Wifey Wednesday: I Have No Libido!

It’s Wednesday, the day that we talk marriage! I post on the topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below. Ever say to yourself, “I have no libido”? You’re not alone! Let’s spend today’s post looking at how to boost your sex drive.

"I have no libido". Help if you never seem to want to say yes!One of the most frequent questions I get is:

I really WANT to want sex, but the truth is I just don’t. It’s not something I naturally think about, and it’s always something that I tack on at the end of the day. I have no libido. It’s as simple as that. And I don’t know what to do about it!

Of course this may be a testosterone issue, and if you really feel like something is just WRONG (as in different from the way you used to feel), then it’s good to get a doctor to check your levels.

But it is quite common to go through LONG periods where you feel like you have no libido, and your levels AREN’T out of whack. I’ve gone through periods of months, or even years, like that, and then I’ll have some periods of the exact opposite. So much about a woman’s libido depends on our kids, and our energy levels, and our stress, and our relationships. We’re very complex beings. And because, for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads (as in our heads have to be in the game or our bodies won’t follow), if we’re stressed, our bodies often sit dormant.

So what would I do? In no particular order, here are some thoughts on how to boost a low libido:

Have no Libido? Make sex great FOR YOU.

You may not have much of a libido that makes you want sex, but that doesn’t mean that sex can’t feel good. And if you decide, “tonight, I want to feel GREAT”, you’re more likely to. When your brain is engaged, your body tends to follow.

So that means making sure that you actually DO feel great. Of course it’s easier to reach orgasm if you actually are “in the mood” frequently, but it doesn’t mean it can’t happen. And if you take steps to make it your goal and make sure it does, you’re more likely to find that libido again. If sex has just never felt good, my book The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex goes over all kinds of ways to make it feel stupendous–and to understand how things work.

Remember that making sure it feels good for you DOESN’T mean that you have to be craving sex before you start. In fact, most women don’t. According to research, for men, desire PRECEDES making love. For women, desire comes after you start making love. So it’s not like you need to be panting first.

But, if, when you start kissing him, you’re thinking in your head, “tonight I’m going to feel GOOD”, then you can jumpstart your body.

The problem is that making sex great for you requires that you’re more ACTIVE–that you’re telling him what you want, and that you’re actually trying to get it. That’s hard if you’re not really “in the mood”. But think of it like exercise: you don’t really want to do it, but you’re looking forward to the reward afterwards, so you put your all into it.

If you can put your all into it, you’ll get the reward. If you let your feelings stop you from putting your all into it, you won’t.

I’m not trying to minimize how hard it is; just saying that if you decide “I actually want to feel GOOD tonight”, it really does make it more appealing.

Concentrate on the good stuff about making love.

So how do you tell yourself “I’m going to feel good tonight”? Think about the benefits of making love. You’ll sleep better. It does feel good. Keep imagining that throughout the day–how well you’ll sleep, how good you’ll feel. Actually pick deliberate times of the day to picture the rewards. Not to try to feel sexy–you may honestly not be able to do that. But to picture the rewards.

Go to bed REALLY EARLY.

The combination of low libido and exhaustion is a recipe for disaster. The only thing that helps is not being tired. So turn in right when the kids do, if you have to, and make love FIRST. Then curl up and watch a movie together, or get on your iPads and check Twitter, or whatever else you may normally do. But try to get sex in earlier in the night.

Make sex really RELAXING.

Ask him to massage you a lot (massage candles work great for that). Turn it into a sensual experience so that you can enjoy the whole package. That way it’s not so much a SEXUAL thing as it is a SENSUAL thing. And that often makes the sexual easier. (but again, that only works if you’re not exhausted). Talk to him about how you want sex to be drawn out experience, and you’re more likely to feel good if he gives you a massage first. Be open about it, and then, as he’s touching you, pay attention to your body. Tune in, and ask yourself, “what would my body like now”?

I can’t emphasize enough how important a step this is. When we start to see sex as totally a sexual thing, and we’re not sexually aroused, it can be a chore. But when the whole evening is about spending time together, and relaxing, and feeling close, we can start to desire it even if we’re not particularly in the mood. So explain to your husband how important it is that you have that “transition time” or massage and touching each other. It helps prep your body, but it also preps your mind.

Get jelly.

Really. Astroglide works best. (And some women swear by coconut oil!). But if you’re well lubricated, arousal is much easier. In fact, you’ll get more aroused if you start out lubricated than if you don’t. So if this is a real struggle for you, get some help.

I hope that helps! I honestly do know how hard it is. But if we turn off the voice that says, “I have no libido”, and turn on the voice that says, “I am going to have fun tonight, absolutely,” your body will often follow. But you have to set your mind to it and anticipate the rewards, even if you don’t feel sexy and even if you still wonder if your sex drive works. And that positive attitude can often jumpstart a low libido.

Now, what advice do you have for us? Leave the URL of one of your marriage posts in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can see these great marriage resources. Just grab the code at the right.

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The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

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Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.



Comments

  1. I was reading your post I got to thinking about the core message, put your mind to it and your attitude will change. It’s fascinating the power that our minds have. I recently heard a gentleman put it this way: our thoughts shape our perceptions and our perceptions are our reality. This means that not only do our thoughts help influence our activities in the bedroom (and elsewhere) but they affect our entire relationship with our spouse. If I’m feeling irritated or annoyed with my wife I have the ability to change that by changing my thoughts (the reverse is also true so we need make sure that our positive thoughts don’t become negative). It’s not always easy but it is in our control. Thanks for the reminder!
    Tyson @ Uplifting Love recently posted…BedpartnerMy Profile

  2. Great suggestions! I have found the importance of every single one of those mentioned in this post. Where my mind goes, my body follows.

    Megan
    Megan@DoNotDisturb recently posted…Sex in a Box: IntroductionMy Profile

  3. Coconut oil really DOES work great! You can start with it as massage oil. It is all natural, non petroleum based and very light.

  4. I love these tips Sheila.
    Sometimes women follow the Hollywood script (or our own misinformed notions about our body) in the bedroom. We just end up disappointed! Most of us don’t start out raving and rearing to go… We are wired so differently.
    I agree with you about picturing and envisioning the rewards. It probably won’t make a woman feel sexy at that moment. But it begins to prep the mind
    These are great practical insights , thanks for sharing again!
    Ngina Otiende recently posted…Love and The LawMy Profile

  5. mommawithfour says:

    I generally have not too many issues with this when Im NOT pregnant but the moment I get preggers (expecting #5 currently) I go from 100 mph to about 5, and it is a MAJOR drag, not just for him but for ME TOO! . We still have sex as much as we did before but my husband knows it is not the same and believe me Ive tryed everthing I can think of (and so has he) to get the libido going in me. Any advice for the hormonally frustruated pregnant women who shut off like a light switch when they get pregnant??…this is the one thing I hate about being pregnant, aside from that we both cherish the gift of life deeply. Thanks

    • Carolyn Dahl says:

      Wow, that’s me too! I’m pregnant with number 4 and when I’m not pregnant I have a high libido, however when I am pregnant and breastfeeding I have a heck of a time getting in the mood. Making sure I get enough rest helps… but I would love some suggestions on this topic as well! I’d love to know how to flip my switch more too.

  6. Heather D says:

    Thanks for this post. We are both thirty and have been trying to get pregnant for years, so sex has become more of a “maybe tonight is the night we make a baby” chore. I try really hard to focus on the love and feelings associated, but sometimes it’s hard! Great advice. =)

  7. Being on birth control lowered my libido! I discovered, though, that a progesterone only pill does not. Wish I would have figured this out in the early years of my marriage. Then maybe sex wouldn’t have been quite as much of a struggle for us!
    Rachel recently posted…A Generation That Did Not Know GodMy Profile

  8. Liz M. says:

    I suggest getting your thyroid checked too. You’d be amazed at how much your thyroid will affect things like libido. Doctors recommend that women start getting their thyroid checked every 5 years at age 30. So many women have thyroid issues and don’t even realize it!

  9. Danielle says:

    Great advice! What about when your ready and 8 out of 10 times, your just getting warmed up and he just finishes? 5 years into marriage and it hasn’t gotten much better since the honeymoon night when we were both virgins. Thanks in advance for advice!

    • Liz M. says:

      Talk to him! I had that problem when we first married, but through great communication we were able to work it out. My poor hubby didn’t even realize that I wasn’t finishing. I think the key to great sex, besides being in the mood, is communication. You have to tell him what feels good and what doesn’t. He’s not a psychic after all.

    • Stephanie G says:

      The book “Sheet Music” has some helpful tips in this area – he kind of coaches men on how to work on this issue.

  10. Hi! Thank you for taking the time to write this, I’m already encouraged. I’ve been married for less than a year, and I am often running into the problem that I am not Stimulated by even the things that I timidly ask my husband to do during foreplay. Can you point me in the right direction to either address my thoughts about this or find ways to find out what would please me, or understand how I can help my husband figure this out/work through this? I feel so guilty that I have been so difficult to please thus far. I’m trying so hard and I really want to have good sex. I also focus on him a lot, because making him happy makes me happy, If I can’t be satisfied myself.

  11. I think I need to give these tactics a go, I will have a problem with sleeping really early though with the kids jumping around.
    Tulisa recently posted…Does Pregnancy Miracle Work? My Detailed ReviewMy Profile

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