Reader Question: When You’re The One Who Needs Forgiveness

Reader Question of the Week
Today’s question is one I often hear different variations of–how do I get my husband to forgive me?

Maybe you need forgiveness for cheating, or for debt, or for something else big. Here’s one woman’s conundrum:

My marriage is down the drain and mostly it is my fault. My excessive spending and taking loans (which have now amounted to [a significant debt]) without consulting my husband has created a big rift between us that seems unrepairable due to the fact he doesn’t think I will changed.

I must admit that the first time he found out, he tried to forgive, but I did It again and this time he has had it. I no it is going to take time to pay all this debt off but I don’t want to loose my family (we have a 3yr old girl) and my husband because of my selfish actions.

I feel like I am getting depressed by the unhappy environment because we barely talk only when necessary. How do I regain his trust in me and our marriage? This was surely not what I had envisioned for my marriage.

Here’s another one:

Last year my husband was traveling a lot for business and we were having some various marriage problems at the same time. I developed feelings for a neighbor, and we ended up having an affair. I broke it off after a few weeks, but my husband knows, and he’s having a hard time forgiving me. He’s not leaving me because of the kids, but he doesn’t talk to me unless he needs to. I feel so stupid and mad at myself and ashamed for what I did, but no amount of apologizing seems to do any good. What else can I try?

Both these questions have the same root: a wife has done something really horrible and broken her husband’s trust. Now how can she get her husband to forgive her?

Here are a few thoughts:

"How do I get my husband to forgive me?" Thoughts on what to do when you've broken his trust.

1. Apologies are Best Expressed in Actions, Not in Words

Saying “I’m sorry” is absolutely necessary when you’ve messed up and you need your husband’s forgiveness. But that’s only the beginning.

What your spouse really wants to know is that you are committed to never having this happen again.

So what can you do to show your spouse that you are changing? In the case of an affair, can you suggest moving or switching jobs if it will take you away from the guy? Can you ask your husband if he will share email accounts or Facebook accounts with you so that he never has to worry about what you’re doing? Can you give him your cell phone and give it up for a while?

In the case of money, can you cut up your credit cards and hand them over? Can you download a spending app on your cell phone that you can share with him to show him where the money is going? Can you consult a debt specialist about the best way to pay off the debt, and then make a plan and share it with your husband, with specific goals that you can show him that you have met? Can you figure out how you can take on the responsibility to pay off the debt, and not leave it all to him? Can you get a part-time job? Start cooking more efficiently and spending less on groceries? Have a massive yard sale?

In other words, putting yourself in a situation where you are accountable and transparent to him, and where he can see that you are serious, will often go much further than a simple apology.

2. Give Him Time to Be Angry

Your husband is really hurt. His trust is broken. You, on the other hand, are desperate to know that your marriage is going to be repaired. And it’s very hard to stand in that limbo time, when your husband is trying to work through his feelings. You’ve already worked through yours; you’re sorry, and you want things back to normal again. You want to put this behind you.

But you need to give him time to grieve. That is his right, and he needs to see that you have changed. That takes time.

In this period of limbo, throw yourself on God. Spend more time on prayer. Read your Bible a lot. Join a women’s Bible study. Find some people who can help support you and who you can talk to while your husband is working through his issues. That way you don’t have to crowd your husband and put pressure on him.

3. Truly Repent

Remember that not only have you sinned against your husband; you’ve also sinned against God. Work through your repentance with God. Read Psalm 51 on a daily basis for a time, and pray through it. Develop some true humility. That will help you work this through.

And as you’re doing that, you’ll be able to accept God’s forgiveness, which is very freeing. No, perhaps your husband hasn’t let it go yet. But you can feel restored by God, and He can help you move forward with that new humility and that new gentleness that comes from recognizing that you are fallible.

4. Do Random Nice Things

It’s tempting when he stops talking to you or when he reacts in anger to act similarly in return. Don’t. Simply be nice. I don’t mean be luvey-duvey; sending him love notes in his lunch is not appropriate, as much as you may want to do this. You can’t force the romance back. But you can get up early and make his coffee before he leaves for work, without demanding a thank you. You can take the car in for an oil change without him having to prompt you. You can buy his mom a birthday card so he doesn’t have to, and leave it for him to sign. You can just simply BE NICE.

You don’t have to announce that you’ve done these things–”did you like me getting coffee for you this morning?”. You can just do them. And gradually, as you treat him well, with respect, you may notice a thawing.

5. Work on Your Friendship

Conversation often returns before the real expressions of love, and that’s to be expected. You only start rebuilding trust one level at a time. Once you are conversing again, and you’re able to be in the same room again, start doing things as friends that don’t require a screen. Get out of the house this summer and go on hikes, or bike rides. Play golf. Do a puzzle. Anything! Just find things that you can do together that are low stress that aren’t necessarily romantic. That way you’re not forcing a relationship; you’re forging a new one.

6. Allow Room for Anger

You may think that several months have gone by, and things are progressing, so he shouldn’t be angry anymore. But it’s often just as you are starting to talk that his anger starts really surfacing. Now he may have a lot of questions–what did you do with that guy? Tell me in detail! What were you thinking when you spent all that money? etc. etc.

When he starts demanding answers, don’t say, “I’ve said I’m sorry! What else can I say? You seem to want to punish me indefinitely!” That may be natural, but he does need time to get his questions out. I’d advise answering them as honestly and succinctly (you don’t need to go into a lot of detail) as you can.

Also, avoid the impulse to defend yourself. “I wouldn’t have had the affair if you had shown some interest in me!” Or “If you hadn’t spent so much time on video games maybe I wouldn’t have felt so lonely!” Those are real issues, and do need to be dealt with. But leave them for another time, or bring them up with a counselor. For now, let him express his anger. Once you have talked about his issues, you can say, “I don’t ever want to be tempted in this way again. Can we talk about how to build our relationship so that neither of us ever strays?” Then you can mention some of your issues–video games, for instance. But leave this until after he has had a chance to deal with his anger.

6. See a Counselor

Finally, when major trust has been broken it’s often a good idea to sit down with a third party and talk things through, especially if your husband has a lot of questions, and you providing answers doesn’t seem to be satisfying him. Sometimes allowing your husband to ask you these questions with a third party present can help you figure out how much to share, and can help put limits on how many questions he could/should ask.

7. Decide What to Tell the Children

I’m a big advocate in not keeping secrets. Children pick up on things anyway, and when they know there is tension in the house, but they don’t know why, they tend to assume that they are the cause of it. Telling your children what you did, at an age appropriate level, is likely a good idea. If you had an affair, for instance, you don’t necessarily need to say “I had an affair”, but you could tell a young child that Mommy did something that hurt Daddy. That way you’re letting the child know that you are the cause of the tension. If they’re teens, it’s likely a good idea just to be honest. They’ll find out one day anyway. Before you tell the kids anything, of course, talk to your husband about it. Say, “this is what I’d like to tell the children.” But my advice is always to be honest.

During the period of time when you’re trying to get your husband to forgive you, it’s tempting to get your emotional needs met from the kids. You’re heartbroken, so you pull them closer. Don’t do this. It’s not emotionally healthy for them. If you have emotional needs, seek out a friend, not your kids.

If your husband sees you accepting responsibility in front of the kids, and not trying to sugar coat things, that will also go further in showing him that you are serious about your apology, and help your husband to forgive you faster.

If you’ve messed up your marriage, the road back can be very long. But so many marriages have found themselves even stronger several years down the road because they have worked through these issues, and they’ve learned better communication techniques and put in place more boundaries. So don’t despair–fogiveness is possible!

And ladies, if any of you have ever walked through something similar, and had to get forgiveness from your husband, and you now find your marriage stronger, can you leave a comment? That will reassure so many of my readers. And if you have any other thoughts on how to encourage your husband to forgive you, please leave them in the comments, too!

Comments

  1. A reader who wants to remain anonymous sent me this to post:

    As the daughter of someone who cheated I agree wholeheartedly with Sheila’s advice on telling the children when they are old enough to know what that means. My sister and I had the unfortunate experience of hearing it from a still very angry and bitter woman whose husband cheated on her with my mom. We had known there had been huge problems in our home growing up and a lot of neglect and abuse resulted from it. We received the emotional scars without knowing why and then found out from the one person who could paint the situation in the very worst way. She was hoping to devastate my parents by telling us, however, it crippled me and my sister as well.

    I have been the one in my family who broke the trust with spending. Get rid of every possible temptation now! You do not want to keep making that same mistake. I thankfully did not end up divorced but it took a long time to prove that I had changed. (Years.) It does get better though with time.

  2. Your advice is right on. Being the woman that screwed up. It was a hard road back and has been a work in progress for 13 years. It never disappears, and the scar is permanent. But just like the physical scars of an injury. The pain fades, even the scar fades, every once in a while you look down and see the scar again. Forgiveness is key to recovery- but it’s a process. If you both decide to stay be prepared for a long journey in love- actions!

  3. It has been 15 years. I have gone to counseling for my own issues of abandonment as a child, and a marriage counselor for 2 years. My husband has refused to go. It is a tough scenario. I don’t want to leave but I want more from our relationship. I feel as though I have shown I am sorry for my actions. I don’t want to be the one to break up the family. Even though our sons are in college, it would be devastating for them. Sigh!

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      Stacy,

      Are you the cheater in this senerio, its not your call to say “you want more” in relationship.

      Its your husband, and he can indeed refuse to go as the betrayed all is not of his cause.

      I support you, but your post reflects of me me me, this is not R but more of D.

      • I Cheated on several levels so deep. that now I don’t think there will ever be anything but distrust. Its become so bad my husband has now destroyed family traditions that have been going on for 33 years because he is now insisting on his inclusion, Two years ago he told everyone after discovering an affair with my old boy friend that where I am invited so is he, My husband had not had a holiday or vacation for the 31 years I had been with him at that time. He had either been at work or in a rehab center everyday for that long,
        I had used promises of a better future if he would surrender his freedom to everyone else, if he would cooperate with his fathers agenda, and now that will never be the outcome again because he took his rights back. He warns us not to interfere with him again, then takes action usually with someone laying bleeding and broken. The latest was three weeks ago when his father thought he was going to teach his son a lesson in good manners with a baseball bat, there was a lesson taught. His father was left in a hotel hallway with the ball bat still in his hand with a broken neck, 33 years of vacation traditions trashed. He had already trashed the holiday traditions last year.
        I won’t try and hold my husband from his agenda now. I told his father this weekend he was not to as me ever again to chose sides against my husband . I wont see anyone else hurt.

    • It’s been almost a year and a half since d day and he still sleeps on the couch. I wonder if he will ever want to reconcile. I am so remorseful and lonely and heartbroken at what I have done.I don’t want to give up but it’s so hard.

  4. I have had minor contact with exes that I shouldn’t have my husband found out and now he says he is done with me. We have Ben together. For 15 years. But only married 1 I’m completely broken and have no idea what to do.

  5. As being the betrayer, it was the worst mistake of my life. me and my husband were married 13 years, have two small children. financial stress was at an all time high, my husband was always working, i was always working, taking care of the kids, cleaning and all house responsibilities. Most of the time I was i was alone with my children. Weddings, family parties, outings, birthday parties, doctors appts, school activities, after school activities, church- always just me and the kids and I was starting to get so bitter because my husband was never around. This situation went on for years, never dating anymore, then hardly talking. I was very stressed and lonely and lost myself in an extramarital affair. When my husband found out, my world was forever changed. He was so angry and raging and said in 3 months he would be divorced from me. Crying, grieving and remorse were so heavy for 5 months (he didnt leave, says he is staying for the kids). In the beginning, I broke down on how badly I hurt my husband. I prayed everyday and still do. For those 5 months following, I researched and have been mindful that actions speak louder than words and in the worst of it when I felt so overwhelmed with shame and remorse, God was always there and never gave up on me. He will not sleep next to me still but now we are starting to talk again like friends and everyday I pray and make it a priorty to be so gracous for him and my children and that he has not left or filed for divorce. How could have been so selfish? I do believe my constant effort to.change to be more thankful for what I have, not to complain on frivolous things that were just causing more stress and an unhappy home; have thawed the situation considerably. I realize now that communication is so vital in a marriage as well as the way you communicate. Actions make a huge impact. At 7 months I still sleep alone and get sad and lonely but I am perservering to hopefully gain forgiveness as well as a reconciliation. It is a rough journey but to me is worth all the effort and I am changing for the better also.

    • Always praying says:

      I too have cheated on my husband. We started having problems after my third child was born. I tried to talk but he never listened. Then we moved and he was never home and I was always alone with the kids. I started talking to a friend of ours that we hadn’t spoken too in a long time. We met up a month later and it happened. It went for 4 months but started getting to be a job. Only saw him in the mornings while kids were at school. Never neglected my family and husband. Well, my husband found out and he started buying me things but I kept telling him to stop. The other guy wouldn’t stop contacting me and things became worse with me and my husband. He would call me going and coming in the car to yell at me. He would accuse me of things. Some were true and some weren’t. One fight we had made me try to kill myself. I just slept that off and was groggy for a wedding we had the next day (don’t even remember it). Then we started counseling. I hated the woman but I went for him. We were better once we left. I walked in eggs around the house. Didn’t know which husband I would get. Nice or angry. He would search at times for things to fight about. The other guy would contact me and I tried to stay away but he would tell me all negative things about my husband. But I tried to stay away. We went away as a family and it was great. We came home and for some stupid reason I sent an email to the guy with song lyrics. My husband found it and flipped. I tried again to kill myself cause I hated what I did to him and my family. This time I was sent to the hospital. When I came out he wanted a divorce. People told me to give him space and now he said I gave him too much. I slept on the couch cause I was scared of him and then he asked me back into our bed. Then I was asked out and into the guest room. He tells me he loves the old me and the one I became. I am trying to fix everything but I have no one to help talk to him. He stays away and tells people in keeping him from the kids. He comes and goes as he pleases and I’m here with our kids. I don’t get in 7 months you can fall out of love with someone you have been with for 20 yrs. I hurt him and I am willing to do anything to prove to him that I’m sorry. Can someone help me.

  6. This post was very helpful to me. I love all the things that you said. Thank you.

  7. Hi. I am a husband on the otherside of this issue.
    I found out my wife cheated on me. It destroyed me. It was a total collapse of my reality.
    The greater part of a relationship with your partner is trust, honesty, and physical intimacy. So after infidelity what is there? Every thing in that relationship is now covered in a disgusting coating of betrayal.
    I read this because my wife keeps asking me how long she must suffer. And asking why I cant just forgive her. And what she can do to prove she is sorry, and prove that it will not happen again.
    The answer is exactly what I read here I think. Acts of love. Because you have shown that your sweet words and promises of devotion and love are just that. Words.
    There is a great line I remembered from a movie when this happened to me. ” the bank of fidelity and trust is a tough lender”.
    The marriage we had is gone. Its dead. It will never be the same. Even if I decide to stay with her.
    My grief and anger come from the death of my wife. Not in literal. But in the essence that who I loved and married was a lie. Because who would live or marry someone who they thought would cheat on them?
    I sure as heck wouldnt. So my wife (who I thought she was) died that day.
    Thats what you have to fix ladies. Mend the heart of a man who’s wife and partner just died.

    • Your wife really passed away ?:(

    • Patricia says:

      What if I do all the good acts from my heart for years and he still does not believe me?In fact he creates more stories and really believes in it.so in his view i would take any chance to sleep with any man,no matter the age or look.when he drinks he shows me love and it flips right back to ignorance and accusations.he does not even believe me if give him compliments.i wish he will come back.and people do change!

      • hopeful says:

        It is so hard I know but unfortunately it will take a lot of time. I have read so many times 2 years if a chance of reconciliation. After a year and a half of trying, praying, changing for a better relationship with him he finally started to give me another chance. It is not easy but the love you want is worth fighting for and God knows that.

        • Patricia says:

          Thanks so much for ur response.it is good to know we are not the only ones going through this. Yes we made our bed now we have to face the consequences.i wish I could turn back time. What are a few hours of closeness with someone else compared to a lifetime in peace with the love of ur life?two years? We are close to that!but the ups and downs are just too heavy i sometimes think we made it and then it comes even worse…

          • hopeful says:

            Ups and downs will happen just like a step forward then feels like two steps back. We did make a huge disappointment and have to work harder than ever to regain trust and it’s not easy. I hit rock bottom during this and cried every day for a year- I always said I could never do such a thing to my husband and my family- I just wanted to die.
            We never talk about it- things have gotten so much better and I don’t want to rock the boat but so many advise that we should talk about it. I am really confused on that one.

          • Patricia says:

            Yes…the talking can be good but also destroy everything again. Everytime my husband starts talking about it again, I am scared.I want to write down my story here because I am so sad right now, things have changed dramatically and I need advice.

          • Tell him you want to move to a better place in your relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes. If keeps bringing up the negative remarks after a year’s time- really rethink the situation.

          • Surrendered says:

            Ladies, it’s been 7 years since my husband found out. He stayed because of our 3 children. Things got better but then I became very ill. I’ve recently gotten better since the doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me. I feel so alive and now, my husband has entered into a midlife crisis, PTSD, burnout and he has decided to cut me off physically and emotionally. He has turned his thoughts inward and has become a different person. I am very strong in the Lord now going on 3 years and have been faithful for 7; however, my husband has decided to unforgive me. This has brought me to my knees to see the reality of the pain I caused. I’m believing God for a miracle and I’m letting my actions speak. This is hard, very hard. But it’s worth it. My sis thinks I let him walk all over me and should demand respect but guess what? I do what God tells me to do and that is respect this man, validate his pain, be available to him. We have a long road. He says in 5 years when our baby is 18 he will decide whether to stay or leave me. I have 5 years to prove my faithfulness and undying devotion to him.

          • Patricia says:

            7 years…wow!and I complain. U must be a very strong woman and thank god for your health now.but one thing I never understand is, when they say if und on this and that or in so and so many years I decide if I forgive u…does it not come from the heart and can it be really decided? My husband says he wants to forgive but cannot forget it always comes back to him.but I will do the same, I want to cherish him for I was the one who destroyed our marriage.

          • hopeful says:

            You are a strong woman and my prayers are with you. God is by you and will stick by you to make sure you make the right decision. Its such
            A long and difficult road but you are never alone.

          • Patricia says:

            I am not strong…just today I complained to him that my life is so bad. And I cried all day.because he gave me the cold treatment.just now I wanted to talk i apologised and he sent me out off the room. He said I have a problem and I can go to my parents. We don’t have a problem it’s me and I am the devil. Only because 1 single day I don’t shut up like I am supposed to.he hates me so much I feel like dying and nobody can help me.he doesn’t care for me.why did I do that….i was so stupid to hurt him in the past he cam never forgive me.

          • This is very traumatic and emotionally damaging. I felt all those awful feelings of hopelessness, feeling like death was a better way out because of feeling so hated every day by him. This has gone on for too long and you need to confide in someone you can trust- maybe someone at church or a counselor?
            When emotional abuse goes on and on- what is the benefit? You are so hurt and broken and believe me, your children are feeling it and its not fair to them to watch their mommy’s spirit deteriorate. Yes we made the biggest mistake ever but if you are truely remorseful and sorry, God knows this and wants the best for you and your children. If your husband will only show hatred, be spiteful to you and you have repented truly, he may need help himself or some physical seperation. This sure as heck is anything but easy but you need to make choices that will be good for your children also. They are already seeing how bitter their Dad is (yes, I lived this) but there has to be an ending somewhere.

          • Patricia says:

            Yes…I thought time is the healer but in was wrong. I wish to be his friend again, his lover, I do care for him but he is not giving in. An end…how many times have in wondered how that would be like. He wants to be free I shall let him go.but how if my heart is not ready. I told him the only time I will leave him alone and stop hoping is when he loves another woman. Until then I will fight. Our kids sure they see and feel.I am torn in between why did god bring us together? I used to be a shameless and careless person but this action and his reaction changed me all the way.I will never repeat my deeds. I still have hope. Thank u all for ur answers! It is good to know not only me alone made that huge life changing mistake.

        • Patricia says:

          Yes we made our bed now we have to face the consequences.i wish I could turn back time. What are a few hours of closeness with someone else compared to a lifetime in peace with the love of ur life?two years? We are close to that!but the ups and downs are just too heavy i sometimes think we made it and then it comes even worse…

          • @ Patricia. I understand how you feel and it is hard sometimes especially when you think things are ok and then you get the cold shoulders again. It is a rollercoaster of emotions and it is to be expected. We made the choice so now it’s up to us to change and make things better. It’s all on how we behave going forward. But I’m not sure you saying that you are the ‘devil’ or telling your partner that your life is so bad will help him heal any faster and make him want to forgive you. Making a bad choice does not mean you are a bad person. Just hang in there and continue to be there for him, he needs to feel loved and wanted again. Try to be happier around him…happy is infectious! All the best.

          • Well said, I had to realize that I had to change into someone he wanted to be with.

          • Patricia says:

            One question for you all.Do or did your husbands call you names like bi*** or prostitute in a normal way as it is your real name? What did you do?

          • hopeful says:

            No. Initially there were some vulgar name calling but it couldn’t go on if there were to be any chance of reconciliation. There is enough hurting why add to it

  8. This post gives me hope.

  9. I did something bad and I spent all of the money in our savings account. I lied to my husband about it and i completely lost his trust. What would be something I could do to make up for this to show how sorry I am?

    • If you are truely remorseful, show through actions as they speak more than words. Offer to get another job without complaint and offer to immediately have your checks deposited into a savings account and offer to show him a weekly or monthly status of the account. Write a letter to him, sometimes expression through writing can get your point across. Dont give up yet, broken trust will take time to rebuild.

  10. I just wanted follow up to my previous post from October. God has truely helped and guided me on the road to rebuilding myself to be ever so gracious for everything and be a better person. With persistance and daily prayer my family has cpme togeher and I am so much happier and am ever so forgiving of others. How can I expect forgiveness if i dont forgive? I realize that i have caused so much pain and anguish to someone who loved me and i am repenting and changing for the better.
    Going through this has literally been the toughest and worst thing i have ever gone through but I do believe that Jesus uses some of the most painful things in life to be more like him.
    I can understand how painful and awful people on both ends of the ordeal can feel and the anger, bitterness and rage that can come from it because i lived it. If remorse is truely felt, please dont give up hope. God has listened to me everytime i spoke to him. My life is forever changed and I know that my husband believes my remorse and realizes my actions to repent to make amends. Its still hard and 8 months later we are still sleeping apart but to me all the hard work I have been doing to make our relationship better is worth the chance to have our marriage work out.

    • Patricia says:

      I am happy for you!i would love to pray with my family but my husband thinks I use it as manipulation.

      • hopeful says:

        Thank you sooooo much for that. It has been such a tough ordeal but I would not give up. He is still so hurt and its going to take a long time to heal. We actually just started sleeping in the same bed again just two days ago- I never thought that would happen again. He was just so angry. God has watched over us and stood by me in my deepest sorrow and didn’t give up on me. I am forever changed and hope I can help others that have been damaged by the same ordeal.

        • Patricia says:

          Hopeful, sleeping in the same bed is very important,my husband sleeps in the livingroom only every blue moon he comes to bed.i miss him so much even worse because I caused it.his mistrust is so big this morning the house door was not locked and he gave me that look…I know he was the last one to enter the house but dont I dare saying something…

  11. I cheated on my fiancé. The anger he has towards is sometimes more than I can bare. He wants details, and once I give him details there’s more anger. I feel so remorseful I cry so many times in a day. I can’t eat. I have lots 14 lbs. I can’t sleep. I’m in a nursing course and I can’t function to study. I lied so much it spiralled out of control. I kept lying he kept digging, finding out everything. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. He wants to hurt me by doing what I did, but he said he’ll tell me he’s going to do it. Im dying inside. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

  12. Thank you for this advice.

  13. AJ Collins says:

    It has been 18 months since my husband discovered my emotional affair. The road is a rough road to travel. .. but you have to walk it, sometimes hand in hand, sometimes silently at either side.
    What got us through is prayer and intentional acts of love, and 3 months of marital counseling.
    You just have to keep working at it. Keep talking. Keep making physical contact (if you can), hugs, kisses, back rubs, anything for connection. It is hard, but worth it.
    AJ Collins recently posted…Finding Grace in ExhaustionMy Profile

  14. I cheated on my husband and am pregnant from the other man. My husband is so loving and forgiving, I just don’t understand why he keeps loving me. He needs me to completely break it off with the other man and I haven’t been able to. He is the father of my child and I don’t know how I can just not allow him to be a part of this pregnancy but that is what I have to do to save my marriage. They both are telling me they love me and want me to be with them. I need the strength to make the right decision. I hate what I have done and the pain I have caused everyone. I need prayer. Thank you.

  15. Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs healed from an affair
    http://www.hopeformarriages.com

  16. I am a deployed Soldier to be called by his wife of nearly 18 years that she has had a relationship with a guy from the gym. She then calls me the next day to inform me that she invited him into our house two days before Thanksgiving while kids were in school to help bake pies and have what she swears was only a kiss, this was not to long after talking with me on the phone. Being deployed this tore me up I lost all trust and the fact she shared something with him that she said she loved doing with just me. I felt like a second rate citizen and the things I loved doing with my wife going to the gym, cooking I can not do no more. I am still not sure if we will fully recover, I am very protective of my feelings and she was my only one who I had entrusted my heart to. I wanted a divorce, but we have four kids and I do have feelings for her. It will take time and I am not sure it will ever be the same and I am not sure she is telling me the truth that there was no sexual just kissing, but for me the emotional and the fact that she brought him into what she always called a safe haven our home hurts me the worse.
    We do continue to have prayers over skype because I do not want them to know but eventually I would imagine they will have to know although I am deployed which makes it easier in not explaining, they do not see the tension. When I get back I really cannot put a time limit on recovery and if I sense that she is holding back I told her I will leave. So be honest and things DO NOT GET better with time. If struggling in trust then get a base line by have her or him take a polygraph. I have considered this. I will tell you the advice in this article is good and my wife is following it, do not take the victim role it was your choice to commit the act and your husband, like me, will go into his cave and you will not hear from him if you cannot realize what you have done.

  17. I confided in my husbands family because I was living in fear and we were going through an extremely rough first year of marriage. I trusted his family to help but it has led them to competely cut us off and disown us. It was a big no-no to tell them anything negative that their son and brother had done. I had good intentions but they do not see it that way. My husband is angry and feels I shamed him. He regularly threatens to leave me. He withholds affection, conversation, and love and he curses me and ignores me when I try to talk to him. If I try to initiate something fun for us to do he rejects me. I feel so alone. I’ve begged for forgiveness and have stopped going to others for marital help. He still refuses to forgive me. He is not the same man that I married. I feel so very lonely and I am tired. Everyday I am reminded of my mistakes by the way he neglects me and treats me. After months of trying to do good for him and I break down and cry he just screams at me and tells me that I should not be surprised that our marriage is this way and he reminds me yet again why he doesnt like me. I am desperate for forgiveness and if he will not I would rather him just leave me. It is killing me on the inside. I feel like God had forsaken me. I cry out to him and beg God to forgive me and heal my marriage but every day I am reminded of how much the man I love despises and hates me. Please give me some advice and please don’t say counseling. Someone who hates me this much will not go to counseling with me. He sees it adoesn’t a waste of time. Perhaps me being kind is actually pushing him away??? I don’t know anymore

    • Dear Ali
      I am going through even worse but please do not give up on your kind and honest actions.My husband always honored other women,not me.He was unfaithful to me several times but I wanted to forgive. But at the same time I wanted him to suffer because he did not show any signs of repentence,he was not even sorry,opposite:he was proud.Because I didn’t really forgive and kept judging him+he did not treat me nicely,he lost his job and I had to go to another country to earn money because I could speak English=Vulnerable I ended up having an affair with an indian man.Stupid me!!It lasted 4-5 months but always made me feel dirty,dishonest,bitch,but I was not able to end it radically without help.When my husband joined me he was angry,begged me to stop,humiliated me,prayed for me,fought with me,spied on me,etc.When I wanted to rebuild our relationship,repented,begged him for forgivness wwilling to wait,showing him everyday how much I was sorry,giving him access to my mobile,email,account,everything.But my husband wanted to punish meStraight away he started to look for another women telling me that any woman would be better than me.He kept and keeps telling me that he does not want to live with me but does not really leave.he keeps reminding me of my infidelity.He has had many affairs since,some only on social networks, some in real.He slept with 4-5 women telling to all of them that he loved them.He is still in relationship with one of them and only distance keeps them apart.Everytime he came back although I begged him to leave for good because I could not live like that and children suffered a lot.It has been 4 years since I did it.We had 3 children and I gave birth to another 3 since (my husbands’), we lost one of them when she was 4 weeks old.My husband blames me for her loss telling me that she died because she hadvto take all the dirt from me when she was born.I also blame myself because I focused on saving my marriage more than on my pregnancy. I asked my husband for forgivness many times and begged him to reconsider the reconciliation of our relationship and marriage but he said he can’t.I pray everyday, At least he stopped torturing me emotionalky everyday.But he refuses to rebuild our marriage. He wanted to divorce me but something stopped him.I believe it was God.But he also thing he has right to find other wimen and have relationship with them.It hurts me and I don’t want him to lead sinful life,It would be better if he divorced me if he doesn’t wantvto live with me anymore. I know I hurt him a lot,bezrayed him,he does not have confidence in me,but I don’t agree with emotional manipulation.I love my husband and will always pray for him but sometimes I wish he would leave if he can’t live with me.Children can see and are worried but we try to be nice to each other so they don’t have to worry.But they suffered already a lot and are not stupid.I have no right to be jelous but I truly love my husband and therefore I am jelous but try to be quite.So,Ali,never give up.But if he mistreats you and emotionally abuses you,ask him nicely if he could consider to move out.You will see that suddenly he will be afraid to lose you.Make sure you tell him and show him that you will be waiting for and he can come back anytime but it makes him feel bad to try to mistreat you,emotionaly ruining you.Although you feel guilty,as a human being,he has no right to do it to anybody.He is calling big suffering upon himself for doing it.It is important to challenge him with humility and meakness to stop doing it or to leave the house.If you don’t want to end up at psychiatric clinic.You can show him that you live him from distance and God will do His part.But God doesn’t want to see neither of you two broken.He wants you both to be healthy pfysically and emotionally and spiritually.Do not stop praying for God’s will to happen.I pray with you.Maria

      • Crystal says:

        You poor woman. You were unfaithful but your husband was unfaithful first, and still continues. You are living in a cycle of abuse, and your children will always remember this when they grow up, and they may think this is how it’s suppose to be. I know you love your husband, but he is always with other women and shows you no affection so you went elsewhere for it. How can he love you uf he sleeps with multiple women. Yes you were unfaithful and it was wrong, but so was he. He is not right. He is not being a man. You love him but you should not be treated that way, and your children should not have to see mommy treated that way. I would give him an ultimatum give up all the women and treat you with respect. He cheated too! I’d get a divorce. I feel for you, I know your pain. I’m going through my own right now. You need to get out sweetie for you and your kids. It’s a cycle it won’t get better I promise you that. One day you will meet the right man for you that will treat you with love and respect. You need to be strong and take the first step.

  18. I cheated on my husband and he forgave me right away. I never experienced so much love and forgiveness. However it has been 4 months, and he still says he has so much hate and anger toward the man. We were talking, and I was getting frustrated he wasn’t over it yet. I know what I did was wrong, but I thought forgiveness was also about moving on. Reading people posting about it taking years to heal makes me sad, but also shows me it’s normal to grieve a long period.

    After two months, he said he couldn’t handle the pain and he thought divorce may be the best choice. A friend told me to fight for my marriage. Although I thought the man is the one to fight for his woman, in this situation I knew I needed to fight hard for him. I’m glad I did!

    He also said he things about the affair 3-5 times a day. That killed me! It hurts so bad to know the man I love so deeply I have hurt so bad. I see I need to pray daily for him and our marriage. Keep fighting!

    • Rachel, it sounds like you have a great husband! And yes, it does take a long time to truly heal and move on. That is normal, but I know it’s hard when you’re in limbo.

  19. Anonymous says:

    I cheated on my husband and wished I could have undone the damage I created. My husband meant the world to me I wish I prayed more over my marriage than turn to infidelity to fix a void in my relationship.It’s been hard and several months have past. I prayed like I never prayed before and my husband forgive me but still won’t forget. He truly loves me and is a wonderful man. Marriage is hard work but i pray someone doesn’t make the mistake i made. Love, fight, God, and prayer is the key to a successful relationship. I thank god everyday for giving me a second chance with my husband our relationship is better and stronger than before.

  20. Sheila, I could use some advice. Ive been married for 7 years. In the past I have had anger outbursts that left my wife and I both feeling horrible. These outbursts have caused her to build a wall around her heart. I have found out she has slept with someone she works with. She says she still talks to him but nothing inappropriate. She says she does not want to be married. I asked her for 3 months of working on ourselves. Not our marriage. Just ourselves. Hoping and praying she decides to try and reconcile. I love her. Even after the affair I would still lay my life on the line for that woman. I can forgive. But will never forget. I feel I was the cause of her infidelity. She was seeking the attention she was not getting at home. I am a stay at home dad. And she works 50 to 60 hours a week. Please help. Any advice would be amazing. Thanks

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      Derrick,

      Do not throw yourself under the bus so fast.

      You did not cause her to stray it was her choice.

      Why would you post the same if you became a cripple, or your employment was gone forever.

      Remember the vows “for better or for worse in richer or poorer”.

      Too many betrayed blame themselves, and the decision to stray is already closing of the heart.

      However now you got to get stronger just in case she decides “its over permenantly”.

      Best of support your way.

  21. I personally have not had an affair but I emotionally hurt my boyfriend a lot and degraded him as a man. He now has backed up to the point of not talking much and the I love you’s have stopped. He has stopped all physical touch. He ignores my texts 99 percent of the time. I love him dearly and he is still here so I know he still loves me and must want it to work out. Reading these posts I now realize I must just show niceNess and try my hardest to not hound him or try to make it turn around faster then he can go. I know in time I will regain his love again patience God and time is what I must remember.

    • Stay strong and make it your number one priority to be respectful, caring, and the person he wants to be with. I have been praying daily, just being nice and always thinking about my demeanor towards him. I emotionally wrecked mine but for 10 months now I just focus on the positive, shake the frivolous, and communicate in a positive constructive way- we now laugh together frequently, dont nag and complainabout ssmall issues- there is so muchcto be thankful for with him. Think of three positive traits you love about him everyday, be nice to each other and happy you are together. It won’t happen overnight,be patient It took a lo time to get to this poit, it will take time to heal but you will feel better too for being better. God bless and good luck

  22. My wife had an affair over a month and a half period during the summer. Like most betrayed spouses it took me by complete surprise. We told each other and everyone we knew that we were best friends and love to hang out with each other we were very proud of that. I understand my role that cultivated be environment but by no means do I take responsibility for the actions she chose. What this does to a man and his confidence is unthinkable. It’s been 5 1/2 months since I learned of about the affair and still I cry on a daily basis. What are the most sad aspects of the situation is seeing my kids look at me after I just cried and say “dad you said you’d never cry” it just breaks my heart. The man that I am now is truly sad…I feel horrible for my kids to see someone often upset sad depressed staring off into space it makes me so mad at my spouse…my wife tells me that she was a different person she was lost, she was drinking a lot, eat..and I believe her because we never really had God our life until now. My wife has done a lot in that aspect…we’ve change churches, got re-baptized, recommit ourselves a reading new Balis at our house with the pastor and church members and our family we say prayer every night before dinner and try to follow God more closely on a daily basis. If it wasn’t for this we wouldn’t be this close to God and we probably would’ve been divorced…but the daily struggles I go through make it so hard to see the goodness that is in our future. She said to me the other day “I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do that where you will look at me lovingly again’.” I believe I will but I believe it’s going to take a lot more time than she realizes because a decision she’s made changed everything…The intimacy part is the most difficult part for me and what I’ve read many men because it’s our job to take care of and defend our wife and when another man has coveted your wife and hurts more than I can ever explain. I never used to cry ever but now the tears flow much too freely. And I read an interesting quote online that said, “tears are words too painful for a broken heart to speak.” That is how I feel every time I cry and I pray to God every day that the pain will go away.

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      Andy,

      You too soon to forget or forgive, Its only been 3.5 months it usually takes 2 yrs for the finality of it all.

      Yes, god is great but same time you must find you.

      Do not over it over with belief system let the feeling flow freely until you are in a comfortable place “take note you” not her.

      Respond for word, brotha went thru it.

  23. I recently found out that my wife of 20 years had a affair with a married man she met while going to poetry shows with my daughter. They became facebook friends and one thing led to another and she went to meet him at a hotel. His wife found the Facebook messages and sent them to me. That was the worst day of my life. The woman I had just recently took to Jamaica on our anniversary had sex with another man. She swears it happened once and it was about 6 months ago but the damage is done. We have 2 adult daughters and a 15 year old son who all live at home. They know something is wrong because of the constant arguments. My wife claims she is sorry and is trying to go to therapy and wants me to forgive her. I just don’t know if I can. The thoughts are with me all the time. If I felt that somehow I was to blame it might be easier to forgive but I honestly don’t think it was me. I’m a family man in every sense of the word. I always tell her I love her, how sexy I think she is. We go on dates regularly, take trips, go for walks together. I just don’t understand. What could make a woman who literally has it made throw it all away on a married guy and a one night stand?

  24. Eric sorry to hear that…I know your pain…it really hurts bad. It’s been almost 6 months since I found out and it still is so difficult to swallow. The pain has lessened a bit but I’m still distraught. Ill pray for you and your family.

  25. Ladies I really need your help…how did you help your man “get over” the fact that another man coveted my wife? I love my wife so much but It just hurts me so much that I can no longer say that I am yours and you are mine…please help me as this physical aspect is just so hard to get over…the thought that my wife’s body was shared with another man just tears me apart! Any adivise would help. Thank you!

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      I feel for you in your painful time.\

      These called images, have you done counseling. If not are you open to try.

      Only time reduces images, and there are us men that never get over it and live with it as part of reconciliation.

      In my case could not get over the movie in my head playing over and over again,

      BTW, how long has your journey been Andy.

  26. We were a month away from our 15 year anniversary when I cheated on my husband in 2013. Id lost my dad 2 years prior and had suffered a humiliating blow at work – a promotion that I was certain I was going to get was yanked from underneath me. As another poster said above, I wish I’d prayed over and focused on my marriage rather than settle for someone else’s attention. I ripped him apart and devastated him and our children. To get vindication he slept with a neighbor’s sister who is a hooker, in our bed, while our daughter was home sleeping. Its been 2 years since my affair and a year since his. We too were the young beautiful couple that you either rooted for or hated from jealously. My incredibly selfish acts have inflicted pain and scars not only on us but our parents, friends, and families, even close co-workers. Its a very rocky steep road to climb. I’ve been transparent and have cooperated fully with his wishes. I want to restore him so badly but he will let me get only so close to him. My self esteem has plummeted and I often think I’d be better off dead. I had it all and screwed it up. I so badly miss his beautiful ear to ear smile when he’d see me and that gleam in his eyes for me. He was so proud of me but I didn’t see it because I was too busy with work. I used to feel so good during lovemaking with him because I was pure – we’d been together since i was 18. Now I feel like I’m no different to him than any one else. I tarnished myself. There’s no one to blame but me and it makes me cry everyday. And yes I’m in therapy and medicated. I wish you all the best of luck. It sounds like some of you have made good progress. I hope we can get there also.

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      Brandy,

      You cheated, then he cheated.

      The ground now is equal, he has no leg to be in his mindset now. While I do not favor revenge affair it levels the emotional field for both partners. Heck I wonder would mine had survived if I had a fling.

      He also is tarnished, what do to wipe off the tarnish and build anew. Tell him I did it you did it. We now equal where do we go from here,

      So start rebuilding that dream marriage again maybe counseling which in your case may indeed be benefenial as there is 2 hurting spouses versus the cheater and cheated on.

  27. Miguel – it’s been 6.5 m since discovery.

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      Andy,

      Try counseling, try erotic over the edge date/sex night. Why have her do what she would not normally do. The idea is to replace/dull the images. The time for sensitivity posted on many site can be 2 yrs post discovery.

  28. Just found out my wife of 5 years had been unfaithful physically and emotionally with a younger ex co worker of hers for the past 6 months. I suffer from PTSD from Iraq tour in 05′ so I understand I’ve been very cold and unappreciative of my wife’s efforts. I understand the reason she cheated is because she seeked affection somewhere else instead of attempting to talk to me before hand. We had been having a cold relationship for the past 3 years, and I’ll admit I felt alone and cold also because of her nursing school. It took a lot of effort and time. I feel betrayed because I provided her with a home and paid for her school and also because we are married through the catholic church. I stop and think, why I should accept her back because I am only 32, we have no kids, i have a good career as a firer fighter, and am not a bad looking guy, so I know I can find another woman very easily. But I must admit I still love her but the same way I fell in love, the pain this has caused can make me fall out of love… Why should I stay?

  29. P, take it from me you shouldn’t stay. I know that’s easier said than done because I’m living through it now. My wife cheated on me after 20 years of marriage. I wanted to be done with her but the pain it would cause our three kids and this family is to great. But I am reminded everyday of what she done and it’s killing me. So if I didn’t have kids I think I’d just leave. But I know it’s hard either way. Good luck my friend.

    • You’re absolutely right its easier said than done… But the only thing that keeps me wanting to give her a chance is the promise I made to god. Im a firm believer of 2nd chances but this mistake is so big I don’t know if I can? If we get back together one thing is for sure… I won’t be having any kids with her any time soon

  30. My husband has decided to physically check out of our marriage and leave after 10 years. We both negelcted each other but for some reason he can only see how he has been unhappy and he wants out. (We have three kids one being a new baby) He says he is not having an affair and I believe him but how do I show him I love him and be nice if he is out the house? I am scared that if he takes too long I will begin to resent him for leaving me and the kids. Especially because we are both at fault.

    • Miquel Rogers says:

      G,

      Sorry for your pain.

      Sounds like he has already checked out of the relationship. A person cannot be made to love, it must be freely given to each other. To program yourself to love him will not work and would be only a temporary measure.

      Try to convince him to do marriage counseling.

  31. G… I think he might just need time to clear his thoughts… Best advice I can give is… If you love something let it go, if within time it comes back then it was ment to be… Its easier said than done I know trust me I’m speaking from experience. If you’re religious look for answers within god and the church, that’s what I’ve been doing

  32. Theresa says:

    on April 18 my husband of 4 1/2 yrs told me he wants a divorce due to he can not take being talked down to and talked to like garbage anymore. It has been a lot of fighting the past 2 yrs. but great times in there too. We have 2 teen boys who are more then aware of the fighting. He told me this while out of town. He gets home May 6. He has cut off all niceness from me. Unless it has to do with kids or house he doesn’t speak to me. I now am aware that I have become the bully in our marriage when I was seeing that he was….The thing I was most afraid of is what I did to him. I hurt him, he said he is broken. He said he doesn’t know if he still loves me. I start counseling May 5.

    • Sheila says:

      I’m so sorry, Theresa. It’s wonderful that you’re going to counseling and can maybe get to the root of why you do talk like this. Many relationships do reconcile when a person is truly repentant and does change–but whether or not your husband will reconcile, at least you will become a more whole person, and that’s important, too.

  33. Still hoping some of the ladies out there could share some advise…

    Ladies I really need your help…how did you help your man “get over” the fact that another man coveted my wife? I love my wife so much but It just hurts me so much that I can no longer say that I am yours and you are mine…please help me as this physical aspect is just so hard to get over…the thought that my wife’s body was shared with another man just tears me apart! Any advise would help. Thank you!

  34. I am basically in the opposite situation here. I found out a month ago that my husband had an affair with a coworker. We have been married since August 2013 and the affair started one month after our 1 year anniversary. It ended in April when I caught them. I was pregnant with our daughter when it started. My husband blames me and says that I wasn’t there for him during my pregnancy. I was incredibly sick the entire 9 months, so I stopped cooking and only cleaned when I had to and I stopped doing the little things that I used to do for him, so he felt neglected. In January, while I was in labor, he was texting this girl the whole time. He keeps telling me “it was just emotional” and can’t see how, for me, that is just as bad, if not worse than a physical affair….the things that should be saved for his wife were shared with another woman. He continues to lie and evade the truth and turn it around to blame me when I ask questions. I found love notes from her in his work bag saying things like, “I love you” “I can’t wait to show the world you’re mine” “will you marry me?” Etc. He claims it ended months ago, before our daughter was born, but phone records show otherwise. He also says they were just friends and he doesn’t know why she fell for him and thinks they will be together, but that he never told her he loved her or gave her that idea. I asked him, if that were the case, why he didn’t stop it when she started all of that. He just shrugged. I’m not naive or stupid, so no, I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I moved out and in with my parents.

    I want to make my marriage work, because I made a vow in the Catholic church and because for some crazy reason, I still love him, but my husband is very immature (but he’s 29) and needs to grow up and take responsibility for what he’s done. He says he’s sorry but he doesn’t know what else to do to show me he’s ended it with her (they still work together so I know they still talk at work) and wants to make our marriage work. I have sent him articles and things kn marriage and hlw to rwbuild what has been bromen, but he jates reading so he doesn’t want to read them. I am trying to get him another job (he’s a police officer) to get him away from her, but right now is a waiting game. He works nights, so he is NEVER home. On his off days, he leaves for hours at a time to go to “Walmart” leaving me with our baby. He did this after she was born also… I had to have 2 surgeries since I had her in January and he left then also, leaving me to take care of her while healing from major surgery, which was incredibly difficult. I am talking to a priest and have my first meeting with a counselor tomorrow. The only way this will work is if he has a complete conversion and grows up and takes responsibility for his actions and truly changes the way he thinks towards our marriage. I know he can’t because this is not the man I married…he was a wonderful man until he became a cop in January 2014…that’s when he really changed. changed…yet he doesn’t think he’s changed at all…he thinks I changed after we got married.
    He will not take “orders” from anyone, so me suggesting he see anyone is pointless. He said he would go talk to our priest, but has yet to even make an appointment. I told him I’m seeing a counselor tomorrow and he is welcome to join me if he wants. I guess we’ll see if he shows up. I could use some heavy prayers and also any advice on how I can begin to forgive him and how to help him with this realization he needs to have. (Sorry if this jumps all over the place, but I am still pretty emotional about it so it’s hard to get it all out and not sound like a crazy person lol) Thank you!

    • Oh, BC, I’m so sorry you’re walking through this, especially with a new baby! I can only imagine how alone you must feel.

      I will say this: forgiveness and reconciliation should not be given too early. If he has still been lying; still been seeing her; still refusing to end it entirely and still shifting the blame on you, then forgiveness is not your problem right now. It’s getting your marriage back on the right footing.

      I will definitely say a prayer for you, but I’d also really recommend the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, about what to do when your spouse is having an affair, and how to help them feel the consequences of their actions.

      Again, I’m so sorry. I hope your counselor is really helpful, too.

      • Sheila thank you! I will take all of the prayers I can ge. Do you have any advice on things I can do to help “encourage” him to show me he loves me? He tells me he wants to work this out, but he still refuses to give me access to his phone and just doesn’t show me that he loves me. He tries to be nice, but it’s usually short lived. The minute I say something he doesn’t like (not even about the affair) he goes off and is so incredibly mean to me. I want this to work, but he has to change. He refuses to see anyone until I learn to trust him again. I explain that will take time, but that I’m reading a book to try to help me, but somehow he thinks I should just be able to trust him already. I’m beginning to feel lost in my marriage. Any advice? Thanks!

  35. So after 18 years I struggle to come to terms. In July I found my husband talking with coworker. He claimed we are just friends. I said I am worried about the emotional affair for which he said no cone to find out 10 months later yep an affair. She told me she uses him to get His job. He’s 54 she’s 28 two children and we have two teenagers. He blames me. Said I neglected him when I went back to school and got a job. I did because we were struggling. He lost a great job and took a job I begged him not to because it was never going to make him happy. I wanted to help him so he could find the job he dreams. Instead I hurt him. We are both to blame for financial past we were living in our means but not putting away so when he lost a job and took a job making 60% less. Oh the bills came and fast and the foreclosure too. He stated I ruined his life and the children and I don’t appreciate his hard work. On contrary he works too much for little return and chooses work over family. We miss him horribly and now he still denies affair, still says I created bad, doesn’t come home til 2 am if at all. Our girls are looking for love from any male that shows them attention that daddy doesnt. I am fighting to keep it together. I am fighting for my marriage. I am seeing a counselor 3rd visit come Monday. I wish to keep my marriage I love him but he won’t even tell me he loves me. What do I do? I feel I am fighting alone. I am standing for our marriage our family and he is standing for him. I feel he is gone and I am broken. How can someone you love tear at your very soul? By the way November had to have surgery for ovarian cancer. He didn’t take care of me. My girls did. Sad part they 18 and 15 knew for sure of affair before me. They have wanted me to leave but my God how do I give up on him? I don’t want too. Praying and trying to show respect but so hard when no respect or love is returned.

    • Crystal says:

      Your husband was wrong first of all he had the affair. If he won’t tell you he loves you or even take care if you after surgery. That isn’t a husband at all. You need to be strong pray, eat, sleep and take care of yourself first. You need to move on. There’s is someone out there for you. Someone who will respect you love you and give you the affection you need. You need to be strong. If you stay you may be missing out on an opportunity to meet the right one. I know your scared. I am thinking of leaving my husband he is very abusive and cold since my affair. I was in the wrong. I love him so much and I’m scared too. But you may be fighting in vain.be strong sweetie it’s not your fault, and you still have your girls.

  36. My husband just found out about my transgression on Friday with another man and I have been texting and talking to ex-boyfriends also. Though nothing sexually has happened with my exes the contact was inappropriate. I have hurt my husband to the core. It kills me to see how bad I have hurt him. My ex husband was a sex addict. I found out that he had an affair with multiple women (over 50). When I met my current husband I was going through a healing phase. He was my peace. He showed me love and concern. I however had residual trust issues from my last marriage and have brought those into this marriage. I have gone through his phone and email on a consistent basis and before we were married, discovered a lie he told me regarding his ex wife and money. Finances are tight because of his child support obligation which is a SIGNIFICANT amount of money for two kids and we have shared custody. I have been working overtime just to provide extra money to have a decent lifestyle. I don’t have any children of my own so I’ve been thrown into an instant mom situation and it has been daunting. He is currently waiting on the modification hearing because it was set so high. The ex wife is vindictive and angry and just causes drama and stress often. Anyhow I’m not using any of that stuff as an excuse for my actions. My actions were inexcusable period. I have admitted to everything and am accepting responsibility and accountability. He has told me our marriage would never be the same but he doesn’t want to leave because he doesn’t want to expose the kids to another divorce. The first one devastated them. I also know that he loves me. However I don’t want him to stay with me just because of the kids. I just stumbled on this site and I have been doing everything that the previous commenters have said. Showing and telling him I love him but more action than words. I told him I will allow him time to grieve however after tonight the name calling and verbal degrading will have to stop! I understand anger but there’s only so much name calling I will take (he has never disrespected me in that manner so I know it’s the hurt talking). I am going to schedule a counseling session next week for me to work on myself and some couples therapy for the both of us. Is this week too soon to schedule a session? Do I need to allow him more time to get over the anger? I know what he is filling because I’ve been through it so I am trying to just be loving and give him the space that he needs. I have offered many things to help start the process of rebuilding trust. Is there anything else that I can do?

    • Crystal says:

      They say time heals. Show him lots of love and that your remorseful. If the name calling and degrating doesn’t stop you need to leave. I’ve been going through it for 9 months and I am getting depressed. Physical mental and emotional abuse is at an all time high, and it not fair to any one.

      • Thank you Crystal! I have been following your advice and things are better. The name calling did stop and I was adamant about how long I wiuld take it. We have our first counseling session today.

  37. Scared Sick says:

    I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND. I’M SORRY AND DON’T WANT TO GET A DIVORCE. HE IS STILL WORKING THROUGH HIS FEELINGS. BUT I’M SO CONFUSED CAUSE HE HAS GONE BACK TO REGULAR LIFE. HE STILL WANTS TO HAVE SEX AND TALK AS THOUGH NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. But then out of the blue he will ask me do I think we will make it. He wants to go to counseling and I agreed to go. I’m just worried he won’t get the answers he wants or needs. After reading some of the other posts it worries me that we will stay in this uncomfortable state for a long time. It’s all my fault I should have never been so careless with my relationship I was just so lonely and the attention made me feel special, it made me feel like a teenager again.

    • Scared sick, I can tell you one thing I want from my wife is a for her to do is to keep showing me love. I’ve told her I want her to make me feel that I’m her everything. If she is able to show me she is willing to go out her way to make me happy and trust her again I feel I can love her like I did at one point once again. The way I see it is, if you really want something to happen then do it, don’t be scared and show your husband affection.

  38. Its been 2 months since I found out about my wife’s affair, and we have been living separately for that time. We’ve seen each other and have even been intimate once again. But I still cannot completely trust her. She bacame very distant after I found out and we would go weeks without talking, she said she needed time and wouldn’t give me the attention I need. I started to notice other women but never did anything with anyone, she has now been calling me more often but we haven’t seen each other in a month already, and we are suppose to go on a small trip this weekend but we both agree that it’ll be awkward. All that I hope is that she shows me she regrets her mistake and treats me with a tremendous amount of love. I know I can treat her with the same amount of love but I want her to show me first that she really wants to make things work first.

  39. Hi,

    I’ve been married for almost 13 years and we have 2 small children. I had an affair and it lasted for a year and when that was over I was still unhappy and went searching for more attention. It’s been 2 years and 2 months since my husband found out. We haven’t been to counselling together but I saw a counsellor for 5 months and did CBT therapy for 4 months. I felt that I had to work on myself, if you can’t love yourself how can you show love to someone else. I love my husband very much and it breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. That pain is caused by me. He decided to stay and see if it would work out, and I’m thankful everyday for a second chance. I haven’t felt loved until now. I’ve learned through therapy that we had normal marital issues but it was mainly how I felt inside about myself that got me in trouble. My husbands job at times can be demanding, and with small children I felt so alone. At times I felt neglected and unloved. He was never mean to me but he was just so focused on what he was doing that he didn’t notice that I was falling apart. To be fair I didn’t communicate this to him very well either. I just expected him to notice how alone and depressed I felt. I also realised that perhaps I needed a lot of attention and affection…perhaps I was too needy. I needed a lot of affection to feel validated. Perhaps it was my past, feeling neglected as a child that has created these insecurities. This is the reason I went to counselling, to work on myself and to hope that I would be stronger to fix the damage I created. I also went because I felt that I was a terrible person and needed to be punished and that one day I would be….but therapy helped me realise that I’m not a bad person but just made a bad choice and that I could work towards being a better person.

    It has not been an easy journey for either one of us and I’m sure his pain is a lot worse than mine. At the beginning we talked about the affair, he asked questions, wanted to know every detail. A lot of it he was able to read from my phone, email and social media accounts. I am completely devastated…I don’t want to lose my husband. I love him so much and I wish I had realised that before. We go through ups and downs. Some days he looks happy and wants to be with me physically and other days he goes quiet and doesn’t want to talk. He has started reading through all my old stuff again. All the messages I had received or sent to the other guy. I’m not sure how healthy that is.

    I’m writing this today because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. I’m fighting for this marriage, I don’t want to give up but how do I carry on when at times I don’t feel so strong. Sometimes I feel we take one step forward and two steps back. I really want this to work because he is the love of my life and I don’t want to be with anyone else. Please help.

    • Hi Ant,
      You have been going through this longer to me so I don’t know how much help I will be but the first thing that you HAVE to do is get rid of all of the old messages. Delete and permanently delete emails, text messages, pictures and messages on social media. Deactivate social media for a while if you have to. It’s not healthy for either of you to continue to drudge that old stuff up. Also have one LAST Q&A session and then do not entertain any further questions as that’s also hindering you both from moving forward. As the betrayal spouses we have to just allow our husbands times to heal but they can not do that effectively reliving the past. I immediately gave my husband all access to my phone, email accounts and even allowed him to put a GPS on my phone as I have nothing to hide. I too feel horrible for causing him this much and like you will start counseling for myself next week to get to the bottom of my issues. We have our first counseling session today together and we are both anxious about it. Try to get him to agree to go to at least one session, I don’t know that my husband and I would be able to do this without help! Best of luck and many prayers to you :-)

      • Thanks Nik for your reply and support. I don’t think deleting old messages is a good idea without speaking to my husband first. I think we would have to do it together as I don’t want him to think I’m hiding something. But anyway, it’s no use as he has everything saved on his computer in all sorts of technical formats so not so easy to erase. But as I said I don’t want to do that, unless he agrees. Thank you for your advice regarding couples therapy, I think that might be a good idea. I hope your session goes well today. Best of luck to you and your family.

    • I just want to add that I’m not blaming my husband for what happened – I take full responsibility.

      • Miquel Rogers says:

        Ant,

        No doubt your counseling has informed you the marriage will never be the same. What is your picture of the relationship post D day.

        Its been 2 yrs past the time of decision making on your hubby part.

        • Yes, I understand the marriage will never be the same and that makes me so sad. I know it will take a long time but I hope that we can build a stronger, closer bond than we had before. My husband is still trying to work through his feelings and he definitely hasn’t forgiven me. I don’t blame him and I don’t want to rush him. Honestly some days it’s really hard dealing with the rollercoaster ride of emotions but I know that I have to be strong for him. He has given me a second chance and that makes me feel so loved and grateful. It hurts to seem him in pain – I wish I could just take it away…but I know I can’t. I caused this so I have to deal with the aftermath of my mistakes. Counselling forced me to confront my messed up self. Coming to terms with the mistakes I made and why I made them. Now I’m working towards moving forward with my life and hoping to become a better person. I love my husband and kids so much and I want to concentrate on making them happy and making them feel loved. I do feel so sad that I know now that he’s the one I want to share the rest of my life with and I’ve messed things up. I hope that we can get through this and stay together. I need to be positive and hopeful.

    • hopeful says:

      My situation is the exact same. He hasn’t slept next to me or has even kissed me over a year and don’t know what to think. He still stays in same house.

      • Miquel Rogers says:

        Hopeful,

        Have you asked him his decision or freed (via talking) him from the relationship.

        Some people having decided to end the relationship require a nudge to be free.

        • hopeful says:

          That is the best thing to do, just ask him but I am so afraid of his answer. I love him and want him to be happy. I know its all my fault but living like this is very depressing.

          • I understand how you feel – it sometimes feels like someone died. It can feel very depressing and draining at times. But don’t get discouraged and don’t give up. You have to be strong and just give him time to heal and process things. Continue to be kind to him and offer affection even if you don’t receive any in return…don’t get discouraged if you get rejected. If he hasn’t left it’s probably because he still loves you but he’s just trying to work through his feelings. We’ve made a huge mistake and now we have to deal with the consequences. Best of luck to you.

  40. Patricia says:

    Hello.In our early marriage I stupidly cheated on my husband. We were separated for 8 month after marriage and 1 months prior our reunion I had an affair which I continued to see twice after my husband came back.this is over 4 years ago but I told him almost 2 years ago.the worst thing is that our first child was conceived during that period and I was afraid it could be the other man.since then of course we have a rough life.but my husband has at least 5 other occasions where he strongly believes I have cheated with other men and now he brings up even more absolute absurd insults and will not stop.if I try to talk he will tell me to shut up.I have like no right at all.he has full access to my phone and email accounts. I am even scared to stay five minutes longer to pick the kids from school. I am always at home, try to be patient and not to disturb him. Sometimes he bis very sweet with me and wants to be close and spend all the time with me.the next minute he will call me prostitute and says he was never happy with me.I never lived him.but the truth is since then I hope and work on myself and our marriage.I love him dearly and I wish so much he could forgive and forget.I don’t expect wonders but the name calling has to stop.it should have by now.I feel so low, other women are the good wifes and pretty ones, I am the lier and whore. I need forgiveness, I will be the best wife and I would never hurt him again. Since that time nobody even looked at me I am not interested in other men. But he doesn’t believe me.we have 4 children, two together and two from my previous relationship.he bus the best daddy in the world tans so caring but to me…He must really hates me.he said I should let him go.and I don’t know what else to do.

    • How long has this been going on? I decided to wait the recommended time frame of two years and after 15 months and lots of work on my end he is being my friend and now will sleep next to me. It is a tragedy but honestly, how can any human keep on enduring constant back forth on being forgiven without ever knowing if this is going to work out and be better or just save years of tears, heartache and unhappiness and confirm separation?
      We messed up huge and now have to repent, grieve and try to reconcile but ask if there is anything that can be done to heal better and go from there. It can’t always be all one person working towards reconciliation.

      • Patricia says:

        Well…For almost 2 yrs he knows it from me but kind of knew it before anyway, I only confirmed it.I think he has a trauma and if he comes closer his mind tells him to withdraw or he will get hurt again. But if he only knew how happy I am when he is happy and we get on.to the contrary he believes i want his bad and I am wicked. We could be so happy now that I have learnt and I regret so much what I have done.

  41. This post seems to be a bit old, but I want to write my story here…
    I’ve been married a bit short of two years… Our marriage has been extremely rocky all this time. My husband has been violent and verbally abusive whenever we would have a fight. I also did many mistakes by reacting very aggressively and our marriage has been on the edge of a breakdown all this time..
    My husband told me that if i don’t give him children within five years, he would leave me. He would tell me when he’s angry, that I was disgusting and no man would want me.
    He would withhold sex, because I wasn’t ready to go try for children yet…
    He would keep in touch with women online telling me that he had right to do that since they were just friends, and I found out at some point that he had actually invited one woman to visit him and agreed to pay her ticket back..
    I asked him to stop contact with that woman and eventually he did that because I told him that if he does, we can start to try to have a child then. But he would never admit to me, that what his contact with that woman was wrong.

    I tried to forgive and forget all this, but Ive always felt that he has broken my trust for him and frankly I didn’t believe he loves me the way a husband is supposed to love his wife..

    Then, ever since I started to try for a child with him, things changed. He started to try for our marriage and things slowly started to become a bit better.
    Then I did something bad. I kissed another man. I couldn’t even understand myself why I’ve done that. Why, when things started to go so well?
    I called my husband the next day and confessed and asked forgiveness. He told several people what I had done. I felt really bad that I had hurt him so much…
    When I thought about why I did what I did, I realised that maybe part of me wanted out of my marriage.I loved him alot, but he had hurt me very deeply… And in my hurt, I made a bad choice, I made a mistake.
    My husband surely is not innocent, but I know it does not justify my action.

    My husband has told me that he will forgive me but can’t continue with me. He seems to be very calm about this and I don’t really see his anger… I told him everything and told him taht i wish we could still continue and I told him I understand he needs time to heal, but he said he wishes to separate.

    I know it’s my fault, but I can’t help but feel also a bit bitter. I stayed when he didn’t even admit he had done something wrong, now when I made a mistake, he doesn’t want to even try…
    I feel I should maybe just accept that my marriage cannot survive and stop hoping for a reconciliation…

    • hopeful says:

      You have been hurt so much already and you obviously have a conscience. If it was meant to be he would not be acting the way he is. Life is too short to be guessing what he will want to do.

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