When I speak, I often ask women, “how many of you are control freaks?” About 2/3 of the women raise their hands. We are control freaks, because we have very definite ideas of how life should go. We have high expectations of ourselves. And we want to seem like we have it all together.
There’s a ton of other reasons, too–fear of failure, fear that something will happen to those we love, fear of rejection–but today I want to talk about how the control freak tendency can really wreak havoc in the bedroom.
I received an email from a reader recently which said,
I have had an epiphany about my sex life with my hubby. I am a control-freak. So, I think, that spills over to our sex life. While expressing this to him, this is what I told him, “when we are intimate, it makes me feel out-of-control. A lack of control, if you will. It’s like I don’t have control over my body, sensuality, emotions, etc. ..but in a good way. I almost feel nervous and silly, especially initiating sex.” He loves for me to initiate but I do not do it very often. Because of the above-mentioned.
When it comes to the bedroom, the problem is not so much that we’re trying to control other people as it is that we’re trying to stay in control of ourselves. That doesn’t work. So, ladies, here’s why being a control freak CAN’T work in the bedroom:
Great Sex Means You Need to Lose Control
What does it mean to be in control? It means that you have full control of all of your thoughts. You know what’s happening. You’re aware of your surroundings. You’re standing on guard. Nothing will take you by surprise.
But sex doesn’t work well that way. For you to actually enjoy yourself, you have to be able to stop concentrating on what’s going on and just start FEELING. Sex is about FEELING, not so much about THINKING. If you overthink things, sex won’t work well.
Often one of the biggest roadblocks to actually reaching orgasm, for instance, is that we’re so worried about it. In order to really achieve an orgasm (as I talked about here, and as I go into much more depth, with more tips, in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex), you have to just let the waves take over you. If you’re constantly thinking, “am I there yet? Will I? Will it happen?”, it won’t. The waves can’t take over if you’re thinking too much.
So great sex means you need to turn off the constant dialogue in your head. And that’s hard.
Great Sex Means You Aren’t Really, Well, Proper
A proper woman is someone who is fully buttoned up, with the tea kettle on, not a hair out of place, and very gentle speech.
Great sex is the opposite of all of that. You can’t be worried about what you look like, or what you sound like, or even what you’re doing if you’re going to be able to enjoy yourself. Why is that we try so hard to be proper in our everyday life? We care what others think of us. So it’s as if we’re walking around outside of ourselves, watching ourselves, making sure we’re doing everything right. We train ourselves to be conscious of our every move.
Great sex means throwing caution to the wind and letting yourself be primitive, not proper. This isn’t, by the way, because there’s anything “improper” with sex in marriage; on the contrary, God created us so that our most basic and instinctual need to be connected to another human being mimics the deep need we have for intimacy with God. And that intimacy isn’t quite proper, either.
Remember how in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe the Beavers are trying to explain Aslan to the children, and they keep saying, “he’s not a tame lion, you know.” That’s what sex is like. It isn’t tame. It isn’t something you can put a lid on and keep it unmessy and organized. It spills over. It revels. It even screams.
Good Sex Requires Trust
The opposite of control is trust. When we’re in control, we have no need to trust anyone. We’re safe. We’ve got everything under our fingers.
But in order to really enjoy sex you have to be able to trust the other person. What makes sex stupendous is that feeling as if you’re truly one. That feeling of spiritual intimacy feeds the feelings of physical pleasure and makes the latter so much stronger. But you can’t feel like you’re one if you’re in control of everything you do, and he’s in control of everything he does, and you just move together in bed. That’s two people, not one person.
When you trust, though, you can become “improper”. You can really let yourself feel and you can turn your mind off just a little bit. You can stop worrying about what he thinks, or whether he really loves you. You know you’re able to trust (if you can’t trust him because of porn, or because of adultery, that’s such a tough place to be. Before you can truly rebuild your sex life, you likely have to rebuild trust).
Good Sex Requires Embracing Your Sexual Side
Sex and feeling in control are really polar opposites. Someone in control is ruled by their thoughts, while someone enjoying sex is giving in to feelings. And what are those feelings? They’re sexual.
That’s scary to a lot of people, because it feels shameful. But there is absolutely nothing shameful about making love to your husband.
And there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed in the moment and screaming. There’s nothing wrong with desperately wanting to touch something–or to be touched. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you’re on fire.
But when we grow up feeling that these things are wrong–that only “bad girls” feel that way–then when we start to have those feelings we often work hard to turn them off.
A great sex life means that you give in to those feelings. You embrace your sexual side. You realize that this is who you were made to be–with your husband. And this is a good thing! You can fuel those feelings with some texts to him during the day, or some nibbles on his ear after dinner, or whispers to him. You can flirt. You can tease him. You can even initiate!
Good Sex Means You’re Naked
Finally, here’s the hardest one for some of us control freaks: good sex means you’re naked. You can’t hide. He sees all of you–and he still accepts you and wants you.
So often it’s we who hate our bodies, not our husbands (if your husband has put your body down, read this post). If you can let yourself see yourself as your husband does–full of desire and acceptance–that can be intoxicating.
If you sum all of this up, isn’t this what we truly want? We don’t have to worry about what other people thinking. We don’t want to worry about our performance. We don’t want to feel ashamed. We don’t want to feel judged. We want to be able to turn off these constant voices and accusations in our heads, and just relax and enjoy in the moment. We want to feel one. We want to feel connected.
These are all truly beautiful things, and they are a gift from God for marriage. You really can have them. It just means giving up control.
Can you do it? Your sex life will never be the same.
If you’re having trouble giving up control in the bedroom, 31 Days to Great Sex can take you on a step-by-step journey that will help! It’s non-threatening, and many of the challenges help you to talk more and learn to flirt more, not just have sex more. Check it out!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the Linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these marriage posts and be encouraged, too.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.