52 responses

  1. Lindy
    August 26, 2013

    About 2 years ago, my husband lost his job and was unemployed for two months. Let me just say that my husband has an incredible work ethic- he never misses work, ever. But, At this time we were dating and I had a full time job that paid well. I was very surprised at his reaction when he lost his job. He wasn’t motivated to find a new job, he seemed to just give up. He ended up totally “checking out”, not wanting to talk to me or come see me and I got scared. He wouldn’t accept unemployment either. I did break up with him at the end of those two months because I was scared and thought that he wasn’t who I thought he was. (However, two months later I called him and we got back together, and a year later we were married (this past Dec.)) :) anyway, A few months ago he was working a horrible graveyard shift Job where he was severely underpaid and not treated well. I helped him get a full time job with the State (it’s very secure and he loves it). I’m more aggressive than he is so I was applying for jobs for him during the day (while he had to sleep for work at night) and he would review and sign them. I was frustrated but I felt this I’d what I had to do to help him because his job was physically and mentally draining (he worked at a chemical plant and the conditions were questionable). especially because on the weekend his hours would “flip” to spend time with me- he’d be awake during the day and sleep at night just to sleep all day Sunday to go to work Sunday night. It was pretty rough but he finally landed a full time day job in April. And just last night he said that his life is so much better since he married me cause I helped him with finding his job, planning for the future, etc. :) I felt that I was helping him by applying for jobs for him because I already worked for the State and I knew how the process worked- not to mention it’s VERY tough to land a State job here. We found out for the position he got they had about 200 applications! I think this job gave him the boost he needed- he’s only been there four months and he’s talking about wanting a manager job maybe next year to help provide for us and our future family :)

    • AJ
      March 1, 2014

      Your comment is awaiting moderation.

      I am in the same situation in that my husband was laid off nine months ago. His ending salary was just over $90,000 per year so we are feeling the pain HARD. I have a good job too, but my husband was always the primary provider making the most money and you just can’t lose that amount of money and stay floating in most situations.

      We have gone through all of our liquid savings three months ago which means that now things have to start being sold off. I just sold one of our three cars (3 because we each had one for work and we have a son in college who has an older used car he commutes with). I have taken on an extra part-time job just to keep my son in college which means I’m working one full-time and one part-time right now. I had to sell the house and go into a rental situation just this month over his amotivational attitude. My heart is broken. My heart is broken not because we are losing things, or even our financial ground, but because he doesn’t care we are losing our security and finances and we are approaching old age. I have kidney disease and an autoimmune disease that has been flaring up due to the excess work load and increased stress. I worked last month despite a severe kidney infection and outbreak of shingles that included my eyes, yet he sits home watching the Food Network all day.

      We’ve been married for 23-years, but I will not allow this to go beyond twelve months. I simply won’t. This is a time limit I have set in my own mind and I intend to stick to it. I will not divorce him because of my religious beliefs and the fact I love him, but I will take a stand and move with our son to a home of our own which will force him to get a job or he won’t eat and presumably will be homeless. I simply don’t know what else to do.

      So, my advice to you, and to myself, is to accept that you cannot change human behavior, but you CAN change your reaction to human behavior which will in turn force the other person to react in one way or another. If we quit supporting them by asking them to leave the home then they will have to sink or swim, but they won’t be playing video games or watching the Food Network all day any longer. This much I do know.

      I know it’s a scary step and not for everyone, but if you aren’t willing to do something to change it then you can’t really whine about it anymore either.

  2. Courtney
    August 26, 2013

    We’ve been through this, and you hit the nail on the head! My husband worked to support us when we first got married and I was finishing college, but we moved after I graduated so I could go to grad school and it took a long time for him to start looking for another job. We were ok living on my fellowship, but we don’t have kids yet, so he didn’t have much work to do at home and spent lots of time playing video games. I wish I had learned how to deal with it sooner. I was so frustrated and I felt like I was enabling him to waste his time, but for some reason I thought if I helped him find a job, I would be babying him. He needed to do it on his own, I thought. I didn’t want to act like his mother. But we’re a team! It turns out it was exactly what you said: he was so nervous to do the initial searching and interviewing, getting a job seemed too overwhelming. He needed encouragement and help, not more weight. I know exactly what it feels like to have something seem too scary you don’t even know where to start and you don’t want to try! I wish I had realized sooner that it wasn’t laziness on his part, he just needed a partner who was on his side instead of someone being judgmental. Now the job he got has given him the confidence to go back to school too, even though applying and auditioning still seems like scary work. This time though, I know that my job as his wife is to help him and he knows he can come to me for that help and encouragement :)

  3. Lindy
    August 26, 2013

    I agree with Courtney too- I didn’t want to be his mom so to speak- but soon I realized he was just overwhelmed at the process, where as I jumped at every job apication I could find when I was applying for my job. It was very difficult at times especially because he would play video games during his downtime and I would feel so angry because he could be spending that time applying for jobs. It was a tough process but we came out of it a lot stronger and more understanding of how the other one works. We are opposites so it’s challenging but so worth it :)

  4. happywife
    August 26, 2013

    Well, to the first wife, no, it isn’t your responsibility to get him to study. Yes, you can create an environment that allows him quiet time (take the kids to the park for a couple hours, don’t keep presenting him with ‘honey do tasks’), but it isn’t your job to say “okay, it’s time to study now.” Especially since he’s not responding to your encouragement to study in the first place. I would sit him down and tell him “Sweetie, I’m more than happy to arrange my day to allow you study time. Just let me know when you want the house quiet. But telling you that you need to study is really not being respectful of you. I know that you are capable of managing your own time, and I’m sorry that I’ve not shown you respect when I tell you that you need to study” If he still insists that it’s your job to tell him to study, say, “No, we’ve tried that and it wasn’t working for us. I trust you to do the studying you need to do, and I will support you by keeping the kids out of your hair and not asking you to do a bunch of stuff around the house.” Having said that, I do see value in Sheila’s advice to sit down and help him set out a study schedule IF he is willing to do that. But that is way different that you simply telling him that he needs to study. I just know that with my husband, we approach things quite differently and he wouldn’t respond at all to my “oh so wise” time management plan. Sometimes the best course of action is to let them learn by trial and error and offer insight when they ask for it.
    If he chooses to not study and doesn’t pass, he’s learned a valuable lesson. Tough, but valuable, and since you’ve removed yourself from the responsibility of getting him to study, he can’t blame you if he doesn’t pass. (although he’ll probably try)
    Honestly, I don’t even tell my high school kids when to study. It’s their classes, they manage their time….. that’s just how we roll around here.

  5. Kellie
    August 26, 2013

    To the second wife….I have exclusively breastfed 3 children while working, it is a pain but it can be done. Maybe you don’t want to work and/or you and your husband have agreed you don’t have to while you have a baby, which is fine. But with a good breast pump, you can still make sure your baby gets breast milk if you decide to work.

  6. Louisa
    August 26, 2013

    We own a farm and have a contracting business to supplement our farm income. But this is seasonal and weather dependent, we often talk about heading to another area during our slow season but there always seems to be a reason not too. I often get frustrated by this, because I am the one who sees the bills and has to make ends meet, and talk to the bank when things get overdue etc. I have often offered to find work, but he wont hear of it, he is very old fashioned and believes that the wife should be the keeper at home.

    My husband has a back injury which makes him very slow in the mornings till his pain relief kicks in. sometimes the day does not start till nearly lunch time. I find it helpful to ask the night before what the plan is for tomorrow, then get the day started early enough with breakfast and early medication. Start with small steps, as has already been said. Also having a budget and knowing how much money we need each week helps. To be able to say, we need $??? this week and it is already Wednesday, how are we going to do this, can make a difference. The Bible says that if you don’t work you should not eat, and he who does not provide for his household is worse than an infidel. We have always lived by this motto, even though at times it has been very hard. My advice from experience is love your husband, respect him, you are his wife not his mother. But if he wont or cant work, you have to. Maybe find something you can do from home, always be on the look out for how you can make and save money. At the moment I milk cows, raise calves, pigs, and chickens. Grow some of our veges and make soap. the soap brings in a bit of pocket money, which at times is what puts fuel in our cars. All the rest enables us to eat like kings on a very limited budget. I realize that not everybody can do this, but there is no excuse for not doing what you can with what you have got.

    I know all this has already been said so has the last thing that I am going to say, you both have to work. where ever it is.

    • Louisa
      August 26, 2013

      One more thing, in my mind, if you can afford video games, you should be able to afford a place of your own. My mentality is that video games are a luxury of luxuries and should be at the bottom of the priority list, if there is a need that would be the first thing on my for sale list. Sorry if this is negative or offensive.

      • Maggie
        August 26, 2013

        Well, I suppose someone could go and sell everything, but trying to sell a video game used isn’t going to really net you a luxury profit, so I see why many people would keep their gaming consoles and games until they do get a job. I think the issue for some would lie in the escapism of playing video games endlessly while job applications or studying wait. And that’s really a personal issue some people need to work through if they have a job, or not, live in a friend’s basement, or have a McMansion.
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      • Anna
        August 21, 2014

        I’m in a similar boat…I don’t want to go into all the details but right now I am planning to cancel the cable TV if only so my husband has nothing to do and will apply for jobs. If he has things distracting him that he can use as an excuse, take it away and save some money too.

      • Beth
        November 22, 2013

        It’s true.

  7. Joann
    August 27, 2013

    I do agree that it is possible to nurse a baby and work full-time. I did it. You do need to invest in a good double pump. (Medela has a great one – or at least did several years ago.) I can also relate to the job for husband’s difficulty. It really helps men to be able to support their family in every way. I have been in a marginally similar situation and it is tough. However, the real reason I am posting is the overwhelmed storage shed! I have a friend who decluttered her basement by going downstairs and looking at what she could see and making a plan for those items (keep, give away, throw away). She then would allocate some time to go do one item at a time. It might be move it to an identified temporary area, or toss in the garbage. Then she was done for the day. (One is always allowed to do more, but must do the minimum daily!) She emptied and cleaned the entire basement in less time than she imagined was possible. I have done the same thing with a room. My rule was never walk by the room without dealing with one item in one of the boxes (and there were a lot!) Now sometimes, that wasn’t possible, but a lot of the time it was. The room was emptied and useable in fairly short order.

  8. Sarah
    August 27, 2013

    My husband graduated from college last May. Currently I am in a contract with my job which I have 1 year left on. My husband has been looking for a job that fits his degree in the line of work he would like. According to my husband, there is not really anything in the job market for his degree in the town we are living in and he doesn’t want to settle for the minimum wage job since he has his degree now. He’s looked at a couple of potential jobs, researches them and decides that the wage isn’t that great. I think to some extent, he knows how much I make and thinks he should make at least as much as I do.
    How long do I wait and be supportive of him in finding his “dream job” and maybe suggesting that it’s ok to tell him that maybe he needs to reevaluate what he’s looking for for the time being and realizing he may not get the top notch paying job immediately? I’ve thought multiple times to suggest that he could get a job that sounds interesting enough and to keep looking for another one since it seems he feels like a failure for not having a full time job?

    • Lindy
      September 5, 2013

      Sarah – could you guys sit down and talk about a deadline so to speak? Like, “try out this job for 6 months and then see what you want to do.” I did the same thing with my husband….except he ended up liking the pay and the job enough to stay. It took quite a bit of nudging (and silently arguing with him) to get him in gear.

      I do understand about him not wanting minimum wage jobs. My husband didn’t either. However I researched different job websites and found quite a few jobs between a certain pay range. They were a variety of jobs but it had the pay range he wanted. Eventually he got motivated and we worked together to find him a new job.

      • Shadey
        September 4, 2014

        I know this post comes late, but my husband never did white collar work he was always more of a blue collar type of guy ( delivery truck driver, pressure washer, etc). We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years and he has been unemployed for 2 of them. My husband is the videographer at our church and is very talented. He produces the commercials and films and edits the show for television. He is so good that when he told me he wanted to do it full time and work for himself, I agreed to him quitting his job and getting his business license. I have no idea what happened, but after he quit his job his motivation to perfect his business has diminished. I can literally count on one hand the number of projects he did in 2 years! I just had a baby 4 months ago and the whole time I was pregnant he still had no motivation to work. I don’t get it, he is so talented! I have been working since 2 months postpartum and he stays home with the baby. I hate that he gets to stay home with our daughter and not me . He says he will get a job since his business isn’t working out. But that has been fruitless. He was working on his CDL since I found out I was pregnant and he still doesn’t have it. I told him he needs to do something soon since we want a house. Please help!

  9. Erin
    September 5, 2013

    I am in the same boat and am in desperate need of encouragement and advice. Please!

    When my husband and I first got engaged, I had just lost my job teaching at a private school and so we agreed to buckle down financially and use almost all of our savings in order to allow me to go back to get my Master’s so I was more marketable and was certified to teach in public schools. After working my buns off, I graduated from a two-year program in one year and am now teaching high school. Meanwhile, my husband was working as an auditor at a public accounting firm and was miserable. He had been looking for jobs for about a year but since he didn’t have his CPA (and had already dumped literally thousands of dollars down the drain taking and failing CPA exams for which he had not studied well enough), no one was interested. Then, he started allowing his work to suffer, ostensibly for the sake of his desperate job search– coming in late or leaving early, taking off or claiming he was working from home (but then not really getting much actual work done), and missing deadlines. Only six months after I was hired, he was fired.

    That was in February. Together, we decided that, while he would continue the job hunt, the wisest course of action was for him to take this time to pass the CPA exams so he was more marketable. We calculated how long we could survive on my salary alone and made our plan. He spent most of the spring avoiding studying. To his credit, he was productive at first, finding odd chores around our house or going over to his parents’ or his aunt’s houses to help with larger projects, but, as I pointed out to him, he was meeting short-term goals to the detriment of his ultimate long-term goal (being employed somewhere he loved).

    By the time the school year ended for me, we were getting pretty desperate for money and he had not taken any of the four CPA exams. Additionally, he was doing less and less around the house. I would come home from work to find him sitting in his boxers (sans shower) in front of the TV with Facebook or ESPN.com on his open laptop, having woken up around 11am or so, dishes from dinner the night before still in the sink or on the stove, and the dog hyperactive from not having had a walk all day. If I was lucky, he would have taken some type of meat out of the freezer to thaw so I had something with which to start dinner. I had a “come to Jesus meeting” with him, so-to-speak, and he admitted that he had wasted a lot of time and needed to get going on studying.

    However, he continues to drag his feet about it and has had to push back a couple of his scheduled exam sessions due to lack of preparation and took one of the tests without having studied enough. It doesn’t matter if I nag– he does what he wants, which rarely involves him studying. He even came with me when I drove from Maryland to Chicago for a conference in the hopes that him being locked in a hotel room with nothing to do all day would force him to study. He scheduled an exam for the day after we returned to assist with that goal. Instead, he studied a bit but also slept in and messed around on the Internet and then insisted that I drive the entire twelve hours home so he could study the whole way.

    I have pointed out to him that he is holding our lives hostage. We literally ran out of money this month and don’t know what we are going to do in order to pay our bills. I have been going to as many paid conferences and professional developments as I can in order to supplement our income and am advising two student organizations and coaching for the same purpose. I am exhausted and he continues to sleep in and then putz around the house. It has been seven months since he was fired and, while there are bursts of job-hunting/studying activity occurring and sporadic attempts to contribute to the housework, the majority of his time (and subsequently our time/life together) is wasted. I am at the end of my rope.

  10. Erin
    September 5, 2013

    And I should note that we borrowed a couple thousand dollars from my parents to pay for CPA-prep software that creates study plans and chunks the material and basically walks him through the preparation for all four exams, so I feel like he can’t claim he is overwhelmed.

    • Lindy
      September 5, 2013

      Erin, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You must be absolutely overwhelmed.

      I am a newlywed and my husband and I have gone through job issues on his end, recently in fact. He became overwhelmed very easily about applying for a new job and when I’d ask about what jobs he applied for that day, he would shut down and not want to talk. This was very discouraging. He would prefer to play video games in the short window of free time he had before he had to sleep and go to work while i would think “you could be applying for jobs! You know you need a new one!”. I’m a natural go-getter so when I found myself needing a new job a few months later I applied for EVERYTHING I could in the field that I was looking for. Then, I started applying for jobs for him too – I hated it sometimes because I felt like I was doing all the work, (updating his resume, creating a cover letter, etc) but at that time he was working a graveyard shirt an hour away and was too tired to do anything except sleep what little he could. So as his wife and partner, I stepped up and helped out how I could -which was applying for jobs for him. And it eventually worked – he got a new job this past April and I got a new job just a month later. We are both making a little more than we did and our jobs are secure. But it took a lot of talking, arguing, praying, and patience (which I try to have).

      I have to ask – does your husband still want to be an Auditor? Since he’s kinda sending you mixed signals (he wants to study/he won’t study/he does other projects instead) it just sounds to me like maybe he doesn’t want to pursue that anymore? I admire you for finding extra work for you two to get by each month – I’m sure that’s very difficult and draining.

      If I were in your situation, I would do the following: sit down with him and have a talk. I am naturally outgoing and a bit aggressive so I would make sure that my tone isn’t provoking (although I might be angry inside) and ask if there’s anything I can do to help. Yes, you’ve done a lot so far but just see what he says. Then you guys can talk about what HE can do. You guys are a TEAM. Yes, he’s the one that’s looking for a job. But maybe he needs your help and doesn’t want to admit it. My husband (when he was working graveyard shift and desperately needed a day job in town – his health was being affected and it was a BAD situation and bad pay) shut down on me quite a few times and I felt like I had to hold his hand a bit. But sometimes he has to hold my hand too. Was the fact that I found and submitted hundreds of applications for him worth his current job? Absolutely. He’s happier. He’s put on 10 pounds (the guy was a stick.) And he’s now even looking at management positions at his current job. :)

      I will be praying for you and your husband. Keep your chin up. I know the feeling of “JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!.” But as much as I may want to, I cannot change my husband. I can talk, I can cry, I can vent, but he’ll do what he wants. Eventually we got on the same page and worked together as a team. And we’re much stronger for it.

  11. Been There
    September 5, 2013

    The story with the video gamer? I went through exactly that (but with one child, not three). We lost our home and had nowhere to go but his parents’ dark dirty apartment in a rough neighborhood. I was working (and in school, and nursing a baby) but my income just wasn’t enough. He never got motivated, he never tried even once. After exhausting all options (interventions, counseling, prayer, etc) I chose to divorce him. That was 5 years ago. I have since remarried and have more children. He is exactly where I left him, playing video games 12 hours a day. He’s never worked since and he’s about $23,000 behind on child support. The worst part is that my child from this marriage does her very best to imitate him and challenges us constantly. :-(

  12. IGaveUpToo
    October 11, 2013

    I’ve been married nearly 6 years, and my husband has never had a “real job” in all that time. When we got married he moved to my place and did start looking for jobs and went on a few interviews but nothing panned out. He claims there is no job for him (he has more skills than me!), and then he complains that no one will hire him so it’s not his fault. Meanwhile, I work full-time and have two volunteer positions in my free time. We really could use the money ANY job he would take would give us, but luckily he hasn’t added too much to the the expenses I was already paying living alone. We are older and have no children, thankfully. Every time I even remotely hint that he should apply for some jobs, I get screamed at. I find it harder and harder to respect him as a man–maybe I’m old fashioned–but still I do. I know that if I left him he’d just move in with his mother who’s not financially well off. Sure he may be very well be depressed, but I can’t force him to go to the doctor nor can I force him to get a job. I’ve just kind of accepted the situation the way it is, but it does bother my parents and brother. They don’t respect him, and there is always that elephant in the room at family get togethers. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with him.

    • carolyn
      October 30, 2013

      Please tell me how to maintain a good relationship once the respect is gone. I’ve lost all respect for my husband, who ran us into debt $30K in 3 years and had a lean put against MY house! I had to let him go, I have 3 children and he was so financially unresponsible. He tied his own house up with his business, and rather than just lose everything, he throws more money at the fire every month. I don’t know what he’s thinking, except he’s finanacially all but ruined me. Respect? How do you rekindle that? I couldnt do it.

    • Linda
      March 7, 2014

      Omg that sounds exactly like my husband :( I love him so much.. We have been married 3 years and he’s only work about 2 months out of 3 years .. He gets so mad when I mention a job and he always tells me he can go live with his mom. He’s almost 40 and rather live with his mommy than work.. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care. We are always broke and worrying about money. I am disabled and have a teen daughter.. All three of us live on only $800 a month :( Do you know how hard that is? Its a struggle to even afford basic stuff like shampoo and necessities . I just feel so over whelmed. :(

  13. pattyb
    October 19, 2013

    I felt so fortunate to have come on this site & begin reading comments; my husband has been unemployed for a little more than a year & he seems stuck. He was “downsized” from his last job because he simply didn’t have the needed skill set to match the jobs that were being requested. He’s one of those proverbial “nice guys” that people like to be around, but he doesn’t have a skill set to back up his talk. We had just bought a house & I recall asking him if this job felt secure. His answer (as is a common response to almost anything you ask him) “Sure”. We have spent money on suits, plane tickets to cities that he comes home from, sure he has a job (to the point of telling me to submit my notice at work cause we’re moving – I didn’t) & then him becoming increasingly passive aggressive when I ask a week or 2 later what the job status is.

    I guess I might feel more sympathetic if he hadn’t been so insistent the entire time we were dating & early into married life that “both of us have to work to have the lifestyle we want”. In the 15 years we’ve been married, I have been unemployed a grand total of 3 weeks. This is a blessing & I thank God everyday that I have stable employment. I guess I’m just starting to resent getting up at the crack of dawn & leaving for work while he sits at the kitchen table having breakfast & reading the paper on his Ipad. He does the laundry & will occasionally vacuum the floor but that’s it. No cooking, no other cleaning, no planning for any socialization of any form. He wants me to run our social life (what little there is now) & he’s always full of suggestions for other people about what they need to do financially or politically while I know that back at home, he doesn’t follow any of his own advice. We live in a nice home which I currently pay the mortgage on & don’t have a tremendous amount of debt but he’s just finished wiping out the little bit of money he inherited from his parents. I have a savings account that he informed me last week was 1/2 his in the event we ever divorced. When I try to talk to him about our finances, he’s quick to tell me that if we need more money in our household, I should pick up some extra shifts/projects since my skill set seems more valuable at this time than his. I already work 60 hours a week; when is it his turn to start?????
    We’ve lived as roommates for the past 3 years due to his erectile dysfunction. I’m told I’m attractive, outgoing, & smart but lately, people I’ve known a while have been telling me how surprised they were that I ever married this guy. They don’t dislike him, they just always figured I’d go for more of an achiever type. Lately, some of the executives at my workplace have been hinting that they’d like to get to know me a bit better & for the 1st time in my married life, I’m truly tempted. I never thought I’d be one of those women who considered an affair but with no support, no sex, no money, & a man who’s more of a taker than a giver for the past year, it’s looking more & more appealing.
    Thanks for letting me vent. It helped more than you know.

    • carolyn
      October 30, 2013

      Hi Patty – you don’t know me, but trust me, you need to separate the two. If your first marriage is not working out, do not have an affair to get out of it. I did, and ended up marrying my ‘all that’ guy – and HE is the one who moved in with me and my kids and took up the hobby of couch potato. After 3 years, he was given the ultimatum to man up or get out – and he got out. I miss him more than I can say – but I knew him for 10 years as my best friend – if you can’t marry your best friend, who can you marry? And, he knew of my situtation married – he was full of ideas and advice – and holy moly – he did the EXACT same thing! But, it hurts more because I trusted him and he knew and he did the same things. So – bottom line, I am working on ME, why for some reason I tend to allow myself to fall into the ‘head of household’ role – and until then, I am NOT going to get into another relationship – in other words, work on yourself. If you don’t “love” your husband, get counseling. If you are not able to work things out, try separated for awhile – he may change, you may change – but an affair? No way – worst thing you can do. I don’t regret my first divorce, but I never should have gotten involved with another person so quickly – he did the same thing and this time, what a mess!

  14. Workingwife
    October 28, 2013

    Hi all! I definitely am dealing with this burden as well. I fell in love with my husband ‘s wonderful personality and charm. He is a convicted felon but has been a model citizen since his 1 offense at age 18 which also caused him to not obtain his high school diploma. His situation makes it difficult for him to find a job. He was fired from 2 positions in which I stood beside him after both and provided the encouragement and support he needed but he seems to have stopped trying. I at times get very overwhelmed and also feel like I’m raising a child as opposed to having a husband. We don’t have any children and he keeps the house tidy in most cases but mostly sleeps during the day and plays on his phone. I want to give him a deadline but I’m afraid it’ll just get him all upset again and nothing with get accomplished… Praying for change

  15. FedUpWife
    November 18, 2013

    Hello all, I am relieved to not feel alone in this problem, whenever I try to talk to friends about my situation they all tell me to leave my husband which isn’t very helpful.

    My husband is also out of work, but my problem is that he has NEVER worked in his life. You might wonder why I dated him in the first place, but when I met him he had been at one of the top universities in the country with a good degree so I thought he was an ambitious person. In fact over the years I have begun to realise just how little ambition, drive and motivation he has especially when it comes to supporting his new family. I have also seen how he was spoilt by his parents growing up, the only job he ever had was when he was 15 doing a paper round which he couldn’t be bothered to do so his mother did it for him, and the only reason he went to university was because his mother chose which one and made him go!

    We have been together 5 years and now have beautiful twin sons who are going to be 1 next month and who deserve every bit of financial security they can get, and still nothing has changed. We have also been living with my parents for the last 7 months in order to make ends meet and STILL he has no self-confidence to get a job. He is 28 and has no real work experience and therefore does not believe himself worthy of getting a job. For the 100th time we had the conversation about him looking for work and I told him last week that he has to get something because we can’t live like this forever, and his response was that he will and has been looking but is scared. In the week since then he has inquired about 1 job to which they sent him back an application that he is yet to fill out – the deadline is tomorrow!

    Having worked all my life, I am returning to full time work myself, but I don’t want him to be able to just be a stay at home parent, because I’m not allowed to do that when I would love to so why should he? He desperately needs to learn a good work ethic, because at the moment he wakes in the middle of the day, helps out for a few hours with the twins and stays up at night playing computer games. If he doesn’t get a job soon I am struggling to think how I can stay with him without becoming bitter and angry towards him and eventually leaving. I love him and want to be proud of him and gain respect back, because at the moment I don’t have much respect for him. He now promises to get a job but is looking at the shortest amount of hours saying he wants to only work part time and picks apart every job I ask him to apply to. We’ll see what happens but either way I already have two babies I can’t be dealing with a third, and I definitely won’t be in this situation next year so something is going to have to change.

  16. lisa
    November 22, 2013

    Mine has been unemployed for 4 years now. There have been short term jobs in the interim. He’s not depressed, and has been on maybe two interviews, the most recent was last month where he, we threw our hearts into the app because it would have been a great one for him. He is honestly looking, has been. I vascillate between get a dag gone job, this load is too much and understanding, because I know he has been looking. I get mad when I come home after working all day and there is a sink of dishes and no food cooking, and I still wind up having to help the kid with homework and it looks like he has been on facebook all or most of the day haranguing and witnessing to people. I don’t know what to do anymore!

  17. Jordyn
    November 24, 2013

    And just when I thought I was all alone, I stumbled upon this article. Let me say the person I married and the person I’m with now seem like complete opposite. I’ve been with my guy for almost 5 yrs and married for 2. The last five years he was in the military and it will be a year since he has been out. He lacks ambition, drive, and motivation. His family see no wrong in that but quickly acknowledges my faults. I helped him with his resume, I applied for jobs for him and I brought home applications but he doesn’t apply himself. He sits at home all day and play video games. Once a week he may cook or clean. And then when I’m off during the weekend he looks at me and ask ” why do you look so angry?” When I bring things up, he say “oh I took care of you when I was the military!” Mind you I was in the military too while we were just dating. I paid my rent and I drove us to and from work. When I got out I looked for work and I collected unemployment, I never put us in a financial bind like the one I’m in now. I had to beg him to collect umemployment because he is so stubborn. It’s a temporary fix but it’s not going to solve our long term issues. I haven’t had sex with him in almost 4 months because I’m just not into him like I used to be. I’m pretty unhappy as of lately, especially about his attitude with everything. The “I don’t care” and “I don’t want to try”…. attitude. It’s one thing to stick by his side when he is willingly putting forth an effort but it’s a different story to stick by someone who is putting forth “zero” effort towards working on what will help us. We have no kids. There shouldn’t be any excuses. Yet he makes all the time in the world to play “call of duty” and “madden 25″. I got my divorce papers ready.

    • JW
      April 3, 2014

      I know this is several months old. I feel your pain. Long story, short…We met 20 years ago. He came with $400 to visit. Long story, He worked hard and turned $400 into a multi-million $ company, We started our own company…Then the Government jobs we were doing stopped paying us. So we lost our company. Had to go bankrupt personally and shut the business down. We lost 80 acres of property and our commercial building in foreclosures. We kept our home. So far. Since that day. My hubby has been pretty much glued to the couch watching tv. He did work another job after a year of that, but was laid off because the owner hired his son back. Another blow to hubby’s ego. So months went on. He didn’t want to take the unemployment, but I had to force him, as he was eligible. Then it ran out. He was suppose to go for his CDL. The coarse started three times since then, he is now again on the list. Paperwork mess up. Hopefully he gets into the May class. Meanwhile, no income. If I even dare to mention the fact he needs to do something, he says I need to find a job asap. Goes as far as threats to me if I don’t. He explains that he did it for all these years and it’s my turn. Funny and ironic, he made me quit my job before we had our boys. I left a great paying job to let him start his company. Men…..

  18. Tee
    November 29, 2013

    My husband quit his job in January and hasn’t made an effort to find another one since.We have two small kids together.At first he promised he’d get a better job and help out then he started making all sorts of excuses like he’s on a break and stuff. He watches the kids but makes no effort to keep them or the house tidy.I’m a full time worker and part time student and I find it very overwhelming and stressful to bath the kids, clean the house and prepare dinner after work before sitting down to study.
    Recently I realised that he quit his job soon after I got a pay raise to double his salary.I have more skills than him and before we got married that didn’t bother him at all.I only realised he felt a bit inferior when he said he would only work if he found a job that earned him a figure higher than my salary.

    I’ve tried being supportive by giving out his resume and replying to job adverts but he won’t budge.I even tried talking to his uncle hoping he could knock some sense into him but he only pretended to look for a job for a little while.
    I’m finding all this overwhelming and unreasonable and am beginning to lose my head.I can’t afford to buy myself stuff coz I have to worry about paying bills.
    I just don’t know what to do

    • Sheila
      November 29, 2013

      Tee, that is really, really tough. I think sitting down with a third party and saying, “this isn’t acceptable” and “we need to be a team” is really necessary. You need to have a frank conversation about this, and then you need some leverage. Talking to a counselor or pastor or mentor about what that might be would likely be a good idea. You could stop pooling money (I normally never suggest that because I totally believe in couples sharing money, but if one is not contributing at all, they should feel the consequences of their actions). You could cut off internet/video games at home, etc. etc and just stop paying for them. I’m not sure, but likely someone who knows you well could help you both talk through what is reasonable to expect, how you should act as a team, and what repercussions should be if you don’t act as a team.

      Again, I’m really sorry. I’m sure you are overwhelmed.

  19. Bobbie Ann Garcia
    December 9, 2013

    I need an advice pertains to this concern. My husband and I got married for about 7 years now. And from the very beginning I used to work to earn money for the family and still working for the family and the one who used to stay at home is him. Is there’s something wrong with this picture? I mean if he lost a job that is acceptable but what if he does not work even from the beginning but contented to be at home where he got degrees and still there is an opportunity for him or what. I tried so much and I even the one who find him a job but then it seems that it is not an encouragement to him. I do not understand this situation. I do not want to be like this for the rest of our lives.

    Thanks a lot and looking forward for your response as to this concern.

  20. God help me
    December 17, 2013

    I have been married 11+ years and my husband has been unemployed…lazy…7 of them. The other years was not much but atleast he was working. When we met he had a family business and a nice car and the suit. He was living with his parents at 35 and his excuse was the family lost their homes from owning certain family business that someone came in and took them to the cleaners. After marrying him I find out he has always lived with his parents and never had a job outside of his family. I saw his non-existant work ethic after 1 month. I have always worked hard and had lived on my own for over 15 yrs before meeting him.I traveled the world. He had never been out of the state and is afraid to ever go anywhere. After1 yr his mother wanted all her money out of the business so he sold everything off. We got nothing Except holding the bag of IRS. New house..new baby and no money. I moved to a different city and knew no one. My job relocated out of state so i had no income but unemployment. He was offered a job from a friend making 6k take home a month and full medical benefits for him me and now our baby. After a month of that his mom told him to leave the job and we were now in a house that we hadnt started paying the mortgage on. He quit. Since then he has been off and on unemployed …not collecting unemployment..he refused…for up to 3 yr unemployed stretches and this time so far 14 months. He isnt looking for a job…he acts like he is rich…I paid off all his credit card debt years ago and now he has 4 cards maxed at about 30k. He doesnt help at home…he doesnt cook…clean…do yard work..and acts like he is important wearing new shoes he got off ebay and a new watch. He is always shopping on ebay. I am so sick of it. I commute 4 hrs a day to work and it only covers the basics. We have 2 mire months left of float money from the 250k i had saved from working in real estate which tanked. We lost our home and my cars are falling apart. I have done all I know to do. I had 250k in the bank and its all gone. I finally opened another bank account in my name to protect myself from his stuidity Of draining the checking account and bouncing check. He cant seem to do anything adult. At 47 I dont think he ever will. If I leave him he will just move in back with his mommy. God help me. Family gatherings are difficult. My family cant stand him not providing in any way. I havent left cause I no longer make very much To survive on my own with 2 kids. I use to make 6 figures now I make 40k and much of it goes to taxes and train pass to get to work. I am gwtting sick a lot and constantly breaking down. He snores so bad and has gsined 100 lbs since being married. We waited to have sex before marriage and I have never been pleased in that way ever. He cant last more than 90 seconds. Now i know why he never tried to do anything with me. Sorry. I just dont know why I stay. Because of him we are now being audited by the iRS and havent filed for 3 yrs. I am out of tears. I feel like a zombie.

  21. God help me
    December 17, 2013

    I have no respect for him…i dont even like him. We havent slept in the same room for 11 yrs. We have nothing in common but our children.

    • fed up after 22 years
      December 17, 2013

      I know how you feel! Married for 22 years. Husband has refused to work for the last 8 years! He gets little jobs here and there but nothing full time and long term. He got a dui and lost his license 3 years ago and has refused to get his license reinstated because that would require him to actually DO something besides slack. He told me he is waiting to inherit money from his family, only to realize that his wealthy relative will have nothing left to leave him! His parents also told him not to count on getting any money from their estate either.

      He never went to college and cannot get along with people at work. Everyone, according to him, is dumb and knows nothing. He also wont take a job that requires him to work nights or weekends, or any other time that nascar or football are on tv. Also, without a drivers license, he has no way to get to work! He has to rely on ME or other people to drive him all over town.

      He has been known to beg money from people or trying to sell them used items he finds in our house. He then uses this money for beer and cigarettes or he tries to turn that $20 into $100 in a gambling machine!

      I consulted with an attorney who told me that since i allowed him to not work and that i supported him for this long, he can sue me for alimony and will win. Since i have been his sole support, he has more rights then me. He also does not have to move out of the house.

      I run a dog rescue and have 6 dogs, it is impossible to find a rental to take me and my animals. He wont move out and says he does not care, that he will NEVER let me leave him. That it is my JOB to take care of him now. That he is retired. (he is 50).

      He wont take care of himself and has lost 2 teeth. So he cannot go on any job interviews! No insurance and no money to get his teeth fixed. Just another excuse for him no to work! His parents offered to pay his dental bill but he refuses to make an appointment. He has lost 25 lbs and is a walking skeleton. Wont see a doctor. Maybe he will die! Horrible to say but that is how bad things are!

      The laws are not for women and children, they are all for the man! I am stuck, I have 0 money, live paycheck to paycheck and cannot make ends meet. While mr wonderful sits around and tells me everything will be ok if would give him more sex. GROSS. I have NO desire to have sex with him EVER!

  22. God help me
    December 17, 2013

    I dont know what to do. If I leave to go out of state with my kids his mom will do whatever it takes to get me. She already told my kids is your mommy trying to take you away from me? This isnt even the tip of the iceberg. She screams at me in front of my children and they cry. She says I justdont support him. What? I let the guy refinance the house to pay for his training for trading and he never would do it and I knew he wouldnt. We lost the house and he still wont work. Always has sn excuse for everything. He says god is taking care of us. Really?????? Help.

    • Sheila
      December 17, 2013

      Hi there,

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. It sounds so difficult.

      I’d say you have two major issues: your husband has a very dysfunctional relationship with his mother (which is now affecting you and the kids), and your husband sees no importance to acting responsibly. The two are very likely linked.

      Raising your children in a really financially unstable place like this where it’s also very emotionally dysfunctional is problematic.

      Is there a third party that you can talk to who can help you figure out a plan? You likely need a lawyer to protect any assets you have left, and to keep you from being liable for his credit card bills, so that you can try to save something for the kids’ stability.

      I don’t normally favour separation, but I do think at times separation is a tool to help a spouse see that he/she needs to step up to the plate and start acting responsibly. Sometimes the only way to do that is to have them realize the consequences of their actions. It sounds like your husband has never had to bear the consequences of not working.

      You definitely can’t go through this alone, though. If you can find a network to help you, at a church, for instance, who can pray with you and encourage you and help you look after your kids that would be ideal. And then perhaps someone can come alongside your husband and show him what he needs to do to act like a man and a father. I pray that you will find people to support you right now and to find a way through, because it sounds like you really need it. Don’t be afraid to ask God to help–I do believe that God is there for those who call on Him, and that He does want to help the brokenhearted and desperate.

  23. God help me
    December 17, 2013

    Sheila -To top it off my son attends SDC classes. My parents in another state said would help but I know the moment I leave the state his mom and sister will figure out a way to get me in trouble with the law for kidnapping or something. I have no suport here. I work so much and comute so much there is no more me left and just churches. I have been told by many people to leave him incl. I feel stuck. Its now effecting my health…emotional well being..financially and socially…everything. I dont want friends cause they cant handle what I am going through. Even at my job I am being harrassed and I stay cause I need the money. I want to run away. I want to pack up my kids and go to my parents.

    • Sheila
      December 17, 2013

      I think you really need to talk to two people: a lawyer and a counselor or someone who can walk you through this. You’re in a difficult situation, and it’s going to be really difficult to start walking through it and make some positive change. I know you’re exhausted, but it won’t get better on its own. So even though it’s exhausting, you’re going to have to talk to someone who can help you through this and who can potentially walk beside your husband and help him make some better decisions, too. You can’t do it alone. I know it’s hard, but sometimes the right thing is the hard thing, and it does take a lot of energy. But if you can’t keep on going like this you are going to have to do something else.

  24. On my last string
    February 4, 2014

    I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and he’s seemed like a hard worker. Hes not a US citizen so work has always been hard for him to find. Hes jumped from construction to limo to houseman. Weve been married for almost 5 years now and have a 2 yr old with the 2nd baby on the way. For the last year hes been out of work and staying home with our 2 yr old. However, he hasnt really taken her anywhere or done anything around the house. I work fulltime in healthcare which sometimes requires me to stay late and saturdays. I come home and he complains I dont make dinner and I tell him Im at work all day and hes at home. He thinks that I should still be doing all the at home chores such as food, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. I am literally on my last string and considering Im pregnant doesnt make things easier. I try to look for jobs on craiglist or job hunting site for him and everything Ive told him about he says no he doesnt want to make $10/hr. I try to tell him something is better than nothing, especially with a new baby on the way. We have a mortgage to pay, car payments, food, handful of credit card bills that I definatly cannot pay by myself. We fight all the time and hes always so angry. Hed rather be out with his friends than going to work. I tell him we need to go talk to someone to help our marriage work and he doesnt want to because that means its “the end”. He expects my family to help us financially is what hes told me. This is HIS family not theirs. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to divorce for our childrens sake but I mentally and emotionally cannot do this anymore. I (or more like WE) need help and dont know what to do!

  25. Stephanie
    March 13, 2014

    I found this because though he’s not my husband yet, I do fantasize about marrying him. My aunt has been super good to encourage me to ask lots of questions and ensure this will be a good fit.

    I met him as my neighbor. The first thing I noticed about him was his true passion for the outdoors. He cares immensely about the forest and knows a lot about surviving there. Anyway I also admired his creative side. In getting to know him, we involved ourselves in a lot of creative projects: making music, cooking together, painting, writing stories, poems, singing. We also walked around a lot, went for bike rides and run together on the forest trails. We had a lot of the same ideas about food and health. I had so many fantasies of wow yes this is the kind of atmosphere I’d want to raise children in. Creativity, healthy food, physical activity, and parents who know a lot about the forest (me plants, him plants, animals, and birds). He’s also very neat and tidy. His house is always the most beautiful and clutter free of all my friends.

    The kicker? He hates to work. He’ll do it, but he hates it. He hates our culture for the petty wages most places offer for the work he thinks has greater value than CEO’s and advertising. At first I admired his rebel attitude and commitment to a different world. I expected that his intense conviction would lead to some kind of awesome home business.

    Now that he’s considering it, he has a million excuses about why it won’t work. He’s also a musician and would rather be doing that for money. I notice myself progressively getting distant from him because well he’s gotta make a living some how.

    And I’m not exactly a model citizen either. I grew up in a home with lots of drugs and alcohol, but there was always plenty of money. I never really had to work much. I didn’t prioritize my college career to aim myself toward a high paying career. I took what sounded fun. I learned a lot about botany, sustainability, women’s health, and midwifery. Right now I’m kind of patching together my own career. I work as a caregiver part time, starting my own business teaching pregnancy classes, have 1001 ideas for craft projects that could make me some extra dough, i am going to professional coaching school, I do unpaid workshops, and am currently doing an unpaid writing gig. I’m new to all this and it’s all giving me face time to hopefully open opportunities for paid work.

    My energy is always tied up in my own stuff that it’s hard to sit down with him with his stuff. At first I admired the possibility that we’d both be beginning to start our own businesses together. But I’ve seen very little effort on his end. Sigh.

    I love him and want to believe in a beautiful future that there clearly is immense potential for, but at the same time I’m 28 not getting any younger and want to know that I am building a future with someone would is committed to creating a comfortable life for us and our future family. I don’t want to realize ten years down the road I’ve wasted my time and now I’m too old to have kids.

    He has a few part time minimum wage seasonal jobs he’s doing starting in April, but then what? He does this every year. Works all spring and summer then rests in the fall and winter. He’s able to do it financially since he’s great at budgeting and saving. But what about the unexpected. He still rents which makes his living situation always unstable. He recently had to move and the money that he saved to get him through til April was very nearly running out because he had to deal with moving costs. Luckily his dad helped. But at 29? I don’t know. He’s always so sweet to me too and cooks wonderfully. But he doesn’t like it when I’m on the computer or drive too much. Sigh

    How do I know that I’m making the best decision investing in this man in love and time when I know I want a partner to have babies with?

  26. maharet raider
    June 10, 2014

    sounds to me like i’m someone’s mom following this advise. i don’t have kids. kind of glad i don’t. what kind of man just sits on his duff all day? not only does he not have a job, but i then have to come home and complain about housework not being done? almost 9 years of the same BS, unable to hold down steady work for more than 6-9 months. i don’t know what im supposed to do with that, but a separation is looming just around the corner. too bad it’s going to cost me even more money. at least i didn’t let him bury me this year in debt. almost did….but i have good people looking out for me. i’m still paying for the problems he’s caused me, but my eyes are open now and it wont happen again.

  27. PhD’s Wife
    June 19, 2014

    I found this blog entry because I am so fed up with my husband not even attempting to apply for a job! He graduated 6 months ago with a PhD. It took him years to finish the PhD because he would get so distracted by other things and many days just wouldn’t go to the lab to do work. It finally took setting a date for his PhD defense for him to buckle down and actually work at writing the dissertation.

    Since he graduated, we have been traveling in-between me working full time this whole time we’ve been married, supporting us. He hasn’t had an actual paycheck of his own in 10 months. At first, I was okay with giving him a little break; I told him that if he took care of the house, I wouldn’t mind working extra and I loved traveling with him. Well, traveling was great, but when we were home, the house wasn’t really being taken care of; laundry would sit there for 2 weeks and I’d have to beg him to put it away and the state of the house would stress me out even more.

    He has gambled away (invested and lost) his student loan money ($50,000), but he just keeps investing more money in the stock market; in fact, this is how he spends his time all day every day. He has been to Gambler’s Anonymous (when I can get him to go, which is not often), but the investing and trading of money won’t stop.

    I beg and plead with him to get a job because my job is very stressful and I often work overtime because he makes me feel very bad about spending my own money, telling me that he never spends money and I spend too much money, so I’ve rationalized that if I work overtime, that money is truly my spending money.

    When I ask him to apply for a job, he says that I just want him to have a job that makes more money than my job and that he doesn’t care about money. He actually threatens that he will just get a job at McDonald’s. Just now, he was “analyzing our finances” and I said that can wait (he analyzes our finances every day), but that he should go to the library (because he’s always complaining about how he “hates our house” because he can’t get work done here) and apply for a job. He argued back that he needs the home computer to find a picture for his profile and that he can’t apply for a job without a picture. He’s upset that I won’t help him, but short of actually applying to the jobs for him, I don’t know how. He’s completely given up and gets angry whenever I bring up the subject. I am at my wit’s end, completely stressed out over my own job and working so much for two people.

    Any prayers or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks,

    PhD’s Wife

    • Sheila
      June 20, 2014

      Hi there! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sounds immensely frustrating.

      I have a few thoughts: first, it sounds like he got his PhD done when he had a deadline. Perhaps he needs something like that for finding a job, too?

      Second, if he’s gambling (and losing) money in the stock market, perhaps it’s time to take away his access to money. He isn’t contributing; he’s only wasting. In this case, I think setting up separate bank accounts where you agree how much money it takes to run the house, and how much money you each get for spending money, and then that amount of money is put in an account he can access. The rest of the money stays in your account.

      Here’s the main thing: marriage should not be a cover for people to get out of having to work on his issues. It sounds as if he has a lot of issues (passivity, gambling, etc.), and he doesn’t have to work on them right now because you’re footing the bill. A little dose of reality may help.

      I have another post that addresses this more called Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? It may apply more to your situation. Hope this helps!

  28. Angie
    June 28, 2014

    Im about to smack the dumb out of my husband. Leave him in his mothers house where she is just making it worse with letting him get away from looking for job, she just spoils him , but than she also complains, she just confuses the whole tell I him to get a job and than laughs about it like if its a joke. Idk what kind of crap this is , but ive read all of these comments and I can think or say to myself is , I love me and I should have some one who loves me just as much. This man thinks im going let it get any further than a year of this relationship. Im done. You ladies SHOULF just kick him out, break up, space from him and say ” I LOVE ME , IF YOU WON’T LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU, TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND ME, THAN BYE! YOU ARE JUST wasting precious time than can be built for beautiful time to be financially unstable and to free to be happy together ” idk where these men are getting the emotion or motion of discouragement but they cannot keep trying to disrespect a woman’s worth.

    Have any of you ever heard the song from alicia keys – a woman’s worth

    Their is such thing as Real Gentlemen out there. We just have be stronger for ourselves, we have to bring back that old fashion smack to the face when they think its ok sneak in a charm and that’ll just do to make us fall he’s over heals. These men are sickening I tell you. Whats happening to love !? Why is even my mother going through this… and she is 67 , my father is 55, in ashamed. She shouldn’t be working 3 jobs and he sitting at home doing NOTHING. Im so empowered to be a woman, to see how much we can put up with and we still are willing to help even when we are at our last straw , we suck it back it and just say kindly, calmly ” I am here . Here to help” than right back to our face we are being taken advantage of.

    I am 23 years young , born in 91.
    The man im currently with is 29 .

    I am disappointed in myself to have let it get to this.

    Lord help me, help this men , all I do is pray for love.

  29. Rachel Carbonara Byrne
    July 9, 2014

    I’m so glad to hear that I’m not alone with all I’ve gone through. I like to think that I am a pretty smart, intelligent woman. But for some reason when it comes to men and relationships I stink at it & always find the wrong guy. I’ve already been divorced once & that was him wanting it after he found out he couldn’t have kids & lost his job & got so depressed he just wanted out & moved back in w/ his mom which is where he still is 13 yrs later. When I married my 2nd husband I knew he wasn’t in a good job but I finally found passion & just thought he just needs someone to help him push himself to do better. My mom told me not to marry him because she said he was lazy & would never be a good provider but I ignored her. We got pregnant right after we were married & I had a good job so I didn’t worry too much. But he is the kind who gets fired from every job. I think one year he got fired like 6 times. Then after having our 2nd son 7 yrs ago I was home on maternity leave & got served papers that our house was in foreclosure. I was making good money so there was no reason it wasnt getting paid. My husband acted shocked & made up all these excuses how it was a mix up & he would fix it. Then I got the mail one day & it showed that my husband was having to go to court for writing bad checks to Publix & his dad was helping him pay for everything. I then went thru his car & found 2 garbage bags full of our mail that he would get and hide so I wouldn’t see & sure enough there were papers about the house going into foreclosure & all the bills he wasn’t paying. He finally admitted recently he has always hated this house & stopped paying cuz he didn’t care. What was wrong is that I put 30k from my 401k down on this house & while I don’t love our house I worked hard for it & him jeopardizing us losing it showed he had no respect for me or my boys. We ended up saving the house but nothing else changed. He still gets crappy $10/hr jobs that he gets fired from & I begged him to leave me & he said no he doesn’t believe in divorce. So I did a horrible thing & found an ex bf on FB and had an affair. Although I told my husband about it & he knew from the beginning so then it got tricky cuz he is still married too so had to deal with the affair & my husband not leaving. I think I thought if I had an affair it would force him to leave me but it didn’t. He said it made him realize he wanted to change so I gave him time. It’s been a year & he is exactly the same. Lazy, making no or little money & just in general doesn’t care although he says he does. He finally said he thinks me & the boys should get an apartment & let the house go & I’m seriously thinking about it. I just started seeing a therapist & she’s making read this book about abusive men cuz she said even though I’ve not been abused physically that I let men use me & drain me & emotionally abuse me. I think I need to try to be on my own for the first time in life & stop thinking I need a man to be happy cuz I let them all make me unhappy really.

  30. Sarah
    July 30, 2014

    I feel comforted in knowing I’m not alone as my similar situation feels isolating at times. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, less than a year of actually being married. My husband has been out of work for four years. He had a number of jobs ready to be handed to him, through my network, but then never followed through and would lie about doing so. We went to therapy and he completely dubbed the therapist into believing that he was looking for a job, but couldn’t find one. So here’s my question to anyone reading because its the question I’m asking myself: how do you decide whether to accept this situation or to leave your husband?

  31. Becky
    October 4, 2014

    I need help with advice… My doctor is talking about putting me on medication for stress due to husband losing job and I work over 12-16 hours or more a day. Get up at 7:30 am and doesn’t end till midnight usually. We both are over 55, but my husband lost his job in August 2013 and was steady looking for work, then he gave up. I found a contracting job that he could do, but I am the one doing all the work, because he has no computer or iphone experience. I try to show him how to operate the iphone or how to take the pictures, but he gets upset and mad. I have Lupus, arthritis and am on disability because of it. Sometimes my knees will go out from under me, but I go to work with him and help out. We are mortgage field inspectors and it started out real slow, but now that it has picked up, I have no time of my own. Just last week I got stung by a wasp, my eye hemorrhaged and he had to take me to the hospital. We have to safe money back for gas, because we drive a gas guzzler. It is his mom’s SUV, because we have no car of our own. My life has been hell these past few months. He does help with some clean up work, but he is very overweight and lazy… I have threaten to leave him, because I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I told him that and he started to look for other jobs again, then he stopped again.
    I have always helped him in his job searches with phone calls, filling out applications online, fixing him a resume and references. I feel like he takes me for granted that I will always do these things for him. We had to take 4 days off, due to me and my eye and I was getting sick from flu… What do you do in a situation like this-he mother also lives with us and is a constant nag, wanting money… I am really at my breaking point… HELP!!

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