Reader Question of the Week: Sex is So BORING!

Reader Question of the Week
Every weekend I try to answer a Reader Question. Here’s a woman writing that her marriage is boring, sex is boring, and she wonders how to get the excitement back that her marriage is missing:

We have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old. We hardly ever have sex because I am normally not in the mood to do anything and I just think it will take too long so I don’t even worry about it. I am not very physical towards him and he tends to be a little too much towards me (kissing neck while I am cooking or grabbing a feel somewhere which doesn’t do anything for me but make me feel like a piece of meat). When our child goes down for bed at night, he goes to his man cave to watch tv and I go to the living room to watch tv until we go to bed late at night. We don’t watch the same shows so staying in the same room doesn’t seem to fit. I feel like we are not what a normal newlywed couple should be and feel like there has got to be more to this life and marriage then what we are doing right now. When we do end up having sex, it is the same thing over and over again so it doesn’t seem to be an exciting thing to do on a daily basis. Can you help me out?

If sex is boring in your marriage, here's how to make it sizzle instead!
I sure hope I can! That’s exactly what this blog is for. So if you think your marriage is boring, or sex is now boring, you’ve come to the right place. I’m going to answer this one in a series of links, because I’ve also already written a ton about this, so here goes:

1. Don’t Let Life Happen To You. Live It!

This may seem like it doesn’t have much to do with sex, but hear me out.

Too many people feel really passive when it comes to their lives. We’re busy. We don’t do things together. There’s no romance.

That may all be true.

But you see, those are all also choices that you have made. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but: If you want something in your marriage–excitement, a great relationship, that feeling of being utterly and completely in love–you have to make it happen.

Movies make it seem as if a great relationship is supposed to be effortless. It just HAPPENS. And so when it doesn’t happen for you, you think, what’s wrong with me?

But that’s not true. I think this graphic sums it up well:

A Good Marriage is Like Synchronized Swimming

A good marriage is like synchronized swimming–it looks easy, but you don’t see all the work beneath the surface.
(Click to Tweet this quote now!)

So if you want a good marriage, you have to work at it! If you don’t, of course marriage will be boring–and sex will be boring, too.

And so I’m going to say some harsh things. As a couple, you have decided to spend evenings apart. As a wife, you have decided not to prioritize sex. And as a couple, you have decided not to work on how to make sex better for you.

Now, in each of those cases you made what was the easier decision to make. It’s easier to just let life happen. But if you want a great marriage–and it sounds like you really do,  you’re just stuck–you need to go out there and MAKE it happen! So let’s look at just a few things.

2. Do Stuff Together

Seriously. Don’t spend your life in front of a screen.

I know you have a 2-year-old, so it’s harder. But here are some links that can help.

2 Player Games to Play as a Couple
Pick even just one night a week where you decide not to go on screens, but you decide to play together. Choose a game (and read the comments on that post; great suggestions there, too!). Seriously. Buy a game this weekend. And start playing!

Go for Walks Together
Toddlers are often easier to manage in a stroller. So make a point of going for a walk together after dinner every night. Even if it’s just for twenty minutes, and even if you scatter to different rooms to watch TV afterwards, at least you’ve taken some time to talk.

Just DO Something.
It’s so important! And work on your friendship, because the more you build your friendship, the easier everything else is.

3. Make Love Regularly

You BOTH need this. It isn’t just for him. You need it, too. You need to feel close to him. You need to feel like you have a partner in raising your child. You need to feel as if he won’t leave you and will always love you. Sex does all of that. Plus it helps you sleep better!

But that means that you need to prioritize it. Work throughout the day to get your head in the game. Flirt more!

I totally get you not liking it when he touches you sexually while you’re doing dishes or something. That’s not what you were thinking, and to many women it’s just plain annoying. But it would be less annoying if you were flirting with him at other times. And the reason he’s doing that is to get reassurance that you are interested in him, because it sounds like he’s really struggling.

31DaysCover 120It also sounds like what you really need to do is work through 31 Days to Great Sex! Honestly, I wrote it just for couples like you. In fact, many of the posts I’ve linked to are incorporated into the challenges. He sounds like he is slowly separating himself from you because he isn’t sure that you really want him anymore. And you are separating yourself from him because it all seems like too much of a chore.

You don’t want to live like that! You don’t want to settle for that. But it’s going to take talking about it, developing new habits, and prioritizing it. And here’s an easy way to work through that with your husband. It’s not like it’s 31 days of sex tricks; it’s helping you talk; tell him what you want; develop your friendship; work on feeling intimate; and have fun in bed. They’re all interconnected.

4. Make Sex Feel Wonderful

Finally, it sounds like one of the reasons you’re struggling is because sex just isn’t that exciting. 31 Days to Great Sex will definitely help you with that!

I want to help us not just make love, but also have tremendous fireworks at the same time. It’s going to be a ton of fun, and I’ll be telling you more about that series soon. So stick around, and subscribe to my marriage newsletter so you don’t miss it (just sign up on the sidebar on the right.)

If you want your marriage to be great, you need to work at it. If you want to create a certain life for yourself, you need to chase it down, not just wait for it to show up. And your marriage is worth chasing after! So get the 31 Days to Great Sex. Have fun together. Laugh together! And make sex great. Yes, it takes effort. Yes, you’re tired. Yes, he may not be too enthusiastic (he may, for instance, think that you’re criticizing him). But push through. If you want this, go out and get it. Jesus didn’t say, “sit back and let life happen”. He wanted to give us an ABUNDANT life. And that means seeking after God, and the things that we know that God wants us to have–in abundance.

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.


Comments

  1. ButterflyWings says:

    I don’t understand what the problem is with doing sex the same way? If something works, surely it makes sense to do it that way again? Hubby and I only do it a few certain ways and we both love it. We’ve tried experimenting but it’s not that exciting. Tried and true always works well

  2. Nancie Oberhaus says:

    Thank you for your advice to this young marriage. My husband and I are in the process of “31 Days to Great Sex”. The only difference is that we are in our 60s and have been married 35 years. We learned that old habits and old beliefs and old patterns of behavior can really sabotage efforts at a good marriage and good sex. If they take your advice now and just try,they will find as we did, delightful newness can really happen! Plus they won’t have to carry around the baggage that we did through our marriage till we took charge and our eyes were opened to more possibilities. We did not believe change was possible – but it is, believe me. There is hope! My advice to them, lighten up, just try it, and you’ll find yourselves treasured and cherished and having fun in a whole new way!

    • Thanks so much for that encouraging comment! I’m so glad you’re enjoying 31 Days to Great Sex, and you’re totally right–if couples get this right IN THE BEGINNING, life is so much easier! We didn’t get it right when we were first married, either. It took us almost a decade. But that’s why I’m passionate about helping younger couples, too!

  3. Great article. It sounds like this couple is on two different planets – Venus and Mars, anyone? It sounds like the husband is very much trying to flirt with his young bride (I think men see something they like – namely, their wive’s body – and they reach for it (literally!). It might not be something that wives like, but as far as guys go, it’s top-notch compliments).

    I completely agree with your advice (of course). When you talk about romance and how it doesn’t *just* happen, I wonder – is the wife reading romances or watching them on TV? I found that when I was reading a lot of them, or watching a lot of them on TV, I found myself becoming completely dissatisfied in my own marriage. “Why doesn’t my husband just sweep me off my feet like that or say those poetic lines?” It didn’t take very long before God convicted me. Those stories, while not inherently “bad”, were bad for me. I had to take them out of my life. When the Team Edward and Team Jacob craze hit the movie theaters, women (of all ages) were flocking to the movie theaters to get a glimpse at young actors bare-chested. I didn’t step foot inside that theater. Not because I was better than anyone else, but because that type of “eye candy” is just not good for my marriage.

    What I found, is that when I focused on *us*, I became much more content in my marriage. Much like, as a woman, you can’t compare yourself to other women, you can’t compare your marriage to romantic ideals derived from an author’s or a director’s mind.
    Iva @ This Side of Perfect recently posted…Lazy Days of SummerMy Profile

    • ButterflyWings says:

      I think we have to be careful of stereotypes. Some women DO like to be touched and DO like to touch their husbands. And some like my husband wouldn’t considering touching their wives and absolutely HATE being touched. If I kiss his neck or touch him while he’s doing something, he’ll pull away and glare at me at best, and lately he’s taken to snapping at me if I forget he hates it and touch or kiss him when he’s busy.

      I must admit I never understood the Twilight craze. Team Edward and Team Jacob? Why either? I find them to be both ugly looking and ugly characters (and Bella even worse!). I know many of my friends were swooning over Edward and Jacob and claiming the movies were so romantic, but I just found them anti-romantic, the characters being shallow and the exact opposite of genuine love.

      It’s not because I feel better than anyone else either… I just wouldn’t pay money to see such pathetic attempts at “romance”. While I’m not a Buffy fan either (for a whole bunch of other reasons), my thoughts are vampires are something you stake not date ;)

      But yeah…. I truly cannot understand why being touched makes a woman feel like a piece of meat. I would give anything for it.

      • You’re absolutely right, of course. I’m generalizing, and I shouldn’t. :)
        Iva @ This Side of Perfect recently posted…The Great American Summer #coppertonewatermomsMy Profile

        • ButterflyWings says:

          It’s hard at times, because I think so many women are raised to believe that men like physical touch and sex and when you marry a man who doesn’t, it’s really hard to find how to make him really happy.

          • Chantel says:

            @ButterflyWings

            I agree with you that all men or woman don’t like the same things. I have one concern in reading your post though – that your husband glares &/or snaps at you for showing physical affection. I realize it’s likely because he’s busy/in the middle of something, but that response does not sound healthy to me no matter what he’s doing (unless you’re in the middle of a fight). I would encourage you to address that with him. It sounds like it’s hurtful to you and that it is something you would enjoy giving and receiving. I am concerned you are pushing aside some hurt and that he may be hiding something or just not dealing with something he needs to (stress, hurt from his past, assuming something of you, etc). If that continues, you will likely resent him at some point – and that to me would be very sad for both of you. All the best to you both.

          • ButterflyWings says:

            Chantel it did hurt at first, but he does have aspergers and he doesn’t like anyone touching him for any reason. Because of it, he also doesn’t like being “surprised” either. If I get his attention first, he isn’t bothered by it. It’s just sometimes hard to get his attention when he’s absorbed in something and I often have to touch him to get his attention because he doesn’t hear me.

            I plan to bring it up with our counsellor this week but not sure how much difference it will make as most people with aspergers will never like being touched.

      • I think whats really going on (when hubby kisses neck while wife cooking, etc) is the wife is just complaining she is being touched at the wrong time and wishes he would do that instead when they climb into bed at night. At least thats what Ive felt when annoyed at the timing not the deed

  4. It strikes me that there is some issue of perspective here, especially as she considers his touching her. Yeah, it doesn’t seem normal to us women to just randomly kiss or touch, but for Hubbies, I think its much more. I have to remind myself that he wants to touch me because he loves me, thinks I’m hot, wants me to know that he is thinking of me and loving me in that moment. It helps to remember that for my Hubby, one major love language is physical touch for him. Its speaks volumes to him when I touch him (even just on the shoulder, or a head rub or a hug), but he has to remind himself what I’m trying to say when I am so caught up in cleaning up, getting dinner ready, and trying to make our home comfortable. We speak different languages when it comes to love, and we are still learning to speak the other’s language.
    Rachael recently posted…Hope in the GriefMy Profile

    • ButterflyWings says:

      I guess I get frustrated at times… it’s not a male vs female thing. Physical touch is a more common love language for men, but some men hate it and while less common for women, some women love it.

      I think a lot of troubles in marriages is because of assumptions about what the our spouses like/don’t like, and projecting what we like/don’t like onto our spouses. I have to constantly remind myself that my husband hates being touched, especially if he’s doing something (particularly playing on his computer – he gets super cross if I touch him in the middle of a game).

      So yeah, I think it’s important to remember our spouses think differently from us, but being male or female doesn’t necessarily determine what one likes and doesn’t like

      • I’m glad Rachel brought up love languages (and you expanded on the notion). I think – no, I *know* – that most of our difficulties in our relationships (with our spouses, friends, etc) is due to a breakdown of communication. If your husband’s love language is touch, and yours is service and both of you respond in the love language *you* like (we all do it), there is going to be dissention. A husband can spend all of his time touching his wife, because that’s what he wants, when all she wants is to have a little help around the house. Didn’t she just cook a fabulous meal for him, after all?

        Excellent points, ladies!
        Iva @ This Side of Perfect recently posted…The Great American Summer #coppertonewatermomsMy Profile

  5. A husband and wife that's been there says:

    Trying to be nice here….any man that’s gettng icy glares from kissing or touching you is not going to feel comfortable trying anything “new” in bed. If you aren’t comfortable with him even touching you how the heck is he going to get up the courage to “curl your toes”…..Not trying to be critical here but everything said here screams I don’t want you around me to a man…hence the man cave at night.

    If it didn’t start like this is time to get checked for post partum and even get your hormone levels checked…childbirth can wreak havoc for years on a woman’s body. But yes, it’s time to actively be chasing him because if the signals your sending him are close to the letter/question he’s in desperation mode. Also, make sure you are getting enough rest. Good luck and God bless.

  6. Since this hasn’t been mentioned – one thing I’ve been learning is that a man with a plan is actually pretty sexy. I’m guessing that as a mom (first one is on the way, so no boots on the ground experience here) this wife often finds herself making a whole lot of decisions and generally directing the show, and it’s probably easy to see her husband as interrupting her or messing up her plans. Heck, just as a wife I can get into that mode, and it’s pretty exhausting. It’s also not sexy :( So I’m wondering if maybe asking her husband for a little more leadership would help keep things rolling along. So maybe he plans a date night or tells her he’s bringing home take-out or takes charge or some aspect of their lives (budgeting, vacation planning, bath time, house projects, etc.) Basically he does something that tells her “I’m the man of the house, and I take care of my family.” Based on what I’ve been reading and my limited personal experience that’s pretty sexy.
    Natalie recently posted…And the diagnosis was….My Profile

  7. My Dad always taught me that things worth doing usually require a lot of hard work. Marriage is no exception. Sure, it’s easy to go your separate ways of an evening instead of working to find something you both enjoy doing, but wouldn’t your marriage relationship be so much more fulfilling if you exerted the effort? I think a couple’s sex life can be an indicator of how other areas of the relationship are faring, and when there is no desire for sex it usually points to a deeper issue… like a lack of friendship and closeness. I pray that this couple will decide to really work to make their marriage into the beautiful thing God created it to be.
    http://myheartministry.blogspot.com/2013/02/a-hard-workin-wife_19.html
    Angie recently posted…Are You Listening?My Profile

  8. I love what Rachael brought up with the love languages. He’s probably expressing love in a way that speaks to him…she needs to touch him more! Not because she likes it but because he NEEDS it.

    I was also surprised that you didn’t take the “watching TV in different rooms” a little further. It’s ok to have different preferences but one key to being happily married is learning to compromise. Sometimes it’s a good thing to do what your spouse likes for the sole purpose of spending time with them. Clint and I learned this the hard way. Now we go to bed together and watch a little ESPN. Do I like it? Not often. But I like him. So I watch it in order to spend time together.

    • This is so true! Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little in the TV department to just spend time together while watching TV. My husband and I also do the same for movies — I tend to like the “chick flicks” where as my husband likes the action movies. He and I have both learned to take turns choosing the movie so that we both eventually get to see the movies we want to see and we’re together while doing it.

    • We aim to do things in the same room. Currently, Hubby’s computer is in the living room, and after Little Man goes to bed, I aim to move myself into there to do whatever I’m doing. He might play a video game, while I watch TV and putter on the lappy or sew something, but at least we are in the same room. Sometimes, we watch a godzilla movie (his current kick). Not my favorite, by a long shot, but he likes it, so I go with it.
      Rachael recently posted…Hope in the GriefMy Profile

      • Yes, absolutely stay in the same room. Even if you’re doing different things. There is something to be said for proximity.
        Iva @ This Side of Perfect recently posted…The Great American Summer #coppertonewatermomsMy Profile

      • ButterflyWings says:

        That’s what hubby and I do. We have our study where our things like our computer (and watch tv through the computer) are all set up.

        He likes to be “alone” and I like adult company. By being in the same room, doing our own things, he feels sufficiently alone ie he doesn’t have the constant stimulation of having to make conversation etc (which is what he really wants – he doesn’t mind company as long as he doesn’t have to talk) and I feel sufficiently like I have company because even though we’re not talking, I know he’s there and we could talk any time I did want to.

        It’s the perfect compromise for us and we both feel like our needs (his for peace and relaxation and mine for adult company) are being met.

  9. Sheila, I think you gave some great advice!

    I often like to think that marriage takes effort — from both spouses. Also, after reading Sheila’s blog (and other marriage blogs) I have learned that you can only change yourself — not your spouse. So, if a person wants to make their marriage more exciting and fulfilling, they need to be the ones to put forth the effort first. Chances are that, after the person’s spouse sees the changes, they may change as well.

    Here’s my advice:
    Definitely plan to spend some time together after putting your child to bed, even if it just starts by watching the same TV show in the same room (you or he may not always like the show, but you’re spending time together and taking an interest in what the other person is doing). Also, like Sheila said, find fun things (play games, go for bike rides, go on hikes, etc) to do together. I have found that when my husband and I do fun activities together, I’m more in the mood for sex than when we just sit and watch TV at night. Also, try to have “date nights” once in a while. Again, maybe you have to plan them yourself — some guys just aren’t into planning dates, and that’s okay. Have someone watch your child and go out and do something fun. Try to find various events that are going on in your area for things to go to and do.

    I truly hope that you find happiness in your marriage.

    • Thumb’s up!! …Dating Diva’s has some fun ideas on their websites for dates ranging from free to $$$ …. and maybe try to swap babysitting with another couple?

  10. I would definitely talk to hubby about your concerns and check out Sheila’s books, Kevin Lehman’s “Sheet Music”, maybe rent a hotel room for a night or two just to be somewhere different … and PRAY, when he’s in the mood and you’re not ask God to give you a desire for your husband, go to the bathroom and freshen up – slip on something that makes you feel sexy or will be surprising to him, some perfume, put your hair up … it sounds crazy but I can tell you it works! ;) Also ask God to be present and pleased with your lovemaking. Again, definitely talk to hubby and tell him how you’re feeling …

    • and try to compromise on the tv shows at least a few times — find something you both like or designate nights that it’s your night to watch with him, and vice versa …

      Have your hormones checked too, and see what things you can streamline during the day or ask him for help with so you do feel like it … quickies are ok too, doesn’t have to be long and drawn out every time. In fact a quickie while the two year old is watching a video or napping can rev things up! ;)

      and know that there is a season to everything including marriage — and when you’ve got wee ones it takes some more creativity, there is nothing necessarily WRONG with your marriage because you aren’t tearing each others clothes off every night! Being tired is ok as long as you talk about it and if you have to SCHEDULE sex at least once a week (some Jewish traditions, I’ve been told, were that it was the man’s “job” if you will to pleasure his wife as part of the Sabbath which is basically scheduling for every Friday night! LOL) — the more you have the more you’ll want to! ;)

  11. This could be me (a lot of years ago). I am so thankful that God helped me (through this and other marriage blogs) to see my erroneous thinking and get me on the right track. I used to be annoyed with my husband, too. but then after implementing many of Sheila’s suggestions, I changed my mind towards him, with the result that it usually is welcome, and/or he doesn’t need to chase me so hard (’cause he is getting what he needs).

  12. Sex boring? How can that be? I think that the sexual relationship between husband and wife is God’s most amazing gift to Christian couples. It is the most thrilling experience imaginable.
    Every time we do it in the same position and the foreplay is similar but each time it is a most wonderful time together. We are both seniors but when my wife has her orgasm I feel 10 feet tall.

  13. Sheila, I really appreciate your advice.
    I also agree with the couple of commenters who pointed out that some women like to be touched. I am one of those women and my husband tends to get withdrawn and grumpy and {in the past} has pulled away from me and acted impatiently when I try to have a lingering kiss, or grab him while he walks by me, or try to embrace him when he’s “busy”.
    This resulted in a damaged marriage. 14 years into my marriage I nearly had an affair, because I was lonely and felt so disconnected from my hubby. When my husband found out, it changed the dynamic in our marriage. God has been healing our marriage, and we are both finding that it’s important to prioritize spending time together every night, to talk together and spend time really listening.
    {Grins} I also am a big fan of trying new things in the bedroom. If you are content with the same every night, and your husband is too, then FABULOUS… if not, then try new positions, have a date night and go buy a book on sexual positions together (stores like Barnes n Nobles and Borders carry a fairly large selection), and then go home and try something new. Even buying the book, maybe perusing it a little in the store together can really “prime the pump” ;)
    AJ Collins recently posted…Intimacy in Marriage: Part 1 – Defining intimacyMy Profile

  14. Here’s my post about what to do when you don’t want sex anymore: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/low-sex-drive/
    Lisa recently posted…Ways to Spark a Relationship – By the End of the Day (All You Need is Your Cell Phone)My Profile

  15. I wish my hubby would kiss me while I was cooking or doing dishes! We have been married almost 4 years and have a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a 9 month old, plus an 8 year old from a previous marriage. I’m always the one that has to take the initiative. It doesn’t matter what I do,nothing works. And believe me I’ve tried everything! He even putsthe two toddler’s in the bed with us after I asked (begged!) him not to. I’m desperate.

  16. Well it’s gets harder as the years go by. The OP was complaining after just three years of marriage. I love my wife very, very much and we have been together now for 16 years. The problem is I am no longer attractive to her. Sex occurs once a month, and I just want it to end before it even starts. She’s not the same woman I married both physically and emotionally. She’s gained about 100 pounds, and can have wide mood swings. Complacency and irritability would be a great way to describe it.

    However there are all those moments when she’ll give me that “look”, and I realize how much I still love her. I think the $64,000 question (for me) is, how much of a desire should a person have to want to stay attractive to their mate? Should it be paramount, or should it be you love them unconditionally no matter what!

    I’m no Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I don’t have the patience of Job. I am far from perfect. However I am pretty much the same person as 16 years ago. My wife is not. I told her very, very kindly about three years ago, “Honey, I miss the girl I used to know”. It fell on deaf ears……

  17. ok my situation is completely different. I want sex.. he doesnt. Maybe once a week on a weekend do I get lucky. He also is not affectionate at all. I cant talk to him about it because he gets angry. (there is no edd issues) So whatever I do and need to improve I have to do it without directly involving him…. What do you suggest? I plan to get the 2 books mentioned above.
    Stacie recently posted…A Marriage Centered FamilyMy Profile

  18. Well, it is boring. We have different goals. Husband wants to sit on a couch and talk to his teenage girl cousins and give them guidance. I am 48 old wife so surlely will not provide too much excitement. BTW, I am the main breadwinner (almost twice his income!), cook and housekeeper in the family. Besides, I am slender and curvy with bmi of 22 and with very white and straight teeth and good looking. Mentioning this to let you know that if a man does not want you then he never will. I realized that and I am moving on. I am so hoping his teenage cousins can cook and clean for him, lol!! And of curse they posses wordly knowledge of current politics, science and history. LOL!

  19. The reason she is not receptive to him physically approaching her during the day is that he does not practice the art of ‘keeping the pot boiling’ by stoking her imagination with anticipation.

    He possibly views sex as a binary state, 1 being PIV, 0 being all other times. To her, it’s mostly mental and there are a thousand shades of gray. He does not understand that everything between him and her is, or can be, sexual.

    Watch ‘It’s Business Time’. A terrible tragedy, to be sure, but an excellent commentary on this problem. A tired woman not led toward sexual anticipation during the day will not turn into a passion flower in no time flat.

  20. To all you men who ignore your wives wake up! When my wife said she was unhappy and ” BORED” in our marriage I made changes within myself! I lost over 40 pounds work out almost everyday bought myself a hot muscle car joined a gym joined a great church and do more around the house tell her she is beautiful and I love her and our sex life has improved 1000 times over! I realized life is what you make it and do not be afraid to try new things!

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