It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post below.
Today I want to tell you about an email I received from a guy who reads my blog. In summary, he said:
I really am quite simple: when my wife has regular sex with me, I feel like I can take on the world. It’s easier for me to resist temptation. I’m happy. I love being with her. I love being with the kids. But when she doesn’t, everything feels like a chore. It’s not that I don’t love her; it’s just that it’s much harder. I don’t find that you talk about that on your blog anymore. You give all these excuses for women not to have sex, but honestly, I wish women understood that for men, it really is that simple. Make love, and we’re putty in your hands.
I agree with him. In fact, that really was the main focus of this blog until about a year ago, and it certainly is the focus of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex (although I include other challenges couples have as well). But here’s what started to happen: I have written several posts on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love, and these have become some of the most popular posts on this site. Many, many women who come here would LOVE to have husbands who want to make love, but they don’t. Their husbands have rejected them. Or perhaps their husbands are so into porn that they can’t have a real relationship.
And so for the last few months my posts have been slanting in that direction and trying to minister to these women.
But I have to admit: on the whole, that commenter is right. God made men and women very differently, and for men, sex is a huge need. The fact that so many men reject sex in marriage is just a sign that our world is getting more and more messed up. And if you’re in that camp, then please head on over to my Marriage FAQ post and find some answers that will work in your situation.
Today, though, I do want to talk to the rest of the women: the ones married to men who do want sex. And what I want to say to you today is, yes, it really is that simple.
But if he wants sex all the time, that means he’s really shallow! I can feel so many of you thinking that right now.
You see, when we women think about whether or not a relationship is good, we ask whether we’re talking enough. We wonder if we’re affectionate. Have we done anything together lately? Do I feel as if I can share my heart? Do I know what’s going on in his heart? Has he reached out to me lately? Has he asked me for help with something? Has he talked through a problem? Has he helped me around the house or with the kids? Has he shown me love?
We have all these data points that tell us whether or not we’re connecting.
For him, those data points can all be combined into one simple thing: sex. That doesn’t mean he’s pathetic, or that we’re somehow more sophisticated than he is. It simply means we’re made differently. When he makes love, he feels as if our hearts are connecting. It’s his way of checking in on the relationship.
And I don’t mean when we lie there and say, “you can if you want to”, and then we look like we’re counting ceiling tiles. I mean when we throw ourselves into it. A man knows that for a woman to enjoy it she has to DECIDE to enjoy it. She has to want to make love. If she wants to make love and enjoys it, then, she’s told him, “I want to be with you. I want to have fun with you. I have decided to give myself to you.”
If you make love with relative frequency, then, he knows that you truly love him and want him. If he feels truly loved and wanted, he’ll want to be home more. He’ll want to be with you more. He’ll want to be more involved with the family. He’ll find it easy to be more involved with the family! He won’t have to be fighting that feeling that he isn’t really wanted or appreciated; he’ll be able to pitch in and help knowing that he is. It invigorates him; it energizes him; it propels him to action.
But wait–you may say. There are so many other issues in our relationship! We’re in debt and he doesn’t take it seriously. Our children are holy terrors and he won’t discipline them. He won’t listen to me about how mean his mother is to me. And the list can go on and on.
May I suggest that if you get the sex part right, it will then be a lot easier to deal with these other very real issues? Sex is your way of saying to him, “I’m committed to you, I love you, I want you, I value you.” If he knows that and feels it, it’s so much easier to then bring up the really big issues that are bothering you.
I can’t tell you the number of women who have written to me saying,
“I used to think we had a horrible marriage. He never showed me love, we were fighting all the time, and I didn’t think I could go on. Then I read The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and just decided to jump in for both our sakes. And my husband is a completely changed man! He loves being with me. We laugh so much more. And those problems I thought we had? They’ve gotten so much easier to manage.”
When we make love, you see, he feels closer and empowered. But we also feel closer to him, and all the things that bug us about him are minimized as well. We’re feeling more intimate and more connected.
Will sex solve all the problems in your relationship? No, probably not. But it will very likely help you with a whole lot of them. And it isn’t that hard! It’s a lot cheaper than a marriage counselor, and it’s a lot easier than hashing everything out until you agree. And if there really is something so simple that could help you so dramatically with your marriage, why wouldn’t you try it?
So why not take this challenge:
For one month, decide “I will make love every night unless there’s a really good reason not to, and I will not go longer than 72 hours without sex. I will decide to enjoy it and throw myself into it.”
(And if it’s difficult for you to enjoy, because it’s never felt very good for you, buy The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and consider it a fun research project).
Today, write down how you feel about your husband: do you feel close? Do you feel like you can talk? Do you feel loved?
Then do that for a month, and ask yourself the same questions. See if the answers are different.
You just may find that it really is that simple after all!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up a URL of your marriage post in the linky below! And you can copy the code for the Wifey Wednesday button from the sidebar on the right and put it on your blog, too, so other people can come back here and find out about all the great marriage posts!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah! Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.