Wifey Wednesday: Do You Need Controls/Filters on Your Computer?

Christian Marriage Advice

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post in the linky at the bottom.

Today I want to talk about internet accountability.

Do You Need Internet Controls or Filters on Your Computer?

When I was a little girl, about 9 years old, I was staying at a sleepover at a friend’s house. The friend belonged to a good family. Yet while there, she showed me the stack of porn magazines of her dad’s that were back there in that shed. I found the pictures fascinating (and hard to get out of my mind).

Yet back then it was hard to see porn unless someone actually went to a store and bought it. So it was relatively easy to avoid. You had to make the decision to get in your car, drive to the store, ask for the magazine, and fork over the money. At any one of those points you could have changed your mind. It wasn’t such a temptation because it wasn’t easily accessible.

Today the most common emails I get from women are from those who have caught their husbands using porn, or soliciting women for online sex (which only happens after they’ve already indulged in lots of porn). These women are devastated, and they don’t know what to do.

One recent study found that 86% of Christian men will seek out porn if they know they won’t get caught. We as women need to recognize what a HUGE temptation this is to men (and to many women as well).

And what about our kids? When they’re starting to get sexual feelings, it’s asking an awful lot of them to refrain from checking things out on the internet.

Do we understand how huge a problem porn is? I don’t think we do, or we would take more steps to stop it. Porn use is not all caused by women withholding sex in marriage; porn is a separate temptation, and can happen even in marriages where she wants sex very much (and, in fact, in many marriages the wife wants sex, but the husband doesn’t because he’s getting sexual release elsewhere). Porn use also often predates marriage, and many men find it difficult to stop.

And now women are increasingly using it, too, thinking that porn is somehow empowering our sex drives.

Yet why is porn harmful?

 

  • Porn can make it difficult for you to become aroused by your spouse, since your arousal is now focused on media, not relationship.
  • Porn makes sex into something that is purely physical, not something that is intimate. Then it becomes very difficult to experience sex as intimate.
  • Porn makes fantasy during sex necessary to “complete the deed”, since you can’t focus on your spouse. Sex becomes selfish.
  • For young people, porn sets them up to entirely unrealistic expectations and unhealthy arousal patterns.

Porn will not stop just because we want it to.

  • Studies have found that porn is even more addictive than crack. It triggers chemical reactions in the brain that are intense and hard to resist. Just because someone wants to stop does not mean that they easily can.
  • In other addictions, the only thing that has consistently worked is accountability. We need others to help us; it’s not a matter of just “praying harder” or “believing more”. It’s a matter of being there for each other.
  • Porn is too easily accessible, and too easy to access anonymously, to think that teenagers and adults will always be able to resist temptation, even if they have not used porn in the past.

CovenantEyes.com

Stop Temptation Before It Starts with Covenant Eyes

You install the program, and then someone you trust receives a report of all the websites you visit. Voila! Temptation gone.

Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability tracks every site you visit, rates each one for its content using six age-based ratings, (such as T for Teen or M for Mature) and delivers a regular report to the friend you choose.

The best part about this? You do not have to be your husband’s accountability partner! If he slips up, he knows he’ll be talking to another guy about it. But you can let it go and trust that this guy will follow up so that you don’t have to.

It’s not healthy to serve as his accountability partner, anyway, so this way someone who doesn’t even live in the same house can still help your husband avoid temptation.

But you can make sure that YOU avoid temptation, too! And you can watch what your kids are watching as well. Don’t assume that just because you have daughters, not sons, that this won’t be a problem. The fastest growing demographic for viewing porn right now are teenage girls. We all need accountability–even females.

Features

Customizable reports

The easy-to-read reports can be customized so your accountability partner isn’t overwhelmed having to scroll through mountains of data. It can report only when you visit sites ranked Highly Mature, for instance.

Covenant Eyes also rates and reports web searches, such those done in Google, Bing, and other search engines, and keeps track of YouTube videos (and other videos) watched, too.

Mobile accountability

Covenant Eyes can also be installed on iPads, iPhones, iPods (great for teens!), and even Android devices. And these apps are free when you subscribe to Internet Accountability on your computer. Learn more about Accountability for mobile devices.

Optional filtering

For $1.50 more, add Internet filtering to your Windows computers for added protection.

Try it today for one month free!

Covenant Eyes Accountability starts at $8.99/month, but Covenant Eyes is offering it to readers of To Love, Honor and Vacuum free for the first 30 days when you sign up using the promocode tlhv.

Learn more about Covenant Eyes’ pricing.

Seriously, this isn’t something we should just let be. I’ve heard people say things like, “you have to trust people. And everyone needs to learn to withstand temptation.” Or “one day your kids will move out and they’ll have to stand on their own two feet, so don’t shelter them too much now.” I do understand that line of thinking. But we wouldn’t lead a teenage boy into a strip club and say, “remember, you’re only here for the chicken wings. Just don’t look at anything.” I think we forget how strong a temptation this can honestly be. And if there’s a tool that will help people avoid temptation–when the ramifications of not doing so are so great–why would you not take it?

Talk to your husband about this. Talk to your kids about this. Maybe it’s time ALL of you got accountable. Not just the men, but we women, too. I think it’s a great tool, and as a wife and the mother of teenagers, I endorse it wholeheartedly.

I get so many heartbreaking emails, and I want the problem to stop. I think this is one tool we have in our arsenal, and I hope that many of you will take me up on it!

Now, what do you have to share with us today about marriage? Link up a marriage post in the linky below, and be sure to share the link back here so other people can read great marriage posts, too. And you can copy my button code from the sidebar!



Comments

  1. As good as it is (and I’m not against it by any means), but Covenant Eyes can’t protect me from my own thoughts and the images already burned into my mind. Neither can I escape living in a world that is rapidly becoming more invasive and aggressive in its opposition to God and His design for sexuality. Some examples? I’ve been bombarded with near pornographic images on the slew of TVs surrounding me at Applebee’s while simply waiting for my food with my family, and the FCC is currently trying to eliminate its ban on full frontal nudity and profanity on TV. I read someone’s blog a while ago about how a woman on a flight was subjected to a man sitting next to her watching porn on his laptop. When she complained, another woman nearby stood up and told her “Shut up! Nobody cares.”

    The best filter is a genuinely changed heart–one that recognizes the ugly lies that pornography, lust, and immorality are, while esteeming the beauty of what God intended sexuality and marriage to be. Immodest dress/fashion, magazine covers at supermarket checkouts–even TV ads–aren’t going to going away; in fact, they’re going to get worse. You have to first and foremost recognize and disarm the motives and intent behind whatever you may encounter, and God has to place within you a repulsion for it. Before God, that is my testimony of how He rescued me from porn.

    The answer lies in the completely different focus and perspective than simply avoiding or not doing. It’s in living out the truth of God’s Word: honoring Him, respecting women, and calling on the carpet the lies and intentional twisting of sexuality for what it is. My prayer is that God will never let me go back.

  2. I’m with Greg here…sort of. I do think you use all the tools in your toolbox if they are needed and this looks to be a decent tool but really it comes down to heart. There wasn’t any tool that had anything but minimal success in my battle. There are only two things that had any kind of substantial success…not wanting to hurt God or my wife…but let me finish. God can seem far away at times, so not wanting to hurt Him is big but because of that distance we can feel and how judgement/exposure to the light can seem so long away off this is only part of the equation.

    Not wanting to hurt my wife…this is where Sheila and I go seperate ways on this to be clear. As someone that’s lived thru this this is my two cents. When my wife was NOT meeting my needs not only did I CRAVE something sexual, after years it’s pretty easy reasoning to justify hurting her back…you’re in such intense pain you almost want to do it. She’s in the next room, the hurting her or not wanting to hurt her is very real. So please understand if your husband is feeling hurt by you in a sexual way no tool/filter etc is going to keep him away from it for too long. After twelve years of my wife hurting me sexually and after a few years I started turning around and hurting her (although I fought it very very hard…I found no true long term success), when she stopped doing that and started loving me and meeting my needs….well the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt my wife. And please understand we compartmentalize this as men. In every other facet of our live my goal was to protect and love her…Now that she is not hurting me we don’t need filters, passwords, etc (although they are still good for children) because I don’t want to hurt her.

    But if the reason he is going is not that, it’s some other deep seated thing in his life that’s making him use this then he needs to identify that and you need to identify if he understands or cares that he is hurting you. If he understands and cares that he is hurting you then & this isn’t a slip up a here and there but a pretty constant use problem & he can’t stop then you need to pull out every tool you can….it’s an addiction and filters will help but as Sheila’s wisely points out it’s only one tool. Don’t think it will solve everything. If he cares he’s hurting you, you’re in for a long battle (with a lot of prayer) but he/you will probably win with a lot of prayer, boundaries, help, grace and love.

    If he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you (and your aren’t hurting him in some serious manner) then it’s time to get on your knees and pray like never before because it won’t matter what you do. In this case it truly comes down to heart change and his needs to do a 180. Unlike Sheila, I think the most powerful person in this battle other than the man himself is his wife, and it’s not even close. There will be few men, unless he’s got an extremely tight family or best friend (and I mean he’s the 1 in 100) that are going to see this battle thru (and yes, that’s a whole problem in itself in men these days but one that will have to be tackled another day).

    Think of porn use like driving a country highway. Around my place you can not see a cop for days and most people speed (that also how rampant porn use is). I can not use it (not speed) because 1) I’ll get caught by the authorities (accountability partner) 2) It’s not right (God) 3) I don’t want my wife who is my world and is sitting right next to me to be hurt if I crash. You can find away around #1 and even the technology. #2, breaking the law isn’t right but most people still do it, yes even Christian people and it’s easy to rationalize away but #3 gets me everytime. I should note here as men I care way more about my wife’s life than my own. Even when she was hurting me tremendously I would of gladly died for her, but remember sex is it’s own thing to man. If you are the most wonderful wife in the world in every way but are hurting him sexually, he compartmentalizes that one single aspect. In other words he’d die for you but it’s comes about 1000% easier to sin sexually…

    So in conclusion, if you are the person your husband doesn’t want to hurt he’ll win, it may take awhile but he’ll win. If he doesn’t care, pray like never before. It does come down to the heart.

    • As a woman who was addicted to porn, I agree with Robert in that my husband was hurting me by being so very selfish in bed and refusing to bring me to climax for years so I turned to porn as a way to hurt him back AND fill that void that hubby was leaving. What broke me of my addiction was discovering hubby was also looking at porn!

      Also, Sheila, in your list of why porn is harmful, you didn’t list that it is a sin against God and continuing in that sin means you are living a life separated from God’s will and potentionally leaving you in line for not inheriting the kingdom of Heaven!

      9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
      10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

      Also, in looking at porn, you are contributing to the destruction, sin and demise of the people in the porn. You are destroying the humanity of women…ALL women. You are saying yes to human trafficking and sexual slavery. You are committing adultery against your wife. You are pretty much telling your daughter that all she is worth is the breasts on her chest and the bits between her legs. You are teaching your sons that all women are good for is to serve men sexually. You are destroying your own sexuality.

      So, guys, gals, KNOCK IT OFF! You have NO RIGHT to look at those videos and images. NO right whatsoever! It is rottenness to your very soul. It makes the devil dance and laugh and celebrate and MOCK you! It puts money in abusers’ pockets. It ensures that another innocent little girl is going to get kidnapped and groomed into the next young woman on the screen. Look at your daughter! Would you want that to happen to her? Guess what. It happened to someone else’s little girl!

      God called men to protect women, not use and abuse them for their own gratification! Porn is NOT harmless and looking at porn means you too are using and abusing those women (and men). That alone should stop you dead in your tracks!

      I am sorely ashamed of my addiction to porn. The pit of my stomach is sick with disgust at myself and I weep for those people I saw in those pictures and videos. The lure, the temptation is still there. Sometimes the images pop into my mind and I have to chase them away. (Take every thought captive.) But the saddness and disgust over porn thankfully takes over and I don’t go back. I CAN’T go back! It is just too wrong! It’s more than just a sexual sin of lust of the eyes. It is so much more worse than just that! God is grieved for His precious creations…his sons and especially his daughters who are so corrupted in porn.

      • Thank you for that. I completely agree. And you’re right–it is an absolute sin against God. I appreciate what you said about it also being a sin against the women (and the men) IN the porn.

      • Oh, and thank you also for admitting that you were a WOMAN addicted to porn. I think that in the next few years we’re going to see more and more women step forward and admit that they, too, used porn and need to stop. Right now it’s safe for men to admit it. It’s not safe for women. There’s still a huge stigma and a belief that “women aren’t tempted by that”. But women ARE, even if we aren’t in the same way. And erotica can be just as bad, except that there aren’t ACTUAL women and men being abused in it. But it still is the same sin towards God and towards your spouse and towards your own soul.

  3. I want so much for our society to get the message on pornography, and I fight it like any mom and wife who knows the destructiveness of it. I do think we’re fighting the Last Days in our efforts, and I feel torn about what to do. We aren’t going to stop God’s plan from moving forward, and we are going to see worse and worse behavior in media and in society. Everywhere we go there are screens, and they show advertisements, videos, and programs that shock me to my core — that human flesh and adulterous, coarse, vulgar, crude and lewd activities take place at any time, on any channel never fails to stun me, and then enrage me.

    From 2 Timothy 3:1-5
    “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”

    This isn’t to say we shouldn’t take a stand, that we shouldn’t lift a finger, that we shouldn’t say a word … but we are fighting against prophecy being fulfilled. We need to protect our marriages and families, our friends and our relatives from the outright ruining of decency and purity, and I do think we need to express that “this is what God says will happen.” And it’s happening, faster and faster every day. We don’t have to like it, and we definitely don’t have to join it. But people we love DO, and we want them to know the peace of not feeling that pull and struggle.

    We can only plant seeds and leave it up to God to do the growing. We don’t know which ground is weedy or rocky every time. We can only do our part.

    That brings me to the accountability aspect.

    I have a friend who suffers from the aftermath of pornography addiction, and then a follow-up addiction to phone sex. Her husband wants healing, but they haven’t bridged the gap in their relationship that widened with every click and call. It’s true that God has to change the heart, and that means addressing the problem in each person, by each person.

    In my friend’s struggle, she noted that her husband wants no one, even a stranger, to know his wrong-doing for the embarrassment factor. He shook off counseling for months, and mere thought of an accountability partner made him fall silent for a long time. He did finally go to counseling, and they have found improvement in marriage, no sex. NONE.

    Both are Christian, but labels make no difference when the heart hasn’t truly joined the team. And, like other things we should do as Christians, as wives, as husbands, as humans … we don’t. Accountability can make a difference, but it’s another crutch. Without the crutch, the temptation hasn’t been quelled, it has only been temporarily thwarted.

    Except there’s God, and he sees and knows all — that’s the accountability we need to promote. I am not a crutch person, and learning to lean on God, to me, is the only way.

    Just my 2 cents (American, too, so less value, probably). :)
    Amy recently posted…Replacements UnlimitedMy Profile

    • And then I came across this: http://jackieandbobby.com/2013/04/09/is-pornography-cheating/

      From a man’s perspective, and how accountability (of a different type) worked/works.
      Amy recently posted…Replacements UnlimitedMy Profile

    • Amy,
      That was a great link. My question for you is concerning your friends you mentioned. Assuming she was doing her part and not refusing, now that he sounds like he has repented and is going to counseling, at what point is she was the one sinning, by no sex, NONE?

      I’m not against reconcilation periods…although in my experience it had better be short….and falls under by mutual consent to pray (that is once some one has repented). Sorry for asking, but I’ve been thru too much damage and seen to much damage by low drive wives who would take that and run with it (and to be honest be overly thankful for a month, six month, one year, or many year reconcilation period) and that is just as much of a sin.

      • Actually, Robert, I do not believe it is not just as much of a sin, and this is where we disagree. Yes, it’s a sin. But it is not cheating, and it is not a condition for divorce. Is it a sin? Yes. Can it make a husband’s temptation worse? Absolutely. But not all sins are conditions for divorce; adultery is. Withholding is not (though I do think that if withholding has been persistent it’s time to get a counselor/pastor/mentor couple involved, and then seek their advice about next steps).

        I think that talking to a counselor after the discovery of a porn addiction, and taking a sexual fast is a very good idea for a time, because the man needs some time and space to rewire his brain so that intimacy is about relationship and not images and movies. That doesn’t happen overnight.

        Then, when you do start the sexual aspect, I think it needs to be done with more of an emphasis on rediscovering what intimacy is sexually, and not just making love. It’s too easy to continue feeding the fantasy problem. Sexual release does not cure all ills of the heart; and often rebuilding must be done carefully and prayerfully, with the end in mind being a truly intimate, fulfilling sexual life, not just having sex.

        After a porn addiction, a woman feels extremely dirty. She feels as if what he wants is something gross. If they start having sex, and she knows that he’s not thinking about her, but is picturing something else (and women do know that), then this will increase the isolation, not decrease it. Total healing is necessary, and it may take some time for trust to be rebuilt, and for the husband to show that he wants real intimacy, not just to use his wife. That’s something that’s vitally important for a wife to know.

        Once she does know this, then it is incumbent upon her to also put her 100% into building their sexual relationship. But if a guy admits to an affair, you do not resume a sexual relationship right away. You figure out what’s going on and then you rebuild intimacy and trust. The same would be true here, I think, though the time frame would always differ based on the situation between the spouses, the severity of the addiction, etc.

        I’m glad you were able to rebuild with your wife so quickly once she became “sex positive”, as you said. But please remember that for most couples that is not the case. For most couples porn addictions started BEFORE the marriage. And the way out can often be very complex.

        • Sheila,
          I guess that is the reason…because to me it is also cheating. You are cheating on your spouse by refusal, cheating them of the love you promised them to them alone. Cheating means you aren’t giving your spouse what you promised to them alone….whether you are giving to someone else or just not giving it I really don’t see much of a difference to be perfectly honest.

          And if we are talking emotions, do you know how a husband feels that’s constantly refused…do you know how disgusting he feels or that he feels like he is just being used. Every emotion you described I could equally say to the husband who is refused.

          Lastly, since we are talking how to do this biblically…then where do you come up with a long reconcilation period? Either we do this biblically or not, and if we are than I would like to know where you find justifacation for that?

          Lastly, I wasn’t trying to be a smart alec about the oreo’s below and I had not seen this reply to me yet so why did I get erased? I want to make sure I’m being respectful to you and all your readers…but I also think since you, even with your wisdom, have not been in those shoes there might be a bit of wisdom there for your readers to gather. If I need to have my wife say it so it will be receivable I will.

          Thanks Sheila

          • Sheila,
            Lastly, we say that pornography is adultery from Jesus’s teaching in Matthew 5. I agree it is, but since we are there. It also teaches anger is equal to murder. If you have been angry at your husband, is he then not also have grounds for divorce? Meaning, if we want to get into pulling the I have grounds for divorce card and trumping that for an action where we actually didn’t go out and physically do the sin but it is a of the heart I think we are on very dangerous ground….very dangerous.

            I would like to hear your thoughts on this, please

          • Robert, I posted on pornography and divorce here. I believe it’s a very complex issue, and divorce is only a last resort. I also don’t believe that it’s right to divorce if a husband has confessed and is in the process of rebuilding (which is often when the divorces happen).

          • I understand that to you it is cheating, but it is NOT infidelity. Infidelity is to bring in a third party. Is it wrong? Absolutely.

            I understand that you have battled this and come out the other side, and I understand that your wife was a huge part of that, and I’m glad. I think that’s wonderful.

            However, what you have not addressed, or ever really posted on or commented on, is the danger in how porn changes views of sex. For many men, like Amy’s friend’s husband, for instance, they are no longer able to even have sex in a relationship because sex has so changed their arousal patterns. And for many (indeed most) men who use porn (and most women who use erotica, for that matter, which is just as harmful), fantasy is now necessary for orgasm. This is a HUGE problem, and completely changes the nature of sexual intimacy. If one needs to fantasize to become excited, then one is bringing a third party into the bed, even if you are having sex with your spouse.

            I believe that a healing period is usually necessary to rebuild intimacy. I haven’t heard you comment on that, which is perfectly fine.

            You do, however, often use derogatory statements towards this blog or its slant, and I do reserve the right to delete those comments. So many women come here who are absolutely in despair because they have caught their husband using porn, or caught them in online affairs. I have to make sure that what I say covers them as well.

            I understand you do not think that I tell women enough to have sex with their wives; I would beg to differ, as I believe would most women who read this blog, who email me on a daily basis saying, “I never realized how important sex was to my husband until I read your blog; our marriage is totally different now.” I know you don’t think I say it enough, but I’ve written three books on it, I’m working on two more, and I do believe that I say it consistently here.

            If you don’t think I say it enough, then may I suggest that you start your own blog? :) Until then, I am very comfortable with my stance towards pornography and intimacy/sex in marriage. If you aren’t, that’s fine. But this is my blog, and I want to make sure it gives a consistent message, which is why I do at times delete comments which I do not think are helpful for the message that I believe that God has given me.

            I hope you understand.

          • Sheila,
            What did I say in below that was dergatory? Sheila, I don’t always agree with you but I appreciate what you do very much and you’re very, very good at it which is why I push back the way I do. Because what you are saying is being heard. I’ve gone over it and over it and I can’t find it. I took your example and I took it past the first dimension. I agree with you wholeheartedly on the that first dimension-MEN NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT PORN. I’m with you 1000%. And I understand the women come here devastated….the last thing I want to do is hurt another gal going thru this.

            Okay, I will answer your question about response if you’ll answer mine about Matthew 5 & where you find a biblical reason for a reconcilation period (long one). I think you can find for a short one under 1 Cor 7, where if a man is repentant he will agree to a by mutual consent for a short period of time. But I’d like to know where you find biblical grounds for the long one?

            As far as response…to be honest I’m not 100% sure here. I honestly think if we take a Matthew 5 look into all of our hearts and minds, we’d all be divorced….Now I’m thrilled with my wife. I literally would not trade her for any woman on earth but if you are holding me to Matthew 5 she could divorce me weekly. And I must admit, I have sat with the most godly men. Pastors, famous christian authors…you name it. I’ve prayed with them, I’ve been there accountability partner…I’m afraid you’d find almost all of us come up short of your lofty heart goals Sheila. I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to be taking a hardline approach to one scripture out of a whole sermon but not taking the same hardline approach to passages within the same sermon by our Savior that spoke about forgiveness, love, the absolute sinfulness of man…I could go on. My point about bringing up the murder=anger thing is just that…if you or I or any woman reading this doesn’t just focus on that one verse but the whole of that sermon you are going to come away with a much different conclusions than the one you came up with.

            Sheila, I very much appreciate what you are doing and I don’t want to be on your bad side. But the surity of the way you tackle this, when you have not lived through it scares me. You are a teacher and whether you know it or not woman take your word as the gospel truth. I think it very important to be thorough, careful and cover as many bases as we can when things like adultery and divorce are discussed…as these are life altering. And I will admit fully that what I am saying is applicable to say 30% of marriages, the rest you are dead on about…but if 3 out of 10 women who come here devasted and hear that they can in fact heal their marriages by what they do….if that means I have to be on your bad side occassionally I guess I will…but I’d prefer not to be!

            Thank you Sheila!
            Robert recently posted…Project Life & Me Part IIIMy Profile

          • Robert, I cannot answer you, because every case is different. I think every couple who is going through this needs to seek out a counselor who knows them in real life and who can direct them. That sometimes may involve a long period; it sometimes may involve a short one. And often that long period may involve sexual contact but no intercourse. There are grades of things, and it’s all dependent on the couple. I can’t make pronouncements like that. That’s when people need someone in real life to walk through this with them. That’s why I’ve avoided saying you should take X amount of time. It looks different in each case.

            As for divorce, I NEVER said a woman SHOULD divorce (in fact, in that post I said I cautioned against it). I just said that in some cases it may be grounds, and I do stand by that. I don’t think that’s a narrow interpretation of a verse. I said it should only be a last resort, and that just because a guy used porn in the past does not give you the right to divorce him now if he has repented.

          • One more thing: Robert, for the last year whenever I have posted on porn you keep asking me to clarify things. I honestly believe that I have clarified up the wazoo. I often write more posts after one of our conversations to clarify more (such as this one). I don’t know what you’re waiting for me to say. Everything that I believe about porn and its use can be seen in my posts and in my books (which I don’t believe that you have read). I won’t reply anymore to this line of conversation because quite frankly we go over it a ton every time I post on this, and I only have so much time and energy, and I really need to actually be writing new posts! :)

            So I think I’ll just sign off for now, and I’ll refrain from answering or clarifying anymore because I really believe that I have said everything that I think quite clearly already. I hope you understand.

          • Sheila,
            First, I’m sorry. I spoke with Lily my wife for awhile on this today. I did not mean to offend or hurt you or any other gal…I’m serious, you had me in tears. That was not my intention at all. In fact it’s obvious that’s what I am doing so & that we will not agree so I will leave the blog. I know I have offered in the past but you have not said yeah or neah so I stayed and I’ve tried reading without posting but to be honest I can’t do it, so I’ll leave. I’m sorry I’ve been so passionate about my stance. I just know that if my wife would have followed your advice we’d be divorced right now instead of having the best marriage of any of our friends or church members…so I’m sorry I came on strong ….it was not my intention to hurt anyone in the least it’s just I felt that strong.

            Lastly, I do strongly believe in you and your ministry. To let you know I want to part on good terms I often see gals who want your latest book but do not have the funds at the current moment. Can I offer to buy the next 20 gals who have the need, but not the funds? If you’d let me know how to do that I’d consider it an honor and a way to say sorry and & thank you.

            So thank you for the time you spent answering my questions while I was here and the many good things you are teaching. God bless Sheila-

        • To reply to Robert, as well as to support what Sheila is saying, I volunteer the following.

          My friend is not withholding for any reason. Neither she nor her husband feel they are ready to move in that direction, and because of his physical inabilities (resulting from the porn/masturbation), they are in a holding pattern. I used the wrong wording to describe their lack of sex … it’s “none”, but it’s mutual and, at this point, an unspoken wall of fear, doubt and insecurity.

          Their counseling, clearly, does not give them strategies for healing the rift between them, and I am working with my friend to understand where they are and why. I lent her Sheila’s “Good Girls” book, which she devoured and felt empowered by, but her husband’s feelings and physical outlet dilemmas have slowed their progress.

          It’s very hard to find an appropriate counselor, and I believe the one they see is not focusing on rebuilding their sexual intimacy, but in the mental aspect and how it overtakes the relationship/reprograms all encounters in marriage.

          My friend has felt disgusted by knowing her husband’s activities, has felt unworthy and rejected, not to mention dirty. Having a second go-round — a physical affair first, then years later, virtual affairs — she was ready to throw in the towel, and we have talked it out and mapped a plan since that low point last August. She felt sure she would be divorced by Christmas, and was already mending fences by September with prayer and guidance, and now counseling.

          I would love to push her faster on this road, but I know I can’t. She has to take it at the pace God has set, and it’s a slow one. Next step: get the large dog out of the bedroom!
          Amy recently posted…Replacements UnlimitedMy Profile

          • Amy, I’m glad she found the book helpful! The situation you’ve described is all too typical from what I’ve seen. That’s wonderful that she’s ready to rebuild; if he’s seeing a counselor, and has really repented, then God honestly can do an amazing work on his both his heart and his mind so that intimacy is possible again. There really is hope!

            And this is exactly what I mean by the slant of this blog; if I were to keep emphasizing that women need to have sex with their husbands to stop the porn use, where would this leave Amy’s friend? Absolutely nowhere, except feeling even more alone and even more insignificant. She WANTED to have sex, and he couldn’t because of his addiction. This problem needs to be dealt with at the root, and the root is not her refusing him; the root is what porn has done to him.

            To me, the ideal is not frequent sex in marriage; God’s ideal is a truly intimate sexual relationship which includes physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Stressing sexual release without also stressing the need for spiritual intimacy misses out on the beauty that God designed sex to be, and actually feeds right into the pornographic view of sex.

            Sex is best PHYSICALLY when it is also the most spiritually intimate; that’s what surveys consistently show.

            Sexual frequency is certainly a huge factor in that, but it is not the only factor. Sexual frequency is not the goal; intimacy is the goal. Sexual frequency is simply a tool on the road to intimacy. That doesn’t mean we can ignore it. But let’s not think that if the couple is having sex frequently all the problems are solved. They still may not be experiencing what God has for them because they’re missing out on the bigger picture of the true beauty of sex.

            I believe a wonderful, godly marriage is one where sex is both frequent and intimate. I am worried sometimes that people forget about the intimacy, and stress only the need for frequency. If you have frequency at the same time as you have both fantasizing about erotica or porn, you do not have a healthy marriage. So we need to seek first what God wants for us, not substitute a cheapened, shallow version of it. That’s why often these fasting periods after discovering an affair or porn use are so important; in order to rebuild the true intimacy that God designed for marriage.

        • anonymous says:

          Is porn grounds for divorce?

          Jesus said, “Whosoever looketh on woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery in his heart”. This is true — and so is, “whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer.” In both cases, the sin of the heart precedes the sin of the flesh, and ought not to be nurtured since it can lead to the sin of the flesh. This much is solid biblical teaching. And yes, by that standard, we shouldn’t be looking at porn.

          But… do you put a man in prison for hating? Who among us hasn’t hated someone, or been angry enough to kill someone, at least once in the course of our lives? Thankfully, most of us don’t act out those desires, or the streets would be red with blood. But who is innocent by that standard? We should ALL be on death row . (Spiritually, we all are, which is why we need Christ’s pardon, but that’s another subject.)

          So… can you divorce a man for looking at porn? Well…. it certainly is an example of “looking with lust.” But “looking with lust” predates internet pornography by many millenia. Porn is not some special category — it is simply one of many ways that men look with lust. So the real question is, can you divorce a man who looked at another woman with lust? Is that what Jesus meant?

          Well… as with hatred, so too, “‘lookling with lust” — there is NO MAN who is not guilty of this! So, by that standard, ANY woman could get a “biblically justified” divorce at any time! THAT INTERPRETATION IS CLEARLY NONSENSICAL, because it completely contradicts all of Jesus’ teaching about the permanence of marriage. If every married woman has legitmate grounds for divorce at all times, the statements about the permanence of marriage in the scripture are rendered null.

          Clearly porn is a sin. But it’s not biblical grounds for divorcing.

          • I really think it depends on the individual situation. There are some men who literally are at porn for hours every night, and participate in online sex with other women. Yes, people have been lusting since time began, but internet porn adds an element that wasn’t there before that can certainly change things.

            I don’t think you can make a blanket statement either way because I think it depends on the individual situation. What I would hope is that before it got to that point a woman would arrange an intervention using men that her husband respects, and give him an ultimatum. And I hope that those men (and perhaps women) would support her and pressure her husband to do what’s right.

            I would see it in the same realm, though perhaps worse, as an alcohol or drug addiction. We have to take steps, you cannot ignore it, and you cannot just live with it.

          • anonymous says:

            I would see it in the same realm, though perhaps worse, as an alcohol or drug addiction. We have to take steps, you cannot ignore it, and you cannot just live with it.

            I’d put severe cases in the same category as physical abuse: you might need to separate for physical safety. Likewise, porn or alcoholism or drugs could make being around the man unendurable; one might need to separate to salvage one’s sanity.

            But… that’s not biblical license to go marry someone else. And THAT is the usual unstated questiion within the question, when someone asks, “Is X grounds for divorce?”

            If my wife started sleeping with half the town, I’d divorce her.. But if I caught her unblocking the adult cable channels late one night? NO. — I’d step up my sexual game to try to distract her away from it. And maybe cancel the cable and internet if it came to that.

            But I wouldn’t blow up my marriage or ruin my kids’ lives over it.

  4. I think filters are important and can work to a degree. But, it only does so much for us. It doesn’t change our heart. It doesn’t filter our thoughts and desires. So, yes, I’d recommend it for anyone struggling with porn but I’d also recommend getting some real life help, counseling and accountability.
    Alecia recently posted…MT Project: I Don’t Have to Be Right (Outloud)My Profile

    • Me, too, Alecia, though Covenant Eyes IS real life accountability, because it’s sent to a friend that you name. So it actually helps real life accountability happen, which is one of the reasons I support it far more than simple parental controls. I think the goal should be accountability in real life, for all of us. And when you are recovering from a porn addiction, I think a counselor is SUCH a good idea, and a resource that we should definitely use.

  5. By God’s grace, porn has not impacted our marriage (thanks largely to Godly patents and Christian school teachers who pounded into my husband’s head the danger and addictive nature of porn, to the point that he was afraid to look for fear of being sucked in). However, we have lots of friends who are struggling through it. In fact three of the five couples in our young married’s group have been affected. God is bringing healing to those marriages, but in all three cases, the guy started looking at porn as a young teenager. As a mother of a son (he’s a toddler right now, but I’m thinking ahead), I definitely want to do what I can to protect him and keep him from getting involved in something that can cause such damage for the rest of his life. So yes, we’re going to have restrictions on him for his protection!

  6. We don’t have any filters right now. My oldest is 7, so we’ll need to start having the conversation in the next couple of years, but as of right now, we don’t have smart phones or tablets, and the only computers are my laptop (which my son never uses unsupervised), and my husband’s work computer, which is very heavily firewalled. It is good to know that these programs exist for someday (soon!) when I need to look into them.
    Megan G. recently posted…an Africa dayMy Profile

    • Liz Winterburn says:

      Our son was not allowed to use the family laptop unsupervised. My hubby also utilised web filters (OpenDNS, K9, Guardian) as an added level of security to protect our son from anything inappropriate and unsavoury (bear in mind that firewalls only protect your computer from external attacks, they do not filter web traffic). Despite these measures, one weekend when our son was 10 (he’s now 11) he clicked on a link on a child-safe search engine to go to a children’s website. However, this link did not go to a children’s website – it went to a porn website. Thank God my hubby was in the room with him, he knew by the look on our son’s face that something was very wrong. Thankfully most of the images were thumbnails, however it was still enough to shock him and – to be honest – distress him. Hubby checked everything my son did to see how he got to the website, but quite simply that website slipped through the safety net.

      That was all it took – a simple click of the button whilst being supervised, and my son saw pornographic images :-( We immediately banned all internet access until we could find a solution that would allow him to use the internet without accidentally stumbling upon such websites.

      Obviously hubby had a good long chat with him explaining why pornography is wrong, unhealthy, and how it objectifies both men and women.

      For anyone who is interested I’ve included the link to an article my hubby wrote (he writes for a Trade mag) ‘Protecting Your Children Online (part 1) it gives a 10 step guide for protection on the iPad/iPhone his article is on page 20.

      We gave our son an iPad (my old one) for his birthday, it is protected as detailed in hubby’s article. This has given us a lot more peace of mind. Of course we still monitor everything as no system is fool-proof.

      http://www.dac-callsign.com/13/Apr13/CallSignApril2013.pdf

      He will be writing two further articles in this series: part 2 – Android devices, part 3 – PCs/laptops

      One final word. Children have easy access to the (largely uncensored) Internet both at home and outside. Don’t forget that many children have smartphones, tablets and laptops for school – all of which are designed to be Internet-ready. According to statistics, the average age that children are exposed to online pornography is 11 years old. The UK government is considering implementing mandatory internet censorship. This will mean that pornography is blocked by default; adults will have to “opt-in” to be able to view such content, rather than have it automatically available. The fact the government is willing to invest money in such a scheme is indicative of the magnitude and scope of the Internet pornography problem.

    • Liz Winterburn says:

      Oops! Sorry Megan, I was viewing your post when I clicked reply, I meant to reply to the article as a whole and not yourself individually. Kind regards, Liz x

  7. Hi, everyone!

    I absolutely believe that the heart change is the most important part. And I absolutely believe that our accountability with God is the most important thing. Without that, certainly it’s a crutch.

    But you know what? Crutches are very useful things.

    And we are told to “flee from temptation”. We’re not told to sit in the middle of temptation and just resist. We’re told to take whatever steps we can to get rid of temptation and to limit it.

    Why is porn such a huge problem now when it wasn’t 30 years ago? Because it’s accessible and it’s anonymous. The human heart hasn’t changed. The accessibility of porn has.

    I believe that to say to a man (or a woman) who is attempting to recover from a porn addiction that they need to do it on their own with God isn’t biblical either. We are to “confess our sins one to another” it says in James 5:16. We are to hold each other up. And that’s what this does. It provides an extra layer of protection.

    We don’t tell a smoker who is trying to quit that it’s okay to have cigarettes in the house. If Momma’s trying to lose 50 pounds, she tends to get rid of the Oreos in the house. We limit the temptations.

    Once we limit them, it’s easier to then make that heart change. The temptation is limited, so we don’t waste energy fighting the temptation; we can take that energy and go to God and pray and wrestle through what was the real cause of the porn problem? Was it emptiness? Stress? Rejection? Power? Was it an improper view of intimacy? Or marriage? We can start getting to the root of the problem.

    You don’t ask an alcoholic to start wrestling through his demons when a drink is poured right in front him. You take the drink away first.

    I guess what I’m saying is this: when you remove the temptation, it’s easier for the heart change to occur. And once that heart change has occurred, you likely will not need the filters anymore. But there is nothing wrong (and everything right) with reducing temptation.

    And that’s just concerning adult men; what about kids? I think doing everything we can to protect them is encumbent on every parent. It only takes messing up one time to get those images burned into your brain. Kids are vulnerable. Why would you let this into your house? Here’s a way to have the internet safely, but protect your kids at the same time, and I do think that’s vitally important.

    Just my two cents, too! :)

    • I know crutches do help. The trouble is, many people have a collection of crutches for every ailment, and they rely on the crutch rather than consulting the Physician. That’s mostly my point, which clearly, I didn’t make.

      Sometimes, I think we have such an overmedicated, under-strengthened society I don’t think anything can help it. People pop pills and purchase self-help books in greater numbers, and the illnesses and the struggles continue to grow. To want to protect ourselves and our families from temptation is a great undertaking and worthy. It’s loaded with purpose, and in theory, we can win!

      I have a 12-year old boy with an iPod. I already know he has an addictive personality. If I leave him alone, he’ll use the iPod until he falls asleep with it in his face. When I put parameters on it and watch him carefully, he curtails his use, but only when he knows he’s being watched.

      Unless his young heart changes, I will have to keep watching. I can legislate his use of time and his electronic device, but I can’t change his heart.

      I fear for him in this — it’s hereditary as well as socially acceptable, and it can lead to much bigger things, including what we’re discussing here. I will keep limiting him because I can. I will also continue to pray, pray, pray, because God’s work will be the only thing that works in this type of human weakness.

      Will he ever volunteer for the use of a crutch? Yes, but only because he knows it sounds good to parental ears and hearts. He isn’t a “changed man” by any means. That’s the dilemma many people face, even with safeties in place.

      Good topic.
      Amy recently posted…Tales of a Business Traveler’s Wife: How Does She Do It All?My Profile

      • So true! I’m reading an excellent book right now about video game addiction among middle school and high school boys, and it’s simply frightening.

        If I can offer some hope, though, I think what you’re doing is right. You’re providing parameters so that he doesn’t get addicted. But the thing is that he’s 12. His brain is honestly not that mature yet. And as he grows in maturity (and in God) it’s going to become easier to withstand the addiction.

        Teenage boys’ brains are especially prone to technology addiction, whether it’s phones or video games or porn. But that doesn’t mean that if you have a 15-year-old that you keep close tabs on that he will grow up to be a 25-year-old who does nothing with his life. Once he hits 20 or 21 he can start to make better decisions for himself. But until he is that adult we have to help him.

        Part of that is restrictions (probably the most minor part). The other major part is just talking to him, and helping nurture his spiritual growth, and praying with him, and doing all those proper parenting things to keep the lines of communication open.

        But the restrictions are still important, because they stop a potential addiction BEFORE he’s mature enough to really stop it on his own.

  8. What would your suggestion be for smartphones? My husband and I both have iPhones so in curious how to protect those?

    • Hi Abby!

      I know Covenant Eyes also has apps for smartphones. If you sign up for the protection on your computer, you automatically get access to the apps on your phones!

  9. Perhaps I’m dense, but I honestly don’t understand the reconciliation period. Especially if the situation is caused or amplified by a wives refusal or withholding….to me, it seems to only set up further failure.?

    Having been as the hurting wife on the other end, and having found healing through the process, it always gives me pause to say that perhaps I need to evaluate myself as well. By that I mean, sure, when he did it it hurt. Especially when he says he only does it because of my lack of or attitude regarding. However, would the situation have been different had I rather than been angry, tried to view it through his eyes and see the hurt that led him to seek out something else in the first place? What if I had changed my attitude and wanted to prevent the hurt in the first place. Now, I know someone will probably scream at me here that it’s different, or my husband wasn’t hard core or whatever. But especially if there isn’t an addiction coming into the marriage, it would seem to me that the wife would need to evaluate her own heart and how she is treating her husband and WANT him to not hurt or desire to succomb to the temptation. If I’m being a Godly wife, I want my husband to have no reason at all to ever want to entertain the temptation. If I’m fulfilling him and he knows that I’m it, I think he’s the greatest thing ever, he’s hot stuff, awesome, and the list goes on, is he really going to be tempted? Perhaps, but again, perhaps he’ll be able to claim the victory. No one can definitely answer that, but it’s worth pondering anyway.

    I don’t want my husband to hurt. I don’t want him to feel rejected so that he must turn elsewhere.

    Perhaps I’m making it too simple and am clueless to what is out there. But I truly believe in my heart of hearts, that if a wife does her Godly role and builds her husband up constantly in everything (I mean everything – laying her self down, being completely unselfish as we want our men to be), why would he want to seek out something else.

    I know there are exceptions. There are severe addictions that lead to more. I know this doesn’t apply to all marriages. It’s a deep icky issue. But I can’t help but wonder about at least some, especially the minor/minimal uses of porn. I know it’s not a cure all, but darn it, why doesn’t, as women, our heart break in sadness and hurt with our husbands instead of just burn with anger?
    Lily recently posted…Project Life & Me Part IIIMy Profile

    • Lily, I completely agree. A wife SHOULD want to help her husband withstand temptation as much as possible (and I’ve written about this at length in my books, too).

      The reconciliation period is to allow both to achieve real healing and intimacy again. It doesn’t need to take long (it really does vary by couple and by what was happening; and like Amy’s friend, sometimes it’s prolonged because he no longer can perform with a live human being, which is actually quite a common by-product of porn). But the point is just to rebuild and find that intimacy again–and intimacy is more than just sex. It’s also trust, and feeling like you’re one, and feeling like you’re desired. BOTH partners need to feel that.

      So, yes, absolutely, a wife needs to do what she can to help her husband avoid temptation. But there are instances when just jumping into bed does not solve the problem. I think we forget that porn rewires the brain to see sex in a whole other way, and it can take time (and a lot of intimacy exercises, including sexual ones) to help rewire the brain back to the wife (or the husband) and away from the porn (or the erotica).

      • Thanks Sheila. I get that. There are such varying degrees of porn use, and each situation is different. I guess part of what makes me sad is the women who act as if they are relieved that their husbands turn to porn because then they don’t have to fulfill their part. Just makes me want to scream! And then the other women (probably not those who seek you out – because if they’re oblivious they wouldn’t be seeking answers) who are clueless as to their actions and they think that even though they haven’t had sex with their husbands in months, they think their husbands have never resorted to porn. It’s a sad sinful world we live in.

        • It is, indeed. ACK!!!!! I’d want to slap any woman who was relieved if her husband turned to porn. That’s like saying you’re relieved if your son decided to start smoking crack so you didn’t have to cook as much. Puh-leeze.

          I do think some women are oblivious to their actions, and only realize when things come crashing down when they discover their husband’s porn use, etc. That’s why sometimes it’s in our deepest periods of brokenness that God can do the most amazing work, because we’re both humbled. But it still hurts, and it’s still hard. It’s so much better if everyone clues in earlier.

  10. Soon after my husband disclosed his porn use to me, (four years ago) he found Covenant Eyes. Currently, I alone hold the codes, there were other Accountability Partners, but for various reasons they are no longer. I am now his only accountability partner. However, we have CE on our home computers, our kids Ipods and our smartphones, and the kids laptops too. Although it does not prevent them from going to a site, they sure have a lot of explaining to do TO ME if porn shows up. And they really do not want me to be the one questioning what I have found. It is working for us.

    My husband had a heart change years ago, but he didn’t know what he was fighting against…the addiction quality of his porn exposure. He brought porn into our marriage, before we got married, I discovered mags in his college dorm room, and there was a time years ago when I found his history. At those times he thought it was enough to promise to never use it again, but he didn’t now how hard those urges to use it would be to fight against. Knowing that it is an addiction has changed everything for him, plus knowing that I am now in his corner for healing and recovery, keeps it out of the dark.

    Sheila, I so appreciate your blog. I appreciate hearing form women who have faced similar situations. My husband did not turn to porn because of rejection from me. I know many woman who have faced this in their marriage, and they have similar stories to mine.. Porn came in to the picture before marriage, and many men thought that they could eliminate it on their own. To say anything different is offensive and hurtful to the wounded hearts of so many hurting wives. .

    Sheila, please keep up the good work you are doing, continue to reach out to those wives who may have nowhere else to turn. I know I had few places to go, and fewer women to help me navigate through the darkest days after disclosure.

    • Thanks for that. I’m so glad that you’re on the other side now. That’s wonderful! I’m glad God’s doing an amazing thing in your life.

  11. I am one – I am sure – of many guys that read your blog (maybe secretly) but never jump in on the conversation. I appreciate your insights, candor and conversation.

    I applaud your encouragement for wives to help their husbands resist this awful temptation. While many (most?) men bring porn into their marriage, it is important to understand that porn is just a symptom of a bigger issue. While there are a multitude of issues that can lead men into porn, I think a central issue is one of rejection.

    Men who grow up (for all kinds of reasons) with a feeling of worthlessness or rejection can easily seek out porn as a way to medicate themselves. Porn advertises itself and promotes itself as a way to feel wanted. A now with the internet, it can even get very specific in the way it addresses the fantasy of being wanted. The nature of porn is to mimic this “wanting” desire – to show men that they are wanted and wanted in every way possible. Sex is just the means of communicating this desire. And what a powerful (and addicting) way to communicate. Sex for men is an ultimate form of communication.

    You had a great post back on March 6 entitled “Does Everything Really Come Down to Sex?” that addressed some of these very issues. Wanting to be be wanted is a very powerful motivator. If a man struggles to feel wanted (by God, or by his wife), it is a good bet he is going to go somewhere to try and meet that need. Porn can be a cheap (pun intended) and easy way to meet that need. But because porn doesn’t really meet the need, it only creates more guilt and rejection which in turn sparks the need to further medicate.

    Let me be clear. I am in NO WAY trying to say that the wife is responsible to meet every “wanting” need of her husband or he will run straight for porn. No wife can meet every need – marriage was never intended for meeting every need – for the husband or the wife. While I appreciate what Lily said above about having compassion for men who deal with this issue, men still have a God-given responsibility to make the right choices about what they look at and what they think about. (Ladies if you are looking for some insight for helping your man think – mission:husband has a great post on “Be Your Husband’s Mind Candy”)

    Finally, if this porn medication began at an early age, it can be very difficult to stop as it may have become the primary way of dealing with all of life’s disappointments, frustrations, rejections, etc. At this stage, men will need some sort of professional intervention that comes with a healthy does of truth and mercy. Men will need to hear (and if they are believers I am sure they already experience a fair amount of guilt) from their wives that there is forgiveness (and I understand that this might take some time). Wives need to hear that (for most husbands) porn was not a replacement for them, it was cheap medication for a much deeper issue.

    Practically, About internet controls I recommend getting a wireless router with some parental (or husband) controls. Our family also uses OpenDNS, which filters ALL devices at the router level – meaning ANY device that connects to my home network is filtered. It requires a bit more tech savvy as you need to know how to login to your wireless router and make a few changes, but it is great peace of mind.

    OK, thanks again, now back to being one of your secret readers.

    • Thanks for chiming in!

      You said, “Finally, if this porn medication began at an early age, it can be very difficult to stop as it may have become the primary way of dealing with all of life’s disappointments, frustrations, rejections, etc. ” YES, EXACTLY! For many men (and I want to add women and erotica to this category, too), stress is dealt with by turning to porn (or erotica). It becomes almost a habit, just like some people turn to the Oreos. One of the important parts of recovering from a porn addiction is figuring out the WHY. What have you programmed your body to do? What are you getting out of it?

      For those who clicked on the link that Amy left (a very good article), one thing the writer said was that if guys understood WHEN they were most tempted by porn, they could then fill your life with other things. You can’t expect to sit at home doing nothing and be able to withstand temptation. You have to get out there and serve. Fill your life with godly things where you’re serving, and you’ll find the need, and the void, diminish.

      But figuring out that WHY is so important.

    • Thanks, Mike, for coming out of the shadows to add this. I’ll be sharing it with someone with whom it will resonate in important ways.

      I think you offered a magnificent look into the mind of a man who turns to porn — for any reason. Once he makes the connection and learns to feed it, the reasons for feeding it can manifest. No matter how much intake he has, he will never feel satisfied.

      Thank you, again!
      Amy recently posted…Disagreement Done Right IS CommunicationMy Profile

  12. Christina says:

    Hello! Our favourite accountability software is “K9″ It is FREE! (for one home computer) and it didn’t slow our computer down or the viewing of Youtube videos at all (or Netflix) and it did a thorough job making our computer safe as far as we can see. It is downloaded online. We also sign in to Youtube now and have set a safe mode there too. The Youtube safe mode only works if you are signed in though (and sometimes because of a computer reboot you have to sign back in again). This had helped my husband relax at home from temptations and our little kids haven’t figured out a way around all this yet.

  13. We have Covenant Eyes on my husband’s smartphone (I don’t have one), K9 on the laptop, and something else….can’t remember what, on the desktop at home. Not just for his protection, but for mine also; we both came into the marriage with porn addictions. All the reports are emailed to me. I rarely use the computer at home, since I have plenty of other things to keep me occupied. We also split the passwords to all filters and controls – he has the first half, and I have the second half. It’s for sure a pain when an update needs to be installed or something and can’t be completed until we’re both home at the same time, but it has worked for us for over a year now.

  14. We recently put a block on our internet after learning our son was struggling. The fact is, it’s helped us all. My husband used to ask me to take the laptop with me when I went out of town so he wouldn’t be tempted. Now that we have three teenage kids, we want to provide a “safe zone” for all five of us. I know what’s needed most is self-control and discipline, but I’m happy to make a home a place where temptation is not waiting at the click of a button.

  15. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and I just recently discovered that he was struggling with this – turns out that all of our young Christian married couple friends had been in the same boat! I grew up in a house with no brothers, and we didn’t talk about sex; I had no idea how big an issue this was.

    You’ve had some great articles on porn that have really helped me understand my husband. The first time he discussed this issue with me, I guess I thought it would go away. I thought that I could trust him not to fall into temptations, but I was setting him up for failure. When he came to me again, struggling, I took more action. I have a free subscription to http://www.xxxchurch.com/, which alerts me each week to ‘harmful’ sites, and I’ve also got parental locks on the Kindle Fire and Wii U so that he can’t use those for internet. I also have a Chrome application that I customized – now if he tries to access a specific pornographic site, it redirects him to a website with a daily Bible verse!!

    So far this has been REALLY effective; since he knows he CAN’T access it without me knowing, he doesn’t. And I think he really appreciates me taking an active part in his recovery.

    We’ll see how he’s doing in a month or two, and and if he’s still deeply struggling, we’ll go to therapy.

    • Exactly–“since he knows he can’t access it without me knowing, he doesn’t.” To me, it’s not as much about “checking up” on the guys as it is about giving them a tool to resist temptation.

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