It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I’ll introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post below.
Why is it so hard sometimes to say yes to sex?
- he hasn’t paid attention to any part of my day up to that moment.
- When the house is turned upside down!
- When a sexual comment is the only conversation I’ve heard from hubby all day…we’ve been married 30 years.
- When we’ve had an argument and then he thinks he can roll over and we’ll kiss and make up. Yeah right!!!! Or when I’m so tired I can’t see straight
- .…when the only conversation for the day is a proposition
- you don’t come to bed until after mid night because you once again fell asleep watching television.
- When I can’t get my brain to slow down and relax.
- …when he ignored and/or criticized me all day
- I’ve been in mommy mode for 12 hours.
- you refuse to shower for a long length of time.
- when he wont kiss me and ask me how i am doing or say good morning
- When I have had to discipline kids allllll day long!!! Sometimes it is difficult switching roles!!!
- When I feel unattractive and over weight. Regardless of how beautiful my husband tells me I am.
- When I had small babies with me all day, I felt like someone was ALWAYS touching me. I needed hands-off time.
- …he has fallen asleep on the couch and stayed there and it happens a couple nights in a row, and then suddenly comes to bed several nights later…
And then there were a few versions of this one:
- I know it doesn’t last too long….lol
(I’m going to deal with this one in an awesome blog series in September: How to Make Love so it Curls Your Toes! So wait for it. It’s going to be fun).
Whew! That’s a lot of women struggling in this area.
So ladies, we all know we have these issues. We know these problems abound. But we also know that sex keeps a marriage close. It helps you to sleep better. And it helps you to feel more positively towards your spouse.
How, then, do we get over this hurdle and actually make love?
Some quick thoughts for you today:
1. Go to bed at a decent hour regularly
Seriously. The biggest hurdle? Exhaustion. I totally understand. But when we’re always running on 6 1/2 hours of sleep, or we don’t head to bed until we’re ready to drop, we’re hardly going to want to make love.
So go to bed at the same time. Turn off those screens and turn in! And here’s a way to think about it: You need 8 hours of sleep. You also need AT LEAST half an hour in bed first, talking and praying and making love. So you should be going to bed AT LEAST 8 1/2 hours before the alarm is going to go off (or the kids are going to arrive in the bedroom).
Do that consistently, and you’ll likely find exhaustion isn’t as much of a factor.
I know it’s hard when children are really little, but that’s when setting firm schedules and helping them learn to sleep through the night can be so important.
2. Take some time for yourself during the day
Find an hour, just for yourself, sometime during the day so that you don’t need those late hours at night. A friend of mine, who is a foster mom, joined a gym where they offer free day care. Now she can exercise, or just relax in the pool, for an hour every so often while her foster kids are taken care of. She needs that break.
Another friend of mine who works full time takes her lunch hour all to herself. She doesn’t hang out with co-workers. She just goes for a walk and eats while walking, or she reads a novel. She escapes to a food court where people won’t bug her and she just catches a few moments when no one is asking her to do anything.
Get that time earlier in the day and you’ll be more rejuvenated later in the day! And don’t expect that time to magically appear. You have to plan it! Sign up for my parenting newsletter (just look on the right hand sidebar) and you’ll get some free household organization charts to help you schedule this time in. Or get a gorgeous daytime agenda planner to keep you motivated and on track.
3. Find time to talk to your hubby
One of the biggest impediments was a version of, “he’s only interested in me for one thing”. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t speak nicely to me. He spends the evening as a couch potato and then he wants sex.
That can be very demoralizing. But I’ve also found that, in general, the more we make love, the more he actually WANTS to spend time together. It becomes a circle that feeds itself. You make love, he feels more affectionate and generous. He acts more affectionate and generous, you make love. Etc. etc.
So start the ball rolling! But if that’s still difficult because you just haven’t connected, plan time earlier in the evening to do that connection. Go for a walk after dinner. Ask if he’ll help you with the dishes routine after dinner so that you can talk while doing the dishes. Talk about what chores you can assign to each other so you feel as if he has contributed that evening. Maybe he can always be the one to give the kids their baths, for instance. We tend to clean the house when we see what needs doing. Men don’t work the same way. So if you ask him for a specific task, he’s more likely to do it.
If you talk more earlier in the day, and if he does a chore or two, you can get over some of that reluctance. And then see how adding sex to the equation in your marriage can actually improve many of these difficulties that make you distant in the first place!
Finally, the reason that we find it hard to say yes is that for women, sex is primarily in our brains. If our brains aren’t engaged, it’s hard for our bodies to feel aroused. So feeling distant, feeling exhausted, or feeling taken for granted all become major impediments because they impact our thought processes.
But remember: it also works the other way. If sex is primarily in our brains, then if we DECIDE to have a positive attitude about it, and we DECIDE to anticipate it, our bodies will likely follow. We are not slaves to our thoughts; we can change them–and these new thoughts can change your marriage. Think earlier in the day: I am going to feel AMAZING tonight. We are going to have AWESOME sex and it’s going to help me sleep so well! I’m going to be able to RELAX tonight an all the worries of the day are going to float away. I’m going to have so much FUN! We’re going to really connect tonight!
Start thinking about the benefits of sex, and thinking about what’s coming, and you just may find that it’s easier to say yes after all!
Now tell me in the comments: which strategy will make the biggest difference in your marriage?
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.