Three Keys to Building a Solid Marriage

Today’s guest author is Teri Lynne Underwood, and she is sharing about marriage from the vantage-point of a pastor’s wife.

So, Sheila and I go way back. I think it was about three years ago we connected which means in blogging years, which are similar to dog years in my mind, we’ve been friends for like 21 years. I love her willingness to tackle the hard topics and write the real stuff we women need to read.

A few weeks ago, Sheila asked me if I’d write a guest post for her and of course I said yes. She suggested I share about what I’ve seen and learned about marriage from my viewpoint as a pastor’s wife. Let me be really honest: I said, “Of course! No problem!” but I was thinking, “Oh my word! What if people from my church read this and think I’m talking about them! Or, even worse, about my own marriage!” Egads!!

Finally, I decided my life isn’t much different than anyone else’s life and my church probably isn’t much different than most other churches. And since I am pretty open in encouraging women about their role as a wife, I figured I probably wouldn’t be writing anything I haven’t said to someone at one of the churches we have served.

keys to a solid marriage

Today I like to share three keys to building a solid marriage based on verses from Proverbs.

Support your husband.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12

Does your husband know you are on his team? Are you actively encouraging him to be the man God created him to be? When God created Eve, he identified her as a helper for Adam. We need to be supportive of our husbands, helping them. My desire is have the epitaph of my role as a wife be that I brought Scott good, not harm, all the days of his life.

Speak graciously to your husband.

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 25:24

Far too often I hear women speak to and about their husbands as if he were one of their children. In no way does this honor him, our marriage, or the Lord. In fact, this can be one of the most damaging things we do to our testimony. Yes, there will be times when you disagree and even when he is wrong. But I’ve learned it never benefits my marriage to demean my husband, in conversations with him or with others. {For more on this idea, please read 10 Ways to Speak Well of Your Husband.}

Savor your marriage.

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Proverbs 5:18-19

Okay, you had to know it was coming! This is Sheila’s blog, after all: physical intimacy matters! These verses are written to men, but what if we applied them to our role as wives. I think they’d read a little like this:

You are a blessing to your husband, you, the wife of his youth. Let him delight in you, in your body. Let him enjoy you and be enamored with you and find you attractive.

I know, it’s not easy. We don’t feel attractive. But what if we determined to see ourselves through our husbands’ eyes … to accept the compliments … to be open to his touch and his desire? Go ahead, savor your marriage … in every way!

What key to a great marriage would you add?


db5709f4b3648525f38b30a3e236f8de Teri Lynne Underwood is a Word lover. Idea slinger. Encourager of rest, focus, and embracing life’s seasons. Priorities include good coffee, excellent books, and lingering conversations. Delights in offering women permission to live well.


image source

all Scripture quotes are from the English Standard Version {ESV}


  1. Beverly says:

    Pray – Pray for your husband. EVERYDAY. From the top of his head to the sole of his feet. Pray together. EVERYDAY. For your marriage, your work days, your testimony to those around you, your children, grandchildren, family. Pray for one another’s safety. Pray that God’s hedge around your marriage is strong and storm worthy. Pray that there not be any gaps in the hedge. Prayer is healing, prayer shows love and respect, prayer brings God into the room and into our hearts. Take prayer with you every moment of every day.

  2. I agree with everything above. I would add – find out his “love language” and love him that way. NOT only the way you naturally give love. I think this has been addressed extensively but since it goes against the grain for some of us, we forget. My husband has said that he feels loved when he sees me making sacrifices on his behalf such as, waking up with him and making his lunch or making sure his white t-shirts are washed –since I tend to wait for a whole load of whites, I forget I can do a smaller load and he can wear his shirts!!

    • I totally agree, Andrea! My husband and I have very different love languages and it took us a few years to really grasp how that affected our marriage. Sometimes it is really hard to make that effort to say “I love you” the way he hears it best … but I’ve learned, it is always worth it!
      Teri Lynne Underwood recently posted…Freedom’s RequirementMy Profile

  3. I think most husbands crave respect above all other things. I see that theme over and over again in struggling marriages, that in some major way, the wife is disrespecting her husband.

    This could be through a lack of sex, trying to control the marriage, putting him down in front of people, belittling him, tone of voice, attacking him/complaining when he comes home, so many ways.

    Unfortunately, we (men) have been trained in our society to keep quiet and not talk about our feelings, so most of us hide and slowly disengage from the marriage, because it’s less painful that way. We spend more and more time away from home (suddenly work gets too busy to come home for supper), or we find a new hobby (Yes, I do need to play basket ball 5 nights a week, YOU wanted me to get healthy, right?!), or we shift our schedule so we’re up hours before our wife and in bed earlier, or visa-versa, or whatever. We become work-centric instead of home-centric.

    Not saying it’s right, I’m saying it happens.
    Jay Dee – recently posted…What does household leadership mean for the husband?My Profile

    • Very good point! I’ve found that when I take the time every day to ask my husband how I can help him it opens up the door for him to share what’s really on his heart. Of course, there are a lot of days when he simply asks me to fix his favorite supper or pick up the dry cleaning! :)

      But, for me, learning to ask the question has been a key factor in recognizing my role as his helper.

  4. Accept your husband, don’t come at it as if it is your job to train him or change him because he isn’t good enough as he is now.
    LatterDay Marriage recently posted…Bedding downMy Profile

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