantasies of wow yes this is the kind of atmosphere I’d want to raise children in. Creativity, healthy food, physical activity, and parents who know a lot about the forest (me plants, him plants, animals, and birds). He’s also very neat and tidy. His house is always the most beautiful and clutter free of all my friends.

    The kicker? He hates to work. He’ll do it, but he hates it. He hates our culture for the petty wages most places offer for the work he thinks has greater value than CEO’s and advertising. At first I admired his rebel attitude and commitment to a different world. I expected that his intense conviction would lead to some kind of awesome home business.

    Now that he’s considering it, he has a million excuses about why it won’t work. He’s also a musician and would rather be doing that for money. I notice myself progressively getting distant from him because well he’s gotta make a living some how.

    And I’m not exactly a model citizen either. I grew up in a home with lots of drugs and alcohol, but there was always plenty of money. I never really had to work much. I didn’t prioritize my college career to aim myself toward a high paying career. I took what sounded fun. I learned a lot about botany, sustainability, women’s health, and midwifery. Right now I’m kind of patching together my own career. I work as a caregiver part time, starting my own business teaching pregnancy classes, have 1001 ideas for craft projects that could make me some extra dough, i am going to professional coaching school, I do unpaid workshops, and am currently doing an unpaid writing gig. I’m new to all this and it’s all giving me face time to hopefully open opportunities for paid work.

    My energy is always tied up in my own stuff that it’s hard to sit down with him with his stuff. At first I admired the possibility that we’d both be beginning to start our own businesses together. But I’ve seen very little effort on his end. Sigh.

    I love him and want to believe in a beautiful future that there clearly is immense potential for, but at the same time I’m 28 not getting any younger and want to know that I am building a future with someone would is committed to creating a comfortable life for us and our future family. I don’t want to realize ten years down the road I’ve wasted my time and now I’m too old to have kids.

    He has a few part time minimum wage seasonal jobs he’s doing starting in April, but then what? He does this every year. Works all spring and summer then rests in the fall and winter. He’s able to do it financially since he’s great at budgeting and saving. But what about the unexpected. He still rents which makes his living situation always unstable. He recently had to move and the money that he saved to get him through til April was very nearly running out because he had to deal with moving costs. Luckily his dad helped. But at 29? I don’t know. He’s always so sweet to me too and cooks wonderfully. But he doesn’t like it when I’m on the computer or drive too much. Sigh

    How do I know that I’m making the best decision investing in this man in love and time when I know I want a partner to have babies with?

  26. maharet raider says:

    sounds to me like i’m someone’s mom following this advise. i don’t have kids. kind of glad i don’t. what kind of man just sits on his duff all day? not only does he not have a job, but i then have to come home and complain about housework not being done? almost 9 years of the same BS, unable to hold down steady work for more than 6-9 months. i don’t know what im supposed to do with that, but a separation is looming just around the corner. too bad it’s going to cost me even more money. at least i didn’t let him bury me this year in debt. almost did….but i have good people looking out for me. i’m still paying for the problems he’s caused me, but my eyes are open now and it wont happen again.

  27. PhD's Wife says:

    I found this blog entry because I am so fed up with my husband not even attempting to apply for a job! He graduated 6 months ago with a PhD. It took him years to finish the PhD because he would get so distracted by other things and many days just wouldn’t go to the lab to do work. It finally took setting a date for his PhD defense for him to buckle down and actually work at writing the dissertation.

    Since he graduated, we have been traveling in-between me working full time this whole time we’ve been married, supporting us. He hasn’t had an actual paycheck of his own in 10 months. At first, I was okay with giving him a little break; I told him that if he took care of the house, I wouldn’t mind working extra and I loved traveling with him. Well, traveling was great, but when we were home, the house wasn’t really being taken care of; laundry would sit there for 2 weeks and I’d have to beg him to put it away and the state of the house would stress me out even more.

    He has gambled away (invested and lost) his student loan money ($50,000), but he just keeps investing more money in the stock market; in fact, this is how he spends his time all day every day. He has been to Gambler’s Anonymous (when I can get him to go, which is not often), but the investing and trading of money won’t stop.

    I beg and plead with him to get a job because my job is very stressful and I often work overtime because he makes me feel very bad about spending my own money, telling me that he never spends money and I spend too much money, so I’ve rationalized that if I work overtime, that money is truly my spending money.

    When I ask him to apply for a job, he says that I just want him to have a job that makes more money than my job and that he doesn’t care about money. He actually threatens that he will just get a job at McDonald’s. Just now, he was “analyzing our finances” and I said that can wait (he analyzes our finances every day), but that he should go to the library (because he’s always complaining about how he “hates our house” because he can’t get work done here) and apply for a job. He argued back that he needs the home computer to find a picture for his profile and that he can’t apply for a job without a picture. He’s upset that I won’t help him, but short of actually applying to the jobs for him, I don’t know how. He’s completely given up and gets angry whenever I bring up the subject. I am at my wit’s end, completely stressed out over my own job and working so much for two people.

    Any prayers or advice would be greatly appreciated.


    PhD’s Wife

    • Hi there! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sounds immensely frustrating.

      I have a few thoughts: first, it sounds like he got his PhD done when he had a deadline. Perhaps he needs something like that for finding a job, too?

      Second, if he’s gambling (and losing) money in the stock market, perhaps it’s time to take away his access to money. He isn’t contributing; he’s only wasting. In this case, I think setting up separate bank accounts where you agree how much money it takes to run the house, and how much money you each get for spending money, and then that amount of money is put in an account he can access. The rest of the money stays in your account.

      Here’s the main thing: marriage should not be a cover for people to get out of having to work on his issues. It sounds as if he has a lot of issues (passivity, gambling, etc.), and he doesn’t have to work on them right now because you’re footing the bill. A little dose of reality may help.

      I have another post that addresses this more called Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? It may apply more to your situation. Hope this helps!

  28. Im about to smack the dumb out of my husband. Leave him in his mothers house where she is just making it worse with letting him get away from looking for job, she just spoils him , but than she also complains, she just confuses the whole tell I him to get a job and than laughs about it like if its a joke. Idk what kind of crap this is , but ive read all of these comments and I can think or say to myself is , I love me and I should have some one who loves me just as much. This man thinks im going let it get any further than a year of this relationship. Im done. You ladies SHOULF just kick him out, break up, space from him and say ” I LOVE ME , IF YOU WON’T LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU, TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND ME, THAN BYE! YOU ARE JUST wasting precious time than can be built for beautiful time to be financially unstable and to free to be happy together ” idk where these men are getting the emotion or motion of discouragement but they cannot keep trying to disrespect a woman’s worth.

    Have any of you ever heard the song from alicia keys – a woman’s worth

    Their is such thing as Real Gentlemen out there. We just have be stronger for ourselves, we have to bring back that old fashion smack to the face when they think its ok sneak in a charm and that’ll just do to make us fall he’s over heals. These men are sickening I tell you. Whats happening to love !? Why is even my mother going through this… and she is 67 , my father is 55, in ashamed. She shouldn’t be working 3 jobs and he sitting at home doing NOTHING. Im so empowered to be a woman, to see how much we can put up with and we still are willing to help even when we are at our last straw , we suck it back it and just say kindly, calmly ” I am here . Here to help” than right back to our face we are being taken advantage of.

    I am 23 years young , born in 91.
    The man im currently with is 29 .

    I am disappointed in myself to have let it get to this.

    Lord help me, help this men , all I do is pray for love.

  29. Rachel Carbonara Byrne says:

    I’m so glad to hear that I’m not alone with all I’ve gone through. I like to think that I am a pretty smart, intelligent woman. But for some reason when it comes to men and relationships I stink at it & always find the wrong guy. I’ve already been divorced once & that was him wanting it after he found out he couldn’t have kids & lost his job & got so depressed he just wanted out & moved back in w/ his mom which is where he still is 13 yrs later. When I married my 2nd husband I knew he wasn’t in a good job but I finally found passion & just thought he just needs someone to help him push himself to do better. My mom told me not to marry him because she said he was lazy & would never be a good provider but I ignored her. We got pregnant right after we were married & I had a good job so I didn’t worry too much. But he is the kind who gets fired from every job. I think one year he got fired like 6 times. Then after having our 2nd son 7 yrs ago I was home on maternity leave & got served papers that our house was in foreclosure. I was making good money so there was no reason it wasnt getting paid. My husband acted shocked & made up all these excuses how it was a mix up & he would fix it. Then I got the mail one day & it showed that my husband was having to go to court for writing bad checks to Publix & his dad was helping him pay for everything. I then went thru his car & found 2 garbage bags full of our mail that he would get and hide so I wouldn’t see & sure enough there were papers about the house going into foreclosure & all the bills he wasn’t paying. He finally admitted recently he has always hated this house & stopped paying cuz he didn’t care. What was wrong is that I put 30k from my 401k down on this house & while I don’t love our house I worked hard for it & him jeopardizing us losing it showed he had no respect for me or my boys. We ended up saving the house but nothing else changed. He still gets crappy $10/hr jobs that he gets fired from & I begged him to leave me & he said no he doesn’t believe in divorce. So I did a horrible thing & found an ex bf on FB and had an affair. Although I told my husband about it & he knew from the beginning so then it got tricky cuz he is still married too so had to deal with the affair & my husband not leaving. I think I thought if I had an affair it would force him to leave me but it didn’t. He said it made him realize he wanted to change so I gave him time. It’s been a year & he is exactly the same. Lazy, making no or little money & just in general doesn’t care although he says he does. He finally said he thinks me & the boys should get an apartment & let the house go & I’m seriously thinking about it. I just started seeing a therapist & she’s making read this book about abusive men cuz she said even though I’ve not been abused physically that I let men use me & drain me & emotionally abuse me. I think I need to try to be on my own for the first time in life & stop thinking I need a man to be happy cuz I let them all make me unhappy really.

  30. I feel comforted in knowing I’m not alone as my similar situation feels isolating at times. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, less than a year of actually being married. My husband has been out of work for four years. He had a number of jobs ready to be handed to him, through my network, but then never followed through and would lie about doing so. We went to therapy and he completely dubbed the therapist into believing that he was looking for a job, but couldn’t find one. So here’s my question to anyone reading because its the question I’m asking myself: how do you decide whether to accept this situation or to leave your husband?

  31. I need help with advice… My doctor is talking about putting me on medication for stress due to husband losing job and I work over 12-16 hours or more a day. Get up at 7:30 am and doesn’t end till midnight usually. We both are over 55, but my husband lost his job in August 2013 and was steady looking for work, then he gave up. I found a contracting job that he could do, but I am the one doing all the work, because he has no computer or iphone experience. I try to show him how to operate the iphone or how to take the pictures, but he gets upset and mad. I have Lupus, arthritis and am on disability because of it. Sometimes my knees will go out from under me, but I go to work with him and help out. We are mortgage field inspectors and it started out real slow, but now that it has picked up, I have no time of my own. Just last week I got stung by a wasp, my eye hemorrhaged and he had to take me to the hospital. We have to safe money back for gas, because we drive a gas guzzler. It is his mom’s SUV, because we have no car of our own. My life has been hell these past few months. He does help with some clean up work, but he is very overweight and lazy… I have threaten to leave him, because I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I told him that and he started to look for other jobs again, then he stopped again.
    I have always helped him in his job searches with phone calls, filling out applications online, fixing him a resume and references. I feel like he takes me for granted that I will always do these things for him. We had to take 4 days off, due to me and my eye and I was getting sick from flu… What do you do in a situation like this-he mother also lives with us and is a constant nag, wanting money… I am really at my breaking point… HELP!!

  32. So you want ME to put him on schedule, etc.??? I AM NOT HIS MOTHER!!!

  33. My husband and I separated after 14 years and 2 sons aged 11 & 13. I have always worked . On the beginning in bakeries and shops. I studied and got a degree and a careers when my youngest started school. But still it was tough stressful job and he surfs a lot. He did have a job but as it got less hours after we purchased a house he did notion for anything else . After a while I got him a job gardening where I worked . He had stuck at it for 5 years but it is only 3 days a for tonight. It was down to 2 for a long time before. I eventually got the courage to end it . I had to buy him out of our house and find a place for him live to make him go. 13 months after separating and doing share care and me paying him child support we got back together. I explained to him it was not really the money . I am not materialistic . What hurt was that he did not care about our family enough to want to financially contribute and support us. I stared selling home made rocky road when I knew I had to stop work while our second child was born. He kept surfing.
    So back to now we got together again he moved back in and he told me he’d look for more work ( he still does 3 days fortnight ) . I let him know I wanted him to do this before coming back , but I let him convince me to trust him. He was going to start a mowing business. He moved back and bought some equipment but 25 months later had done nothing to make it happen. He also knows I got a pay rise and I think he thinks I earn enough to support us. Maybe I do but it’s not fair . He does a bit around the house but not everything and cooks the same 5 meals he has for the past 10 years. ( yes I cook to break it up) . But really the deal breaker is I td him I could not handle it if he did not keep his word. I trusted him and now I am faced with being the bad guy and breaking up the family again.
    It’s not financial it us moral to me. I just want someone to work with me or even just put in the effort. And for me to have trusted him and gone back that is what hurts . The financial is only part of it . It goes deeper to his caring about my emotional needs .

    • Cathy, I understand how difficult this is. A man should be financially contributing to the family. To not do so is immoral. I think natural consequences is to tell him that you will no longer support him. Otherwise you really are enabling him to be lazy, which isn’t good either. I’m so sorry about all the trauma on your children and on you, and I do pray he makes the right choice. Does he have any men in his life who could read him the riot act?

  34. I am in the same if not worse situation. My husband has been unemployed for more than a yr now. We have 3 children a 4 year old, 3 yr old and 6week old. I have been the only one working and did not stop working till a day before going into labor all because he refuses to get a job. We are seriously hurting, but he doesn’t seem to care. He plays video games all day stays up all night playing video games. He forgets to feed my kids during the day and has a very bad temper, he is constantly screaming at the kids for the littlest things. He screams at them if they cry or if they ask for food even for just being in his way when he’s playing. I am desperate and want to leave him, but he won’t leave and he has told me he is never leaving. I don’t wanna leave because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to leave when I’m the one who pays for everything. And I am currently renting an apt from my uncle so it wouldn’t be fair to leave my uncle with someone who is never going to pay him. He is such a rude person, never says hi or goodbye to anyone who visits because he is stuck to his computer playing. The kids are terrified of him and beg me to leave them with someone else. He ignores them all day, so basically my kids take care of their own. I have to work and am at work for 14hrs at times and still get home to do all chores dishes, clean up, laundry, take out trash and take care of my kids (feed them, bathed them and put them to sleep) because he doesn’t do any of that either. He literally sleeps, eats and plays all day, everyday. I want a divorce and want him out of the house, but lawyers have told me he doesn’t have to leave if he doesn’t want to because we are married so he is entitled to everything. And I can’t kick him out of his home if there isn’t domestic or some type of violence going on. I don’t know what to do. I am so stress with work, chores and taking care of 3 kids :(

    • Mayra, I’m so sorry. Can you ask your uncle or your family for help? Can you ask them to come and tell him it’s in his best interests to leave or else to get a job and shape up? You could also put all of his video game stuff in storage and tell him he can have it in his new apartment? I think continuing this way doesn’t sound healthy for anyone, and he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.

    • Mayra, you don’t say where you are living, but that legal advice sounds suspect. Even if you are entitled to nothing (which I doubt) you can divorce him. He may be entitled to some alimony or community property, depending on where you are living, but not everything. I think you need better legal advice. I think you need to talk to your uncle. If you move out and your husband does not pay rent, your uncle should be able to evict him. If you time it right, you can move out when the rent is due, and that might make the whole issue move faster.

  35. Going crazy in california says:

    I am shocked by how many people are in this situation! All of you need to leave him now!!! Especially if you have no children and are financially able to leave! I have been married to a lazy unmotivated SOB for 22 years now and I have come to the conclusion that nothing is ever going to change! He has never kept a job for more than a few months, does odd and end jobs and some illegal activity to bring in some kind of money. He talks a good game and makes people think he’s trying and he will do something but reality is, he doesn’t want a job and refuses to do what it takes to get one! I have done so much through the years to help and support him, getting info on schools, looking for jobs, helping with resumes and everything else I could possibly think of! And as I write this, he’s asleep in the recliner! His “normal operating position!” Before we were married I had a really good job, making plenty of money. When we had the first of our three children, we made the decision that I would stay home and care for our children and he would take care of us financially! It was a constant struggle and we had to move several times, losing two homes, and going without things many times! I was home for 10 yrs., until finally I went back to work part time. We lost yet another home, and moved two more times before being forced to move in with my 86 yr old mother. Her home is 15 miles from my work and my children’s schools! This put more of a hardship on us in the way of gas, food, wear and tear on vehicles etc. We lived there for 5 1/2 years, during which time the relationship with my 5 siblings deteriorated to nothing, we no longer speak at all. The relationship with my mother was strained and will never be the same again. Our oldest daughter was 18 when we moved to my mothers, when she was 22 she got a job at the local grocery store, moved out and now does not speak to us! It’s been two years! Our son was 14, and it was a very bad turning point for him! He didn’t finish middle school, didn’t go to high school, and ended up taking his GED. He is now 20, has a bad attitude and lookout on life, says he’s never getting married or having kids. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, do drugs, or drink, he’s just down on life and is angry at the world! I blame his fathers behavior! Our youngest daughter was 11, and it was also hard on her. Our life was different at that time than when my oldest was young and I am just now realizing how badly I dropped the ball with her! She’s 17 and I have a lot of work to do in a little bit of time! I blame all of this on my husband and his lack of motivation! How can a man NOT take care of his kids and wife? And then claim to love them? True love would do anything to take care of the ones they love! Every day is a struggle, do we have money for food, gas, etc? Can we make rent this month? I work part time and have tried for the last several years to get full time work but have been unsuccessful! However, I keep trying, although discouraged, I will not give up!
    So take it from me, do what I couldn’t bring myself to do and leave him! Do it for your kids, do it for yourself, but just do it! It’s not going to change for the better, it’s just not!!!

  36. Hi all, my situation seems a bit different from some of yours. To make a long story short, we have been married over 7 yrs and have a daughter who is 6. When we were first married, he had a good job. He would come home at noon to play video games. About 4 months later, he got fired. My daughter was a baby at the time. I watched our daughter and 5 other kids to help with the mortgage. I was having to do the credit card shuffle. Then, he was diagnosed with chiari malformation… fwd to now….7 years later….he hasn’t worked since. Never got unemployment. He had surgery April 2014 for his constant headaches and is better. The disability attorney told him he had to go to work 2 to 3 years and reapply b/c he didn’t apply sooner. I have worked and supported the family with the same employer for the past 7 yrs. we bought our 2 nd house May, 2014.

    His dad got him a good interview but he failed the pee test ( he smokes weed). No, I don’t. I forgot to mention that we filed bankruptcy, lost our first house, and lived with his parents for almost 6 years. It was incredibly stressful.

    I have tried filling out job applications for him in the past, etc. nothing works. He is only 34 yrs old but hasn’t worked in 7 yrs. he does help with laundry, cleans the floors, and cooks sometimes. I try to focus on the things he does do. However, I am extremely stressed at work and strapped financially. We live pay check to paycheck. No debt besides the house. Our 2 cars are old but paid for. Nothing in savings. I for sure have resentment for him not as least working part-time over the past 7 years. He is able to physically. If nothing changes soon, I will probably ask him to leave. Any words of advice is appreciated. I have known him since age 15 and do love him. Also, a week ago found I have a stomach ulcer. Dr. asked if I was stressed and to do something about it. My mom and step-dad have had the “you may have to leave him talk”. I feel lost…

    • Hi Heartbroken
      You are right to ask him to leave and gooodness sake never have children with this man . Please take our advice on that , at least now you just need to look after you . I know it is hard to leave when your in love , but if heoves you I belive if he goes back to mom he will step up or not. I took my husband back and he lied to me about getting more work. Now I have told him to go again , because 18 months sfter giving it a second go we are back to square 1 . Follow your instincts and good luck .

  37. Mary Lembi says:

    To Fearfactor: Pray and fast, to God, you are not to be submitted to physical or verbal abuse by your husband
    and know if you do go to church, have a meeting with your Pastor, and see if he can console you, Or speak to
    someone, who the Pastor reconmeds who can really help you, and get with a prayer group in church who can
    lift you up in prayer, and believe that The Lord Jesus Christ will make a way for you! God Bless You!
    Have Faith In Christ, and Ask God to give a plan and a way, through all of this!

  38. Alexandra says:

    I really need help because I don’t know what to do. I’ve been married for 18 years to a man who worked on and off all that time. There is nothing physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him, he just has no ambition. I have had to threaten the marriage in order to get him to work, and that was the only thing that has worked. I’ve tried to be kind, patient and supportive, but he refuses to budge. I’ve worked and supported us for 18 years.

    I used to warn him, what if I get sick, and guess what, I got sick. I was diagnosed with stage four cancer two years ago. So now I can’t work and my six figure salary is now down to less than half of that. And guess who still won’t get a job? You got it, my husband. I’m literally too sick to fight with him, but I’m fearful of how we are going to pay bills. Medicare went up and I have to spend hundreds on medical expenses. He takes care of the bills and is well aware of what goes in and what comes out.

    I need a care taker, but he makes me even more sick. I’ll never heal this way. I don’t know what to do.

    • OMG Alexandra your story is similar to mine Except I am not sick (yet) . I have said exactly the same to my husband. And although the financial stuff is hard it is the fact that these men just don’t care about how we feel physically or emotionally . I bought him out of our house to make him leave , then after a year and a bit let him come back on the promise he would get more work. He currently and has for the past 7 years worked 2 or 3 days a fortnight in a low paying job. I work full time in a very stressful job. And I say what if one day I just can’t do this anymore . He doesn’t care , I am sure. I could see myself ending up the same as you. Cancer is resentment manifesting in our body . So you have supportive friends and family ? My advice to you get the hell away from him sell your house if you have to, downsize and look after yourself . You can’t take any of the material possessions with you , and you are right you will not heal in your current environment . But I believe you can heal if you love yourself . Read books by Louise Hay , she is a very motivating lady full of wisdom. I am looking inside myself now and realising I need to love me and move on without guilt this time. ( we have teenage boys and I tried again for them cos I hated share care) I was also stuck emotionally when we were separated because I felt so guilty for splitting the family and resentful for paying child support and giving him so much money to buy him out . You need to heal and live yourself at this time no one else matters . As I said read louise hay heal your life books . You could also google her I am sure you will find some inspiration there . Best of luck you ❤️

  39. heart broken says:

    Been with my husband four yrs married 1, like everyone else I got a lot of promises, my husband gets disability from a back injury enough to help out instead he gives me 200 a month come to find out he pays his son house note car payment and insurance and God only knows what else, I asked all the right questions before marrying and he lied, now I require him to pay bills or get out and go back to his mom, he had to move back there cause of his injury, btw he is 2% disabled I made him get his cdl back so he can find work, he sleeps all day up all night playing video games and eats all the food, as of recently I stop buying food he would go the the kitchen and go crazy if I look for an onion it would be gone I hate to be so mean but if he wouldn’t be supportive of a 26 yo who don’t work and gave all he had to where he lives then I would be more sympathetic but I’m tired of doing it by myself….. Got to let him go back home to his mom and he and mom on same cell phone plan….dysfunctional..

  40. The man I’m engaged to is my best friend in the world. I love him to death. I just don’t know how to handle this work ethic / lazyness (?) thing…. When I met him he had moved to my city to be a manny for his sister, so she could go back to work.(she insisted on paying him a little) I loved it that he was willing to move sevral states up to help his family. After she got settled in a new (very well paying) job, she decided to put her boys in a fancy school / daycare for oober learning durring her work hours. At this point he had been living with my son and I for a few months and everything was going really well. We both worked, and we both cleaned and did home repairs. It was fun. :) But when he stopped working it was like he regressed into a 16yo. At first he looked for jobs, cleaned, and made an effort to make me dinner when I worked. Still great… Then the cleaning stopped. (The only chore he does now is the dishes) Then he told me that he doesn’t want to get stuck in a job he doesn’t like, so he isn’t going to try for jobs that don’t sound fun. (Sorry, tiny rant: does he think that I think it’s fun to scrub people’s toilets? I dont. But I do it because the money feeds us.) Then he started coming up with health reasons why he shouldn’t work. “My alergies wont let me do outside jobs.” Or “I think i have arthritis so i cant do a desk job” or “I have a cronic sinus infection so i cant work until i go to 6 specialists” (he’s slready had the sergery to fix that years ago) its been over a year since he stopped being a manny. He still gets $200 a month from his sister to clean her house 2 times a month (she hired me and I trained him to do it so he’d have a little money) that pays for his cell and gas to get to her house (in my car) I’ve tried fowarding him CL job adds, gathering applications for him to fill out. Working with him on his resume. He just complains that he needs alone time or he gets stressed out. Then he plays computer games with his friends on the headset for 10hrs a day. If it weren’t for my son loving him like the dad his real father could never hope to be, and our meshing so well in other ways, I would have broken off the engagement already. I’ve walked this path before, where a guy starts off all helpful and ends up taking more and more from me financially and mentaly (like a mom) until I end up hating him…. I don’t want this to happen to this one. :( (Ps this is the only “dad” my 7yo son has known. I don’t want it to sound like I have revolving door boyfriends)

    thanks for letting me vent somewhere, it helped unpinch my face a bit

    • Hi there! It does sound like you’re in a bit of a mess. I’m afraid what I’m going to say may sound harsh, but honestly: do you really want to marry a boy? He’s a boy who won’t take responsibility, and he has the best of both worlds. You’re living with him, sleeping with him, giving him love, supporting him, and what is he doing in return? Your son has a man he loves, true, but ultimately the longer this relationship goes on, the more devastating it will be for your son when it falls apart. And how can you keep a relationship where you’re the mother, not the wife, go on forever? And is he a good role model for your son if he acts like a little boy?

      I think a healthier thing is to move out and then see if the relationship can sustain itself. Tell him, “you need to get a job and be responsible before we can get married, and I want to see some proof that you can do that.” And if he can’t give it to you, I think that’s your answer.

      Again, I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But sometimes when we live with someone our lives become so enmeshed that it’s hard to break up, even when the relationship isn’t good. That’s why it’s better not to live together until you’re married. You can look at my post today for more advice on this!

  41. Elaine D'Astolat says:

    I am in a similar situation. I am a high earning breadwinner and my husband is a stay at home dad. It does save us money but he doesn’t do much with the kids (I know from the Netflix viewing history that they watch cartoons all day while I’m at work). He does read books and go running (yay, selfish!) But he doesn’t contribute to our shared life together. If only childcare were not so expensive….

  42. An Anonymous Reader sent in this comment:

    I’m scared.

    I got married a year and a half ago to an intelligent hard working man who genuinely cares about making a difference in the world. I admire him so much, and part of the reason I married him when I did was because he ran out of money and wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent. Since we got married, his nonprofit ambitions have continued to evolve and change. Whenever I talk to him he’s ‘making connections,’ ‘building a new website’ and starting a new fund-raising campaign. Meanwhile, we aren’t paying off any of his student loans, he’s being sued for a credit card debt, we’ve used up all 3,500.00 of my savings and our honey moon money too. I’m working two jobs, but my passion is as an artist, so while my income has always been enough to support me, pay rent, bills, debts and still put money into savings, it hasn’t been support the both of us. And, while we got married at the church, he doesn’t want to get married in a legally binding manner, because he says he doesn’t want me tied to his finances.

    I’ve told him I believe there must be a balance between philanthropy and our responsibilities and obligations. That you can’t pull someone out of the water if your boat sinks. That he can’t keep relying on me to be the responsible one.

    Any time we discuss it, he feels like I have betrayed him and don’t believe in him. Then he says he will work harder and nothing changes.

    We have set goals for when he would look for a paying job, they pass, and he still doesn’t apply for work.

    I have tried to help him apply for work, and he gets upset at the idea of doing something he doesn’t feel called to do.

    If I try to talk about what we’ll do if we can’t pay rent, maybe we should make a budget, he can’t even discuss it.

    I feel so desperate. I believe in his heart so much. I keep breaking down and crying. I don’t talk to him about it hardly at all, even though it weighs constantly on my mind, because I know I have said everything clearly more than once, and it doesn’t seem to do any good. I don’t think he actually hears me, or maybe he just can’t hear me. He has never forgiven his mother for asking him to get a job, any job, and my parents judge him for not earning money and placing this responsibility on me, even though I haven’t told them any of this. So I’ve pretty much had to stop talking to my folks, because I’m hiding the strain I feel.

    I have come to the conclusion that this just won’t end until we actually end up homeless, which could be any month now. I wonder if the best thing is for me to just stop caring, because my pain only hurts him when I express it, and never seems to result in anything productive. I consider talking to our pastor, but our pastor mentors and absolutely adores my husband, and I don’t think my husband could forgive me for bringing conflict into that relationship. I wonder if this will be my life 20 years from now…

    I feel so helpless.

    • Anonymous, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but honestly, you are absolutely right to be upset at him. What he is doing is NOT Christian, even if he thinks it is. I believe that going to your pastor or an elder is likely the best course of action, and asking them to mentor you together (maybe your pastor and his wife?) Your husband likely needs a mature adult to tell him to start growing up. He doesn’t have to put his dreams on hold altogether; he just has to find a way to make a living while pursuing those dreams.

      I know it’s hard to feel like you’re starting conflict, but living like this is worse, and if you do nothing it WILL get worse. So set the tone for your marriage now, not years down the road. After all, what would happen if you get pregnant? He needs to start acting responsibly now.

  43. michelle says:

    I’m lost and I don’t know what to say to my husband…
    Back I Nov. 2014 my husband’s dad passed away and they were really close…. Well he had a hard time dealing and didn’t go back to work( maintenance guy..making 15.00 super benefits 401k the whole 9 yards) he even did grief counciling.. to get extended time and when he was going to go back that night he decided he did like working nights anymore. Now anytime he gets a job or someone wants him to do some side work he says he will be there and decides he doesn’t want to.
    I don’t work I have disabilities which I’m not receiving payments yet..
    we have no kids together…but my 18yr old still in high school..
    we are living on 149.00 a week which is child support we haven’t paid any bills since November…nothing

    • Hi Michelle,

      Sorry you’re going through this! That sounds so difficult.

      Quick thoughts: why aren’t you receiving disability payments? Can you speed that up or look into it?
      And do you have a support system that you can call in to sit down and talk to him and say, “you really need to work”? It sounds like you may need some outside help.

    • Elizabeth says:

      I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances. One thing I can recommend: Has your husband tried GriefShare? GriefShare is an awesome grief counseling program, second to none. (You can find a group close to where you live by going to and entering your zip code). I lost my first husband and went through the program twice. The second time, the Lord set me free from the grief, one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had! The grieving was a period of five years to where I couldn’t work for that entire time.

  44. My husband lost his job almost 2 years ago. He went to a recruiter. The recruiter was impressed with my husband’s resume and said “you are SO qualified it will be hard to get you a job…”!!! So how does my guy interpret this? He’s too FABULOUS to look for a job!!! So now he just stays home basking in his fabulousness.

    When I remind him we are fast running out of money he says he’s going to start his own company. When I ask him about when this fictitious company will be realized he gets mad and says he is waiting “for the right time”. He can’t tell me details of this “time”. Maybe its when we are homeless.

    So lazy and arrogant.

  45. My husband will not do work that he thinks is beneath him. The only thing worse than being this unhappily married would be to be unhappily divorced. I have the pension and it is a fixed frozen income that will never increase. I feel very used that he lives off of me and does not diligently try to get jobs which are less than he had before. He has excuse after excuse. I guess I will just be used but I don’t need to let him know I am happy about this. Now I have to work a very hard part time teaching job (believe me it is not easy and it is full time work with part time pay) and all of this money will be gone.

  46. Thanks.

  47. My husband has been out of a second job for 9 months now. His “main” job is working for my sisters husband which requires him for 1 week each month and pays great! His check from that covers all of our bills apart from housing. We live in an apartment above a small storage business which I manage and that is what pays for rent and provides some extra money. However, with my husband being out a second job, our ends barely meet & we are not saving any money, which means we are not getting any closer to moving on with our lives. He too, like so many other men plays video games, watches show after show on Netflix and Hulu. Although I love him and in many ways it has been nice having him home so much, staying in one place for so long without moving forward is a huge dissapointment to me. Also, we have family reunion plans out of stat later this year and when I first told him that we could stay a second week with my family he was supportive of that. When I recently mentioned it again he said it was unnessary due to our financial situation. This makes me mad because technically it’s his fault if we can’t stay a second week. He would rather sit around than earn the money needed to have a longer family vacation.I love him with all my heart, honestly, it’s all just dissapointing and frusterating.

  48. I also have a lazy husband and even what I do he won’t do anything to find a job even there are recommendations from his friends. When we are still newlyweds he is very determined to look for a job but after many years he hot fired. I feel that he was discouraged on what happened. It’s very hard for me to supply my family needs. We have 3 children and I am the only working as a receptionist on a hotel. I really hope that my husband will find his job as soon as possible because I won’t hesitate to leave him.

  49. Frustrated says:

    What do you do when you know your husband who chooses to be stuck doing minimum wage jobs that barely provides for the family can do more than they are doing with their professional qualification and all. I have tried being his team mate,encouraging and submitting his resumé when I can.He spends time he should be using on finding the best way to get a proper job on his phone or cable TV. I am so frustrated and have lost all the respect i have for him because i feel as though he is waiting for me to land a job as I am also a professional so he can live off me.We live with 3 kids in a one-bedroom apartment and the intimacy as couples is amost non-existent.We live from hand to mouth and can’t even afford toys for the kids yet he is so smug with his excuse of a job.Reading all these comments before mone made me cry because i could relate to them.

  50. I am fed up! In 2011 my husband and I both had good jobs but we were working long hours, never seeing each other or the kids. Some things were going down at my job and I was worried that the company was going to go under and summer was approaching and my husband worked construction. He didn’t know if he was going to make it another summer in the extreme heat. We decided that it was time to make a big change. I found a job on the other side of the country doing what I love! We decided, let’s make an adventure. The job paid just under what we were both making combined.
    Off we went. At first we were getting settled in a new state and city and we decided that since my new job had a lot of travel tied to it that he would stay home with the kids (both were going to be in school that fall). After about a month we decided things were going good and that he could find a job because he was getting board. He found a job that worked perfect with the kids’ schedules but it only paid minimum wage. After about a month, we discovered that it was actually costing us more for him to work than if he just stayed home. We then bought a house in the north part of the state with a little acreage. I thought this was going to be great. We had a few animals for him to care for, work that needed to be done, mowing and all the stuff that a small farm needed. Things seemed to be going ok, but we were living pay check to pay check. My salary was good and with my yearly bonus I was bringing home just Over 6 figures. He started taking the kids back across the country during the summer to visit family and I was left yo care for a small farm and work. My summers are a busy time of year. We discussed him getting a job but he just keep telling me that he can’t work and care for the kids. Money was tight as we were feeding animals, remodeling a building so I could have an office and stay home a little more and he just spent like we had plenty. I received an opportunity to get us closer to home with my company and took it. We bought an old house with plans of restoring it. Since we moved in, he put up a fence for the dogs and privacy and tore out one room. That is where it ends. He now sits on the couch doing nothing all day. I come home to a mess kitchen and house. Laundry is never done. I try to give kids chores and not let them do fun things until the chores are done and he comes right behind me and undoes everything I have worked on. I have asked him to get a job as the kids are old enough to stay home for a couple hours alone now. I even said we can get after school care. For some reason daycare was fine when the kids were little and now he has some issue with someone else watching the kids. He does nothing, I continue to pay all the bills and when I decide to treat myself to a little something he makes it out yo be the end of the world. That I am waiting his hard earned money. He hasn’t earned any of it. I am ok with home not having a job as I can support us on my 6 figure salary, but he won’t lift a finger around the house. I told him that he either needs to start working on the house or get a job. I am not going to live with a lazy person anymore when I work so hard and have a good work ethic. He tells me he doesn’t feel like a man because he doesn’t have a job or supports his family. I tell him that is that is how he feels he should do something about it. He never talks to me anymore and the other day had the nerve to call me fat to my face. I am just holding on long enough to get the house back in sellable condition and then I feel I am going to have to leave. I can’t continue to live with someone so lazy and mopes around the house all the time like he has it so bad.

  51. Misandrist says:

    This is a mighty big boat for all of us to be in! I’m reading post after post that sounds so familiar, I want to cry. I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that I’m much stronger and more motivated than my husband will EVER be. I don’t know how I let that happen, except the fact that I fell in love. And I do love him. I’m struggling to respect him, though. We’ve been married a little over 3 years and he’s been unemployed for a total of 13 months of our marriage. If it weren’t for me spending many of my waking moments searching for postings, writing his cover letters, updating his resume, then he wouldn’t have any applications out there.

    It doesn’t help that 90% of the hiring managers won’t give ANY update at all – NOTHING. Which sinks him further each day.

    I don’t know about you, but I was raised that you get exactly five minutes to feel sorry for yourself, then you have to move on. He’s stuck in “whoa is me” land and doesn’t realize how hard it is to live with someone who’s consistently in the dumps. Yes, he’s depressed. Yes, he needs medication. But his excuse is that we don’t have the money. See the cycle?

    I was told by a co-worker that men and women approach the job hunt differently. We women had to fight like heck to get into the workplace, so we know the very definition of persistence. Men haven’t had to fight like we have, so it’s not in their nature. My husband says his pride is what’s keeping him from working at McDonald’s, but what about pride in bringing home SOME money? ANY money?!

  52. As the adult (male) child of a marriage in which the woman (my mother) worked two jobs to support the man (my father) who wouldn’t work, while doing most of the housework and childcare, and who refused to divorce him until long after I’d moved out on my own and gotten established, I just wanted to say to all the women here who are struggling with lazy husbands who won’t work: get out now! Stop digging yourself in deeper. A “man” who won’t even be bothered to pretend to search for work to support himself, let alone you and any children you might have, is not worthy of the title, and is simply taking you for a ride.

    I watched my dad do it to my mom for years, while she waffled back and forth not knowing what to do because she loved him, truly loved him, and didn’t believe in divorce. And he took her for a ride. A 30 year ride. And he got free room and board, free emotional and financial support, and even a free Ivy League education out of her, that he barely cared to use after the first 3 years. It finally took the intervention of family to separate the two of them and to pledge to my mother that they’d have her back if he raised hell in the divorce. And by then, I’d matured to similar thoughts, and I promised to testify against him if he so much as asked for a penny from her. My own father. But, he used her for years. He filled her head with empty promises and vague threats to her financial well-being if she ever left, and they were ALL empty.

    A man, it turns out, is not likely to find sympathy in court after it becomes apparent that he let his wife work to support him for years against her wishes. Even though the laws appear to enforce alimony in situations where one spouse has not worked in years, if that not working is itself part of the divorce complaint then no judge is going to order you to keep paying him for nothing, and no judge will blame you for walking away. Don’t let these lazy men turn you all around and mix you all up. That is not the way that these laws work.

    Please, women, do yourselves and your children a favor and LEAVE these men as soon as possible. No matter what you think about your situation and its complexities, it’s never as bad as you think. All you have to do is stop paying his half and walk away. The worst thing that can possibly happen is that, in order to get him out of it, you may have to let your home go into temporary foreclosure. You may have to sacrifice your good credit for a few years. But, having lived this myself, I say so be it. Walk away. Cut up all your credit cards and leave. Get your own apartment down the street, take your children with you, and let him find his own way. Do it for yourself. Do it for your children. Do it for other women. Make a clear statement with your actions that men cannot get away with using you as a parent and a slave. Equal rights doesn’t mean you having to be the breadwinner and be happy with it when you didn’t agree to it in advance. And any man who tries to put you in such a situation against your wishes is just using you and your love and deep down knows exactly what he’s doing.

    It pains me to no end to see how confabulated modern culture and modern “men” have made women. They’ve got you not even knowing what’s up and what’s down anymore. But it’s simple. Marriage is a contract and these men have broken their end. So break your end and move forward without regret. You didn’t do this to yourself. But by staying, you’re allowing these men to keep doing it to you. You’re not helping them, or yourselves, or your children long term. If nothing else, stop paying for him. Stop supporting him. And move forward. No matter what you think may come, I promise you that there is no court in this world that will hold you to task for failing to support a husband who will not lift a finger to support you in turn, and your children will thank you in the long run and you will gain their respect. Especially if your “husband” wasn’t really taking care of them during his long hours spent at home anyway. Children know when something is wrong in a home. Children want their mothers with them in the daytime, not their fathers. If your husband can’t respect that your children need you, their mother, to mother them, and their fathers to provide for you and them both, then why do you feel compelled to respect him and tiptoe around him about the issue? And why do you feel guilty for not respecting him? What has he done to earn your respect? What have you done to earn his poor treatment of you? My guess is nothing, nothing, and nothing.

    Again, to all women in this situation, my advice as the product of one of these modern marriages in which the man got a gullible woman into a situation in which she ended up pulling both her own weight and his, is to get out now. Because these men know what they’re doing, and they’re just using you. If you have children together, they may be using the fact that you have children, to keep you stuck in your situation, and to keep getting their free ride. They don’t care about you. And they’ve broken their end of the contract. So have no guilt breaking yours. Do it for you, and for the kids, and for other women everywhere, to send the message that a man is only a man who behaves like one. Don’t let your children grow up in the shadow of a deeply exploitative relationship. It’s hard, so hard to leave when they’ve got your head all mixed around like they do, but in the end, you’re not doing anyone any favors by staying. You’ll never convince them to change, because they don’t respect you. And every year you stay you only dig yourself in deeper, financially and emotionally, and you run the very real risk that your children will learn from your example at home and recreate that same dynamic in their adult lives. I think you need to ask yourself this, as it is a real, very real risk: what would think if your grown daughter got herself a husband like yours? What would you want her to do? What would you want her to say to that husband? Please, ask yourself these questions, and then follow the answers yourself. It’s the only way. I lived this as a child and only recently left it all behind, and I know what I’m talking about. God bless all of you in this boat. I promise you it gets better. Once you make that first step towards getting out, it gets better. And don’t forget that God exists and sees your struggle.

    • KEK you are so right in your advice, except to say there is no court who would expect a woman to pay when the husband hasn’t worked . My husband got almost half the house , then he inherited money and bought his own . On top of that my 13 year old son chose to live with him full time a month after we separated. After all Dad is the one who had been home after school all these years . However my 16 year old shares his time between the 2 homes and seems to have a better understanding of what I have been through. My 13 year old though sees the anger I am responsible for displaying over all the years I stayed studied and worked ( while my husband spent his days surfing) . But you are right we do have to stand up for ourselves . But there is a price to pay whichever way you go. In my case it is one son who I have a difficult relationship with and barely see. I do hope in time he comes around for now I just let him know I love him and this alwsys home if he ever wants to come back . The other price is paying child support , and a caveat on my house which ofcourse is paying for his home. Never the less I am better off even without one son in my life much right now because my mental state was not good and the tension was way too bad for its all to bear. You see I made him leave about 3 years ago and after over a year he talked me into giving him another chance promising to get more work ( he has worked 2 to 4 days per fortnight in a low paying gardening job for the past 8 years). Well he didn’t enven try to get more work so the second time round I could not believe he would lie but as you say he knew exactly what he was doing. So girls my advice stand up for yourselves but there may be a price to pay so be ready .

  53. I read thru some of the replies but didn’t see this one. My wife would not work until I left her. I believe some people have personality disorders and believe they should not have to work. This is particularly true of antisocial personality and narcissistic personality disorder. They both feel entitled not to have to work and think you should care for them. Don’t think you are going to change them as they are steadfast with their sense of entitlement. I live in Baltimore where there is a very high number of people who don’t work, especially the men. There is a big difference between being unemployed and not willing to work. Unemployment statistics refer to those individuals who are unemployed but looking for work and does not include those who are not willing to work. If one is not willing to work even when they do not have a REASONABLE excuse for not working this should be a red flag. It is likely they are doing other things you wouldn’t like.

  54. Mary Lembi says:

    Through Jesus Christ, you have the God given right, to separate yourself, from him.
    Your husband doesn’t show me, any respect or love for you, You need a man that
    would die for you, and that will provide for you and the family! Pray to Jesus Christ!
    for a Plan, that he can give you, and He will answer you! P.S. Ask the church to help you.

  55. Elizabeth says:

    In reference to Mary’s comment, it is true that husbands are called to love their wives as they love their own bodies. We are called to respect and submit to our husbands unless either of those commands would dishonor the Lord. Sanctification is a growth process. While we want to look to our husbands in terms of what they are or are not doing, we will stand before the Lord one day only for what we have done. Please seek the Lord earnestly and let Him tell you what He wants you to do. Consider whether your husband has loved you in other ways. My husband balked at being the primary provider for a long time and still has to prove himself “in the real world”. In other words, he has come to grips with owning that role; now he needs to find work that will enable him to do what he has said he wants to do. In the meantime, the Lord has sustained us – miraculously! I see that I don’t respect or submit to him like I should. How, then, can I expect him to function perfectly in his role? Separation can be good. I did that myself last month – for five days. Though we are still struggling, we are making progress. It was good for me to go and good for me to make sure it was “safe” to come back. God is in control and He will protect you. He loves you more than words can express!

  56. I know but we do not have reasons to leave our husbands except for infidelity. If he is not unfaithful, meaning having sex with another, then we cannot leave. Even if Paul exhorts husbands to love their wives, that does not still give us biblical reason for divorce and if you are working or have a pension and you think divorce will free you, be careful. After the lawyer gets all the money, you will still have to share your money with him. so saying that the husband should die for the wife still does not give us the right to leave.

  57. grannie says:

    Your husband needs to see a therapist and maybe get some anti depressants.

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