Every weekend I try to answer a Reader Question. Here’s a woman writing that sex is boring, her marriage is boring, and she wonders how to get the excitement back:
We have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old. We hardly ever have sex because I am normally not in the mood to do anything and I just think it will take too long so I don’t even worry about it. I am not very physical towards him and he tends to be a little too much towards me (kissing neck while I am cooking or grabbing a feel somewhere which doesn’t do anything for me but make me feel like a piece of meat). When our child goes down for bed at night, he goes to his man cave to watch tv and I go to the living room to watch tv until we go to bed late at night. We don’t watch the same shows so staying in the same room doesn’t seem to fit. I feel like we are not what a normal newlywed couple should be and feel like there has got to be more to this life and marriage then what we are doing right now. When we do end up having sex, it is the same thing over and over again so it doesn’t seem to be an exciting thing to do on a daily basis. Can you help me out?
I’m going to answer this one in a series of links, because I’ve also already written a ton about this, so here goes:
1. Don’t Let Life Happen To You. Live It!
This may seem like it doesn’t have much to do with sex, but hear me out.
Too many people feel really passive when it comes to their lives. We complain, “We’re busy. We don’t do things together. There’s no romance.”
That may all be true.
But you see, those are all also choices that you have made. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but: If you want something in your marriage–excitement, a great relationship, that feeling of being utterly and completely in love–you have to make it happen.
Movies make it seem as if a great relationship is supposed to be effortless. It just HAPPENS. And so when it doesn’t happen for you, you think, the problem must just be with my marriage or with this guy I married.
But that’s not true. I think this graphic sums it up well:
So if you want a good marriage, work at it! If you don’t, of course marriage will be boring–and sex will be boring, too.
And so I’m going to say some harsh things.
As a couple, you have decided to spend evenings apart. As a wife, you have decided not to prioritize sex. And as a couple, you have decided not to work on how to make sex better for you.
Now, in each of those cases you made what was the easier decision to make. It’s easier to just let life happen. But if you want a great marriage–and it sounds like you really do, you’re just stuck–you need to go out there and MAKE it happen! So let’s look at just a few things.
2. Do Stuff Together
Seriously. Don’t spend your life in front of a screen.
I know you have a 2-year-old, so it’s harder. But here are some links that can help.
2 Player Games to Play as a Couple
Pick even just one night a week where you decide not to go on screens, but you decide to play together. Choose a game (and read the comments on that post; great suggestions there, too!). Seriously. Buy a game this weekend. And start playing!
Go for Walks Together
Toddlers are often easier to manage in a stroller. So make a point of going for a walk together after dinner every night. Even if it’s just for twenty minutes, and even if you scatter to different rooms to watch TV afterwards, at least you’ve taken some time to talk.
3. Make Love Regularly
You BOTH need this. It isn’t just for him. You need it, too. You need to feel close to him. You need to feel like you have a partner in raising your child. You need to feel as if he won’t leave you and will always love you. Sex does all of that. Plus it helps you sleep better!
I totally get you not liking it when he touches you sexually while you’re doing dishes or something. That’s not what you were thinking, and to many women it’s just plain annoying. But it would be less annoying if you were flirting with him at other times. And the reason he’s doing that is to get reassurance that you are interested in him, because it sounds like he’s really struggling.
It also sounds like you really to work through 31 Days to Great Sex! Honestly, I wrote it just for couples like you. In fact, many of the posts I’ve linked to are incorporated into the challenges. He sounds like he is slowly separating himself from you because he isn’t sure that you really want him anymore. And you are separating yourself from him because sex seems like too much of a chore.
You don’t want to live like that! You don’t want to settle for that. But it’s going to take talking about it, developing new habits, and prioritizing it. And here’s an easy way to work through that with your husband. It’s not like it’s 31 days of sex tricks; it’s helping you talk; telling him what you want; developing your friendship; working on feeling intimate; and having fun in bed. They’re all interconnected.
4. Make Sex Feel Wonderful
Finally, it sounds like one of the reasons you’re struggling is because sex just isn’t that exciting. 31 Days to Great Sex will definitely help you with that!
I want to help us not just make love, but also have tremendous fireworks at the same time. It’s going to be a ton of fun.
If you want your marriage to be great, you need to work at it. If you want to create a certain life for yourself, you need to chase it down, not just wait for it to show up. And your marriage is worth chasing after! So get the 31 Days to Great Sex. Have fun together. Laugh together! And make sex great.
Yes, it takes effort. Yes, you’re tired. Yes, he may not be too enthusiastic (he may, for instance, think that you’re criticizing him).
But push through. If you want this, go out and get it. Jesus didn’t say, “sit back and let life happen”. He wanted to give us an ABUNDANT life. And that means seeking after God, and the things that we know that God wants us to have–in abundance.