8 responses

  1. Sheila
    July 10, 2013

    A reader who wants to remain anonymous sent me this to post:

    As the daughter of someone who cheated I agree wholeheartedly with Sheila’s advice on telling the children when they are old enough to know what that means. My sister and I had the unfortunate experience of hearing it from a still very angry and bitter woman whose husband cheated on her with my mom. We had known there had been huge problems in our home growing up and a lot of neglect and abuse resulted from it. We received the emotional scars without knowing why and then found out from the one person who could paint the situation in the very worst way. She was hoping to devastate my parents by telling us, however, it crippled me and my sister as well.

    I have been the one in my family who broke the trust with spending. Get rid of every possible temptation now! You do not want to keep making that same mistake. I thankfully did not end up divorced but it took a long time to prove that I had changed. (Years.) It does get better though with time.

  2. Lisa
    June 16, 2014

    Your advice is right on. Being the woman that screwed up. It was a hard road back and has been a work in progress for 13 years. It never disappears, and the scar is permanent. But just like the physical scars of an injury. The pain fades, even the scar fades, every once in a while you look down and see the scar again. Forgiveness is key to recovery- but it’s a process. If you both decide to stay be prepared for a long journey in love- actions!

  3. Stacey
    July 7, 2014

    It has been 15 years. I have gone to counseling for my own issues of abandonment as a child, and a marriage counselor for 2 years. My husband has refused to go. It is a tough scenario. I don’t want to leave but I want more from our relationship. I feel as though I have shown I am sorry for my actions. I don’t want to be the one to break up the family. Even though our sons are in college, it would be devastating for them. Sigh!

  4. tonya
    September 30, 2014

    I have had minor contact with exes that I shouldn’t have my husband found out and now he says he is done with me. We have Ben together. For 15 years. But only married 1 I’m completely broken and have no idea what to do.

  5. hopeful
    October 20, 2014

    As being the betrayer, it was the worst mistake of my life. me and my husband were married 13 years, have two small children. financial stress was at an all time high, my husband was always working, i was always working, taking care of the kids, cleaning and all house responsibilities. Most of the time I was i was alone with my children. Weddings, family parties, outings, birthday parties, doctors appts, school activities, after school activities, church- always just me and the kids and I was starting to get so bitter because my husband was never around. This situation went on for years, never dating anymore, then hardly talking. I was very stressed and lonely and lost myself in an extramarital affair. When my husband found out, my world was forever changed. He was so angry and raging and said in 3 months he would be divorced from me. Crying, grieving and remorse were so heavy for 5 months (he didnt leave, says he is staying for the kids). In the beginning, I broke down on how badly I hurt my husband. I prayed everyday and still do. For those 5 months following, I researched and have been mindful that actions speak louder than words and in the worst of it when I felt so overwhelmed with shame and remorse, God was always there and never gave up on me. He will not sleep next to me still but now we are starting to talk again like friends and everyday I pray and make it a priorty to be so gracous for him and my children and that he has not left or filed for divorce. How could have been so selfish? I do believe my constant effort to.change to be more thankful for what I have, not to complain on frivolous things that were just causing more stress and an unhappy home; have thawed the situation considerably. I realize now that communication is so vital in a marriage as well as the way you communicate. Actions make a huge impact. At 7 months I still sleep alone and get sad and lonely but I am perservering to hopefully gain forgiveness as well as a reconciliation. It is a rough journey but to me is worth all the effort and I am changing for the better also.

  6. Whitney
    October 22, 2014

    This post was very helpful to me. I love all the things that you said. Thank you.

  7. Casey
    October 25, 2014

    Hi. I am a husband on the otherside of this issue.
    I found out my wife cheated on me. It destroyed me. It was a total collapse of my reality.
    The greater part of a relationship with your partner is trust, honesty, and physical intimacy. So after infidelity what is there? Every thing in that relationship is now covered in a disgusting coating of betrayal.
    I read this because my wife keeps asking me how long she must suffer. And asking why I cant just forgive her. And what she can do to prove she is sorry, and prove that it will not happen again.
    The answer is exactly what I read here I think. Acts of love. Because you have shown that your sweet words and promises of devotion and love are just that. Words.
    There is a great line I remembered from a movie when this happened to me. ” the bank of fidelity and trust is a tough lender”.
    The marriage we had is gone. Its dead. It will never be the same. Even if I decide to stay with her.
    My grief and anger come from the death of my wife. Not in literal. But in the essence that who I loved and married was a lie. Because who would live or marry someone who they thought would cheat on them?
    I sure as heck wouldnt. So my wife (who I thought she was) died that day.
    Thats what you have to fix ladies. Mend the heart of a man who’s wife and partner just died.

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